1 00:00:01,980 --> 00:00:04,615 NARRATOR: Kids, early in this story, you may recall me saying 2 00:00:04,715 --> 00:00:06,131 something along the lines of... 3 00:00:06,133 --> 00:00:08,268 Okay, no more dating. 4 00:00:08,368 --> 00:00:09,952 I am ready to settle down. 5 00:00:09,954 --> 00:00:12,471 And at the time, I probably thought I meant it. 6 00:00:12,473 --> 00:00:14,723 But, kids, I'll be honest. 7 00:00:14,725 --> 00:00:16,491 Being single's fun. 8 00:00:16,493 --> 00:00:19,311 As a young unattached man in New York City, 9 00:00:19,313 --> 00:00:20,712 I had a great time. 10 00:00:20,714 --> 00:00:22,981 A great time. 11 00:00:22,983 --> 00:00:25,317 What was I saying? Oh, yeah. 12 00:00:25,319 --> 00:00:28,186 I had such a great time that it took someone very special 13 00:00:28,188 --> 00:00:30,105 to make me want to settle down. 14 00:00:30,107 --> 00:00:32,608 And that someone... 15 00:00:32,610 --> 00:00:35,277 was Jeanette. 16 00:00:35,279 --> 00:00:37,913 What made Jeanette so special? Well... 17 00:00:37,915 --> 00:00:39,665 That was a foul! 18 00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:40,699 (glass shatters) 19 00:00:40,701 --> 00:00:42,751 Jeanette was the last girl I dated 20 00:00:42,753 --> 00:00:44,036 before I met your mother. 21 00:00:44,038 --> 00:00:46,004 The girl who finally got me to say... 22 00:00:46,006 --> 00:00:48,206 No more dating. 23 00:00:48,208 --> 00:00:50,453 I'm ready to settle down. 24 00:00:50,454 --> 00:00:51,904 NARRATOR: ...and really mean it. 25 00:00:51,906 --> 00:00:53,439 Oh! 26 00:00:53,441 --> 00:00:57,441 ? How I Met Your Mother 8x16 ? Bad Crazy Original Air Date on February 11, 2013 27 00:00:57,466 --> 00:01:02,466 == sync, corrected by elderman == 28 00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:08,712 NARRATOR: But let's back up a little bit. 29 00:01:08,714 --> 00:01:11,065 She broke your TV with a beer bottle? 30 00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:13,434 In her defense, she was aiming for the window. 31 00:01:13,436 --> 00:01:15,403 Dude, you gotta get rid of this girl. 32 00:01:15,405 --> 00:01:17,522 Agreed. Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye 33 00:01:17,524 --> 00:01:18,740 before you get stab-stabbed. 34 00:01:18,742 --> 00:01:20,074 Oh, really? 35 00:01:20,076 --> 00:01:22,610 And are you guys saying this because you don't want me 36 00:01:22,612 --> 00:01:24,712 to be with Jeanette, or because you want me 37 00:01:24,714 --> 00:01:27,398 to stay single so you guys can keep your clubhouse? 38 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:28,399 J'accuse! 39 00:01:28,401 --> 00:01:29,767 NARRATOR: I had a point, 40 00:01:29,769 --> 00:01:30,802 and they knew it. 41 00:01:30,804 --> 00:01:32,570 You see, in early 2013, 42 00:01:32,572 --> 00:01:34,856 I was the only single guy in the group. 43 00:01:34,858 --> 00:01:37,558 Which meant whenever Marshall or Barney bought something 44 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,243 they weren't allowed to keep in their apartments... 45 00:01:39,245 --> 00:01:41,512 ? 46 00:02:07,956 --> 00:02:09,791 You know what, Ted? That reminds me. 47 00:02:09,793 --> 00:02:11,959 I just bought this antique Swiss clock, 48 00:02:11,961 --> 00:02:14,445 but Robin won't let us put it in the apartment, 49 00:02:14,447 --> 00:02:17,114 so I was gonna leave it at your place. 50 00:02:17,116 --> 00:02:18,416 Only problem? It's broken. 51 00:02:18,418 --> 00:02:21,252 So I was just gonna sit here and try to fix it 52 00:02:21,254 --> 00:02:24,338 while maybe you tell us what you and Jeanette did last night? 53 00:02:24,340 --> 00:02:26,974 Okay. Well, uh, Jeanette is a big Marilyn Monroe fan. 54 00:02:26,976 --> 00:02:28,009 (clock cuckoos) 55 00:02:28,011 --> 00:02:30,761 There you go! Now it's working! 56 00:02:30,763 --> 00:02:32,930 Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go on. She's a Marilyn Monroe fan 57 00:02:32,932 --> 00:02:34,765 so I guess you watched one of her movies? 58 00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:37,435 Uh, No, we had a séance. 59 00:02:37,437 --> 00:02:38,603 (clock cuckoos) 60 00:02:38,605 --> 00:02:40,488 Look at that! Good as new. 61 00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:43,641 Anyway, were you able to contact Marilyn 62 00:02:43,643 --> 00:02:45,443 in the spirit world? 63 00:02:45,445 --> 00:02:47,912 No. We talked to her cat. 64 00:02:47,914 --> 00:02:49,831 (clock cuckooing) 65 00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:52,917 Screw loose! That's the problem. 66 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:54,785 (Marvin crying) Uh-oh. 67 00:02:54,787 --> 00:02:55,953 Looks like somebody's hungry. 68 00:02:55,955 --> 00:02:57,538 I'm gonna get his food ready. 69 00:02:57,540 --> 00:03:00,007 Robin, can you grab him? 70 00:03:00,009 --> 00:03:03,211 Can I? Try and stop me! 71 00:03:03,213 --> 00:03:05,163 NARRATOR: Now, kids, what Lily didn't realize-- 72 00:03:05,165 --> 00:03:07,698 what none of us realized, in fact-- was that 73 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:10,034 in the eight months since your cousin Marvin was born, 74 00:03:10,036 --> 00:03:11,969 Robin had never once held him. 75 00:03:11,971 --> 00:03:15,172 The truth was, the thought of holding him terrified her, 76 00:03:15,174 --> 00:03:18,526 so she had always avoided it, ever so discreetly. 77 00:03:18,528 --> 00:03:19,977 Can you hold... Oh, shoot! Look at that! 78 00:03:19,979 --> 00:03:22,613 Oh, geez. 79 00:03:22,615 --> 00:03:23,948 I got him. 80 00:03:23,950 --> 00:03:25,533 Come here, you little munchkin. 81 00:03:25,535 --> 00:03:27,017 Aw, man... 82 00:03:27,019 --> 00:03:29,403 Oh, well, I call next. 83 00:03:29,405 --> 00:03:32,957 Well, I should go. It's time for Jeanette's... something. 84 00:03:32,959 --> 00:03:35,743 Time for Jeanette's what, Ted? 85 00:03:35,745 --> 00:03:39,747 Uh, we're taking her dog to an exorcist. 86 00:03:39,749 --> 00:03:42,633 Wow, Ted, that sounds... 87 00:03:47,222 --> 00:03:49,873 Crap, it's really broken now. 88 00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:52,476 Okay, fine. I admit it. She's crazy. 89 00:03:52,478 --> 00:03:53,594 Obviously. 90 00:03:53,596 --> 00:03:56,097 But I'm not in this for the long haul. 91 00:03:56,099 --> 00:03:57,881 It's just, you know, it's just fun. 92 00:03:57,883 --> 00:03:59,934 Of course it's fun, at first. 93 00:03:59,936 --> 00:04:02,320 But then when she starts calling out the name of her 94 00:04:02,322 --> 00:04:05,055 high school science teacher in the throes of passion, 95 00:04:05,057 --> 00:04:06,574 it's really fun. 96 00:04:06,576 --> 00:04:09,660 But then when she starts bringing knives into bed 97 00:04:09,662 --> 00:04:12,496 and making you fear for your safety? 98 00:04:12,498 --> 00:04:14,248 It's really, really fun. 99 00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:17,118 But then when she starts unbuttoning your pants 100 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:21,238 while you're being forced to drive blindfolded 101 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:26,110 down the freeway with a gun pointed at your... 102 00:04:26,112 --> 00:04:28,596 I'm sorry, what were we talking about? 103 00:04:28,598 --> 00:04:29,597 Jeanette. 104 00:04:29,599 --> 00:04:30,715 Oh, right. That girl's crazy. 105 00:04:30,717 --> 00:04:33,100 You gotta break up with her. I know. 106 00:04:33,102 --> 00:04:35,603 I know. You're right. I-I have to break up with her. 107 00:04:35,605 --> 00:04:37,588 I should do it in a public place, though, 108 00:04:37,590 --> 00:04:39,023 so she doesn't flip out. 109 00:04:39,025 --> 00:04:41,609 NARRATOR: So the next night, I met her in a public place 110 00:04:41,611 --> 00:04:42,944 so she wouldn't flip out. 111 00:04:42,946 --> 00:04:44,278 I will kill you, ref! 112 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,530 I will kill you in front of all these people! 113 00:04:46,532 --> 00:04:48,282 Oh, boy. What, you think I won't 114 00:04:48,284 --> 00:04:49,951 just 'cause I'm in a public place?! 115 00:04:49,953 --> 00:04:52,936 I'll go to jail for the rest of my life if I have to! 116 00:04:52,938 --> 00:04:55,539 (clears throat) 117 00:04:55,541 --> 00:04:58,492 Listen, before the game starts, I think we need to talk. 118 00:04:58,494 --> 00:05:00,277 I can't believe Ted's dead. 119 00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:01,545 I know. 120 00:05:01,547 --> 00:05:03,080 What a way to go. 121 00:05:03,082 --> 00:05:04,749 Killed by a bazooka. 122 00:05:04,751 --> 00:05:08,886 All right, all right, so I'm not on my game today. 123 00:05:08,888 --> 00:05:10,004 Anyway... 124 00:05:10,006 --> 00:05:12,340 I gotta hop out for a bit. 125 00:05:12,342 --> 00:05:13,557 You guys stay here. 126 00:05:13,559 --> 00:05:16,477 Oh, and, um, if Jeanette comes by, 127 00:05:16,479 --> 00:05:18,629 do not let her into the apartment. 128 00:05:18,631 --> 00:05:20,297 Don't let her in. Got it. 129 00:05:20,299 --> 00:05:22,966 Guys, this is serious. This girl is like bedbugs. 130 00:05:22,968 --> 00:05:25,603 Once she's in the apartment, there's no getting her out. 131 00:05:25,605 --> 00:05:28,489 Ted, buddy, (clears throat) 132 00:05:28,491 --> 00:05:30,191 how long have we been dealing 133 00:05:30,193 --> 00:05:33,244 with Barney's insane girlfriends? Years. 134 00:05:33,246 --> 00:05:35,246 Nigh on a decade! 135 00:05:35,248 --> 00:05:38,449 I had to testify in five competency hearings. 136 00:05:38,451 --> 00:05:40,785 I think we can handle Jeanette. 137 00:05:40,787 --> 00:05:42,370 Okay, okay. 138 00:05:42,372 --> 00:05:44,372 See you soon. 139 00:05:45,323 --> 00:05:46,624 (Marshall scoffs) 140 00:05:46,626 --> 00:05:48,876 That kid. Am I right? 141 00:05:48,878 --> 00:05:50,327 (knocking) 142 00:05:50,329 --> 00:05:52,963 Now look who forgot his keys. 143 00:05:53,515 --> 00:05:55,266 (shrieks) 144 00:05:55,268 --> 00:05:56,684 What is it? 145 00:05:58,470 --> 00:06:00,354 (screams) 146 00:06:00,356 --> 00:06:03,190 NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Lily and Robin were out getting lunch, 147 00:06:03,192 --> 00:06:05,559 when disaster struck. 148 00:06:05,561 --> 00:06:07,845 Oh, God, I left his binky on that bus! 149 00:06:07,847 --> 00:06:09,346 Wait. Don't you have other binkies? 150 00:06:09,348 --> 00:06:11,065 That one's his favorite! He'll know the difference! 151 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,317 I'm not gonna let this be the reason 152 00:06:13,319 --> 00:06:14,402 he resents me later in life! 153 00:06:14,404 --> 00:06:17,688 If he starts crying, just pick him up! 154 00:06:17,690 --> 00:06:18,873 (Marvin crying) 155 00:06:18,875 --> 00:06:21,876 What? Uh, uh... 156 00:06:21,878 --> 00:06:26,664 Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there. Okay. 157 00:06:26,666 --> 00:06:29,500 Hey, I'm back. Did I miss anything? 158 00:06:29,502 --> 00:06:30,885 Nope. 159 00:06:30,887 --> 00:06:31,869 Did Jeanette come by? 160 00:06:31,871 --> 00:06:33,003 Jeanette? I know lots of Jeanettes. 161 00:06:33,005 --> 00:06:34,922 Um... (mutters) 162 00:06:34,924 --> 00:06:36,691 Guys! Okay, she came by 163 00:06:36,693 --> 00:06:38,726 because she forgot her book. 164 00:06:38,728 --> 00:06:41,512 So we let her go up in your room and get it. 165 00:06:41,514 --> 00:06:43,213 And then? 166 00:06:43,215 --> 00:06:44,982 And then what? 167 00:06:44,984 --> 00:06:47,318 And then she left? 168 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:51,272 I think she left. 169 00:06:51,274 --> 00:06:52,823 (glass shatters upstairs) 170 00:06:52,825 --> 00:06:55,710 Are you sure she left? 171 00:06:55,712 --> 00:06:59,413 I am... 90% sure... 172 00:06:59,415 --> 00:07:01,365 that she left. 173 00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:02,450 (loud thudding upstairs) 174 00:07:02,452 --> 00:07:04,502 80 percent. 175 00:07:04,504 --> 00:07:05,503 (glass shatters) 176 00:07:05,505 --> 00:07:07,171 Actually, I'm gonna change my answer. 177 00:07:07,173 --> 00:07:09,406 I am now starting to think she never left, 178 00:07:09,408 --> 00:07:13,627 and instead she barricaded herself in your room. 179 00:07:13,629 --> 00:07:15,379 And I'm never coming out! 180 00:07:16,548 --> 00:07:18,349 A hundred percent. 181 00:07:22,736 --> 00:07:24,398 I cannot believe you guys! 182 00:07:24,498 --> 00:07:27,762 Well, maybe if you had given us a warning that she was crazy! 183 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,522 Dude, it's okay. 184 00:07:29,525 --> 00:07:31,358 She can't stay in there forever. 185 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,911 She'll have to come out to eat and drink 186 00:07:33,913 --> 00:07:35,579 and go to the bathroom, right? 187 00:07:35,581 --> 00:07:37,498 NARRATOR: Now, a few months earlier, 188 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:40,100 the East Coast had been hit by a bad storm, 189 00:07:40,102 --> 00:07:42,102 and some intelligent, forward-thinking 190 00:07:42,104 --> 00:07:44,204 New Yorkers took it as a wake-up call, 191 00:07:44,206 --> 00:07:46,423 making sure to stock their bedrooms with enough 192 00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:47,674 food and water to last months, 193 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,426 not to mention a portable waste management system. 194 00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:51,828 It was really the smart thing to do. 195 00:07:53,664 --> 00:07:54,882 You dumbass! 196 00:07:54,884 --> 00:07:58,635 Really, Ted. How could you be so unbelievably stupid? 197 00:07:58,637 --> 00:08:01,004 No, no, you guys are the ones who invited 198 00:08:01,006 --> 00:08:03,974 a vampire into my apartment! This is your fault! 199 00:08:03,976 --> 00:08:05,559 And P.S., if this disaster 200 00:08:05,561 --> 00:08:08,028 had been a superstorm instead of a hot lunatic, 201 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,731 you'd all be begging to eat my freeze-dried protein paste 202 00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:13,700 and crap in my biohazard bucket. Just sayin'. 203 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,768 I got it. 204 00:08:14,770 --> 00:08:16,370 It was on the floor of the bus. 205 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:20,023 I should probably throw it out. Eh. 206 00:08:20,691 --> 00:08:22,292 Did he give you any problems? 207 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,745 He cried a little, but then he stopped. 208 00:08:24,747 --> 00:08:27,965 Oh, good. Anything else happen? 209 00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:29,366 Nope. 210 00:08:29,368 --> 00:08:31,885 That... is... it. 211 00:08:33,855 --> 00:08:35,923 All gone! 212 00:08:35,925 --> 00:08:37,641 We have to do this more often. 213 00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:39,226 Oh, we totally do. 214 00:08:39,228 --> 00:08:41,011 I can't believe Marvin's in kindergarten. 215 00:08:41,013 --> 00:08:42,980 He's growing up so fast. 216 00:08:42,982 --> 00:08:45,566 Can I confess something to you? 217 00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:49,236 Remember the day you left Marvin's binky on the bus 218 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:52,022 and you left me alone with him? Yeah. 219 00:08:52,024 --> 00:08:55,058 Well, I didn't tell you this at the time, but... 220 00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:56,410 (Marvin crying) 221 00:08:56,412 --> 00:09:00,447 Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there. 222 00:09:00,449 --> 00:09:01,731 Okay, shh, shh. 223 00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:05,568 Oh, no, it looks like somebody's not happy. 224 00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:06,920 No kidding. I'm miserable. 225 00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:08,188 Listen to this thing. 226 00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:11,091 He probably just wants to be held. 227 00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:12,676 I think you're right. 228 00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,761 Can you do it? 229 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,597 All right. 230 00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:19,582 Come here, handsome. Oh. Yeah. 231 00:09:19,584 --> 00:09:21,184 (crying stops) Yes. 232 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,936 Oh. 233 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:25,422 I let a stranger pick up Marvin. I'm sorry. 234 00:09:25,424 --> 00:09:27,357 It's just, I hadn't actually picked him up 235 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,226 at that point, and I was scared, so... 236 00:09:29,228 --> 00:09:31,528 You know what? It was four years ago. 237 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:34,865 He's obviously fine. Don't even worry about it. 238 00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:36,316 Really? Yeah. 239 00:09:36,318 --> 00:09:38,151 Thank you. 240 00:09:38,153 --> 00:09:41,271 I mean, as long as there's not more to that story. 241 00:09:41,273 --> 00:09:45,409 Nope. That... is... it. 242 00:09:47,445 --> 00:09:49,379 Jeanette, you have to leave! 243 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:50,414 JEANETTE: In a minute! 244 00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:52,582 I still haven't found that book! 245 00:09:52,584 --> 00:09:53,783 (loud crashing) 246 00:09:53,785 --> 00:09:55,802 Listen, Jeanette, I didn't want to do this, 247 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:58,121 but I called the police. They're on their way. 248 00:09:58,123 --> 00:09:59,806 WOMAN (over radio): All units, all units. 249 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,391 Possible 10-90 in progress 250 00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,428 at 521 West 82nd, apartment 15. 251 00:10:04,430 --> 00:10:05,846 Where's that coming from? 252 00:10:05,848 --> 00:10:07,297 Is that you, Dolores? 253 00:10:07,299 --> 00:10:09,349 Jeanette? Hey, girl. How you been? 254 00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:11,902 Oh, you know, I'm just doing me. 255 00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:14,571 Anyway, I'll check out that 10-90. 256 00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,657 Okay, but remember... 257 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,408 I know, no excessive force. 258 00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:21,078 Last thing I need is another suspension, am I right? (laughs) 259 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,247 NARRATOR: And that, kids, was how I found out 260 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,216 what Jeanette did for a living. 261 00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:28,168 Wait a second. 262 00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,153 (Boston accent): Is she a cop?! 263 00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:31,204 (Boston accent): I think she's a cop! 264 00:10:31,206 --> 00:10:32,873 Did you know she was a cop?! 265 00:10:32,875 --> 00:10:35,175 I didn't know she was a cop! 266 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:38,595 Ted, I'm sorry I have to say this-- Jeanette lives here now. 267 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,797 This is her place. You're gonna have to leave. 268 00:10:40,799 --> 00:10:41,798 What? 269 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,849 Why don't you have to leave? 270 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,434 JEANETTE: They can stay. 271 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:47,521 Thank you, Officer Jeanette. Thank you, Officer Jeanette. 272 00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:50,673 All gone. (giggles) 273 00:10:50,675 --> 00:10:52,025 We need to do this more often. 274 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:53,310 We totally do. I can't believe 275 00:10:53,312 --> 00:10:54,811 Marvin's in middle school. 276 00:10:54,813 --> 00:10:56,113 Oh, he's growing up so fast. 277 00:10:56,115 --> 00:10:59,282 Can I confess something to you? 278 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,068 Remember that day you left Marvin's binky 279 00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:03,487 on the bus and I let that old lady pick him up? 280 00:11:03,489 --> 00:11:06,456 I seem to recall that was the entire story. 281 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,792 There's a little bit more. 282 00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:10,360 There, there, little one. 283 00:11:10,362 --> 00:11:13,296 Let's put you back in your strolly-poo, 284 00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:16,967 so you can drift off to dreamy-dreamy land. 285 00:11:18,336 --> 00:11:20,420 Oh, thank you so much. 286 00:11:20,422 --> 00:11:22,089 Yeah, this is my first time alone with him, 287 00:11:22,091 --> 00:11:24,641 and, you know, um, I have this weird feeling that I'm gonna, 288 00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:27,344 I don't know, like, drop him or injure him in some way, 289 00:11:27,346 --> 00:11:28,979 which is completely insane. 290 00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:30,647 But... (laughs) Oh, heavens. 291 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:31,815 Oh, my God! 292 00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:32,566 Oh, my God. 293 00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:34,484 I know, I'm so sorry. 294 00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:35,902 Well, you know what? 295 00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:38,321 That was what, 12 years ago? 296 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,906 Don't even worry about it. 297 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,158 Really? Yeah. 298 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,360 Oh, thank you. 299 00:11:43,362 --> 00:11:46,113 Just promise me there's no more to that story. 300 00:11:47,064 --> 00:11:50,167 Nope, that is it. 301 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,903 Are you sure you want to do this? 302 00:11:53,905 --> 00:11:55,088 The girl's a cop. 303 00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:59,009 Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea. 304 00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:00,410 I don't care. 305 00:12:00,412 --> 00:12:02,679 I am going into that bedroom 306 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,131 because this is my home 307 00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:06,433 and I have to defend it. 308 00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,218 But mostly because 309 00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,086 my allergy medication 310 00:12:10,088 --> 00:12:12,422 is in there! 311 00:12:12,424 --> 00:12:14,090 All right, just be careful, okay? 312 00:12:14,092 --> 00:12:15,809 This girl is really crazy. 313 00:12:15,811 --> 00:12:19,095 Yeah, why can't she just accept the fact that you guys broke up? 314 00:12:19,097 --> 00:12:21,982 I know, I know, why can't she just accept that? 315 00:12:21,984 --> 00:12:23,900 Why, it's, like, why? 316 00:12:23,902 --> 00:12:26,436 (dramatic music plays) 317 00:12:26,438 --> 00:12:29,105 It might be because we didn't actually break up. 318 00:12:29,107 --> 00:12:30,624 (record scratches, music stops) Aw, man. 319 00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:33,577 Jeanette, come on, that's vintage vinyl. 320 00:12:37,685 --> 00:12:40,184 Ted, did you or didn't you break up 321 00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:41,766 with Jeanette last night? 322 00:12:41,768 --> 00:12:44,736 I don't know, it's kind of confusing. 323 00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:47,089 I think we need to talk. 324 00:12:47,091 --> 00:12:49,491 Oh, oh, okay. 325 00:12:49,493 --> 00:12:51,326 I see where this is going. 326 00:12:51,328 --> 00:12:53,328 You're in love with Lily. 327 00:12:53,330 --> 00:12:54,496 That's it, isn't it? 328 00:12:54,498 --> 00:12:56,381 What? No, I... 329 00:12:56,383 --> 00:12:59,117 Like I should be surprised with her fancy medical degree 330 00:12:59,119 --> 00:13:01,386 and her sexy Southern drawl. 331 00:13:01,388 --> 00:13:02,638 What? She's not... 332 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,256 Don't talk to me, don't look at me. 333 00:13:04,258 --> 00:13:07,142 I hate you and I never want to see you again! 334 00:13:08,794 --> 00:13:10,145 And then things got crazy 335 00:13:10,147 --> 00:13:12,814 and we got thrown out of the Barclays Center. 336 00:13:12,816 --> 00:13:16,068 I don't know, it felt pretty breakup-y. 337 00:13:16,070 --> 00:13:17,969 Mm. Anyway, 338 00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:20,656 we parted on pretty bad terms, so... 339 00:13:20,658 --> 00:13:23,241 I kind of thought maybe I could... 340 00:13:23,243 --> 00:13:24,776 Never contact her again and hope she'd take 341 00:13:24,778 --> 00:13:26,478 the hint and just leave you alone? 342 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,030 Barney, give me some credit. 343 00:13:28,032 --> 00:13:30,582 Was that the plan? Yes. 344 00:13:32,502 --> 00:13:34,119 All gone. We need to do this more often. 345 00:13:34,121 --> 00:13:35,253 We totally do. 346 00:13:35,255 --> 00:13:36,538 I can't believe Marvin's in high school. 347 00:13:36,540 --> 00:13:37,655 He's growing up so fast. 348 00:13:37,657 --> 00:13:39,624 Can I confess something to you? Oh, no. What? 349 00:13:39,626 --> 00:13:40,825 What happened? 350 00:13:40,827 --> 00:13:42,961 Tell me what you did to my son. 351 00:13:43,930 --> 00:13:46,848 This is not going well at all. 352 00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:48,283 Oh, honey, you are shaking. 353 00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,935 Let's get you out of the cold. 354 00:13:49,937 --> 00:13:51,937 What's open near here? 355 00:13:51,939 --> 00:13:53,772 ? 356 00:13:55,274 --> 00:13:58,676 You took my infant child to a strip club? 357 00:13:58,678 --> 00:13:59,895 It was just topless. 358 00:13:59,897 --> 00:14:01,863 He saw yours all the time anyway. 359 00:14:01,865 --> 00:14:03,799 Okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, 360 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,701 but that is all there is. 361 00:14:05,703 --> 00:14:07,402 Okay, there is no more to the story. 362 00:14:07,404 --> 00:14:09,204 I have now told you everything. 363 00:14:09,206 --> 00:14:11,440 ROBIN: All gone. 364 00:14:11,442 --> 00:14:13,992 We need to do this more often. We totally do. 365 00:14:13,994 --> 00:14:15,660 I can't believe Marvin's driving. 366 00:14:15,662 --> 00:14:16,962 He's growing up so fast. 367 00:14:16,964 --> 00:14:18,380 Okay, there's one other thing. 368 00:14:18,382 --> 00:14:19,548 What? 369 00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:21,666 Well, I have to go use the ladies' room. 370 00:14:21,668 --> 00:14:23,552 Can you watch him for me? 371 00:14:23,554 --> 00:14:24,702 Of course. 372 00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:26,471 I could just eat you up. 373 00:14:26,473 --> 00:14:28,056 (laughs) 374 00:14:28,058 --> 00:14:30,542 You left him with a complete stranger? 375 00:14:30,544 --> 00:14:31,876 He could've been... 376 00:14:31,878 --> 00:14:33,478 Robin, how could you? Lily, 377 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,564 please, okay, it was 16 years ago. 378 00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:37,816 He's fine. 379 00:14:37,818 --> 00:14:39,184 You're right. 380 00:14:39,186 --> 00:14:41,219 It's fine. (sighs) 381 00:14:41,221 --> 00:14:45,273 God, it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest. 382 00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:47,442 Finally it is all on the table. 383 00:14:47,444 --> 00:14:50,112 All secrets are exposed and there is nothing left 384 00:14:50,114 --> 00:14:51,663 to be revealed. 385 00:14:52,515 --> 00:14:54,116 All gone. We need to do this more... 386 00:14:54,118 --> 00:14:55,867 There's more to the story. Damn it, Robin. 387 00:14:55,869 --> 00:14:57,869 What could you possibly have left out? 388 00:14:57,871 --> 00:15:00,422 It's just there's, um, 389 00:15:00,424 --> 00:15:05,427 one little detail that I may have slightly altered. 390 00:15:05,429 --> 00:15:07,546 If he starts crying, just pick him up. 391 00:15:07,548 --> 00:15:09,714 (Marvin crying) 392 00:15:11,717 --> 00:15:13,552 Yeah, there, there. 393 00:15:13,554 --> 00:15:15,470 Come on, buddy, shh. 394 00:15:15,472 --> 00:15:17,522 Looks like somebody's unhappy. 395 00:15:17,524 --> 00:15:19,191 No kidding, I'm miserable. 396 00:15:19,193 --> 00:15:20,609 Listen to this thing. 397 00:15:20,611 --> 00:15:22,110 Maybe he needs to be held. 398 00:15:22,112 --> 00:15:24,362 I think you're right. 399 00:15:24,364 --> 00:15:26,198 Can you do it? 400 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,566 Sure. 401 00:15:27,568 --> 00:15:28,933 Come here, handsome. 402 00:15:28,935 --> 00:15:30,485 Come here, come here, you handsome devil, you. 403 00:15:30,487 --> 00:15:31,736 (crying stops) You're such a beautiful... 404 00:15:31,738 --> 00:15:33,205 Aw, you're such a cool dude. 405 00:15:33,207 --> 00:15:35,874 Oh, look at you, oh. 406 00:15:35,876 --> 00:15:37,576 All right, there, there, little one, there, there. 407 00:15:37,578 --> 00:15:39,961 Let me put you back in your strolly-poo 408 00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:43,114 so you can drift off to dreamy-dreamy land. 409 00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:45,083 Okay? All right. 410 00:15:45,085 --> 00:15:46,134 Thank you so much. 411 00:15:46,136 --> 00:15:47,219 Hey, don't worry about it. 412 00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:48,336 It's my first time alone with him, 413 00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:49,554 and I just have this weird feeling 414 00:15:49,556 --> 00:15:50,839 I'm gonna drop him 415 00:15:50,841 --> 00:15:52,007 or injure him in some way. 416 00:15:52,009 --> 00:15:53,175 I know it's completely insane... 417 00:15:53,177 --> 00:15:54,392 Oh, heavens, oh, watch it, no! 418 00:15:54,394 --> 00:15:55,760 (screams): No! 419 00:15:56,479 --> 00:15:59,431 This is not going well at all. 420 00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:00,599 (sighs) 421 00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:02,767 Oh, hon, you're shaking. 422 00:16:02,769 --> 00:16:03,735 Let's get out of the cold. 423 00:16:03,737 --> 00:16:05,487 Is there anything open near here? 424 00:16:05,489 --> 00:16:06,822 (sighs) 425 00:16:06,824 --> 00:16:08,473 ? 426 00:16:09,975 --> 00:16:12,194 Hey, I need to go to the ladies' room-- can you watch him for me? 427 00:16:12,196 --> 00:16:14,446 Of course. I could just eat you up. 428 00:16:14,448 --> 00:16:16,581 Look at you, yum, yum, yum, yum. 429 00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:20,869 You waited 17 years to tell me 430 00:16:20,871 --> 00:16:24,089 that you met the greatest boxer of all time? 431 00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:28,460 My son was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson? 432 00:16:28,462 --> 00:16:30,929 I wanted to tell you, believe me. How could you...? 433 00:16:30,931 --> 00:16:33,098 Okay, this is the right thing to do. 434 00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,884 You got to go up there and break up with her for real. 435 00:16:35,886 --> 00:16:37,669 And don't worry, if anything happens, 436 00:16:37,671 --> 00:16:39,688 just scream, we'll come rescue you. 437 00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:41,356 Okay. 438 00:16:41,358 --> 00:16:43,525 (laughs) 439 00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:02,410 Did you guys not hear me screaming up there? 440 00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:04,629 Aw, I feel so awful. 441 00:17:04,631 --> 00:17:05,797 We went to get subs. 442 00:17:05,799 --> 00:17:07,499 We got you one though. 443 00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:09,551 We didn't get you one. 444 00:17:10,503 --> 00:17:12,337 So, Jeanette's squatting in your room? 445 00:17:12,339 --> 00:17:13,955 What are you guys doing here? 446 00:17:13,957 --> 00:17:16,174 We heard you screaming from three blocks away. 447 00:17:16,176 --> 00:17:17,309 Why is she in there? 448 00:17:17,311 --> 00:17:19,261 Lily, there is no reason why. 449 00:17:19,263 --> 00:17:21,513 That's like asking why is the earth round? 450 00:17:21,515 --> 00:17:23,381 Why does the sun come up in the morning? 451 00:17:23,383 --> 00:17:24,849 What do I do for a living? 452 00:17:24,851 --> 00:17:27,686 There are some questions we're not meant to know the answer to. 453 00:17:27,688 --> 00:17:30,989 Crazy girls are crazy because they're crazy. 454 00:17:30,991 --> 00:17:33,191 I-I don't think it's quite that simple. 455 00:17:33,193 --> 00:17:34,359 I was talking 456 00:17:34,361 --> 00:17:36,244 to a friend of mine about Ted and Jeanette. 457 00:17:36,246 --> 00:17:38,229 Oh, great, what friend is this? 458 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:42,150 Uh, just this wise old lady that I know. 459 00:17:42,152 --> 00:17:43,485 Here's the thing about crazy. 460 00:17:43,487 --> 00:17:45,837 When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl, 461 00:17:45,839 --> 00:17:48,390 it takes a toll on her psychological well-being. 462 00:17:48,392 --> 00:17:50,926 You want to know why a girl acts crazy, 463 00:17:50,928 --> 00:17:52,510 look at the guy she's dating. 464 00:17:52,512 --> 00:17:54,412 Then you really see some crazy. 465 00:17:54,414 --> 00:17:56,348 Trust me. 466 00:17:57,633 --> 00:18:00,435 Are you Mike Tyson? 467 00:18:00,437 --> 00:18:01,469 Now, hold on. 468 00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:03,921 I've dated tons of crazy girls in my life, 469 00:18:03,923 --> 00:18:08,426 and not once have I ever treated them with anything other than... 470 00:18:08,428 --> 00:18:09,811 Oh, right, I'm a monster. 471 00:18:09,813 --> 00:18:13,064 Maybe the old lady with the face tattoo is right. 472 00:18:13,066 --> 00:18:15,933 Maybe the reason Jeanette's acting this way 473 00:18:15,935 --> 00:18:17,202 is Ted. 474 00:18:17,204 --> 00:18:19,154 Me? How is this my fault? 475 00:18:19,156 --> 00:18:21,456 Yeah, come on, this is Ted we're talking about. 476 00:18:21,458 --> 00:18:23,575 I'm sure he didn't do anything to lead her on 477 00:18:23,577 --> 00:18:26,077 or send mixed signals, right, Ted? 478 00:18:27,246 --> 00:18:29,247 Don't talk to me, don't look at me. 479 00:18:29,249 --> 00:18:32,250 I hate you and I never want to see you again! 480 00:18:37,006 --> 00:18:39,641 And we got thrown out of the Barclays Center. 481 00:18:39,643 --> 00:18:41,259 Okay, that's disappointing. 482 00:18:41,261 --> 00:18:42,927 So disappointing. 483 00:18:42,929 --> 00:18:45,897 Seriously. 484 00:18:45,899 --> 00:18:47,899 But that was last night. I mean, it's not like... 485 00:18:49,101 --> 00:18:51,186 Listen, Jeanette, we really need 486 00:18:51,188 --> 00:18:52,854 to have a serious talk about our... 487 00:18:52,856 --> 00:18:56,274 So, did Lily leave these boots here 488 00:18:56,276 --> 00:18:58,410 or was it some other bitch? 489 00:19:01,163 --> 00:19:04,649 Marshall, Barney, help me! 490 00:19:04,651 --> 00:19:07,118 I don't think they're coming. 491 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:08,937 I guess not. 492 00:19:13,926 --> 00:19:15,159 It's those red boots. 493 00:19:15,161 --> 00:19:17,128 They just look sexy on everyone. 494 00:19:17,130 --> 00:19:19,681 Okay, Ted, what is with the red boots? 495 00:19:19,683 --> 00:19:21,883 You're a smart guy, you've got some taste, 496 00:19:21,885 --> 00:19:23,385 you got a visual sense, I mean, 497 00:19:23,387 --> 00:19:25,169 you're an architect for Pete's sakes. 498 00:19:25,171 --> 00:19:27,055 How can you look at those boots and think... 499 00:19:27,057 --> 00:19:29,507 Oh, my God, I'm holding it, I'm holding the baby. 500 00:19:29,509 --> 00:19:30,942 What, you've never held him before? 501 00:19:30,944 --> 00:19:32,677 Uh, tons of times. 502 00:19:32,679 --> 00:19:35,613 This-this is not a big moment for me. 503 00:19:35,615 --> 00:19:37,115 (quietly): This is exhilarating. 504 00:19:37,117 --> 00:19:38,233 (crashing upstairs) 505 00:19:38,235 --> 00:19:41,653 Look, yes, I know what you're gonna say. 506 00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:43,705 I have to break up with her. No, 507 00:19:43,707 --> 00:19:45,857 I was actually gonna say the opposite. 508 00:19:45,859 --> 00:19:48,293 I think you need to be with Jeanette right now. 509 00:19:48,295 --> 00:19:50,194 Because she's the one. 510 00:19:50,196 --> 00:19:51,379 No. What? No. 511 00:19:51,381 --> 00:19:53,331 She's insane. 512 00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:56,167 But I think you are also a little insane right now. 513 00:19:56,169 --> 00:19:58,536 So I think you need to go 514 00:19:58,538 --> 00:20:01,556 be with your crazy girl for a while and when it all goes down 515 00:20:01,558 --> 00:20:03,758 in flames-- and I don't mean that figuratively, 516 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,810 I expect there to be actual flames... 517 00:20:05,812 --> 00:20:07,679 NARRATOR: And there were. 518 00:20:07,681 --> 00:20:10,065 ...we'll be here for you because we love you. 519 00:20:13,486 --> 00:20:16,721 Jeanette I just want to say that, uh, 520 00:20:16,723 --> 00:20:19,240 you going through my stuff like that... 521 00:20:20,876 --> 00:20:23,695 You are really something special. 522 00:20:25,164 --> 00:20:28,199 I'm gonna send Lily a dead animal in the mail. 523 00:20:29,401 --> 00:20:31,419 I think I'm falling for you. 524 00:20:31,421 --> 00:20:34,289 I think we should have a three-way with my therapist. 525 00:20:34,291 --> 00:20:35,924 He's 70. 526 00:20:35,926 --> 00:20:38,676 What is your ring size? 527 00:20:46,526 --> 00:20:48,656 (whispers): Robin. 528 00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:50,646 It's 3:00 in the morning. 529 00:20:50,647 --> 00:20:51,563 (whispers): Really? 530 00:20:51,564 --> 00:20:53,347 Yeah, you sure you don't want to just 531 00:20:53,349 --> 00:20:56,484 put him in the crib and, you know, go home? 532 00:20:56,486 --> 00:20:58,319 No, I'm good. 533 00:20:58,321 --> 00:21:00,321 Okay. 534 00:21:00,323 --> 00:21:01,406 Good night. 535 00:21:01,408 --> 00:21:02,690 Good night. 536 00:21:02,692 --> 00:21:06,792 == sync, corrected by elderman == 537 00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,846 What's that smell? 538 00:21:08,848 --> 00:21:11,482 (whispers): Lily! Lily!