1 00:00:01,713 --> 00:00:03,958 aways of dealing with nerves. 2 00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:06,801 It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson. 3 00:00:06,869 --> 00:00:08,803 Some people chew their nails. 4 00:00:08,871 --> 00:00:10,805 Some people tap their feet. 5 00:00:10,863 --> 00:00:13,007 And some people imagine they're being interviewed 6 00:00:13,075 --> 00:00:15,376 by renowned sportscaster Jim Nantz. 7 00:00:15,443 --> 00:00:16,638 Hello, friends. 8 00:00:16,639 --> 00:00:20,178 Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. 9 00:00:20,179 --> 00:00:22,581 Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, 10 00:00:22,582 --> 00:00:25,612 and the sport of sleeping with random hotties 11 00:00:25,613 --> 00:00:28,278 has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. 12 00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:29,744 Barney, welcome. Thanks, Jim. 13 00:00:29,745 --> 00:00:31,178 Great to be back on the show. 14 00:00:31,179 --> 00:00:32,310 Good to have you with us. 15 00:00:32,311 --> 00:00:33,442 And, you know, the stats, 16 00:00:33,443 --> 00:00:34,909 they really speak for themselves. 17 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:37,447 Over 200 women spanning six continents, 18 00:00:37,448 --> 00:00:38,852 17 nationalities, 19 00:00:38,853 --> 00:00:42,454 74 sexual positions and not a single fatty. 20 00:00:42,455 --> 00:00:43,655 It's impressive. 21 00:00:43,656 --> 00:00:46,194 Hey, uh, with all these accomplishments, though, 22 00:00:46,195 --> 00:00:48,730 there's one laurel that's always eluded you. 23 00:00:48,731 --> 00:00:50,300 Which brings us to last week. 24 00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:51,701 What was the story there? 25 00:00:51,702 --> 00:00:52,802 Buckle up, Jimbo, 26 00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:54,839 this one's a doozy. 27 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,408 It all started when I decided 28 00:00:56,409 --> 00:00:58,277 to set myself a little challenge. 29 00:00:58,278 --> 00:01:00,379 Oh, my God. Whoa. 30 00:01:00,380 --> 00:01:01,748 He's calling his shot. 31 00:01:01,749 --> 00:01:03,850 Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, 32 00:01:03,851 --> 00:01:05,787 that's who I'm going home with tonight. 33 00:01:05,788 --> 00:01:07,188 And... 34 00:01:09,158 --> 00:01:11,493 Play ball! 35 00:01:12,396 --> 00:01:14,964 Hey. Hey. 36 00:01:14,965 --> 00:01:17,000 How'd the date with Dale go? 37 00:01:17,001 --> 00:01:20,137 You know, sometimes, that guy with the horn-rimmed glasses 38 00:01:20,138 --> 00:01:22,139 and the Smurfs T-shirt is just being ironic. 39 00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:23,673 Sometimes, 40 00:01:23,674 --> 00:01:25,809 he is a dork with a lazy eye 41 00:01:25,810 --> 00:01:28,079 and a love-hate relationship with Gargamel. 42 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,047 Robin, just because a guy talks a lot 43 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,048 about a fictional character on a first date 44 00:01:32,049 --> 00:01:33,951 doesn't mean he's not husband material. 45 00:01:33,952 --> 00:01:36,085 Sasquatch isn't fictional. 46 00:01:36,086 --> 00:01:37,720 That was quick. 47 00:01:40,923 --> 00:01:43,591 So, night one was pretty routine. 48 00:01:43,592 --> 00:01:47,027 Jim, there is nothing routine about the way I get down. 49 00:01:47,028 --> 00:01:48,428 Respect. 50 00:01:48,429 --> 00:01:50,196 Take us to night two. 51 00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,897 See that hottie over there nursing a Black Russian? 52 00:01:52,898 --> 00:01:54,866 She's about to chase that with a white American. 53 00:01:54,867 --> 00:01:56,300 Up top! 54 00:01:57,837 --> 00:01:59,171 You know... 55 00:01:59,172 --> 00:02:01,473 if you're not careful, you're going to lose me. 56 00:02:03,576 --> 00:02:04,877 You guys, what should I say 57 00:02:04,878 --> 00:02:06,512 when Dale calls for a second date? 58 00:02:06,513 --> 00:02:07,646 How do you know he's going to call? 59 00:02:07,647 --> 00:02:10,049 (laughs) 60 00:02:10,050 --> 00:02:11,751 You're cute, Marshall. 61 00:02:11,752 --> 00:02:15,755 But I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show. 62 00:02:15,756 --> 00:02:18,692 I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off me. 63 00:02:18,693 --> 00:02:19,760 TED: Well, let him down easy. 64 00:02:19,761 --> 00:02:21,262 People are fragile. 65 00:02:21,263 --> 00:02:23,731 And sometimes, without even meaning to, 66 00:02:23,732 --> 00:02:26,734 you might rip someone's beating heart out 67 00:02:26,735 --> 00:02:29,370 and stomp on it in a room full of 26 people 68 00:02:29,371 --> 00:02:31,539 and a teacher's assistant. 69 00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:33,709 How did school go today, Ted? 70 00:02:33,710 --> 00:02:35,277 Something bad happened. 71 00:02:35,278 --> 00:02:37,846 It was the first class of the new semester... 72 00:02:37,847 --> 00:02:39,614 Jamie Adamic. 73 00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:41,383 Hi. 74 00:02:41,384 --> 00:02:42,885 Brian Glow-atz. 75 00:02:42,886 --> 00:02:44,487 Glau-atz? 76 00:02:44,488 --> 00:02:46,388 Hi. 77 00:02:47,824 --> 00:02:49,726 Well done. 78 00:02:49,727 --> 00:02:51,727 Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet. 79 00:02:51,728 --> 00:02:53,696 That's, uh... that's real original, guys. 80 00:02:53,697 --> 00:02:55,265 You know, I'd expect 81 00:02:55,266 --> 00:02:58,401 inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature, 82 00:02:58,402 --> 00:03:00,169 and frankly, more creative. 83 00:03:00,170 --> 00:03:01,370 I mean, seriously. 84 00:03:01,371 --> 00:03:04,373 What kind of a fake name is Cook Pu? 85 00:03:04,374 --> 00:03:06,375 Here. (laughs) Come on, guys. 86 00:03:06,376 --> 00:03:08,276 It's got to at least sound real. 87 00:03:08,277 --> 00:03:10,245 Cook Pu? 88 00:03:10,246 --> 00:03:11,813 Here. 89 00:03:11,814 --> 00:03:13,147 Whatever happened to the classics? 90 00:03:13,148 --> 00:03:14,115 Right, you know? 91 00:03:14,116 --> 00:03:15,383 Seymour Butts. 92 00:03:15,384 --> 00:03:16,384 Hugh Gerection. 93 00:03:16,385 --> 00:03:19,087 Those were fake names, but Cook Pu? 94 00:03:19,088 --> 00:03:20,589 (crying): Here. 95 00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:22,257 Cook Pu! 96 00:03:22,258 --> 00:03:24,693 She's back here, bro. 97 00:03:27,096 --> 00:03:28,263 (laughing) 98 00:03:28,264 --> 00:03:29,965 All right, come on, let me have it. 99 00:03:29,966 --> 00:03:31,633 Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes. 100 00:03:31,634 --> 00:03:33,735 Oh, we're not going to make jokes, Ted. 101 00:03:33,736 --> 00:03:36,571 I mean, that girl must be really down in the dumps. 102 00:03:36,572 --> 00:03:37,872 MARSHALL: You really... 103 00:03:37,873 --> 00:03:39,507 smeared the Pu name. 104 00:03:39,508 --> 00:03:41,142 You guys finished? 105 00:03:41,143 --> 00:03:44,412 Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system? 106 00:03:44,413 --> 00:03:46,180 (laughing) 107 00:03:46,181 --> 00:03:48,048 LILY: Wow, back-to-back nights. 108 00:03:48,049 --> 00:03:50,751 Barney is on fire. 109 00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:51,852 That girl's lucky. 110 00:03:51,853 --> 00:03:54,054 Barney was the best sex I ever had. 111 00:03:54,055 --> 00:03:56,189 He's the best friend I've ever had. 112 00:03:56,190 --> 00:03:57,858 He's everything I want Marshall to be. 113 00:03:57,859 --> 00:03:59,627 He's everything I wish I could be. 114 00:03:59,628 --> 00:04:02,563 I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around. 115 00:04:02,564 --> 00:04:04,531 I buy it. You're awesome. 116 00:04:04,532 --> 00:04:06,133 Now, night three. 117 00:04:06,134 --> 00:04:07,701 Paint us a word picture. 118 00:04:07,702 --> 00:04:09,904 Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, 119 00:04:09,905 --> 00:04:12,774 so I decided to mix things up a little bit. 120 00:04:12,775 --> 00:04:16,712 I think I'm going to go small boobs tonight. 121 00:04:16,713 --> 00:04:18,247 You're disgusting. 122 00:04:18,248 --> 00:04:20,816 Lily, they're people, too. 123 00:04:22,452 --> 00:04:24,153 Here's your burgers. Oh, thank you. 124 00:04:24,154 --> 00:04:25,721 Thanks. TED: What, you're not sharing? 125 00:04:25,722 --> 00:04:27,757 You two always share a burger. 126 00:04:27,758 --> 00:04:28,925 No, we don't. 127 00:04:28,926 --> 00:04:30,660 We're not like weirdos who share everything. 128 00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:32,296 Uh, yeah, you are. That's exactly what you are. 129 00:04:32,297 --> 00:04:33,998 We're perfectly normal! 130 00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:35,499 Guys, what's going on? 131 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:36,967 You know how Lily and I 132 00:04:36,968 --> 00:04:38,669 have been looking for new couple friends 133 00:04:38,670 --> 00:04:40,604 ever since we lost Robin and Barney, 134 00:04:40,605 --> 00:04:42,006 and Ted and Stella, 135 00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:44,275 and Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria? 136 00:04:44,276 --> 00:04:46,610 Geez, Ted, when are you going to get your life together? 137 00:04:46,611 --> 00:04:48,045 How did we end up here? 138 00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:50,714 We went on a great double date last night. 139 00:04:50,715 --> 00:04:52,082 It... we were cool. 140 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,150 We were casual. 141 00:04:53,151 --> 00:04:54,485 We didn't spaz out. 142 00:04:54,486 --> 00:04:57,254 And then, one tiny little detail came out 143 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,356 and the whole night was ruined. Ruined! 144 00:04:59,357 --> 00:05:00,757 (laughter) And Joanna's toothbrush 145 00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:02,558 flips off the side of the sink, 146 00:05:02,559 --> 00:05:05,194 hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet. 147 00:05:05,195 --> 00:05:07,196 Come on. That's... That's crazy. 148 00:05:07,197 --> 00:05:10,198 Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush. 149 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:16,437 Our toothbrush? 150 00:05:16,438 --> 00:05:17,971 Yeah. 151 00:05:17,972 --> 00:05:19,607 Like, one toothbrush? 152 00:05:19,608 --> 00:05:22,109 That you both use? 153 00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:23,844 Every day? 154 00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,380 Is that weird? 155 00:05:25,381 --> 00:05:28,449 ALL: Super weird. 156 00:05:28,450 --> 00:05:30,117 Marshall, four out of five dentists 157 00:05:30,118 --> 00:05:32,353 just threw up in their mouths. 158 00:05:32,354 --> 00:05:34,289 Hey, check it out. 159 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,524 Barney's leaving with another girl. 160 00:05:35,525 --> 00:05:36,758 LILY: Wow. 161 00:05:36,759 --> 00:05:38,427 Three girls in three nights. 162 00:05:38,428 --> 00:05:40,329 That's gross, even for Barney. 163 00:05:40,330 --> 00:05:41,397 Gross? Are you kidding? 164 00:05:41,398 --> 00:05:42,865 He's on his way to a perfect... 165 00:05:42,866 --> 00:05:45,535 (stammering): Don't say it! 166 00:05:45,536 --> 00:05:46,603 You'll jinx it. 167 00:05:46,604 --> 00:05:47,838 Jinx what? 168 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:49,840 I was on my way toward... 169 00:05:49,841 --> 00:05:53,211 a perfect week. 170 00:05:59,719 --> 00:06:03,155 Transcript by Addic7ed.com 171 00:06:06,025 --> 00:06:08,094 The perfect week. 172 00:06:08,095 --> 00:06:11,497 Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections. 173 00:06:11,498 --> 00:06:12,731 Incredible. 174 00:06:12,732 --> 00:06:15,200 I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent 175 00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:17,468 of baseball's perfect game, but even rarer. 176 00:06:17,469 --> 00:06:19,570 Yeah. Uh, the only player in history 177 00:06:19,571 --> 00:06:21,439 to have ever achieved both 178 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,441 was Mustache Pete Drexell back in 1896. 179 00:06:24,442 --> 00:06:28,144 (crowd cheering, lively organ music playing) 180 00:06:28,145 --> 00:06:29,446 Now, this wasn't the first time 181 00:06:29,447 --> 00:06:31,281 you'd come close to a perfect week. 182 00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:33,515 You learned the hard way, though- 183 00:06:33,516 --> 00:06:35,918 one mistake, and it's all over. 184 00:06:35,919 --> 00:06:38,320 Sometimes, a teammate makes an error. 185 00:06:40,490 --> 00:06:43,026 Sometimes, one wild pitch... 186 00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:46,796 You, me, the canned food aisle in the bodega next door. 187 00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,864 ...leads to a walk. 188 00:06:48,865 --> 00:06:52,701 And sometimes, you just lose focus. 189 00:06:52,702 --> 00:06:56,738 And that almost always leads to a hit. 190 00:06:56,739 --> 00:06:59,408 But this week, you were three for three 191 00:06:59,409 --> 00:07:01,543 with no sign of slowing down. 192 00:07:01,544 --> 00:07:03,345 I could do no wrong. 193 00:07:03,346 --> 00:07:06,148 Wish I could say the same for my friends. 194 00:07:06,149 --> 00:07:09,118 Cook didn't show up for class today. 195 00:07:09,119 --> 00:07:10,452 I'm sorry. 196 00:07:10,453 --> 00:07:12,187 Cook? 197 00:07:12,188 --> 00:07:15,957 Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook. 198 00:07:15,958 --> 00:07:17,259 Yeah. 199 00:07:18,127 --> 00:07:20,128 Cook Pu. 200 00:07:20,129 --> 00:07:22,097 (laughter, phone ringing) 201 00:07:22,098 --> 00:07:23,932 Uh-oh, here we go. 202 00:07:23,933 --> 00:07:25,567 The dreaded Dale call. 203 00:07:25,568 --> 00:07:27,903 Oh. It's my mom. 204 00:07:27,904 --> 00:07:31,174 She's going through some pretty major league health stuff. 205 00:07:31,175 --> 00:07:33,009 God, why won't that guy call? 206 00:07:33,010 --> 00:07:34,410 LILY: Wait a minute. 207 00:07:34,411 --> 00:07:36,580 You want him to call? 208 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,081 No! Shut up. 209 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,583 Don't you guys have, like, a... 210 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:41,818 like, a toothbrush to share or something? 211 00:07:41,819 --> 00:07:44,421 TED: Yeah. When did you guys even start doing that anyway? 212 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:45,456 Like, years ago. 213 00:07:45,457 --> 00:07:47,325 You should know. We lived with you. 214 00:07:47,326 --> 00:07:48,459 Uh, yeah, but you always 215 00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:49,727 kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. 216 00:07:49,728 --> 00:07:52,064 Also weird, by the way. LILY: No. 217 00:07:52,065 --> 00:07:53,532 We kept it in the bathroom. 218 00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:55,601 No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, 219 00:07:55,602 --> 00:07:57,736 and it was mine. 220 00:07:59,839 --> 00:08:01,773 Wait. 221 00:08:01,774 --> 00:08:05,744 Are you saying that, for eight years, 222 00:08:05,745 --> 00:08:09,013 all three of you shared one toothbrush? 223 00:08:09,014 --> 00:08:10,182 Oh, my God. TED: Kill me. 224 00:08:10,183 --> 00:08:13,318 Kill me! I love this so much. 225 00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,123 So, you're through four nights. 226 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,425 You're over the hump. 227 00:08:20,426 --> 00:08:21,359 Nice, Jim. 228 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,494 Hey, I try. I'm no you. 229 00:08:23,495 --> 00:08:24,761 (both chuckling) 230 00:08:24,762 --> 00:08:28,965 But then came night five, and with it, trouble. 231 00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:32,034 Beer here. 232 00:08:35,438 --> 00:08:36,972 Hey. 233 00:08:37,907 --> 00:08:39,074 Hey. 234 00:08:39,075 --> 00:08:40,776 How's, uh... how's Barney doing tonight? 235 00:08:40,777 --> 00:08:41,910 Cool as a cucumber. 236 00:08:41,911 --> 00:08:43,511 Just like he's been all week. 237 00:08:43,512 --> 00:08:44,612 Yeah? That's hard to believe. 238 00:08:44,613 --> 00:08:45,847 Why? 239 00:08:45,848 --> 00:08:48,017 Apparently, this big merger fell through last week 240 00:08:48,018 --> 00:08:49,351 and Barney's being blamed for it. 241 00:08:49,352 --> 00:08:50,619 Oh, that's weird. 242 00:08:50,620 --> 00:08:52,054 He hasn't said anything. 243 00:08:52,055 --> 00:08:53,322 Look, I work with the guy. 244 00:08:53,323 --> 00:08:54,856 I didn't find out until this afternoon, 245 00:08:54,857 --> 00:08:56,592 when I walked by his boss's office. 246 00:08:56,593 --> 00:08:58,260 ...you cost this company, Stinson?! 247 00:08:58,261 --> 00:09:01,030 I'd never seen Barney look that scared. 248 00:09:01,031 --> 00:09:03,866 I... I think he's going to get fired. 249 00:09:10,451 --> 00:09:12,319 I can't believe Barney might get fired. 250 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:13,887 Yeah, they're having a meeting on Friday 251 00:09:13,888 --> 00:09:16,223 to determine whether or not he keeps his job. 252 00:09:16,224 --> 00:09:18,325 Poor guy. He must be freaking out. 253 00:09:18,326 --> 00:09:20,362 Yeah, I'm going to go talk to him. (stammering): No! 254 00:09:20,363 --> 00:09:21,663 You can't distract a man 255 00:09:21,664 --> 00:09:23,765 in the middle of a... you-know-what. 256 00:09:23,766 --> 00:09:25,366 Oh, come on, this is his career. 257 00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:28,202 This is much more important than some stupid perfect... 258 00:09:28,203 --> 00:09:29,303 Ah! 259 00:09:29,304 --> 00:09:31,038 O- Okay. 260 00:09:31,039 --> 00:09:33,307 You can lick my hand as long as you want. 261 00:09:33,308 --> 00:09:36,144 I'm not going to let you ruin his... Ow! 262 00:09:36,145 --> 00:09:38,145 Guys, we need to talk to him. 263 00:09:38,146 --> 00:09:39,381 I'll go. 264 00:09:39,382 --> 00:09:41,182 He needs a bro. 265 00:09:42,985 --> 00:09:44,486 Hey, buddy. Hey. 266 00:09:44,487 --> 00:09:45,620 Everything all right? 267 00:09:45,621 --> 00:09:47,122 Absolutely. Sure. 268 00:09:47,123 --> 00:09:48,523 Top of the world. 269 00:09:48,524 --> 00:09:49,691 (sighs) 270 00:09:49,692 --> 00:09:51,159 Who am I kidding? 271 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,560 I need your help. 272 00:09:52,561 --> 00:09:53,595 Anything, buddy. 273 00:09:53,596 --> 00:09:54,863 What is it? 274 00:09:54,864 --> 00:09:56,598 (sighs) 275 00:09:56,599 --> 00:09:59,967 Which one of these girls looks the dumbest? 276 00:10:01,269 --> 00:10:02,569 All right, kid. 277 00:10:02,570 --> 00:10:04,938 Let's check the scouting report. 278 00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,708 What about the heater? 279 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,415 High and outside? 280 00:10:20,419 --> 00:10:21,719 All right. 281 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,155 I'd go with the slider. 282 00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:28,126 Thanks, Skip. 283 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,862 Yep. 284 00:10:31,866 --> 00:10:33,667 So, what did he say? 285 00:10:33,668 --> 00:10:35,268 Hmm? Oh! Yeah, he's going 286 00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:37,438 to take a swat at the Hamburglar over there. 287 00:10:37,439 --> 00:10:39,140 You were supposed to talk 288 00:10:39,141 --> 00:10:41,309 to him about losing his job. 289 00:10:41,310 --> 00:10:42,877 Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem 290 00:10:42,878 --> 00:10:44,378 he can do nothing about going to help him? 291 00:10:44,379 --> 00:10:46,847 How is ignoring it going to solve anything? 292 00:10:46,848 --> 00:10:47,882 Well, you ignored good dental hygiene 293 00:10:47,883 --> 00:10:49,149 for the better part of a decade, 294 00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:50,318 and you seem to be doing just... 295 00:10:50,319 --> 00:10:52,086 Cook Pu! (giggling): Cook Pu. 296 00:10:52,087 --> 00:10:54,622 Dale call yet? Why do you got to... 297 00:10:54,623 --> 00:10:56,290 Guys, guys, guys, look! 298 00:10:58,761 --> 00:11:00,462 Barney, I'm going to stop you for a second. 299 00:11:00,463 --> 00:11:02,764 There's something I have to ask. 300 00:11:02,765 --> 00:11:04,332 Have you ever used 301 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:05,901 performance-enhancing drugs? 302 00:11:05,902 --> 00:11:07,535 No, sir. 303 00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:09,571 I respect the game too much. 304 00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:13,442 Although, I can't say I haven't been offered. 305 00:11:16,613 --> 00:11:18,714 Dude, it was pretty awesome. 306 00:11:19,816 --> 00:11:20,950 You should try it. 307 00:11:20,951 --> 00:11:22,051 I have, I have some more. 308 00:11:22,052 --> 00:11:23,385 No, thanks. 309 00:11:23,386 --> 00:11:24,887 You sure? 310 00:11:24,888 --> 00:11:27,789 All right, suit yourself. 311 00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:30,192 What time is it? 312 00:11:30,193 --> 00:11:32,060 It's, uh, 8:00. 8:00? 313 00:11:39,735 --> 00:11:41,903 I need to go to the hospital. 314 00:11:44,340 --> 00:11:46,009 I'd never touch the stuff. 315 00:11:46,010 --> 00:11:48,010 You can test me if you want, Jim Nantz. 316 00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:49,379 Barney, I trust you. 317 00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:51,114 I regret I even asked you the question. 318 00:11:51,115 --> 00:11:53,282 Okay, let's go to night six. 319 00:11:53,283 --> 00:11:56,152 Two girls away from perfection. 320 00:11:56,153 --> 00:11:58,422 (chattering) Hey! Hey. 321 00:11:58,423 --> 00:12:00,690 Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar! 322 00:12:00,691 --> 00:12:02,526 Ted, relax. 323 00:12:02,527 --> 00:12:03,627 I'm already six for six. 324 00:12:03,628 --> 00:12:05,295 Really? Yeah. 325 00:12:05,296 --> 00:12:07,530 I was lunching at Tavern on the Green, 326 00:12:07,531 --> 00:12:09,933 I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel. 327 00:12:09,934 --> 00:12:11,467 Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game 328 00:12:11,468 --> 00:12:13,736 in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. 329 00:12:13,737 --> 00:12:16,372 Giddy-what-up?! 330 00:12:16,373 --> 00:12:17,940 (neighing) 331 00:12:17,941 --> 00:12:20,143 (splutters and stomps) 332 00:12:20,144 --> 00:12:21,344 Awesome. 333 00:12:21,345 --> 00:12:22,478 What really happened? 334 00:12:22,479 --> 00:12:24,513 I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's 335 00:12:24,514 --> 00:12:25,781 and banged a drunk hairdresser. 336 00:12:25,782 --> 00:12:27,216 Are you happy, Truthy McGee? 337 00:12:33,523 --> 00:12:34,723 Barney, we know you might get fired. 338 00:12:34,724 --> 00:12:37,660 Wait, you have to talk about this. 339 00:12:37,661 --> 00:12:40,262 You are just using meaningless sex 340 00:12:40,263 --> 00:12:42,764 to distract yourself from a really serious issue. 341 00:12:42,765 --> 00:12:44,566 It is not meaningless, okay? 342 00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:47,669 Number five and I really connected. 343 00:12:47,670 --> 00:12:49,103 She's going back to school. 344 00:12:49,104 --> 00:12:52,974 Or has a kid in school- something about school! 345 00:12:54,543 --> 00:12:56,577 So, today one of my students told me 346 00:12:56,578 --> 00:12:58,245 Cook is dropping my class. 347 00:12:58,246 --> 00:13:02,149 Oh, my God, Pu dropped out? 348 00:13:02,150 --> 00:13:04,985 She is flushing her education down the toilet! 349 00:13:04,986 --> 00:13:06,220 Any word from Dale? 350 00:13:06,221 --> 00:13:08,556 It's only been five days, he's gonna call! 351 00:13:08,557 --> 00:13:09,790 Why do you care anyway? 352 00:13:09,791 --> 00:13:10,925 You said he was a total dork. 353 00:13:10,926 --> 00:13:12,927 Do not talk about Dale that way, okay? 354 00:13:12,928 --> 00:13:15,763 He is twice the man you will ever be! 355 00:13:15,764 --> 00:13:18,866 God forbid, if you can't find another job, sell your place. 356 00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:20,901 Marshall and I have an extra room. 357 00:13:20,902 --> 00:13:22,937 You can stay there as long as you need. 358 00:13:22,938 --> 00:13:25,039 Make sure you bring your own toothbrush. 359 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,774 Lily, what are you doing? 360 00:13:26,775 --> 00:13:29,477 Talking to my friend who's going through a really tough time. 361 00:13:29,478 --> 00:13:31,178 He's doing fine. 362 00:13:31,179 --> 00:13:34,014 Trying to sleep with seven women in seven nights 363 00:13:34,015 --> 00:13:37,450 is not "doing fine" it's a cry for help. 364 00:13:37,451 --> 00:13:39,151 Barney's whole life is a cry for help. 365 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,352 But you don't mess with a man 366 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,620 when he's in the middle of a perf... 367 00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:42,921 What? 368 00:13:42,922 --> 00:13:44,122 Perfect week? 369 00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:45,423 (all gasp) 370 00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:47,492 Oh, perfect week, perfect week, perfect week! 371 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,461 Grow up! 372 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:52,030 (hissing) 373 00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:53,365 Unbelievable. 374 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,400 You know, there's two things you don't do. 375 00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,236 One: you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms 376 00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,637 in front of your kids. 377 00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:02,207 And two: you don't jinx a man going for a perfect week. 378 00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:03,375 I don't know what to tell you. 379 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,543 Lily's always messing with me. 380 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,045 I think she has a thing for the Barnacle. 381 00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:09,181 You're a keen observer 382 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,417 of the human condition, Jim Nantz. 383 00:14:12,386 --> 00:14:14,054 I can't believe you jinxed him. 384 00:14:14,055 --> 00:14:15,389 He doesn't stand a chance out there. 385 00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:16,556 LILY: Okay, question: 386 00:14:16,557 --> 00:14:18,158 If I ruined everything, 387 00:14:18,159 --> 00:14:20,594 why is Barney totally hitting it off 388 00:14:20,595 --> 00:14:22,663 with Third Martini Girl over there? 389 00:14:22,664 --> 00:14:25,099 Oh, my God! 390 00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:27,067 He's going to do it! Yeah. See? 391 00:14:27,068 --> 00:14:29,303 There is no such thing as a jinx. 392 00:14:29,304 --> 00:14:30,270 (gasps) 393 00:14:30,271 --> 00:14:31,438 Tell me she didn't say, 394 00:14:31,439 --> 00:14:33,240 "There's no such thing as a jinx." 395 00:14:33,241 --> 00:14:34,307 Wish I could. 396 00:14:34,308 --> 00:14:35,742 You were about to achieve 397 00:14:35,743 --> 00:14:37,110 something so beautiful! 398 00:14:37,111 --> 00:14:38,878 Well, well, thanks to her, 399 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,414 the only thing that could ruin a surefire hookup 400 00:14:41,415 --> 00:14:43,683 was about to walk through that door. 401 00:14:47,121 --> 00:14:50,056 A member of the 2009 402 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:53,493 World Champion New York Yankees. 403 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,436 Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush. 404 00:15:07,646 --> 00:15:09,196 Well, I guess that's it. 405 00:15:09,197 --> 00:15:11,232 Barney's streak ends at six. 406 00:15:11,233 --> 00:15:12,467 What?! Why?! 407 00:15:12,468 --> 00:15:14,670 Because that guy with the weird hair just walked in? 408 00:15:14,671 --> 00:15:17,239 That's Nick Swisher. 409 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,475 He's a New York Yankee. 410 00:15:19,476 --> 00:15:22,545 No normal guy in New York City can compete with a Yankee. 411 00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,580 And it doesn't even have to be a current Yankee. 412 00:15:24,581 --> 00:15:25,715 When I first moved here, 413 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,117 I was on a fourth date with a girl I really liked, 414 00:15:28,118 --> 00:15:29,485 until I got rack-jacked by Phil Rizzuto. 415 00:15:29,486 --> 00:15:30,452 I was there. 416 00:15:30,453 --> 00:15:32,254 Holy cow, that guy had game. Mm-hmm. 417 00:15:32,255 --> 00:15:34,355 I'm not seeing it. 418 00:15:34,356 --> 00:15:36,590 Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh? 419 00:15:36,591 --> 00:15:37,758 How would you react 420 00:15:37,759 --> 00:15:39,760 if one of those Ca-chuck guys 421 00:15:39,761 --> 00:15:42,996 with the skates and the sticks walked in here? 422 00:15:42,997 --> 00:15:46,699 Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, 423 00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:48,701 my panties would drop so hard, 424 00:15:48,702 --> 00:15:50,803 there'd be a hole in the floor halfway to China. 425 00:15:50,804 --> 00:15:52,238 That's what it's like with the Yankees. 426 00:15:52,239 --> 00:15:54,274 Well, Barney's screwed. 427 00:15:54,275 --> 00:15:55,776 It's happening! Look. 428 00:15:55,777 --> 00:15:57,110 Hey! Want to come over 429 00:15:57,111 --> 00:15:59,980 and look at my snow globe collection? 430 00:15:59,981 --> 00:16:01,248 Snow globe collection? 431 00:16:01,249 --> 00:16:03,117 He's throwing junk out there. 432 00:16:05,854 --> 00:16:07,655 That is Nick Swisher! 433 00:16:07,656 --> 00:16:08,956 (all groan) Good effort. 434 00:16:08,957 --> 00:16:11,292 Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game. 435 00:16:11,293 --> 00:16:12,927 Not good enough. 436 00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:16,130 This whole week was a waste. 437 00:16:16,999 --> 00:16:20,868 And tomorrow, I'm going to get fired. 438 00:16:22,370 --> 00:16:25,005 I'm really sorry, dude. 439 00:16:25,006 --> 00:16:28,041 But for what it's worth, this week wasn't a waste. 440 00:16:28,042 --> 00:16:31,311 We were all having a really horrible week 441 00:16:31,312 --> 00:16:33,347 and you took our minds off it. 442 00:16:33,348 --> 00:16:35,583 Yeah, I had my first student drop my class- it sucked. 443 00:16:35,584 --> 00:16:37,985 I met my soul mate and he never called me back. 444 00:16:37,986 --> 00:16:39,854 I mean yet. He will. 445 00:16:39,855 --> 00:16:41,957 (voice breaking): He will. 446 00:16:41,958 --> 00:16:43,959 We scared off a really great couple 447 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,861 just because we share a toothbrush. 448 00:16:45,862 --> 00:16:48,297 You share a toothbrush?! 449 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,065 Well, them and Ted. 450 00:16:50,066 --> 00:16:50,865 Wha...? 451 00:16:50,866 --> 00:16:52,367 Wait a second. 452 00:16:52,368 --> 00:16:55,504 When we were dating, you borrowed that toothbrush all the time. 453 00:16:55,505 --> 00:16:57,372 Oh, my God. 454 00:16:57,373 --> 00:16:59,141 NARRATOR: And that's when Aunt Lily realized 455 00:16:59,142 --> 00:17:00,676 what's great about sports: 456 00:17:00,677 --> 00:17:03,845 They take your mind off your troubles, if only for a moment. 457 00:17:03,846 --> 00:17:07,482 And deep down, we all needed that perfect week. 458 00:17:08,751 --> 00:17:12,320 The second she sits down next to Swisher, it's all over. 459 00:17:14,656 --> 00:17:16,490 Wait a minute! 460 00:17:16,491 --> 00:17:18,893 MARSHALL: Aldrin's got a bead on her! 461 00:17:22,598 --> 00:17:24,633 She's running out of room. 462 00:17:24,634 --> 00:17:27,035 She dives, and... 463 00:17:27,036 --> 00:17:28,203 (thud) 464 00:17:28,204 --> 00:17:30,106 I have no idea where she's going with this. 465 00:17:30,107 --> 00:17:32,074 Oh, my God, are-are you okay? Yeah. Oh. 466 00:17:32,075 --> 00:17:34,077 Sorry. I'm such a klutz! 467 00:17:34,078 --> 00:17:35,479 Oh, thanks. Ow! 468 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,513 Oh, I... 469 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,881 think I twisted my ankle. 470 00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,183 Can you get me some ice? 471 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,017 Of course. 472 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,652 Oh, my God, she did it! 473 00:17:41,653 --> 00:17:45,089 I guess- I guess there is no such thing as a jinx! 474 00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:52,363 Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily. 475 00:17:52,364 --> 00:17:54,365 MARSHALL: Damn it. 476 00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:55,466 Swisher's back in play! 477 00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:56,567 Swisher's back in play! 478 00:17:56,568 --> 00:17:57,635 Follow me. 479 00:17:57,636 --> 00:17:59,470 Hey, Nick Swisher! 480 00:17:59,471 --> 00:18:01,538 This guy and his wife share a toothbrush! 481 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,806 So? 482 00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:05,809 So, that's weird, right? 483 00:18:05,810 --> 00:18:08,578 Actually, I think it's kind of sweet. 484 00:18:08,579 --> 00:18:11,781 In a way, aren't we all trying to find that special someone 485 00:18:11,782 --> 00:18:13,849 to share a toothbrush with? 486 00:18:13,850 --> 00:18:15,718 Excuse me. 487 00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:17,586 Lily, Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet. 488 00:18:18,688 --> 00:18:21,090 Martini? 489 00:18:21,091 --> 00:18:23,425 We're having a beer with a New York Yankee. 490 00:18:23,426 --> 00:18:24,927 How cool is that? 491 00:18:24,928 --> 00:18:25,961 It's amazing. 492 00:18:25,962 --> 00:18:27,762 I totally follow baseball. 493 00:18:27,763 --> 00:18:30,065 Mookie Wilson, is that a thing? 494 00:18:30,066 --> 00:18:32,033 Yeah, baseball, it's amazing. 495 00:18:32,034 --> 00:18:34,636 But I tell you one thing, it's no hockey. 496 00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:39,440 I live right upstairs. 497 00:18:39,441 --> 00:18:42,009 What do you say we go back to my place? 498 00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:43,244 (sultry laughter) 499 00:18:43,245 --> 00:18:46,447 Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that, 500 00:18:46,448 --> 00:18:49,349 but I feel a real connection here, 501 00:18:49,350 --> 00:18:51,084 seven- Christy. 502 00:18:54,956 --> 00:18:57,123 Please. 503 00:18:58,592 --> 00:19:00,626 I did it! 504 00:19:00,627 --> 00:19:02,528 (all cheering) 505 00:19:02,529 --> 00:19:03,529 I did... 506 00:19:03,530 --> 00:19:05,731 (laughing) 507 00:19:08,101 --> 00:19:10,035 Amazing! 508 00:19:10,036 --> 00:19:12,504 Congratulations on your perfect week! 509 00:19:12,505 --> 00:19:13,704 Thanks, Jim. 510 00:19:13,705 --> 00:19:15,373 I couldn't have done it without my teammates. 511 00:19:15,374 --> 00:19:16,707 Hey, on to a new topic. 512 00:19:16,708 --> 00:19:19,509 Do you really think you might get fired today? 513 00:19:19,510 --> 00:19:22,445 Um, uh, Jim, 514 00:19:22,446 --> 00:19:24,547 I- I-I told you I don't want to talk about that. 515 00:19:24,548 --> 00:19:27,616 Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, 516 00:19:27,617 --> 00:19:29,619 so apparently you do. 517 00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:31,321 Think about that. 518 00:19:32,123 --> 00:19:35,458 What a jerk. You're a jerk. 519 00:19:37,962 --> 00:19:40,730 Mr. Donovan will see you now. 520 00:19:40,731 --> 00:19:44,867 Stinson, we've reached a decision. 521 00:19:46,570 --> 00:19:48,838 We're keeping you on. 522 00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:50,673 (sighs) 523 00:19:50,674 --> 00:19:53,309 I know this past week must have been tough on you. 524 00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:54,677 (chuckles) 525 00:19:54,678 --> 00:19:57,412 I barely slept. 526 00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:58,513 Here you go, guys. 527 00:19:58,514 --> 00:20:01,750 The official hat of Barney's perfect week. 528 00:20:01,751 --> 00:20:02,918 I was going to do shirts, 529 00:20:02,919 --> 00:20:04,753 but then you have to guess sizes. 530 00:20:04,754 --> 00:20:06,621 And feelings get hurt. It's a mess. 531 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,156 In commemoration 532 00:20:08,157 --> 00:20:12,693 of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game, this tie, 533 00:20:12,694 --> 00:20:15,061 worn on the seventh night of his perfect week, 534 00:20:15,062 --> 00:20:17,030 is hereby retired. 535 00:20:17,031 --> 00:20:19,799 May Barney's heroic feat be remembered 536 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,401 and spoken of for generations to come. 537 00:20:23,436 --> 00:20:25,837 I'm totally going to sit my kids down one day 538 00:20:25,838 --> 00:20:27,539 and tell them about the time Uncle Barney 539 00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:29,374 nailed seven chicks in a row. 540 00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:31,042 (all laugh) 541 00:20:31,043 --> 00:20:34,345 NARRATOR: Am I a bad dad? 542 00:20:36,283 --> 00:20:37,817 Take out order for Cook Pu? 543 00:20:37,818 --> 00:20:40,887 We have a number two over here for Cook Pu. 544 00:20:40,888 --> 00:20:43,356 You guys got Wendy saying it now?! 545 00:20:43,357 --> 00:20:45,225 Come on, I- Okay, I get it. 546 00:20:45,226 --> 00:20:47,161 Cook Pu is a stupid name 547 00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:49,530 and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. 548 00:20:49,531 --> 00:20:52,033 Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. 549 00:20:52,034 --> 00:20:53,601 Here. 550 00:21:00,108 --> 00:21:03,377 Transcript by Addic7ed.com