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NARRATOR: In May of 2012,
Marshall and Lily
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00:00:03,009 --> 00:00:04,843
hosted a baby shower
in the apartment.
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00:00:04,845 --> 00:00:06,227
All their friends were there.
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00:00:06,229 --> 00:00:08,880
So of course I made sure
to show up exactly...
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(knocking)
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00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:11,266
...three hours late.
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- Oh, no! Am I late?
- Little bit.
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Ah, I'm sorry, I would've gotten
here earlier; it's just, um...
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00:00:17,524 --> 00:00:20,108
- You didn't want to see Robin.
- I didn't want to see Robin.
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I know, it's childish.
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She's not here, is she?
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Actually...
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(gasps) Oh, no! Am I early?
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Little bit.
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Whoa, she got you
the red stroller?
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Looks like I just blew her
out of the water.
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Anyway, he left
before the party started.
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Ah, I'm really sorry, I...
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I just think it's
best if Robin and I
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don't see each
other for a while.
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Ted, it's fine;
I'm a child of divorce.
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You guys keep fighting
all you want,
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as long as the expensive gifts
keep coming.
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(chuckles) Uh, so
how was the shower?
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It was good,
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although there was
one weird moment
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with Barney's new
stripper girlfriend.
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50 laps a day?
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Oh, my goodness, young lady.
That is a lot.
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Oh, is it?
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Is it a lot, Grandma Lois?
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Yes, my girlfriend
gets naked
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and sits on guys' laps
for money.
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00:01:16,499 --> 00:01:19,867
And, yes, sometimes it's as
many as 50 laps in one day.
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00:01:19,869 --> 00:01:23,288
And maybe society
considers what she does
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to be "disgusting,"
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or "slutty,"
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or verging on "prostitution,"
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or actual "prostitution."
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But you know what,
I accept her.
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And if you can't do the same,
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well, then shame on you.
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Shame...
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on...
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you.
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We were, um, talking
about swimming.
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How I sometimes swim
50 laps a day.
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(snorts) Well,
it's great cardio.
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Lois, can I top off
your champagne?
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00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:06,586
? How I Met Your Mother 7x22 ?
Good Crazy
Original Air Date on April 30, 2012
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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You know, it's funny,
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you tell the average guy
you're dating a stripper,
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he thinks it's awesome.
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Heck, you tell your mom,
she high-fives you so fast,
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she doesn't even
take off her oven mitts.
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But if they had any idea
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00:02:27,418 --> 00:02:30,319
how difficult it is:
the jealousy,
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00:02:30,321 --> 00:02:32,171
the insecurity,
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those high-fives would be
high-fives of condolence.
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00:02:37,044 --> 00:02:40,963
Barney, condolence high-fives
are not a thing.
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They're a thing.
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I'm afraid we're gonna
have to let you go.
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Up top.
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Ah, listen to me
and my boring couples' problems.
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How are you?
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00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:54,877
How's the single life?
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I wouldn't know.
After this whole Robin thing,
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for the time being,
I'm laying low.
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Laying low as in
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sleeping with a really
short chick? (wry chuckle)
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You guys doing 39?
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I mean, I'm not seeing anyone.
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I'm just, you know, trying
to get Robin out of my head.
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You need a palate cleanser.
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Barney, please,
don't try to set me up
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with Quinn's stripper friends.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
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Why not, how many hints
do I have to drop?!
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No, I'm thinking of something
much more traditional.
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Online dating.
Yeah, no thanks.
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Come on, Ted! It's 2012.
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What do you expect,
to meet some cute travel agent
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when you're reading a newspaper
at a bookstore?
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None of those things
exist anymore.
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Barney, I will never, ever,
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ever, try online dating.
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NARRATOR: That night
I tried online dating.
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And kids, the first girl
I found was amazing:
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beautiful, smart, funny, huge
fan of prewar architecture,
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favorite poet Neruda,
favorite movie Ghostbusters,
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and she didn't hate Cleveland.
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She's perfect.
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So I sent her an email,
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inviting her to mini golf.
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(typing)
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(phone rings)
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Hello.
BARNEY: Mini golf?
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Mini golf? Who takes
a first date to mini golf?
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I'm coming over!
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00:04:11,221 --> 00:04:13,939
Oh, Ted-Ted-Ted-
Teddy-Ted-Ted.
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Who buzzed you in?
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Did you really think you
could start dating online,
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and I wouldn't find out?
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But with thi-this
girl, sh-she was...
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Me. She was me, Ted.
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The photo was just of some girl
I knew you'd never seen before,
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a very famous sports anchor
on ESPN.
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Barney, I don't need you to
help me find a girl online.
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Exactly because I've
already done it!
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Three girls in fact.
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I scoured the dating sites
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using my own personal
logarithms,
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factoring in a broad
spectrum of variables,
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filtering out undesirable
high-risk negatives,
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guaranteeing a success
rate of 83...
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You picked the girls
that showed the most boob.
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My methods get results.
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Go out with
these three girls,
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and your palate is going
to be so cleansed,
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you will see
your reflection in it.
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And when you do,
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you can fix the hair, because...
Have you seen yourself?
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No, but you know
what I have seen,
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your stripper
girlfriend's cans. Wow.
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Wow.
Wow, wow.
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That was going way
too far, wasn't it?
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I'm sorry.
(sighs)
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My condolences.
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Come on.
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Man, Marshall's really
stressing out about this baby.
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He's reading every book,
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watching breast-feeding
documentaries.
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I woke up the other day,
he had swaddled me.
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Sure, it was the best night's
sleep I had had in months,
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but still...
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You know
what his latest thing is?
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(antique car horn blaring)
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What the hell is that?
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(groaning)
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Marshall,
what is that?
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I rigged this alarm
to go off every three hours.
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I'm training myself for the
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sporadic sleep patterns
of early parenthood.
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Now, if you'll excuse me,
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I have a practice-baby
to soothe.
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You got to talk to him.
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Yeah, I'll talk
to him tonight.
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Maybe tomorrow morning.
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One last swaddle?
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It's just so cozy.
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It's like sleeping
in a warm burrito.
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NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
Barney was about to have
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00:06:15,563 --> 00:06:17,312
a stripper's boyfriend's
worst nightmare.
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Karma?
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Oh, my gosh,
I didn't recognize you
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without your legs
behind your head.
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Darryl, I didn't
recognize you
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without your
creepy trench coat.
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How are you?
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Great, you working tomorrow?
You know it.
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Great. I'll be there
with bells on.
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And by bells,
I mean super thin sweatpants.
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(both laugh)
Gross.
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He's actually a nice guy.
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She's so busy
as deputy mayor,
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but I always get a card
on my birthday.
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Quinn, I love the fact
that you're a stripper,
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but I hate the fact
that you're a stripper.
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Barney, I like my job.
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And I do not need
to be rescued.
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So, don't be that guy.
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You're right, you're right.
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I got it.
Forget I said anything.
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Hmm.
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I'll see you
tonight, Karma.
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You got it,
Dirty Larry.
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You have to quit your job!
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NARRATOR: That night, I went out
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00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,530
with the first girl
Barney picked for me.
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There was just one problem.
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Your name is Robin?
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Yeah, with a Y.
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Oh, Yobin.
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00:07:16,407 --> 00:07:18,156
No, Robin.
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I go by ScotchAndGunLover
in my online profile,
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'cause those are
my two favorite things.
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Well, next to Canada,
my home and native land.
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Oh. Canada.
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NARRATOR: And just like that,
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Robyn became Robin.
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How's it going, Ted?
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Oh, good. Hey, look,
mommy's back from the bar!
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Now I can finally take a shower.
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(sighs)
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This diaper smells.
I don't want to know.
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Okay, Marshall,
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00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:53,670
sit down; we need to talk.
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(sighs)
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00:07:55,591 --> 00:07:57,824
Look, I know
you mean well,
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00:07:57,826 --> 00:08:00,343
but we have five weeks
till the due date.
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Can't we use this
time to just relax?
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00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:05,165
We'll figure out
how all this stuff
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00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:07,000
works after
the baby comes.
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00:08:07,002 --> 00:08:08,718
After the baby comes?
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00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,503
Yeah, we'll learn
on the job.
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00:08:10,505 --> 00:08:12,806
Learn on the j... Huh.
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00:08:12,808 --> 00:08:15,142
Wow, you know, Lily,
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00:08:15,144 --> 00:08:17,894
maybe the crisis here isn't that
I'm not ready to be a dad;
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00:08:17,896 --> 00:08:20,147
maybe it's that
you're not ready to be a mom!
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Excuse me?!
Yeah.
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00:08:21,349 --> 00:08:22,849
NARRATOR: With that,
an argument began,
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00:08:22,851 --> 00:08:25,535
the details of which are still
hotly debated to this day.
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00:08:25,537 --> 00:08:28,155
For instance, Uncle Marshall
swears he never said:
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00:08:28,157 --> 00:08:30,602
I'm the only one making
sacrifices for this baby!
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00:08:30,603 --> 00:08:31,073
What?!
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00:08:31,076 --> 00:08:33,410
And he claims he never
actually uttered the words:
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00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:35,195
It's like you don't even know
that you're pregnant!
218
00:08:35,197 --> 00:08:37,664
While Lily insists
this part was exaggerated:
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00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:39,566
Baby's are easy; you just
220
00:08:39,568 --> 00:08:41,668
watch them be cute
and feed them spaghetti!
221
00:08:41,670 --> 00:08:44,588
But everyone agrees
this is how the argument ended:
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00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:47,307
Marshall, what I need now
is some peace, some quiet,
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00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:49,092
and now that it's out there,
some spaghetti.
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00:08:49,094 --> 00:08:52,312
Now, please help me off
the couch so I can storm out.
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00:08:54,381 --> 00:08:56,149
(angry grunt): Huh!
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00:08:59,153 --> 00:09:02,022
NARRATOR: The next day,
I filled Barney in on my date.
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00:09:02,024 --> 00:09:04,390
Oh, Yobin.
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00:09:04,392 --> 00:09:05,892
No, Robin.
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00:09:05,894 --> 00:09:07,694
And for the rest of the night,
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00:09:07,696 --> 00:09:10,830
every time I looked at her,
I just saw Robin's face.
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00:09:10,832 --> 00:09:13,366
Well, I should hope so.
No, our Robin.
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00:09:13,368 --> 00:09:14,734
Robin with an I.
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00:09:14,736 --> 00:09:16,836
Uh, our Robin has
two eyes, my friend.
234
00:09:16,838 --> 00:09:19,089
But that's good. You're
forgetting what she looks like.
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00:09:19,924 --> 00:09:22,375
I'm sorry, that must
have been tough.
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If anyone knows what
that feels like, it's me.
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My condolences.
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00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,185
Okay. Moving on.
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00:09:32,187 --> 00:09:35,188
The next girl:
perfect palate cleanser.
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00:09:35,190 --> 00:09:36,523
Nothing like Robin.
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00:09:36,525 --> 00:09:37,757
How nothing?
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00:09:37,759 --> 00:09:40,360
I gaze out into the world
and all I see
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00:09:40,362 --> 00:09:43,930
is an icy place
where dreams die.
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Ooh, lasagna.
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00:09:47,819 --> 00:09:50,287
How's it going, Ted?
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00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:52,289
What? No. What? Wh-Why?
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00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:54,407
Remember, I made lasagna
that one time.
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That's all it takes?
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00:09:55,744 --> 00:09:58,245
It wasn't even lasagna;
you took your botched kugle
250
00:09:58,247 --> 00:09:59,796
and poured tomato sauce on it.
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00:09:59,798 --> 00:10:02,499
I didn't say
it was good lasagna.
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00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:05,151
By the way, what are you doing
with this girl?
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00:10:05,153 --> 00:10:07,587
With tattoos all up
and down her arms and...
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00:10:07,589 --> 00:10:11,474
everywhere else.
Hello... good gravy.
255
00:10:11,476 --> 00:10:13,893
Does that dragons tail go
all the way down to her...
256
00:10:13,895 --> 00:10:16,629
(chuckling): Ohh, yes, it does.
257
00:10:16,631 --> 00:10:18,682
Well, what do you want me
to do, Robin?
258
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,483
I have to get over you somehow,
259
00:10:20,485 --> 00:10:22,135
and if this is what it takes...
260
00:10:22,137 --> 00:10:24,087
Are you okay?
261
00:10:25,472 --> 00:10:27,107
Yeah. Why?
262
00:10:27,109 --> 00:10:29,609
You kind of spaced out there.
263
00:10:29,611 --> 00:10:31,444
Weirdo.
264
00:10:32,530 --> 00:10:34,197
"So, in summation,
265
00:10:34,199 --> 00:10:35,582
I'm very, very sorry."
266
00:10:35,584 --> 00:10:37,751
"I guess I just wanted
you all to myself,
267
00:10:37,753 --> 00:10:40,453
"and then I thought of all the
creepy guys groping at your...
268
00:10:40,455 --> 00:10:41,755
"Okay, I'm getting mad again,
269
00:10:41,757 --> 00:10:43,156
"so I'm going to
stop writing now.
270
00:10:43,158 --> 00:10:46,760
Please enjoy these chocolates,
may contain peanuts."
271
00:10:46,762 --> 00:10:47,944
Kiss and make up?
272
00:10:48,963 --> 00:10:49,963
(chuckles)
273
00:10:51,349 --> 00:10:54,000
Have sex up against the window
and make up? - (laughs)
274
00:10:54,002 --> 00:10:56,303
You do have a great view.
275
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:58,221
Well, funny you
should mention that.
276
00:10:58,223 --> 00:10:59,306
It's your view.
277
00:10:59,308 --> 00:11:01,641
Come again for Big Fudge?
278
00:11:01,643 --> 00:11:03,626
Congratulations. You're hired.
279
00:11:04,511 --> 00:11:05,645
You are Goliath National Bank's
280
00:11:05,647 --> 00:11:08,448
newest executive
strategy coordinator.
281
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:11,284
What is an executive
strategy coordinator?
282
00:11:11,286 --> 00:11:13,370
It's three
corporate-sounding words
283
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:15,622
which, when added together,
equal a fake job
284
00:11:15,624 --> 00:11:18,074
for which you get
a real paycheck
285
00:11:18,076 --> 00:11:20,693
in the amount of exactly
what you'd make stripping.
286
00:11:20,695 --> 00:11:22,695
Plus dental. You're welcs.
287
00:11:22,697 --> 00:11:24,798
Now, about that
up-against-the-window sex...
288
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,583
Dude, I don't want
to work for a bank.
289
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:27,467
Why not?
290
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:29,452
Because I have standards.
291
00:11:29,454 --> 00:11:30,804
You people are whores.
292
00:11:30,806 --> 00:11:33,039
The things you're willing
to do just for some money,
293
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:34,540
it's shameful.
294
00:11:34,542 --> 00:11:36,876
You work in a strip club.
295
00:11:36,878 --> 00:11:38,812
Yeah, and I like it.
296
00:11:38,814 --> 00:11:40,380
And I'm good at it.
297
00:11:40,382 --> 00:11:41,431
Barney,
298
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:44,184
if I took this job,
you would own me.
299
00:11:44,186 --> 00:11:45,902
I would be willingly
stepping into a cage,
300
00:11:45,904 --> 00:11:47,570
which is something I don't do.
301
00:11:47,572 --> 00:11:50,273
Except on Thursdays, when it's
cage night at the Lusty Leopard,
302
00:11:50,275 --> 00:11:51,441
but that's a cardboard cage,
303
00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:53,743
and I can get out of it
any time I want.
304
00:11:53,745 --> 00:11:54,944
You can?
305
00:11:54,946 --> 00:11:57,197
Wow, thanks
for ruining cage night.
306
00:11:57,731 --> 00:11:59,082
- Come on, Quinn.
- No.
307
00:11:59,084 --> 00:11:59,783
I wouldn't...
Nope.
308
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,918
Don't.
309
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,070
I think I have
some thinking to do.
310
00:12:04,905 --> 00:12:07,006
I...
311
00:12:07,008 --> 00:12:08,174
Mr. Stinson?
312
00:12:08,176 --> 00:12:09,926
Does this mean
I get to keep my job?
313
00:12:09,928 --> 00:12:13,163
(sighs)
Yeah, Herm, you can stay.
314
00:12:13,165 --> 00:12:14,848
Hey, baby, listen.
315
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:16,916
I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out.
316
00:12:16,918 --> 00:12:18,184
Oh, that's okay.
317
00:12:18,186 --> 00:12:20,470
To be fair, maybe I'm at fault
318
00:12:20,472 --> 00:12:22,255
for loving our child too much,
319
00:12:22,257 --> 00:12:24,607
although that is the definition
of parenting, so...
320
00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:25,758
All right, good make up.
321
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,360
Hey, listen, I went online,
322
00:12:27,362 --> 00:12:29,479
and I found
this Baby Boot Camp thing
323
00:12:29,481 --> 00:12:32,198
that they're doing at a hotel
in Paramus this weekend.
324
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,450
Baby Boot Camp?
325
00:12:33,452 --> 00:12:34,701
That sounds great.
326
00:12:34,703 --> 00:12:35,985
Yeah, it's a two-day event...
327
00:12:35,987 --> 00:12:37,103
We're going.
328
00:12:37,105 --> 00:12:38,738
...and there's lots
of seminars and classes.
329
00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:40,123
You've already made the sale.
330
00:12:40,125 --> 00:12:41,458
Anyway, I signed us up.
331
00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:42,876
Not even listening anymore;
mentally packing.
332
00:12:42,878 --> 00:12:45,111
I'm trying to figure out
the best way to get to Paramus
333
00:12:45,113 --> 00:12:46,296
without hitting any tolls.
334
00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:47,613
This is gonna be great.
335
00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:50,950
And that was the last time
336
00:12:50,952 --> 00:12:53,720
I'll ever go out with a guy
with a mustache.
337
00:12:53,722 --> 00:12:54,921
(both chuckling)
338
00:12:54,923 --> 00:12:56,172
This is good.
339
00:12:56,174 --> 00:12:58,675
This is nice, not thinking
about you-know-who.
340
00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,593
Just having a good time
341
00:13:00,595 --> 00:13:02,679
and thanking God I didn't grow
that mustache.
342
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:04,130
And you,
343
00:13:04,132 --> 00:13:06,466
you're so polite.
344
00:13:06,468 --> 00:13:10,153
My ex-fiancé, Wayne,
he had no manners.
345
00:13:10,155 --> 00:13:11,688
Wayne had no manners.
346
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:13,523
Wayne... manners...
347
00:13:13,525 --> 00:13:16,860
Wayne Manor,
home of Bruce Wayne,
348
00:13:16,862 --> 00:13:18,678
better known as Batman,
349
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,247
mentor to Dick Grayson,
his orphan ward
350
00:13:21,249 --> 00:13:23,450
who at night would don
the colorful vestments
351
00:13:23,452 --> 00:13:25,368
of the Boy Wonder, aka...
352
00:13:25,370 --> 00:13:27,120
(growling): Robin.
353
00:13:27,122 --> 00:13:30,457
Holy long walk for a short drink
of water, Ted.
354
00:13:30,459 --> 00:13:31,458
Stop this.
355
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:33,460
I need you out of my life
for real.
356
00:13:33,462 --> 00:13:35,011
- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do.
357
00:13:35,013 --> 00:13:36,012
No, you don't.
358
00:13:36,014 --> 00:13:37,830
Look how much is changing
right now.
359
00:13:37,832 --> 00:13:40,133
Marshall and Lily
are having a baby.
360
00:13:40,135 --> 00:13:41,834
Barney's shacking up
with a girl.
361
00:13:41,836 --> 00:13:42,969
With your whole world
362
00:13:42,971 --> 00:13:44,437
turning upside down,
363
00:13:44,439 --> 00:13:45,855
isn't a friendship like this one
364
00:13:45,857 --> 00:13:49,309
something you want to hold on to
as tightly as possible?
365
00:13:51,278 --> 00:13:54,948
And every time I look at you,
it hurts.
366
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:57,450
...and that's the story
of my only lesbian experience.
367
00:13:57,452 --> 00:13:58,902
I'm sorry
368
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,870
for going into so much detail.
369
00:14:00,872 --> 00:14:03,323
I'll never tell
that story again.
370
00:14:03,325 --> 00:14:05,024
Anyway, how's your meal?
371
00:14:05,026 --> 00:14:07,360
Holly, listen,
I should probably tell you,
372
00:14:07,362 --> 00:14:11,047
um, I'm kind of getting
over someone right now.
373
00:14:11,049 --> 00:14:13,500
I am so glad you said that.
374
00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:16,035
I guess I'm still
getting over Wayne.
375
00:14:16,037 --> 00:14:17,887
It's been really hard.
376
00:14:18,656 --> 00:14:20,673
Can I interest you
in some sorbet?
377
00:14:20,675 --> 00:14:23,176
You two look like you could both
use a palate cleanser.
378
00:14:26,981 --> 00:14:29,349
(exhales)
379
00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:30,884
How's your palate, Ted?
380
00:14:30,886 --> 00:14:33,069
Pretty cleansed.
381
00:14:33,071 --> 00:14:35,355
(chuckling)
382
00:14:35,357 --> 00:14:37,857
(groans)
You know, at this seminar,
383
00:14:37,859 --> 00:14:39,909
there's gonna be the
one guy who's, like,
384
00:14:39,911 --> 00:14:42,579
Mr. Parenting Expert, keeps
interrupting the speakers
385
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:44,397
with his own "important facts."
386
00:14:44,399 --> 00:14:46,583
And you're gonna be sitting
right next to him,
387
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:49,085
so get ready for that.
388
00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:51,621
Baby, you've been a little
sleep deprived lately.
389
00:14:51,623 --> 00:14:53,673
Why don't you let me drive?
390
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:56,576
You know what, that's
not such a bad idea.
391
00:14:56,578 --> 00:14:58,744
I mean, the last thing we want
392
00:14:58,746 --> 00:15:02,181
is for me to get
behind the wheel and just...
393
00:15:02,183 --> 00:15:05,435
(snoring)
394
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:09,055
(groaning)
395
00:15:09,057 --> 00:15:11,107
(moans)
396
00:15:11,109 --> 00:15:13,893
Oh, baby, you smell good.
397
00:15:13,895 --> 00:15:16,362
When we get to that hotel,
398
00:15:16,364 --> 00:15:18,948
I'm gonna wear
your pregnant belly like a hat.
399
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:20,567
BARNEY:
You'll have to buy me
400
00:15:20,569 --> 00:15:22,118
a couple of
cocktails first.
401
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,769
Bar-Barney!
402
00:15:23,771 --> 00:15:25,438
Where are we?
403
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,458
Atlantic City, baby!
404
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,627
Well, in 14 miles.
405
00:15:33,241 --> 00:15:35,045
What the hell is going on?
406
00:15:35,145 --> 00:15:36,377
And where is Lily?
407
00:15:36,379 --> 00:15:38,880
And what did you do
to the practice baby?
408
00:15:38,882 --> 00:15:41,215
And is there any left?
409
00:15:41,217 --> 00:15:43,735
Lily was worried about you.
410
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:46,187
She thought you needed
to unwind, so...
411
00:15:46,189 --> 00:15:49,390
I mean, the last thing
we want is for me to
412
00:15:49,392 --> 00:15:51,826
get behind the wheel
and just...
413
00:15:51,828 --> 00:15:54,262
(snoring)
414
00:15:56,282 --> 00:15:58,283
BARNEY: She made reservations
for two deluxe rooms,
415
00:15:58,285 --> 00:15:59,734
massages, and dinner
at the Palm,
416
00:15:59,736 --> 00:16:02,704
and in return,
I made her cookies.
417
00:16:05,174 --> 00:16:08,409
So, there's no Baby Boot Camp
at the Paramus Waldorf?
418
00:16:10,045 --> 00:16:11,763
Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?
419
00:16:11,765 --> 00:16:13,214
Bro...
420
00:16:13,216 --> 00:16:15,717
I am so mad at Lily right now.
421
00:16:15,719 --> 00:16:19,304
She knew you would be;
that's why she packed this.
422
00:16:19,306 --> 00:16:21,639
Aw.
423
00:16:21,641 --> 00:16:24,058
My mad-at-Lily shirt.
424
00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:26,761
I had this made for me
425
00:16:26,763 --> 00:16:28,780
and my high school
girlfriend, Steph.
426
00:16:28,782 --> 00:16:30,982
In reality,
"Marshall and Steph 4-eva"
427
00:16:30,984 --> 00:16:32,066
turned out to be
428
00:16:32,068 --> 00:16:33,902
"Marshall and Steph
for two days
429
00:16:33,904 --> 00:16:37,438
until Steph's boyfriend
got out of juvie a week early."
430
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,107
Drives Lily crazy
when I wear it.
431
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,578
I hope she's miserable
without me.
432
00:16:43,580 --> 00:16:45,129
(crunching)
433
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,884
Hey, Ted,
how's tricks?
434
00:16:49,886 --> 00:16:51,252
Tricks are pretty good, Lou.
435
00:16:51,254 --> 00:16:54,455
Had some girl trouble
earlier in the week, but, uh,
436
00:16:54,457 --> 00:16:56,557
I got a feeling from here on
out, things are gonna be A...
437
00:16:56,559 --> 00:16:59,060
O-Oh, you son of a bitch.
438
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:01,429
Hello.
439
00:17:01,431 --> 00:17:03,398
(cheering)
440
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,766
Lily's right.
441
00:17:04,768 --> 00:17:06,100
I've been acting crazy.
442
00:17:06,102 --> 00:17:07,235
No, it's okay, bro.
443
00:17:07,237 --> 00:17:09,904
I mean, yeah,
you've been a little crazy,
444
00:17:09,906 --> 00:17:11,305
but it comes from love.
445
00:17:11,307 --> 00:17:13,408
It's the same kind of crazy
that makes a man
446
00:17:13,410 --> 00:17:16,661
offer his stripper girlfriend
over half a million dollars
447
00:17:16,663 --> 00:17:17,912
of government bailout money,
448
00:17:17,914 --> 00:17:19,697
not to rub up
on other guys' junk.
449
00:17:19,699 --> 00:17:21,148
It's good crazy.
450
00:17:21,150 --> 00:17:22,483
(gamblers groaning)
451
00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:28,089
I hope Lily's okay.
Okay,
452
00:17:28,091 --> 00:17:29,323
you know, that's it, bro.
453
00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:31,158
We're both turning off
our phones for one hour.
454
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,260
Motion denied.
455
00:17:32,262 --> 00:17:35,179
Okay, you leave me no choice.
456
00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:39,017
Proposal: you give me one hour
of phone-free bro time,
457
00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:41,803
during which we,
and by we I mean you,
458
00:17:41,805 --> 00:17:44,806
get magnificently,
mythologically drunk.
459
00:17:44,808 --> 00:17:48,509
I'm talking needing-subtitles-
when-you-speak drunk.
460
00:17:48,511 --> 00:17:51,012
If you can give me that,
461
00:17:51,014 --> 00:17:54,148
I will wear this.
462
00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:55,233
The ducky tie?
463
00:17:55,235 --> 00:17:56,617
I thought you threw
that thing away.
464
00:17:56,619 --> 00:17:58,069
I did.
465
00:17:58,071 --> 00:18:00,021
It came back.
466
00:18:00,023 --> 00:18:01,689
All right, Barney,
467
00:18:01,691 --> 00:18:03,541
you got yourself a deal.
468
00:18:03,543 --> 00:18:05,493
(chuckles)
469
00:18:05,495 --> 00:18:07,295
(beep)
470
00:18:07,297 --> 00:18:09,580
Um, excuse me, miss.
471
00:18:09,582 --> 00:18:10,915
Um, when you get a chance,
472
00:18:10,917 --> 00:18:14,886
could you bring over a hundred
shots of tequila, please?
473
00:18:14,888 --> 00:18:16,487
I'll have the same.
474
00:18:21,043 --> 00:18:22,276
Why are you still here?
475
00:18:22,278 --> 00:18:23,895
Why do you think I'm still here?
476
00:18:23,897 --> 00:18:26,731
I guess because I'm
in love with you.
477
00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:30,051
Why else would I be seeing
your face everywhere I look?
478
00:18:30,053 --> 00:18:31,719
Because you feel bad.
479
00:18:31,721 --> 00:18:33,738
Of course I feel bad.
480
00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:35,556
I told you I love you,
481
00:18:35,558 --> 00:18:39,193
which is apparently the worst
thing you can say to someone.
482
00:18:39,195 --> 00:18:40,862
That's not why you feel bad.
483
00:18:40,864 --> 00:18:43,281
You feel bad because
after you said it,
484
00:18:43,283 --> 00:18:44,932
you let me go away.
485
00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:47,168
I know our relationship
486
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:49,420
isn't exactly
what you want it to be,
487
00:18:49,422 --> 00:18:51,422
and I know I
may not love you
488
00:18:51,424 --> 00:18:55,410
the way you love me,
but I do love you.
489
00:18:56,979 --> 00:18:59,263
Isn't that worth hanging on to?
490
00:19:01,817 --> 00:19:03,384
(sighs)
491
00:19:03,386 --> 00:19:06,888
I miss you.
492
00:19:06,890 --> 00:19:09,373
So go get me back.
493
00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:15,963
(exhales)
494
00:19:15,965 --> 00:19:17,765
Robin?
495
00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:18,950
Ted.
496
00:19:18,952 --> 00:19:20,201
It's good to really see you.
497
00:19:20,203 --> 00:19:21,819
It's really good to see you.
498
00:19:21,821 --> 00:19:23,121
Look, I think we need to talk.
499
00:19:23,123 --> 00:19:25,490
Uh, me, too,
but now's not a good time.
500
00:19:25,492 --> 00:19:26,324
Why not?
501
00:19:26,326 --> 00:19:28,409
I am proud of you, bro.
502
00:19:28,411 --> 00:19:30,828
You turned off your phone
for one hour,
503
00:19:30,830 --> 00:19:32,246
and you got so drunk...
504
00:19:32,248 --> 00:19:34,415
(mumbling)
505
00:19:36,952 --> 00:19:38,920
Exactly.
506
00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:40,755
Hey, (mumbles).
507
00:19:40,757 --> 00:19:42,090
Yes, Marshall?
508
00:19:42,092 --> 00:19:44,675
(speaking untelligibly)
509
00:19:44,677 --> 00:19:46,410
Well, I don't see why not.
510
00:19:48,514 --> 00:19:52,250
Whoa! I've got
17 new voicemails.
511
00:19:52,252 --> 00:19:53,601
Barney, it's Lily.
512
00:19:53,603 --> 00:19:55,903
You guys need to get back
to New York right away.
513
00:19:55,905 --> 00:19:56,971
I'm in labor.
514
00:19:56,973 --> 00:19:59,306
(Marshall yelling)
515
00:19:59,308 --> 00:20:00,975
All hail Beercules!
516
00:20:00,977 --> 00:20:02,443
(laughing) Yeah!
517
00:20:02,445 --> 00:20:04,311
(laughing)
518
00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:10,369
(groans)
519
00:20:10,371 --> 00:20:13,606
All right, Barney,
you got yourself a deal.
520
00:20:16,343 --> 00:20:17,843
(beep)
521
00:20:17,845 --> 00:20:20,079
Hey, you've reached Marshall.
522
00:20:20,081 --> 00:20:21,630
Please leave a message.
(beep)
523
00:20:21,632 --> 00:20:23,699
Hey, baby, it's me.
524
00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:25,234
I think I'm labor.
525
00:20:25,236 --> 00:20:29,054
(coughs) We should do this
every weekend.
526
00:20:29,056 --> 00:20:31,273
(beep)
Okay, this is real.
527
00:20:31,275 --> 00:20:32,441
It's not a false alarm.
528
00:20:32,443 --> 00:20:33,692
This is real; I'm in labor.
529
00:20:33,694 --> 00:20:36,028
I kind of need you
to call me back now.
530
00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:38,113
How does somebody so little
531
00:20:38,115 --> 00:20:41,850
have such strong fingers?
532
00:20:41,852 --> 00:20:43,118
Call me!
533
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,038
He is the manager
of the Paramus Waldorf.
534
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,792
You come to Paramus,
we will hook you up.
535
00:20:49,794 --> 00:20:51,744
(beep) If you're trying
to get back at me,
536
00:20:51,746 --> 00:20:55,651
you have chosen a wildly
inappropriate way of doing so!
537
00:20:56,202 --> 00:20:59,646
Oh, yeah... Oh, yeah.
538
00:20:59,647 --> 00:21:03,647
== sync, corrected by elderman ==