Kids, everyone has one or two moments
when they make a huge, crazy decision
that changes their lives forever.
This is the story of mine.
It all started with a visit from my mom
and her longtime boyfriendry.
Please don't.
As a painter, slash, songwriter, slash,
volunteer fear-fighter, I find her...
Incredibly sexual.
But you have your own sexual memories
with your mom, don't you?
Please don't.
Exiting her womb, receiving her milk.
You get me?
Good.
It's okay.
You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys who...
He is so cool!
And he picked me!
Well, I'm, uh...
I'm glad you're both so happy.
Well, good, because we do have an announcement...
Son.
Transcript by www.addic7ed.com
And so my mom was lapping me.
Getting married for a second time
before I was even married once.
I was so happy for them.
Re gonna meet at a wedding.
And if you don't boil those jam jars,
it's just a welcome mat for bacteria.
Oh, congratulations! Oh!
We are so happy for you.
I feel like I'm 19 again. Oh.
It's like the last 35 years of my life never happened.
Son, to show that
your mom and I will always be there for you,
I want you to have this beautiful picture
that I painted.
Kids, there was no guitar.
Excuse me, Ted.
Best... Wedding...
Eh...
Are being here with us.
My entire life...
Well, this life.
I've waited for a muse
like Virginia.
Baby...
This is your song.
Oh, God...
* The blood pumps to my loins *
* When I penetrate her...*
Kids, I swear to God, I blacked out for the next 12 minutes.
So I have no idea how the song got to this ending.
* And Mahatma Gandhi *
* And the pancakes *
Everyone! * And the dragon *
* And you *
Guys!
Guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
* Red and true...*
Are you crying?
I know it's stupid, but...
Everyone! * And the dragon...*
They're happy, you know?
Guys! Guys!
Guess what Robin just did.
And then, I told you guys what Robin just did,
but you were there for that.
I gotta tell the rest of the wedding.
Aunt Meredith!
Kids, I can't overstate
how horrible it is to be the single guy
at your own mother's second wedding.
So, Ted, When's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
Robin cried at Clint's song.
Oh, I told you already.
Ted's hot sister, Heather!
I have to leave.
Wait, Ted. What about your toast?
Make up some emergency or something.
I just... I-I can't handle this.
Ted, Ted, where are you going?
It's your mother's wedding!
She's pouring.
And my friends didn't see me for the next 72 hours.
Seriously, is Ted okay?
I mean, I know it was a rough weekend, but...
This radio silence is weird. I know.
His mom's called, like, five times
asking where he disappeared to.
Sorry, Robin. They're all out of pretzels.
And I know how emotional you get.
Let it go. Okay!
Shh... Okay, I...
I cried at Clint's song.
She cried at Clint's song.
Hey, guys. Ted, where have
you been? Are you okay?
Oh, I'm better than okay. I am on top of the world.
Come on. We're going for a ride!
Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe,
Are we going?
First, let me tell you what happened
the night of the wedding.
Watching my mom get married,
I realized how far behind I was in my own life.
I just had to get out of there.
So I went back to my hotel room and got onto this Web site
I sometimes visit when I can't sleep...
Oh! Oh! Oh-oh! Ted, come on. Oh, God. T.M.I.
We do not want to know
I went to my favorite real estate auction site-
come on, we've all got one-
scrolled through a few properties and...
Guys...
I just bought my dream house.
What do you mean you bought this house?
I mean, I made a bid online.
I won the auction the next day and I got approval.
I just finalized the paperwork.
And was the Blair Witch easy to deal withabout that.
So, I'm thinking this room will be the study.
You know, a place just for Dad.
I mean, the kids are welcome in here
if they're reading a book, but no toys.
It's not a question of withholding love.
It's a question of drawing boundaries.
Whoa.
Ted, this is insane.
This is going to take years
and a small fortune to make livable.
The ol' wifey and I are ready to move in.
Is she in the room with us right now, Ted?
Okay, okay, I know I haven't found Mrs. Mosby yet,
but I will, knock on wood.
Careful, buddy.
Ted, you can't just
skip ahead to where you think your life should be.
Ever done.
Stupidest thing any of us has ever done. Okay, all right.
Let's lay off Ted, all right? Thank you.
We've all done some stupid things in our lives.
For example, I remember a time
when I dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet,
and I tried to dry them off in the microwave.
God, you must have been drunk off your ass.
No, too stupid to be an adult.
Great new game:
"Drunk or Kid." Which one was I?
Lock in your guesses.
Drunk. Drunk. Kid.
Kid. Drumroll, please.
I was...
I'm referencing the time
she cried at Clint's song.
And even though
I'm whispering,
I actually hope she hears me.
It wasn't me! What?
I'm not the one who cried at Clint's song.
I know it's stupid, but... Everyone!
* And the dragon...*
They're just happy, you know?
Not as happy as I am.
I will give you $500 if this just happened to you instead of me.
500 bucks? Deal.
Thank you, Robin.
Guys! Guys! Guess what
Robin just did.
Wait, you guys are...
Hi, I'm here for the inspection.
Oh, great! I was worried you weren't coming.
I was actually here a few minutes ago,
but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.
Hmm. Oh, hey!
Doorbell does not work.
Inspected now?
Well, yeah.
Okay! All right!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
All right, let's all remember that we've all done
some stupid things in our lives, okay?
For example, I once tried to ride my bike down
an extension ladder from the roof of a two-story house.
The only looming question is
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Drunk!
Drumroll, please.
I was...
Marshall's dead!
Moms, right?
Just always making a big deal
uh?
Come on.
I'm going to put a grill out here.
Every Sunday, right here,
it's going to be a total sausage fest.
Hmm... Sausage party?
Burgers, we'll do burgers.
Ted, stop it.
You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.
Lily, listen to me.
About the whole wife and kids part.
So, what's the one thing I can control?
The house. I bought it.
It's not a huge mistake.
Exactly. Now, me
driving my brother's car the wrong way down I-94,
that was a huge mistake.
Drunk! Kid! Kid! Kid!
I was...
Yes!
Wow, Barney.
Did you cry on that guy or something?
You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side:
The pond in your basement is drowning
some of the larger, slower rats.
The rest of them, well... they're headed this way.
Ways
find problems with any decision,
but you can't let that stop you.
Freshman year, Marshall knew right away
he wanted to spend his life with you.
What if someone had been there to second-guess that decision?
Bye.
I know we've only been on two dates,
We got some structural issues here.
These hips are not Eriksen baby-compliant.
And this thing
right here does not have a proper filter.
That's a maintenance issue that's never going to go away.
And I know you think that you
like this Gothic exterior ethin?
I'd recommend
you look into the rental option.
But Marshall took that leap of faith,
and it's the best thing that ever happened to you both.
It was Robin!
"What?!"
Yes, it was Robin who cried at Clint's song!
Listen, Barney,
I can't stand all these jokes about me crying.
If I pretend to reveal
that you were the one who cried, will you go along with it?
Sure.
I made a mistake letting you go, didn't I?
Your penis is enormous.
All right, good news.
Think we'll be out of here early. Really?
Yep, I finished downstairs and the outside. Okay.
Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find
besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall,
the frayed electrical wires,
the lead paint, the water damage,
the fire damage, the sun damage,
the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards...
The bats, the rats,
the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo,
the detached gutter,
the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen,
which is fine, but the trim
really clashes with the countertops.
Or I could just recommend
that you do not buy this godforsaken
Guantanamo Bay of a house, and suggest that we all
get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind
lears throat)
What if I already bought the sum'bitch?
I- I will check out the upstairs.
Did he say he found a hobo?
I see a swing on that tree outside.
I- I see a wreath on the front door at Christmas.
I see a grill
out on that patio
where I'll be barbecuing every weekend.
I see a life that I know I can have here.
Found termites.
Hey, well, the good news is
the inspector killed some roaches on impact.
Just wanted to make sure the report is thorough.
You were right.
This was a huge mistake. It's just...
Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place years ago;
Robin's getting serious with Don.
Barney...
Maybe that's a new tie?
I... I'm exactly
where I was five years ago. I'm sick of it.
I'm, I'm ready for the life that fits into this house.
It's all right, buddy.
Sometimes people make the wrong decisions in life.
Like your mother.
Very, very fond of your mother.
Please don't.
In fact, Virginia and I
shared a special moment back in 2006 B.C.-
Before Clint.
What the hell are you talking about?
I wanted to be your dad!
Because that bastard took her away from me.
And now, all I'm left with...
Is the memory of dropping her off at the airport.
And that's how you got the brooch?
Unbelievable.
You...
Here we are.
We made good time... Not a lot of traffic...
Oh, I love this song.
Do you? Hmm.
I can...
* Way up firm and high...*
I...
Should really...
I sh...
* Workin' on our night moves *
* Tryin' to make some front-page drivin' news *
* Workin' on our night moves *
Again?!
Always one too far! Okay, all right.
Fine, that last part I made up,
but the rest of it, I swear it was true.
Come on, dude. Your mom is a cougar.
Wait, I thought you said a cougar can't be over 50.
Okay, she's a Mellencamp.
Guys, I am screwed.
I mean, the best I can do is level this place
and sell the property for a huge loss.
You just have to live with it.
But how often do you get the chance
to pick up a sledgehammer
and bash the living hell out of it?
This is stupid.
Your mom and I got to second base.
* I'll light the fire *
* You place the flowers in the vase *
* That you bought today *
Thanks, Lily.
That felt fantastic.
To Ted Mosby- homeowner,
friend, and if he can rent it out, slumlord.
There's, uh...
He was our ride.
Hi.
Ted, what are you doing here?
I never got to give you guys your toast.
I was selfish
"How bout a hand for the deejay?
Gesture to dee..."
I'll skip down.
"Mom, I love you,
"and I've never seen you as happy as you are with Clint.
"And, Clint,
welcome to the family."
"What you two have is what I one day hope to find."
I love you, guys.
Ted...
I am so...
Baked right now.
I'm only 60% sure
you're actually standing in front of me.
But if you are, I love you.
There was no logical reason why my mother
should be with a guy like that.
Your grandma ever made.
Sometimes our best decisions are the ones
that don't make any sense at all.
Robin told me.
Happy housewarming.
But I-I, I told you the last time I saw you
I'm selling the place.
I know what you said.
I also know my best friend, Ted Mosby.
Look...
You haven't listened to me a single damn time.
Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Thanks for sticking up for me, man.
That's what I do.
Yeah.
And, kids, Marshall was right.
I didn't give up on my dream house
because that's the thing about stupid decisions:
We all make them.
But time is funny.
* Our house... *
And sometimes a little magic...
* Is a very, very, very fine house *
It can take a stupid decision...
* With two cats in the yard *
...and turn it into something else entirely.
* ...be so hard * Because, kids,
as you know... * Now everything is easy...*
that house is this house.
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