1
00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:03,294
Check it:

2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:07,298
Three blonde babies drinking
bad decision juice at 8:00.

3
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:10,047
Nice rack radar.

4
00:00:10,674 --> 00:00:13,304
- That's my wife.
- No, I got to get going.

5
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,955
Seriously?
But they're blonde and drunk.

6
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:17,266
Isn't that your type?

7
00:00:17,716 --> 00:00:20,311
Maybe I don't have a type, Lily.

8
00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:23,495
God, do you think
the male mind is really

9
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:25,047
that simplistic,

10
00:00:25,172 --> 00:00:27,594
that we all have one favorite type?

11
00:00:27,719 --> 00:00:28,694
Geez.

12
00:00:28,933 --> 00:00:30,154
Asian with some boob.

13
00:00:30,745 --> 00:00:33,157
I'm gonna hit the bathroom,
then bail.

14
00:00:33,749 --> 00:00:36,619
Okay, have you guys noticed
Barney's been acting weird lately?

15
00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:37,929
Actually, yes.

16
00:00:38,054 --> 00:00:40,102
You know how he always says
never buy a girl flowers,

17
00:00:40,227 --> 00:00:42,249
'cause giving her a living thing
reminds her babies?

18
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,609
- Sure.
- Well, the other day,

19
00:00:44,898 --> 00:00:48,047
I saw him at that flower shop
on 82nd buying roses.

20
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,848
- What?
- Now that you mention it,

21
00:00:49,973 --> 00:00:52,718
Barney did do something kind of odd
at the office yesterday.

22
00:00:53,213 --> 00:00:54,800
Okay, see you Saturday.

23
00:00:54,925 --> 00:00:57,306
I'm thinking brunch,
farmer's market, maybe a hike.

24
00:00:58,068 --> 00:00:59,378
I love you, too.

25
00:00:59,503 --> 00:01:00,309
Bye.

26
00:01:02,068 --> 00:01:05,237
I figured he was just talking
to some girl he was trying to nail.

27
00:01:05,362 --> 00:01:07,312
Or Ted, but now I don't know.

28
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:11,051
Wait, do you think it's possible
that Barney Stinson

29
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,922
has a girlfriend?

30
00:01:13,848 --> 00:01:14,750
Later.

31
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,992
Wait, Barney, hold on.
Where are you going?

32
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,160
Nowhere.

33
00:01:18,715 --> 00:01:20,994
The beach.
It's winter. Lazer Tag.

34
00:01:21,119 --> 00:01:22,832
Home. Shut up.
You're going somewhere.

35
00:01:24,912 --> 00:01:25,962
Oh, my God.

36
00:01:26,293 --> 00:01:27,670
He's meeting her right now.

37
00:01:31,654 --> 00:01:33,607
- Where is Barney going?
- Yeah.

38
00:01:33,732 --> 00:01:35,469
We're not even in Manhattan anymore.

39
00:01:35,764 --> 00:01:37,138
Where's this girl live?

40
00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,390
We're talking about a woman
who's gotten Barney Stinson to commit.

41
00:01:40,515 --> 00:01:42,015
I'm guessing Narnia.

42
00:01:43,417 --> 00:01:44,633
He's stopping.

43
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,269
- What are you guys doing here?
- Where is she?

44
00:01:59,394 --> 00:02:01,120
- Who?
- Your girlfriend.

45
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:06,334
You really don't have a type,
do you?

46
00:02:08,118 --> 00:02:09,272
These are my friends.

47
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,220
Guys,

48
00:02:13,345 --> 00:02:14,680
this is Loretta.

49
00:02:14,972 --> 00:02:17,428
- My mom.
- It's so nice to meet you.

50
00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:19,597
I feel like I already know you all.

51
00:02:19,902 --> 00:02:22,683
Barney goes on and on about you
every day when we talk.

52
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:25,352
You call your mom every day?

53
00:02:26,787 --> 00:02:27,787
Mom!

54
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,481
So that's what you were being
all secretive about?

55
00:02:31,606 --> 00:02:34,570
You didn't want us to know
you're a big old mama's boy.

56
00:02:35,308 --> 00:02:38,365
Yep, you got me.
Well, guess you guys can leave.

57
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,747
Who are all these people?

58
00:02:48,264 --> 00:02:49,913
I'd like you to meet Betty...

59
00:02:50,038 --> 00:02:51,086
my wife.

60
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,424
And my son Tyler.

61
00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:59,370
Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow

62
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:15,402
Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready.
There'll be plenty for everyone.

63
00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:16,956
But remember you,

64
00:03:17,081 --> 00:03:19,578
only one helping of meatloaf
after what Dr. Grossbard

65
00:03:19,703 --> 00:03:22,428
- said about your cholesterol.
- This one wants me to live forever.

66
00:03:22,553 --> 00:03:23,285
Guilty.

67
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,080
- I love you.
- I love you, too.

68
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,999
- I love you three!
- Get out of here, you little scamp!

69
00:03:31,506 --> 00:03:34,588
- So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?
- What the hell, Barney?

70
00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:36,735
OK, it's a long story.

71
00:03:37,549 --> 00:03:40,345
As you know, my father
had to leave my mom

72
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:43,472
when I was a baby because he got hired
as the host of The Price is Right.

73
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,475
- It was a very good show.
- Bob Barker is your father.

74
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,448
She had to raise
my brother and me by herself.

75
00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:53,635
And her only wish was for her sons

76
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,318
not to wind up alone, like she was.

77
00:03:56,925 --> 00:03:59,488
Then about seven years ago,
she got really sick.

78
00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:02,754
It looked like
she wasn't going to make it.

79
00:04:02,879 --> 00:04:05,983
So, I decided to make
her wish come true.

80
00:04:06,317 --> 00:04:07,343
Mom.

81
00:04:07,718 --> 00:04:10,155
This is Betty.
We're engaged.

82
00:04:10,974 --> 00:04:14,743
I hired an actress
to play my fiancée "Betty".

83
00:04:15,361 --> 00:04:16,682
Her real name's Margaret.

84
00:04:16,807 --> 00:04:19,257
She mostly does off-Broadway theater.
Wonderful actress.

85
00:04:19,382 --> 00:04:21,174
This close to a Tony.
It's all who you know.

86
00:04:21,299 --> 00:04:23,310
It's very political.
I shouldn't get into it.

87
00:04:23,435 --> 00:04:25,135
But there's one problem.

88
00:04:25,621 --> 00:04:28,642
Betty has a slight tendency
to go off-book.

89
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:31,684
You see, Mom?
I found someone who makes me happy.

90
00:04:31,953 --> 00:04:33,147
Just like you wanted.

91
00:04:33,396 --> 00:04:34,746
That's wonderful.

92
00:04:35,698 --> 00:04:39,361
I just wish I could've stuck around
long enough for grandchildren.

93
00:04:40,516 --> 00:04:41,666
I'm pregnant!

94
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,329
And then my mom got better.

95
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,347
Which was miraculous. But it meant
that I had to keep "Betty"

96
00:04:52,472 --> 00:04:55,702
around and cast a kid
to play my son Tyler.

97
00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:59,381
This is crazy.
You actually cast your own son?

98
00:04:59,737 --> 00:05:00,727
For a while,

99
00:05:00,852 --> 00:05:03,552
I got by borrowing/babysitting
my neighbor's baby.

100
00:05:03,897 --> 00:05:07,051
And this one Christmas,
when my mom was plowed on eggnog,

101
00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:09,889
I got away with a bag of flour
and a Chuckie mask.

102
00:05:10,251 --> 00:05:13,187
But eventually,
I had to hold auditions.

103
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,214
Four,

104
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:16,633
eight...

105
00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:20,861
13, you can stay.
The rest of you may go.

106
00:05:23,249 --> 00:05:26,033
You said that if I slept with you,
my son would get the part.

107
00:05:26,321 --> 00:05:28,577
Apparently,
I'm a better actor than your kid.

108
00:05:29,151 --> 00:05:31,121
Bring in the 11:00's!

109
00:05:31,655 --> 00:05:35,255
And that's how the role of Tyler
eventually went to...

110
00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:36,940
Grant.

111
00:05:38,514 --> 00:05:40,714
- Come on, Grant seems pretty good.
- You think so?

112
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,603
Watch this.
Hey, Tyler.

113
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,726
- Grant.
- Yeah?

114
00:05:54,017 --> 00:05:55,813
See?
It's like amateur hour over here.

115
00:05:56,982 --> 00:06:00,601
Call me crazy, but child actors
were way better back in the'80s.

116
00:06:04,611 --> 00:06:06,176
It looks like your mom kept

117
00:06:06,301 --> 00:06:08,655
your childhood bedroom
just the way you left it.

118
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,611
That sure is a big poster
of <i>The Karate Kid</i> above your bed.

119
00:06:11,736 --> 00:06:13,247
<i>Karate Kid</i>'s a great movie.

120
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:17,856
It's the story of a hopeful young karate
enthusiast whose dreams and moxie

121
00:06:18,139 --> 00:06:20,629
take him all the way
to the All Valley Karate Championship.

122
00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:24,425
Of course, sadly, he loses
in the final round to that nerd kid.

123
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:28,178
But he learns an important lesson
about gracefully accepting defeat.

124
00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:32,238
Wait.
When you watch <i>The Karate Kid</i>,

125
00:06:32,363 --> 00:06:34,935
you actually root
for that mean blond boy?

126
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,460
No, I root for the scrawny loser
from New Jersey

127
00:06:38,585 --> 00:06:40,232
who barely even knows karate.

128
00:06:40,837 --> 00:06:44,778
When I watch <i>The Karate Kid</i>,
I root for the karate kid:

129
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,272
Johnny Lawrence
from the Cobra Kai dojo.

130
00:06:47,628 --> 00:06:49,700
Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

131
00:06:52,269 --> 00:06:54,872
Okay, I just figured out
where I know you from.

132
00:06:55,865 --> 00:06:58,525
I saw you perform
at the Disorientation Theater

133
00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:02,588
in Bertolt Brecht's Die Heilige
Johanna der Schlachth felast fall.

134
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,716
You were a revelation!

135
00:07:06,748 --> 00:07:08,204
- Really?
- Yeah.

136
00:07:08,329 --> 00:07:09,219
Thanks.

137
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:12,723
I wasn't sure. I mean, the point
of Brecht's work, of course, is to...

138
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,725
Alienate the audience.
Sure.

139
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:18,103
Sorry.
Brecht-o-phile right here!

140
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,148
You really know your theater.

141
00:07:22,070 --> 00:07:25,508
Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on
and she never let go.

142
00:07:26,151 --> 00:07:27,515
Every year at Christmas,

143
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,199
I'd put on a little play for the parents
with all the other kids.

144
00:07:30,922 --> 00:07:34,369
Gee whiz, Santa, do you think
we can take off in this kind of snow?

145
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,788
Cut! Cut!

146
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:37,915
Cut! Ricky!

147
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,168
Grandma and Grandpa
are gonna be here in half an hour,

148
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,279
and you're still butchering
my words.

149
00:07:42,404 --> 00:07:44,838
Looks like I'm gonna have to write,
direct and star in this thing.

150
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,098
Give me your elf hat.
Go sit.

151
00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:49,843
I always secretly wanted
to be an actor.

152
00:07:50,381 --> 00:07:52,721
It's one of those life dreams
that just slipped away, I guess.

153
00:07:53,145 --> 00:07:55,766
Listen, if you want,
I could give you some tips on acting.

154
00:07:56,032 --> 00:07:57,476
- Really?
- I'd love to.

155
00:07:59,528 --> 00:08:01,552
Acting rule number one...

156
00:08:02,286 --> 00:08:04,483
At least someone's still excited
about acting.

157
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,401
I miss that.

158
00:08:07,261 --> 00:08:08,987
So, you don't like playing
Barney's son?

159
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,657
I hate it.
But what can I do?

160
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,779
- The phone just ain't ringing.
- I know what you mean.

161
00:08:14,904 --> 00:08:16,319
I'm a newscaster.

162
00:08:16,444 --> 00:08:18,914
But I just had to take a job
hosting a local morning show

163
00:08:19,039 --> 00:08:21,041
that airs at 4:30 in the morning.

164
00:08:22,594 --> 00:08:25,760
I just thought I'd be so much
further along by this point, you know?

165
00:08:25,885 --> 00:08:26,880
I'm almost 30.

166
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,049
Come on, you still look great.

167
00:08:30,201 --> 00:08:31,718
I love your nose job.

168
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,929
I never had a nose job.

169
00:08:34,289 --> 00:08:35,324
Right.

170
00:08:35,824 --> 00:08:36,901
Me neither.

171
00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:41,854
I can't believe
we haven't met you before.

172
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,273
Who knew Barney
had such a great mom?

173
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:45,752
Thanks, dear.

174
00:08:45,877 --> 00:08:49,319
Truth is, I wasn't always
the best mother when I was younger.

175
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,156
Don't say that.
I'm sure you were great.

176
00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:54,658
Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.

177
00:08:55,406 --> 00:08:56,535
Excuse me?

178
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,163
A whore, dear.
A dirty whore.

179
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,498
I'm not proud of it.

180
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:03,762
But...

181
00:09:04,038 --> 00:09:05,502
still, I had some fun.

182
00:09:06,935 --> 00:09:09,134
There is no thrill equal to...

183
00:09:09,259 --> 00:09:12,080
looking into some guy's eyes
and thinking,

184
00:09:12,205 --> 00:09:15,143
"I don't know your name,
you don't know mine, but...

185
00:09:16,177 --> 00:09:17,540
"for the next eight minutes,

186
00:09:17,665 --> 00:09:19,888
"we are gonna rock
this gas station bathroom

187
00:09:20,013 --> 00:09:21,768
"right off its foundation."

188
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,231
And then just drive off
in opposite directions.

189
00:09:28,919 --> 00:09:30,319
Just keep driving.

190
00:09:33,271 --> 00:09:34,451
Barney's mom?

191
00:09:34,576 --> 00:09:35,616
Loretta.

192
00:09:37,268 --> 00:09:40,120
Anyway, that's,
that's all in the past now.

193
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,727
I did the best I could, but...

194
00:09:43,688 --> 00:09:46,960
sometimes I wonder how Barney
turned out to be so perfect.

195
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,803
You have to tell your mom
the truth, okay?

196
00:09:50,928 --> 00:09:52,571
Listen, she is a sweet,

197
00:09:52,696 --> 00:09:56,470
caring, slightly too graphic woman
who deserves better.

198
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,306
No way. The truth would kill her.

199
00:10:00,015 --> 00:10:01,383
I don't feel right

200
00:10:01,508 --> 00:10:03,995
about lying to such
a kindhearted woman, okay?

201
00:10:05,107 --> 00:10:06,647
She reminds me of my own mother.

202
00:10:08,512 --> 00:10:10,484
- What?
- Kindhearted?

203
00:10:10,919 --> 00:10:13,987
Remember in our wedding vows
when I said we'd be together forever?

204
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:18,557
On our way back up the aisle,
your mother leaned in and she said,

205
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:22,079
"Not forever, sweetie.
Marshall's going to heaven."

206
00:10:22,865 --> 00:10:25,641
- She was making a joke.
- She hates me, Marshall.

207
00:10:25,766 --> 00:10:27,231
But that's okay because...

208
00:10:27,635 --> 00:10:28,460
Never mind.

209
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,797
What were you gonna say?

210
00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:35,199
Nothing. Do you want to go do it
in Barney's childhood bedroom again?

211
00:10:35,661 --> 00:10:38,178
- On the race car bed?
- Handles great, buddy.

212
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,724
Look, Lily, if today has taught us
nothing else, it's that

213
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:45,394
honesty is important
when it comes to family.

214
00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:49,038
Now, whatever you're feeling
towards my mother,

215
00:10:49,539 --> 00:10:52,310
we've been together
for 12 years, baby.

216
00:10:53,187 --> 00:10:55,696
- I think that I can handle it.
- Really?

217
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:00,206
I hate your mom.

218
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:02,760
Guess what?

219
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,329
I hate you!

220
00:11:08,172 --> 00:11:09,710
Two minute warning for meatloaf!

221
00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:11,044
Meatloaf?

222
00:11:11,802 --> 00:11:13,088
Tyler no likey!

223
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,178
We have been over this
a million times!

224
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:21,471
- You are not getting a catchphrase!
- But it's funny.

225
00:11:23,493 --> 00:11:25,058
I am not afraid to recast.

226
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:28,430
Now go memorize your lines
for the big dinner scene.

227
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,607
Wait. So you wrote the dinner
we're about to have?

228
00:11:32,782 --> 00:11:34,405
Just a short script.

229
00:11:34,530 --> 00:11:36,664
Just things that will make
my mom happy to hear.

230
00:11:36,789 --> 00:11:37,904
What kind of things?

231
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,906
And I really thought

232
00:11:40,218 --> 00:11:42,242
Barney had forgotten
our anniversary.

233
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:46,663
So I storm out to the backyard,
and there's smoke coming out of my ears.

234
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,624
Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare
when she gets mad. I love it.

235
00:11:50,381 --> 00:11:52,544
Doing it right now.
Doing it right now!

236
00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:54,912
You better stop, mister!

237
00:11:55,037 --> 00:11:57,590
Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue.

238
00:11:58,231 --> 00:12:00,260
This is what you're actually
like in a relationship.

239
00:12:00,912 --> 00:12:03,368
So I storm out
to the backyard and...

240
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,433
candles everywhere...

241
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:08,769
and a string quartet.

242
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,314
- Can you believe that?
- No, not even slightly.

243
00:12:13,261 --> 00:12:15,817
What about my little Ty-Ty.
What have you been up to?

244
00:12:16,381 --> 00:12:17,440
Funny story:

245
00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:20,447
just the other night,
this little rascal had a nightmare.

246
00:12:20,895 --> 00:12:22,724
When he came in
to tell us what it was about,

247
00:12:22,849 --> 00:12:24,591
do you remember
what you said, champ?

248
00:12:29,112 --> 00:12:30,112
Page four.

249
00:12:34,222 --> 00:12:37,839
The dinosaur bones in the museum
came to life and started chasing me?

250
00:12:38,109 --> 00:12:40,674
Thanks a lot, buddy.
I didn't need to sleep tonight.

251
00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:44,615
Tyler said, "My nightmare was

252
00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:47,585
"that you and Mommy didn't
know how much I loved you.

253
00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:50,143
"So I wanted to come in
and tell you it was this much."

254
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:54,314
That's so sweet.

255
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:56,333
We're a sweet happy family.

256
00:12:56,458 --> 00:12:59,046
'm gonna grab some ice cream
from the freezer downstairs

257
00:12:59,171 --> 00:13:01,544
and then we'll all hit
the sundae bar in the kitchen.

258
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,927
Not a weak link in that scene.

259
00:13:08,052 --> 00:13:09,162
Bravo.

260
00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:12,274
Back off, Barney.
You have no idea how hard it is

261
00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:13,917
to do a job that's beneath you.

262
00:13:15,616 --> 00:13:18,337
I really enjoyed your thing
about the dinosaur bones.

263
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:20,549
Can we please stop talking
about the dinosaur bones?

264
00:13:22,797 --> 00:13:24,177
Just go eat your sundae.

265
00:13:24,430 --> 00:13:27,191
I can't.
I'm lactose-intolerant.

266
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:30,851
Guess who's not
lactose-intolerant? Tyler.

267
00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:33,681
Tyler is gonna go in there

268
00:13:33,806 --> 00:13:36,329
and enjoy every last bite.

269
00:13:36,621 --> 00:13:38,066
Ice cream time, gang.

270
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,235
Yummers!

271
00:13:41,842 --> 00:13:42,696
My God!

272
00:13:45,356 --> 00:13:46,685
Tyler no likey.

273
00:13:47,232 --> 00:13:49,316
You're not getting a catchphrase.

274
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,292
I don't understand.

275
00:13:55,814 --> 00:13:56,814
I do.

276
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:01,465
Follow my lead.

277
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:02,634
I've...

278
00:14:03,325 --> 00:14:04,701
been betrayed

279
00:14:05,030 --> 00:14:06,386
by my best friend.

280
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,263
How could you do this, Ted?

281
00:14:09,191 --> 00:14:10,807
Think about poor Tyler

282
00:14:11,513 --> 00:14:13,811
bravely trying to hold back tears.

283
00:14:14,689 --> 00:14:17,121
It's okay, son, you can cry.

284
00:14:19,421 --> 00:14:20,421
Cry!

285
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:24,488
I don't want my mommy
and daddy to get divorced!

286
00:14:29,305 --> 00:14:33,205
What could you possibly have
to say for yourself?

287
00:14:34,725 --> 00:14:36,374
Acting rule number one:

288
00:14:36,794 --> 00:14:38,543
"Don't be afraid to improvise."

289
00:14:40,135 --> 00:14:41,985
Was it me who betrayed you,

290
00:14:43,137 --> 00:14:45,158
or you who betrayed me?

291
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,254
I'm sorry. What?

292
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,763
Acting rule number five:

293
00:14:50,152 --> 00:14:53,073
"Invent a rich back story
for your character."

294
00:14:53,889 --> 00:14:55,963
November 14th, 1998.

295
00:14:57,252 --> 00:14:59,656
The overnight train to Monte Carlo.

296
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,776
I was in the billiards car

297
00:15:03,340 --> 00:15:06,029
hustling some Algerians
out of few thousand dinar,

298
00:15:06,957 --> 00:15:10,190
when you seduced my fiancée!

299
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:14,413
Who is blind and thought
you were me.

300
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:18,749
What in God's name
are you talking about?

301
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:20,668
Acting rule number eight:

302
00:15:21,084 --> 00:15:22,921
Don't be afraid to get physical.

303
00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:27,101
You know damn well
what I'm talking about!

304
00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:28,343
No, I don't!

305
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,293
Yes, you do! And by God,

306
00:15:31,418 --> 00:15:33,951
I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!

307
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,892
Mom, can you give us a sec?

308
00:15:39,659 --> 00:15:42,271
There's chocolate and butterscotch.

309
00:15:42,539 --> 00:15:45,262
There's various kinds
of sprinkles and marshmallows.

310
00:15:48,089 --> 00:15:49,573
Have you lost your mind?!

311
00:15:50,299 --> 00:15:52,450
You were amazing!

312
00:15:52,715 --> 00:15:55,537
You completely just became
that character.

313
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,528
Honestly,
I wasn't so much playing Ted

314
00:15:57,653 --> 00:15:59,748
as I was just trying
to get out of Ted's way.

315
00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:02,377
What is wrong with you people?

316
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,754
How am I ever gonna
explain this to my mother?

317
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,607
Maybe it's time
to tell her the truth.

318
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,805
I don't know, Lily.
Sometimes, honesty leads people

319
00:16:10,930 --> 00:16:14,556
to say mean things about a woman
who always took special care of me

320
00:16:14,681 --> 00:16:16,557
because I was the
runt of the family.

321
00:16:17,282 --> 00:16:19,903
For crying out loud,
I'm only six-four!

322
00:16:23,097 --> 00:16:24,660
How good was my crying?

323
00:16:24,785 --> 00:16:26,610
You nailed it.
See?

324
00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:30,155
Even at a gig you hate,
you still managed to love what you do.

325
00:16:31,112 --> 00:16:33,491
Maybe that's how it will be
for you at your new job.

326
00:16:33,914 --> 00:16:36,032
- You think so?
- I know so.

327
00:16:36,874 --> 00:16:38,074
Thanks, Grant.

328
00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:40,655
You're pretty smart, you know that?

329
00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:46,913
Sorry! Sorry!

330
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,257
Thought I was picking up
on something.

331
00:16:51,103 --> 00:16:52,469
Honey, are you okay?

332
00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,680
Look, Mom,
there's something I have to tell you.

333
00:16:56,556 --> 00:16:58,808
Something I should have
told you a long time ago.

334
00:17:04,263 --> 00:17:05,315
Tyler is dying.

335
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:08,982
And Betty said that when he goes,

336
00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:10,567
she's gonna off herself.

337
00:17:10,934 --> 00:17:13,364
So that's probably
all gonna go down pretty soon.

338
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:14,658
Oh, my God!

339
00:17:16,843 --> 00:17:18,393
None of that is true!

340
00:17:19,203 --> 00:17:20,455
The truth is, I...

341
00:17:23,925 --> 00:17:27,238
The truth is Betty and Tyler
are actors

342
00:17:27,363 --> 00:17:30,131
that I hired
to pretend to be my family.

343
00:17:30,686 --> 00:17:31,549
What?

344
00:17:32,114 --> 00:17:34,766
I just wanted you to think
I had the life

345
00:17:34,891 --> 00:17:37,222
you wanted for me.
I wanted you to be proud of me.

346
00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:41,518
I know it sounds crazy,
and I am so sorry, Mom.

347
00:17:42,073 --> 00:17:44,187
So Betty is not your wife?

348
00:17:46,125 --> 00:17:47,552
Thank God!

349
00:17:47,869 --> 00:17:49,899
I do not like that woman.

350
00:17:50,929 --> 00:17:52,589
- Really?
- Yes.

351
00:17:53,287 --> 00:17:54,761
And Tyler...

352
00:17:55,636 --> 00:17:58,904
I know I'm his grandma
and I'm supposed to love him,

353
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,558
but I hate that kid.

354
00:18:00,683 --> 00:18:01,997
"Tyler no likey!"

355
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:03,914
- What the hell is that?
- Right?

356
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,961
Those fake friends of yours out there,
I just wanted to shoot myself.

357
00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:11,371
I know!
Aren't they horrible?

358
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:14,383
So really, really, you're not mad?

359
00:18:14,936 --> 00:18:18,138
I'm just confused. I don't know
why you thought you had to do this.

360
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,816
Barney, I love you, perfect
family or no perfect family.

361
00:18:21,941 --> 00:18:23,768
I love you no matter what.

362
00:18:24,489 --> 00:18:26,367
- Really?
- Really.

363
00:18:32,435 --> 00:18:34,502
I am so relieved

364
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:38,011
because the truth is
I am as far from married

365
00:18:38,136 --> 00:18:40,011
as a human being can possibly be.

366
00:18:40,136 --> 00:18:42,954
My history with women
would shock and appall you.

367
00:18:43,504 --> 00:18:45,129
Doesn't matter.
I still love you.

368
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:47,791
Seriously, you can't imagine
the things I have done.

369
00:18:48,318 --> 00:18:50,883
Barney, when you were three,
I left you with a babysitter

370
00:18:51,008 --> 00:18:53,633
and spent three weeks
with Grand Funk Railroad

371
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,550
being passed around like a bong.

372
00:18:56,194 --> 00:18:57,194
Mommy!

373
00:18:58,447 --> 00:18:59,821
Just do me a favor.

374
00:18:59,946 --> 00:19:02,072
If you ever do meet someone special,

375
00:19:02,197 --> 00:19:04,443
don't run away from it.
Don't be me.

376
00:19:05,174 --> 00:19:06,950
Take a shot at it, will you?

377
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:10,032
Cab's here.

378
00:19:13,583 --> 00:19:14,583
I'll try.

379
00:19:15,958 --> 00:19:19,534
<i>And so ended one of the strangest
afternoons of our lives.</i>

380
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,920
And I just wanted to say to you,

381
00:19:23,155 --> 00:19:25,230
if I ever seemed cold

382
00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:27,984
or unwelcoming, I'm sorry.

383
00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:29,918
Who's she talking to?

384
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:31,087
My mom.

385
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:35,147
It would mean a lot to me
if you and I could be closer.

386
00:19:36,406 --> 00:19:39,791
Now take a deep breath like this next
thing is gonna be hard to say.

387
00:19:42,911 --> 00:19:44,015
I love you.

388
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,334
I love you...

389
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:46,896
Mom.

390
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:49,312
... Mom.

391
00:19:50,785 --> 00:19:52,273
Now pretend I said something nice.

392
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,151
Now pretend I said something nice.

393
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:56,403
I mean,

394
00:19:56,649 --> 00:19:59,948
that's very nice
of you to say, Judy.

395
00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,785
You, too.
Speak soon.

396
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:13,714
Let me get this straight.
You're really telling me

397
00:20:13,839 --> 00:20:15,637
that when you watch <i>The Karate Kid</i>,

398
00:20:15,762 --> 00:20:17,340
you don't root for Daniel-san?

399
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:22,277
- Who do you root for in <i>Die Hard</i>?
- Hans Gruber,

400
00:20:22,426 --> 00:20:24,299
charming international bandit.

401
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,174
At the end, he died hard.

402
00:20:26,365 --> 00:20:27,954
He's the title character.

403
00:20:28,488 --> 00:20:30,596
Okay, <i>The Breakfast Club</i>?

404
00:20:31,802 --> 00:20:33,802
The teacher running detention.

405
00:20:34,178 --> 00:20:36,234
He's the only guy
in the whole movie wearing a suit.

406
00:20:36,838 --> 00:20:38,866
I got one.
<i>Terminator</i>.

407
00:20:39,744 --> 00:20:41,865
What's the name of the movie, Robin?

408
00:20:42,688 --> 00:20:45,307
Who among us didn't shed a tear

409
00:20:45,432 --> 00:20:47,853
when his little red eye
went out at the end

410
00:20:47,978 --> 00:20:50,206
and he didn't get
to kill those people?

411
00:20:52,183 --> 00:20:53,933
I'm sorry.
That movie...

412
00:20:55,281 --> 00:20:57,881
I am never watching a movie
with you ever again.

413
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:00,133
They didn't even try to help him!