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at my apartment to watch
the Super Bowl.
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Well, not all of us.
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ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to
Super Bowl XLIV in Miami.
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Get a load of that guy.
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You think that's his real number?
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Well, that explains
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where Barney is. Dibs on his wings.
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Transcript by Addic7ed.com
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(ringtone playing) Hey, guys. Hey.
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Does anyone know who won the Super Bowl?
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You were there. It was the... I won,
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because I am now in
possession of a magic phone
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that always rings.
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And do you know who's always
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usually on the other end?
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A chick.
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So how many chicks do I have calling me now?
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Infinity.
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(ringtone continues)
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You guys remember Ranjit. Hello.
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TED & MARSHALL: Hey, Ranjit,
good to see you. Hey.
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I've enlisted Ranjit's
services as my personal driver
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because for the next week,
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I will be sleeping with hundreds of women,
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and I don't want to take the subway,
'cause you know, germs.
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Wait, you're actually gonna
hook up with these girls
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that call you? Oh, indubitably.
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I'm meeting the first one here any minute.
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Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater.
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Based on her texts, she's dirty,
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dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.
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Semicolon, end parentheses.
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TED: This ought to be good.
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I can only imagine the quality
of girl that... Oh, my God,
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you are the guy from the Super Bowl.
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Magic phone, guys, magic phone.
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ROBIN: Hey, guys, hey, Ranjit.
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How's it going? Hey. Hello. Hey.
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That beer looks a little flat.
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It's Scotch.
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Whoa.
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Something troubling you, kiddo?
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(sighs) Don.
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Don was Aunt Robin's co-host on her morning
show.
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Now, even though her show
was on so early
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that no one watched,
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Aunt Robin was a consummate
professional,
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but Don was not.
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Oh, yeah.
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But that morning,
Don had gone too far.
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Now, that's what I call having
a "woof" over your head.
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Don.
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Don?
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Why is Ulee's Gold in
every crossword?
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Oh, it's me? Sorry, sorry.
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Uh, next Sunday is Valentine's Day,
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and one lucky patient will be receiving
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a very special chocolate heart-
a human heart.
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Oh, hey, that reminds me.
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I've been meaning to ask you.
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Robin, do you have any, uh,
Valentine's Day plans?
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He asked you out?
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He asked me out. That's crazy.
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And they use "Ulee" because of the vowels.
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Ah.
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What did you say? Well,
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we were on the air,
I was on the spot, so I said okay.
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(chuckles)
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Robin, you are going to marry
this guy so freaking hard.
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Right in the butt.
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What?! No, I hate Don,
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and now I can't cancel
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because I said I would go
out with him on the air.
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What would your viewer think?
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Whoa, whoa, whoa,
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you said you'd go out
with him on Valentine's?
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I thought we had plans.
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What, getting drunk
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and cleaning the apartment was a plan?
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I did not say it was a good plan.
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Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now,
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and it is getting interesting.
Look at these texts.
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Read this one.
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Yowza!
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Now, look at this one. Does she text
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her mother with those fingers?
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Now, look at this one.
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Or this one
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or this one or this one.
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Okay, okay, okay,
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buddy, how, how about you do this?
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Go nail that girl, then read your texts.
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I can't do that, Ted. (ringtone playing)
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I just can't hook up with a
girl if there is a hotter girl
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out there with whom up can be hooked.
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Isn't there always a hotter girl?
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I know.
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Isn't it wonderful?
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Go for Barney.
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Cut to the chase-- what's your cup size?
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Oh, hi, Mom.
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There's always a hotter girl.
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Isn't that the problem in a nutshell?
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There's too many options-
you got Internet dating,
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you got bars...
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Holding up
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your phone number on national TV.
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(both chuckle)
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I never had that problem.
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When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage,
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and I love my wife more and more every day.
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Hmm. MARSHALL: It is true.
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It's, it's very rare
that two people just meet
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and fall madly in love, like Robin and Don.
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Oh,
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we-we're not even, like,
going out for dinner.
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We're just hanging out at his place.
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LILY & TED: Ooh...
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No, it's not like that.
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It's just us and a bunch of other people.
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Oh. Oh. Whoo...
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Wait, Robin, what exactly did
Don say when he asked you out?
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I'm having some friends over
at my place for a little party.
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You should come by if you want.
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Uh...
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Okay.
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Robin, Don didn't ask you out.
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Uh, of course he asked me out.
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Uh, no, he didn't.
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Yes, he did.
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He did.
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He did-- he did!
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Okay.
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Well, dog
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my cats.
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I think I know what's going on here.
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Robin, did you want Don to ask you out?
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What?! (laughter)
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No, I hate Don.
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I-I can't stop thinking
about how much I hate him.
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It's like, it's like all the time.
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I just want to attack him
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and rip his stupid clothes off
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and just spank him with his little paddle
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until his bum's all red.
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Shut up!
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See?
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That right there is what
free will gets you--
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constant, ego-shattering uncertainty.
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I'm done with that.
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I want what Ranjit has.
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I've spent my entire adult life
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looking for the perfect woman,
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and I'm spending Valentine's
Day scrubbing the toilet.
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I need someone else
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to find me that woman.
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Marshall, Lily, arranged marriage me.
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(ringtone playing) Or this one
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or this one or this one.
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You want us to arrange your marriage?
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Absolutely.
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Look, there's two sides to dating, right?
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Picking and getting picked.
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Getting picked I'm good at.
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Ladies love Teddy West Side.
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You're waiting for me to comment
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on your self-assigned nickname.
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All right, well, here's my comment.
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I love it. Really?
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Teddy West Side, continue.
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It's the picking I suck at.
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I pick the wrong girls, but you guys--
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you're the best pickers I know.
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You picked each other.
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Aw-- well, with a slight assist
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from the Wesleyan Housing Department.
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And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir.
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Get out there, find me a girl.
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We'll double-date on Valentine's Day.
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If I like her, I will marry her...
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if she's cool with it, and she will be...
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'cause I'll wear my nice blazer.
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I love that blazer almost
as much as Robin loves Don.
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I do not love Don.
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Robin,
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neurologically speaking,
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the part of the human brain
that makes you hate people
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is located right next
to the part of the brain
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that makes you want to jump people's bones.
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The two responses are so similar,
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it's hard to tell them apart.
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You know what it's like? Wait.
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I have to get a book.
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Give me 30 seconds!
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Okay, this is fun.
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Look at this picture.
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It's a rabbit.
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You can look at it for hours
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00:06:57,004 --> 00:07:00,239
and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit,
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but then one day you look at it
201
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and you realize-- wait a second--
202
00:07:03,678 --> 00:07:05,979
it's a duck.
203
00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:08,148
Hmm. It's a rabbit, it's a duck.
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Rabbit, duck, rabbit, duck.
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Isn't this fun?
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NARRATOR: It sure was.
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Well, relationships are like that.
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00:07:13,789 --> 00:07:16,458
I mean, look, when you first met Don,
209
00:07:16,459 --> 00:07:17,392
you hated him.
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You thought, "This guy is a duck,"
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00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:21,397
but one of these days,
you're going to realize,
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"This is actually something that I love.
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00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:24,300
He's a rabbit."
214
00:07:24,301 --> 00:07:25,401
TED: Whoa.
215
00:07:25,402 --> 00:07:27,536
I think you got it backwards there, buddy.
216
00:07:27,537 --> 00:07:29,972
The duck is the thing you love,
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00:07:29,973 --> 00:07:32,474
the rabbit is the thing you hate.
218
00:07:32,475 --> 00:07:33,809
What? Yeah, I gotta
219
00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:35,110
agree; ducks up, rabbits down.
220
00:07:35,111 --> 00:07:37,645
Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.
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00:07:37,646 --> 00:07:38,846
MARSHALL: Ducks are...
222
00:07:38,847 --> 00:07:39,947
Ducks are..
223
00:07:39,948 --> 00:07:41,015
MARSHALL: Rabbits are adorable!
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00:07:41,016 --> 00:07:42,250
Ducks are, like...
225
00:07:42,251 --> 00:07:44,886
Have you ever been in a fight with a duck?
226
00:07:44,887 --> 00:07:46,255
I mean, ducks are jerks!
227
00:07:46,256 --> 00:07:48,457
This led to one of the most
intense arguments
228
00:07:48,458 --> 00:07:50,159
our group has ever had.
229
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,160
(fast-forwarding)
230
00:07:51,161 --> 00:07:52,261
Duck is delicious!
231
00:07:52,262 --> 00:07:54,063
Rabbit is all gamey!
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00:07:54,064 --> 00:07:55,764
We're not talking about flavor, Ted!
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00:07:55,765 --> 00:07:56,865
Flavor counts!
234
00:07:56,866 --> 00:07:58,333
(fast-forwarding)
235
00:07:58,334 --> 00:08:00,803
Who carries around a
duck's foot for good luck?!
236
00:08:00,804 --> 00:08:01,837
Anyone?!
237
00:08:01,838 --> 00:08:03,105
(fast-forwarding)
238
00:08:03,106 --> 00:08:04,540
You wrap yourself in a comforter
239
00:08:04,541 --> 00:08:05,841
stuffed with rabbit hair!
240
00:08:05,842 --> 00:08:09,544
I'll wrap myself in one
stuffed with duck feathers!
241
00:08:09,545 --> 00:08:10,713
Who's cozier?
242
00:08:10,714 --> 00:08:13,749
No, no, no, no, but who's cozier?!
243
00:08:13,750 --> 00:08:14,750
(fast-forwarding)
244
00:08:14,751 --> 00:08:16,685
Hold on! I have to get another book!
245
00:08:16,686 --> 00:08:18,187
(fast-forwarding)
246
00:08:18,188 --> 00:08:24,193
(shouting in native tongue)
247
00:08:24,194 --> 00:08:25,828
(fast-forwarding)
248
00:08:25,829 --> 00:08:27,897
Then why don't we take a rabbit, a duck,
249
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:30,733
stick 'em in a cardboard box, and let them
fight it out?!
250
00:08:30,734 --> 00:08:32,235
Because it's illegal, Ted!
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00:08:32,236 --> 00:08:34,237
Only if we bet on it, Marshall!
252
00:08:34,238 --> 00:08:35,805
(fast-forwarding)
253
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:38,141
Fine!
254
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:39,442
I concede!
255
00:08:40,243 --> 00:08:41,577
You win!
256
00:08:41,578 --> 00:08:43,646
Say it.
257
00:08:43,647 --> 00:08:45,815
You have to say it.
258
00:08:46,750 --> 00:08:48,684
Ducks good...
259
00:08:51,354 --> 00:08:52,788
(faintly): rabbits are bad.
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00:08:52,789 --> 00:08:54,389
Yes! Yes!
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00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:55,857
Yes! It feels so good!
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00:08:55,858 --> 00:08:57,092
Yes.
263
00:08:57,093 --> 00:08:58,927
Thank you. And Don is--
264
00:08:58,928 --> 00:09:01,430
and always will be-- a rabbit.
265
00:09:01,431 --> 00:09:03,866
Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin.
266
00:09:03,867 --> 00:09:05,434
Think about it. Don?
267
00:09:05,435 --> 00:09:07,403
Donald?
268
00:09:07,404 --> 00:09:09,939
Donald... Duck?
269
00:09:10,974 --> 00:09:15,611
And what, I wonder,
does Donald Duck never wear?
270
00:09:15,612 --> 00:09:16,546
Pants.
271
00:09:16,547 --> 00:09:17,947
Pants.
272
00:09:19,116 --> 00:09:21,651
Don's a duck.
273
00:09:21,652 --> 00:09:22,985
(sighs) (sighs)
274
00:09:22,986 --> 00:09:24,153
Permission to say "lawyered"?
275
00:09:24,154 --> 00:09:24,955
I'll allow it.
276
00:09:24,956 --> 00:09:26,556
Lawyered.
277
00:09:26,557 --> 00:09:29,225
Yes, kids, sometimes
there's a fine line
278
00:09:29,226 --> 00:09:30,527
between love and hate.
279
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:31,694
Case in point:
280
00:09:31,695 --> 00:09:34,431
There is no place I would rather be...
281
00:09:34,432 --> 00:09:36,866
and no one I'd rather be with.
282
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:40,970
(ringtone playing)
283
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,472
I should get that.
284
00:09:45,509 --> 00:09:47,143
Go for Barney.
285
00:09:47,144 --> 00:09:49,179
Look, I'm sort of in the middle of someone--
286
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:50,847
something right now, and I...
287
00:09:50,848 --> 00:09:53,884
You're a hot lady bullfighter?
288
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,720
You gotta go.
289
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,188
MacLaren's Pub.
290
00:09:59,189 --> 00:10:01,724
MacLaren's Pub.
291
00:10:01,725 --> 00:10:05,994
Well, hello...
292
00:10:05,995 --> 00:10:08,830
There is no place I would rather be
293
00:10:08,831 --> 00:10:10,364
and no one I would rather be...
294
00:10:10,365 --> 00:10:11,732
(ringtone playing)
295
00:10:11,733 --> 00:10:13,567
(sighs)
296
00:10:13,568 --> 00:10:16,870
Would you excuse me for one moment?
297
00:10:16,871 --> 00:10:18,138
Go for Barney.
298
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:19,339
Look, I...
299
00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:22,209
You're a gold medalist
Japanese figure skater?
300
00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:24,045
Adios, muchacha!
301
00:10:24,046 --> 00:10:25,212
MacLaren's Pub!
302
00:10:25,213 --> 00:10:27,481
MacLaren's Pub.
303
00:10:27,482 --> 00:10:30,017
Well, hello...
304
00:10:30,018 --> 00:10:32,220
(perfunctorily): No place I'd rather be,
no one I'd rather...
305
00:10:32,221 --> 00:10:34,589
(ringtone playing) Oh, for Pete's sake!
306
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,391
You're a hot chick?
307
00:10:36,392 --> 00:10:38,293
Sayonara!
308
00:10:38,294 --> 00:10:40,195
MacLaren's Pub!
309
00:10:40,196 --> 00:10:41,563
MacLaren's Pub!
310
00:10:41,564 --> 00:10:43,865
Well, hello...
311
00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:46,201
I realize that you're very busy,
312
00:10:46,202 --> 00:10:48,002
so I'll just get straight to the point.
313
00:10:48,003 --> 00:10:49,170
Okay.
314
00:10:50,272 --> 00:10:51,672
Shakah!
315
00:10:54,042 --> 00:10:55,509
(gasping)
316
00:10:59,347 --> 00:11:01,281
(sputtering)
317
00:11:01,282 --> 00:11:03,583
And that's my bad leg.
318
00:11:03,584 --> 00:11:05,352
Very bad.
319
00:11:05,353 --> 00:11:08,422
(ringtone playing)
320
00:11:08,423 --> 00:11:10,324
Are you okay?
321
00:11:10,325 --> 00:11:11,458
Yeah, of course.
322
00:11:11,459 --> 00:11:13,627
Why, uh... Why wouldn't I be?
323
00:11:13,628 --> 00:11:14,728
(ringtone continues)
324
00:11:14,729 --> 00:11:16,529
Oh. (grunting)
325
00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:18,131
Go for Barney.
326
00:11:18,132 --> 00:11:20,800
NARRATOR: Barney had been sure that
phone was something he loved,
327
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:23,102
but now, he realized it wasn't that at
all.
328
00:11:23,103 --> 00:11:25,738
It was something else entirely.
329
00:11:25,739 --> 00:11:27,573
(yells)
330
00:11:32,212 --> 00:11:34,246
(whimpering)
331
00:11:34,247 --> 00:11:35,881
(yells)
332
00:11:35,882 --> 00:11:37,850
I'm free.
333
00:11:37,851 --> 00:11:40,319
Ah, now this feels right.
334
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,989
There is no place I would rather be.
335
00:11:42,990 --> 00:11:45,591
And no one I would rather be...
336
00:11:45,592 --> 00:11:48,394
(ringtone playing faintly)
337
00:11:48,395 --> 00:11:50,596
Uh, what's wrong?
338
00:11:50,597 --> 00:11:52,865
Did you hear that?
339
00:11:52,866 --> 00:11:54,901
Hear what? Shh, shh, shh, shh.
340
00:11:54,902 --> 00:11:59,072
(ringtone playing louder)
341
00:11:59,073 --> 00:12:00,541
(snorting)
342
00:12:00,542 --> 00:12:03,176
(ringtone playing loudly)
343
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:06,413
(groans)
344
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,749
(yells)
345
00:12:11,253 --> 00:12:12,987
(shouting): MacLaren's Pub!
346
00:12:12,988 --> 00:12:15,089
(shouting): MacLaren's Pub!
347
00:12:15,090 --> 00:12:18,760
(ringtone continues)
348
00:12:20,596 --> 00:12:22,797
No!
349
00:12:24,834 --> 00:12:27,102
(gasping) (ringtone stops)
350
00:12:27,103 --> 00:12:29,371
(crying): Go for Barney.
351
00:12:30,741 --> 00:12:32,708
D cups? Really?
352
00:12:32,709 --> 00:12:35,845
NARRATOR: And then Valentine's Day
arrived-- the deadline
353
00:12:35,846 --> 00:12:38,147
for Marshall and Lily to
find me a wife.
354
00:12:38,148 --> 00:12:40,950
An important job they had,
well, forgotten to do.
355
00:12:40,951 --> 00:12:42,852
Aren't we supposed to go
on a double date with Ted.
356
00:12:42,853 --> 00:12:45,021
Ted? No. He's not seeing anyone. Yeah.
357
00:12:45,022 --> 00:12:47,189
Remember he asked us to find a...
358
00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:49,625
Oh, no.
359
00:12:49,626 --> 00:12:51,627
("Wedding March" plays)
360
00:12:51,628 --> 00:12:54,163
Hey. Hey. Want to get married?
(clicks tongue)
361
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:56,332
I don't know what kind of architect!
362
00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:58,234
Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.
363
00:12:58,235 --> 00:12:59,701
Want to marry my friend Ted?
364
00:12:59,702 --> 00:13:01,303
Want to marry my friend Ted?
365
00:13:01,304 --> 00:13:03,805
Want to marry my friend Ted?
366
00:13:03,806 --> 00:13:05,274
What, you can be choosy?
367
00:13:05,275 --> 00:13:07,943
You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, huh?
368
00:13:07,944 --> 00:13:10,012
Hey, just real quick...
369
00:13:10,013 --> 00:13:11,648
Aah!
370
00:13:11,649 --> 00:13:15,118
You want to marry my friend Ted?
371
00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:16,853
Man, Ted's right.
372
00:13:16,854 --> 00:13:18,388
It's tough out there.
373
00:13:18,389 --> 00:13:19,456
This is stupid.
374
00:13:19,457 --> 00:13:21,491
You know what? We forgot about this.
375
00:13:21,492 --> 00:13:23,227
I'm sure Ted did, also.
376
00:13:23,228 --> 00:13:24,962
âTª Here comes the groom âTª
377
00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:26,797
âTª In his favorite blazer âTª
378
00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:29,200
âTª Gonna meet my wife and I... âTª
379
00:13:29,201 --> 00:13:31,503
Blazer, Tazer.
380
00:13:31,504 --> 00:13:33,071
Gazer, Ta... Bazer?
381
00:13:33,072 --> 00:13:34,439
ROBIN: Hey, Ted?
382
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,540
Yeah?
383
00:13:35,541 --> 00:13:37,242
Before you go meet your future wife,
384
00:13:37,243 --> 00:13:40,409
come to Don's party with me.
385
00:13:41,046 --> 00:13:42,380
That's what you're wearing?
386
00:13:42,381 --> 00:13:43,748
Yeah. Why?
387
00:13:43,749 --> 00:13:45,149
He's a duck.
388
00:13:45,150 --> 00:13:47,250
That dude be straight duckin'.
389
00:13:48,319 --> 00:13:50,887
âTª And I think that I'll amaze her. âTª
390
00:13:50,888 --> 00:13:52,255
Nailed it!
391
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:54,790
NARRATOR: So we went to Don's party.
392
00:13:54,791 --> 00:13:56,792
Look, Robin, I don't want to crowd you
393
00:13:56,793 --> 00:13:58,160
on your little date here, so
394
00:13:58,161 --> 00:13:59,929
if things start to get hot
and heavy with you and Don...
395
00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:01,130
They're not gonna get hot and...
396
00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:02,799
I'm just saying, if they do,
397
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,068
I'll just say, "Well,
I got a dinner rez," and then...
398
00:14:05,069 --> 00:14:06,203
Wait. This is the best part.
399
00:14:06,204 --> 00:14:07,738
I've been working on this for a while.
400
00:14:07,739 --> 00:14:08,472
Hmm.
401
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,074
I'll duck out.
402
00:14:10,075 --> 00:14:11,409
Ha, ha, ha.
403
00:14:11,410 --> 00:14:12,744
Okay, it's not gonna happen.
404
00:14:12,745 --> 00:14:14,512
But, yeah, do that.
405
00:14:14,513 --> 00:14:15,947
Mm-hmm.
406
00:14:17,417 --> 00:14:19,851
Hello, Robin.
407
00:14:19,852 --> 00:14:21,353
(shrieks) Oh!
408
00:14:21,354 --> 00:14:23,988
Well, I got a dinner rez.
409
00:14:26,027 --> 00:14:28,956
Oh! Oh, God, Don,
what the hell are you doing?!
410
00:14:28,991 --> 00:14:31,282
I don't know. It's something
called The Naked Man.
411
00:14:31,317 --> 00:14:33,430
I read about it on some guy's blog.
412
00:14:33,465 --> 00:14:35,066
My God, I'm so stupid.
413
00:14:35,101 --> 00:14:36,859
Why did I ever think it would
work on someone like you?
414
00:14:36,838 --> 00:14:39,573
Yeah, 'cause I would never...
415
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:42,944
Could, like... standards, so, you know.
416
00:14:42,945 --> 00:14:44,913
I-I thought this was a party.
417
00:14:44,914 --> 00:14:47,015
I only said that to get
you to come over here.
418
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,449
I didn't think you'd bring a date.
419
00:14:48,450 --> 00:14:49,784
Ted's not my date.
420
00:14:49,785 --> 00:14:51,352
He's a friend. Oh, God.
421
00:14:51,353 --> 00:14:53,554
You probably think I'm some
kind of playboy now, right?
422
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:59,526
You could say that.
423
00:14:59,527 --> 00:15:01,628
So he's a rabbit.
424
00:15:01,629 --> 00:15:03,363
At least you know for sure.
425
00:15:03,364 --> 00:15:05,031
Ted, this may hurt a little.
426
00:15:05,032 --> 00:15:08,467
I'm recycling your old
Architecture Weekly Magazines.
427
00:15:08,468 --> 00:15:09,835
What are you doing?
428
00:15:09,836 --> 00:15:12,138
Cleaning. You go on your date.
429
00:15:12,139 --> 00:15:13,973
Happy Valentine's Day.
430
00:15:19,213 --> 00:15:20,880
Oh, thank God you're here.
431
00:15:20,881 --> 00:15:22,315
Yeah, I've been thinking.
432
00:15:22,316 --> 00:15:24,250
Um, maybe we should call
this whole thing off.
433
00:15:24,251 --> 00:15:26,519
No! Ted, we got her. What?
434
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,387
We got her. It's, it's the craziest thing.
435
00:15:28,388 --> 00:15:31,257
We were searching all week,
and then, a couple hours ago...
436
00:15:31,258 --> 00:15:32,192
Trudy?
437
00:15:32,193 --> 00:15:33,226
Married.
438
00:15:33,227 --> 00:15:34,493
Blah, blah?
439
00:15:34,494 --> 00:15:35,061
Committed.
440
00:15:35,062 --> 00:15:35,861
Relationship?
441
00:15:35,862 --> 00:15:36,696
Bellevue.
442
00:15:36,697 --> 00:15:38,698
Natalie?
443
00:15:38,699 --> 00:15:40,900
Ted's her least favorite
person in the world.
444
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:43,236
Well, she's not getting any younger.
445
00:15:43,237 --> 00:15:44,370
(ringtone plays)
446
00:15:44,371 --> 00:15:46,138
Get rid of it!
447
00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:46,873
What?
448
00:15:46,874 --> 00:15:48,441
This phone is cursed.
449
00:15:48,442 --> 00:15:50,109
Cursed, I tell you!
450
00:15:50,110 --> 00:15:53,079
I try to ignore it,
but it just never stops ringing!
451
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,914
It's ruining my life!
452
00:15:54,915 --> 00:15:56,116
I should get that.
453
00:15:56,117 --> 00:15:57,050
No, please.
454
00:15:57,051 --> 00:15:58,118
Please!
455
00:15:58,119 --> 00:15:59,452
Please, Marshall, let me answer it.
456
00:15:59,453 --> 00:16:00,620
It could be an emergency.
457
00:16:00,621 --> 00:16:02,856
She could be trapped in a giant bra!
458
00:16:02,857 --> 00:16:04,524
Barney, Barney...
459
00:16:04,525 --> 00:16:07,027
let it go... to voice mail.
460
00:16:07,028 --> 00:16:08,528
(cries)
461
00:16:08,529 --> 00:16:10,697
(mumbling)
462
00:16:10,698 --> 00:16:12,265
Okay.
463
00:16:12,266 --> 00:16:15,268
(crying)
464
00:16:15,269 --> 00:16:17,537
We have to find Ted a wife.
We're being too choosy.
465
00:16:17,538 --> 00:16:19,538
It almost doesn't matter
who it is at this point.
466
00:16:19,539 --> 00:16:21,540
Okay.
467
00:16:21,541 --> 00:16:23,408
(ringtone continues)
468
00:16:23,409 --> 00:16:25,110
It's a phone girl? I know.
469
00:16:25,111 --> 00:16:26,244
I know, but no.
470
00:16:26,245 --> 00:16:27,746
Then we met her, and Ted,
471
00:16:27,747 --> 00:16:31,515
she's a world-class violinist,
she's a gourmet cook, and...
472
00:16:31,516 --> 00:16:33,618
she can quote every line
from Caddyshack.
473
00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:36,154
Wow.
474
00:16:37,490 --> 00:16:38,823
Hello, Ted.
475
00:16:38,824 --> 00:16:42,461
And what brings you to
this nape of the woods?
476
00:16:42,462 --> 00:16:43,896
Neck of the wape?
477
00:16:43,897 --> 00:16:45,732
Why are you here?
478
00:16:47,468 --> 00:16:49,303
NARRATOR: So we all had dinner.
479
00:16:49,304 --> 00:16:52,039
And kids, Marshall and Lily's hard work had
paid off,
480
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,007
because that girl was terrific.
481
00:16:54,008 --> 00:16:55,242
In fact...
482
00:16:55,243 --> 00:16:57,945
Oh, but Natalia, tell Ted the problem.
483
00:16:57,946 --> 00:17:00,313
Yeah, yeah, tell him, tell him!
484
00:17:00,314 --> 00:17:02,249
Well, unfortunately,
485
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:04,718
I'm going to have to leave the country soon
486
00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:06,855
because my visa is about to expire.
487
00:17:06,856 --> 00:17:08,723
LILY (whispering): She needs to get married!
488
00:17:08,724 --> 00:17:10,758
(whispering): Federal law expressly dictates
489
00:17:10,759 --> 00:17:12,927
that a foreign national
can't maintain residency
490
00:17:12,928 --> 00:17:16,063
for longer than six months
without a work visa, so...
491
00:17:16,064 --> 00:17:17,997
NARRATOR: But when it came down to it...
492
00:17:17,998 --> 00:17:19,933
And you, sir? The rabbit or the duck?
493
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:21,100
What?
494
00:17:21,101 --> 00:17:22,301
It's a prix-fixe menu
495
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:23,569
for Valentine's Day,
496
00:17:23,570 --> 00:17:25,804
and we're already out of steak,
fish and chicken.
497
00:17:25,805 --> 00:17:27,606
So, rabbit or duck?
498
00:17:33,145 --> 00:17:35,113
Rabbit. Sorry, guys.
499
00:17:35,114 --> 00:17:36,648
I got to go.
500
00:17:36,649 --> 00:17:39,517
Why would Ted order rabbit
if he was just gonna run out?
501
00:17:39,518 --> 00:17:42,520
(whimpering): I need it back!
Where's the phone?
502
00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:43,955
Well, hello.
503
00:17:43,956 --> 00:17:45,490
Oh, I met you already.
504
00:17:45,491 --> 00:17:46,891
Where's the phone?!
505
00:17:46,892 --> 00:17:48,359
(sighs) It's hidden.
506
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:49,828
Where?!
507
00:17:49,829 --> 00:17:51,396
NARRATOR: Where had Aunt
Lily hidden the phone?
508
00:17:51,397 --> 00:17:53,532
Well, to answer that, we have to back up a
little bit.
509
00:17:53,533 --> 00:17:55,367
You go on your date.
510
00:17:55,368 --> 00:17:57,070
Happy Valentine's Day.
511
00:17:57,071 --> 00:17:59,705
(ringtone playing faintly)
512
00:18:04,979 --> 00:18:07,214
(ringtone playing louder)
513
00:18:07,215 --> 00:18:09,217
It's Barney's phone.
514
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:12,253
I wonder how it got in there.
515
00:18:12,254 --> 00:18:13,855
Ted?
516
00:18:13,856 --> 00:18:15,324
Come on. Big date.
517
00:18:17,426 --> 00:18:18,994
Ah, what's the harm?
518
00:18:18,995 --> 00:18:20,162
Hello?
519
00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:22,698
And just like that, I was hooked.
520
00:18:22,699 --> 00:18:24,332
Terrific. I will see you there.
521
00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:26,301
And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer.
522
00:18:26,302 --> 00:18:29,871
Oh, I think you'll know the
blazer when you see it.
523
00:18:29,872 --> 00:18:31,640
Ooh. I gotta go.
524
00:18:31,641 --> 00:18:32,644
Oh, thank God you're here.
525
00:18:32,742 --> 00:18:34,776
So... rabbit or duck?
526
00:18:41,650 --> 00:18:43,050
Rabbit. Sorry, guys.
527
00:18:43,051 --> 00:18:44,985
I gotta go.
528
00:18:44,986 --> 00:18:47,755
Well, hello.
529
00:18:47,756 --> 00:18:49,123
(ringtone plays)
530
00:18:49,124 --> 00:18:50,791
Sorry, babe. I gotta take this.
531
00:18:50,792 --> 00:18:52,526
Barney's phone.
532
00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:53,460
Teddy West Side speaking.
533
00:18:53,461 --> 00:18:54,695
It's my phone!
534
00:18:54,696 --> 00:18:55,829
I am taking it back!
535
00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:57,331
And I'm taking your cool nickname, too!
536
00:18:57,332 --> 00:18:58,532
Barney West Side speaking.
537
00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:00,535
No! I love it so much! It just keeps ringing
538
00:19:00,536 --> 00:19:02,037
and ringing and ringing. Hey, baby.
539
00:19:02,038 --> 00:19:03,171
Give it to me. Come on.
540
00:19:03,172 --> 00:19:04,773
Stop. It's mine now.
541
00:19:04,774 --> 00:19:05,841
It's not your--
542
00:19:05,842 --> 00:19:08,077
Lily. Ah!
543
00:19:08,078 --> 00:19:09,211
(screaming) No!
544
00:19:09,212 --> 00:19:10,445
Oops.
545
00:19:11,448 --> 00:19:12,815
(scoffs)
546
00:19:12,316 --> 00:19:14,483
Being single sucks. Mm.
547
00:19:14,484 --> 00:19:16,351
It turns you into a crazy person.
548
00:19:16,352 --> 00:19:17,987
I know.
549
00:19:17,988 --> 00:19:20,390
So much running around and
freaking out, and for what?
550
00:19:20,391 --> 00:19:22,057
It's all so you can find someone
551
00:19:22,058 --> 00:19:23,492
you can sit on a couch
552
00:19:23,493 --> 00:19:25,127
and put off cleaning the bathroom with.
553
00:19:25,128 --> 00:19:26,295
(chuckles)
554
00:19:26,296 --> 00:19:28,130
Well, the joke's on the rest of the world,
555
00:19:28,131 --> 00:19:29,965
because we can do that on our own.
556
00:19:30,535 --> 00:19:31,751
Exactly.
557
00:19:31,786 --> 00:19:33,145
Exactly.
558
00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:33,984
Hmm.
559
00:19:44,625 --> 00:19:45,692
Robin, I-I have to apologize--
560
00:19:45,693 --> 00:19:47,893
Just save it. Let's just do the news.
561
00:19:50,030 --> 00:19:51,463
No, listen.
562
00:19:51,464 --> 00:19:53,164
After you left the other night,
563
00:19:53,165 --> 00:19:54,532
I was embarrassed.
564
00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:55,800
Not because I was naked.
565
00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:57,601
I'm actually pretty okay with my body.
566
00:19:57,602 --> 00:19:58,635
Clearly.
567
00:19:58,636 --> 00:20:00,204
(sighs)
568
00:20:00,205 --> 00:20:02,139
I got married in college.
569
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:04,474
I just got divorced three months ago.
570
00:20:04,475 --> 00:20:06,910
I have no idea how to be single.
571
00:20:06,911 --> 00:20:09,246
But that's not why I was embarrassed.
572
00:20:09,247 --> 00:20:11,182
I was embarrassed about my behavior
573
00:20:11,183 --> 00:20:12,784
right here at Channel...
574
00:20:12,785 --> 00:20:14,686
Um...
575
00:20:14,687 --> 00:20:17,222
It starts with a one.
I know that much. Uh...
576
00:20:17,223 --> 00:20:18,858
Twelve. 12! Channel 12.
577
00:20:18,859 --> 00:20:20,526
I mean, just look at your mug.
578
00:20:20,527 --> 00:20:21,794
Right.
579
00:20:21,795 --> 00:20:24,531
Well, no. You look at this mug.
580
00:20:24,532 --> 00:20:25,966
You are a tremendous news anchor.
581
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:29,035
And you deserve a c
o-anchor who gives a crap.
582
00:20:29,970 --> 00:20:33,040
And from here on out, that's gonna be me.
583
00:20:33,041 --> 00:20:35,442
Well, I'll believe that when I see it.
584
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,610
Well, you'll see it right now.
585
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:39,613
I'll go get you some coffee.
586
00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:44,218
Don...
587
00:20:44,219 --> 00:20:45,952
You're wearing pants.
588
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:49,123
Well, look at that.
589
00:20:51,025 --> 00:20:53,393
Ah, duck.
590
00:20:53,394 --> 00:20:59,394
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9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00