1
00:00:01,275 --> 00:00:02,375
Kids, back in 2009,
2
00:00:02,375 --> 00:00:03,542
your Aunt Robin was the host
3
00:00:03,542 --> 00:00:05,909
of a morning show
for local New York cable.
4
00:00:05,909 --> 00:00:08,275
And it was on early.
How early?
5
00:00:09,842 --> 00:00:11,208
Mike? wakey, wakey.
6
00:00:12,408 --> 00:00:15,141
But then, everything changed.
7
00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:16,341
Hey.
Hey.
8
00:00:16,341 --> 00:00:17,308
See my show?
9
00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:18,575
Oh, I meant
to watch it.
10
00:00:18,575 --> 00:00:19,675
I just got so busy
11
00:00:19,675 --> 00:00:21,675
with the whole
"being sound asleep" thing.
12
00:00:21,675 --> 00:00:23,809
It took all night,
eight hours down the drain.
13
00:00:23,809 --> 00:00:25,974
Oh, it's fine.
But get this:
14
00:00:25,974 --> 00:00:28,141
After the broadcast...
15
00:00:28,141 --> 00:00:30,442
Hi. Are you Robin?
16
00:00:30,442 --> 00:00:31,542
Yeah.
17
00:00:31,542 --> 00:00:32,675
I'm Don, your new co-host.
18
00:00:32,675 --> 00:00:34,675
Don was Don Frank,
19
00:00:34,675 --> 00:00:36,008
seasoned veteran of no fewer
20
00:00:36,008 --> 00:00:38,575
than 39 local
morning news teams
21
00:00:38,575 --> 00:00:40,208
from all over the country.
22
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,542
The guy was an industry legend.
23
00:00:43,175 --> 00:00:45,775
Oh.
24
00:00:45,775 --> 00:00:48,442
Wow! You are
so going to hit that.
25
00:00:48,442 --> 00:00:49,941
No, I just think we're going
26
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:51,708
to be great together
on the air.
27
00:00:51,708 --> 00:00:54,375
And on the sofa and on the bed
and on the coffee table.
28
00:00:54,375 --> 00:00:55,941
All right,
all right.
29
00:00:55,941 --> 00:00:57,508
I'm gonna go up on the
roof and stand there
30
00:00:57,508 --> 00:00:58,875
by myself for five minutes.
31
00:00:58,875 --> 00:00:59,941
Have fun.
32
00:00:59,941 --> 00:01:01,642
And that's exactly
what she did.
33
00:01:01,642 --> 00:01:04,642
She just stood there.
34
00:01:04,642 --> 00:01:06,608
All right, kids,
I'm gonna level with you.
35
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:08,008
That's not what she did.
36
00:01:08,008 --> 00:01:09,108
Here's what she did.
37
00:01:09,108 --> 00:01:11,074
All right,
all right.
38
00:01:11,074 --> 00:01:12,508
I'm going to go
have a cigarette.
39
00:01:12,508 --> 00:01:13,875
BOTH:
What?!
40
00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:15,341
NARRATOR:
I promised her
I'd never tell you this,
41
00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:16,974
but once upon a time,
your Aunt Robin
42
00:01:16,974 --> 00:01:19,141
did enjoy
the occasional cigarette,
43
00:01:19,141 --> 00:01:22,341
and occasionally
that occasional cigarette...
44
00:01:22,341 --> 00:01:25,175
was more than just occasional.
45
00:01:28,108 --> 00:01:30,141
I just left something
like this in my apartment.
46
00:01:30,141 --> 00:01:32,842
Robin, come on,
take it to the roof.
47
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:34,208
We said no smoking
in the apartment
48
00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:36,575
after you torched
the throw rug doing push-ups.
49
00:01:36,575 --> 00:01:37,708
All right, all right, all right.
50
00:01:37,708 --> 00:01:39,175
Geez.
51
00:01:39,175 --> 00:01:41,375
Yeah, Robin,
I mean, God,
52
00:01:41,375 --> 00:01:44,275
not only is that a
filthy habit, but also,
53
00:01:44,275 --> 00:01:45,875
can I bum one?
Sure.
54
00:01:45,875 --> 00:01:47,475
What?!
55
00:01:47,476 --> 00:01:51,118
"How I Met Your Mother"
56
00:01:51,119 --> 00:01:56,341
- Sync By YesCool -
57
00:01:56,342 --> 00:02:00,000
WwW.addic7ed.com
58
00:02:00,376 --> 00:02:02,408
Kids, your Uncle Marshall
definitely doesn't want you
59
00:02:02,408 --> 00:02:05,375
to know this,
but he also smoked off and on.
60
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:09,008
It all started when he was 13,
on a camping trip in Minnesota.
61
00:02:09,008 --> 00:02:10,275
Come on, Marshall,
let's celebrate.
62
00:02:10,275 --> 00:02:11,974
It's summer vacation.
63
00:02:12,842 --> 00:02:15,875
Okay, but just one.
64
00:02:15,875 --> 00:02:17,909
This is my first
and last cigarette ever.
65
00:02:17,909 --> 00:02:22,041
And that was the first of many,
many "last cigarettes ever."
66
00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:23,508
That's it.
67
00:02:23,508 --> 00:02:25,375
I am done, I am out.
68
00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:26,408
Last...
69
00:02:26,408 --> 00:02:27,375
Cigarette...
70
00:02:27,375 --> 00:02:28,941
...ev-arrh!
71
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,041
So, by that point,
I'd heard it all before.
72
00:02:31,041 --> 00:02:33,074
Last cigarette ever.
73
00:02:33,074 --> 00:02:35,708
What are you doing?
You haven't smoked
in six months.
74
00:02:35,708 --> 00:02:37,442
Is this about the McRib?
75
00:02:37,442 --> 00:02:38,708
It's gone, dude, let it go.
76
00:02:38,708 --> 00:02:40,608
I'm worried
about work, okay?
77
00:02:40,608 --> 00:02:42,974
They just hired a new head
of the legal department,
78
00:02:42,974 --> 00:02:44,775
and he's going
to be letting people go.
79
00:02:44,775 --> 00:02:46,308
So that's
why you're worried?
80
00:02:46,308 --> 00:02:50,175
The new head of the legal
department is Arthur Hobbes.
81
00:02:50,175 --> 00:02:52,141
As in "Artillery Arthur"?
82
00:02:52,141 --> 00:02:53,909
As in your former boss?
83
00:02:53,909 --> 00:02:55,475
Arthur Hobbes was
the meanest boss
84
00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:58,941
Marshall or anyone else
had ever had.
85
00:02:58,941 --> 00:03:01,508
The last time Marshall worked
for him, it ended like this.
86
00:03:01,508 --> 00:03:03,875
I quit!
87
00:03:03,875 --> 00:03:04,875
Yikes.
88
00:03:04,875 --> 00:03:06,442
So does he hold it
against you?
89
00:03:06,442 --> 00:03:08,141
Worse.
90
00:03:08,141 --> 00:03:09,575
I'm sorry,
who are you?
91
00:03:09,575 --> 00:03:12,308
I'm, I'm Marshall Eriksen.
92
00:03:12,308 --> 00:03:13,875
Hmm.
93
00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:16,809
Um, we had a fairly intense
screaming match.
94
00:03:16,809 --> 00:03:18,074
No.
95
00:03:18,074 --> 00:03:20,575
Wherein I suggested
that you take your head
96
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:23,608
and store it within yourself
97
00:03:23,608 --> 00:03:24,941
in a fashion that,
98
00:03:24,941 --> 00:03:26,074
while, while space-saving,
99
00:03:26,074 --> 00:03:28,842
might limit its exposure
to, to sunshine.
100
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:31,708
Well, that describes
95% of my employees
101
00:03:31,708 --> 00:03:34,909
and everyone in my family...
except for my dog.
102
00:03:34,909 --> 00:03:39,008
:
He's such a good boy.
103
00:03:39,008 --> 00:03:41,742
Well... I'll see you
later, uh...
104
00:03:41,742 --> 00:03:44,074
Randall Wilkerson.
105
00:03:44,074 --> 00:03:45,308
Marshall Eriksen.
106
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,608
Gary Dinkersfield, right.
107
00:03:48,608 --> 00:03:50,141
Great, he doesn't remember you.
108
00:03:50,141 --> 00:03:51,442
Not great.
109
00:03:51,442 --> 00:03:52,708
Arthur Hobbes hating Marshall--
that's no big deal.
110
00:03:52,708 --> 00:03:54,074
He hates everyone.
111
00:03:54,074 --> 00:03:56,241
It's the people he doesn't know
that he cuts loose.
112
00:03:56,241 --> 00:03:58,974
He just fired
What's-His-Face.
113
00:03:58,974 --> 00:04:00,575
He fired What's-
His-Face, Ted,
114
00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:02,208
and What's-His-Face
was invaluable.
115
00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:04,442
Look, I can understand
you getting upset,
116
00:04:04,442 --> 00:04:06,108
but it's not worth
killing yourself over.
117
00:04:06,108 --> 00:04:09,475
Yeah, wait till you get
laid off, then kill yourself.
118
00:04:09,475 --> 00:04:10,875
Like What's-His-Face.
119
00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:15,275
Although I guess now
it's more like Where's-His-Face.
120
00:04:15,275 --> 00:04:16,375
Look, it was just
two cigarettes.
121
00:04:16,375 --> 00:04:18,508
Okay, I can handle two.
122
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:21,408
As long as I don't have three
within 24 hours,
123
00:04:21,408 --> 00:04:22,775
then I'm not going
to get hooked again.
124
00:04:22,775 --> 00:04:23,842
What's Lily going
125
00:04:23,842 --> 00:04:25,775
to say when she finds out
you smoked?
126
00:04:25,775 --> 00:04:27,941
Lily's not going to find out.
127
00:04:27,941 --> 00:04:28,974
I have a system.
128
00:04:28,974 --> 00:04:31,208
Ah, yes, Marshall's system.
129
00:04:44,208 --> 00:04:45,542
Hey, Lil.
130
00:04:45,542 --> 00:04:46,542
You smoked.
131
00:04:46,542 --> 00:04:48,041
Damn it!
132
00:04:48,041 --> 00:04:50,275
NARRATOR:
The next morning,
your Aunt Robin was thrilled
133
00:04:50,275 --> 00:04:52,909
to be finally going on the air
with a real pro.
134
00:04:52,909 --> 00:04:56,175
In three, two, one...
135
00:04:56,175 --> 00:04:57,442
Hi, I'm Robin
Scherbatsky.
136
00:04:57,442 --> 00:05:00,275
And I... am Don Frank.
137
00:05:00,275 --> 00:05:01,974
Two teens were arrested
late last night
138
00:05:01,974 --> 00:05:03,208
for stealing
a police cart.
139
00:05:03,208 --> 00:05:05,241
No, I'm sorry, not a
police cart, a police car.
140
00:05:05,241 --> 00:05:06,308
Oh.
141
00:05:06,308 --> 00:05:07,542
Aw, screw it.
142
00:05:07,542 --> 00:05:08,508
Brain fart.
143
00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:11,041
Don't you hate those?
144
00:05:11,041 --> 00:05:12,208
Oh, look at that,
145
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:14,008
the teleprompter's
still running.
146
00:05:14,008 --> 00:05:17,408
Something about a woman
giving birth on an uptown bus.
147
00:05:17,408 --> 00:05:19,341
Well, no point
in jumping in halfway.
148
00:05:19,341 --> 00:05:22,508
I'll just wait
till it's done.
149
00:05:22,508 --> 00:05:26,542
Uh... and she cut the cord
with a Metropass.
150
00:05:26,542 --> 00:05:27,542
We'll be right back.
151
00:05:27,542 --> 00:05:29,241
And we're clear.
152
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:31,708
What the hell was that?
Don, you said "brain fart."
153
00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:33,442
Look, Robin, you seem
154
00:05:33,442 --> 00:05:36,275
like a nice kid, but this is
my 39th local news show, okay?
155
00:05:36,275 --> 00:05:38,008
And in that time,
I've learned three things:
156
00:05:38,008 --> 00:05:40,442
avoid the all-you-can-eat
sushi buffet in Bismarck,
157
00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:43,408
do not go to the bathroom
with your lapel mic still on,
158
00:05:43,408 --> 00:05:44,708
and three, at this hour,
159
00:05:44,708 --> 00:05:46,475
your entire
viewing audience is
160
00:05:46,475 --> 00:05:49,475
one half-drunk slob sitting
in his underwear, so...
161
00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,108
MIKE:
Back in five, four...
162
00:05:52,108 --> 00:05:55,008
Well, let's do a great show
for that half-drunk slob.
163
00:05:55,008 --> 00:05:57,642
Well, that half-drunk slob
appreciates it.
164
00:05:57,642 --> 00:05:59,742
The next day, Marshall found
himself craving a cigarette.
165
00:05:59,742 --> 00:06:04,941
It was driving him crazy, so he
decided to get some fresh air.
166
00:06:06,974 --> 00:06:08,041
Oh, no.
167
00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:09,809
You're not up here to jump,
are you?
168
00:06:09,809 --> 00:06:10,974
No, no, no, no.
169
00:06:10,974 --> 00:06:12,275
I fired a lot of people today.
170
00:06:12,275 --> 00:06:14,175
I don't need another jumper
in my file.
171
00:06:16,341 --> 00:06:18,608
Oh, uh, cigarette?
172
00:06:18,608 --> 00:06:21,442
No, no, thank you.
173
00:06:21,442 --> 00:06:23,375
That's too bad.
174
00:06:23,375 --> 00:06:25,041
You know what I miss, Jeffrey?
175
00:06:25,041 --> 00:06:27,608
Getting to know
somebody over a smoke.
176
00:06:27,608 --> 00:06:30,008
People are
so interchangeable now,
177
00:06:30,008 --> 00:06:34,408
but you share a butt with
somebody, you got a real bond.
178
00:06:35,275 --> 00:06:37,475
You know what?
179
00:06:37,475 --> 00:06:38,675
I will, I will take one.
180
00:06:38,675 --> 00:06:39,708
Okay.
181
00:06:39,708 --> 00:06:40,842
Thank you.
182
00:06:40,842 --> 00:06:42,675
I'm Marshall, by the way,
183
00:06:42,675 --> 00:06:44,408
it's Marshall,
Marshall Eriksen.
184
00:06:44,408 --> 00:06:47,108
Yeah. Tell me something
Marshall Eriksen.
185
00:06:47,108 --> 00:06:49,208
How would you
like to see
186
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:52,575
a picture of the cutest dog
in the world?
187
00:06:59,011 --> 00:07:01,327
Hey.
- You smoked.
188
00:07:02,011 --> 00:07:05,677
Yes, I smoked,
and it was my third of the day.
189
00:07:05,677 --> 00:07:06,877
You know what
that means?
190
00:07:06,877 --> 00:07:08,344
I'm a smoker now.
It's all over.
191
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:10,811
I even bought a pack
on the way home and a lighter
192
00:07:10,811 --> 00:07:12,844
and a Vikings lamp, which has
nothing to do with anything,
193
00:07:12,844 --> 00:07:14,577
but I saw it in the window
and I liked it.
194
00:07:14,577 --> 00:07:15,877
Damn it, Marshall.
195
00:07:15,877 --> 00:07:18,844
We already have four
Viking lamps and smoking kills.
196
00:07:18,844 --> 00:07:21,911
It was a way to bond
with my boss, okay?
197
00:07:21,911 --> 00:07:23,844
You should have seen me
up there.
198
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,244
That is a cute dog.
199
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:26,610
Yeah.
Are those your kids?
200
00:07:26,610 --> 00:07:27,944
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
201
00:07:27,944 --> 00:07:30,545
Hey, oh, look what I got
at the mall.
202
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,011
Aw.
There he is.
203
00:07:35,011 --> 00:07:36,577
There he is.
204
00:07:36,577 --> 00:07:38,044
Go ahead, you can pet him now.
205
00:07:38,044 --> 00:07:39,011
No.
206
00:07:39,011 --> 00:07:41,311
Yeah, yeah,
come on, he likes it.
207
00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:44,111
Scratch him under the chin.
208
00:07:46,877 --> 00:07:48,644
I don't care
what your reasons are.
209
00:07:48,644 --> 00:07:50,644
You know how I feel
about smoking.
210
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,644
Now, give me
the cigarettes.
211
00:07:55,844 --> 00:07:58,111
And the lighter.
212
00:08:08,244 --> 00:08:10,744
Ah, that's the stuff.
213
00:08:10,744 --> 00:08:12,144
What?!
What?!
Oh, yeah,
214
00:08:12,144 --> 00:08:13,777
add your Aunt Lily to the list.
215
00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:15,844
Whenever Uncle Marshall fell
off the wagon,
216
00:08:15,844 --> 00:08:18,877
your Aunt Lily got dragged
right down with him.
217
00:08:18,877 --> 00:08:20,844
What you doing?
218
00:08:20,844 --> 00:08:22,478
If you must know,
I am reaching out
219
00:08:22,478 --> 00:08:25,445
to City Hall to try to get
the mayor on our show.
220
00:08:25,445 --> 00:08:26,710
Oh, my goodness, you are
221
00:08:26,710 --> 00:08:28,378
adorable,
222
00:08:28,378 --> 00:08:30,478
but the mayor's not coming
on a show nobody watches.
223
00:08:30,478 --> 00:08:33,378
My colonoscopy had
more viewers than this show.
224
00:08:33,378 --> 00:08:35,610
At least that had
some twists and turns.
225
00:08:35,610 --> 00:08:37,011
You know, I don't,
I don't know
226
00:08:37,011 --> 00:08:38,278
why you're acting
like this.
227
00:08:38,278 --> 00:08:39,877
Maybe you're just bitter
because you never had
228
00:08:39,877 --> 00:08:41,078
a shot at a network job,
229
00:08:41,078 --> 00:08:43,545
but I think I still do,
so I really need to focus.
230
00:08:43,545 --> 00:08:44,811
I've been
on a network.
231
00:08:46,677 --> 00:08:48,545
You were on a network?
232
00:08:48,545 --> 00:08:52,311
It was the best Labor Day
weekend of my life.
233
00:08:52,311 --> 00:08:54,811
When you do the news, you're
in these ergonomic chairs.
234
00:08:54,811 --> 00:08:56,710
It feels like you're sitting
on a cloud.
235
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:59,777
Which was nice 'cause it was
right after my colonoscopy.
236
00:08:59,777 --> 00:09:02,344
And the dressing rooms?
Oh.
237
00:09:02,344 --> 00:09:03,577
There's dressing rooms?
Oh, you bet
238
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,844
your sweet headset
there's dressing rooms, Mike.
239
00:09:05,844 --> 00:09:08,710
No changing in the KFC
bathroom across the street.
240
00:09:08,710 --> 00:09:10,178
No, sir.
241
00:09:10,844 --> 00:09:12,744
It was heaven.
242
00:09:12,744 --> 00:09:15,378
But the second you get used
to it, they go find someone
243
00:09:15,378 --> 00:09:17,545
who isn't "going through
a bitter divorce"
244
00:09:17,545 --> 00:09:19,944
and doesn't "reek of gin,"
245
00:09:19,944 --> 00:09:21,044
and before you know it,
you're stuck
246
00:09:21,044 --> 00:09:22,710
in a dead-end gig,
247
00:09:22,710 --> 00:09:24,411
surrounded by people
going nowhere,
248
00:09:24,411 --> 00:09:27,278
doing the news
in your tighty whities.
249
00:09:27,278 --> 00:09:30,911
Okay, the underwear thing
was your choice,
250
00:09:30,911 --> 00:09:31,977
and I don't like
251
00:09:31,977 --> 00:09:32,977
that it's catching on.
252
00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:35,710
Ah, looking good,
fellas.
253
00:09:35,710 --> 00:09:36,877
Feels good, right?
254
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,311
God, I want
to kill him.
255
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:39,677
Of course people
watch the show.
256
00:09:39,677 --> 00:09:41,944
You guys watch the show,
that's, like, two right there.
257
00:09:44,378 --> 00:09:45,545
Oh, my God.
258
00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:47,677
You guys still
haven't seen my show.
259
00:09:47,677 --> 00:09:50,545
What? We never miss it.
We've seen it!
260
00:09:50,545 --> 00:09:52,644
Really? What color is the set?
261
00:09:52,644 --> 00:09:55,411
Uh...
262
00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:56,877
Yeah, uh...
It's black.
263
00:09:56,877 --> 00:09:58,710
Right. Yeah.
With, like, silver
264
00:09:58,710 --> 00:10:00,078
Uh-huh. Yeah.
around the edges.
265
00:10:00,078 --> 00:10:02,044
Not your TV set, my show set.
266
00:10:02,044 --> 00:10:03,577
Ah...
Oh...
267
00:10:03,577 --> 00:10:05,577
God, if I can't even get
my best friends to watch,
268
00:10:05,577 --> 00:10:06,911
who's going to watch?
269
00:10:06,911 --> 00:10:08,011
Lots of people.
270
00:10:08,011 --> 00:10:10,710
Uh, you got bedridden
insomniacs.
Hmm.
271
00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:13,777
Bums camping outside
a department store.
272
00:10:13,777 --> 00:10:14,944
People waiting
273
00:10:14,944 --> 00:10:17,877
in the ER, where
the TV is in a cage,
274
00:10:17,877 --> 00:10:19,944
so you can't change
the channel.
275
00:10:20,710 --> 00:10:22,344
Ooh, do you have any stalkers?
276
00:10:22,344 --> 00:10:25,445
Yeah, but even Leonard
won't watch my show.
277
00:10:26,610 --> 00:10:28,545
I can't believe those guys
are smoking out there.
278
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,777
It's freezing out.
279
00:10:29,777 --> 00:10:32,378
Remember when you used to be
able to smoke in bars?
280
00:10:32,378 --> 00:10:34,211
Oh, hey, dude.
I think that
281
00:10:34,211 --> 00:10:36,044
hot girl over there's
smiling at me.
282
00:10:36,044 --> 00:10:38,111
Uh, that's a chair.
283
00:10:38,111 --> 00:10:39,877
But yeah, dude, hit that.
284
00:10:40,644 --> 00:10:42,211
MARSHALL:
Guys?
285
00:10:42,211 --> 00:10:43,577
Marco!
286
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:45,744
Polo!
Polo!
287
00:10:45,744 --> 00:10:49,178
Well, it's dividing our group
into smokers and non-smokers.
288
00:10:49,178 --> 00:10:50,478
And that's not healthy.
289
00:10:50,478 --> 00:10:52,278
You're right.
290
00:10:53,178 --> 00:10:54,777
Let's go have a smoke.
291
00:10:54,777 --> 00:10:55,844
What?!
What?!
292
00:10:55,844 --> 00:10:57,511
Yeah, I'm not proud of it.
293
00:10:57,511 --> 00:10:58,977
ROBIN:
Look at you two.
294
00:10:58,977 --> 00:11:00,311
Smokers.
295
00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:01,911
Just like the rest of us.
296
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:05,545
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
297
00:11:05,545 --> 00:11:07,677
I am not a smoker.
298
00:11:07,677 --> 00:11:08,644
I only smoke
299
00:11:08,644 --> 00:11:10,411
in certain situations.
300
00:11:10,411 --> 00:11:13,478
Postcoital,
when I'm with Germans--
301
00:11:13,478 --> 00:11:15,710
sometimes those two overlap--
302
00:11:15,710 --> 00:11:18,111
coital, birthdays,
303
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,744
to annoy my mom,
304
00:11:19,744 --> 00:11:21,044
precoital,
305
00:11:21,044 --> 00:11:23,610
on a sailboat, the day the Mets
306
00:11:23,610 --> 00:11:25,511
are mathematically eliminated
every year,
307
00:11:25,511 --> 00:11:26,577
and, of course--
308
00:11:26,577 --> 00:11:28,877
wait for it,
'cause Lord knows I have--
309
00:11:28,877 --> 00:11:31,211
pregnancy scares.
310
00:11:31,211 --> 00:11:32,478
Why are you smoking
right now?
311
00:11:32,478 --> 00:11:35,511
I'm always precoital, Ted.
312
00:11:35,511 --> 00:11:37,311
You know, maybe
smoking's not so bad.
313
00:11:37,311 --> 00:11:40,511
I mean, at least it gets us
out in the fresh air.
314
00:11:40,511 --> 00:11:42,844
Yeah, and all the coughing
really works my abs.
315
00:11:42,844 --> 00:11:46,677
:
I... am... ripped!
316
00:11:46,677 --> 00:11:48,478
NARRATOR:
But, as glamorous as it was,
317
00:11:48,478 --> 00:11:50,844
within a week,
we all hit our breaking point.
318
00:11:53,478 --> 00:11:54,977
You okay, sweetie?
319
00:11:54,977 --> 00:11:58,411
:
Actually, baby,
my throat's a bit sore.
320
00:12:16,911 --> 00:12:18,577
So, I'm whapping
him across the nose
321
00:12:18,577 --> 00:12:19,844
with the
newspaper, right?
Yeah.
322
00:12:19,844 --> 00:12:21,078
And my wife says,
323
00:12:21,078 --> 00:12:23,411
"Come on, you can't
treat your son like that."
324
00:12:23,411 --> 00:12:25,111
I don't know.
325
00:12:27,644 --> 00:12:29,545
Michael, call 911.
326
00:12:30,378 --> 00:12:31,511
Oh... oh, my God.
327
00:12:31,511 --> 00:12:33,111
Okay, yes, yeah, right away.
328
00:12:33,111 --> 00:12:35,214
It's Marshall, by the way.
329
00:12:41,638 --> 00:12:42,705
Oh, my God.
330
00:12:42,705 --> 00:12:44,304
I hope Arthur's okay.
331
00:12:44,304 --> 00:12:45,938
Dibs on his office if he's not.
332
00:12:45,938 --> 00:12:47,672
We have to quit smoking.
333
00:12:47,672 --> 00:12:50,072
:
Honey, you said a mouthful.
334
00:12:50,072 --> 00:12:51,471
I wish I had never started.
335
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:54,271
I mean, I think back
to myself at 13 years old.
336
00:12:54,271 --> 00:12:57,605
If I could only go back
to that moment...
337
00:13:04,338 --> 00:13:06,271
I hate that little bastard.
338
00:13:06,271 --> 00:13:08,139
:
Me, too.
339
00:13:08,139 --> 00:13:09,338
Okay, that's it.
340
00:13:09,338 --> 00:13:11,204
Let's quit.
341
00:13:11,204 --> 00:13:13,105
Let's... Let's do it.
342
00:13:13,105 --> 00:13:14,938
Well, I am proud of you guys.
343
00:13:14,938 --> 00:13:18,072
I have heard how difficult it is
for smokers
344
00:13:18,072 --> 00:13:19,304
like yourself
to quit,
345
00:13:19,304 --> 00:13:20,705
so, on behalf of nonsmokers,
346
00:13:20,705 --> 00:13:23,371
I salute you,
and I am here to help.
347
00:13:23,371 --> 00:13:24,605
So, hand in your cigarettes,
348
00:13:24,605 --> 00:13:27,005
and I will get rid of them
one at a time.
349
00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:28,738
You're quitting, dollface.
350
00:13:28,738 --> 00:13:31,238
I know I don't normally
call you dollface,
351
00:13:31,238 --> 00:13:33,271
but it kind of works
in this voice.
352
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,805
Dollface.
353
00:13:34,805 --> 00:13:35,938
Hey, guys.
Hey.
354
00:13:35,938 --> 00:13:38,105
Uh, I was just wondering, um,
355
00:13:38,105 --> 00:13:40,471
is anyone else
interviewing the mayor
356
00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:43,204
tomorrow on TV,
or is it just me?
357
00:13:43,204 --> 00:13:44,405
Hey, that's great.
Whoa!
358
00:13:44,405 --> 00:13:45,538
Hey!
359
00:13:45,538 --> 00:13:47,672
Yeah, Don can suck it
while I suck this.
360
00:13:47,672 --> 00:13:48,905
Light me, Marshall.
361
00:13:48,905 --> 00:13:50,505
Actually, um, we've decided
362
00:13:50,505 --> 00:13:52,705
that we're all
quitting smoking.
363
00:13:52,705 --> 00:13:54,005
That's fantastic.
364
00:13:54,005 --> 00:13:56,405
I'm sick of you guys
bumming my cigarettes.
365
00:13:56,405 --> 00:13:58,039
No, come on, Robin.
We-we can't do it
366
00:13:58,039 --> 00:13:59,238
unless we all do it together.
367
00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:00,571
No.
368
00:14:00,571 --> 00:14:02,171
You can sleep with Marshall.
369
00:14:02,171 --> 00:14:03,605
Oh, God, Lily, no.
370
00:14:03,605 --> 00:14:05,972
Sorry, baby, you got to take one
for the team.
371
00:14:05,972 --> 00:14:08,271
I-I don't want
to sleep with Marshall.
372
00:14:08,271 --> 00:14:10,605
I've seen the looks.
Right.
373
00:14:10,605 --> 00:14:11,838
I can't quit right now.
374
00:14:11,838 --> 00:14:13,938
Not before the biggest interview
of my life.
375
00:14:13,938 --> 00:14:15,171
It's-it's too stressful.
376
00:14:15,171 --> 00:14:16,471
It's too stressful!
377
00:14:16,471 --> 00:14:17,638
Let's just have one more.
Give me a cigarette!!
378
00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:19,505
No, wait! Robin, Robin,
think about this
379
00:14:19,505 --> 00:14:20,505
for a second.
380
00:14:20,505 --> 00:14:22,139
Bloomberg
is the antismoking mayor.
381
00:14:22,139 --> 00:14:23,705
Do you really want to show up
382
00:14:23,705 --> 00:14:25,204
to that interview
smelling like smoke?
383
00:14:25,204 --> 00:14:27,171
It'd be like interviewing
a vegetarian
384
00:14:27,171 --> 00:14:28,672
smelling like a McRib.
385
00:14:28,672 --> 00:14:30,972
Really? Like I'm not going
through enough right now?
386
00:14:30,972 --> 00:14:32,238
TED:
Look,
387
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:33,238
you're quitting.
388
00:14:33,238 --> 00:14:35,672
We're all quitting.
389
00:14:36,805 --> 00:14:38,438
Fine. I'll quit.
390
00:14:38,438 --> 00:14:39,638
Great. Great.
391
00:14:39,638 --> 00:14:41,772
We just have to get
through the first 24 hours.
392
00:14:41,772 --> 00:14:43,371
After that, it's a cakewalk.
393
00:14:44,438 --> 00:14:47,238
Barney, do you have
to bite your nails so loud?
394
00:14:47,238 --> 00:14:48,471
I'm not biting
my nails.
395
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,238
I'm trying to suck
the leftover nicotine
396
00:14:50,238 --> 00:14:51,638
out of my fingertips.
397
00:14:51,638 --> 00:14:53,405
Marshall, can you
pass the onion rings?
398
00:14:53,405 --> 00:14:55,039
What, you got dinosaur arms?
They're right there.
399
00:14:55,039 --> 00:14:57,638
What do you think cigarettes
are doing right now?
400
00:14:57,638 --> 00:14:59,972
You think they're
thinking about us?
401
00:14:59,972 --> 00:15:02,171
Dude, if you don't stop
tapping your foot,
402
00:15:02,171 --> 00:15:03,438
it's coming off.
403
00:15:03,438 --> 00:15:05,039
Oh, my God, Ted,
I'm so sorry.
404
00:15:05,039 --> 00:15:07,738
Maybe I should move it a
little bit closer to your ass!
405
00:15:07,738 --> 00:15:08,972
TED:
All right.
406
00:15:08,972 --> 00:15:11,039
I am ready to do this right now!
407
00:15:12,438 --> 00:15:14,405
NARRATOR:
None of us knew
what we were fighting about.
408
00:15:14,405 --> 00:15:15,972
We just knew
we wanted to smoke.
409
00:15:15,972 --> 00:15:19,105
More than anything
in the world.
410
00:15:23,872 --> 00:15:26,405
It wasn't going very well
for Robin, either.
411
00:15:26,405 --> 00:15:27,838
Sorry I'm late.
412
00:15:27,838 --> 00:15:30,738
Someone used the microwave,
and the elevator stopped.
413
00:15:30,738 --> 00:15:32,105
What are you doing?
414
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:34,738
Okay, Don, Don,
seriously, not tonight.
415
00:15:34,738 --> 00:15:37,271
Okay, I'm a little bit on edge
because I quit smoking
416
00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:38,972
for my interview with
the mayor, so just...
417
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:43,972
Oh, you precious little
porcelain unicorn, you.
418
00:15:43,972 --> 00:15:45,538
Why would you do that?
419
00:15:45,538 --> 00:15:47,238
Why?!
420
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,905
Because I care, Don.
421
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:53,105
I-I care about the show,
I-I care about my career.
422
00:15:53,105 --> 00:15:55,405
Unlike you,
you unprofessional jerk!
423
00:15:55,405 --> 00:15:57,672
You're-You're
sloppy, you're rude,
424
00:15:57,672 --> 00:16:00,072
and I wish you
worked half as hard
425
00:16:00,072 --> 00:16:02,571
as the elastic on those
stretched-out underpants.
426
00:16:03,772 --> 00:16:05,772
I'm starting to feel
like this is getting
a little personal.
427
00:16:05,772 --> 00:16:07,605
No, Don, it would be
getting personal
428
00:16:07,605 --> 00:16:09,471
if I would say
that the reason you bounce
429
00:16:09,471 --> 00:16:12,171
from market to market
is because you're a loser--
430
00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:13,338
a lazy,
431
00:16:13,338 --> 00:16:15,605
obnoxious, loser.
432
00:16:18,705 --> 00:16:20,171
The mayor canceled.
433
00:16:20,171 --> 00:16:22,672
In five, four,
434
00:16:22,672 --> 00:16:24,972
three, two...
435
00:16:27,972 --> 00:16:30,072
Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
436
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,438
You think I'm a loser?
437
00:16:31,438 --> 00:16:33,171
You're' right. I'm a loser.
438
00:16:33,171 --> 00:16:34,872
But at least
I've accepted it.
439
00:16:34,872 --> 00:16:37,238
A plucky raccoon has been
cheering up patients
440
00:16:37,238 --> 00:16:39,072
at a local senior center.
441
00:16:39,072 --> 00:16:40,571
I used to be just like that.
442
00:16:40,571 --> 00:16:42,838
Always wanting more
and never getting it.
443
00:16:42,838 --> 00:16:44,972
It's a dead end, Robin.
444
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:47,672
You're never going to be
a network anchor.
445
00:16:47,672 --> 00:16:50,571
Just like you're never
going to quit smoking.
446
00:16:50,571 --> 00:16:52,772
What are you doing?
447
00:16:52,772 --> 00:16:55,139
I'm enjoying a cigarette.
448
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:57,005
Oh, that'll get you there.
449
00:16:57,972 --> 00:16:59,471
Oh, that's good.
450
00:16:59,471 --> 00:17:00,805
You want a drag?
451
00:17:00,805 --> 00:17:02,271
Can we be professionals?
452
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:04,638
Please?
Yeah. Yeah, professionals?
453
00:17:04,638 --> 00:17:06,438
You know who's working
the camera right now?
454
00:17:06,438 --> 00:17:07,605
A chair.
455
00:17:07,605 --> 00:17:08,972
We're on a show
456
00:17:08,972 --> 00:17:11,039
where we can't even get
the cameraman to watch.
457
00:17:11,039 --> 00:17:12,571
That's why the mayor
canceled, Robin.
458
00:17:12,571 --> 00:17:14,705
And that's why Mike
is on a fried chicken run.
459
00:17:14,705 --> 00:17:16,805
And that's why you
and I can enjoy a cigarette
460
00:17:16,805 --> 00:17:18,338
right here on the air.
461
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,238
No, thank you.
462
00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:23,005
Why?
463
00:17:23,005 --> 00:17:25,672
Because of our
millions and millions
of impressionable viewers?
464
00:17:25,672 --> 00:17:28,738
Okay... If any
impressionable viewers
465
00:17:28,738 --> 00:17:30,705
have a problem with this,
please give us a call.
466
00:17:30,705 --> 00:17:32,538
The number's on the screen.
467
00:17:34,805 --> 00:17:37,072
Chirp, chirp?
Chirp, chirp?
468
00:17:37,072 --> 00:17:39,204
Come on, Robin...
469
00:17:39,204 --> 00:17:40,738
live a little.
470
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,772
Oh, that must be Mike.
471
00:17:53,772 --> 00:17:55,238
He always forgets--
extra crispy.
472
00:17:55,238 --> 00:17:56,338
Hello?
473
00:17:56,338 --> 00:17:57,638
Robin, don't smoke
that cigarette!
474
00:17:57,638 --> 00:17:58,605
Marshall?!
475
00:17:58,605 --> 00:17:59,805
We're all watching
476
00:17:59,805 --> 00:18:01,705
and we're all very
impressionable.
477
00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,139
And I swear to God,
if you smoke
478
00:18:03,139 --> 00:18:05,505
that cigarette,
we're all going to smoke.
479
00:18:06,805 --> 00:18:08,304
You...
480
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,204
You guys are watching?
481
00:18:10,204 --> 00:18:13,438
:
We sure are, sweetheart,
and you look fabulous.
482
00:18:13,438 --> 00:18:15,204
Oh, you guys.
483
00:18:15,204 --> 00:18:17,271
You don't have
to do this, Robin.
You don't have to smoke.
484
00:18:17,271 --> 00:18:19,505
Resist it, honey.
485
00:18:19,505 --> 00:18:22,105
Thanks for the call, guys.
486
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:26,338
Oh, she did it!
487
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:27,505
Good for her.
488
00:18:27,505 --> 00:18:28,838
We're not going to smoke.
489
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,972
I have a pack stashed
up on the roof.
490
00:18:38,039 --> 00:18:38,772
Uh-oh.
491
00:18:40,271 --> 00:18:43,204
I'm awake.
And I'm smoking!
492
00:18:43,204 --> 00:18:46,972
Robin, you know how dangerous
it is to wake a sleep smoker?
493
00:18:46,972 --> 00:18:48,672
It's fine.
494
00:18:48,672 --> 00:18:50,605
I bought a pack on my way home.
495
00:18:51,405 --> 00:18:52,805
Hey, great show, Robin.
496
00:18:52,805 --> 00:18:54,105
LILY:
Yeah, but that
497
00:18:54,105 --> 00:18:55,605
Don guy, what a tool.
498
00:18:55,605 --> 00:18:58,204
Well, no, he actually
apologized to me.
499
00:18:58,204 --> 00:18:59,872
No, I mean when
he stood up.
500
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:01,872
Those briefs were
pretty revealing.
501
00:19:01,872 --> 00:19:03,371
You should date that guy.
502
00:19:03,371 --> 00:19:05,204
Yeah.
Not in this lifetime.
503
00:19:05,204 --> 00:19:07,338
NARRATOR:
They were dating
within two months.
504
00:19:07,338 --> 00:19:08,705
But more on that later.
505
00:19:08,705 --> 00:19:11,538
Hey, guys, look,
the sun's coming up.
506
00:19:14,705 --> 00:19:17,105
You know what right now
is a perfect time for?
507
00:19:17,105 --> 00:19:19,505
A last cigarette ever.
508
00:19:19,505 --> 00:19:20,471
No, I mean,
509
00:19:20,471 --> 00:19:23,638
a real last cigarette ever.
510
00:19:25,872 --> 00:19:27,304
Damn it, let's do it.
511
00:19:27,304 --> 00:19:29,238
Okay.
512
00:19:30,672 --> 00:19:32,204
All right.
513
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:33,805
Last cigarette ever
514
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,471
on, uh, on the count of three.
515
00:19:35,471 --> 00:19:38,139
One...
Two...
516
00:19:38,139 --> 00:19:39,405
Three.
517
00:19:39,405 --> 00:19:40,805
I wish I could tell you
518
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:44,039
this was anyone's last
cigarette,but it wasn't.
519
00:19:44,039 --> 00:19:47,238
But we did eventually
all quit smoking for real.
520
00:19:47,238 --> 00:19:51,139
Robin's last cigarette
was in June 2013.
521
00:19:51,139 --> 00:19:55,438
Barney's last cigarette
was in March 2017.
522
00:19:55,438 --> 00:19:57,105
Lily's last cigarette
was the day
523
00:19:57,105 --> 00:19:59,438
she started trying
to get pregnant.
524
00:19:59,438 --> 00:20:00,905
And Marshall's last cigarette
525
00:20:00,905 --> 00:20:03,738
was the day
his son was born.
526
00:20:03,738 --> 00:20:05,304
And my last cigarette?
527
00:20:05,304 --> 00:20:08,338
Two weeks into dating
your mother.
528
00:20:08,339 --> 00:20:09,972
And i'm almost back.
529
00:20:22,150 --> 00:20:23,783
I'm sorry I hit you, buddy.
530
00:20:23,783 --> 00:20:24,751
I wanted to make it
531
00:20:24,751 --> 00:20:27,183
up to you,
by giving you this.
532
00:20:28,783 --> 00:20:30,450
Wow, she's hot!
533
00:20:30,450 --> 00:20:34,384
Yeah. Well... some day,
you're going to marry her.
534
00:20:34,384 --> 00:20:35,651
No way.
535
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:37,916
We're pretty lucky.
536
00:20:37,916 --> 00:20:40,150
Totally.
537
00:20:40,150 --> 00:20:41,517
I'll be in my tent.
538
00:20:44,083 --> 00:20:45,983
Oh, no. Wait, hey!
539
00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:47,651
No, don't, don't do that.
540
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,850
Well...
541
00:20:52,850 --> 00:20:55,020
have fun for me.
542
00:20:55,021 --> 00:21:05,800
Sync: YesCool
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00