1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:03,067
Never know
2
00:00:03,068 --> 00:00:04,903
When you're about to meet
someone really important.
3
00:00:04,904 --> 00:00:07,205
It's not like life
gives you a warning.
4
00:00:07,206 --> 00:00:09,882
You just look up
and there they are.
5
00:00:09,917 --> 00:00:12,974
Come on, we're going to
go get trashed on the roof.
6
00:00:12,975 --> 00:00:14,271
No, not that dude.
7
00:00:14,272 --> 00:00:17,142
Her.
8
00:00:17,746 --> 00:00:19,615
I'm good, boomer.
9
00:00:19,616 --> 00:00:20,917
My name's not boomer.
10
00:00:20,918 --> 00:00:23,057
Oh, in my head,
it is. Gentlemen,
11
00:00:23,058 --> 00:00:25,901
I'm a faculty member,
and you're underage,
12
00:00:25,902 --> 00:00:30,911
So it's my duty to
confiscate this and this and-
13
00:00:30,912 --> 00:00:32,044
Hard lemonade?
14
00:00:32,045 --> 00:00:33,312
You know what, boomer?
15
00:00:33,313 --> 00:00:34,414
You can keep that.
16
00:00:34,415 --> 00:00:35,714
I swear,
17
00:00:35,715 --> 00:00:37,316
Every week I get
asked by some frat guy
18
00:00:37,317 --> 00:00:38,955
To a kegger, and I say,
19
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:41,523
"i'm a phd candidate writing
a dissertation entitled
20
00:00:41,524 --> 00:00:42,857
'foreign direct investment
21
00:00:42,858 --> 00:00:44,691
And intergenerational linkages
in consumption behavior.'"
22
00:00:44,692 --> 00:00:45,626
(laughs)
23
00:00:45,627 --> 00:00:47,929
And what does frat
guy say to that?
24
00:00:47,930 --> 00:00:49,363
(in deep voice): "that's hot."
25
00:00:49,364 --> 00:00:51,666
(laughs) actually,
that is kind of hot.
26
00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:52,900
(laughs)
27
00:00:53,568 --> 00:00:55,903
Ted, I have a confession. Hmm.
28
00:00:55,904 --> 00:00:57,304
I recognize you.
29
00:00:57,305 --> 00:00:59,974
Do you remember the first
day of classes last semester?
30
00:00:59,975 --> 00:01:01,843
Econ 305?
31
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:05,314
Kids, you remember the
wrong classroom story.
32
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:08,785
I thought I was in architecture
101, but it was econ 305.
33
00:01:08,786 --> 00:01:10,622
Of course, what
I didn't know was
34
00:01:10,623 --> 00:01:13,092
That your mother was
somewhere in that class,
35
00:01:13,093 --> 00:01:15,928
And she thought I
was a complete idiot.
36
00:01:15,929 --> 00:01:18,531
I thought you were a
complete idiot. (sighs)
37
00:01:18,532 --> 00:01:20,834
But a very cute idiot.
38
00:01:22,439 --> 00:01:26,542
So, um, do you ever
date cute idiots?
39
00:01:26,543 --> 00:01:29,446
Almost exclusively.
40
00:01:29,447 --> 00:01:30,447
Transcript by addic7ed.com
41
00:01:42,395 --> 00:01:44,130
She's a phd candidate,
42
00:01:44,131 --> 00:01:45,832
She reads philosophy for fun,
43
00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:49,938
She does the Sunday crossword
every week and finishes it.
44
00:01:49,939 --> 00:01:51,273
Ooh. Barney: Wow,
45
00:01:51,274 --> 00:01:53,842
Ted, I am so happy for you
- sorry,
46
00:01:53,843 --> 00:01:56,512
Not for you,
happy I'm not you.
47
00:01:56,513 --> 00:01:59,482
Long story short: I
have a date tonight.
48
00:01:59,483 --> 00:02:01,283
Oh, yay. (hooting and
hollering from the street)
49
00:02:01,284 --> 00:02:03,652
(chuckles) hmm?
50
00:02:03,653 --> 00:02:06,822
Thanks, new york, I'll
try not to screw it up.
51
00:02:08,591 --> 00:02:09,691
What's going on?
52
00:02:09,692 --> 00:02:11,159
There's a huge line
outside maclaren's.
53
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,828
And why is it almost
entirely dudes?
54
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:17,431
Only two things could cause
that kind of commotion.
55
00:02:17,432 --> 00:02:18,565
Boobs.
56
00:02:18,566 --> 00:02:21,335
? she's my cherry pie... ?
57
00:02:21,336 --> 00:02:23,105
Ladies and gentlemen,
58
00:02:23,106 --> 00:02:27,009
Maclaren's has hired
a hot bartender.
59
00:02:27,010 --> 00:02:30,979
? sweet cherry
pie, yeah. ?
60
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,681
Look at all these guys.
61
00:02:32,682 --> 00:02:33,915
(groans)
62
00:02:33,916 --> 00:02:36,685
The sidewalk's going to
smell like pee-pee now.
63
00:02:36,686 --> 00:02:38,887
Well, we'd better start
looking for a new bar.
64
00:02:38,888 --> 00:02:40,790
What, are you- what,
are you- are you crazy?
65
00:02:40,791 --> 00:02:43,493
It is a hot bartender.
66
00:02:43,494 --> 00:02:47,398
Do you know how long I have
been waiting to land a...
67
00:02:47,399 --> 00:02:50,934
My friends, I have been
with many women in my day.
68
00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:56,206
Lawyers, teachers,
poets, doctors,
69
00:02:56,207 --> 00:02:59,843
Professional equestrians,
amateur equestrians...
70
00:02:59,844 --> 00:03:03,380
A butcher, a baker,
a candlestick maker-
71
00:03:03,381 --> 00:03:05,149
Yes, we're to the
rhyming section now-
72
00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:10,220
A math professor, a tax
assessor, a weight guesser...
73
00:03:10,221 --> 00:03:12,022
A puppeteer,
74
00:03:12,023 --> 00:03:13,323
A blackjack dealer,
75
00:03:13,324 --> 00:03:16,092
A stay-at-home mom-
that's a job, too, guys-
76
00:03:16,093 --> 00:03:17,560
A circuit court judge...
77
00:03:17,561 --> 00:03:18,661
Get to the point!
78
00:03:18,662 --> 00:03:23,700
I have never, ever
scored a hot bartender
79
00:03:23,701 --> 00:03:25,836
Until tonight.
80
00:03:25,837 --> 00:03:27,571
She's really not that hot.
81
00:03:27,572 --> 00:03:30,775
Aw, is someone jealous
of all the attention?
82
00:03:30,776 --> 00:03:33,377
Did somebody fancy herself
the hottest girl in the bar?
83
00:03:33,378 --> 00:03:37,615
Gosh, no. Shut up!
84
00:03:37,616 --> 00:03:39,149
All right, wish me luck.
85
00:03:39,150 --> 00:03:40,585
All right, it's
never going to happen.
86
00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:41,585
Barney, she's just going
87
00:03:41,586 --> 00:03:42,787
To pretend to like you
88
00:03:42,788 --> 00:03:45,323
The same way she hypnotized
all these geniuses.
89
00:03:45,324 --> 00:03:47,491
Yeah, but guess who's not
going to fall under her spell?
90
00:03:47,492 --> 00:03:49,460
I'm gonna be all, "drop
the act, baby doll.
91
00:03:49,461 --> 00:03:50,761
Daddy needs a gin and tonic."
92
00:03:50,762 --> 00:03:51,995
Then when she brings it,
93
00:03:51,996 --> 00:03:54,498
I'm gonna just spit it
out and say, "try again."
94
00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:57,200
Boom! Alpha dog is
right where he belongs:
95
00:03:57,201 --> 00:04:00,604
On top, then after a few
minutes, on the bottom.
96
00:04:00,605 --> 00:04:01,938
Why should I do all the work?
97
00:04:01,939 --> 00:04:05,576
Hi, marshall. Guys,
what's happening?
98
00:04:05,577 --> 00:04:07,578
New superhot bartender.
99
00:04:07,579 --> 00:04:08,846
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
100
00:04:08,847 --> 00:04:11,315
(scoffing): Eh.
101
00:04:11,316 --> 00:04:12,451
Ha, ha, see?
102
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:13,885
Marshall doesn't
think she's hot either.
103
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:15,853
Yes, he does.
104
00:04:15,854 --> 00:04:17,288
Baby, you don't
have to pretend
105
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:20,058
Other women aren't
attractive just for my sake.
106
00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:23,061
I know, and if that woman
were anywhere near as hot
107
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,163
As the woman I'm married
to, then I'd admit it,
108
00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:26,464
But she's not.
109
00:04:26,465 --> 00:04:30,201
Oh, baby, you're so sweet,
but compared to that woman,
110
00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:32,737
I am a big bag of
three-day-old garbage.
111
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,040
Well, I call 'em
112
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,575
Like I see 'em, and...
113
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:39,478
I just think you're the most
beautiful woman in the world.
114
00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:42,247
See, that's just annoying.
115
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:45,050
Oh, my god, you are so funny.
116
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:46,985
That'll be $6.75.
117
00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,787
Here's a 50, keep the change.
118
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,389
Oh, thank you.
119
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,558
Amateurs.
120
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:53,692
Hey.
121
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,360
What do you want? Drop
the act, baby doll-
122
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:57,496
Wait, what? Are
you gonna order
123
00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,798
A drink or are you just gonna
stand there looking stupid?
124
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:01,266
Um...
125
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:02,568
I don't know how
to make an um.
126
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:05,303
Is that equal parts vodka and
get-the-hell-out-of-my face?
127
00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:08,106
Hey, bobby!
128
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:09,707
What's going on?
129
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:11,108
Later that night, I embarked
130
00:05:11,109 --> 00:05:13,443
Upon a very
important first date.
131
00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:14,744
How are you? Good. Come in.
132
00:05:14,745 --> 00:05:16,946
It's funny, sometimes
you walk into a place
133
00:05:16,947 --> 00:05:20,316
You've never been before,
but you get the feeling
134
00:05:20,317 --> 00:05:23,719
You're exactly where
you're supposed to be.
135
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,155
And kids, that's the
first time I ever saw
136
00:05:26,156 --> 00:05:28,625
Your mother's
little yellow bus.
137
00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:30,160
You know the one.
138
00:05:30,161 --> 00:05:32,362
It's right behind you.
139
00:05:35,299 --> 00:05:37,834
Hey, this is cute.
140
00:05:37,835 --> 00:05:40,203
Actually, it's my roommate's.
141
00:05:43,420 --> 00:05:46,121
As, kids, standing in
your mother's apartment,
142
00:05:46,122 --> 00:05:48,157
Never mind the fact that I
was on a date with her roommate
143
00:05:48,158 --> 00:05:49,358
Cindy.
144
00:05:49,359 --> 00:05:51,326
Sorry, I shouldn't be messing
145
00:05:51,327 --> 00:05:52,928
With your roommate's stuff.
146
00:05:52,929 --> 00:05:54,796
(chuckles) what's she like?
147
00:05:54,797 --> 00:05:56,865
I didn't know it, but
I was about to hear
148
00:05:56,866 --> 00:06:00,335
The very first description of
the woman I'd one day marry.
149
00:06:00,336 --> 00:06:02,070
She's a whore.
150
00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:05,006
I think she's a
dominatrix. What?
151
00:06:05,007 --> 00:06:08,410
Okay, I'm sorry,
none of that is true.
152
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:09,511
I have a bit
153
00:06:09,512 --> 00:06:11,746
Of a roommate complex. Why?
154
00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:14,683
Guys are always falling
in love with her.
155
00:06:14,684 --> 00:06:16,851
Hey, hey, look at me.
156
00:06:16,852 --> 00:06:18,886
I promise you
157
00:06:18,887 --> 00:06:21,255
I am not going to fall in
love with your roommate.
158
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:23,524
Oops.
159
00:06:23,525 --> 00:06:26,360
Okay, now that you've had
a closer look, admit it:
160
00:06:26,361 --> 00:06:29,964
That bartender is the
hottest woman in this bar.
161
00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:32,165
(coughing): Second hottest.
162
00:06:32,533 --> 00:06:34,167
I repeat...
163
00:06:34,168 --> 00:06:35,669
Eh. (sighs)
164
00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:38,338
Baby, how could you
not want to hit that?
165
00:06:38,339 --> 00:06:39,672
I want to hit that.
166
00:06:39,673 --> 00:06:41,107
If you don't want to hit that,
167
00:06:41,108 --> 00:06:43,543
I'm sorry, but
you might be gay.
168
00:06:43,544 --> 00:06:45,211
Hell, yeah, I'm gay.
169
00:06:45,212 --> 00:06:47,113
Gay for you.
170
00:06:47,114 --> 00:06:48,715
Whatever. Did you find out why
171
00:06:48,716 --> 00:06:52,251
I'm the one guy in this entire
bar she seems to despise?
172
00:06:52,252 --> 00:06:54,086
I did, um...
173
00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:56,054
You're not going
to like the answer.
174
00:06:56,055 --> 00:07:00,358
My last three boyfriends were
wall street guys- bastards-
175
00:07:00,359 --> 00:07:01,426
So I vowed
176
00:07:01,427 --> 00:07:02,760
Never again to date
177
00:07:02,761 --> 00:07:04,362
A guy who wears suits.
178
00:07:04,363 --> 00:07:06,164
Huh.
179
00:07:06,165 --> 00:07:07,332
Okay, well, that's easy.
180
00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:09,534
All I have to do is
stop wearing suits. Oh,
181
00:07:09,535 --> 00:07:10,736
That's all, barney?
182
00:07:10,737 --> 00:07:13,272
Come on, you're
never not in a suit.
183
00:07:15,542 --> 00:07:20,046
True... But for those-
I mean, for that-
184
00:07:20,047 --> 00:07:22,215
I mean, for her...
185
00:07:22,216 --> 00:07:25,785
I will stop wearing-
186
00:07:25,786 --> 00:07:26,886
Wait for it...
187
00:07:26,887 --> 00:07:28,387
We know you're
going to say "suits."
188
00:07:28,388 --> 00:07:30,556
...Suits.
189
00:07:30,557 --> 00:07:31,756
(both gasp)
190
00:07:31,757 --> 00:07:32,890
Meanwhile, cindy and I
191
00:07:32,891 --> 00:07:34,359
Were having a lovely evening,
192
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,727
Except she wasn't kidding
about her roommate complex.
193
00:07:36,728 --> 00:07:38,695
And another weird
thing about my roommate:
194
00:07:38,696 --> 00:07:42,232
She does these bizarre paintings
of robots playing sports.
195
00:07:42,233 --> 00:07:44,467
Yeah, that is weird.
196
00:07:44,468 --> 00:07:45,468
I was lying.
197
00:07:45,469 --> 00:07:46,703
That sounded awesome.
198
00:07:46,704 --> 00:07:48,137
Your mother's robot
volleyball watercolor
199
00:07:48,138 --> 00:07:50,339
Is hanging up in
the den as we speak.
200
00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:51,340
Yeah,
201
00:07:51,341 --> 00:07:53,142
And she has this crazy habit
202
00:07:53,143 --> 00:07:55,778
Of making breakfast
food sing show tunes.
203
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,246
That's just bizarre.
204
00:07:57,247 --> 00:07:58,781
Your mother's
rendition of "memories"
205
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:01,483
As performed by an english
muffin is, to this day,
206
00:08:01,484 --> 00:08:05,820
The most hauntingly beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
207
00:08:05,821 --> 00:08:07,755
Look, I'm sold.
208
00:08:07,756 --> 00:08:09,156
I hate this girl.
209
00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:10,724
I'm sorry.
210
00:08:10,725 --> 00:08:11,759
Look, she's not that bad.
211
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,527
I just get a little jealous.
212
00:08:13,528 --> 00:08:15,428
I don't know why.
213
00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:16,429
You're awesome.
214
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:19,565
But not as awesome
as your mother.
215
00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:21,734
And speaking of things
that are less awesome,
216
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:24,469
Your uncle barney had
officially suited down.
217
00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:26,171
I am so sorry
218
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,607
I misjudged you.
219
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:28,608
If there is
220
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:29,776
One type of person
221
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,044
That I cannot stand,
222
00:08:31,045 --> 00:08:32,479
It is a man in a suit.
223
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:33,580
(shudders)
224
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,316
That and a woman
who has no respect
225
00:08:35,317 --> 00:08:36,551
For herself. (shudders)
226
00:08:36,552 --> 00:08:38,453
Yeah.
227
00:08:38,454 --> 00:08:42,224
Suits and insecure women
- I hate 'em.
228
00:08:42,225 --> 00:08:44,726
Just hate 'em.
229
00:08:46,262 --> 00:08:47,395
Hey. Hey. Hey, how was
230
00:08:47,396 --> 00:08:48,864
Your date with cindy?
231
00:08:48,865 --> 00:08:52,100
Well, last night was
great, today not so much.
232
00:08:52,101 --> 00:08:53,568
What, why?
233
00:08:53,569 --> 00:08:54,836
I found out the
school's policy
234
00:08:54,837 --> 00:08:58,806
About students and professors
dating is really strict.
235
00:08:58,807 --> 00:09:00,474
I could lose my scholarship.
236
00:09:00,475 --> 00:09:02,743
Yeah, but I-it's not
like you're in my class.
237
00:09:02,744 --> 00:09:05,078
I mean, we're not even
in the same department.
238
00:09:05,079 --> 00:09:07,582
I'm sorry, but I
just can't risk it.
239
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:08,883
(sighs)
240
00:09:08,884 --> 00:09:11,219
She's completely
overreacting, right?
241
00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:12,553
Actually, ted,
she has a point.
242
00:09:12,554 --> 00:09:13,921
Lily: Yeah, and
think about it.
243
00:09:13,922 --> 00:09:15,657
If the rules are that strict,
244
00:09:15,658 --> 00:09:18,260
You could be putting
your job in jeopardy.
245
00:09:18,261 --> 00:09:21,196
I think, I think you got
to let this one go, buddy.
246
00:09:21,197 --> 00:09:22,398
Let's try this again:
247
00:09:22,399 --> 00:09:24,967
She's completely
overreacting, right?
248
00:09:24,968 --> 00:09:26,034
Of course, they were right.
249
00:09:26,035 --> 00:09:28,237
I had to let it go,
250
00:09:28,238 --> 00:09:29,806
But as your uncle barney
was about to find out,
251
00:09:29,807 --> 00:09:32,508
It's not so easy
to let things go.
252
00:09:32,509 --> 00:09:34,677
(indistinct,
creepy whispering)
253
00:09:43,353 --> 00:09:45,655
(eerie whispering): Suit up.
254
00:09:45,656 --> 00:09:47,957
Narrator: Now, none
of us had ever seen
255
00:09:47,958 --> 00:09:50,693
Barney go this long
without suiting up,
256
00:09:50,694 --> 00:09:53,129
And kids, it wasn't pretty.
257
00:09:53,130 --> 00:09:54,530
So sorry I'm late.
258
00:09:54,531 --> 00:09:56,098
I got stuck at work.
259
00:09:56,099 --> 00:09:57,566
You know how today I
had that presentation
260
00:09:57,567 --> 00:10:00,269
On offshore dividend
tax implications?
261
00:10:00,270 --> 00:10:01,770
Sure, I was totally
paying attention
262
00:10:01,771 --> 00:10:03,305
When you talked about that.
263
00:10:03,306 --> 00:10:06,208
Right, so I fire
up the powerpoint...
264
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,449
Um, barney?
265
00:10:15,084 --> 00:10:17,319
Barney. Aah.
266
00:10:19,256 --> 00:10:21,457
(panting)
267
00:10:23,627 --> 00:10:26,261
(sighs)
268
00:10:30,967 --> 00:10:33,435
(eerie whispering): Suit up.
269
00:10:34,203 --> 00:10:35,970
? ?
270
00:10:49,551 --> 00:10:51,586
Marshall: Hey, barney, we're
going to order some food.
271
00:10:51,587 --> 00:10:52,821
Okay, be out in a sec.
272
00:10:52,822 --> 00:10:54,956
Okay.
273
00:10:55,792 --> 00:10:58,494
Okay.
274
00:10:58,495 --> 00:11:00,496
(ripping)
275
00:11:00,497 --> 00:11:02,598
No.
276
00:11:02,599 --> 00:11:03,833
Out of the way!
277
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:05,067
Stay with me.
278
00:11:05,068 --> 00:11:06,602
It's not your time.
279
00:11:06,603 --> 00:11:08,938
Narrator: If anyone could
fix something like this,
280
00:11:08,939 --> 00:11:10,640
It was barney's
personal tailor,
281
00:11:10,641 --> 00:11:12,475
Tv's tim gunn.
282
00:11:12,476 --> 00:11:14,310
I'm sorry, barney.
283
00:11:14,311 --> 00:11:16,546
I couldn't make it work.
284
00:11:16,547 --> 00:11:18,615
(sobbing)
285
00:11:18,616 --> 00:11:21,051
So young.
286
00:11:21,052 --> 00:11:22,852
There's nothing
else you could do?
287
00:11:22,853 --> 00:11:25,488
No, but there is another suit
288
00:11:25,489 --> 00:11:27,824
That can use the
buttons from your suit.
289
00:11:27,825 --> 00:11:29,226
That can...
290
00:11:29,227 --> 00:11:31,094
Like an organ donor?
291
00:11:31,095 --> 00:11:34,731
Your suit's death could
mean another suit's life.
292
00:11:34,732 --> 00:11:37,668
But I...
293
00:11:39,237 --> 00:11:40,671
Do it.
294
00:11:40,672 --> 00:11:42,773
You're doing the right thing.
295
00:11:42,774 --> 00:11:44,942
(sobbing and muttering)
296
00:11:45,977 --> 00:11:48,211
Please don't cry on this.
297
00:11:48,212 --> 00:11:50,079
It's silk. I'm sorry.
298
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,247
I know. I know.
299
00:11:55,053 --> 00:11:57,454
We cremated the remains.
300
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,590
His buttons saved the life
301
00:11:59,591 --> 00:12:02,393
Of a sick little jacket
on the upper east side.
302
00:12:03,462 --> 00:12:06,497
Well, at least now you
can finally drop this quest
303
00:12:06,498 --> 00:12:08,533
For the so-called
hot bartender.
304
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:09,534
No.
305
00:12:10,069 --> 00:12:12,302
My suit gave its life
306
00:12:12,303 --> 00:12:13,904
For this cause,
307
00:12:13,905 --> 00:12:17,307
And I will not
rest until those...
308
00:12:17,308 --> 00:12:18,608
I mean, that...
309
00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:21,977
I mean, she... Is mine.
310
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,783
He's absolutely right.
311
00:12:27,784 --> 00:12:31,354
Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes
- that guy?
312
00:12:31,355 --> 00:12:33,523
What if cindy is the woman
I'm supposed to marry,
313
00:12:33,524 --> 00:12:35,525
And I'm just giving up?
314
00:12:35,526 --> 00:12:37,894
So long, elegant, yet
welcoming home in westchester
315
00:12:37,895 --> 00:12:39,730
With a sensible
mortgage I can handle
316
00:12:39,731 --> 00:12:41,265
Without dipping
into my savings.
317
00:12:41,266 --> 00:12:44,235
Bye-bye, two kids I raised
with a stern, yet loving hand,
318
00:12:44,236 --> 00:12:45,669
Finding the perfect
balance between
319
00:12:45,670 --> 00:12:46,904
Father and friend.
320
00:12:46,905 --> 00:12:50,373
Adios, triplet schnauzers,
frank, lloyd and wright.
321
00:12:50,374 --> 00:12:51,407
Ted! Ted! Ted!
322
00:12:51,408 --> 00:12:53,108
The point is,
323
00:12:53,109 --> 00:12:54,877
I'm not giving up, either!
324
00:12:56,780 --> 00:12:58,246
Ooh. Ooh.
325
00:12:58,247 --> 00:13:00,581
I don't know why
I just did that.
326
00:13:02,851 --> 00:13:06,286
Barney, I'm so sorry
about your friend.
327
00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:07,454
Tell me about him.
328
00:13:07,455 --> 00:13:09,590
(laughs) he was italian.
329
00:13:09,591 --> 00:13:12,126
Classy, elegant.
330
00:13:12,127 --> 00:13:14,996
And boy, did he have
a way with the ladies.
331
00:13:14,997 --> 00:13:16,865
They just couldn't say no.
332
00:13:16,866 --> 00:13:18,601
How old was he? Seven.
333
00:13:19,870 --> 00:13:22,138
I miss him so much!
334
00:13:22,139 --> 00:13:24,574
You shouldn't
be alone tonight.
335
00:13:24,575 --> 00:13:26,743
I'm gonna end my shift early.
336
00:13:29,013 --> 00:13:30,847
Thank you, old friend.
337
00:13:30,848 --> 00:13:33,449
(voice breaking): You're
going out with a bang.
338
00:13:34,251 --> 00:13:36,285
Lily: Come on, marshall.
339
00:13:36,286 --> 00:13:38,253
Just admit that
she's hotter than me.
340
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,854
I won't be hurt.
341
00:13:39,855 --> 00:13:40,988
Can't do it.
342
00:13:40,989 --> 00:13:42,189
You're hotter.
343
00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:43,758
Oh, she's a goddess!
344
00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:45,459
Her skin glows.
345
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:47,327
Her legs go for miles.
346
00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:48,696
And that ass?
347
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:51,098
I would wear that
thing for a hat.
348
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,734
Last night in
bed, I'll admit it,
349
00:13:53,735 --> 00:13:55,803
She popped into my
head a couple of times.
350
00:13:55,804 --> 00:13:58,438
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you try...?
351
00:13:58,439 --> 00:14:00,774
Like, you think
she's hotter than me?
352
00:14:00,775 --> 00:14:03,143
I never said that.
353
00:14:03,144 --> 00:14:04,144
Marshall: Oh, my god!
354
00:14:04,145 --> 00:14:05,345
You do.
355
00:14:05,346 --> 00:14:06,613
It's apples and oranges.
356
00:14:06,614 --> 00:14:08,148
She's younger than you.
357
00:14:08,149 --> 00:14:09,917
I'm just saying, like,
358
00:14:09,918 --> 00:14:12,587
Me in my prime versus
her in her prime.
359
00:14:12,588 --> 00:14:13,721
Well...
360
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:14,856
Oh, my god!
361
00:14:14,857 --> 00:14:17,827
You guys, her hotness
isn't even real!
362
00:14:17,828 --> 00:14:20,930
It's circumstantial hotness.
363
00:14:20,931 --> 00:14:22,131
Watch.
364
00:14:26,269 --> 00:14:28,771
? she's my cherry pie ?
365
00:14:28,772 --> 00:14:31,741
? cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ?
366
00:14:31,742 --> 00:14:34,244
? taste so good, make
a grown man cry... ?
367
00:14:34,245 --> 00:14:38,815
I
- I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.
368
00:14:38,816 --> 00:14:41,051
? wow! ?
369
00:14:43,087 --> 00:14:44,588
What the hell are
you doing?! What?
370
00:14:44,589 --> 00:14:46,623
You're not allowed back here.
371
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:48,625
Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look.
372
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:50,894
No. I-I don't
want to go back.
373
00:14:50,895 --> 00:14:52,495
Please, please,
don't make me go back.
374
00:14:52,496 --> 00:14:53,863
You got to go. Don't. I...
375
00:14:53,864 --> 00:14:55,265
You got to go. I just...
376
00:14:55,266 --> 00:14:58,668
No, carl. I was... I
was somebody back there!
377
00:14:59,370 --> 00:15:01,337
Everybody loved me.
378
00:15:08,678 --> 00:15:10,279
(knocking)
379
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,048
Hey. Hi.
380
00:15:12,049 --> 00:15:13,315
Can we talk?
381
00:15:13,316 --> 00:15:15,250
My roommate's just about
to get out of the shower.
382
00:15:15,251 --> 00:15:16,452
Let's talk in my room.
383
00:15:16,453 --> 00:15:17,987
Okay.
384
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:25,393
(water running)
385
00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:27,396
(sighs)
386
00:15:27,397 --> 00:15:28,597
Look, cindy, I know
387
00:15:28,598 --> 00:15:30,331
The university rulebook
says we can't date.
388
00:15:30,332 --> 00:15:32,133
But it also says,
"don't teach drunk,"
389
00:15:32,134 --> 00:15:34,035
And I do that all the time.
390
00:15:34,036 --> 00:15:35,536
The point is,
391
00:15:35,537 --> 00:15:36,770
I like you.
392
00:15:36,771 --> 00:15:37,738
I do.
393
00:15:37,739 --> 00:15:39,373
You're sweet, you're funny.
394
00:15:39,374 --> 00:15:40,307
You're writing a dissertation
395
00:15:40,308 --> 00:15:41,474
Entitled,
396
00:15:41,475 --> 00:15:42,909
Foreign direct investment
397
00:15:42,910 --> 00:15:44,677
And intergenerational linkages
and consumption behavior.
398
00:15:44,678 --> 00:15:46,545
I mean, that is hot.
399
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,982
I know this sounds
crazy, but...
400
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:53,218
I feel like our paths are
supposed to cross somehow.
401
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:57,322
And I don't want to
miss out on knowing you.
402
00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:00,658
I don't want to miss out
on knowing you, either.
403
00:16:02,293 --> 00:16:03,827
Look, I got to tell you,
404
00:16:03,828 --> 00:16:05,962
I mean, just from
looking around your room,
405
00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:08,298
I can tell we have
a ton in common.
406
00:16:08,299 --> 00:16:09,466
Really?
407
00:16:09,467 --> 00:16:10,634
The unicorns?
408
00:16:10,635 --> 00:16:12,836
Who will cut our
hair when we're gone?
409
00:16:12,837 --> 00:16:15,839
I have never met anyone
else who has this album.
410
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,108
That's my roommate's.
I borrowed it.
411
00:16:18,109 --> 00:16:19,377
Oh.
412
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:21,446
Well, well, what about this?
413
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:23,281
World's end by t.C. Boyle?
414
00:16:23,282 --> 00:16:25,550
That was a birthday
gift... From my roommate.
415
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,285
Haven't checked it out yet.
416
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:28,953
Oh. Oh, you should.
417
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:31,388
It's-it's a good read.
418
00:16:31,389 --> 00:16:33,323
Well, what about this?
This is ridiculous.
419
00:16:33,324 --> 00:16:34,791
You play bass?
420
00:16:34,792 --> 00:16:36,325
Seriously, ask my friends.
421
00:16:36,326 --> 00:16:39,662
I always say,
my ideal woman...
422
00:16:39,663 --> 00:16:43,131
Does not play bass, because
this is clearly your roommate's.
423
00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:44,199
She's in a band.
424
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,135
(sotto voce):
Damn, that's cool.
425
00:16:46,136 --> 00:16:48,271
This is unbelievable.
426
00:16:48,272 --> 00:16:51,007
You just picked out the
only three things in here
427
00:16:51,008 --> 00:16:52,876
That are my roommate's.
428
00:16:52,877 --> 00:16:56,480
So, does your roommate's band
ever play shows, or...? Get out.
429
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,384
Narrator: Kids, as
you probably guessed,
430
00:17:00,385 --> 00:17:03,120
That wasn't the night
I met your mother.
431
00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:07,392
Although I think I
glimpsed her foot.
432
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:10,494
But I did get a
little bit closer
433
00:17:10,495 --> 00:17:12,629
To meeting the
woman of my dreams.
434
00:17:12,630 --> 00:17:14,464
And your mom-
435
00:17:14,465 --> 00:17:16,866
Well, she got her
yellow umbrella back.
436
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:21,270
It was just so
special, you know?
437
00:17:21,271 --> 00:17:24,639
I feel like we should give
him a moment of silence.
438
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,809
Followed by, like, 20
minutes of grunting.
439
00:17:29,679 --> 00:17:32,915
I'm gonna make you
feel all better.
440
00:17:32,916 --> 00:17:34,217
(laughs)
441
00:17:34,218 --> 00:17:35,351
Let me just go freshen up.
442
00:17:35,352 --> 00:17:36,519
All right.
443
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:38,555
Oh, wait. No, no,
that's not the bathroom!
444
00:17:38,556 --> 00:17:39,756
That...
445
00:17:39,757 --> 00:17:42,025
Are these yours?
446
00:17:43,528 --> 00:17:46,030
I'm suit-sitting for someone.
447
00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:47,732
Barney, you lied to me.
448
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,367
(sighs)
449
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:51,636
You have to choose right now.
450
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:54,038
Me... Or the suits.
451
00:17:54,039 --> 00:17:56,240
(music intro begins)
452
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,546
? I know what you're thinkin',
"what's barney been drinkin'?" ?
453
00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:03,047
? that girl was
smokin' hot! ?
454
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:05,749
? yes, I coulda nailed her,
but no, it's not a failure ?
455
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:07,684
? 'cause there's one
thing she is not ?
456
00:18:07,685 --> 00:18:09,653
? to score a ten
would be just fine ?
457
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:12,589
? but I'd rather be
dressed to the nines ?
458
00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:17,560
? it's a truth
you can't refute ?
459
00:18:17,561 --> 00:18:21,631
? nothin' suits
me like a suit! ?
460
00:18:21,632 --> 00:18:23,233
? picture a world ?
461
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:26,069
? where all the boys and girls
are impeccably well-dressed! ?
462
00:18:26,070 --> 00:18:28,504
? that delivery guy
in a jacket and tie ?
463
00:18:28,505 --> 00:18:30,673
? that puppy in
a double breast! ?
464
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:33,041
? that eighties dude
with muttonchops ?
465
00:18:33,042 --> 00:18:35,043
? that baby with
a lollipop! ?
466
00:18:35,044 --> 00:18:40,981
? that lady cop
who's kinda cute ?
467
00:18:40,982 --> 00:18:43,817
? nothing suits
them like a suit! ?
468
00:18:43,818 --> 00:18:45,785
? suits! ? ? a
wingman I can wear! ?
469
00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:47,754
? suits! ? ?
they're, oh, so debonair ?
470
00:18:47,755 --> 00:18:49,156
? suits! ?
471
00:18:49,157 --> 00:18:51,992
? the perfect way to snare
a girl with daddy issues ?
472
00:18:51,993 --> 00:18:54,695
? suits! ? ? in
navy blue or black! ?
473
00:18:54,696 --> 00:18:56,564
? check out this
perfect rack ?
474
00:18:56,565 --> 00:18:59,834
? I want to give
them a squeeze ?
475
00:18:59,835 --> 00:19:00,902
Oh, really!
476
00:19:00,903 --> 00:19:05,040
? then answer
these questions ?
477
00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:08,243
? if you please ?
478
00:19:09,946 --> 00:19:12,614
? what would you do
if you had to choose ?
479
00:19:12,615 --> 00:19:15,183
? between your suits
and a pot of gold? ?
480
00:19:15,184 --> 00:19:16,785
? suits ?
481
00:19:16,786 --> 00:19:18,453
? what would you say if
you gave your suits away ?
482
00:19:18,454 --> 00:19:19,687
? and in return you'd
never grow old? ?
483
00:19:19,688 --> 00:19:20,889
? suits ?
484
00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:22,456
? what would you pick:
One million chicks ?
485
00:19:22,457 --> 00:19:23,624
? or a single
three-piece suit?
486
00:19:23,625 --> 00:19:24,859
It's moot.
487
00:19:24,860 --> 00:19:26,660
? what if world peace
were within your reach? ?
488
00:19:26,661 --> 00:19:27,995
(stammering): I'm gonna
stop you right there.
489
00:19:27,996 --> 00:19:29,130
It's suits.
490
00:19:29,131 --> 00:19:31,165
Come on, lily, get your
head out of your ass.
491
00:19:31,166 --> 00:19:33,668
Two, three, four!
492
00:19:35,838 --> 00:19:38,274
? girls will go and
girls will come ?
493
00:19:38,275 --> 00:19:40,410
? but there's only
one absolute! ?
494
00:19:40,411 --> 00:19:43,079
? every bro on the
go needs to know ?
495
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,215
? that there's no
accepted substitute! ?
496
00:19:46,216 --> 00:19:48,951
? I'm sorry, suits,
let's make amends ?
497
00:19:48,952 --> 00:19:52,287
? my Sunday best are
my best friends! ?
498
00:19:52,288 --> 00:20:01,663
? send casual Friday
down the laundry chute ?
499
00:20:01,664 --> 00:20:07,001
? 'cause nothing
suits the undisputed ?
500
00:20:07,002 --> 00:20:13,909
? oft-saluted
suitor of repute ?
501
00:20:13,910 --> 00:20:17,179
? like... ?
502
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:21,816
? a... ?
503
00:20:21,817 --> 00:20:23,851
Wait for it.
504
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:29,357
? suit... ?
505
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:31,859
? nothing suits him ?
506
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:35,296
? like... A...
? ? suit... ?
507
00:20:35,297 --> 00:20:37,064
? suit! Up! Suit! Up! ?
508
00:20:37,065 --> 00:20:39,200
? suit up! Suit up! ?
509
00:20:39,201 --> 00:20:44,071
? suit...! ?
510
00:20:44,072 --> 00:20:47,174
Then again, she is pretty hot.
511
00:20:47,175 --> 00:20:48,708
I choose you, baby.
512
00:20:48,709 --> 00:20:52,278
First thing tomorrow, I'm
getting rid of these suits.
513
00:20:52,279 --> 00:20:53,646
Really?
514
00:20:53,647 --> 00:20:54,881
Yeah.
515
00:20:54,882 --> 00:20:56,583
Mmm.
516
00:20:56,584 --> 00:20:59,786
Mmm. Mmm.
517
00:20:59,787 --> 00:21:01,855
(whispers): You guys are fine.
518
00:21:01,856 --> 00:21:02,856
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