Never know
When you're about to meet someone really important.
It's not like life gives you a warning.
You just look up and there they are.
Come on, we're going to go get trashed on the roof.
No, not that dude.
Her.
I'm good, boomer.
My name's not boomer.
Oh, in my head, it is. Gentlemen,
I'm a faculty member, and you're underage,
So it's my duty to confiscate this and this and-
Hard lemonade?
You know what, boomer?
You can keep that.
I swear,
Every week I get asked by some frat guy
To a kegger, and I say,
"i'm a phd candidate writing a dissertation entitled
'foreign direct investment
And intergenerational linkages in consumption behavior.'"
(laughs)
And what does frat guy say to that?
(in deep voice): "that's hot."
(laughs) actually, that is kind of hot.
(laughs)
Ted, I have a confession. Hmm.
I recognize you.
Do you remember the first day of classes last semester?
Econ 305?
Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story.
I thought I was in architecture 101, but it was econ 305.
Of course, what I didn't know was
That your mother was somewhere in that class,
And she thought I was a complete idiot.
I thought you were a complete idiot. (sighs)
But a very cute idiot.
So, um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Almost exclusively.
Transcript by addic7ed.com
She's a phd candidate,
She reads philosophy for fun,
She does the Sunday crossword every week and finishes it.
Ooh. Barney: Wow,
Ted, I am so happy for you - sorry,
Not for you, happy I'm not you.
Long story short: I have a date tonight.
Oh, yay. (hooting and hollering from the street)
(chuckles) hmm?
Thanks, new york, I'll try not to screw it up.
What's going on?
There's a huge line outside maclaren's.
And why is it almost entirely dudes?
Only two things could cause that kind of commotion.
Boobs.
? she's my cherry pie... ?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Maclaren's has hired a hot bartender.
? sweet cherry pie, yeah. ?
Look at all these guys.
(groans)
The sidewalk's going to smell like pee-pee now.
Well, we'd better start looking for a new bar.
What, are you- what, are you- are you crazy?
It is a hot bartender.
Do you know how long I have been waiting to land a...
My friends, I have been with many women in my day.
Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors,
Professional equestrians, amateur equestrians...
A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker-
Yes, we're to the rhyming section now-
A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser...
A puppeteer,
A blackjack dealer,
A stay-at-home mom- that's a job, too, guys-
A circuit court judge...
Get to the point!
I have never, ever scored a hot bartender
Until tonight.
She's really not that hot.
Aw, is someone jealous of all the attention?
Did somebody fancy herself the hottest girl in the bar?
Gosh, no. Shut up!
All right, wish me luck.
All right, it's never going to happen.
Barney, she's just going
To pretend to like you
The same way she hypnotized all these geniuses.
Yeah, but guess who's not going to fall under her spell?
I'm gonna be all, "drop the act, baby doll.
Daddy needs a gin and tonic."
Then when she brings it,
I'm gonna just spit it out and say, "try again."
Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs:
On top, then after a few minutes, on the bottom.
Why should I do all the work?
Hi, marshall. Guys, what's happening?
New superhot bartender.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
(scoffing): Eh.
Ha, ha, see?
Marshall doesn't think she's hot either.
Yes, he does.
Baby, you don't have to pretend
Other women aren't attractive just for my sake.
I know, and if that woman were anywhere near as hot
As the woman I'm married to, then I'd admit it,
But she's not.
Oh, baby, you're so sweet, but compared to that woman,
I am a big bag of three-day-old garbage.
Well, I call 'em
Like I see 'em, and...
I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world.
See, that's just annoying.
Oh, my god, you are so funny.
That'll be $6.75.
Here's a 50, keep the change.
Oh, thank you.
Amateurs.
Hey.
What do you want? Drop the act, baby doll-
Wait, what? Are you gonna order
A drink or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Um...
I don't know how to make an um.
Is that equal parts vodka and get-the-hell-out-of-my face?
Hey, bobby!
What's going on?
Later that night, I embarked
Upon a very important first date.
How are you? Good. Come in.
It's funny, sometimes you walk into a place
You've never been before, but you get the feeling
You're exactly where you're supposed to be.
And kids, that's the first time I ever saw
Your mother's little yellow bus.
You know the one.
It's right behind you.
Hey, this is cute.
Actually, it's my roommate's.
As, kids, standing in your mother's apartment,
Never mind the fact that I was on a date with her roommate
Cindy.
Sorry, I shouldn't be messing
With your roommate's stuff.
(chuckles) what's she like?
I didn't know it, but I was about to hear
The very first description of the woman I'd one day marry.
She's a whore.
I think she's a dominatrix. What?
Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true.
I have a bit
Of a roommate complex. Why?
Guys are always falling in love with her.
Hey, hey, look at me.
I promise you
I am not going to fall in love with your roommate.
Oops.
Okay, now that you've had a closer look, admit it:
That bartender is the hottest woman in this bar.
(coughing): Second hottest.
I repeat...
Eh. (sighs)
Baby, how could you not want to hit that?
I want to hit that.
If you don't want to hit that,
I'm sorry, but you might be gay.
Hell, yeah, I'm gay.
Gay for you.
Whatever. Did you find out why
I'm the one guy in this entire bar she seems to despise?
I did, um...
You're not going to like the answer.
My last three boyfriends were wall street guys- bastards-
So I vowed
Never again to date
A guy who wears suits.
Huh.
Okay, well, that's easy.
All I have to do is stop wearing suits. Oh,
That's all, barney?
Come on, you're never not in a suit.
True... But for those- I mean, for that-
I mean, for her...
I will stop wearing-
Wait for it...
We know you're going to say "suits."
...Suits.
(both gasp)
Meanwhile, cindy and I
Were having a lovely evening,
Except she wasn't kidding about her roommate complex.
And another weird thing about my roommate:
She does these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports.
Yeah, that is weird.
I was lying.
That sounded awesome.
Your mother's robot volleyball watercolor
Is hanging up in the den as we speak.
Yeah,
And she has this crazy habit
Of making breakfast food sing show tunes.
That's just bizarre.
Your mother's rendition of "memories"
As performed by an english muffin is, to this day,
The most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Look, I'm sold.
I hate this girl.
I'm sorry.
Look, she's not that bad.
I just get a little jealous.
I don't know why.
You're awesome.
But not as awesome as your mother.
And speaking of things that are less awesome,
Your uncle barney had officially suited down.
I am so sorry
I misjudged you.
If there is
One type of person
That I cannot stand,
It is a man in a suit.
(shudders)
That and a woman who has no respect
For herself. (shudders)
Yeah.
Suits and insecure women - I hate 'em.
Just hate 'em.
Hey. Hey. Hey, how was
Your date with cindy?
Well, last night was great, today not so much.
What, why?
I found out the school's policy
About students and professors dating is really strict.
I could lose my scholarship.
Yeah, but I-it's not like you're in my class.
I mean, we're not even in the same department.
I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it.
(sighs)
She's completely overreacting, right?
Actually, ted, she has a point.
Lily: Yeah, and think about it.
If the rules are that strict,
You could be putting your job in jeopardy.
I think, I think you got to let this one go, buddy.
Let's try this again:
She's completely overreacting, right?
Of course, they were right.
I had to let it go,
But as your uncle barney was about to find out,
It's not so easy to let things go.
(indistinct, creepy whispering)
(eerie whispering): Suit up.
Narrator: Now, none of us had ever seen
Barney go this long without suiting up,
And kids, it wasn't pretty.
So sorry I'm late.
I got stuck at work.
You know how today I had that presentation
On offshore dividend tax implications?
Sure, I was totally paying attention
When you talked about that.
Right, so I fire up the powerpoint...
Um, barney?
Barney. Aah.
(panting)
(sighs)
(eerie whispering): Suit up.
? ?
Marshall: Hey, barney, we're going to order some food.
Okay, be out in a sec.
Okay.
(ripping)
No.
Out of the way!
Stay with me.
It's not your time.
Narrator: If anyone could fix something like this,
It was barney's personal tailor,
Tv's tim gunn.
I'm sorry, barney.
I couldn't make it work.
(sobbing)
So young.
There's nothing else you could do?
No, but there is another suit
That can use the buttons from your suit.
That can...
Like an organ donor?
Your suit's death could mean another suit's life.
But I...
Do it.
You're doing the right thing.
(sobbing and muttering)
Please don't cry on this.
It's silk. I'm sorry.
I know. I know.
We cremated the remains.
His buttons saved the life
Of a sick little jacket on the upper east side.
Well, at least now you can finally drop this quest
For the so-called hot bartender.
No.
My suit gave its life
For this cause,
And I will not rest until those...
I mean, that...
I mean, she... Is mine.
He's absolutely right.
Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes - that guy?
What if cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry,
And I'm just giving up?
So long, elegant, yet welcoming home in westchester
With a sensible mortgage I can handle
Without dipping into my savings.
Bye-bye, two kids I raised with a stern, yet loving hand,
Finding the perfect balance between
Father and friend.
Adios, triplet schnauzers, frank, lloyd and wright.
Ted! Ted! Ted!
The point is,
I'm not giving up, either!
Ooh. Ooh.
I don't know why I just did that.
Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend.
Tell me about him.
(laughs) he was italian.
Classy, elegant.
And boy, did he have a way with the ladies.
They just couldn't say no.
How old was he? Seven.
I miss him so much!
You shouldn't be alone tonight.
I'm gonna end my shift early.
Thank you, old friend.
(voice breaking): You're going out with a bang.
Lily: Come on, marshall.
Just admit that she's hotter than me.
I won't be hurt.
Can't do it.
You're hotter.
Oh, she's a goddess!
Her skin glows.
Her legs go for miles.
And that ass?
I would wear that thing for a hat.
Last night in bed, I'll admit it,
She popped into my head a couple of times.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you try...?
Like, you think she's hotter than me?
I never said that.
Marshall: Oh, my god!
You do.
It's apples and oranges.
She's younger than you.
I'm just saying, like,
Me in my prime versus her in her prime.
Well...
Oh, my god!
You guys, her hotness isn't even real!
It's circumstantial hotness.
Watch.
? she's my cherry pie ?
? cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise ?
? taste so good, make a grown man cry... ?
I - I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.
? wow! ?
What the hell are you doing?! What?
You're not allowed back here.
Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look.
No. I-I don't want to go back.
Please, please, don't make me go back.
You got to go. Don't. I...
You got to go. I just...
No, carl. I was... I was somebody back there!
Everybody loved me.
(knocking)
Hey. Hi.
Can we talk?
My roommate's just about to get out of the shower.
Let's talk in my room.
Okay.
(water running)
(sighs)
Look, cindy, I know
The university rulebook says we can't date.
But it also says, "don't teach drunk,"
And I do that all the time.
The point is,
I like you.
I do.
You're sweet, you're funny.
You're writing a dissertation
Entitled,
Foreign direct investment
And intergenerational linkages and consumption behavior.
I mean, that is hot.
I know this sounds crazy, but...
I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow.
And I don't want to miss out on knowing you.
I don't want to miss out on knowing you, either.
Look, I got to tell you,
I mean, just from looking around your room,
I can tell we have a ton in common.
Really?
The unicorns?
Who will cut our hair when we're gone?
I have never met anyone else who has this album.
That's my roommate's. I borrowed it.
Oh.
Well, well, what about this?
World's end by t.C. Boyle?
That was a birthday gift... From my roommate.
Haven't checked it out yet.
Oh. Oh, you should.
It's-it's a good read.
Well, what about this? This is ridiculous.
You play bass?
Seriously, ask my friends.
I always say, my ideal woman...
Does not play bass, because this is clearly your roommate's.
She's in a band.
(sotto voce): Damn, that's cool.
This is unbelievable.
You just picked out the only three things in here
That are my roommate's.
So, does your roommate's band ever play shows, or...? Get out.
Narrator: Kids, as you probably guessed,
That wasn't the night I met your mother.
Although I think I glimpsed her foot.
But I did get a little bit closer
To meeting the woman of my dreams.
And your mom-
Well, she got her yellow umbrella back.
It was just so special, you know?
I feel like we should give him a moment of silence.
Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting.
I'm gonna make you feel all better.
(laughs)
Let me just go freshen up.
All right.
Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom!
That...
Are these yours?
I'm suit-sitting for someone.
Barney, you lied to me.
(sighs)
You have to choose right now.
Me... Or the suits.
(music intro begins)
? I know what you're thinkin', "what's barney been drinkin'?" ?
? that girl was smokin' hot! ?
? yes, I coulda nailed her, but no, it's not a failure ?
? 'cause there's one thing she is not ?
? to score a ten would be just fine ?
? but I'd rather be dressed to the nines ?
? it's a truth you can't refute ?
? nothin' suits me like a suit! ?
? picture a world ?
? where all the boys and girls are impeccably well-dressed! ?
? that delivery guy in a jacket and tie ?
? that puppy in a double breast! ?
? that eighties dude with muttonchops ?
? that baby with a lollipop! ?
? that lady cop who's kinda cute ?
? nothing suits them like a suit! ?
? suits! ? ? a wingman I can wear! ?
? suits! ? ? they're, oh, so debonair ?
? suits! ?
? the perfect way to snare a girl with daddy issues ?
? suits! ? ? in navy blue or black! ?
? check out this perfect rack ?
? I want to give them a squeeze ?
Oh, really!
? then answer these questions ?
? if you please ?
? what would you do if you had to choose ?
? between your suits and a pot of gold? ?
? suits ?
? what would you say if you gave your suits away ?
? and in return you'd never grow old? ?
? suits ?
? what would you pick: One million chicks ?
? or a single three-piece suit?
It's moot.
? what if world peace were within your reach? ?
(stammering): I'm gonna stop you right there.
It's suits.
Come on, lily, get your head out of your ass.
Two, three, four!
? girls will go and girls will come ?
? but there's only one absolute! ?
? every bro on the go needs to know ?
? that there's no accepted substitute! ?
? I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends ?
? my Sunday best are my best friends! ?
? send casual Friday down the laundry chute ?
? 'cause nothing suits the undisputed ?
? oft-saluted suitor of repute ?
? like... ?
? a... ?
Wait for it.
? suit... ?
? nothing suits him ?
? like... A... ? ? suit... ?
? suit! Up! Suit! Up! ?
? suit up! Suit up! ?
? suit...! ?
Then again, she is pretty hot.
I choose you, baby.
First thing tomorrow, I'm getting rid of these suits.
Really?
Yeah.
Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
(whispers): You guys are fine.
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