1 00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:03,168 NARRATOR: Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, 2 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:04,536 they went a t ttle crazy. 3 00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:06,772 We've been trying and trying, 4 00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,441 and still nothing's happened. 5 00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,244 I'm just worried we can't have children. 6 00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:13,712 And how long have you been trying? 7 00:00:13,713 --> 00:00:15,681 Six days. 8 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,850 Oy. 9 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:21,387 But then, months went by, and still nothing happened. 10 00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:22,621 Something must be wrong. 11 00:00:22,622 --> 00:00:24,823 W-We're doing it a lot. 12 00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:26,091 And everywhere-- 13 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:29,261 the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, 14 00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:31,797 outside in your wait-- the kitchen. 15 00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:33,032 LILY: Seriously, Doc, 16 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,967 why isn't this happening? Look, 17 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,936 if you're really worried, here is a number 18 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:40,706 for a reproductive endocrinologist-- Dr. Stangel. 19 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,942 He's the best in the city. MARSHALL: Dr. John Stangel? 20 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:45,210 I don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist? 21 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,179 Well, what's your plan, Marshall, 22 00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:50,582 just have unprotected sex day after day after day 23 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:51,884 in every position imaginable 24 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,419 until...? 25 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:56,555 Wait, it sounded worse in my head. 26 00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,557 Guys, we've got a problem. 27 00:00:58,558 --> 00:00:59,858 This is the application 28 00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:00,960 for the regional doubles 29 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,861 laser tag tournament 30 00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:04,196 in Poughkeepsie. 31 00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:06,665 Problem is, only one of you can be my partner. 32 00:01:06,666 --> 00:01:08,968 So it looks like we've got a bake-off. 33 00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,869 You may now present your arguments. 34 00:01:10,870 --> 00:01:12,938 I'm not playing laser tag. I'm absolutely not playing laser tag. 35 00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:14,006 Damn it. And Marshall's 36 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:16,075 the winner. 37 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,043 Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Stangel. 38 00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:19,511 It can't hurt. 39 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:22,314 NARRATOR: So Aunt Lily went to see Dr. John Stangel, the man 40 00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:23,983 who knew more about human reproduction 41 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,985 than anyone in New York City. 42 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:29,488 So I understand you want to get pregnant. 43 00:01:31,783 --> 00:01:37,783 Transcript by Addic7ed.com 44 00:01:47,035 --> 00:01:48,068 Yeah, and it cuts in and out. Ooh! 45 00:01:48,069 --> 00:01:49,904 How did you do it? 46 00:01:49,905 --> 00:01:52,840 Oh, God, you found one of the cameras. 47 00:01:52,841 --> 00:01:54,108 I swear that's the only one. 48 00:01:54,109 --> 00:01:55,342 Wait, which one did you find? 49 00:01:55,343 --> 00:01:56,443 What are you talking about? 50 00:01:56,444 --> 00:01:58,078 What are you talking about? 51 00:01:58,079 --> 00:02:01,549 My visit to a certain Dr. Stangel. 52 00:02:01,550 --> 00:02:03,150 We'll look at all the factors that contribute 53 00:02:03,151 --> 00:02:06,420 to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic. 54 00:02:06,421 --> 00:02:08,622 But first, Ms. Aldrin, 55 00:02:08,623 --> 00:02:10,291 do you have any questions 56 00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:11,492 for me? 57 00:02:11,493 --> 00:02:14,161 Just one, "Dr. Stangel." 58 00:02:14,162 --> 00:02:15,796 Where'd you get the beard? 59 00:02:15,797 --> 00:02:20,201 Well, m-my mother's Armenian. 60 00:02:20,202 --> 00:02:23,270 Lily, I've been with Barney since 9:00 a.m. 61 00:02:23,271 --> 00:02:25,105 Between the sexual harassment seminar all morning 62 00:02:25,106 --> 00:02:27,341 and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon, 63 00:02:27,342 --> 00:02:29,476 he hasn't left my sight. 64 00:02:29,477 --> 00:02:31,912 Wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard 65 00:02:31,913 --> 00:02:33,981 and examining girl parts all day? 66 00:02:33,982 --> 00:02:36,116 Not today I wasn't. 67 00:02:36,117 --> 00:02:38,385 Wow, we finally found Barney's doppelg nger. 68 00:02:38,386 --> 00:02:40,187 I guess we can tell you now, Lily. 69 00:02:40,188 --> 00:02:43,724 That hot dog guy did not look like Barney. 70 00:02:43,725 --> 00:02:44,892 Uh, Marshall? 71 00:02:44,893 --> 00:02:46,227 Yes, I know, we made our little deal 72 00:02:46,228 --> 00:02:47,528 with the universe, but... 73 00:02:47,529 --> 00:02:49,964 No, we've made a binding covenant with the universe. 74 00:02:49,965 --> 00:02:51,999 We said we weren't going to try to have kids 75 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,301 until we saw Barney's doppelg nger. 76 00:02:54,302 --> 00:02:55,603 Oh, this is bad news. 77 00:02:55,604 --> 00:03:00,040 This is like a black cat walked through my uterus. 78 00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:00,941 Okay, that's it. 79 00:03:00,942 --> 00:03:02,543 I am going back to Dr. Stangel 80 00:03:02,544 --> 00:03:03,844 and getting thoroughly checked out. 81 00:03:03,845 --> 00:03:04,812 Or-- 82 00:03:04,813 --> 00:03:06,881 or cost-saving alternative: 83 00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:09,950 you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him. 84 00:03:09,951 --> 00:03:12,086 I'm gonna go scrub up; I'll meet you in stall three. 85 00:03:13,755 --> 00:03:15,589 LILY: I still 86 00:03:15,590 --> 00:03:16,924 kind of think it's Barney. 87 00:03:16,925 --> 00:03:18,792 There's no way it's Barney. 88 00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:20,461 Hello, you must be Mr. Eriksen. 89 00:03:20,462 --> 00:03:22,096 I am Dr. Stangel. 90 00:03:22,097 --> 00:03:23,230 It's Barney. 91 00:03:23,231 --> 00:03:24,798 Wow. 92 00:03:24,799 --> 00:03:27,835 Really, dude, bravo. 93 00:03:27,836 --> 00:03:29,336 You almost got a peek. 94 00:03:29,337 --> 00:03:30,571 But seriously, 95 00:03:30,572 --> 00:03:33,274 what second-rate community theater did you get...? 96 00:03:33,275 --> 00:03:35,342 Would you...? I... 97 00:03:37,178 --> 00:03:39,680 So my wife and I are trying to get pregnant. 98 00:03:41,983 --> 00:03:43,083 All right, Ms. Aldrin, please just put 99 00:03:43,084 --> 00:03:44,251 your feet up in the stirrups. 100 00:03:44,252 --> 00:03:45,686 We can begin. 101 00:03:45,687 --> 00:03:46,654 Uh-uh, no. 102 00:03:46,655 --> 00:03:48,555 Can't do it. No, but, baby, 103 00:03:48,556 --> 00:03:49,990 I yanked on his beard. 104 00:03:49,991 --> 00:03:51,292 He checks out. 105 00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:52,860 I really don't have time for this. No, Barney-- 106 00:03:52,861 --> 00:03:54,962 Doctor, wait, please, it's... 107 00:03:54,963 --> 00:03:56,664 Can you just give us a couple minutes? 108 00:03:56,665 --> 00:03:57,831 I... (groans) Lily, 109 00:03:57,832 --> 00:04:01,936 how can I convince you that this is not Barney? 110 00:04:03,104 --> 00:04:05,406 Wow, it is like looking 111 00:04:05,407 --> 00:04:08,275 into a poorly dressed mirror. 112 00:04:13,248 --> 00:04:15,516 Okay, you have to go. 113 00:04:17,686 --> 00:04:20,487 Leave the model of the vagina. 114 00:04:21,423 --> 00:04:23,424 Okay. 115 00:04:23,425 --> 00:04:24,591 Convinced. 116 00:04:24,592 --> 00:04:26,260 Great. All right, 117 00:04:26,261 --> 00:04:28,095 you're a little low on the table. Please scoot up. 118 00:04:28,096 --> 00:04:29,797 "Suit up"-- not convinced. 119 00:04:29,798 --> 00:04:32,066 This whole thing stinks to high heaven. 120 00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:34,068 Baby, you just saw Barney. 121 00:04:34,069 --> 00:04:36,770 He could have pulled some crazy switch. 122 00:04:36,771 --> 00:04:39,573 Remember when his Swedish cousin came to visit? 123 00:04:39,574 --> 00:04:41,508 Oh, yeah-- Bjorney. 124 00:04:41,509 --> 00:04:45,245 Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I see Barney at the same time, 125 00:04:45,246 --> 00:04:48,816 I-I'll never be sure that Dr. Stangel isn't him. 126 00:04:50,085 --> 00:04:51,218 How you doing, Lily?! 127 00:04:51,219 --> 00:04:53,654 Should I have a boner?! 128 00:04:53,655 --> 00:04:54,788 Okay, we're all done. 129 00:04:54,789 --> 00:04:56,523 I'll call you in a few days with the results. 130 00:04:56,524 --> 00:04:57,825 Thank you. 131 00:04:57,826 --> 00:04:59,860 Hey, you don't mind if I take pictures, do you?! 132 00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:03,063 Can we leave him in here for a while? 133 00:05:03,064 --> 00:05:04,031 I'm done for the day. 134 00:05:04,032 --> 00:05:05,432 You can leave him in here all night. 135 00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:09,470 Aw, yeah. 136 00:05:09,471 --> 00:05:11,638 Smile for the birdie, Lil! 137 00:05:11,639 --> 00:05:12,906 (laughs) 138 00:05:12,907 --> 00:05:15,809 (à la Jimmie Walker): Gyno-mite! 139 00:05:15,810 --> 00:05:17,945 NARRATOR: Now, while all this was going on, 140 00:05:17,946 --> 00:05:21,181 your Aunt Robin was starting her new job at World Wide News, 141 00:05:21,182 --> 00:05:22,583 aka the big leagues. 142 00:05:22,584 --> 00:05:23,851 She was excited. 143 00:05:23,852 --> 00:05:25,019 This job was a new start, 144 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,720 a clean slate. (sighs) 145 00:05:26,721 --> 00:05:29,456 So, first day of work? 146 00:05:29,457 --> 00:05:31,558 (blows raspberry) 147 00:05:31,559 --> 00:05:34,161 Everyone, say hello to your new research associate 148 00:05:34,162 --> 00:05:35,195 Robin Scherbatsky. 149 00:05:35,196 --> 00:05:37,031 Hi, guys. Welcome. 150 00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:39,066 Oh, here comes our new Hardfire host. 151 00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:42,236 Robin, this is Sandy Rivers. 152 00:05:42,237 --> 00:05:43,971 Sandy Rivers?! 153 00:05:43,972 --> 00:05:45,339 NARRATOR: Sandy Rivers-- 154 00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,741 Robin's old cohost and my old nemesis. 155 00:05:47,742 --> 00:05:49,810 We should have sex. 156 00:05:49,811 --> 00:05:51,812 Oh, I hate that guy. 157 00:05:51,813 --> 00:05:53,147 It gets worse. 158 00:05:53,148 --> 00:05:54,548 Sandy, this is... 159 00:05:54,549 --> 00:05:56,216 Robin. 160 00:05:56,217 --> 00:05:58,285 You two know each other? Know each other? 161 00:05:58,286 --> 00:05:59,319 We've had sex. 162 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,821 TED: You had sex 163 00:06:00,822 --> 00:06:02,189 with Sandy Rivers? 164 00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:03,524 No! Ugh! 165 00:06:03,525 --> 00:06:05,692 And I can't believe it's my first day, 166 00:06:05,693 --> 00:06:08,529 and already I'm the girl who slept with the host of the show. 167 00:06:08,530 --> 00:06:09,763 Already? 168 00:06:09,764 --> 00:06:11,365 Were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host? 169 00:06:11,366 --> 00:06:13,901 Well, now that I know it's Sandy, I'm not. 170 00:06:16,738 --> 00:06:18,005 (groans) 171 00:06:18,006 --> 00:06:19,006 Hey, babe. 172 00:06:19,007 --> 00:06:20,174 Hi, honey. 173 00:06:20,175 --> 00:06:21,909 There's a couple messages on the machine. 174 00:06:21,910 --> 00:06:23,110 Your dad called. 175 00:06:23,111 --> 00:06:25,112 He wants to know if you have any sixes. 176 00:06:25,113 --> 00:06:27,881 Yeah, uh, we got a game of "Go Fish" going on the phone. 177 00:06:27,882 --> 00:06:29,116 P.S., Pops, go fish. 178 00:06:29,117 --> 00:06:30,517 (chuckles) 179 00:06:32,954 --> 00:06:34,621 Who's the second message from? 180 00:06:34,622 --> 00:06:36,290 Dr. Stangel's office. 181 00:06:36,291 --> 00:06:39,359 I'm extremely fertile. You're extremely fertile! 182 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,494 Oh, my God. 183 00:06:40,495 --> 00:06:42,262 I told you there was nothing to worry about. 184 00:06:42,263 --> 00:06:44,364 I got to call my dad and tell him the good news. 185 00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:50,604 ANNOUNCER: ...puts the ball on the 44-yard-line. 186 00:06:54,242 --> 00:06:58,145 If you're fertile, um, then that means I'm the problem. 187 00:07:03,847 --> 00:07:05,081 Okay, now you're being ridiculous. 188 00:07:05,082 --> 00:07:06,482 An hour ago, you didn't even think 189 00:07:06,483 --> 00:07:07,517 there was a problem. 190 00:07:07,518 --> 00:07:09,352 Well, I was just putting on a brave face. 191 00:07:09,353 --> 00:07:11,821 Okay, think about it: we've had unprotected sex 192 00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:14,991 203 times in the past four months. 193 00:07:14,992 --> 00:07:17,527 Obviously I'm the problem. 194 00:07:17,528 --> 00:07:18,528 Problem?! 195 00:07:18,529 --> 00:07:19,829 You can't get a girl pregnant. 196 00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:20,930 That's the dream. 197 00:07:20,931 --> 00:07:22,165 I'd give my firstborn 198 00:07:22,166 --> 00:07:25,301 to not be able to have children. 199 00:07:26,436 --> 00:07:29,038 So, second day of work? 200 00:07:29,039 --> 00:07:30,773 (blows raspberry) 201 00:07:30,774 --> 00:07:31,841 What's wrong? 202 00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:33,676 Oh, you didn't hear? She's the office slut. 203 00:07:33,677 --> 00:07:34,677 Already? 204 00:07:34,678 --> 00:07:36,112 Oh, honey. 205 00:07:36,113 --> 00:07:38,915 I wish I was the office slut. 206 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:43,252 And we can explore how those policy changes will affect Iraq. 207 00:07:43,253 --> 00:07:45,655 Yes. 208 00:07:45,656 --> 00:07:47,690 We definitely had sex. 209 00:07:47,691 --> 00:07:49,125 We did not have sex. 210 00:07:49,126 --> 00:07:50,793 Then why do I remember you? 211 00:07:50,794 --> 00:07:54,730 I don't know, maybe because I'm a smart, talented, professional. 212 00:07:54,731 --> 00:07:56,299 No, none of those. 213 00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,333 Oh, I remember. 214 00:07:57,334 --> 00:07:59,435 We didn't have sex. 215 00:07:59,436 --> 00:08:00,770 Thank you. 216 00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,705 You're the girl who did the report 217 00:08:02,706 --> 00:08:03,673 on the carriage driver 218 00:08:03,674 --> 00:08:06,042 and slipped and fell in horse poop... 219 00:08:06,043 --> 00:08:07,043 We did have sex. 220 00:08:07,044 --> 00:08:09,045 Oh, I-I remember now. 221 00:08:09,046 --> 00:08:10,112 Gregory, 222 00:08:10,113 --> 00:08:12,949 do me a favor. 223 00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:15,384 But this reporter takes pride in-- whoa! 224 00:08:15,385 --> 00:08:18,187 (all guffawing) 225 00:08:18,188 --> 00:08:20,189 And now everyone calls me Scherpoopie. 226 00:08:20,190 --> 00:08:21,791 (guffawing) 227 00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:23,359 It's not funny. Robin, 228 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:24,927 a word of advice: play along. 229 00:08:24,928 --> 00:08:27,463 Okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get. 230 00:08:27,464 --> 00:08:28,931 It's like when your car slides on ice, 231 00:08:28,932 --> 00:08:30,499 you steer into the skid. MARSHALL: Mm-hmm. 232 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,634 BARNEY: Exactly! 233 00:08:31,635 --> 00:08:33,069 Or when your-- I don't know-- 234 00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:34,804 friend invites you to a laser tag tournament, 235 00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:35,805 you don't fight it. 236 00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,373 You just strap on the vinyl holster 237 00:08:37,374 --> 00:08:38,874 and race into that abandoned JCPenney 238 00:08:38,875 --> 00:08:40,443 guns a-blazin'. 239 00:08:41,578 --> 00:08:42,778 I'm just agreeing with Ted. 240 00:08:42,779 --> 00:08:44,080 (phone rings) 241 00:08:44,081 --> 00:08:46,649 Oh, it's my dad. 242 00:08:46,650 --> 00:08:49,685 (line ringing) 243 00:08:50,954 --> 00:08:51,954 Aren't you going to get it? 244 00:08:51,955 --> 00:08:53,623 No, no, you know what? 245 00:08:53,624 --> 00:08:55,791 Um, I'm gonna get my stuff checked out first. 246 00:08:55,792 --> 00:08:56,859 I'll call my dad 247 00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:59,195 after Dr. Stangel gives me the thumbs up. 248 00:08:59,196 --> 00:09:01,731 Ew! He has to do that? 249 00:09:01,732 --> 00:09:04,233 But I thought you talk to your dad about everything. 250 00:09:04,234 --> 00:09:06,302 I only like to call my dad with good news. 251 00:09:06,303 --> 00:09:07,603 I mean, telling him good news 252 00:09:07,604 --> 00:09:09,772 is what makes it feel real to me. 253 00:09:09,773 --> 00:09:11,173 I'm getting married! 254 00:09:11,174 --> 00:09:13,009 Yeah...! 255 00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:14,510 I passed the bar! 256 00:09:14,511 --> 00:09:16,312 All right! 257 00:09:16,313 --> 00:09:17,947 I found an amazing Viking lamp 258 00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,415 that fits right on the coffee table, 259 00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:21,584 as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord. 260 00:09:21,585 --> 00:09:23,886 That's what I'm talking about! Right?! 261 00:09:23,887 --> 00:09:26,489 I found someone who can fix the Viking lamp! 262 00:09:26,490 --> 00:09:29,659 (shouts) 263 00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:31,527 But the news that I might not be able 264 00:09:31,528 --> 00:09:32,928 to give him a grandchild? 265 00:09:32,929 --> 00:09:34,930 You know, like, I don't even know 266 00:09:34,931 --> 00:09:36,766 how to have that conversation. 267 00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:39,502 I'll show you. 268 00:09:39,503 --> 00:09:42,605 "Dad, there's, uh, there's something I need to tell you, 269 00:09:42,606 --> 00:09:45,708 "and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, 270 00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:47,843 "but here goes. 271 00:09:47,844 --> 00:09:49,011 "You are speaking 272 00:09:49,012 --> 00:09:52,982 to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co-Champion." 273 00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:55,284 Barney, I've already told... "Oh, and my sperm don't work. 274 00:09:55,285 --> 00:09:56,385 "Yeah, yeah, 275 00:09:56,386 --> 00:09:59,388 the laser tag thing is awesome." 276 00:10:01,525 --> 00:10:04,760 So, third day of work? 277 00:10:04,761 --> 00:10:06,962 (blows raspberry) 278 00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:08,464 And the fertilizer is seeping 279 00:10:08,465 --> 00:10:10,333 into the ground water, causing... 280 00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:13,069 Is Scherpoopie pitching a story about manure? 281 00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,004 (laughter) 282 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,339 Genius. 283 00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:20,076 Okay, yes, I, uh, I fell into some manure. 284 00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:21,677 It's hilarious, fine. 285 00:10:21,678 --> 00:10:23,946 In a five-year career of on-air reports, 286 00:10:23,947 --> 00:10:26,549 there are bound to be a few embarrassing moments. 287 00:10:26,550 --> 00:10:28,384 A few? 288 00:10:28,385 --> 00:10:32,054 Uh, but in my case, it was just the one, 289 00:10:32,055 --> 00:10:34,824 and you found it, so, uh... 290 00:10:34,825 --> 00:10:36,225 Just the one. 291 00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:40,096 Gregory. 292 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,230 Oh, God. 293 00:10:41,231 --> 00:10:43,265 What did they find? 294 00:10:43,266 --> 00:10:46,102 (Robin sighs, "Let's Go to the Mall" fades in) 295 00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:50,406 Everything. 296 00:10:50,407 --> 00:10:54,510 ? Everybody, come and play ? 297 00:10:54,511 --> 00:10:57,513 I'm a dirty, dirty girl. ? Throw every last care away ? 298 00:10:57,514 --> 00:10:58,581 (retching) 299 00:10:58,582 --> 00:11:02,752 ? Let's go to the mall today ? 300 00:11:02,753 --> 00:11:04,253 ? Today, today ? 301 00:11:04,254 --> 00:11:06,555 The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest... 302 00:11:06,556 --> 00:11:08,290 ? Let's go to the mall ? 303 00:11:08,291 --> 00:11:10,359 ? Today ? ? Let's go to the ma-a-all ? 304 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,962 Aah. ? Let's got to the mall today ? 305 00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,330 ? Let's go to the ma-a-all ? Today ? 306 00:11:14,331 --> 00:11:15,898 ? Let's go to the mall ? 307 00:11:15,899 --> 00:11:17,333 ? Today ? ? Let's go to the ma-a-all ? 308 00:11:17,334 --> 00:11:19,635 ? Today... ? ? Let's go to the mall... ? 309 00:11:19,636 --> 00:11:22,872 They even found the video of me getting attacked by an owl. 310 00:11:22,873 --> 00:11:24,573 You got attacked by an owl? 311 00:11:24,574 --> 00:11:26,776 I did not get attacked by an owl. 312 00:11:26,777 --> 00:11:28,978 Robin, listen, here's what you need to do-- 313 00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:31,814 Okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay? 314 00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:35,184 It's too late. I'm already wrapped around a hydro pole. 315 00:11:35,919 --> 00:11:37,086 It's a Canadian telephone pole. 316 00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,722 I never should have taken this job. 317 00:11:39,723 --> 00:11:42,358 Kids, at that moment, I knew what I had to do 318 00:11:42,359 --> 00:11:43,559 for my friend Robin. 319 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,795 But first I had to do something for me. 320 00:11:45,796 --> 00:11:49,398 Show me "owl attack." 321 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,368 I am freaking out. 322 00:11:52,369 --> 00:11:54,270 Is there a chance that I can't have kids? 323 00:11:54,271 --> 00:11:56,238 I've been hit in the nuts a lot. 324 00:11:56,239 --> 00:11:58,674 Well, we won't know anything until we run some tests. 325 00:11:58,675 --> 00:12:00,543 We'll need a sample of your sperm. 326 00:12:00,544 --> 00:12:02,211 No, no, no. 327 00:12:02,212 --> 00:12:03,245 There's a room at the end of the hall. 328 00:12:03,246 --> 00:12:04,480 If you find yourself 329 00:12:04,481 --> 00:12:06,715 inside the elevator, you've gone too far. 330 00:12:06,716 --> 00:12:07,783 You'd think I wouldn't have to say that, 331 00:12:07,784 --> 00:12:08,918 but you'd be surprised. 332 00:12:14,324 --> 00:12:15,658 All yours, buddy. 333 00:12:25,735 --> 00:12:29,104 The thing you're about to do in here-- 334 00:12:29,105 --> 00:12:31,307 I did that in here, too. 335 00:12:31,308 --> 00:12:33,809 (whispering): Three minutes ago. 336 00:12:34,611 --> 00:12:37,513 I was here eight minutes ago. 337 00:12:37,514 --> 00:12:39,548 14 minutes ago. 338 00:12:40,317 --> 00:12:42,985 I'm here every Thursday. 339 00:12:42,986 --> 00:12:44,954 (screaming) 340 00:12:44,955 --> 00:12:47,957 I can't do it, Doc. 341 00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,391 Is there, like, another option? 342 00:12:49,392 --> 00:12:51,093 Could I... Could I take this home? 343 00:12:51,094 --> 00:12:52,728 Sure, you could, but, uh... 344 00:12:52,729 --> 00:12:54,964 we close in an hour and I'm not back till Tuesday. 345 00:12:54,965 --> 00:12:57,833 So, clock is ticking. Make it fast. 346 00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:01,403 Only way I know how, Doc. 347 00:13:01,404 --> 00:13:03,739 Only way I know how. 348 00:13:08,845 --> 00:13:10,112 Surprise! Surprise! 349 00:13:14,385 --> 00:13:16,086 Mom. Dad. Uh... 350 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,321 What are you doing here? 351 00:13:17,322 --> 00:13:18,722 We hadn't heard from you in a couple days. 352 00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,057 We were worried about you. 353 00:13:20,058 --> 00:13:22,192 For God's sake, son. Do you have any sixes? 354 00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:23,660 Go fish. 355 00:13:23,661 --> 00:13:24,661 (chuckling) 356 00:13:24,662 --> 00:13:25,996 Excuse me. Hey, Lily, 357 00:13:25,997 --> 00:13:28,532 can I just talk to you in here for a minute? Oh, yeah. 358 00:13:28,533 --> 00:13:31,201 Isn't it great? They just showed up. 359 00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,403 Your mom's already rearranged my kitchen, 360 00:13:33,404 --> 00:13:35,472 organized my closet... 361 00:13:35,473 --> 00:13:37,374 and she asked me if I lost height. 362 00:13:37,375 --> 00:13:39,276 Not weight. Height. 363 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:41,145 Yeah, I'm very excited that they're here, too. 364 00:13:41,146 --> 00:13:44,515 But right now, I have to get excited about something else. 365 00:13:44,516 --> 00:13:47,584 Oh, okay. Well, I'll go handle your parents. 366 00:13:47,585 --> 00:13:50,287 And you handle your, well... 367 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:53,023 Wait, wait, wait. Marshall. 368 00:13:54,225 --> 00:13:56,293 Thank you, baby. You're the best. 369 00:13:59,597 --> 00:14:01,565 JUDY: Marshall. Marshall. 370 00:14:01,566 --> 00:14:04,835 I just got my new bathing suit for the beach this summer. 371 00:14:04,836 --> 00:14:07,271 It's a two-piece. I mean, can you imagine? 372 00:14:07,272 --> 00:14:08,806 Me in a two-piece 373 00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,307 bathing suit at my age? 374 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,608 Just picture it! 375 00:14:11,609 --> 00:14:13,310 Picture it! 376 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:14,878 That's why Fred Cox 377 00:14:14,879 --> 00:14:16,780 is the greatest kicker the Vikings ever had. 378 00:14:17,582 --> 00:14:20,584 Seriously, Marshall, picture it. 379 00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:22,152 Just picture it. 380 00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,620 Give me a "C." Give me an "O." 381 00:14:23,621 --> 00:14:24,822 Give me an "X." 382 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,224 What's that spell? Cox! Cox! 383 00:14:27,225 --> 00:14:30,194 Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! 384 00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:32,162 Uh... 385 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:35,332 Okay, I did a bad thing last night. 386 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,434 I looked up his address. 387 00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:40,037 Who? (laughing) 388 00:14:40,038 --> 00:14:41,872 Sorry. You said "who." 389 00:14:41,873 --> 00:14:43,440 It reminded me of the owl footage. 390 00:14:43,441 --> 00:14:44,608 Genius. 391 00:14:44,609 --> 00:14:45,776 No. 392 00:14:45,777 --> 00:14:47,711 Sandy. How dare he laugh at you. 393 00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:49,413 Who does he think... (laughing) 394 00:14:49,414 --> 00:14:50,781 Sorry. "Who." 395 00:14:51,649 --> 00:14:53,317 Anyway. 396 00:14:53,318 --> 00:14:54,918 I looked up his address in your contact list. 397 00:14:54,919 --> 00:14:56,887 Oh, God. Tell me you didn't go over there. 398 00:14:56,888 --> 00:14:59,623 I just thought he needed to listen to common sense 399 00:14:59,624 --> 00:15:01,124 and reasonable discourse. 400 00:15:01,125 --> 00:15:03,594 Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists. 401 00:15:03,595 --> 00:15:05,295 They're my feet. 402 00:15:05,296 --> 00:15:06,630 I'm actually more of a kicker. 403 00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:09,666 So I went to his apartment. 404 00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:13,637 (grunts, makes whooshing sounds along with gestures) 405 00:15:13,638 --> 00:15:15,906 (grunts in pain): Ah... 406 00:15:21,579 --> 00:15:23,881 You're not the pizza guy. 407 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,920 Oh, my God. This is... 408 00:15:29,921 --> 00:15:32,589 This is how you make sure Sandy never makes fun of you again. 409 00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:35,359 I told you to steer into the skid. That was bad advice. 410 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,693 So new advice. 411 00:15:36,694 --> 00:15:39,096 Steer into Sandy, and run him down. 412 00:15:39,097 --> 00:15:42,099 If people found out Sandy wears a toupee... 413 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,101 Really? That's your take-away? 414 00:15:44,102 --> 00:15:46,103 Nothing on the bear in the bra? 415 00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:47,604 Oh, no. He's very open about that. 416 00:15:47,605 --> 00:15:49,106 That's Gregory. 417 00:15:49,107 --> 00:15:50,474 Nice guy. 418 00:15:51,376 --> 00:15:53,410 And the top is so low-cut. 419 00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:54,845 Your father says he has 420 00:15:54,846 --> 00:15:57,714 front-row seats to the Minnesota Twins. 421 00:15:57,715 --> 00:15:59,283 Oh. Oh. 422 00:15:59,284 --> 00:16:00,918 By the way, Marshall, 423 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,687 we do need to know if you're coming to Florida this summer. 424 00:16:03,688 --> 00:16:04,855 Are you coming? 425 00:16:04,856 --> 00:16:06,156 Marshall? 426 00:16:06,157 --> 00:16:08,859 Marshall, are you coming? 427 00:16:10,828 --> 00:16:13,130 This isn't working. 428 00:16:13,131 --> 00:16:14,631 Where you going, son? 429 00:16:14,632 --> 00:16:16,300 I'm-I'm going to... 430 00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:18,869 I'm-I'm going to... 431 00:16:18,870 --> 00:16:22,105 Kids, to this day, your uncle Marshall is thankful 432 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,707 for what Lily said next. 433 00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:24,908 He's going to masturbate. 434 00:16:24,909 --> 00:16:26,076 Lily! 435 00:16:26,077 --> 00:16:28,111 Marshall, just tell them what's going on. 436 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:32,182 And so Marshall told his parents everything. 437 00:16:32,183 --> 00:16:34,017 And so, now, I'm just scared 438 00:16:34,018 --> 00:16:36,119 that we won't be able to give you a grandchild. 439 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,388 Aw, Marshall. 440 00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:40,857 Hey, we don't care about that one bit. 441 00:16:40,858 --> 00:16:43,527 And if you guys want kids, 442 00:16:43,528 --> 00:16:44,962 there are other ways. 443 00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:46,363 Adoption. 444 00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:49,933 Maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm? 445 00:16:51,235 --> 00:16:53,637 Aw, yeah. 446 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,339 (makes whooshing sounds with each kick) 447 00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,841 Maybe adoption. 448 00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:00,177 What I'm saying is, 449 00:17:00,178 --> 00:17:02,612 we love you no matter what. 450 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,883 Now, why don't you pretend you're in high school, 451 00:17:06,884 --> 00:17:08,785 get back in that bathroom, 452 00:17:08,786 --> 00:17:11,321 and "blow dry your hair." 453 00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:13,890 Wait, you knew? 454 00:17:13,891 --> 00:17:16,593 We didn't have a hair dryer, dear. 455 00:17:16,594 --> 00:17:19,396 So? 456 00:17:19,397 --> 00:17:21,898 Possibly last day of work? 457 00:17:21,899 --> 00:17:24,768 Actually, it was a good day. 458 00:17:24,769 --> 00:17:26,069 And I need more numbers 459 00:17:26,070 --> 00:17:29,239 on how the holiday season impacted the economy. 460 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,409 Sparkles, got anything on malls? 461 00:17:32,410 --> 00:17:34,778 (all laughing) 462 00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,780 Actually, Sandy, 463 00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:39,683 I have something I think you're all gonna want to see. 464 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,453 Yes! Put him in a body bag! 465 00:17:43,454 --> 00:17:45,555 Hoo! Hoo! Hyah! 466 00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:47,257 Okay, I didn't do it. What? 467 00:17:47,258 --> 00:17:49,326 I didn't want to just viciously attack someone 468 00:17:49,327 --> 00:17:50,827 out of the blue like some kind of... 469 00:17:50,828 --> 00:17:52,896 Owl? Exactly. 470 00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:55,198 So, instead of taking your advice, 471 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,800 I took your advice. 472 00:17:59,971 --> 00:18:02,973 That day, Robin decided to steer into the skid. 473 00:18:04,409 --> 00:18:06,443 And though she never quite shook the nickname, 474 00:18:06,444 --> 00:18:09,346 Sparkles went on to do very well at World Wide News. 475 00:18:09,347 --> 00:18:11,581 Especially after this happened. 476 00:18:11,582 --> 00:18:14,418 (man gasps, all laughing) 477 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,289 After his parents had gone back to Minnesota, 478 00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:21,124 Marshall got the results of his test. 479 00:18:21,125 --> 00:18:24,127 I'm afraid I have some very bad news, Marshall. 480 00:18:25,663 --> 00:18:28,865 Judging from the results of your test, it is... 481 00:18:28,866 --> 00:18:31,835 it is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child. 482 00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:33,970 Oh, God. 483 00:18:33,971 --> 00:18:35,305 I know, I know. 484 00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:36,873 It's just... 485 00:18:36,874 --> 00:18:39,176 Now... 486 00:18:39,177 --> 00:18:41,445 in some rare cases, a regimen change 487 00:18:41,446 --> 00:18:42,712 can fix the problem, 488 00:18:42,713 --> 00:18:46,149 so I'm recommending a spirited cardio routine. 489 00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:47,517 Preferably 490 00:18:47,518 --> 00:18:48,718 with a partner, 491 00:18:48,719 --> 00:18:51,221 involving any light-based firearm activity 492 00:18:51,222 --> 00:18:53,390 in the Tri-State area. 493 00:18:53,391 --> 00:18:56,193 Poughkeepsie, for example. 494 00:18:56,194 --> 00:18:57,994 Have you heard of the gentlemen's sport 495 00:18:57,995 --> 00:19:00,564 known as laser tag? 496 00:19:01,165 --> 00:19:02,566 Surprise! 497 00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:03,967 Damn it, Barney! 498 00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:06,002 What are you doing in here? 499 00:19:06,003 --> 00:19:07,571 Think about it, Marshall. 500 00:19:07,572 --> 00:19:09,806 All entrants get 20% off at the snack bar! 501 00:19:09,807 --> 00:19:11,441 Oh, BT-dub, 502 00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:12,676 the receptionist. What's her situation? 503 00:19:12,677 --> 00:19:15,445 Go! 504 00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:16,813 (sighs) 505 00:19:16,814 --> 00:19:18,014 Well, Marshall. 506 00:19:18,015 --> 00:19:19,716 I've got your results. 507 00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:21,785 And? 508 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,754 Your sperm is fine. 509 00:19:24,755 --> 00:19:26,590 My sperm is fine! 510 00:19:26,591 --> 00:19:29,426 (all cheering) 511 00:19:29,427 --> 00:19:31,261 Count, motility... 512 00:19:31,262 --> 00:19:34,131 everything's off the charts. 513 00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:37,534 You, sir, have got some strong swimmers. 514 00:19:38,369 --> 00:19:39,436 Bro, that is awesome. 515 00:19:39,437 --> 00:19:41,238 Motility five! MARSHALL: Whoa! 516 00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:43,773 ROBIN: Nice. 517 00:19:43,774 --> 00:19:45,308 Hey, um, can I borrow your phone? 518 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,477 I want to call my dad. Yeah, go ahead. 519 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,881 Man, this is great. 520 00:19:50,882 --> 00:19:52,516 I was expecting bad news. 521 00:19:52,517 --> 00:19:54,484 I really was. 522 00:19:59,423 --> 00:20:02,159 (phone ringing) 523 00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,801 You're here! Oh, my God! 524 00:20:11,802 --> 00:20:14,037 I love you so much! Can you believe it? 525 00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:17,340 Marshall... 526 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,808 Something's happened. Um... 527 00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:23,046 Your father, he had a heart attack. 528 00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:27,284 He... He didn't make it. 529 00:20:27,285 --> 00:20:29,486 (sobbing) 530 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:34,457 My dad's dead? 531 00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:36,326 (sniffling) 532 00:20:53,811 --> 00:20:55,946 I'm not ready for this.