1
00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:05,330
**2009, I'd been dating my high school
girlfriend Karen for a few weeks.
2
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:07,250
My friends couldn't have
been happier about it.
3
00:00:07,290 --> 00:00:09,870
- Hey,everybody.
- Hello.
4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:11,710
Sorry,we,uh, we can't stay long.
5
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:14,150
- What a shame!
- That is sad!
6
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,890
Hey,are those real diamond earrings?
7
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:19,060
Yes. Yes,they are. Thank you.
8
00:00:19,070 --> 00:00:21,440
I didn't say I liked them.
9
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,830
Oh,well,I got a great deal on them,so...
10
00:00:23,870 --> 00:00:27,560
Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners
in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five
11
00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:31,410
if they still had all their
fingers. But really pretty.
12
00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:33,590
Meet me upstairs.
13
00:00:33,610 --> 00:00:35,920
They only need one finger to
give her what I'm thinking.
14
00:00:35,930 --> 00:00:38,950
Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche.
15
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:40,950
Thanks for sugarcoating it.
16
00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:42,740
"Douche"is sugarcoating it.
17
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,930
Uh,okay, believe it or not,my friends
do not get a vote on who I date.
18
00:00:46,970 --> 00:00:48,920
It's my life. I call the shots.
19
00:00:48,930 --> 00:00:51,300
- Ted,now!
- Yeah,coming!
20
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:56,170
I don't know what Ted sees
in that horrible woman.
21
00:00:56,180 --> 00:00:58,730
I mean,yeah, she's got boobs, but...
22
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,400
well, I guess I get it.
23
00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:02,450
I think it's 'cause
they met in high school.
24
00:01:02,490 --> 00:01:04,450
She was his first real girlfriend.
25
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,400
We look at Karen and see a jerk.
26
00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:09,860
Ted looks at Karen and sees the first
person to touch his wiener besides himself,
27
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,830
his mom,and his pediatrician.
28
00:01:11,870 --> 00:01:14,320
Okay,well,it's almost 2:00 A.M.
I better get ready for work.
29
00:01:14,330 --> 00:01:17,690
How can they call that thing
you're on a "morning show"?
30
00:01:17,740 --> 00:01:20,270
4:00 A.M.is still the
middle of the night.
31
00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:21,720
I don't see how you do it.
32
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,580
It's been almost a
month. I'm used to it.
33
00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:26,490
Plus the show's not half bad,right?
34
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,830
- Totally.
- I've never seen it.
35
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:30,760
Have you guys ever watched it?
36
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,630
- Of course!
- I've never seen it.
37
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,360
Really? What is your favorite segment?
38
00:01:34,370 --> 00:01:35,630
- Weather.
- I've never seen it.
39
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,540
- You guys have never seen my show.
- Sorry.
40
00:01:37,550 --> 00:01:39,490
- It's true.
- That's what I've been saying.
41
00:01:40,130 --> 00:01:44,710
Okay,yes,it's dull and generic and we get
spanked in the ratings by that Korean channel
42
00:01:44,750 --> 00:01:47,500
that only shows Kim
Jong Il riding a horse,
43
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:53,390
but guys,it would mean so much to me if just
once I knew my friends were out there watching.
44
00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:56,050
I'll tell you what.
45
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,330
This Friday morning, everyone
can come to our place 3:30 A.M.
46
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,210
We'll all put on PJs.
We'll watch Robin's show.
47
00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:04,570
Aw,you guys are the best.
48
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:05,980
We just want to support you.
49
00:02:05,990 --> 00:02:09,260
{a6}3:30***
50
00:02:06,410 --> 00:02:09,260
I just want to go to sleep!
51
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:12,230
I hate Robin for not
being more successful.
52
00:02:13,070 --> 00:02:14,830
Hey,guys.
53
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:20,120
Sad announcement:
Karen broke up with me.
54
00:02:21,990 --> 00:02:23,230
Go ahead.
55
00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:26,080
I knew you were listening! Yes!
56
00:02:26,090 --> 00:02:30,970
This
57
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:38,970
IS
58
00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:40,890
How I Met Your Mother
Season 04 Episode 17
59
00:02:40,980 --> 00:02:44,070
Hey,hey, we shouldn't be celebrating.
60
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,910
Ted's just been through a bad breakup.
61
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,560
Look,buddy,tell us everything.
Tell us what happened.
62
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,760
Seriously,spare no details.
63
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:55,720
What did she say? What did
you say? How did it feel?
64
00:02:56,170 --> 00:03:00,410
If you were to do it again,
all over,would you maybe...
65
00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:03,610
How did it happen?
66
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:04,910
It was the stupidest thing.
67
00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:09,140
I mean,we were just hanging
out, you know,being funny...
68
00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:11,560
You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.
69
00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:15,330
Ew,no,you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.
70
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,370
Wait. What is this?
71
00:03:18,910 --> 00:03:21,780
Looks like one of Robin's
earrings. That's weird.
72
00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:24,390
- You're the fan...
- How did it get in your bed?
73
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,940
I don't know.
74
00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:27,620
Have you been sleeping with Robin?
75
00:03:27,630 --> 00:03:29,210
What? No,of course not!
76
00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:31,830
It,it probably got mixed in
with the laundry or something.
77
00:03:31,890 --> 00:03:33,290
Why should I believe you?
78
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,260
Um,maybe because I've
alwaysbeen faithful to you
79
00:03:36,270 --> 00:03:39,370
while you've cheated on
me, like,six times,bitch.
80
00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:41,050
- Oh,snap! -
Cold-blooded!
81
00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:43,270
Right? Right?
82
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,550
I totally should have said that.
83
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,930
Why should I believe you?
84
00:03:46,970 --> 00:03:52,130
Um,maybe because I'vealwaysbeen
faithful to you while you...
85
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,010
I love you...
86
00:03:56,020 --> 00:04:00,390
I knew this was a mistake.
That's it. It's over.
87
00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:04,500
And that was it. She left.
88
00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:05,780
What a story.
89
00:04:05,820 --> 00:04:08,340
So brave of you to share that.
90
00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:11,220
Wait. Thoseare your pajamas?
91
00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:13,240
You sleep in a pajama suit?
92
00:04:13,270 --> 00:04:15,680
Of course. What do you think I sleep in?
93
00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:17,430
A coffin.
94
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,170
Dude,that doesn't look
comfortable at all.
95
00:04:20,210 --> 00:04:21,550
You're wearing a tie.
96
00:04:21,580 --> 00:04:24,530
First of all, it's a sleeping cravat.
97
00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:26,880
Second,it's not about comfort.
98
00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:29,430
It's about looking good all the time.
99
00:04:29,450 --> 00:04:31,570
Why do you have to
look good all the time?
100
00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:35,730
Marshall,let me tell you a little story about
something that happened a couple months back.
101
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:49,950
We were just having a "Who's hornier" contest
and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves.
102
00:04:49,970 --> 00:04:51,150
Nice pajamas.
103
00:04:51,170 --> 00:04:53,270
Can we use your shower?
104
00:04:55,410 --> 00:04:58,130
That's not a memory.
That's from a porn movie.
105
00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:01,660
Not just any movie. That's
the exact scene from...
106
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,830
Never mind.
107
00:05:03,850 --> 00:05:06,160
The point is itcouldhappen.
108
00:05:06,190 --> 00:05:11,670
And if it did,and I didn't look my absolute best
for those greasy sluts, I'd regret it forever.
109
00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:17,440
I'm sorry,dude, but that is just the most
ridiculous sleeping attire I've ever seen in my life.
110
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,510
Anyway...
111
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,120
Marshall's wearing a nightgown!
Marshall's wearing a nightgown!
112
00:05:23,130 --> 00:05:25,930
Hey,guys,you know how in the future we're always
saying "Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown"?
113
00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:27,360
This is that time!
114
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,420
It's a nightshirt.
115
00:05:28,430 --> 00:05:31,750
You can call it a Ninja
Star Danger Jock if you want.
116
00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:33,510
Doesn't make you any
less of a cross-dresser.
117
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,200
Whatever,dude. It's comfy.
118
00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:38,690
So,flying to Neverland with
Peter and Tink, was that amazing?
119
00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:40,150
Ooh,let me go next!
120
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:44,570
Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded
bed and take Charlie to the chocolate factory?
121
00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:46,280
Ooh,me,me,me,me!
122
00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:49,090
Um,something about Scrooge!
123
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:51,790
Come on,guys. I'm carrying the team.
124
00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:54,750
I don't know. I lived
with Marshall for 12 years.
125
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,070
Any time he's wearing
clothes at all,it's a victory.
126
00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:01,930
Ted,show's about to start!
127
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,950
Be right there!
128
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,150
Good morning,New York. I'm Robin...
129
00:06:21,610 --> 00:06:24,810
Marshall,I just found Robin's
earring on your dresser.
130
00:06:24,820 --> 00:06:27,160
Did you have something to do with
the other one being in my bed?
131
00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:28,070
What are you talking about?
132
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,280
You've always hated Karen. You've
been telling me to break up with her.
133
00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:34,940
You did it. You-you put the earring
in my bed so that Karen would find it.
134
00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:36,130
No,Ted,No! I would never...
135
00:06:36,140 --> 00:06:37,970
- Admit it!
- There's nothing to admit!
136
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,710
Then why was Robin's
earring on your dresser?
137
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:41,630
He was accessorizing!
138
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,480
Marshall,I swear to God,if you
don't tell me the truth right now...
139
00:06:44,510 --> 00:06:48,200
Wait! Marshall didn't do it.
140
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,460
I did.
141
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:52,870
I broke you and Karen up.
142
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,790
You broke me and Karen
up? Are you insane?
143
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,200
What gives you the right to do that?
144
00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:05,320
Ted,I did it for your own good.
145
00:07:05,350 --> 00:07:08,630
You just weren't seeing
how awful she was.
146
00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,910
She failed the Front Porch Test.
147
00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:13,080
What's the Front Porch Test?
148
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,990
Ted,you,me,and Marshall have
been best friends since college.
149
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:20,120
Think about how much we
all mean to each other.
150
00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:23,800
So when I picture the future,
I picture us all together.
151
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:28,070
How we'll all be retired, sipping tea
on the front porch of our beach house,
152
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,900
playing bridge all day.
153
00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:32,430
Okay,bridges are wild.
154
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:35,080
Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge.
155
00:07:35,110 --> 00:07:38,910
I see your bridge and I
raise you three bridges.
156
00:07:38,950 --> 00:07:41,180
Bridge! I win!
157
00:07:41,570 --> 00:07:43,680
You have no idea how
to play bridge,do you?
158
00:07:43,710 --> 00:07:44,820
We're gonna take a class.
159
00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:47,160
It's important to stay active.
160
00:07:47,350 --> 00:07:52,300
So whenever you've been dating somebody
for a while, I do the Front Porch Test.
161
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:56,420
You know,how is this person gonna
fit in with our group over the years?
162
00:07:56,430 --> 00:07:58,840
And when I think about Karen there...
163
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,100
Bridge! I win!
164
00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:03,530
Fantastic. Another game of bridge.
165
00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:05,820
Don't read a book or anything.
166
00:08:05,850 --> 00:08:08,920
Look,dear... dolphins.
167
00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:10,310
They seem happy.
168
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:15,480
I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront
property hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet.
169
00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:18,230
It will. That water will kill you.
170
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,740
It is a toxic deathtrap.
171
00:08:20,770 --> 00:08:22,140
I'm gonna take a dip.
172
00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,050
I'll join you.
173
00:08:24,060 --> 00:08:27,220
Karen failed the Front
Porch Test. She had to go.
174
00:08:27,230 --> 00:08:29,540
I can't believe you did that.
175
00:08:29,570 --> 00:08:32,900
Ted,think about how awesome
you,me,and Marshall are.
176
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,730
Seriously think about it.
177
00:08:39,210 --> 00:08:41,610
- We're pretty awesome.
- We're totally awesome!
178
00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:45,960
So whoever you marry,
whoever joins Team Awesome,
179
00:08:45,970 --> 00:08:48,800
the bar is set pretty damn high.
180
00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:52,080
Look, I'm not saying what
I did was right,but...
181
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:53,400
You're better off without her.
182
00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:56,220
And if Clarence the angel
says it's true,it must be true.
183
00:08:56,260 --> 00:08:58,720
Okay,you know what?
Fine,make your little jokes.
184
00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:00,380
Seriously,why would you
wear something like that?
185
00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:03,150
- Lots of reasons.
- I bet you can't name five.
186
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,220
One: No need to wear
anything underneath.
187
00:09:05,270 --> 00:09:07,410
I can vouch for that. Will
you cross your legs,buddy?
188
00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:09,310
Two: Sexy.
189
00:09:09,330 --> 00:09:10,540
I can vouch for that.
190
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,620
Will you uncross your legs, buddy?
191
00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:16,970
Three: My Grandpa Olaf wore
one and he lived to be 107.
192
00:09:17,010 --> 00:09:22,100
Four: No elastic waistband leaving its judgmental
pink teeth marks around my Thanksgiving belly.
193
00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:27,560
And five: Every night when I
go to sleep, it's the freest,
194
00:09:27,570 --> 00:09:29,650
most wonderful feeling in the world.
195
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:33,100
I feel... like I'm flying.
196
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:42,530
So that's how I go to bed
every night: happy, weightless.
197
00:09:42,570 --> 00:09:45,290
with a heart full of
joy. What about you?
198
00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:50,830
I have to lie perfectly still
so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas.
199
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:54,020
But at least I'm not wearing a dress.
200
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,830
So... how mad are you?
201
00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:59,640
I don't know.I mean,
202
00:09:59,650 --> 00:10:04,480
I guess if you guys feel that strongly
about Karen,then maybe it was for the best.
203
00:10:04,490 --> 00:10:06,070
I really am sorry.
204
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:09,630
I hated doing that again,
but Karen had to go.
205
00:10:10,590 --> 00:10:15,140
"Again"? Wait. How many times have
you broken me up with a girlfriend?
206
00:10:15,150 --> 00:10:17,050
Never! Six.
207
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:19,930
- Like who?
- No one! Angie.
208
00:10:20,510 --> 00:10:22,630
Sophomore year.
209
00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:26,990
She was just using you to get back at
her ex, and you clearly didn't see it,
210
00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:31,010
so one day when she was taking a nap...
211
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,060
Creed?
212
00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:50,880
Oh,my God, I have to break up with her.
213
00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:54,700
So that's where my Creed CD went.
214
00:10:55,130 --> 00:10:56,460
Who else?
215
00:10:56,500 --> 00:11:01,680
Remember that weird sci-fi girl who wanted
you to propose after,like,two months?
216
00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:05,940
You barely even liked her, but you
were still thinking about it,so...
217
00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:12,750
Listen,Ted, you're great,
and this is so difficult,
218
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,620
but I think we're looking
for different things.
219
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,970
So,live long and prosper. Or whatever.
220
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,050
That was you? This is insane!
221
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:30,330
Ted,I did those things to help you.
222
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:32,380
You're a commitment junkie.
223
00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,840
You fall in love with these women,
even if they don't deserve you.
224
00:11:35,890 --> 00:11:38,470
What if one of those women was supposed
to be the mother of my children?
225
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:42,380
If there was ever the tiniest chance
of that, I swear I didn't do anything.
226
00:11:42,420 --> 00:11:44,760
Like with Victoria or Stella.
227
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,770
Or Robin.
228
00:11:47,630 --> 00:11:49,450
Or Robin.
229
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,590
Robin,Robin.
230
00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:53,940
Did you break us up,too?
231
00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:56,300
Did you break us up,too?
232
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:59,200
Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy!
233
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:04,150
You weep for these women, but you have
the luxury of not knowing what I know:
234
00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:08,140
that those breakups, while tragic,
probably saved you from a crappy
235
00:12:08,150 --> 00:12:10,150
and very expensive first marriage.
236
00:12:10,170 --> 00:12:12,210
Did you break me and Robin up?
237
00:12:12,250 --> 00:12:16,860
You don't want the truth because deep down,
you want me out there watching out for you.
238
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:21,780
And deep down, you know that none of those women
were ever gonna be the mother of your children.
239
00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:24,210
- Did you break me and Robin up?
- I did what I had to do.
240
00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:27,820
- Did you break me and Robin up?
- You're damn right I did!
241
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:36,540
Marshall, your grandpa
Olaf was a wise man.
242
00:12:40,930 --> 00:12:42,730
You broke me and Robin up?
243
00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:44,480
- No,it's not...
- I cannot believe this.
244
00:12:44,490 --> 00:12:46,540
I need another drink.
245
00:12:46,550 --> 00:12:48,830
You know,I feel a little
breeze down there. It's nice.
246
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,310
Oh,you think that's something?
247
00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:55,150
Stand over this heating vent. It's
like your junk is on a tropical island.
248
00:12:56,790 --> 00:12:59,270
Little Barney says "Mahalo."
249
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,870
Seriously,what is wrong with you,Lily?
250
00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:02,870
How could you do that?
251
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,120
I did this because I care about you!
252
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:08,560
I am so glad that is
the one you watched!
253
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,400
Dear God,what happened to you?
254
00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:15,170
You didn't watch my show?
255
00:13:15,180 --> 00:13:17,220
The show. Sorry.
256
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,710
Something special happen?
257
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,020
Same old,same old.
258
00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:25,610
Lily just told us that
she broke you and me up.
259
00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:28,760
What? Broke-broke us up?
What does that even mean?
260
00:13:28,770 --> 00:13:30,700
And why are these guys
wearing nightgowns?
261
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:31,570
- Nightshirts.
- Nightshirts.
262
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:33,140
- It's a nightshirt.
- It's called a nightshirt,Robin.
263
00:13:33,150 --> 00:13:37,880
Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself to
sabotage many of my relationships, including ours.
264
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,360
No. Robin was different. I
didn't want you two to break up,
265
00:13:41,370 --> 00:13:46,500
but you wanted completely different things
out of life and refused to deal with it.
266
00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:49,110
I could just picture that front porch.
267
00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:51,040
Mm,two of hearts.
268
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:56,550
Just like the hearts of the two children I
never had because my lovely wife hates kids.
269
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,930
Mm,a deuce.
270
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:04,360
Exactly what my career dropped once I
decided to settle down and marry Ted.
271
00:14:04,370 --> 00:14:06,800
Bridge! I win.
272
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,320
Well,I do not like
that scenario one bit.
273
00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:20,750
{a6}A***
274
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:15,370
All I tried to do was get you
guys to talk about your issues.
275
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:19,390
I didn't know I was feeding you the
words that would lead to your breakup.
276
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,720
Hey,here's a fun question, just for fun.
277
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,700
Where do you see yourself in five years?
278
00:14:25,610 --> 00:14:28,590
{a6}l***
279
00:14:25,710 --> 00:14:28,680
You know what's fun? Fun questions.
280
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:31,910
Where do you see yourself in five years?
281
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,760
Where do you see yourself in five years?
282
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,640
{a6}t***
283
00:14:33,770 --> 00:14:35,460
Where do you see yourself?
284
00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:39,970
Not to put words in your mouth,
but you probably want to be married.
285
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,680
I probably want to be married.
286
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:44,950
You probably want to
be in Tokyo or Paris.
287
00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:48,390
I probably want to be in Argentina.
288
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,330
Argentina?
289
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,000
Or Tokyo or Paris.
290
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,010
We have an expiration date, don't we?
291
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,010
Oh,my God.
292
00:14:56,050 --> 00:14:59,200
Lily,you can't manipulate
people like that!
293
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:03,420
I
- I've known you 12 years, and I can honestly say, I have never been more furious at you!
294
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:06,210
- Look,I didn't mean to...I was just...
- No! I don't even want to hear it!
295
00:15:07,380 --> 00:15:09,380
Settle down! Let's just settle down!
296
00:15:09,390 --> 00:15:11,780
Now,I have one question.
297
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,350
What do these bad boys feel like in bed?
298
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,190
Come on. Let's go see.
299
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,540
So,if it weren't for you, Ted
and I might still be dating?
300
00:15:19,550 --> 00:15:22,390
Or you would have stayed
together far too long,
301
00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:26,340
had an incredibly bitter breakup
and not even remained friends,
302
00:15:26,370 --> 00:15:29,850
and then you and I would
never have become best friends.
303
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,780
Don't even say that. Okay?
304
00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:34,340
Stop hugging!
305
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:38,610
Lily,you had no right to
interfere in my relationships.
306
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:39,690
You got lucky. Okay?
307
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:43,090
You met the love of your life in
a dorm hallway when you were 18.
308
00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:44,810
But that doesn't give
you the right to play God
309
00:15:44,870 --> 00:15:48,360
to the rest of us mortals down here
who are still looking for someone.
310
00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:51,660
You're so concerned about who you and Marshall
are gonna end up on that front porch with.
311
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,470
Well,you know what?
312
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:56,040
You can have it to yourselves.
313
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,990
What happened to your jacket?
314
00:16:02,030 --> 00:16:05,440
Oh,soot,bread crumbs, placenta.
315
00:16:05,450 --> 00:16:08,480
Did you at least TiVo it?
316
00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:14,150
So you're this comfy every night,
and Lily still has sex with you?
317
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,500
Yeah. That's what marriage is
all about,man,unconditional love.
318
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,210
You can wear whatever you
want and still get laid.
319
00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:23,620
Tell me more about being married.
320
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,320
Well,sometimes, when you're married,
321
00:16:26,330 --> 00:16:29,440
you wake up to the smell of
breakfast already on the table.
322
00:16:29,470 --> 00:16:31,880
- And coffee,too?
- And coffee,too.
323
00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:36,780
Sometimes,she'll even put out
a vase of freshly cut flowers.
324
00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:39,560
I love flowers.
325
00:16:39,950 --> 00:16:43,480
And sometimes, when you're worried you've
made all the wrong decisions in life
326
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:47,610
and you're not nearly the man you
want to be, what does she do then?
327
00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:52,240
Well, she tells you that you're
great and it's all gonna be okay.
328
00:16:52,250 --> 00:16:54,550
That's wonderful.
329
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:59,120
And she'll help you find
other girls to have sex with?
330
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,310
I mean,I guess.
331
00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:06,500
Maybe if you agreed upon
that beforehand,yeah.
332
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,670
Little guy had a big day.
333
00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:12,360
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
334
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:14,680
Sweet dreams,slugger.
335
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,900
The next night,I was still
angry at your aunt Lily.
336
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,630
Until...
337
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,760
What are you...
338
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:42,300
Lily came by and explained everything.
339
00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:45,220
And she gave me this note for you.
340
00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:50,890
"Ted,I'm sorry.
341
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,310
"It doesn't matter to me who you marry.
342
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:57,170
"I know they'll be awesome
because they'll think you are.
343
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:01,760
"To show I mean it,I put together a little
surprise "for you and Karen upstairs.
344
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,110
Love,Lily."
345
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,890
"P.S.Sorry the envelope
was already open.
346
00:18:05,930 --> 00:18:09,060
"I had to read what
she wrote. Marshall."
347
00:18:09,690 --> 00:18:11,500
Sabotaging our relationship?
348
00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:16,740
I got to say,even using the specially-ordered
extra-low bar by which I judge your friends,
349
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,930
Lily really outdid herself this time.
350
00:18:18,970 --> 00:18:21,370
Obviously,we can't ever see her again.
351
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:24,340
I know. It's a big loss,right?
352
00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:31,300
Hey,rember your old college roommate?
353
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,240
He was married to that
shrill little idiot girl.
354
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:39,250
Marshall. Oh,it's been so long.
355
00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:41,540
God,I hated him.
356
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,050
Anyway,here's his obituary.
357
00:18:45,690 --> 00:18:49,780
And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter
what my friends think of my girlfriend,
358
00:18:49,810 --> 00:18:53,840
but it sure as hell matters what
my girlfriend thinks of my friends.
359
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:56,970
- So you ended it?
- Yeah.
360
00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:02,690
So if you want to be my plus
one, Lily's a damn good cook.
361
00:19:03,570 --> 00:19:07,730
Beef pot pie, mac and cheese,
homemade buttermilk biscuits.
362
00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:10,870
Well, no wonder Marshall dies at 68.
363
00:19:12,710 --> 00:19:14,100
Thank you.
364
00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:16,770
So,Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner.
365
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,630
Well,for her it was breakfast.
366
00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:22,390
And we ended up doing exactly what
Lily wanted us to do all along:
367
00:19:22,410 --> 00:19:24,840
we talked about our relationship.
368
00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:29,610
- So,Lily broke us up,sort of.
- Yeah.
369
00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:33,340
- Kind of makes you wonder.
- Yeah.
370
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:38,320
I mean,if it weren't for her,
would we still be dating right now?
371
00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:40,900
Maybe.
372
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,540
But Lily was right. We weren't ready.
373
00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:47,430
We both need to move
on, do our own thing.
374
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,960
Still do,I guess.
375
00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:54,450
We should make a pact.
376
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:59,390
If the years go by, and we both
turn 40, and we're still single...
377
00:20:05,740 --> 00:20:08,250
Robin Scherbatsky...
378
00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:11,420
will you be my backup wife?
379
00:20:11,450 --> 00:20:13,770
A girl always dreams
of hearing those words.
380
00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:17,400
Yes! Yes! A million times,yes!
381
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,650
- All right,it's a deal.
- Yeah.
382
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,010
So,should we set up some
ground rules for this?
383
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:30,760
Okay,like what?
384
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,770
I don't know. Like neither one of us
can get super fat. Stuff like that.
385
00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:36,250
Okay,I only have one: you
can't wear a nightshirt.
386
00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:39,720
- I will never wear a nightshirt.
- Thank God.
387
00:20:56,570 --> 00:20:58,490
Never mind.
388
00:20:58,810 --> 00:21:01,030
No!