Why do we fight?
What is that thing deep within each of us
that compels us to settle disagreements with our fists?
Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning.
- Okay, okay, okay. Stop fighting. - Why?
- Because it's stupid and juvenile. - We're six. We are stupid and juvenile.
Okay, okay.
Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life, and this is the story of how it happened.
Now, as you know, I had recently been left at the altar.
And the worst thing about getting left at the altar,
I mean, aside from actually getting left at the altar, was what came next.
A steady, unrelenting, unbearable stream of pity.
Cranberry gin and tonic.
Scotch and soda.
Thank you.
- Can I see a menu? - Ted, I'm going to go get you a menu,
but I promise you, I will come back.
Okay, we have to start going someplace else.
At this bar, I'm always gonna be the guy who got left at the altar.
- That sucks! - Good times.
- Uh-oh. We lost Barney. - What do you mean?
There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater.
So he's not listening to a word anyone's saying. Right, Barney?
Gimme a break!
See, he figured out a while back he could fake an entire conversation
just by saying titles of black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s.
- What's happening? - Hey, Barney,
want to go upstairs and do stuff to me that I won't even let Marshall do?
Huh. Different strokes.
What the hell is this?
I've told you kids about Doug, right?
I haven't? Oh, well.
Doug Martin was a bartender at MacLaren's.
He was always kind of around.
Have you met Ted?
No. No, no, no. We're not playing, "Have you met Ted?"
- Am I dead? Am I dead? - Hey.
Tonight, I pick up a lesbian.
Anyway, three things you need to know about Doug.
The first thing is that Doug had a bit of a violent streak.
...crumbled, so he's on the ground, right? And we're just kicking him,
just putting the boots to him. Yeah, he's making that face, all shaking.
So, anyway, what we did was, we left him there.
Top you up?
The second thing is that he was weird about his hair.
- What? - What?
- Are you looking at my hair? - No, sir. I was not.
It's a toupee.
Is that funny? You want to laugh it up? Is it funny, guy?
I tell you what, why don't you grab it?
- Excuse me? - Yeah, go ahead, grab it.
Grab it right off my head. Go ahead. You don't want to grab it? Come on.
Come on, go ahead and grab it. Want to grab it off my head?
Grab my toupee right off my head.
I like you guys!
But the third thing is that he was very loyal to his regulars.
- Hey, hey! There they are! - Hey, man.
Hey, you guys want your booth?
- No. We're fine over here. - Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
Maybe a little too loyal.
- No. No. - No, it's fine, it's fine.
Okay, you two lovebirds, let's take this somewhere else. Booth's reserved.
Let's go! Now! Come on!
Give me some hustle, Father! Up you get. Okay, guys, here we are.
So, that's Doug.
What the hell is this?
Oh. Some guys are sitting in our booth. But you know what? This is fine.
- It's cool, I'll take care of it. Okay? - Oh, boy, there he goes.
It's not... Why are you yelling at us?
- Okay, let's go. - Okay, okay.
Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth.
Gentlemen, I will require your assistance outside.
Our assistance with what?
We're going to go out in the alley and fight those guys.
What's happening now?
I'm sorry, did you just say...
Those guys are being inconsiderate, okay?
So we're going to go outside and cave in their skulls, okay?
This will be fun!
He wants us to fight? Like, with our hands and stuff?
And feet, maybe? I don't know what the rules are.
- Wow, a fight. Should we go out there? - Come on, Ted.
There's only three things you'll ever see me fight. The stubborn clasp of a bra,
sexual harassment charges, nine for nine,
and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.
- Marshall? - Dude, fighting is for losers.
We're civilized guys. Civilized guys don't fight.
Unless it's with lightsabers. But that's like three to five years away, so...
- Well, that's not true. - Robin, I'm on the forums every day.
Three to five Thanksgivings from now,
I'm gonna be carving the turkey with Old Green.
No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight.
It might not be pretty,
but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Oh. Right, I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy.
No, I do not, a lot.
Look, I come from a culture of hockey players.
If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot.
And scars, hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin.
And if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants.
I'm missing my wisdom teeth.
Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia. Whatever. It ain't a thing.
Look, maybe we should go out there.
I can't believe we're even having this discussion.
Ted, you're 30. You're too old to act like this.
I was 30, and in those 30 years I'd been punched once.
There's a very simple...
There was that thing at camp.
Today, we're going to braid friendship bracelets.
In college, I studied some kung fu.
And, well, there was some other stuff.
Come on. Come...
The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months.
The point is, I had never been in a fight.
- I'm going out there. - No!
Listen to me, please, trust me. I've been in plenty of fights.
It's really nothing to be proud of.
- Who did you get in a fight with? - My brothers.
Yes, I'm sure that was quite a rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room.
I love brotherly horseplay!
- Here comes the tickle monster! - Noogie patrol!
Wait, wait, wait! Timesies! Timesies!
Cocoa break.
- Okay, it's clobbering time. - Ted, don't do this, you're a nice guy.
- That's your best quality. - Is it?
'Cause I seem to remember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancée
for a tae kwon do instructor. Look, this may sound crazy,
but I think I need to do this. I think this is an experience I need to have.
I'm going.
Me, too!
Guys, take a good look at this face, because the next time you see it,
it will be disfigured in the hottest possible way.
'Cause that's who I am, I'm a man.
I like to fight and mix it up and get all dirty.
Could you find a wood hanger for this?
- Whoa! What happened here? - I know, right?
Who's not looking at my toupee now? Look what we did to these guys.
- We? - Yeah, we.
Come on, man, we're a good team. Nice work, boys, we did it!
No, no, you did it. We didn't do anything.
Okay, yeah. Yeah, sure, I just beat up three guys by myself.
You guys. That's good. You and you, free drinks for life.
- He thinks we were in this fight with him. - We were in this fight with him.
And now we are going to go in there and tell everyone
the legendary tale of how we beat up some guys.
And everyone is going to think it's great
and everyone is going to sleep with me again.
Dude, come on, no one is gonna believe we were in a fight, look at us.
That's a good...
- What are you doing? - What I should've done a long time ago.
- What? - I don't know. I just hit myself in the eye!
I don't even know what I'm saying!
I throw an awesome right hook, by the way.
- Okay, are you ready? - To go back in?
No, for this.
You just punched me in the nose!
- Are you crying? - Yes, I'm crying!
You just punched me in the nose.
Oh, that's going to swell up real good. You're gonna look like Owen Wilson.
Okay, let's get back in there.
Okay, but just, let's play this down, okay?
I don't want this to turn into a big thing.
Yeah.
And Ted comes and takes his shoe off! Hits him in the mouth...
Hey, there they are! The guys that got my back!
You two got in a fight. Really?
No, Barney punched me and himself in the face
to make it look like we got in a fight. Come on, Marshall.
Wow. Look at your eye.
You look like a badass.
I'm surprised to see you had it in me. You. Had it in you.
Do you want to touch it?
Oh, my God, it's warm.
Hey, victory drinks.
Free! Free! Free!
Free! $7.50.
- Why do I have to pay? - 'Cause you don't got my back.
- These guys got my back. - Okay, you know what, Doug?
I will gladly pay. And you know why? Because that's what grownups do.
They pay for their drinks and they don't get into fights.
You know what I was doing while you were out there being immature?
- I'll tell you what I was doing. - Your nails?
No. I was doing...
The relationship quiz in this month's Cosmo?
No. I was doing...
Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie
- at the end of the Sex and the City movie? - No. Spoilers much? No.
I'll tell you what I was doing...
The captain of the football team, because he gave you his promise ring
and you looked so pretty in your open-back homecoming dress?
Sorry.
I hate those guys.
Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe,
like they're Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff.
Those are the manliest guys in the universe?
I don't understand why they're getting all this attention.
- I mean, I'm the real hero here. - Yeah, you are.
I'm serious, woman. Put it back in your pants.
Marshall, you're the man every boy should grow up to become
and every girl should marry.
You know what? I have two kids in my class who won't stop fighting.
If you come to school tomorrow and tell them your story
of choosing the path of nonviolence, it might really set them straight.
And save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan.
All right. Okay. I'll set them straight.
- You're a wuss. - What? No.
Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala are telling you kids this story
- to illustrate... - To illustrate that you're a wuss?
Why didn't you just fight those guys?
- Were you scared? - What?
No. I wasn't scared.
- I've been in plenty of fights, okay? - You're huge.
You must weigh like a thousand pounds.
Okay, first of all, I'm wearing a baggy sweater,
and it has horizontal stripes.
And I also... I had a salty lunch... And so I'm retain...
- You know what? Shut up! - Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!
Wow. So, you just beat those guys up?
Just?
Amanda, were it so simple. You see, hand-to-hand combat
is about so much more than just administering brute force
- on your opponent, right, B? - You know!
It's a science.
The sweet science, as it were.
Wait, I'm confused. What did those guys do to deserve it?
Well, this may sound petty,
- but they sat in our booth. - They sat in our booth.
- And nobody... - Nobody.
...sits in our booth. It's been taken.
Uh-oh. Are you gonna beat those guys up?
Um...
Yes, we are gonna beat those guys up. Ted, come on.
You two. Our booth. Get out. Now!
- What are you doing? - Relax, we got Doug.
- Big Doug's got our backs. - Doug's not here tonight.
Can I get you guys anything? Drinks? Cash? Those two girls over there?
Are you Ted Mosby?
- Yeah, I am. - And you're Barney Stinson?
They've heard of us. It's cool, guys.
We'll let you leave with your asses unkicked.
This time. A'ight?
- What's this? - You've been served.
You're being sued for assault. Enjoy your booth.
That was close.
Assault! They're suing us for assault!
Okay, what's the penalty for assault? What, do I have to pay a fine?
Pick up trash on the highway? 'Cause I've done that before, know what I mean?
I don't know.
Actually, he did know that the worst we were looking at
was a small civil settlement and probably no criminal charges.
But he was really pissed at us.
I mean, you guys could be looking at some serious prison time.
- Prison? - I can't go to prison.
I mean, I could get a lot of reading done, finally write some short stories.
Work out all the time. Seriously, if I don't come out of there completely ripped...
Ted, we can't go to prison. People get shivved in the joint.
Plus, the meals are really starchy.
Well, you guys should have thought of that before you beat up those guys.
What if we didn't?
- Didn't what, Ted? - Didn't beat up those guys.
What if Doug beat up those guys all by himself and we didn't do anything?
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!
- You guys didn't throw a single punch. - Well, I hit Ted and myself, so...
Well, who's the wuss now? Answer? You guys.
- Look, can you just help us get out of this? - You know the old expression,
"If you're not prepared to do the time don't pretend to do the crime
"and laugh and get free drinks and not stand up for your friend
"who, incidentally, has been in plenty of fights with his brothers. "
Look, you've got to help us out, Marshall.
- We're the Three Musketeers. - Yeah.
If I give up Ted, how much time am I looking at?
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Barney. I've been looking for you.
I got tickets to this hockey game tonight. It's stupid. You want to go?
It might go kind of late, so maybe after the game we can grab a drink?
Oh, hey, Robin, get this. You know that fight?
These guys faked the whole thing.
Oh. Oh.
I forgot. Tonight is no good.
I can't go to that hockey game tonight, I got that...
That... That...
That...
That... That...
Good news. I talked to the guys.
- What guys? - The guys you didn't beat up.
They agreed to drop the lawsuit.
Boom!
- Lawyered. - What? They agreed to drop it?
Yeah, I just explained that you two are wusses.
We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually.
I explained how you get a mani-pedi once a month.
Weekly, Wolverine. Some of us care.
And how you played the hammer dulcimer
in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan.
Did you at least tell them
we were one of the premier medieval chamber groups in the Little Ivies?
Oh, I did.
And we all agreed it was much more likely that one guy beat up the three of them
than that you two had anything to do with it, so...
- Wait, so now they're only suing Doug? - Affirmative.
Angry, irrational, violent Doug,
who now knows we were the ones who threw him under the bus.
They what?
- Look, Doug, we can explain... - Explain what?
Explain how you stabbed me in the back right to my face?
- Robin, I'm scared. - Yeah. Is Doug seeing anyone?
Are you seeing anyone? You really should.
Doug, look, you don't understand, you beat up those guys all by yourself.
It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it.
I mean, look at these two.
It was all Ted!
- Look at this guy. - Yeah, look at me.
- He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight. - I think I could last at least five...
He's got the muscle definition of linguini.
Yeah, linguini with meatballs, maybe. Check it.
Ted. Ted.
- Look! - Don't.
Okay, you know what? Maybe it was just me.
Actually, you know what? That makes a lot of sense.
I tend to black out a lot. Anyway, look, I always got your back.
All I ask in return is that you got mine. But you know what? You don't.
You can't be counted on. No wonder your fiancée left you.
And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in.
So what can I share about the experience?
Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face,
it hurts your hand a lot.
But what hurts even more than that?
This.
And the next thing I remember was waking up.
Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing.
Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea.
- And that's my story. - And what did you learn?
Well, I learned that fighting is bad
- and you shouldn't do it, ever. - Any questions?
Yeah.
- Where do you find these people? - I know!
Was there a big sale at the wuss market?
- Wuss! Wuss! Wuss! - Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!
Of course, I didn't tell those kids what really happened.
Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing.
- What happened? - This happened.
Holy crap!
Yeah, turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers
did a little more than just roughhouse.
Cocoa break!
- Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight? - Bitch, don't even...
Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message
that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it,
but I know that's pointless.
So, I'll leave you with this. Don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall.
That guy's freaking crazy.
It is so good to be home.
Mom, Lily, fantastic job.
Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat. Right?
Okay, here we go. Goggles on.
All right, so, you guys pass the plates.
- Lily, you want white or dark meat? - Dark!
Honey, please be careful.