1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,052
y of my stories
I'm a starry-eyed romantic
2
00:00:04,053 --> 00:00:06,221
on a noble search
for true love.
3
00:00:06,222 --> 00:00:08,790
In this one, I'm just a jerk.
4
00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:13,428
Well, guys,
tonight is the night.
5
00:00:13,429 --> 00:00:16,130
to see my antique
camera collection.
6
00:00:16,131 --> 00:00:17,332
Ah!
It's Ted's bait.
7
00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:18,399
"Bait"?
8
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,635
A true gentleman
invents a pretense
9
00:00:20,636 --> 00:00:22,937
to lure an honorable lady
into his apartment.
10
00:00:22,938 --> 00:00:25,406
Some item of interest
or beauty you can both
11
00:00:25,407 --> 00:00:26,908
pretend to admire
for five minutes
12
00:00:26,909 --> 00:00:29,377
before she hops
on your disco stick.
13
00:00:29,378 --> 00:00:30,945
Like she's coming up
to "borrow a book"
14
00:00:30,946 --> 00:00:32,981
or "check out an album
on vinyl."
15
00:00:32,982 --> 00:00:34,315
Or to see your
new rap poster.
16
00:00:34,316 --> 00:00:36,050
"Rap poster"?
17
00:00:36,051 --> 00:00:37,285
Who would that work on?
18
00:00:37,286 --> 00:00:39,454
It was the first
week of college.
19
00:00:39,455 --> 00:00:41,422
I was really
into Wu-Tang Clan.
20
00:00:42,391 --> 00:00:43,925
Yeah, bait is tricky.
21
00:00:43,926 --> 00:00:46,694
It has to be something interesting
enough to get the girl upstairs,
22
00:00:46,695 --> 00:00:49,030
but not so interesting
that it overpowers the night.
23
00:00:49,031 --> 00:00:51,432
BARNEY: I found that a
slot machine was too fun.
24
00:00:51,433 --> 00:00:53,635
(coins clinking)
(yelling)
25
00:00:55,137 --> 00:00:56,904
And a trampoline...
26
00:00:56,905 --> 00:00:59,907
turned out to be too dangerous.
27
00:01:00,809 --> 00:01:03,344
But then I found
the perfect bait:
28
00:01:03,345 --> 00:01:05,580
a teacup pig.
29
00:01:07,449 --> 00:01:09,651
"A teacup pig"?
Who's that working on?
30
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,819
You have a teacup pig?! I
didn't know you had a teacup pig!
31
00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:12,787
Can we see the teacup pig?!
32
00:01:12,788 --> 00:01:15,056
Hey, can I borrow
your teacup pig?
33
00:01:15,057 --> 00:01:17,091
Yes, you can borrow
my teacup pig.
34
00:01:17,092 --> 00:01:18,693
You have a teacup pig?!
Oh, my gosh!
35
00:01:18,694 --> 00:01:19,961
I can't believe
you have a teacup pig!
36
00:01:19,962 --> 00:01:21,062
You're just so cute!
37
00:01:21,063 --> 00:01:23,231
Yes, you are the cutest
piggy ever!
38
00:01:23,232 --> 00:01:25,099
What?
39
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,734
Were you always this pretty?
40
00:01:26,735 --> 00:01:28,269
Or are you going
to give me that whole,
41
00:01:28,270 --> 00:01:30,905
"Oh, in high school I was
really shy and awkward" line?
42
00:01:30,906 --> 00:01:32,807
I was shy and awkward.
43
00:01:32,808 --> 00:01:34,342
I was, like,
a hundred pounds heavier
44
00:01:34,343 --> 00:01:36,944
and I had these crazy
buck teeth. Seriously?
45
00:01:36,945 --> 00:01:39,247
No, I've always been hot.
46
00:01:39,248 --> 00:01:41,849
What are you going to do?
(chuckles)
47
00:01:44,053 --> 00:01:46,120
Do you know who else
would love this teacup pig?
48
00:01:46,121 --> 00:01:47,789
Hmm?
49
00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:49,524
My boyfriend.
50
00:01:51,226 --> 00:01:54,595
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
51
00:02:04,206 --> 00:02:05,306
You have a boyfriend?
52
00:02:05,307 --> 00:02:06,474
Ugh, I know.
53
00:02:06,475 --> 00:02:08,609
So annoying, right?
I mean, he's
54
00:02:08,610 --> 00:02:10,411
not really my boyfriend.
55
00:02:10,412 --> 00:02:12,347
Oh, good.
I mean,
56
00:02:12,348 --> 00:02:14,048
technically, he kind of is.
57
00:02:14,049 --> 00:02:15,783
Well, is he or isn't he?
58
00:02:15,784 --> 00:02:19,153
Some of both,
but definitely not either.
59
00:02:19,154 --> 00:02:21,122
Are you getting any of this?
60
00:02:22,257 --> 00:02:24,625
Look, I really like you.
61
00:02:24,626 --> 00:02:26,794
I just need you
to be patient.
62
00:02:26,795 --> 00:02:30,631
I don't want to lose you,
Big Brown Eyes.
63
00:02:32,668 --> 00:02:35,503
Yup. Somebody doesn't
want to lose
64
00:02:35,504 --> 00:02:36,971
Big Brown Eyes.
65
00:02:36,972 --> 00:02:38,539
ROBIN:
Oh, Ted.
66
00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:40,575
She's got you
on the hook.
67
00:02:40,576 --> 00:02:42,610
What? What?
I'm not on the hook.
68
00:02:42,611 --> 00:02:44,779
Oh, you are totally on the hook.
69
00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:46,280
She's stringing
you along.
70
00:02:46,281 --> 00:02:47,715
She's not
committing to you,
71
00:02:47,716 --> 00:02:49,717
but she's keeping you
around just in case,
72
00:02:49,718 --> 00:02:52,987
like an old can of chili
in the pantry.
73
00:02:52,988 --> 00:02:54,322
Um, who's buying
canned chili
74
00:02:54,323 --> 00:02:57,392
and not eating it
immediately? Amen, sister.
75
00:02:58,827 --> 00:03:00,461
Ted, don't feel bad.
We've all been there.
76
00:03:00,462 --> 00:03:01,596
I've been on both
sides of it.
77
00:03:01,597 --> 00:03:03,164
I've been a hookey
and a hooker.
78
00:03:03,165 --> 00:03:04,599
Move past it, guys.
79
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,200
I've been a little
bit loose,
80
00:03:06,201 --> 00:03:08,069
but money never
changed hands.
81
00:03:08,871 --> 00:03:10,671
I've been on the hook.
82
00:03:10,672 --> 00:03:12,740
Lisa Walker.
Picture it:
83
00:03:12,741 --> 00:03:16,411
1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.
84
00:03:16,412 --> 00:03:19,981
So I was, like,
thinking, Lisa-
85
00:03:19,982 --> 00:03:24,752
do you maybe want to,
like, go out with me?
86
00:03:24,753 --> 00:03:27,188
That sounds great.
87
00:03:27,189 --> 00:03:29,257
But I'm sort
of seeing this guy.
88
00:03:29,258 --> 00:03:30,525
He's got
a LeBaron convertible
89
00:03:30,526 --> 00:03:32,093
and an "in"
at the roller rink,
90
00:03:32,094 --> 00:03:34,262
so I'd hate
to burn that bridge.
91
00:03:35,864 --> 00:03:38,399
I understand.
92
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,034
But how about this?
93
00:03:40,035 --> 00:03:41,636
You can be
my secret boyfriend
94
00:03:41,637 --> 00:03:43,271
who does all my
homework for me.
95
00:03:46,241 --> 00:03:47,775
A'ight.
96
00:03:48,677 --> 00:03:50,945
You want to see
my rap poster?
97
00:03:50,946 --> 00:03:52,814
Poster whore.
98
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:54,382
MARSHALL:
Anyway...
99
00:03:54,383 --> 00:03:57,084
Lisa Walker strung me
along for months
100
00:03:57,085 --> 00:04:00,354
until one night,
I went to go tell her
101
00:04:00,355 --> 00:04:01,656
how much I loved her.
102
00:04:01,657 --> 00:04:02,857
BOTH: Aww. Hmm. Ugh.
103
00:04:02,858 --> 00:04:04,058
In song.
104
00:04:04,059 --> 00:04:05,393
(all groaning)
105
00:04:05,394 --> 00:04:06,661
MARSHALL:
She wasn't home yet,
106
00:04:06,662 --> 00:04:08,896
so I waited.
107
00:04:10,332 --> 00:04:12,567
And waited.
108
00:04:13,735 --> 00:04:17,138
I woke up four hours later,
covered in snow.
109
00:04:17,139 --> 00:04:19,173
And that's when I saw it.
110
00:04:20,976 --> 00:04:22,643
Lisa's footsteps.
111
00:04:22,644 --> 00:04:25,980
She had walked right over me
and into the house.
112
00:04:27,416 --> 00:04:29,016
It was the best thing
that could have happened.
113
00:04:29,017 --> 00:04:30,485
It got me off her hook.
114
00:04:30,486 --> 00:04:32,019
Okay, that is
definitely not
115
00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:33,488
what's going on
with me and Tiffany.
116
00:04:33,489 --> 00:04:34,822
Listen to this.
117
00:04:34,823 --> 00:04:37,925
I'm really into you.
118
00:04:37,926 --> 00:04:41,362
I just can't be
with you right now.
119
00:04:42,297 --> 00:04:44,131
Huh?! Huh?!
120
00:04:44,132 --> 00:04:46,834
Ted, "right no"
is the classic
121
00:04:46,835 --> 00:04:48,436
on-the-hook catchphrase.
MARSHALL: Yup.
122
00:04:48,437 --> 00:04:51,272
"Right now" paints a picture of
some sort of magical future time
123
00:04:51,273 --> 00:04:52,373
when everything will work out,
124
00:04:52,374 --> 00:04:55,309
but the truth is,
that will never happen.
125
00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:56,210
BARNEY:
It's like this.
126
00:04:56,211 --> 00:04:59,080
"I can't be with you." Boom!
127
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,648
"Right now."
128
00:05:00,649 --> 00:05:02,783
(creaking)
129
00:05:03,752 --> 00:05:04,852
LILY:
Yeah.
130
00:05:04,853 --> 00:05:06,521
I think my high school
boyfriend, Scooter,
131
00:05:06,522 --> 00:05:08,256
is still sort of
on the hook for me.
132
00:05:08,257 --> 00:05:10,324
Sort of?
He totally is.
133
00:05:10,325 --> 00:05:13,160
The poor guy showed up at our
wedding hoping to win you back.
134
00:05:13,161 --> 00:05:14,428
LILY:
Yeah.
135
00:05:14,429 --> 00:05:15,563
It's still sometimes weird
136
00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:17,632
when I see him at work.
Wait. What?
137
00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:20,568
Scooter works in
the school cafeteria.
138
00:05:20,569 --> 00:05:22,036
We've talked about this.
139
00:05:22,037 --> 00:05:23,671
Hey, Lily.
Nice dress.
140
00:05:23,672 --> 00:05:25,506
Tater-tots?
141
00:05:25,507 --> 00:05:27,441
(mouthing)
142
00:05:29,344 --> 00:05:31,512
We most certainly have
not talked about this!
143
00:05:31,513 --> 00:05:32,680
Yes, we have.
144
00:05:32,681 --> 00:05:34,515
I've mentioned it
tons of times.
145
00:05:34,516 --> 00:05:36,384
"Lunch Lady Scooter."
146
00:05:36,385 --> 00:05:38,386
I thought that
you were referring
147
00:05:38,387 --> 00:05:41,088
to some sort of long overdue
device that carries around
148
00:05:41,089 --> 00:05:43,758
those poor,
underappreciated lunch ladies!
149
00:05:43,759 --> 00:05:46,193
This explains a lot.
150
00:05:46,194 --> 00:05:48,763
Lunch Lady Scooter
was there again today.
151
00:05:48,764 --> 00:05:51,232
Oh, yeah? Did you
jump on that thing?
152
00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:53,501
Give it a ride?
No!
153
00:05:53,502 --> 00:05:55,937
Really? If it were me,
I'd be riding that scooter
154
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,906
all day long until I broke
that thang in half.
155
00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:02,476
So those poor women still
have to walk everywhere?
156
00:06:03,312 --> 00:06:05,479
Wait. Scooter is working
at your school?!
157
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,082
Are you jealous?
158
00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:10,284
No, I just feel bad
for Scooter.
159
00:06:10,285 --> 00:06:11,919
'Cause the only reason
he took that job
160
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,254
is he thinks
he has a shot with you.
161
00:06:13,255 --> 00:06:15,222
You have to make it clear
that he doesn't,
162
00:06:15,223 --> 00:06:17,491
so that he can move on
and a real lunch lady
163
00:06:17,492 --> 00:06:19,327
can get her
job back. Damn!
164
00:06:19,328 --> 00:06:21,195
I've tried.
165
00:06:21,196 --> 00:06:22,697
Hey, Lily.
166
00:06:22,698 --> 00:06:26,133
I saw you had seventh period
free. So do I.
167
00:06:26,134 --> 00:06:27,802
You want to run away together?
168
00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:30,504
Let me be clear, Scooter.
169
00:06:30,505 --> 00:06:34,542
There is no way you and I
can ever be together.
170
00:06:42,818 --> 00:06:44,218
Right now.
171
00:06:44,219 --> 00:06:45,519
I'll see you tomorrow, Lily.
172
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,455
It's Tijuana Tuesday.
173
00:06:48,824 --> 00:06:51,459
"Right now"?
174
00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:52,827
You right-now'd Scooter?
175
00:06:52,828 --> 00:06:55,630
You need to let Scooter
off the hook once and for all.
176
00:06:55,631 --> 00:06:56,697
LILY:
You're right.
177
00:06:56,698 --> 00:06:57,832
Day after tomorrow,
178
00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:59,333
that's exactly what
I'm going to do.
179
00:06:59,334 --> 00:07:00,668
Why not tomorrow?
180
00:07:00,669 --> 00:07:03,838
Baby, I can't ruin
Tijuana Tuesday.
181
00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:06,807
Really?
182
00:07:06,808 --> 00:07:09,610
You're really going to sit here
all night watching the door
183
00:07:09,611 --> 00:07:12,446
because Tiffany said
she'll "try to stop by"?
184
00:07:12,447 --> 00:07:14,782
Barney, I'm not going
to just give up on her.
185
00:07:14,783 --> 00:07:17,051
NARRATOR:
I should have given up on her.
186
00:07:17,052 --> 00:07:19,520
This girl is special.
187
00:07:19,521 --> 00:07:22,023
She was the devil.
188
00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:24,291
Things are going
to work out with Tiffany.
189
00:07:24,292 --> 00:07:26,894
No, they're not, dumbass.
190
00:07:26,895 --> 00:07:30,431
Ted, let me be clear:
this girl is a poison
191
00:07:30,432 --> 00:07:33,334
and you need to cut her
out of your life forever.
192
00:07:34,870 --> 00:07:36,804
Hey, there she is.
193
00:07:39,441 --> 00:07:41,575
Oh, she brought
some of her coworkers.
194
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,448
Hang on to this girl, Ted.
195
00:07:47,449 --> 00:07:49,650
Hang on to her
and never let go!
196
00:07:56,302 --> 00:07:58,603
these are some of the
hottest girls I've ever seen.
197
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,138
And they all work with Tiffany?
198
00:08:00,139 --> 00:08:02,107
Yup.
There could only be
199
00:08:02,108 --> 00:08:04,175
one explanation for this.
200
00:08:04,176 --> 00:08:06,211
Ted...
201
00:08:06,212 --> 00:08:07,879
is Tiffany a ph-ph-ph...
202
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,215
pharmaceutical sales rep?
203
00:08:10,216 --> 00:08:11,383
Yeah, how did you know that?
204
00:08:11,384 --> 00:08:12,417
And you never thought
205
00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:14,586
to mention that?
206
00:08:14,587 --> 00:08:16,421
What? It's just a job.
207
00:08:16,422 --> 00:08:17,756
(stammers)
208
00:08:17,757 --> 00:08:20,725
Just a j... just a jah...
209
00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,728
Ted, throughout time
210
00:08:23,729 --> 00:08:26,064
there has always been one
cutting-edge profession
211
00:08:26,065 --> 00:08:28,967
to which hot girls,
like Tiffany, have flocked.
212
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:30,235
Shall I walk you
through the history?
213
00:08:30,236 --> 00:08:31,936
I'm gonna explicitly say no.
214
00:08:31,937 --> 00:08:35,206
It all started
2.5 million years ago.
215
00:08:35,207 --> 00:08:37,308
BARNEY:
Man was a hunter.
216
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:40,211
So, the hottest
profession of the day?
217
00:08:40,212 --> 00:08:41,312
Gatherer.
218
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,748
Homo erectus indeed.
219
00:08:46,585 --> 00:08:48,353
As man mastered technology,
220
00:08:48,354 --> 00:08:50,855
the hottest profession
of the day evolved.
221
00:08:50,856 --> 00:08:52,424
I'm pretty sure
it's a hernia.
222
00:08:52,425 --> 00:08:54,592
Can you check again?
223
00:08:57,530 --> 00:09:00,165
And then,
man took to the skies.
224
00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:02,734
And so, hot women
put on high heels
225
00:09:02,735 --> 00:09:04,269
and became stewardesses.
226
00:09:05,704 --> 00:09:08,473
I am in the upright
and locked position.
227
00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:14,946
And then man said,
"Life is hard.
228
00:09:14,947 --> 00:09:17,415
I should start taking
lotsf prescription drugs."
229
00:09:17,416 --> 00:09:18,583
And so, hot girls
230
00:09:18,584 --> 00:09:20,318
rolled into doctors' offices,
231
00:09:20,319 --> 00:09:22,787
looking sexy enough to render
the very erection pills
232
00:09:22,788 --> 00:09:24,422
they peddled
ironically redundant.
233
00:09:24,423 --> 00:09:25,623
So now,
234
00:09:25,624 --> 00:09:27,559
pharma girls are today's
235
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:28,960
hottest profession.
236
00:09:30,062 --> 00:09:32,597
Hey, Big Brown Eyes.
How you doing?
237
00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:34,799
I'm good.
238
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,201
Hey, by the way, you, uh,
239
00:09:36,202 --> 00:09:38,203
you ditch that
loser boyfriend yet?
240
00:09:38,204 --> 00:09:39,838
No, sir.
241
00:09:42,842 --> 00:09:44,576
Touched my nose.
242
00:09:44,577 --> 00:09:48,113
Dude, ditch Tiffany
and join the Barnacle
243
00:09:48,114 --> 00:09:50,014
in a pharma girl free-for-all.
244
00:09:50,015 --> 00:09:52,684
Side effects may include
loss of clothing, rug burn,
245
00:09:52,685 --> 00:09:55,220
shortness of breath and sore
abdominals the next morning.
246
00:09:55,221 --> 00:09:57,188
What in the world is up?!
247
00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:01,826
Hey. So...
248
00:10:01,827 --> 00:10:03,461
I know that you've
been having trouble
249
00:10:03,462 --> 00:10:05,296
letting Scooter off the hook.
250
00:10:05,297 --> 00:10:07,599
Well, I decided what you need
is practice.
251
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,635
Now, you say the problem
is his cute, sad eyes?
252
00:10:11,337 --> 00:10:12,737
Well...
253
00:10:16,375 --> 00:10:18,376
Aww!
254
00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:20,645
All right, shut it, woman.
255
00:10:20,646 --> 00:10:23,181
Now, I want you
to look at this
256
00:10:23,182 --> 00:10:26,217
teacup pig and tell him
that there's no way
257
00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:28,319
that you could ever be with him.
258
00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:35,126
Teacup Pig, there is no way
259
00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:37,428
I can ever be with you.
260
00:10:45,504 --> 00:10:46,671
Right now.
261
00:10:46,672 --> 00:10:48,439
Oh, come on!
Grow a pair!
262
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,441
I'm sorry, but he's
263
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,610
just so freakin' cute.
264
00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:55,013
I just want to cuddle him
all day long.
265
00:10:55,014 --> 00:10:57,048
Yes, I do.
You know that's funny.
266
00:10:57,049 --> 00:10:59,651
I remember when you used to say
things like that about me.
267
00:10:59,652 --> 00:11:01,152
Oh, I still do.
268
00:11:01,153 --> 00:11:03,888
Yeah, not as much, Lily.
269
00:11:03,889 --> 00:11:05,890
Not as much.
270
00:11:07,159 --> 00:11:08,359
(laughs)
271
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,061
â?ª Ain't no party like
a pharma girl party â?ª
272
00:11:10,062 --> 00:11:12,030
â?ª 'Cause a pharma girl
party don't stop! â?ª
273
00:11:12,031 --> 00:11:14,766
Dude, I have already hooked
up with three of them.
274
00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:15,934
Fantasmo.
275
00:11:15,935 --> 00:11:17,869
Plus, my cholesterol
is down.
276
00:11:17,870 --> 00:11:19,404
My restless legs
syndrome is cured.
277
00:11:19,405 --> 00:11:21,372
I've never felt
more alive- oh.
278
00:11:21,373 --> 00:11:24,108
Guys, great news.
279
00:11:24,109 --> 00:11:25,810
Tiffany broke up
with her boyfriend.
280
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,245
Proof that I am
not on the hook.
281
00:11:27,246 --> 00:11:28,680
Oh, you're still on the
hook. (Lily chuckles)
282
00:11:28,681 --> 00:11:32,016
Ah, uh-uh, listen
to how we spent last night.
283
00:11:32,017 --> 00:11:34,219
First, we cuddled.
284
00:11:36,088 --> 00:11:40,124
Then, we shared chocolate cake.
285
00:11:40,125 --> 00:11:43,895
Then, well, I don't usually
join in on locker room talk,
286
00:11:43,896 --> 00:11:48,233
but I gave her
a pretty sensual foot rub.
287
00:11:49,435 --> 00:11:54,339
And let me guess: it didn't
go any further than that.
288
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:55,506
Well, no, but...
289
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,508
And tell me,
did you by any chance
290
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,177
make that chocolate cake?
291
00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:01,346
It was a mix.
292
00:12:01,347 --> 00:12:02,313
Dude.
293
00:12:02,314 --> 00:12:04,616
There's no shame
in admitting it, Ted.
294
00:12:04,617 --> 00:12:06,551
We've all been
on people's hooks
295
00:12:06,552 --> 00:12:08,953
and we've all kept
someone on the hook.
296
00:12:08,954 --> 00:12:10,855
Um, I most certainly
have not.
297
00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:11,923
(scoffing):
What?!
298
00:12:11,924 --> 00:12:13,157
Are you joking?
299
00:12:13,158 --> 00:12:16,327
What about that girl from
the university library?
300
00:12:16,328 --> 00:12:17,929
Um, Henrietta?
301
00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:20,031
Henrietta and I
are just friends.
302
00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:22,233
Oh, she is so
on your hook.
303
00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:24,002
Absolutely not.
304
00:12:24,003 --> 00:12:25,703
NARRATOR:
She totally was.
305
00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:26,904
I mean...
306
00:12:26,905 --> 00:12:28,673
we cuddled.
307
00:12:28,674 --> 00:12:31,276
(sighs)
308
00:12:31,277 --> 00:12:34,012
We shared chocolate cake.
309
00:12:34,013 --> 00:12:35,546
(chuckles)
310
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:38,316
She gave me foot rubs-
long ones.
311
00:12:38,317 --> 00:12:40,885
I'm not proud, kids.
312
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,654
You like having Henrietta
around for the same reason
313
00:12:42,655 --> 00:12:44,756
that Tiffany likes
having you around:
314
00:12:44,757 --> 00:12:46,958
it's a nice
little ego boost.
315
00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:48,359
No wonder
you're such an expert
316
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,194
about keeping people
on the hook.
317
00:12:50,195 --> 00:12:52,430
What about that poor
camera guy you work with?
318
00:12:52,431 --> 00:12:54,098
Mike and I are
just friends.
319
00:12:54,099 --> 00:12:55,800
Come on.
320
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:57,535
Mmm...
321
00:12:57,536 --> 00:13:00,338
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
322
00:13:00,339 --> 00:13:01,706
Robin, have you
ever thought
323
00:13:01,707 --> 00:13:03,941
about taking us
to the next level?
324
00:13:03,942 --> 00:13:05,610
Well, if you're talking
about doing my laundry,
325
00:13:05,611 --> 00:13:06,711
I'm on board.
326
00:13:06,712 --> 00:13:08,179
You got yourself a deal.
327
00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:09,847
Hmm.
328
00:13:09,848 --> 00:13:10,848
What?!
329
00:13:10,849 --> 00:13:12,917
I- I am not keeping
Mike on the hook.
330
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,752
You are Captain Hook.
331
00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:16,287
Dude, I'm a girl.
332
00:13:16,288 --> 00:13:18,790
Okayour girl parts
are like a spiderweb.
333
00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:20,858
Sometimes you're gonna
catch stuff you don't want.
334
00:13:20,859 --> 00:13:22,393
That doesn't
335
00:13:22,394 --> 00:13:23,494
make it okay.
336
00:13:23,495 --> 00:13:25,730
Oh, a-and Henrietta
is in, in no way
337
00:13:25,731 --> 00:13:27,165
wasting her time
with you, right?
338
00:13:27,166 --> 00:13:29,133
Henrietta knows
that we're just friends.
339
00:13:29,134 --> 00:13:30,835
In fact,
I'm gonna call her up
340
00:13:30,836 --> 00:13:34,038
and hang out with her tonight
as friends.
341
00:13:34,039 --> 00:13:35,540
Hey, Ted.
Hey.
342
00:13:35,541 --> 00:13:36,774
I love you.
343
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,376
What?
Uh, do you want a foot massage?
344
00:13:38,377 --> 00:13:40,545
'Cause I've been practicing
on myself.
345
00:13:40,546 --> 00:13:42,580
No, I'm good.
346
00:13:42,581 --> 00:13:44,048
I didn't know
if you were hungry,
347
00:13:44,049 --> 00:13:46,417
so I just threw together some...
it's not a big deal.
348
00:13:46,418 --> 00:13:49,087
Kids, looking back,
I don't know how I didn't see
349
00:13:49,088 --> 00:13:51,222
that Henrietta was madly
in love with me.
350
00:13:51,223 --> 00:13:52,290
(phone rings)
351
00:13:52,291 --> 00:13:54,926
Oh.
352
00:13:54,927 --> 00:13:56,961
Hello.
Hey, Ted.
353
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:57,962
Hey, Tiffany.
354
00:13:57,963 --> 00:13:58,930
I'm going out of town
355
00:13:58,931 --> 00:13:59,964
this weekend
for my friend's wedding.
356
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,400
Want to be my date?
357
00:14:02,401 --> 00:14:03,668
I would love to.
358
00:14:03,669 --> 00:14:05,136
Hey, what are you doing
right now?
359
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:06,904
Oh, God, no.
360
00:14:06,905 --> 00:14:09,307
Awesome. Okay, I'll see you
in, like, ten minutes?
361
00:14:09,308 --> 00:14:10,608
Great.
362
00:14:10,609 --> 00:14:12,310
Soy, Henrietta,
363
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:13,344
something came up.
364
00:14:13,345 --> 00:14:15,279
Take a rain check, pal?
365
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,748
Yeah, it's no problem.
366
00:14:16,749 --> 00:14:18,616
All right, yeah, hey-ho.
Oh, you're strong.
367
00:14:18,617 --> 00:14:21,419
What a jerk.
368
00:14:22,221 --> 00:14:24,088
Henrietta, I...
369
00:14:24,089 --> 00:14:25,890
Wait. Where
did Ted go?
370
00:14:25,891 --> 00:14:27,592
I thought we were finally
going to get to meet him.
371
00:14:27,593 --> 00:14:28,793
Yeah, something came up,
okay, Mom?
372
00:14:28,794 --> 00:14:32,397
I told you
there was no Ted.
373
00:14:32,398 --> 00:14:34,899
I heard that.
374
00:14:39,073 --> 00:14:41,074
So there I was,
at one of the surest signs
375
00:14:41,075 --> 00:14:43,477
of taking a relationship
to the next level:
376
00:14:43,478 --> 00:14:45,278
an out-of-town wedding.
377
00:14:45,279 --> 00:14:46,713
It was finally happening.
378
00:14:46,714 --> 00:14:47,981
Champagne?
379
00:14:47,982 --> 00:14:50,917
Ted, oh, my gosh,
I forgot to call you.
380
00:14:50,918 --> 00:14:52,352
Well, whatever it is
you wanted to talk about,
381
00:14:52,353 --> 00:14:53,687
we can talk about it now.
382
00:14:55,757 --> 00:14:56,790
This is Jack.
383
00:14:56,791 --> 00:14:58,492
He's the best man
at the wedding.
384
00:14:58,493 --> 00:15:00,661
We just got back together.
385
00:15:00,662 --> 00:15:01,962
You know, now that
I think about it,
386
00:15:01,963 --> 00:15:03,730
a phone call
would have been nice.
387
00:15:03,731 --> 00:15:06,667
You're Ted? Ouch.
388
00:15:06,668 --> 00:15:09,536
But I hear you make
a mean chocolate cake.
389
00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:14,041
Oh, isn't he great?
390
00:15:14,042 --> 00:15:16,376
And he's in a band.
(squeals)
391
00:15:16,377 --> 00:15:19,046
Thanks.
392
00:15:19,047 --> 00:15:21,348
Come on, Lily. You have
to get Scooter off the hook.
393
00:15:21,349 --> 00:15:22,516
Now, try again.
394
00:15:22,517 --> 00:15:25,886
Teacup Pig, oh...
395
00:15:26,888 --> 00:15:28,622
I don't want to be with you.
396
00:15:35,530 --> 00:15:36,997
Right now.
397
00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:39,399
Man up!
398
00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:43,804
Teacup Pig...
399
00:15:43,805 --> 00:15:45,772
I don't want to be with you.
400
00:15:50,478 --> 00:15:51,978
Ever.
401
00:15:51,979 --> 00:15:53,380
Finish him!
402
00:15:53,381 --> 00:15:55,415
We will never be together
403
00:15:55,416 --> 00:15:58,385
in any sort of sexual way
ever again.
404
00:15:58,386 --> 00:15:59,553
Nice.
405
00:15:59,554 --> 00:16:02,022
Sort of a weird thing
to say to a pig.
406
00:16:02,023 --> 00:16:03,190
It felt really wrong.
407
00:16:04,992 --> 00:16:07,360
Anyway, I just don't think
you and I are going to work.
408
00:16:07,962 --> 00:16:09,930
(whispers):
Right now.
409
00:16:09,931 --> 00:16:12,132
NARRATOR:
And that's when it hit me.
410
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,433
I was on the hook.
411
00:16:13,434 --> 00:16:14,935
I also realized...
412
00:16:14,936 --> 00:16:17,204
I missed this
so much, baby.
413
00:16:17,205 --> 00:16:19,206
...Tiffany was
on this guy's hook.
414
00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:20,640
It was a vicious cycle.
415
00:16:20,641 --> 00:16:22,209
Henrietta was on my hook.
416
00:16:22,210 --> 00:16:24,444
And years later, I found out
this poor bastard
417
00:16:24,445 --> 00:16:26,012
was on Henrietta's hook.
418
00:16:28,916 --> 00:16:30,617
You know what?
419
00:16:30,618 --> 00:16:33,220
We're not going to work ever.
420
00:16:34,222 --> 00:16:35,989
I'm done.
421
00:16:38,793 --> 00:16:40,627
And it's really better
for the circulation
422
00:16:40,628 --> 00:16:42,696
if you knead the arches
with your thumbs.
423
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:44,197
Now, I'm done.
424
00:16:46,901 --> 00:16:49,703
Marshall, I can
do this by myself.
425
00:16:49,704 --> 00:16:51,304
Okay, well, then prove it.
426
00:16:52,273 --> 00:16:54,274
And, um...
427
00:16:54,275 --> 00:16:56,309
Grab me a pudding.
428
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,881
Listen up, Scooter.
429
00:17:00,882 --> 00:17:04,050
There is no way
you and I will ever be together.
430
00:17:11,692 --> 00:17:13,160
Right now!
Marshall!
431
00:17:13,161 --> 00:17:16,563
I'm sorry, but he's
adorable. Listen.
432
00:17:16,564 --> 00:17:17,898
I don't want to be with you.
433
00:17:17,899 --> 00:17:19,733
Right now.
Hang in there, Scoots!
434
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,468
I'm not going to live forever.
435
00:17:22,537 --> 00:17:24,938
Last night I was with
this pharma girl who was
436
00:17:24,939 --> 00:17:26,439
so hot, you should call a doctor
437
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,242
if you don't have an erection
for more than four hours.
438
00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:31,511
Am I right, people?
439
00:17:31,512 --> 00:17:32,546
Yeah, there's no people-
440
00:17:32,547 --> 00:17:34,848
just the girl
you most recently dated.
441
00:17:34,849 --> 00:17:36,116
(clicks tongue)
442
00:17:36,117 --> 00:17:37,584
Hey, Barney.
443
00:17:37,585 --> 00:17:39,920
I want you to meet
the newest pharma girl.
444
00:17:39,921 --> 00:17:40,987
Oh.
445
00:17:40,988 --> 00:17:41,988
Gladys Reynolds.
446
00:17:41,989 --> 00:17:43,423
Nice to make
your acquaintance.
447
00:17:43,424 --> 00:17:47,194
I represent statins and other
cholesterol-lowering drugs.
448
00:17:47,195 --> 00:17:49,296
Come on, girl.
Let's go get our drink on.
449
00:17:51,132 --> 00:17:53,433
It's over.
450
00:17:53,434 --> 00:17:54,634
What's over?
451
00:17:54,635 --> 00:17:58,905
Pharma girls are no longer
exclusively hot chicks.
452
00:17:58,906 --> 00:18:01,341
It's the en.
You're being
453
00:18:01,342 --> 00:18:02,375
a little dramatic.
454
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:03,743
Am I?
455
00:18:03,744 --> 00:18:05,478
It starts out with a Gladys.
456
00:18:05,479 --> 00:18:07,747
Next thing you know,
a few not-so-fabulous
457
00:18:07,748 --> 00:18:09,316
gay guys enter the ranks.
458
00:18:09,317 --> 00:18:10,684
And before
you know it,
459
00:18:10,685 --> 00:18:12,986
pharma girls look like the crew
460
00:18:12,987 --> 00:18:16,089
on a Southwest flight
from Albuquerque to Little Rock.
461
00:18:17,225 --> 00:18:19,860
It's over!
462
00:18:19,861 --> 00:18:22,929
So that night, I went
straight to Henrietta's-
463
00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:24,931
all set to let her
off the hook.
464
00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:34,975
This is Jack.
465
00:18:34,976 --> 00:18:36,710
He's the best man
at the wedding.
466
00:18:40,681 --> 00:18:42,883
I'm done.
467
00:18:46,254 --> 00:18:48,321
Yes!
468
00:18:48,322 --> 00:18:50,523
The answer is yes!
469
00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:53,293
No.
470
00:18:53,294 --> 00:18:55,829
Oh, it gets worse.
471
00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:57,364
It's perfect!
472
00:18:57,365 --> 00:19:00,333
Mom, Dad!
Ted proposed!
473
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,836
Oh, my God!
I knew this day would come!
474
00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:03,870
(stammering)
475
00:19:03,871 --> 00:19:06,072
Son!
Yeah, well, there's been a...
476
00:19:06,073 --> 00:19:08,975
No. What did you do?
477
00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:12,846
I seriously considered
just marrying her
478
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,347
out of sheer awkwardness.
479
00:19:15,016 --> 00:19:16,583
But I did what I had to do.
480
00:19:16,584 --> 00:19:20,220
I did what anyone keeping
someone on the hook should do.
481
00:19:20,221 --> 00:19:21,855
I broke her heart.
482
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:24,257
Henrietta, I'm sorry
if this is blunt,
483
00:19:24,258 --> 00:19:26,026
but I think
I owe you this.
484
00:19:27,295 --> 00:19:30,030
I don't want to be with you.
485
00:19:30,031 --> 00:19:32,532
Right now?
486
00:19:32,533 --> 00:19:34,401
Ever.
487
00:19:36,070 --> 00:19:38,838
But we're still
getting married, right?
488
00:19:38,839 --> 00:19:42,475
It was brutal.
489
00:19:42,476 --> 00:19:43,877
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
490
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,845
Honesty is tough,
but in the end,
491
00:19:45,846 --> 00:19:48,214
it is the far kinder
alternative.
492
00:19:48,215 --> 00:19:50,050
Yeah.
493
00:19:50,051 --> 00:19:52,118
Hey, sweetie.
494
00:19:53,921 --> 00:19:55,155
Hey, Mike.
495
00:19:55,156 --> 00:19:57,424
I have to tell
you something.
496
00:19:58,225 --> 00:20:00,226
Wait. Did you finish
my delicates?
497
00:20:00,227 --> 00:20:02,562
Got one more load.
Ah, it can wait.
498
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:07,734
I...
499
00:20:13,454 --> 00:20:15,088
Hey.
Hey, how's it going?
500
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:17,490
Still in mourning over the end
of the pharma girl era?
501
00:20:17,491 --> 00:20:20,059
No. I realized
that their reign
502
00:20:20,060 --> 00:20:22,929
had to end to make room for some
new hot girl profession.
503
00:20:24,064 --> 00:20:27,667
Maybe it'll be intergalactic
communications officer
504
00:20:27,668 --> 00:20:30,003
on a rocket ship
to some distant solar system
505
00:20:30,004 --> 00:20:31,804
we can't possibly imagine.
506
00:20:31,805 --> 00:20:34,407
Maybe it'll be... meter maids.
507
00:20:34,408 --> 00:20:35,742
We just don't know.
508
00:20:36,744 --> 00:20:38,978
But one thing is sure.
509
00:20:38,979 --> 00:20:43,816
The future glows
like a giant sun
510
00:20:43,817 --> 00:20:48,488
shooting amber rays of light
into our hearts and minds.
511
00:20:49,657 --> 00:20:52,525
Wow, uh,
what changed your mind?
512
00:20:52,526 --> 00:20:55,561
The realization that hope
springs eternal, Robin.
513
00:20:56,563 --> 00:20:58,731
That and this little
bottle of purple pills
514
00:20:58,732 --> 00:21:00,700
I found in my couch cushion.
515
00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:03,703
Don't know what they are,
but they are amazing!
516
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:07,940
www.addic7ed.com