1 00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:05,767 NARRATOR: Kids, the secret to dating is very simple: 2 00:00:05,767 --> 00:00:07,334 Be confident, be comfortable in your skin, 3 00:00:08,334 --> 00:00:10,067 be assured of who you are. 4 00:00:10,067 --> 00:00:12,400 Uncle Barney was really good at that last one, 5 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:16,567 even though a lot of the time who he was was someone else. 6 00:00:18,667 --> 00:00:21,601 Hi. Do you see that guy over there in the scuba suit? 7 00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:25,067 You thinking of going and talking to him? 8 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,167 No. 9 00:00:26,167 --> 00:00:28,367 Good. He's seriously the biggest jerk 10 00:00:28,367 --> 00:00:30,133 on the face of the Earth. 11 00:00:30,133 --> 00:00:32,434 How do you know him? Oh, he's one of my best friends. 12 00:00:32,434 --> 00:00:34,434 So what's with the scuba suit? 13 00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:36,234 Well, it's a long story. 14 00:00:36,234 --> 00:00:38,334 See, he just went through a breakup... 15 00:00:39,034 --> 00:00:40,733 NARRATOR: There's two basic philosophies 16 00:00:40,733 --> 00:00:42,733 of how to handle yourself after a breakup. 17 00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:44,668 Some people throw themselves into... 18 00:00:44,668 --> 00:00:47,267 My career. That's my number one focus right now. 19 00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:48,767 From now on, no more dating. 20 00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:50,434 It's all about work. 21 00:00:50,434 --> 00:00:52,434 NARRATOR: While others throw themselves into... 22 00:00:52,434 --> 00:00:54,434 Every woman in New York City. 23 00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:58,000 That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. 24 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,501 Mothers, lock up your daughters. 25 00:00:59,501 --> 00:01:01,967 Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCAs. 26 00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:03,900 MILSWANCAs? Wait, I can get this. 27 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:07,067 Mothers I'd Like To Sleep With And Never Call Again. 28 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,000 Correct! Cile gets the square. 29 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,700 Don't you think you're kinda rushg back into this? 30 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:14,668 Lily, since I started dating Robin, there's a certain 31 00:01:14,668 --> 00:01:17,700 thing I haven't used as much as I would like to. 32 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:20,000 It's... kinda big, 33 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,668 surprisingly heavy, 34 00:01:21,668 --> 00:01:24,700 kind of leathery, and it's black. 35 00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:25,467 Huh? 36 00:01:25,467 --> 00:01:29,434 This, my friends... 37 00:01:29,434 --> 00:01:31,267 is The Playbook. 38 00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:36,134 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 39 00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:43,134 Corrected by cRaZyMaGgOt and Alex28 www.addic7ed.com 40 00:01:46,134 --> 00:01:47,634 The Playbook contains 41 00:01:47,634 --> 00:01:50,100 every scam, con, hustle, 42 00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,401 hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, 43 00:01:52,401 --> 00:01:53,967 stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used-- 44 00:01:53,967 --> 00:01:56,833 or ever hope to use-- to pick up chicks 45 00:01:56,833 --> 00:02:00,201 and give them the business. 46 00:02:00,201 --> 00:02:01,700 Wow, you wrote another book? 47 00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:06,000 Uh... we got a... Stephen King over here. 48 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,301 It's all in here. 49 00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:12,700 Everything from basic moves like "The Don't Drink That." 50 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:15,800 Whoa, don't drink that. 51 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,634 I saw some guy slip something in there. 52 00:02:17,634 --> 00:02:19,000 What? Who? 53 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,467 Uh... 54 00:02:20,467 --> 00:02:22,334 that guy. 55 00:02:23,967 --> 00:02:24,700 (Ted grunts) 56 00:02:24,700 --> 00:02:26,301 Thank you. 57 00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:32,734 To more advanced maneuvers like "The Mrs. Stinsfire." 58 00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:36,901 Now Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing 59 00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:39,000 for lewd behavior last semester, 60 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,534 we have been aigned a new housemom. 61 00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:44,033 I'd like you to meet Mrs. Stinsfire. 62 00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,901 Hello, girls! 63 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,467 Wow. I can't picture 64 00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:54,801 a way that wouldn't work. 65 00:02:55,451 --> 00:02:57,917 What's "The Loreo Von Matterhorn"? 66 00:02:57,917 --> 00:02:59,217 I'm glad you asked. 67 00:02:59,217 --> 00:03:01,084 "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be 68 00:03:01,084 --> 00:03:03,251 my grand return to the stage. 69 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:05,251 Or you know, the bed. 70 00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:07,351 Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage. 71 00:03:07,351 --> 00:03:09,117 I put a platform underneath, and got some lights going. 72 00:03:09,117 --> 00:03:11,551 It's a real production. Barney exits! 73 00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:13,984 So, how about you, Robin? 74 00:03:13,984 --> 00:03:15,150 You getting back out there? 75 00:03:15,150 --> 00:03:16,484 Where is your playbook? 76 00:03:16,484 --> 00:03:17,651 My playbook? Yeah. 77 00:03:17,651 --> 00:03:20,451 Bro, uh, two-volume set, right here. 78 00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:21,984 It's a great read actually. 79 00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:23,750 Yeah, I'm reading it right now. 80 00:03:23,750 --> 00:03:26,384 Anyway, I told you already, I'm taking a break from all that. 81 00:03:26,384 --> 00:03:29,117 Mm, mm. Marshall, it's totally gonna happen. 82 00:03:29,117 --> 00:03:30,883 So gonna happen. What's gonna happen? 83 00:03:30,883 --> 00:03:33,017 You're gonna fall in love. So soon. 84 00:03:33,017 --> 00:03:35,417 (laughs) Not likely I'm focusing on my career. 85 00:03:35,417 --> 00:03:36,517 I'm done with dating. 86 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:37,651 Oh, okay, we playing The Pyramid? 87 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,783 Okay, uh, "Things people say 88 00:03:39,783 --> 00:03:41,750 right before they meet the love of their life." 89 00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:42,984 Ooh! Kelly Harris, 90 00:03:42,984 --> 00:03:45,451 girl I went to law school with said... 91 00:03:45,451 --> 00:03:47,017 (Marshall's voice): Hey, law school'so hard, 92 00:03:47,017 --> 00:03:48,984 I just want to focus on my studies. 93 00:03:48,984 --> 00:03:49,783 Six months later? 94 00:03:49,783 --> 00:03:51,718 Married! 95 00:03:51,718 --> 00:03:52,817 We, that's all well and good... 96 00:03:52,817 --> 00:03:55,184 Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender tells me... 97 00:03:55,184 --> 00:03:56,917 (Ted's voice): Oh, I'm so over the whole dating game. 98 00:03:56,917 --> 00:03:59,950 I just want to focus on my Star Trek fan fiction. 99 00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:00,783 Six months later... 100 00:04:00,783 --> 00:04:03,017 Married! 101 00:04:03,017 --> 00:04:04,718 May I respond? Mm-hmm 102 00:04:04,718 --> 00:04:06,351 Well, that's all well and good for them... 103 00:04:06,351 --> 00:04:09,917 Matthew Blitz, accountant at my office says... 104 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,618 (Marshall's voice): Oh, I'm gonna die single and alone. 105 00:04:12,618 --> 00:04:14,684 I might as well just focus on this year's taxes. 106 00:04:14,684 --> 00:04:15,850 Six months later? 107 00:04:21,084 --> 00:04:23,150 Protest all you want, but it's gonna happen. 108 00:04:23,150 --> 00:04:24,351 It's a law of nature. 109 00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,050 Lawyered. Of nature. 110 00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:28,284 Believe me, I'd love to have no interest in a relationship. 111 00:04:28,284 --> 00:04:29,917 There's no way I'd be single right now 112 00:04:29,917 --> 00:04:31,584 if I wanted to be single. 113 00:04:31,584 --> 00:04:33,950 Okay, now you're ready. Ready for what? 114 00:04:33,950 --> 00:04:35,718 Three years ago, this girl Shelly 115 00:04:35,718 --> 00:04:37,117 started teaching at my school. 116 00:04:37,117 --> 00:04:38,684 The moment I saw her, I was like, 117 00:04:38,684 --> 00:04:40,618 "This is the girl for Ted." 118 00:04:40,618 --> 00:04:42,017 Why am I just hearing about her now? 119 00:04:42,017 --> 00:04:43,017 Ah... 120 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:44,718 You know, I usually hate being set up 121 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,917 but this Ted just sounds so great. 122 00:04:46,917 --> 00:04:48,217 Oh, he is. 123 00:04:48,217 --> 00:04:50,417 He's so sweet and thoughtful and intelligent. 124 00:04:50,417 --> 00:04:51,750 MARSHALL: Come on buddy! 125 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:54,384 One more chicken finger and the crown is yours! 126 00:04:55,484 --> 00:04:57,584 Hmm, I don't see him anywhere. 127 00:04:57,584 --> 00:04:59,718 He must be out doing charity work. 128 00:04:59,718 --> 00:05:02,551 So, different bar? 129 00:05:02,551 --> 00:05:05,284 (muffled): That girl with Lily's pretty cute! 130 00:05:06,317 --> 00:05:07,950 Oh, yeah she was cute. 131 00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:11,217 Yeah, still is. And now you're ready. 132 00:05:11,217 --> 00:05:12,684 Yeah, bro, now you can fit like, 133 00:05:12,684 --> 00:05:14,517 three times as many chicken fingers in your mouth. 134 00:05:14,517 --> 00:05:16,351 You know it. Okay, I will set it up, 135 00:05:16,351 --> 00:05:19,184 but promise me you won't do anything stupid. 136 00:05:19,184 --> 00:05:21,718 I promise I won't do anything stupid. 137 00:05:21,718 --> 00:05:23,750 And I kept that promise. 138 00:05:23,750 --> 00:05:25,417 But only because... 139 00:05:25,417 --> 00:05:28,284 she never showed up. 140 00:05:30,750 --> 00:05:33,917 I know. I'm sorry, I feel terrible. You should feel teible! 141 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,950 I do feel terrible! I do! You should! 142 00:05:35,950 --> 00:05:38,351 You should! You should! I do, I do! 143 00:05:38,351 --> 00:05:39,984 I don't. 144 00:05:40,284 --> 00:05:41,250 Look, I was really 145 00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:42,384 looking forward to meeting Ted, 146 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,450 but I got to the bar an hour early 147 00:05:44,450 --> 00:05:47,083 and I met this amazing guy. 148 00:05:47,083 --> 00:05:48,551 Like, seriously amazing. 149 00:05:48,551 --> 00:05:50,751 And you met him at MacLaren's? 150 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:53,484 Yeah, right at the bar. What's his name? 151 00:05:53,484 --> 00:05:56,217 I shouldn't say. 152 00:05:56,217 --> 00:05:58,018 Oh, what the heck. 153 00:05:58,018 --> 00:06:00,851 It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn! 154 00:06:02,552 --> 00:06:04,352 You son of a bitch. 155 00:06:10,317 --> 00:06:11,817 So, he hooked up with Shelly? 156 00:06:11,817 --> 00:06:13,217 You must've been pissed. 157 00:06:13,217 --> 00:06:14,651 Damn straight. 158 00:06:14,651 --> 00:06:18,551 Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted for three years. 159 00:06:18,551 --> 00:06:20,417 Dude, Ted was not missing out. 160 00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:22,317 She's brainy and annoying, 161 00:06:22,317 --> 00:06:24,618 kind of boring in the sack. 162 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,484 Oh, I guess she would've been perfect for Ted. 163 00:06:26,484 --> 00:06:27,551 Oops. 164 00:06:27,551 --> 00:06:29,718 Ow! Ok. 165 00:06:29,718 --> 00:06:31,850 Had I known that she was there to meet Ted, 166 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,817 of course I wouldn't have done it, but... 167 00:06:33,817 --> 00:06:36,817 given the circumstances, I think Ted'll be proud of me. 168 00:06:36,817 --> 00:06:41,184 I pulled off "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn." 169 00:06:41,184 --> 00:06:43,618 Okay, what's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? 170 00:06:43,618 --> 00:06:45,284 My question exactly. 171 00:06:45,284 --> 00:06:47,817 Okay, what's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn? 172 00:06:47,817 --> 00:06:50,883 Glad you asked. 173 00:06:50,883 --> 00:06:53,217 BARNEY: To perform the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, 174 00:06:53,217 --> 00:06:54,451 here's what you'll need: 175 00:06:54,451 --> 00:06:56,117 Basic knowledge of Web site design 176 00:06:56,117 --> 00:06:58,217 and a very unique fake name. 177 00:06:58,217 --> 00:07:02,150 So, think of your fake name right now. 178 00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:04,684 Have you got it? Good. 179 00:07:04,684 --> 00:07:05,984 Now, select your target. 180 00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:08,584 Preferably a girl with a real ni... 181 00:07:08,584 --> 00:07:10,718 phone. 182 00:07:13,017 --> 00:07:14,284 (sighing) 183 00:07:15,484 --> 00:07:18,050 Yeah, it's me. 184 00:07:18,050 --> 00:07:22,817 Do I know you? 185 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,984 I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 186 00:07:26,284 --> 00:07:28,517 Are you, like, famous or something? 187 00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:32,451 Yes. (laughs) 188 00:07:35,551 --> 00:07:37,718 What a refreshing change of pace. 189 00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:38,783 Nice to meet you... 190 00:07:38,783 --> 00:07:40,684 Shelly. Shelly. 191 00:07:40,684 --> 00:07:43,584 Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 192 00:07:43,584 --> 00:07:46,451 Spelled like it sounds two "T"s. 193 00:07:46,451 --> 00:07:48,984 Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 194 00:07:48,984 --> 00:07:51,451 Ciao. 195 00:07:51,451 --> 00:07:52,984 BARNEY: Then, as soon as you're gone, 196 00:07:52,984 --> 00:07:54,750 she gets out her phone 197 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:58,451 and does an Internet search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 198 00:07:58,451 --> 00:08:00,718 And that's when she discovers. 199 00:08:00,718 --> 00:08:02,684 a series of fake Web sites, 200 00:08:02,684 --> 00:08:04,684 all devoted to the incredible life 201 00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:07,117 of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. 202 00:08:07,117 --> 00:08:08,384 There's the fake business article 203 00:08:08,384 --> 00:08:09,718 about Lorenzo, the reclusive billionaire. 204 00:08:09,718 --> 00:08:11,117 The fake Explorers Club newsletter 205 00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:12,883 describing his balloon trek to the North Pole 206 00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:14,917 as a feat of pure daring and imagination. 207 00:08:14,917 --> 00:08:16,317 The fake medical journal 208 00:08:16,317 --> 00:08:18,084 featuring the heartbreaking story of doctors telling him 209 00:08:18,084 --> 00:08:20,750 penis reduction surgery isn't an option. 210 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:21,050 And by the time you get back.. 211 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:24,818 Hi, Shelly, uh, I hate to be forward, 212 00:08:24,818 --> 00:08:26,117 but can I buy you a cup of coffee? 213 00:08:26,117 --> 00:08:28,350 Yes! Please. 214 00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:31,250 What does coffee go for these days, $50? 215 00:08:31,550 --> 00:08:33,951 (laughs): Oh, Lorenzo. 216 00:08:33,951 --> 00:08:36,817 And it is on. 217 00:08:38,484 --> 00:08:40,550 That's awful. 218 00:08:40,550 --> 00:08:42,784 You realize you broke her heart, right? 219 00:08:42,784 --> 00:08:44,118 She's inconsolable. 220 00:08:44,118 --> 00:08:46,618 Why would she be inconsolable? 221 00:08:46,618 --> 00:08:48,951 Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the Arctic 222 00:08:48,951 --> 00:08:50,450 for another week. 223 00:08:50,450 --> 00:08:52,918 The only way she would be upset is if someone 224 00:08:52,918 --> 00:08:55,018 told her it was all a bunch of lies. 225 00:08:55,018 --> 00:08:57,417 It was all just a bunch of lies? 226 00:08:57,417 --> 00:08:59,250 It was all just a bunch of lies. 227 00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:01,417 The balloon expedition? Lies! 228 00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:03,350 The man-made island shaped like his face 229 00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:05,517 off the coast of Dubai? Lies! 230 00:09:05,517 --> 00:09:08,150 Finishing third in the laser tag competition? 231 00:09:08,150 --> 00:09:09,617 Li-- Oh, actually, that one's true. 232 00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:10,918 I went to that. 233 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,050 You went to the Vatican? 234 00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:13,317 Lies! 235 00:09:14,450 --> 00:09:17,050 Oh, my God! 236 00:09:17,050 --> 00:09:19,651 Well, I hope you're happy with yourself. 237 00:09:19,651 --> 00:09:22,417 What? You broke that girl's heart. 238 00:09:22,417 --> 00:09:24,150 Me? You! 239 00:09:25,083 --> 00:09:26,918 She'll probably never trust a guy again. 240 00:09:26,918 --> 00:09:28,551 You ruined her for Ted. 241 00:09:28,551 --> 00:09:31,817 Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, 242 00:09:31,817 --> 00:09:33,384 Lorenzo's twin brother. 243 00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:35,851 Can you believe that? 244 00:09:35,851 --> 00:09:37,317 He blames me 245 00:09:37,317 --> 00:09:38,551 Oh, and by the way, Ted, 246 00:09:38,551 --> 00:09:40,050 I bet she'd still go out with you. 247 00:09:40,050 --> 00:09:41,350 Hm, let me think. 248 00:09:41,350 --> 00:09:43,417 Do I want to go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? 249 00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:44,884 Guys, help me out with the harmonies. Sure. 250 00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,684 * Hell no... * Hell no... 251 00:09:46,684 --> 00:09:50,918 * Hell no... * Hell no... 252 00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:53,951 Well, you must be a little bothered by this. 253 00:09:53,951 --> 00:09:55,484 Well, it's his life. 254 00:09:55,484 --> 00:09:58,751 Look, if these girls are dumb enough to fall for this crap, 255 00:09:58,751 --> 00:09:59,984 Agreed. 256 00:09:59,984 --> 00:10:02,250 Have you seen the one there labeled "The SNASA"? 257 00:10:04,683 --> 00:10:06,650 Wow, you're an astronaut? 258 00:10:06,650 --> 00:10:08,184 Shh! 259 00:10:08,184 --> 00:10:11,650 I'm actually in a top secret government space program 260 00:10:11,650 --> 00:10:16,384 called Secret NASA or SNASA. 261 00:10:16,384 --> 00:10:19,351 Wow, SNASA. Mm-mm. 262 00:10:19,351 --> 00:10:20,683 Do you go to the Moon and stuff? 263 00:10:20,683 --> 00:10:22,317 Well, not the Moon you're familiar with, 264 00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:25,783 though I have been to the Smoon. 265 00:10:26,583 --> 00:10:29,583 Wow, the Smoon. 266 00:10:33,151 --> 00:10:35,251 If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, 267 00:10:35,251 --> 00:10:37,717 but I'm sorry, you're a smoron. 268 00:10:38,384 --> 00:10:39,517 So, what happens next? 269 00:10:39,517 --> 00:10:40,817 Well... 270 00:10:40,817 --> 00:10:43,151 Come on, Barney, you just... 271 00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:47,418 You just got out of an honest to God relationship. 272 00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:49,051 (sighs) You're a real boy now. 273 00:10:49,051 --> 00:10:51,517 You can't go back to these cheap tricks. 274 00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:53,184 Cheap tricks?! 275 00:10:53,184 --> 00:10:55,184 Not one of these is a cheap trick. 276 00:10:55,184 --> 00:10:57,184 Except for "The Cheap Trick." 277 00:10:58,217 --> 00:11:00,517 I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick. 278 00:11:03,084 --> 00:11:06,284 And even that one involves expensive hair extensions. 279 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,884 Now, if you don't mind, 280 00:11:08,884 --> 00:11:10,851 I am off to prepare for tonight's main event. 281 00:11:10,851 --> 00:11:14,051 I will be performing "The He's Not Coming." 282 00:11:14,051 --> 00:11:16,250 Glad you asked. 283 00:11:17,884 --> 00:11:19,317 BARNEY: To perform "The He's Not Coming," 284 00:11:19,317 --> 00:11:20,617 here's what you'll need: 285 00:11:20,617 --> 00:11:22,517 The observation deck of the Empire State Building. 286 00:11:22,517 --> 00:11:23,684 Are you there? 287 00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,250 Good. 288 00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:27,317 For generations, this has been the spot 289 00:11:27,317 --> 00:11:29,517 New Yorkers have chosen for their romantic reunions 290 00:11:29,517 --> 00:11:31,617 with long-estranged lovers, so all you have to do 291 00:11:31,617 --> 00:11:35,617 is walk up to every girl you see and say..."He's not coming." 292 00:11:35,617 --> 00:11:36,817 What are you talking about? 293 00:11:36,817 --> 00:11:38,584 Never mind. 294 00:11:38,584 --> 00:11:40,051 He's not coming. 295 00:11:42,617 --> 00:11:44,584 He's not coming. 296 00:11:44,584 --> 00:11:46,851 She's not coming? 297 00:11:47,650 --> 00:11:48,951 Sorry. 298 00:11:48,951 --> 00:11:51,084 Until sooner or later... 299 00:11:51,084 --> 00:11:53,051 (sighs) 300 00:11:53,051 --> 00:11:54,350 He's not coming. 301 00:11:54,350 --> 00:11:57,751 He's not? 302 00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:59,517 But we agreed. 303 00:11:59,517 --> 00:12:01,517 We always said we'd meet here. 304 00:12:01,517 --> 00:12:03,051 On this night. 305 00:12:03,051 --> 00:12:04,118 (gasps) 306 00:12:04,118 --> 00:12:07,151 (sobbing): I'm such a fool. 307 00:12:07,151 --> 00:12:09,550 Shh, shh, shh... 308 00:12:14,051 --> 00:12:15,751 All right, I'm going to go get the paper. 309 00:12:15,751 --> 00:12:17,717 More like, go get a husband. Totally. 310 00:12:17,717 --> 00:12:18,717 Okay, you guys need 311 00:12:18,717 --> 00:12:20,051 to stop that, seriously. 312 00:12:20,051 --> 00:12:22,084 The last thing I am looking for right now is a relationship. 313 00:12:22,084 --> 00:12:23,851 Uh-huh. When you pick up that newspaper, 314 00:12:23,851 --> 00:12:25,517 be sure to check the wedding announcements. 315 00:12:25,517 --> 00:12:26,851 (singsongy): For yours. 316 00:12:26,851 --> 00:12:28,917 MARSHALL: Robin, it's like this. 317 00:12:28,917 --> 00:12:30,450 Do you have any idea how many times in my life 318 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,584 I've gone to t freezer 319 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,051 looking for frozen waffles and not found them? 320 00:12:33,051 --> 00:12:34,584 Thousands? Millions. 321 00:12:34,584 --> 00:12:37,550 But when I go to the freezer looking for a Popsicle-- 322 00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:40,184 or the remote control because Lily and I are having a fight 323 00:12:40,184 --> 00:12:42,218 and she's hidden it there-- you know what I fi? 324 00:12:42,951 --> 00:12:43,951 Frozen waffles. 325 00:12:43,951 --> 00:12:44,917 That's how it works. 326 00:12:44,917 --> 00:12:46,784 You go out there looking for a paper, 327 00:12:46,784 --> 00:12:48,417 you're coming back with frozen waffles. 328 00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:52,417 And, in this case, frozen waffles is a guy. 329 00:12:52,417 --> 00:12:55,717 Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? 330 00:12:55,717 --> 00:12:59,218 In that case, frozen waffles... 331 00:12:59,218 --> 00:13:01,450 are frozen waffles. 332 00:13:02,617 --> 00:13:04,484 Guys, code red! Emergency. 333 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,550 Lock down. Nobody's leaving. 334 00:13:06,550 --> 00:13:07,450 Whoa, what happened? 335 00:13:07,450 --> 00:13:09,118 I tried "The He's Not Coming," 336 00:13:09,118 --> 00:13:11,218 and it worked. Gangbusters. 337 00:13:11,218 --> 00:13:12,784 You should have seen this girl. 338 00:13:12,784 --> 00:13:15,051 Bang, ping, pa-dowga-donk. 339 00:13:15,051 --> 00:13:16,118 Okay, I'm leaving. 340 00:13:17,584 --> 00:13:19,118 So, we get up to my place, 341 00:13:19,118 --> 00:13:20,984 and I go into my room to set up the camera-- 342 00:13:20,984 --> 00:13:22,951 to light the candles-- 343 00:13:22,951 --> 00:13:24,517 and when I come out, 344 00:13:24,517 --> 00:13:28,151 she's gone, and so is The Playbook! 345 00:13:28,151 --> 00:13:31,617 I think we all know who is responsible for this. 346 00:13:31,617 --> 00:13:32,951 Yeah, we do. 347 00:13:32,951 --> 00:13:34,017 Yeah. 348 00:13:34,017 --> 00:13:35,417 Al-Qaeda. 349 00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:37,550 No, you idiot. 350 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,517 It was me. 351 00:13:41,518 --> 00:13:43,518 You son of a bitch. 352 00:13:50,010 --> 00:13:52,143 Wow, you stole The Playbook? 353 00:13:52,143 --> 00:13:54,711 So, the girl on the Empire State Building? 354 00:13:54,711 --> 00:13:56,344 A friend of mine-- an actress. 355 00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,843 An actress. 356 00:13:57,843 --> 00:13:59,210 Of course. 357 00:13:59,210 --> 00:14:01,311 That explains her impeccable diction and her sluttiness. 358 00:14:02,112 --> 00:14:04,412 Barney, I've got half a mind to take that playbook 359 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,311 and put it up on the internet for the whole world to see. 360 00:14:07,311 --> 00:14:10,177 You wouldn't. I won't, as long as you agree 361 00:14:10,177 --> 00:14:13,210 to no more scams, no more cons, no more hustles, 362 00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:15,177 no more hoodwinks, no more gambits, 363 00:14:15,177 --> 00:14:17,711 no more stratagems and no more bamboozles. 364 00:14:19,044 --> 00:14:20,877 I notice you left out flimflams. 365 00:14:20,877 --> 00:14:22,477 No more flimflams! Damn it. 366 00:14:23,544 --> 00:14:24,710 Oh, my God. 367 00:14:24,710 --> 00:14:26,744 I-I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this. 368 00:14:29,111 --> 00:14:30,844 No. 369 00:14:32,677 --> 00:14:35,077 I got left at the altar. 370 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,777 Oh, my God, that's horrible. 371 00:14:40,777 --> 00:14:42,644 I wonder if that would work. 372 00:14:42,644 --> 00:14:44,410 That's not even the worst one in here. 373 00:14:44,410 --> 00:14:47,278 Have you guys seen, uh, "My Penis Grants Wishes"? 374 00:14:50,077 --> 00:14:52,244 Really? A genie comes t of it? 375 00:14:52,244 --> 00:14:54,578 Only if you rub it hard enough. 376 00:14:56,844 --> 00:14:58,044 So, then, what happened? 377 00:14:58,044 --> 00:14:59,444 It says here he breaks into song, 378 00:14:59,444 --> 00:15:01,610 and then the furniture comes to life and dances with him. 379 00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,211 It's not very well thought out. 380 00:15:03,211 --> 00:15:05,177 It's no "Mrs. Stinsfire." 381 00:15:05,177 --> 00:15:06,677 No, what happened in real life? 382 00:15:06,677 --> 00:15:08,810 Well, a few hours later... 383 00:15:08,810 --> 00:15:10,977 (banging on door) 384 00:15:16,944 --> 00:15:18,344 You know, I heard it was gonna rain. 385 00:15:18,344 --> 00:15:19,978 If anyone's interested, 386 00:15:19,978 --> 00:15:22,510 I will be at MacLaren's Pub performing a play 387 00:15:22,510 --> 00:15:25,410 out of The Playbook entitled "The Scuba diver" 388 00:15:25,410 --> 00:15:27,844 That is all. 389 00:15:28,944 --> 00:15:30,711 Okay, that's it. 390 00:15:30,711 --> 00:15:33,711 I'm putting The Playbook up on the Internet. 391 00:15:33,711 --> 00:15:36,210 Baby, can you put The Playbook up on the Internet? 392 00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,444 Yeah. Of course, baby, 393 00:15:37,444 --> 00:15:38,911 but here's the... here's the weird thing. 394 00:15:38,911 --> 00:15:41,277 I have literally been through this book cover to cover. 395 00:15:41,277 --> 00:15:43,911 There is no play in here called "The Scuba Diver." 396 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,544 BARNEY: Oh. 397 00:15:46,544 --> 00:15:50,410 So, now you guys want to know what "The Scuba Diver" is. 398 00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:52,844 Well, it was 399 00:15:52,844 --> 00:15:54,811 on the last page of The Playbook, 400 00:15:54,811 --> 00:15:57,544 but I ripped it out just in case. 401 00:15:57,545 --> 00:15:58,745 Don't worry, though, 402 00:15:58,745 --> 00:16:00,577 You're about to see it in action. 403 00:16:00,577 --> 00:16:02,477 See the blond over there by the bar? 404 00:16:04,877 --> 00:16:06,777 Tizzarget acquizzired. 405 00:16:06,777 --> 00:16:09,077 Barney, don't do this. 406 00:16:09,077 --> 00:16:10,211 You're so... 407 00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:11,244 Ah, give it a rest, pest. 408 00:16:11,244 --> 00:16:12,377 If anyone should be mad, 409 00:16:12,377 --> 00:16:13,610 it should be Rob. 410 00:16:13,610 --> 00:16:14,877 She loves The Playbook. 411 00:16:14,877 --> 00:16:17,244 I don't love The Playbook. 412 00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:18,310 What are you talk...? 413 00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:19,777 The Playbook-- it's gold. 414 00:16:19,777 --> 00:16:21,410 You got to admit it's pretty spectacular. 415 00:16:21,410 --> 00:16:23,977 Look, Barney, we just broke up. 416 00:16:23,977 --> 00:16:27,244 I mean, yes, the costumes are cute, but... 417 00:16:27,244 --> 00:16:29,410 we just broke up. 418 00:16:31,377 --> 00:16:34,011 Well, I didn't... I didn't know you felt that way. 419 00:16:35,011 --> 00:16:36,677 I guess I've been so wrapped up 420 00:16:36,677 --> 00:16:37,977 in my own stuff that I... 421 00:16:37,977 --> 00:16:39,410 Oh, crap, she's looking over he. 422 00:16:39,410 --> 00:16:41,377 Quick, everyone, scatter. 423 00:16:43,178 --> 00:16:45,011 That's it. 424 00:16:46,443 --> 00:16:49,844 Hi. You see at guy over there in the scuba suit? 425 00:16:49,844 --> 00:16:51,944 And that brings us to rig now. 426 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,644 Wow. 427 00:16:53,644 --> 00:16:55,111 But... wait. 428 00:16:55,111 --> 00:16:57,410 So, why is he wearing scuba gear? 429 00:16:57,410 --> 00:16:58,477 We don't know. 430 00:16:58,477 --> 00:17:01,144 And it's killing us, Claire. 431 00:17:01,144 --> 00:17:02,544 It's killing us! 432 00:17:02,544 --> 00:17:04,278 Let's go ask him. 433 00:17:07,343 --> 00:17:08,811 So, what's "The Scuba Diver"? 434 00:17:08,811 --> 00:17:10,911 And this iClaire, by the way. 435 00:17:11,911 --> 00:17:12,944 Hello, Claire. 436 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,644 My name is Lieutenant Frank Lyman. 437 00:17:14,644 --> 00:17:18,211 I train bomb sniffing dolphins for the Balt... 438 00:17:18,977 --> 00:17:20,577 You know what? 439 00:17:20,577 --> 00:17:22,278 I'm... I can't... 440 00:17:22,278 --> 00:17:24,044 I can't... I can't do ts. 441 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:25,510 Robin... 442 00:17:26,343 --> 00:17:27,477 I'm so sorry. 443 00:17:27,477 --> 00:17:29,644 I guess this breakup's 444 00:17:29,644 --> 00:17:32,343 been tougher on me than I thought. 445 00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:33,510 I think this playbook 446 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,410 was just a way to take my mind 447 00:17:37,011 --> 00:17:37,011 It's okay. 448 00:17:37,011 --> 00:17:38,577 It's been tough on me, too. 449 00:17:38,577 --> 00:17:39,711 I mean, look at me. 450 00:17:39,711 --> 00:17:41,210 I've sworn off relationships. 451 00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:43,377 She's so about to get married. 452 00:17:43,377 --> 00:17:44,544 I got to work on my toast. 453 00:17:44,544 --> 00:17:45,978 I got to make sure my tux fits. 454 00:17:45,978 --> 00:17:48,477 I will bang your heads together like coconuts. 455 00:17:48,477 --> 00:17:49,911 LILY: Barney, I'm so glad 456 00:17:49,911 --> 00:17:51,444 you're stopping this. 457 00:17:51,444 --> 00:17:53,978 And-and, frankly, the real Barney 458 00:17:53,978 --> 00:17:56,644 is way cooler than any of the fake Barney's 459 00:17:56,644 --> 00:17:57,611 in this any book. 460 00:17:57,611 --> 00:17:58,744 Oh, is that right? 461 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,310 Claire, you've probably heard a lot 462 00:18:00,310 --> 00:18:01,478 about the real Barney tonight. 463 00:18:00,978 --> 00:18:03,310 Want to grab a cup of coffee? 464 00:18:03,310 --> 00:18:04,711 Claire, before you turn him down, 465 00:18:04,711 --> 00:18:08,311 I-I think you should know that under this neoprene suit 466 00:18:08,311 --> 00:18:09,810 with what appears to be 467 00:18:09,810 --> 00:18:11,478 a tube sock stuffed in the crotch. 468 00:18:11,478 --> 00:18:13,111 Can of Pringles, but go on. 469 00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:16,010 ...is an amazing guy. 470 00:18:16,010 --> 00:18:17,511 He's fun 471 00:18:17,511 --> 00:18:19,610 and one of my best friends. 472 00:18:19,610 --> 00:18:21,643 And he landed this hottie. 473 00:18:22,511 --> 00:18:23,977 He's a good guy. 474 00:18:25,411 --> 00:18:27,177 Come on, Claire, go out with him. 475 00:18:27,177 --> 00:18:28,444 MARSHALL: It's just a cup of coffee, right? 476 00:18:28,444 --> 00:18:30,478 Right? Come on. ROBIN: Yeah. LILY: Can't hurt. 477 00:18:30,478 --> 00:18:31,677 All right, all right. 478 00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:33,643 Let's t some coffee. 479 00:18:34,743 --> 00:18:37,643 NARRATOR: And by the end of the night... 480 00:18:37,643 --> 00:18:39,377 I'm prd of that guy. 481 00:18:39,377 --> 00:18:41,910 To be that vulnerable takes a lot of Prings. 482 00:18:41,910 --> 00:18:43,044 (cell phone chiming) 483 00:18:43,544 --> 00:18:45,444 Ooh. I got a text from Barney. 484 00:18:45,444 --> 00:18:48,110 Oh. "Look under the table." 485 00:18:48,944 --> 00:18:51,011 Oh. 486 00:18:52,577 --> 00:18:54,611 It's a page from The Playbook. 487 00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:56,011 What does it say? 488 00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,978 's "The Scuba Diver." 489 00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:03,044 BARNEY: Step one: tell a meddlesome female friend 490 00:19:03,044 --> 00:19:05,244 about The Playbook. Step two: run play 491 00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:06,111 on one of her coworkers, king her so angry 492 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,112 She steals the Playbook. 493 00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:08,111 Step Three: Put on a scuba suit 494 00:19:08,111 --> 00:19:09,411 and tell her you're going to do 495 00:19:09,411 --> 00:19:11,111 one more scam called "The Scuba Diver" 496 00:19:11,111 --> 00:19:12,411 on the hot girl standing by the bar. 497 00:19:12,411 --> 00:19:14,544 Your fend-- let's call her Lily-- 498 00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:15,411 goes and talks to the girl 499 00:19:15,411 --> 00:19:16,743 and tells her everything about The Playbook. 500 00:19:16,743 --> 00:19:18,211 Now, here's where it gets tricky. 501 00:19:18,211 --> 00:19:21,077 When Lily and the girl ask at "The Scuba Diver" is, 502 00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:22,111 about your deep-seated insecurities 503 00:19:22,111 --> 00:19:23,411 which don't really exist 504 00:19:23,411 --> 00:19:24,677 because-- let's face it-- you're awesome. 505 00:19:24,677 --> 00:19:26,544 Feeling bad for you, Lily talks you up 506 00:19:26,544 --> 00:19:29,111 to the girl, who then agrees to go get coffee with you. 507 00:19:29,111 --> 00:19:32,944 And it... is... on. 508 00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:41,945 You son of a bitch. 509 00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:48,011 I'll give you a call. All right. Bye-bye. 510 00:19:49,511 --> 00:19:51,143 Uh, for those of you keeping score, 511 00:19:51,143 --> 00:19:53,210 "The Ted Mosby" works. 512 00:19:53,210 --> 00:19:54,777 Shh. 513 00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:58,978 Robin, here we go. Say you don't want a relationship. 514 00:19:58,978 --> 00:20:00,844 Well, the love of your life is about 515 00:20:00,844 --> 00:20:02,143 to walk through the door, 516 00:20:02,143 --> 00:20:03,510 and it's... 517 00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:05,811 that guy. 518 00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:09,310 Yeah, I'm not falling in love with that guy. 519 00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:11,410 Right, right, right, because it's going to be... 520 00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:13,011 th guy. 521 00:20:14,844 --> 00:20:16,410 Mmm, I don't know. The blue blazer's just, 522 00:20:16,410 --> 00:20:18,177 like, not doing it for me, so... Yeah, yeah. 523 00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:20,444 You're right, 'cause here he comes. It's that guy! 524 00:20:22,078 --> 00:20:23,078 Oh, Robin. 525 00:20:23,078 --> 00:20:26,277 You should at least give her a chance. 526 00:20:26,277 --> 00:20:28,277 You know, make out with h a little, 527 00:20:28,277 --> 00:20:29,777 see if there's something there. 528 00:20:29,777 --> 00:20:30,410 Okay, I'm going to work. 529 00:20:30,410 --> 00:20:31,444 Yeah, you are. 530 00:20:31,444 --> 00:20:32,911 No, i'm actually going to work. 531 00:20:32,911 --> 00:20:33,911 Uh-huh. Go, work it. Mm-hmm. 532 00:20:34,911 --> 00:20:36,978 NARRATOR: And the ironic part was... 533 00:20:36,978 --> 00:20:38,443 Hi. Are you Robin? 534 00:20:38,943 --> 00:20:39,577 Yeah. 535 00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:40,910 I'm Don, your new co-host. 536 00:20:40,911 --> 00:20:42,911 That was the day she met Don. 537 00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:46,677 Damn it, Marshall. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00