1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,133 Kids, as you know, Aunt Robin grew up in Canada. 2 00:00:04,133 --> 00:00:06,434 That meant sometimes she dressed a little differently. 3 00:00:06,434 --> 00:00:09,067 Okay, let's do this! 4 00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:12,367 Sometimes she talked a little differently. 5 00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:14,868 Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps. 6 00:00:14,868 --> 00:00:18,000 What, you leave the garburator on all night, eh? 7 00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:20,901 She hung out at different bars 8 00:00:20,901 --> 00:00:23,000 and enjoyed leisure time a little differently. 9 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,934 You want to go? You want to go?! Come on! 10 00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:29,167 Make fun of the Great White North all you want. 11 00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:30,934 It's the best country in the world. 12 00:00:31,467 --> 00:00:32,534 The... Mmmm. 13 00:00:32,534 --> 00:00:33,434 Social experiment. 14 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:40,033 U.S.A., U.S.A. 15 00:00:40,033 --> 00:00:42,534 Okay, okay. You know what, 16 00:00:42,534 --> 00:00:43,701 What does that even prove, okay? 17 00:00:43,701 --> 00:00:45,634 You chant anything, people will join in. 18 00:00:45,634 --> 00:00:49,601 Canada, Canada, 19 00:00:49,601 --> 00:00:51,901 Cana... Okay, they won't chant anything. 20 00:00:51,901 --> 00:00:54,400 Shrimp fried rice, 21 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:58,400 Shrimp fried rice, Shrimp fried rice, 22 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,300 Shrimp fried rice, Shrimp fried rice... 23 00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:02,868 Shrimp fried rice-- totally. 24 00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:05,601 Anyway, speaking of food, 25 00:01:05,601 --> 00:01:07,133 Marshall, I've got so bad news. 26 00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:09,067 Just read online, Gazzola's is closing. 27 00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:10,133 No! 28 00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:11,334 What's Gazzola's? 29 00:01:11,334 --> 00:01:14,901 A filthy mecca of spectacular if undercooked pizza 30 00:01:14,901 --> 00:01:17,801 located at 316 Kinzie Street, Chicago, Illinois. 31 00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,334 Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips 32 00:01:20,334 --> 00:01:21,868 from Connecticut all the way to Chicago 33 00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:22,934 Just for a Gazzola's pizza. 34 00:01:22,934 --> 00:01:24,033 22 hours. 35 00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:25,467 No map. 36 00:01:25,467 --> 00:01:27,133 We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. 37 00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:28,667 We were like Lewis and Clark, 38 00:01:28,667 --> 00:01:30,801 if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles 39 00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:32,801 and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe. 40 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:35,334 Man, those Gazzola trips, 41 00:01:35,334 --> 00:01:38,100 that's... that's when we really became bros. 42 00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:40,367 Mm. We ate nothing but jerky. 43 00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:41,300 Drank nothing but Tantrum. 44 00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,033 Ah, Tantrum. 45 00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:46,334 Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content 46 00:01:46,334 --> 00:01:48,601 legally available over the counter. 47 00:01:48,601 --> 00:01:49,734 It was eventually discontinued 48 00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:53,133 after an extensive study by the FDA. 49 00:01:55,968 --> 00:01:59,234 Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip. 50 00:01:59,234 --> 00:02:01,767 I was color-blind for two weeks after that. 51 00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,934 I think that's the reason that I pass out 52 00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:05,834 when I hear church bells. 53 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,033 It's probably a good thing they're closing Gazzola's. 54 00:02:08,033 --> 00:02:09,667 Those trips were brutal, right? 55 00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:12,734 The long hours in the car, the motion sickness, the smell. 56 00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:16,534 So what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow? I was thinking 9:00, 9:30. 57 00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:19,934 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 58 00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:31,367 I am ready to hit the road. 59 00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:32,567 I got baby wipes. 60 00:02:32,567 --> 00:02:34,133 I got a variety of jerky. 61 00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:35,801 I got six cans of Tantrum. 62 00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:37,200 Well, four. 63 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,534 One burned through the can, the other one I drank already. 64 00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:41,334 Tantrum! 65 00:02:41,334 --> 00:02:43,868 I am so psyched! Marshall and I 66 00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:46,033 haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. 67 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:49,067 Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "we." 68 00:02:49,067 --> 00:02:50,100 What do you mean? 69 00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,300 Think about it. 70 00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,801 Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing? 71 00:02:53,801 --> 00:02:55,601 We're doing great. 72 00:02:55,601 --> 00:02:57,467 Did you watch the Jets game? 73 00:02:57,467 --> 00:02:59,067 We most certainly did. 74 00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:01,701 How'd things go at the doctor? 75 00:03:01,701 --> 00:03:05,934 We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem. 76 00:03:07,334 --> 00:03:08,367 Hmm. 77 00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:09,567 You guys will not believe this. 78 00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:11,534 I've been talking to my lawyer all morning. 79 00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:12,501 You know that guy I have 80 00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:13,834 a slight disagreement 81 00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:16,100 with at the Hoser Hut? He's filing assault charges. 82 00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:17,234 Come on! 83 00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:18,801 I broke his nose with a chair. 84 00:03:18,801 --> 00:03:22,067 And now, apparently, I may end up getting deported. 85 00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,667 Oh, my God, that sucks! Yeah. 86 00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:25,400 I'm gonna go do push-ups in the kitchen. 87 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:26,901 Tantrum! 88 00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:30,334 Well, there's only one possible way to avoid getting deported. 89 00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:33,634 My lawyer said I could become an American citizen. 90 00:03:33,634 --> 00:03:35,734 Perfect. Problem solved. Welcome aboard. 91 00:03:35,734 --> 00:03:37,234 Well, it's not that simple. 92 00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:39,467 I'm a Canadian. I was born there. 93 00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:41,334 My family's there. It's who I am. 94 00:03:41,334 --> 00:03:44,067 I know, and it's provided us with a lot of laughs. 95 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,067 But, Robin, 96 00:03:45,067 --> 00:03:47,434 if you want to live here, work here 97 00:03:47,434 --> 00:03:50,534 and throw chairs at people here, you have to do this. 98 00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:53,067 Well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow. 99 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,133 A cit... I'll think about it. 100 00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,234 No, no, you have to do it. 101 00:03:56,234 --> 00:03:57,734 I'll help you study. 102 00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:59,267 We're gonna stay up all night long. 103 00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:01,601 I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. 104 00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:02,801 No, seriously. 105 00:04:02,801 --> 00:04:03,901 We're gonna do some cramming 106 00:04:03,901 --> 00:04:05,067 and then we're gonna study. 107 00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:07,467 No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on... 108 00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:08,734 Okay, Barney. Sorry. 109 00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,367 It's a rich area. It is. 110 00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:12,734 But you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. 111 00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:15,200 It's not like the Canadian citizenship test. 112 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,167 How do you know the Canadian test is easy? 113 00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,934 It's Canada. 114 00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,734 Do you want to be Canadian? 115 00:04:21,734 --> 00:04:23,834 Really? 116 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:25,567 Ted! Ted! 117 00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:26,868 Check it out! 118 00:04:26,868 --> 00:04:29,701 I got black coffee on the left, I got Tantrum on the right! 119 00:04:29,701 --> 00:04:32,133 Do you have a phone book?! Yes, I do! 120 00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:34,067 I don't know why they make phone books anymore. 121 00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,200 Everything's online, right? 122 00:04:36,601 --> 00:04:38,133 Tantrum! Tantrum! 123 00:04:39,033 --> 00:04:41,234 All right, let's hit the road. 124 00:04:41,234 --> 00:04:42,601 You invited Lily? 125 00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:44,033 We most certainly did! 126 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,734 I don't know if you caught that, but he did the "we" thing. 127 00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:50,767 Yeah, I heard him. Okay. 128 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:53,834 Road trip! 129 00:04:53,834 --> 00:04:55,667 So you guys want to talk about bitches? 130 00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:59,167 I'm kidding. They're called women. 131 00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:02,834 All right, next stop: Chicago. 132 00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:03,934 I have to pee. 133 00:05:03,934 --> 00:05:06,334 Couldn't you have gone before we left? 134 00:05:06,334 --> 00:05:07,834 I did. I just pee a lot. 135 00:05:07,834 --> 00:05:09,133 You'll see. 136 00:05:15,701 --> 00:05:17,767 Don't worry, we'll get out on the road, 137 00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:19,100 it'll be just like old times. 138 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,901 It wasn't. 139 00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:24,300 * I would walk 500 miles 140 00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:27,834 * And I would walk 500 more... 141 00:05:27,834 --> 00:05:30,267 Sugar snap pea? 142 00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:31,501 Pea... 143 00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:33,300 That reminds me, I have to pee. 144 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,834 Okay, straight, straight, straight. 145 00:05:36,834 --> 00:05:38,801 Now, wait, a little to the left. 146 00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:41,534 We'll pass a state trooper. 147 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,901 Ooh, punch buggy yellow! 148 00:05:43,901 --> 00:05:44,968 Ow! 149 00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:47,267 Yellow-- that reminds me, I have to pee. 150 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,167 Thank you! 151 00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:56,434 Great. 152 00:05:56,434 --> 00:05:57,434 Oh, hey, Ted... 153 00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:58,868 You can't have to go again. 154 00:05:58,868 --> 00:06:00,334 It's not humanly possible. 155 00:06:00,334 --> 00:06:03,234 No, I was just going to say maybe we should listen to something. 156 00:06:03,234 --> 00:06:06,033 Oh, that's a great idea. I think I have some Jerky Boys. 157 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,667 Good-bye, Sparky. 158 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:10,367 It's an audio book about a boy and his dog. 159 00:06:10,367 --> 00:06:12,367 It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. 160 00:06:12,367 --> 00:06:16,200 Good-bye Sparky, by Nick Leotti. 161 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,033 Read to you by Kenny Rogers. 162 00:06:18,033 --> 00:06:19,167 Oh! 163 00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:22,100 When I first saw Sparky, 164 00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:24,367 he reminded me of my favorite comb; 165 00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:27,634 he was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway. 166 00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:29,367 Mother was fit to be tied 167 00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:32,000 every time he used her prized rhododendron 168 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,434 to do his business. 169 00:06:34,868 --> 00:06:37,100 That reminds me, I have to pee. 170 00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,300 "How many stars are on the flag?" 171 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:40,868 50-- one for each state. 172 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,501 "What are the first ten amendments 173 00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:43,534 to the Constitution called?" 174 00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:44,834 The Bill of Rights. 175 00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:47,033 Look, Barney, I know all this. I'm ready. 176 00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:50,133 Ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an American? 177 00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:51,467 Not on your sweet life. 178 00:06:51,467 --> 00:06:53,267 For you to be an American, 179 00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:54,901 we got to get the Canadian out of you. 180 00:06:54,901 --> 00:06:57,968 That's why I've created these questions. 181 00:06:57,968 --> 00:07:01,100 "Who is this?" 182 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,167 Queen Elizabeth II. 183 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:04,567 No, the answer is Elton John. 184 00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:08,434 "What the hell is this?" 185 00:07:08,434 --> 00:07:09,534 Oh, curling. 186 00:07:09,534 --> 00:07:10,834 Um, it's a sport played... 187 00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:12,901 Wrong. The answer we were looking for 188 00:07:12,901 --> 00:07:14,567 was "I don't care, it's dumb." 189 00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,400 Let's go buy something that's bad for us 190 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,234 and then sue the people who made it. 191 00:07:18,234 --> 00:07:19,467 That's America, Robin. 192 00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,868 ...because Sparky loved chasing a ball, 193 00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:25,067 and it didn't much matter what kind. 194 00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:28,267 Tennis ball, baseball, Wiffle ball, 195 00:07:28,267 --> 00:07:30,267 golf ball, basketball, 196 00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:32,334 beach ball, gum ball, 197 00:07:32,334 --> 00:07:34,234 a grapefruit-- which isn't actually a ball, 198 00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:35,667 but 's round like a ball-- 199 00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:37,234 a football-- which isn't round, 200 00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:39,634 but it's still technically a ball-- 201 00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:40,868 Indian rubber ball... 202 00:07:40,868 --> 00:07:43,901 This ends disk seven. 203 00:07:43,901 --> 00:07:47,300 The audio book continues on disk eight. 204 00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:51,567 Disk eight. 205 00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:53,300 Lacrosse ball, volleyball... 206 00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:56,067 Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee! 207 00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:58,100 Ah, I do. 208 00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,834 It was the worst trip ever, 209 00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:01,234 but then it got worse. 210 00:08:01,234 --> 00:08:03,167 Well, don't worry, the next exit's the hotel. 211 00:08:03,167 --> 00:08:04,334 We can go there. 212 00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:05,801 Hotel? 213 00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:07,968 Crumpet Manor is listed 214 00:08:07,968 --> 00:08:10,434 in the American Registry of Historic Bed-and-Breakfasts. 215 00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:14,901 Our door is opened on Christmas day, 1881. 216 00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:17,834 And we have catered to couples ever since. 217 00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:21,801 Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right? 218 00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,367 Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation. 219 00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,234 Do you enjoy sitting on a bench? 220 00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,601 And by the end of the night, Barney had turned Robin into a real American. 221 00:08:32,601 --> 00:08:34,801 I want to say-- Jefferson? 222 00:08:34,801 --> 00:08:36,000 Correct. Oh! 223 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,567 Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson. 224 00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:41,601 Oh, boo-ya! I am nailing this. 225 00:08:41,601 --> 00:08:42,767 God, I'm buzzing 226 00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:44,901 On America right now! All right, hold your horses. 227 00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:47,467 Now to prove that you are as American as apple pie 228 00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:50,300 and the childhood obesity it leads to-- 229 00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:53,200 who is this? 230 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,567 That, Barney, 231 00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:59,501 is the American actor, beloved by millions, 232 00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:03,167 the "Hey, Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films. 233 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,601 And his name... 234 00:09:05,601 --> 00:09:08,567 Jeff Foxworthy. 235 00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:10,467 Jeff Foxworthy? 236 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,133 No, it's Jim Varney. 237 00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:13,767 You're kidding me. You don't know that? 238 00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:16,100 Uh, that's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. 239 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:18,434 End of story. Now shut your stupid face. 240 00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:21,234 Not only are you wrong, 241 00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:23,901 but you are belligerently sticking to your guns 242 00:09:23,901 --> 00:09:25,868 and insulting me in the process. 243 00:09:26,534 --> 00:09:29,367 Robin Scherbatsky-- 244 00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:31,834 you are an American. 245 00:09:33,234 --> 00:09:36,467 Look who's back from the wishing well. 246 00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:39,200 It didn't work, I'm still here. 247 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,501 Marshall, what are we doing? 248 00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:42,801 We should be on the road. 249 00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:45,367 Ok, Ted, we're not in college anymore, okay? 250 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:46,901 We don't have to drive all night. 251 00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:50,167 Besides, they have a spa. 252 00:09:50,167 --> 00:09:52,968 All our spa treatments are designed for couples. 253 00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:54,000 Would you be interested 254 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,534 in the two-person, cornmeal body scrub? 255 00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:00,667 And then finally it happened. 256 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,868 Marshall and Lily globbed into one big married glob. 257 00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:07,934 We'd love a cornmeal body scrub! 258 00:10:07,934 --> 00:10:09,400 Whoa. 259 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:13,534 I got to dial back on the Tantrum. 260 00:10:13,534 --> 00:10:17,534 Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be an American, y'all. 261 00:10:18,834 --> 00:10:20,634 Maybe I'll rob a liquor store. Maybe I won't. 262 00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:21,834 My choice. 263 00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:25,534 Learn English! 264 00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,501 The Hoser Hut. 265 00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:31,267 I could duck in for a drink. 266 00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:32,734 No, no, that life's behind me. 267 00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:34,501 Forget it. 268 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:37,033 Well, I could in for just one beer. 269 00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:38,300 What's the harm in that? 270 00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,634 It's a free country. 271 00:10:39,634 --> 00:10:43,000 * O Canada 272 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:47,300 * Our home and native land... 273 00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:48,834 Oh, God, I miss it. 274 00:10:48,834 --> 00:10:51,968 * True patriots love... 275 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,667 Hey, man. 276 00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:00,200 Shh. 277 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,334 Sorry about what I said before. 278 00:11:01,334 --> 00:11:03,601 You want to go to the store and get some beer? 279 00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,234 Lily is asleep. 280 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,767 I suppose I could reschedule my pedicure. 281 00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:12,467 What the hell? But only light beer 282 00:11:12,467 --> 00:11:14,000 because we have a couple hike in the morning. 283 00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:20,467 Dude, why are we pulling to the highway? 284 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,667 Ted, where exactly are we going to get this beer? 285 00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:28,133 Chicago. 286 00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:33,000 What are you doing? We can't just leave Lily. 287 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,334 When she wakes up, she's going to freak! 288 00:11:34,334 --> 00:11:36,234 She'll have a back rub and a crumpet. 289 00:11:36,234 --> 00:11:39,267 She'll be fine. Relax. Have some fun. 290 00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,367 I just abandoned my wife. 291 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,434 How am I supposed to have fun? 292 00:11:43,434 --> 00:11:46,834 * And I would walk 500 miles 293 00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:50,667 * And I would walk 500 more... 294 00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:51,667 Hey, you really think Lily's pissed? 295 00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:53,334 If she's pissed, she's pissed. 296 00:11:53,334 --> 00:11:54,801 Pfft. 297 00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,200 When Barney finally 298 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,200 tracked down your Aunt Robin, 299 00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,501 it wasn't a pretty sight. 300 00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,267 Good morning. 301 00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:04,667 Barney? 302 00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:08,267 Oh, my God. What happened last night? 303 00:12:08,267 --> 00:12:11,133 You went Canadian. 304 00:12:11,133 --> 00:12:13,267 How Canadian? 305 00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,267 This Canadian. 306 00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:21,000 Oh. That was supposed to be a dramatic view 307 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,167 of the Toronto sky-- you're in Toronto. 308 00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,534 Oh, God. 309 00:12:26,534 --> 00:12:29,467 Okay. It's coming back to me. 310 00:12:29,467 --> 00:12:32,267 I, uh, I went into the Hoser Hut.. 311 00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:36,400 And I met this women's curling team 312 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,067 We started drinking. 313 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,000 And the next thing I know, they're inviting me 314 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,467 to a Bryan Adams/Rich tittle double bill in Toronto. 315 00:12:43,467 --> 00:12:45,868 How did you find me, anyway? 316 00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:48,167 You called me, said you were never coming back. 317 00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,167 So, I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic... 318 00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:53,200 Canada isn't across the Atlantic. 319 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,501 You're talking nonsense. 320 00:12:54,501 --> 00:12:56,033 Now, listen... 321 00:12:56,033 --> 00:12:58,300 You slipped up. It's fine. 322 00:12:58,300 --> 00:12:59,634 The test is in a few hours. 323 00:12:59,634 --> 00:13:02,000 Barney, I'm not taking the test. 324 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,501 God, you're still drunk. 325 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,834 Look, I-I appreciate your help, but... 326 00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:09,734 who am I kidding? I'm Canadian. 327 00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:11,200 I always will be. 328 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,868 Now, that's ridiculous. 329 00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:17,033 We're gonna get some coffee In you, we'll sober you up, 330 00:13:17,033 --> 00:13:19,200 and get you back to New York for that test. 331 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,167 But, before any of that, 332 00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,467 we're gonna do it on this bed 333 00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:25,033 'cause... hotel room. 334 00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:28,200 Okay, let's get some coffee. 335 00:13:32,334 --> 00:13:34,033 Kind of gross. You're making me wonder 336 00:13:34,033 --> 00:13:36,467 if this pizza is worth the 22-hour drive. 337 00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,400 Just like old times! 338 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,801 I feel so young again except for the chest pains. 339 00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:42,901 But the crust is so good. 340 00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:44,567 What is the secret to this crust? 341 00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:46,033 It's no big secret. 342 00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,334 It's made of cornmeal. 343 00:13:47,334 --> 00:13:49,601 Cornmeal... 344 00:13:49,601 --> 00:13:54,300 We'd love a cornmeal body scrub! 345 00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,400 I can't believe you guys are closing. 346 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,634 I can't believe we're still open. 347 00:13:58,634 --> 00:14:01,100 Gotcha! 348 00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:03,334 These are getting bigger. 349 00:14:05,601 --> 00:14:07,767 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 350 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,267 Yeah, give me two coffees. 351 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,901 $3.50, please. 352 00:14:11,901 --> 00:14:13,834 Hey, what did you think of the game last night? 353 00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:14,901 What game? 354 00:14:14,901 --> 00:14:16,467 The Leafs beat Edmonton. 355 00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:18,968 Beauchemin went five hole in OT. 356 00:14:18,968 --> 00:14:20,501 Oh, I guess I missed it. 357 00:14:20,501 --> 00:14:22,100 Oh, sorry. You're American. 358 00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,701 Here's your change. 359 00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:24,767 I'm not American. 360 00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:25,968 American money? 361 00:14:25,968 --> 00:14:27,200 Didn't watch the Leafs game? 362 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,300 No "please" or "thank you" for the coffee? 363 00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:31,367 You sure don't seem like a Canadian. 364 00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:36,667 What's wrong? Other than the fact 365 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:39,567 that this five-dollar bill they gave you is blue. 366 00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:41,801 Wow. I'm not American, 367 00:14:41,801 --> 00:14:43,834 and apparently, I'm not Canadian either. 368 00:14:43,834 --> 00:14:47,367 And there's kids playing hokey on the back. 369 00:14:47,367 --> 00:14:52,200 It's like you want us to make fun of you. 370 00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,601 I don't want this anymore. 371 00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:58,133 Dude, don't look at it. That's a rookie mistake. 372 00:14:58,133 --> 00:14:59,501 We shouldn't have left Lily. 373 00:14:59,501 --> 00:15:00,501 Well, if you're so worried, 374 00:15:00,501 --> 00:15:01,634 why don't you give her a call? 375 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:03,467 I have. I left her, like, 20 messages. 376 00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:05,901 I said, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. 377 00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:07,000 It's all Ted's fault!" 378 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,467 What exactly is "Ted's fault"? 379 00:15:09,467 --> 00:15:10,734 This! This whole thing! 380 00:15:10,734 --> 00:15:12,000 We were having a perfectly nice trip, 381 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,167 and then you kidnapped me. 382 00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:14,567 You didn't even let me put on underwear! 383 00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:16,767 We never used to put on underwear! 384 00:15:19,801 --> 00:15:21,634 That was the fun of a bro's trip to Gazzola's! 385 00:15:21,634 --> 00:15:24,234 We left everything, and everyone behind. 386 00:15:24,234 --> 00:15:25,534 It was just you and me! 387 00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:28,734 But now it's like you've disappeared into Lily. 388 00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:29,734 That is not true. 389 00:15:29,734 --> 00:15:31,267 It is true. You're not upset 390 00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:32,734 because you're worried she's mad. You're upset because 391 00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:34,267 you'd rather be with her, eating muffins 392 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,567 than here with me, eating this delicious... 393 00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:38,901 I think one of my mushrooms just crawled away. 394 00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:41,334 Well, you know what? 395 00:15:41,334 --> 00:15:44,234 That mushroom's not the only thing that's leaving. 396 00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:48,100 Car keys, please. 397 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,767 Look at this money! 398 00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:06,501 This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, 399 00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:08,601 and they all have Elton John on the back. 400 00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:11,601 When I moved to the States, 401 00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:13,667 I swore to myself, I wasn't going to change. 402 00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:17,667 And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe-- 403 00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:20,634 Tim Horton's-- around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame, 404 00:16:20,634 --> 00:16:23,167 and I don't belong. 405 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,367 It's like I don't have a country. 406 00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,934 Okay, that's it. 407 00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:31,634 Attention, Canada! 408 00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:34,434 I am Barney from America. 409 00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:37,100 And I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. 410 00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:39,634 get real money. 411 00:16:39,634 --> 00:16:42,934 Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a "jhoke." 412 00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:46,701 Number two-- and this is the biggie-- 413 00:16:46,701 --> 00:16:50,067 Quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away 414 00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:51,434 because, guess what? 415 00:16:51,434 --> 00:16:53,968 You don't want her? I'm planting my flag in her-- 416 00:16:53,968 --> 00:16:56,267 if you know what I mean, which you probably don't-- 417 00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:58,367 and getting her the hell out of here. 418 00:16:59,334 --> 00:17:01,334 You may now return to being pointless. 419 00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:10,334 Ah, this coffee is excellent. 420 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,968 Oh. Hey, fellas. 421 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,501 It's called a "tie." 422 00:17:28,434 --> 00:17:32,667 Sparky was my best friend, but after I married Helen, 423 00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:36,934 old Spark started to feel a little left out. 424 00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:39,601 For so long, it had been just me and him, 425 00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:43,200 but now he suddenly felt like Helen had taken his place. 426 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:47,467 What Sparky didn't realize was, even though I loved Helen, 427 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,334 I still loved him, too. 428 00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:52,067 I had room in my heart for both of them. 429 00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:54,000 But maybe I should have put aside 430 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,801 some special ball-tossing time just for the two of us 431 00:17:56,801 --> 00:18:00,701 to make sure Sparky knew that he was a good boy. 432 00:18:00,701 --> 00:18:02,634 I wish now I had, 433 00:18:02,634 --> 00:18:05,334 'cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac 434 00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:07,567 and got splattered like a watermelon 435 00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:09,567 in one of them Gallagher shows. 436 00:18:09,567 --> 00:18:11,300 I'm sorry, Ted! I'm sorry! 437 00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:12,367 No, I'm sorry. 438 00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:13,501 I never should have been mad at you! 439 00:18:13,501 --> 00:18:14,701 No, I never should have brought Lily. 440 00:18:14,701 --> 00:18:17,467 She pees all the time, even at the apartment. 441 00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:19,901 Still bros? 442 00:18:19,901 --> 00:18:21,834 Best bros. 443 00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:26,167 Hey, you want to crank some Van Halen just like old times? 444 00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,100 Hells, yeah! 445 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:29,400 Or listen to the Sparky book again? 446 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,801 Listen to the Sparky book again. 447 00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:31,934 Okay. Let's listen to it again. 448 00:18:31,934 --> 00:18:36,067 Man, those Canadian doctors banded me up, 449 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:39,801 reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket, 450 00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:42,267 and they didn't even bill me. Idiots. 451 00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,067 All right, I guess they're not idiots. 452 00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:47,767 The coffee was extraordinary. 453 00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:49,834 Huh. 454 00:18:49,834 --> 00:18:52,334 I guess Canada's not so bad. 455 00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:54,400 They play their cards right, 456 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,467 maybe they can even become a state someday. 457 00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:59,601 Barney, I've thought about this. 458 00:18:59,601 --> 00:19:01,667 When you stood up and told off those people, 459 00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:05,434 I thought, "Yeah, America's cool." Hmm. 460 00:19:05,434 --> 00:19:08,033 And then when those guys pounded the stuffing out of you, 461 00:19:08,033 --> 00:19:13,501 I thought, "Yeah, Canada's pretty cool, too." 462 00:19:13,501 --> 00:19:16,100 I-I may have taken a few pokes myself. 463 00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:19,567 So, I've decided, dual citizenship. 464 00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,701 I'm going to be American and Canadian. 465 00:19:21,701 --> 00:19:23,601 Wait, you can do that? 466 00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:24,868 Yeah, dummy. 467 00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:26,701 Instead of being a woman with no country, 468 00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:28,868 I'm going to be a woman with two. 469 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,701 I see. 470 00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:32,067 You understand? 471 00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:35,467 No, I can see out of my left eye again. 472 00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:45,033 Hey, baby? 473 00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:46,400 Baby? 474 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,734 Hmm? Yeah? 475 00:19:47,734 --> 00:19:49,801 I'm so sorry that we left you. 476 00:19:51,934 --> 00:19:54,133 Did you go somewhere, sweetie? 477 00:19:56,734 --> 00:19:59,567 Yes, kids, it turns out Crumpet Manor 478 00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:02,968 had pampered Lily into a nearly comatose state of relaxation. 479 00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:05,234 She didn't even notice we were gone. 480 00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:10,367 Mmm.... 481 00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:14,634 ... 482 00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:15,701 Oh, oh, oh... 483 00:20:15,701 --> 00:20:18,200 Yeah... 484 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,434 So, I had a great time, too. 485 00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:21,601 That's good. 486 00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:23,868 And I'm so sorry you didn't get any pizza. 487 00:20:23,868 --> 00:20:25,200 Oh, that's okay. 488 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,567 And if she didn't mean it then, 489 00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:29,100 she certainly meant it 19 minutes later. 490 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,267 God, my stomach! 491 00:20:30,267 --> 00:20:33,467 Damn you, Gozzola's! 492 00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:36,400 It's like a hot ball of lead! 493 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,200 Baby, cut it out of me. 494 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,367 That was a wild trip, huh, Ted? 495 00:20:44,367 --> 00:20:45,667 I know. It was kind of crazy. 496 00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,934 But how great is it to drink some Tantrum again? 497 00:20:47,934 --> 00:20:49,634 You know who had fun, was Lily. 498 00:20:49,634 --> 00:20:51,834 Lily drank like, four cans of the stuff. 499 00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:52,901 Right, Lil? 500 00:20:52,901 --> 00:20:55,367 Where's Lily? 501 00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:56,601 Tantrum! 502 00:20:56,601 --> 00:20:58,801 I have to pee. 503 00:20:58,802 --> 00:21:01,802 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com