1
00:00:01,740 --> 00:00:03,880
You will not believe what happened

2
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,670
at laser tag last night.

3
00:00:05,670 --> 00:00:07,130
People freaked out because

4
00:00:07,130 --> 00:00:09,770
a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone?

5
00:00:09,770 --> 00:00:11,470
No.

6
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,270
Well, yeah, pretty much.

7
00:00:18,130 --> 00:00:19,170
Come on!

8
00:00:21,330 --> 00:00:23,530
Ow! My shoulder!

9
00:00:23,530 --> 00:00:25,170
Come on.

10
00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:28,730
Stinson, my office! Now!

11
00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:30,000
Crap.

12
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,070
Disorderly game play,

13
00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:33,930
three counts of shoving,

14
00:00:33,930 --> 00:00:35,070
and now this!

15
00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:37,530
Stinson, you're a liability!

16
00:00:37,530 --> 00:00:40,770
I know I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken,

17
00:00:40,770 --> 00:00:43,400
but, damn it, I get results!

18
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,330
Look, you're a good laser tag player.

19
00:00:46,330 --> 00:00:48,000
Maybe the best I've ever seen.

20
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,600
But one of these days,you're gonna get someone hurt.

21
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:52,730
Maybe even yourself.

22
00:00:52,730 --> 00:00:55,330
You just forgot what it's like out there.

23
00:00:55,330 --> 00:00:58,370
You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long.

24
00:00:58,370 --> 00:00:59,570
That's it!

25
00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:00,700
You're out of here, Stinson!

26
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,630
Hand in your gun and your ID badge!

27
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,130
With pleasure.

28
00:01:07,470 --> 00:01:09,300
Please don't do this.

29
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:10,630
This game is all I got.

30
00:01:10,630 --> 00:01:11,800
And I've almost got

31
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,600
enough tickets for the remote control helicopter.

32
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,270
Please.

33
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:22,000
I can't believe I'm doing this.

34
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,170
But I'm gonna give you one last shot.

35
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:26,370
But so help me,

36
00:01:26,370 --> 00:01:29,200
if you so much as step one toe out of line,

37
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,570
you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement

38
00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:33,230
so fast it's gonna make your head spin.

39
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,230
Now, get out of here!

40
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,130
You won't regret this.

41
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,930
That's it, Stinson.

42
00:01:48,930 --> 00:01:51,030
You're banned for life!

43
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,870
No...!

44
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,000
I can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag.

45
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:15,870
What are you gonna do?

46
00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:18,770
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

47
00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:21,000
I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.

48
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,800
We're gonna break in after hours

49
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,730
TP?
and TP the place.

50
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:30,030
Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper

51
00:02:30,030 --> 00:02:32,070
just because they won't let you play laser tag.

52
00:02:32,070 --> 00:02:33,100
And for that matter,

53
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,530
too old for laser tag.

54
00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:37,830
Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.

55
00:02:37,830 --> 00:02:39,800
Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.

56
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,400
Yeah, whatever.

57
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,500
I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List.

58
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:45,900
Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh List

59
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:47,330
What's the Murtaugh List?

60
00:02:49,330 --> 00:02:50,930
around the time I turned 30.

61
00:02:50,930 --> 00:02:53,500
It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong.

62
00:02:56,970 --> 00:02:59,130
every time we had a party,that beer bong came out.

63
00:03:04,370 --> 00:03:06,230
the next day would go like this.

64
00:03:08,630 --> 00:03:10,470
the next day would go like this.

65
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:16,100
Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life,

66
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:18,230
I realized there was only one person in the world

67
00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:19,630
that I could relate to:

68
00:03:19,630 --> 00:03:22,970
Detective Roger Murtaugh,played by Danny Glover

69
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,800
in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon,

70
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,070
known for his often-quoted catchphrase:

71
00:03:28,070 --> 00:03:29,130
I'm too old for this...

72
00:03:29,130 --> 00:03:30,300
Stuff.

73
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:33,170
He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."

74
00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:35,000
It's sad to admit, but as you get older,

75
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,870
there's just certain things you can't do anymore.

76
00:03:36,870 --> 00:03:38,230
That's why I have this list,

77
00:03:38,230 --> 00:03:40,100
so I never make the mistake of thinking

78
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,270
that I can still pull an all-nighter.

79
00:03:43,470 --> 00:03:45,700
I'm too old for that stuff.

80
00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:47,830
Or  eat an entire pizza in one sitting.

81
00:03:47,830 --> 00:03:50,800
I'm too old for that stuff.

82
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,170
Or hang posters on your wall without frames.

83
00:03:54,170 --> 00:03:55,900
Riggs.

84
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,500
Riggs!

85
00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:59,100
I'm too old for that stuff.

86
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,630
By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?

87
00:04:01,630 --> 00:04:03,800
Oh, I don't know.It's kind of a rip-off.

88
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,400
Old guy paired up with a young, renegade cop.

89
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,730
Sound familiar?

90
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,630
Mackleroy and LeFleur.

91
00:04:11,430 --> 00:04:13,030
Don't tell me you guys

92
00:04:13,030 --> 00:04:14,670
<i>have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.</i>

93
00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:18,430
It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time.

94
00:04:19,270 --> 00:04:21,630
Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie

95
00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:23,370
whose horse was just killed by evil Americans,

96
00:04:23,370 --> 00:04:27,470
while LeFleur, his grouchy,old, African-Canadian partner,

97
00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:28,700
just bought a cozy ice

98
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,700
fishing shack in northern Alberta...

99
00:04:33,270 --> 00:04:34,270
All right, I got to go.

100
00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:35,370
Bye, baby.

101
00:04:35,370 --> 00:04:36,600
Have fun at practice.

102
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,630
Practice?

103
00:04:37,630 --> 00:04:39,700
Is he doing that one-man band thing again?

104
00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,400
'Cause that was a bummer.

105
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,000
Actually,

106
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,400
Marshall had just taken over

107
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,500
as coach for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.

108
00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:47,770
He thought it'd be fun,

109
00:04:47,770 --> 00:04:49,470
but Lily saw it as something more--

110
00:04:49,470 --> 00:04:51,070
dad practice.

111
00:04:51,070 --> 00:04:52,100
Hi.

112
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,170
Hey! Oh, my gosh!

113
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:56,430
Orange slices. That is so sweet.

114
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,630
What are you doing here?

115
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:58,770
I couldn't resist.

116
00:04:58,770 --> 00:05:01,230
I wanted to see Coach Marshmallow do his thing.

117
00:05:01,230 --> 00:05:02,900
Oh. Okay.

118
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:04,270
Hey, kids,

119
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,030
who wants to knock off early

120
00:05:06,030 --> 00:05:08,730
and have some of these here orange slices?

121
00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:11,970
Yeah? Well, you can't!

122
00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:14,300
Because oranges are for winners,

123
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,400
and you little turds

124
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,170
haven't even made a single shot yet!

125
00:05:17,170 --> 00:05:19,170
You're embarrassing yourselves,

126
00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:22,730
you're embarrassing Ms. Aldrin, and worst of all,

127
00:05:22,730 --> 00:05:24,100
you're embarrassing me!

128
00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:25,230
That's it!

129
00:05:25,230 --> 00:05:26,830
Suicides! Baseline! Now!

130
00:05:28,770 --> 00:05:30,330
Run.

131
00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:34,800
Ted, there is not a single thing on here

132
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,900
that you are too old to do.

133
00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:39,230
In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh List,

134
00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:40,970
I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.

135
00:05:42,870 --> 00:05:45,730
If you did everything on that list, you would die.

136
00:05:45,730 --> 00:05:50,100
-That wasn't a challenge.-Challenge accepted.

137
00:05:51,830 --> 00:05:54,200
I'm going to do every single thing on this list.

138
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:59,170
And after I do, you will TP the laser tag place with me.

139
00:05:59,170 --> 00:06:00,700
And if you can't do it?

140
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:02,300
I will spend three hours

141
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:05,200
listening to you talk about architecture.

142
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,470
You have got yourself a deal.

143
00:06:06,470 --> 00:06:09,530
Robin, will you do the honors?

144
00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:11,030
A gentleman's agreement!

145
00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:12,230
Huzzah!

146
00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:14,300
All right, chumps, let's do this.

147
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:17,600
Barney Stinson!

148
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,800
You really want to make this bet with him?

149
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:20,700
You know how he is.

150
00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,470
Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff on that list.

151
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,370
I mean, do you really think

152
00:06:25,370 --> 00:06:27,000
Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?

153
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,530
"Get ear pierced."

154
00:06:28,530 --> 00:06:29,570
Check.

155
00:06:29,570 --> 00:06:31,500
All right, I'm off to go

156
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,070
do laundry at Mom's house.

157
00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,850
Hey, you guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight?

158
00:06:40,850 --> 00:06:42,080
We don't have a futon.

159
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,180
Put it over there, boys.

160
00:06:44,180 --> 00:06:46,080
What's going on? It's on the Murtaugh List.

161
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,010
"Crash on a friend's futon

162
00:06:48,010 --> 00:06:49,380
instead of getting a hotel room."

163
00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:52,380
Ooh, I am too old for that stuff.

164
00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:54,110
Dude, what's going on with your ear?

165
00:06:54,110 --> 00:06:56,650
Looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.

166
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,610
What, this?

167
00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,350
Ah, just a little infecsh.

168
00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:02,410
Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off.

169
00:07:02,410 --> 00:07:05,050
Plus, "Put off going to the doctor," on the list.

170
00:07:06,110 --> 00:07:08,650
Oh, hold on.

171
00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:10,880
Go for Bar...

172
00:07:13,210 --> 00:07:15,610
Keep running!

173
00:07:15,610 --> 00:07:17,150
You know what's funny, is I was

174
00:07:17,150 --> 00:07:18,780
supposed to come here to teach them--

175
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:21,180
Do not stop running!

176
00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:24,880
This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me.

177
00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:30,850
That's not running! That's falling!

178
00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:32,950
The next morning,

179
00:07:32,950 --> 00:07:36,480
Barney woke up on the futon in our living room.

180
00:07:42,110 --> 00:07:43,880
Check.

181
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,480
"Drinking shots with strangers."

182
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:47,680
Check.

183
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,380
You okay, Barney?

184
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:50,980
It looks like you hurt your back.

185
00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:52,210
Oh, no.

186
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,880
Just rocking a party hunch.

187
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,280
I like it.

188
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:56,850
Closer to my booze.

189
00:07:56,850 --> 00:07:58,210
To youth.

190
00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:09,650
Can I get a straw?

191
00:08:09,650 --> 00:08:11,880
I must say, there's something admirable

192
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,950
about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart.

193
00:08:13,950 --> 00:08:15,710
I mean, who wants to get old?

194
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:17,110
This guy.

195
00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:20,680
Robin, life is a meal

196
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,410
and old age is the dessert.

197
00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:24,810
I spend so much of my time worrying about the future.

198
00:08:24,810 --> 00:08:26,080
You know, where's my career going?

199
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,450
Who am I gonna marry?

200
00:08:27,450 --> 00:08:29,480
But when you're old, you don't worry,

201
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,680
'cause that stuff's already happened.

202
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,010
Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes

203
00:08:33,010 --> 00:08:35,880
and a chair takes you up and down the stairs, it's perfect.

204
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,180
That's not perfect. That's pathetic.

205
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:39,980
You can't just jump to the end.

206
00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:41,650
The journey is the best part.

207
00:08:41,650 --> 00:08:43,050
Oh, Robin.

208
00:08:43,050 --> 00:08:44,650
I used to feel that way, too,

209
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:46,850
but you'll understand when you're a little bit older.

210
00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:49,550
Marshall, can you try

211
00:08:49,550 --> 00:08:51,850
not to pick on the kids today.

212
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:53,910
I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.

213
00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:56,150
I'm picking on the culture of losing around here.

214
00:08:56,150 --> 00:08:57,580
I-I got to get them in shape

215
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,010
if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.

216
00:08:59,010 --> 00:09:01,180
Win?

217
00:09:01,180 --> 00:09:02,650
We don't keep score.

218
00:09:02,650 --> 00:09:05,180
What?

219
00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:06,650
We don't keep score.

220
00:09:06,650 --> 00:09:09,550
You don't keep s...

221
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,080
What's the point of playing if you don't keep score?

222
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,450
How do you know...

223
00:09:13,450 --> 00:09:16,180
Lily, what were you doing with this team before I got here?

224
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,950
I was coaching them.

225
00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:21,080
That's it, my little angels.

226
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,450
You're all luminous wonderful beings of light.

227
00:09:24,450 --> 00:09:25,510
What's the score?

228
00:09:25,510 --> 00:09:27,580
It's all tied up at fun to fun!

229
00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:31,710
Because that's the point of playing-- to have fun.

230
00:09:31,710 --> 00:09:32,850
No.

231
00:09:32,850 --> 00:09:35,750
The point of playing is to win the trophy.

232
00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:38,910
And if you don't know who's winning, who gets the trophy?

233
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:40,580
Everyone.

234
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,880
It's a participation trophy; everyone gets one.

235
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,680
It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now.

236
00:09:48,780 --> 00:09:50,250
Hi, this is Barney.

237
00:09:50,250 --> 00:09:51,080
And Robin.

238
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,350
We can't answer the phone right now because...

239
00:09:52,350 --> 00:09:54,080
He's watching sports and I'm...

240
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,450
Probably out shopping.

241
00:09:56,580 --> 00:09:58,280
Leave a message and we'll call you back just as soon...

242
00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,410
As...We...

243
00:09:59,410 --> 00:10:01,150
- Can!  - Can!

244
00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:03,780
"Leave an annoying two-person message

245
00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:04,950
on your answering machine."

246
00:10:04,950 --> 00:10:06,150
Check.

247
00:10:07,150 --> 00:10:09,850
Probably gonna cost me some dates but it's okay.

248
00:10:09,850 --> 00:10:12,950
Barney, your ear's starting to smell.

249
00:10:12,950 --> 00:10:15,210
Nah, it's good.

250
00:10:15,210 --> 00:10:16,650
I hate to send it back,

251
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:19,580
but you did describe the turkey as extremely lean,

252
00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,780
and, well, you tell me.

253
00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,880
All right.

254
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:24,880
That's it.

255
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,310
-We have our own list.  -What?

256
00:10:26,310 --> 00:10:28,550
This is a list of things you're too young to do.

257
00:10:28,550 --> 00:10:30,310
Go out and do each one of these things

258
00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:32,650
and then tell me you still want to be an old man.

259
00:10:32,650 --> 00:10:34,980
Remove "colonoscopy"

260
00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:38,410
and "Have sex with an old lady," and this is a cakewalk.

261
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:41,510
New stakes, then.

262
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,780
If I can finish your list before you finish mine,

263
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,950
you have to come with me to TP laser tag

264
00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:48,350
and you have to buy the toilet paper.

265
00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:50,180
And none of that biodegradable crap.

266
00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:51,680
I want it up there forever.

267
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:53,850
Fine, but if I finish your list first,

268
00:10:53,850 --> 00:10:55,910
it's a six hour survey

269
00:10:55,910 --> 00:10:57,810
of early 20th century American architecture

270
00:10:57,810 --> 00:10:58,810
and you can never do anything

271
00:10:58,810 --> 00:11:00,150
on the Murtaugh List ever again.

272
00:11:00,150 --> 00:11:01,280
It's for your own good.

273
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,310
You, sir, have got yourself a deal.

274
00:11:03,310 --> 00:11:05,850
A gentleman's agreement!

275
00:11:05,850 --> 00:11:07,050
Huzzah!

276
00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:11,450
Marshall, they're in kindergarten.

277
00:11:11,450 --> 00:11:13,750
This isn't how you teach basketball.

278
00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:15,980
Sure it is. It's the way I learned.

279
00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:17,880
Are you kidding me?

280
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,850
What kind of sociopath taught you this way?

281
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,610
Come on, Dad. I'm tired.

282
00:11:25,610 --> 00:11:26,950
Sleep is for winners.

283
00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:29,250
You can go to bed when you score a basket.

284
00:11:29,250 --> 00:11:30,310
I'm trying.

285
00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,310
Oh, let's give you two points for trying.

286
00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:35,780
But negative two points for having a great big head.

287
00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:39,610
My father gave me no quarter

288
00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:42,350
and I asked for no quarter.

289
00:11:43,650 --> 00:11:45,910
I totally got to call that guy.

290
00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:49,510
Keep stretching!

291
00:11:52,810 --> 00:11:55,280
"Put on reading glasses." Check.

292
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,480
"Yell at neighborhood kids."

293
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,510
My pleasure.

294
00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:04,550
What the hell happened to you?

295
00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:06,610
Oh, I just had a very minor

296
00:12:06,610 --> 00:12:09,050
"blew out my knee and it hurts like hell" incident.

297
00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:10,480
How did you blow out your knee?

298
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,350
We, uh, "Helped someone move out of a sixth floor walk-up

299
00:12:13,350 --> 00:12:15,110
in exchange for pizza and beer."

300
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,610
Or we, uh, helped someone rob a sixth floor walk-up.

301
00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:20,750
They were in a big hurry and left all the pictures behind.

302
00:12:20,750 --> 00:12:22,850
Whatevs, it counts.

303
00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:24,880
Now, I am off to

304
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,750
"Dye my hair a funny color,"

305
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,380
and then we are going to, "Go to a rave."

306
00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:31,880
Ooh, 4:00!

307
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,050
Supper time.

308
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,310
Okay.

309
00:12:34,310 --> 00:12:36,150
So, your dad was tough on you.

310
00:12:36,150 --> 00:12:37,410
That stinks,

311
00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:38,950
but you don't have to be like him.

312
00:12:38,950 --> 00:12:41,080
You can learn from his mistakes.

313
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,910
Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.

314
00:12:43,910 --> 00:12:46,250
The guy nailed it, okay? He taught me how to be a winner.

315
00:12:46,250 --> 00:12:48,210
That's what I'm teaching these kids.

316
00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:49,580
And, for that matter,

317
00:12:49,580 --> 00:12:51,910
that's what I'm gonna teach our kids someday.

318
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:53,250
Okay, that's it.

319
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,710
This is not how we're gonna raise our kids!

320
00:12:55,710 --> 00:12:58,280
And this is not how you're gonna coach this team!

321
00:12:58,280 --> 00:12:59,280
At tomorrow's game,

322
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,450
if you are anything less

323
00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:04,950
than a teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows,

324
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:08,510
I will silent treatment your ass into the ground!

325
00:13:08,510 --> 00:13:11,050
You'll think the time I found your Internet search history

326
00:13:11,050 --> 00:13:13,210
was a freakin' picnic!

327
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:14,650
Are we clear?!

328
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:17,550
Lily, there are many different philo...

329
00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:18,810
Are we clear?!

330
00:13:18,810 --> 00:13:20,380
Yes, ma'am.

331
00:13:24,410 --> 00:13:25,580
You know, what's ironic is that now...

332
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:34,250
Just call Ted.

333
00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:35,880
I want to go home.

334
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,650
All right. I'm calling him.

335
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,050
But it's 4:30 in the morning.

336
00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:40,280
He's not going to be awake.

337
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,980
Up at 4:00...

338
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:43,350
Check.

339
00:13:43,350 --> 00:13:45,310
Is he answering?

340
00:13:45,310 --> 00:13:46,450
I haven't dialed yet.

341
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:49,410
Oh, please hurry, Robin.

342
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:51,350
Ooh, perfect.

343
00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:53,680
"Take forever to answer the phone."

344
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:58,950
Come on, Ted.

345
00:13:58,950 --> 00:14:00,210
Someone gave me some aspirin

346
00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:01,810
and I don't think it was aspirin.

347
00:14:08,050 --> 00:14:10,250
Check.

348
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:14,010
So, I know that I have been a little tough on you

349
00:14:14,010 --> 00:14:16,350
for the past couple days.

350
00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:18,980
And I apologize for that.

351
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:23,210
So today, we're not gonna worry about winning.

352
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:24,980
We're gonna go out there and...

353
00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,680
have fun.

354
00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:29,280
Kids, over the years,

355
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,980
your Uncle Marshall has told and retold

356
00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:32,980
the story of this game hundreds of times.

357
00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,110
And in reality,

358
00:14:34,110 --> 00:14:35,180
the kids on that other team

359
00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:37,150
were probably only a grade older

360
00:14:37,150 --> 00:14:39,080
But, in telling and retelling the story,

361
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,450
they came to look like this.

362
00:14:41,450 --> 00:14:43,650
Let's go, baby!

363
00:14:51,780 --> 00:14:54,950
Yay! Way to let them score that easily.

364
00:14:54,950 --> 00:14:57,250
Oh, now you're sitting down. Awesome.

365
00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:04,480
Addison, it's not soccer.

366
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,280
You don't kick the ball!

367
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:10,210
Unless that's something that you think is fun,

368
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:14,050
in which case, great job having fun.

369
00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:18,680
Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, Ref?

370
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,450
My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.

371
00:15:20,450 --> 00:15:21,610
And watch your tone.

372
00:15:21,610 --> 00:15:23,050
Oh, no tone, Kenny.

373
00:15:23,050 --> 00:15:24,150
Great job, Kenny.

374
00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:26,010
Thanks a lot, Kenny.

375
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:27,710
See you later, Kenny.

376
00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:28,910
All right, Barney.

377
00:15:28,910 --> 00:15:30,850
As your manager,

378
00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:33,650
This bet is over.Your ear looks like

379
00:15:33,650 --> 00:15:36,350
a free Danish

380
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:38,110
Ow! No.

381
00:15:38,110 --> 00:15:39,480
No. One thing left.

382
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,750
"Beer bong."

383
00:15:40,750 --> 00:15:43,480
Oh! Coming right up.

384
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:46,450
Oh, I, uh,

385
00:15:46,450 --> 00:15:49,310
found these weird Russian beers in the basement.

386
00:15:49,310 --> 00:15:52,150
Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.

387
00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:55,880
Hey. Brewski. Get it?

388
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,280
Yeah, it's, uh...

389
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,050
It's a little warm.

390
00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,280
Hope that's not a problem.

391
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,380
Uh... no.

392
00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:03,580
Uh, no.

393
00:16:03,580 --> 00:16:05,580
Okay.

394
00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:08,250
Ah! I... All right, Ted.

395
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:10,010
You win. I hate this.

396
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,950
I hate all of it.

397
00:16:11,950 --> 00:16:13,550
My back is killing me.

398
00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:15,980
Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.

399
00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:20,180
My ear hurts so bad I can hear it...

400
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:23,150
I can hear my own ear.Think about that.

401
00:16:24,010 --> 00:16:25,080
My clothes...

402
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,280
What is it... What is it...What am I...

403
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,910
Get this stuff off of me!

404
00:16:27,910 --> 00:16:30,480
Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.

405
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,510
Here's, uh, 30 bucks.

406
00:16:34,050 --> 00:16:35,880
And throw in the shoes.

407
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,750
You win, Ted.

408
00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:40,980
I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh List again.

409
00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:43,280
I'm too old for this stuff.

410
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,650
You know, Barney, last night,

411
00:16:46,650 --> 00:16:50,110
because it was on the list,and I couldn't sleep because...

412
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,850
well, it was 8:00.

413
00:16:51,850 --> 00:16:53,550
So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.

414
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,010
And then, when I still couldn't sleep,

415
00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:00,150
I watched Lethal Weapon 2.

416
00:17:00,150 --> 00:17:01,980
And then I watched 3.

417
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,180
And then, halfway through Lethal Weapon 4,

418
00:17:06,180 --> 00:17:07,710
is when it occurred to me...

419
00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:11,650
Murtaugh kept saying,"I'm too old for this stuff,"

420
00:17:11,650 --> 00:17:13,310
but every time he'd say it,

421
00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:15,210
he'd turn around, make another movie,

422
00:17:15,210 --> 00:17:17,280
and do more stuff.

423
00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:20,550
I guess what I'm saying is...

424
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,180
screw being old.

425
00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:26,850
Let's go TP laser tag, huh?

426
00:17:28,110 --> 00:17:30,210
And then the hospital.

427
00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:35,150
Great job, guys.

428
00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:36,750
At least we're not keeping score, right?

429
00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:37,980
No idea what the score is.

430
00:17:37,980 --> 00:17:39,550
53?0
Could be 53 to zero.

431
00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:40,880
Could be some other score.

432
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,810
It's 53 to zero.

433
00:17:42,810 --> 00:17:44,910
What are we doing wrong, Coach?

434
00:17:45,950 --> 00:17:47,480
You know what? You're not doing anything wrong.

435
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,210
It's great that you guys are losing,

436
00:17:50,210 --> 00:17:52,080
because in life,it doesn't matter

437
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,710
how much effort you put in,

438
00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:55,410
or how hard you try,

439
00:17:55,410 --> 00:17:57,750
people will just give you things.

440
00:17:57,750 --> 00:18:01,050
Like diplomas and jobs and promotions.

441
00:18:01,050 --> 00:18:03,080
So, it doesn't matter what you do out there,

442
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,580
as long as...as long as you have fun.

443
00:18:05,580 --> 00:18:07,050
At that point,

444
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,610
because they didn't want to fight in front of the kids,

445
00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:10,110
your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily

446
00:18:10,110 --> 00:18:11,750
had one of their telepathic conversations.

447
00:18:12,910 --> 00:18:14,210
Don't you give me that look.

448
00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:16,210
Lily, I can't take it anymore!

449
00:18:16,210 --> 00:18:17,750
Your way of coaching is crazy!

450
00:18:17,750 --> 00:18:19,350
Stop yelling at me!

451
00:18:19,350 --> 00:18:20,980
Sorry.

452
00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:24,110
But can I please do it my way?

453
00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:27,580
Fine, but I'm going to do it my way, too.

454
00:18:27,580 --> 00:18:29,050
I'm getting my guitar.

455
00:18:30,750 --> 00:18:32,980
I don't know if it was Marshall's tough attitude,

456
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:35,180
Lily's gentle encouragement,

457
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,980
or some magical combination of the two,

458
00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:38,810
but in the second half of that game,

459
00:18:38,810 --> 00:18:42,110
that ragtag group of little firecrackers...

460
00:18:42,110 --> 00:18:44,310
got beat down even worse.

461
00:18:46,550 --> 00:18:49,580
In fact, according to your Uncle Marshall,

462
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:52,110
in the second half,the other team got even taller

463
00:18:52,110 --> 00:18:54,980
And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.

464
00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:58,150
Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court!

465
00:18:58,150 --> 00:19:00,280
That can't be legal.

466
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,450
I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids,

467
00:19:02,450 --> 00:19:06,110
but try to make sure he feels included.

468
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:27,350
How is that not traveling, Kenny?!

469
00:19:27,350 --> 00:19:28,450
You are killing me!

470
00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:30,050
You are absolutely killing me!

471
00:19:30,050 --> 00:19:31,210
Hey, watch it, Coach,

472
00:19:31,210 --> 00:19:32,510
or you'll get a technical.

473
00:19:32,510 --> 00:19:34,210
Oh, Kenny.

474
00:19:34,210 --> 00:19:36,610
I am begging you to give me a technical.

475
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,210
When the final horn mercifully blew,

476
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:44,450
the score was, by Marshall's estimate, 118 to nothing.

477
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,980
And even though they didn't win anything,

478
00:19:45,980 --> 00:19:49,750
everyone, even the coach,got a participation trophy.

479
00:19:49,750 --> 00:19:52,080
I understand if you don't want it.

480
00:19:52,910 --> 00:19:54,910
I love it.

481
00:19:56,710 --> 00:19:58,180
I just... I worked so hard.

482
00:19:58,180 --> 00:19:59,980
It feels good to be appreciated for my effort.

483
00:19:59,980 --> 00:20:02,050
I know, baby.

484
00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,950
Maybe-maybe your way is not totally stupid.

485
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,950
Thanks.

486
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,430
Your way is totally stupid

487
00:20:20,170 --> 00:20:22,670
Stinson!

488
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,300
Son...

489
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:31,100
you have been a pain in my ass

490
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,540
But damn it...

491
00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:38,270
if this ain't some of the finest TP work I've ever seen.

492
00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:40,900
You're reinstated...

493
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,870
effective immediately.

494
00:20:42,870 --> 00:20:45,040
Really?!

495
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,840
Hell, no!

496
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,570
I'm calling the police!

497
00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:53,540
Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper.

498
00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:55,440
You've got to be kidding me,you're too old for this...

499
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,270
staff, he said staff