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Transcript by Addic7ed.com
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www.addic7ed.com
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Kids, when your best friend loses someone...
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My dad's dead?
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...you drop everything and rush to his side.
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only to find yourself standing there
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with no idea what to do or say.
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This is the toughest time in Marshall's life
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and I feel absolutely useless.
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What can we do to help?
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Don't look at me.
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This morning Marshall said, "I have to pee."
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And I, "Don't worry, baby,
I'll do it for you."
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Halfway through the pee,
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I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense!"
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Well, uh, I've been to a couple funerals,
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I'm Vice Girl.
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Whatever Marshall needs
to get through this day,
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I got it right here.
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Whoa!
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Cigarettes, alcohol...
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Are these firecrackers?
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My God, Robin, you somehow crammed
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Tijuana into a purse.
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Be cool, nerds!
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Marshall's mom hasn't eaten,
slept or sat down
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since we got here.
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Wait! That can be my role!
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I'll take care of Judy!
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Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate you--
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the fact that you two aren't very close?
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Sweet save.
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Okay, yes, Judy and I aren't besties,
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but today, whatever she needs, I'm there.
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I'm on Judy duty.
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"Judy duty."
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She said "doody."
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Really, guys? At a funeral?
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Uh, okay, while not all of us possess
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your lofty sense of decorum,
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Drug-DealerFrom-An-'80s-
After-School-Special,
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we have to laugh today.
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It's healthy. Wait a minute!
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Today, we are gonna make Marshall laugh.
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How?
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Ted, what's the one thing that
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always cracks him up?
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Internet footage of a guy
getting hit in the nuts.
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Internet footage of a guy
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getting hit in the nuts, exactly!
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So we are gonna get our bro
a four-star nad rattler.
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You search knees, feet, banisters,
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fire hydrants and diving boards,
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and I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks,
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golf clubs and riding crops.
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What about animals?
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Uh... Claws, paws, talons,
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hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists.
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We can do this!
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Hey, guys, sorry,
uh... I left my charger back
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in New York, so my phone's out of juice.
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Does anyone have...?
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Outlet or USB?
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Uh, outlet.
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Thank you.
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Oh...
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Wow, you really do have
everything in there, don't you?
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You're like Mary Poppins,
if her magic purse was
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also filled with drugs.
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"If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped
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into a painting and spent 15
minutes chasing a cartoon fox.
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"Spoonful of sugar..."?
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Grow up.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy.
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Thank you, Reverend.
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Unfortunately, I can't.
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My daughter in Chicago just went into labor.
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But I'm leaving you in the capable hands
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of my second-in-command: my son.
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Your son?
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Oh, you remember Trey.
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I'll go grab him.
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Guys...
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Trey Platt terrorized me growing up.
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He was, he was the toughest bully in school.
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'Sup Marshall.
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Hello, Trey.
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Long time. Mm-hmm.
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I was not aware
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that you had become a reverend.
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Yeah, well, your lunch
money finally ran out.
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Kidding!
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Marshall Eriksen, you could use a laugh.
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Yeah!
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This video is entitled,
"Little League Coach Gets Hit in
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the Nuts by a Foul Ball and
Then Vomits in a Garbage Can."
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I don't wanna give anything away.
Let's just watch.
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Oh!
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See? 'Cause, 'cause he got hit...
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...right in the nuts,
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The fat kid just runs away.
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Trey Platt.
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I can't believe
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my father's funeral service is being led
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by Trey "The Noogie Machine" Platt.
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That guy gave you noogies?
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What, did he carry a stepladder?
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He made me carry it.
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So, my dad has these questions
he asks to help create
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a theme for the service, or whatever.
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"What were your last
words with the deceased?"
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Lame.
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Wait...
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My last words with Marvin were lovely.
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I've been thinking about them a lot.
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Me, too.
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We went for a hike in the snow
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and had this amazing talk.
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My last day with Pop,
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he taught my son how to skate.
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Well, this is clearly yielding nothing.
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Thanks, Dad.
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Guess I'll have to fill the time
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with some jokes... again.
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"Last words" seems like a good theme.
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Marshall, do you remember the last thing
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your father said to you?
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Bye, sweetie. Bye, Mom.
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Son,
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there's something I want
to say before I leave.
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Yeah, Dad?
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Could I snag that extra
pork chop for the flight?
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I was gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad.
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Ah... Dad, don't they have
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food on the plane?
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Yeah, but plane food is ass.
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"Plane food is ass."
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Those are the last words
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my father will ever say to me.
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Right after I denied the man a pork chop.
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Oh, God.
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Wait!
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I'm wrong!
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I'm wrong! That wasn't it!
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They couldn't find a cab...
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Hey, Marshall!
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so my dad called up from the street.
Marshall!
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Looks like rain out here!
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I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet!
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You know who probably has an umbrella?
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And then, well, see,
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my dad grew up in a small town,
in another generation,
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so sometimes-- totally well-meaningly--
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he'd say stuff like...
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The Koreans across the hall!
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Hey, the Koreans are a
trustworthy and generous people!
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Dad...
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I betcha one of the Koreans has an umbrella!
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Heck, they're Koreans!
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My dad's last words to me were a string
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of odd racial stereotypes.
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All that stuff was really nice!
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Yeah! It's positive racism!
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This is worse than the pork chop.
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This next clip is entitled,
"Guy Playing Bagpipes
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Gets Hit in the Nuts by Low-Flying Seagull""
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Let's see what happens.
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Here he comes...
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Oh! Oh!
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'Cause he gets hit right in the nuts.
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And then the fat kid loses his swim trunks.
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Fall off. Shorts just fall right off.
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No, wait-- I'm wrong.
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That wasn't it.
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They couldn't find a cab,
so I went down there.
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Hey, you were right.
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The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella.
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Of course they did.
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Bye, sweetie.
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Bye, Mom.
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Hey, son, I just want to leave
you with a little advice.
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Rent Crocodile Dundee III.
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I caught it on the cable last night.
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It totally holds up!
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Crocodile Dundee III is the second-best
of the Croc trilogy,
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so maybe I can live with that.
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Oh, sorry, my phone's charged.
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I, uh, I hear you're a
woman who can get things.
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I've been known to locate certain objects
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from time to time.
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I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
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I got ya.
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Oh, my God.
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What is it?
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I have a voice mail from my dad.
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You have a voice mail from your dad?
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How?
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My phone's been out of juice,
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so he must've called me
the day the he, uh...
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Baby, are you okay?
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I hold in my hand the last words
my father will ever say to me.
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I'm gonna hit play.
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What's wrong?
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What if it's worse than
Crocodile Dundee III?
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I can't do this. I can't...
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My mom is about to collapse. I'm gonna...
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Wait-- no, no, baby... Baby,
I got it. Let me.
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You should listen to it.
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Just don't put too much pressure on it.
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She's right.
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I mean, this idea that
someone's last words have
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to be profound and meaningful?
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I mean, who can live up to that?
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Exactly.
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All those "famous last word""
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people supposedly said? They're all made up.
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Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale,
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from third-grade history?
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My I only regret is I have
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but one life to lose for my country.
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You know what his real last words were?
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I'm peeing my pants!
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True story.
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The point is, last words are overrated.
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Look, think of it this way:
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you get to hear your dad's
voice one last time.
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I should go listen to this...
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alone, okay? I'll be back.
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Okay.
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Hey, so, um, I heard you might have...
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You heard right.
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I'm getting a reputation.
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So, what you need, mama? Come here.
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Guys, listen to what just happened.
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Judy, do you need a break?
I'm happy to cook for a while.
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You think your snobby New York cooking is
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better than mine-- admit it!
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Well, go ahead, Lily,
why don't you just whip up a batch
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of your fancy tofu sushi bagels!
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And choke on them!
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Whoa. Are you okay?
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Listen!
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I'm gonna go take a nap.
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Judy's finally sleeping and
it's all because of me!
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I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah!
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Well, but this day is
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tough on you, too.
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You sure you can absorb all that?
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Yeah! Robin gave me a little
orange pill from her purse.
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I don't know what's in it,
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but things are flowin'
pretty smooth right now.
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Hey, stay hydrated.
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Hey.
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So?
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I couldn't listen to it.
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Guys, this is hard.
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We know, baby.
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But you'll always wonder, if you don't.
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Your dad loved you.
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It almost doesn't matter what he said.
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It doesn't. That's true.
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Guys, guys, what if--
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God forbid--
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all of your dads died right now?
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What would their last words
to you have been? Seriously.
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I know mine.
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When I was in Cleveland last month,
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00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:06,138
I went to visit my dad at his...
269
00:11:06,139 --> 00:11:08,641
post-divorce bachelor pad.
270
00:11:08,642 --> 00:11:12,395
Been fun bro-ing out
with you tonight, T-Dawg.
271
00:11:12,396 --> 00:11:16,816
Yeah... so glad we can we can
talk about our sex lives now.
272
00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,851
That's totally an improvement.
273
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:20,453
I hooked up
274
00:11:20,454 --> 00:11:22,355
with a younger woman the other week--
275
00:11:22,356 --> 00:11:24,924
Donna Bromstead.
276
00:11:24,925 --> 00:11:26,492
My prom date?!
277
00:11:26,493 --> 00:11:29,161
How far did you get, T-Dawg?
278
00:11:30,597 --> 00:11:33,399
I have to go.
279
00:11:34,201 --> 00:11:35,835
Ugh...
280
00:11:35,836 --> 00:11:39,005
How would you like those to
be your father's last words?
281
00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:40,373
Well, they might be.
282
00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:43,409
Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop.
283
00:11:47,347 --> 00:11:49,014
Lawyered.
284
00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:52,118
Lily?
285
00:11:53,687 --> 00:11:54,971
Hello.
286
00:11:54,972 --> 00:11:57,156
Lily, it's Dad.
287
00:11:57,157 --> 00:11:59,759
Listen, I'm sort of in
jail for not paying taxes
288
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,260
for the last 25 years.
289
00:12:01,261 --> 00:12:03,663
But bright side-- I thought
of a great new board game.
290
00:12:03,664 --> 00:12:06,198
"Tax Evasion"-- ages six to ten.
291
00:12:06,199 --> 00:12:09,135
Which is, ironically,
what I might be looking at.
292
00:12:09,136 --> 00:12:12,371
Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
293
00:12:12,372 --> 00:12:13,940
Fooled ya.
294
00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:15,575
Leave a message after the beep.
295
00:12:15,576 --> 00:12:17,109
We'll get back to ya.
296
00:12:17,110 --> 00:12:19,645
Beep.
297
00:12:22,816 --> 00:12:24,583
Lawyered.
298
00:12:25,719 --> 00:12:27,954
Robin?
299
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,557
And so, despite the endless
disappointment you've caused me,
300
00:12:31,558 --> 00:12:33,326
I pray that this will finally
301
00:12:33,327 --> 00:12:36,178
be the year you achieve something
302
00:12:36,179 --> 00:12:37,530
of actual significance.
303
00:12:37,531 --> 00:12:38,898
I'd love to stop
304
00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:41,567
lying to my friends about
you being in a coma.
305
00:12:42,669 --> 00:12:47,573
Anyway, the point is, happy birthday, RJ.
306
00:12:47,574 --> 00:12:48,641
Whoa-ho! Wow.
307
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:49,842
That's awful.
308
00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:51,777
No, here's the awful part.
309
00:12:51,778 --> 00:12:55,514
You remembered my birthday!
310
00:12:58,018 --> 00:12:59,752
Lawyered.
311
00:12:59,753 --> 00:13:02,221
Now can we all just admit
312
00:13:02,222 --> 00:13:04,790
that last words are, in fact, a big deal?
313
00:13:04,791 --> 00:13:06,592
Yes. Yes.
314
00:13:06,593 --> 00:13:09,161
Man, I always thought I had it rough
315
00:13:09,162 --> 00:13:11,964
not really knowing my dad, but...
316
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,265
now I realize at least
317
00:13:13,266 --> 00:13:16,502
I'll never have to suffer like this.
318
00:13:16,503 --> 00:13:18,070
Our next video is called
319
00:13:18,071 --> 00:13:20,139
"German Shepherd Activates
Tennis Ball Cannon
320
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:21,807
While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink."
321
00:13:21,808 --> 00:13:23,142
Barney, please, Barney! It's...
322
00:13:23,143 --> 00:13:25,444
No more videos, okay?
323
00:13:25,445 --> 00:13:27,813
I just need a minute.
324
00:13:28,782 --> 00:13:30,149
Okay...
325
00:13:30,150 --> 00:13:32,652
okay, who is responsible for this?
326
00:13:32,653 --> 00:13:33,886
Who got Cousin Daphne drunk?
327
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:37,490
She is 15 years old.
328
00:13:37,491 --> 00:13:39,558
Whoa, they grow big out here.
329
00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:43,329
And here's your phone number back.
330
00:13:45,132 --> 00:13:47,299
Judy, I... I did it.
331
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:51,237
What possible excuse
could you have for this?
332
00:13:51,238 --> 00:13:52,705
I'm from New York.
333
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,807
We think getting minors drunk is funny.
334
00:13:54,808 --> 00:13:58,577
There's nothing funny about
getting minors drunk!
335
00:13:58,578 --> 00:14:00,613
You should be ashamed, Lily!
336
00:14:00,614 --> 00:14:02,481
Ashamed!
337
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,052
Mmm!
338
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:08,220
Oh, cripes, that's tasty.
339
00:14:08,221 --> 00:14:09,722
Mmm! Mmm!
340
00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:13,859
That salad's the first food
she's eaten in two days.
341
00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,778
Sure, it's mostly cheese,
mayonnaise and jelly beans,
342
00:14:15,779 --> 00:14:16,996
but it counts.
343
00:14:16,997 --> 00:14:18,614
Well, at least someone's helping.
344
00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:20,833
We haven't made Marshall laugh once.
345
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:22,501
Yeah.
346
00:14:22,502 --> 00:14:24,470
Showing videos of guys
getting hit in the nuts
347
00:14:24,471 --> 00:14:26,105
wasn't going to do anything.
348
00:14:26,106 --> 00:14:27,773
I'm just stupid. Stupid.
349
00:14:27,774 --> 00:14:30,843
What we need to do is hit
each other in the nuts.
350
00:14:30,844 --> 00:14:32,778
Yes.
351
00:14:32,779 --> 00:14:35,347
Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater.
352
00:14:35,348 --> 00:14:38,317
But which one of us is
going to take the hit?
353
00:14:38,318 --> 00:14:40,052
Hey, Marshall.
354
00:14:41,254 --> 00:14:42,772
So that's it?
355
00:14:42,773 --> 00:14:45,458
No discussion?
356
00:14:45,459 --> 00:14:47,593
I'm not going to listen.
357
00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:49,628
"Rent Crocodile Dundee II""
358
00:14:49,629 --> 00:14:52,998
are the last words that my
father will ever say to me,
359
00:14:52,999 --> 00:14:57,002
and I think I can live with that.
360
00:14:57,487 --> 00:15:00,706
Is he laughing?
361
00:15:00,707 --> 00:15:03,843
Marshall really did think he
could live with that.
362
00:15:03,844 --> 00:15:06,846
That is, until later,
at the memorial service.
363
00:15:06,847 --> 00:15:11,684
My last talk with Marvin was so lovely.
364
00:15:11,685 --> 00:15:15,755
The stories his mother and brothers
told were so perfect.
365
00:15:15,756 --> 00:15:18,891
Then he picked my crying son up off the ice.
366
00:15:18,892 --> 00:15:20,392
He gave him a hug and said,
367
00:15:20,393 --> 00:15:23,796
"Champ, it doesn't matter if
you fall down once in a while."
368
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:27,199
And as we hiked, a little
deer appeared on the path.
369
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,302
She hopped over to Dad and started eating--
370
00:15:30,303 --> 00:15:32,371
right out of his hand.
371
00:15:32,372 --> 00:15:36,242
And then he kissed me and he said...
372
00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:38,677
"I will always be proud of you""
373
00:15:38,678 --> 00:15:41,080
"Life is such a gift."
374
00:15:41,081 --> 00:15:44,116
"You know something, gorgeous,
375
00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:47,319
I'm the luckiest man alive."
376
00:15:49,089 --> 00:15:50,456
Lame.
377
00:15:50,457 --> 00:15:52,625
These stories suck.
378
00:15:52,626 --> 00:15:56,295
Doesn't hold a candle to your
Crocodile Dundee thing.
379
00:15:58,465 --> 00:16:01,400
You're up next, baby.
380
00:16:03,804 --> 00:16:06,672
I just need some air.
381
00:16:11,695 --> 00:16:15,114
Baby, are you okay?
382
00:16:15,115 --> 00:16:17,499
I have to listen to it.
383
00:16:31,298 --> 00:16:33,265
It's a pocket dial.
384
00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:37,636
It's nothing.
385
00:16:45,783 --> 00:16:49,253
Hey, so it's a pocket dial.
386
00:16:49,254 --> 00:16:52,656
You have so many great
memories with your dad.
387
00:16:52,657 --> 00:16:54,758
Who cares about the last one?
388
00:16:54,759 --> 00:16:56,226
She's right. Your dad was hilarious.
389
00:16:56,227 --> 00:16:58,061
You guys don't get it, okay?
390
00:16:58,062 --> 00:17:00,564
None of you do.
391
00:17:01,099 --> 00:17:03,600
My dad was my hero.
392
00:17:04,502 --> 00:17:06,503
And he was my teacher.
393
00:17:06,504 --> 00:17:09,272
And he was my best friend.
394
00:17:10,341 --> 00:17:14,144
He always came through for me.
395
00:17:14,145 --> 00:17:16,613
And now he's just gone.
396
00:17:17,815 --> 00:17:19,750
And what am I left with?
397
00:17:23,121 --> 00:17:26,089
Thanks a lot, God!
398
00:17:26,090 --> 00:17:27,090
Thank you!
399
00:17:27,091 --> 00:17:29,192
You took my father--
400
00:17:29,193 --> 00:17:32,996
the greatest man that I have ever known--
401
00:17:32,997 --> 00:17:36,399
and you ripped him off this Earth,
way too young!
402
00:17:37,335 --> 00:17:40,103
And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily.
403
00:17:41,773 --> 00:17:45,141
But we got this voice mail.
404
00:17:46,544 --> 00:17:48,478
Thank you so much for the voice mail!
405
00:17:48,479 --> 00:17:49,680
It's a great comfort!
406
00:17:49,681 --> 00:17:50,881
'Cause whenever I'm starting
407
00:17:50,882 --> 00:17:54,368
to feel lonely or sad,
or-- or you know what,
408
00:17:54,369 --> 00:17:55,786
or maybe a little bit cheated,
409
00:17:55,787 --> 00:17:57,120
at least I got
410
00:17:57,121 --> 00:17:59,122
the sound of his pocket to console me.
411
00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:00,374
Marshall...
412
00:18:00,375 --> 00:18:01,692
How is this fair?
413
00:18:01,693 --> 00:18:05,746
You know, like, an entire human life
414
00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:08,365
and it just ends for no reason, and...
415
00:18:08,366 --> 00:18:11,969
and what are we left with?
416
00:18:13,504 --> 00:18:15,439
Marshall?
417
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:19,810
Oh, looks like I've been calling
you for almost five minutes.
418
00:18:19,811 --> 00:18:21,478
How's my pocket sound?
419
00:18:23,648 --> 00:18:25,082
Oh, sorry about that, buddy.
420
00:18:25,083 --> 00:18:29,619
Um, anyway, your mom and I had
such a great time seeing you.
421
00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:31,821
I love you.
422
00:18:34,242 --> 00:18:37,661
Looks like your dad came
through one last time.
423
00:18:46,254 --> 00:18:48,872
"I love you."
424
00:18:48,873 --> 00:18:52,676
My father's last words
to me are "I love you."
425
00:18:52,677 --> 00:18:56,213
Ooh, and let me know if
you find my foot cream.
426
00:18:56,214 --> 00:18:58,982
That fungus thing is acting up again.
427
00:19:01,786 --> 00:19:05,088
"I love you."
428
00:19:05,089 --> 00:19:07,724
My father's last words
to me are "I love you."
429
00:19:07,725 --> 00:19:09,092
Yes. Yes, they were.
430
00:19:09,093 --> 00:19:12,495
We heard it. Loud and clear.
431
00:19:14,298 --> 00:19:16,333
Bye, Pop.
432
00:19:17,935 --> 00:19:19,936
So Marshall finally got up to speak.
433
00:19:19,937 --> 00:19:22,072
Funny thing, though...
434
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:26,143
Then my father said the last
words that he'll ever say to me:
435
00:19:26,144 --> 00:19:30,280
"Rent Crocodile Dundee III.
436
00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:32,182
"I caught it on the cable last night
437
00:19:32,183 --> 00:19:33,650
and it totally holds up."
438
00:19:33,651 --> 00:19:35,752
He decided to keep Marvin's real last words
439
00:19:35,753 --> 00:19:38,221
just for himself.
440
00:19:38,222 --> 00:19:40,140
Thanks.
441
00:19:40,141 --> 00:19:41,892
For what?
442
00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:45,011
I know what you've been doing today.
443
00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:47,664
And I really needed it.
444
00:19:47,665 --> 00:19:49,632
Any time.
445
00:19:51,402 --> 00:19:55,638
That dress makes you look
like a Kansas City whore.
446
00:19:55,639 --> 00:19:59,776
Sorry, dear. Last one.
447
00:20:02,413 --> 00:20:04,247
Oh, man.
448
00:20:04,248 --> 00:20:08,218
I should have rented Crocodile Dundee III.
449
00:20:09,921 --> 00:20:12,655
Okay, seriously, how are you doing that?
450
00:20:14,459 --> 00:20:16,626
Thanks.
451
00:20:17,095 --> 00:20:19,729
I'll be right back.
452
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,468
And if I don't come back,
453
00:20:24,469 --> 00:20:27,971
well, then these are my
last words to you all.
454
00:20:29,941 --> 00:20:33,443
I really, really, really love you guys.
455
00:20:35,313 --> 00:20:37,013
Now I'm going to go drop a deuce.
456
00:20:39,484 --> 00:20:42,752
Last words-- it's a lot of pressure, kids.
457
00:20:42,753 --> 00:20:45,589
* And what do we know *
It gets you thinking.
458
00:20:45,590 --> 00:20:47,240
? About what we've earned ?
459
00:20:47,241 --> 00:20:49,159
? Will all the love we've spent ? Hi, Dad.
460
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,462
? Return to us ? Hi, Dad.
461
00:20:52,463 --> 00:20:54,598
? Or will we sour one another ? Hi, Dad.
462
00:20:54,599 --> 00:20:58,502
? In a rush ? Hey, Mom.
463
00:20:58,503 --> 00:21:02,872
? To feel right. ? I'm ready to meet my dad.
464
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,432
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