Kids, as you know, Lily and Marshall had decided
to move to Rome after Barney and Robin's wedding.
We're going to Italy.
Si.
But without telling Lily,
Marshall had then accepted a judgeship in New York.
Good luck with that... Your Honor.
Until his always-helpful road trip companion
Daphne had selflessly come to his aid.
You texted Lily that I took the job?
You're welcome.
You were torturing yourself
figuring out how to tell her,
I just broke the ice for you.
I was standing on that ice.
Now I'm gonna be bobbing,
facedown on a frigid creek.
I do not need to know the nasty way you apologize to your wife.
And frigid? Maybe you're just doing it wrong.
Hi, baby.
I can't believe you did this behind my back.
I know, I should have talked to you.
Thanks to you, we are stuck
all weekend in the room with a ghost in it.
Room with a...?
We got 13?
The room that's haunted by the ghost of Captain Dearduff?
Who got the who with the what now?
? How I Met Your Mother 9x07 ? No Questions Asked Original Air Date on October 28, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man
Marshall had recently discovered
that the Farhampton Inn was featured
in an episode of The Ghost Network's original series,
True & Real Ghost Stories of the Supernatural.
Ooh, there, see?
The Farhampton Inn.
I told you it sounded familiar.
In 1843,
the streets of Farhampton, Long Island
were stalked by a vicious killer
named Captain Blazeby Dearduff.
Dubbed "Dearduff the Hooker," he murdered dozens
of unwary travelers with his sharpened hook.
Ironically that hook
would prove Dearduff's own undoing
one wintry night in room 13
of the Farhampton Inn.
Uh-oh.
He was found the next morning, frozen to death.
Boom!
Some say you can still hear Captain Dearduff's cries coming
from room 13.
Cold.
So cold.
Help me... help me...
We can see you, Ron.
Some say you can still hear the thump of his peg
and the scrape of his hook.
Others say Dearduff the Hooker was just
a popular male prostitute who murdered no one
and died of syphilis in 1848.
Let's hear from some people who have
actually survived a night in room 13.
Did I see a ghost?
- Of course... - Yes.
There's... Are.
...such thing as ghosts.
So, have you seen the ghost?
Not yet, but that might just be
because ghosts don't exist, Marshall!
So explain the night shirt
we saw flying around our cabin in the Poconos.
An owl got stuck in it.
We saw it fly out the neck hole.
Yeah, the ghost of an owl that died in that cabin.
Plus it's a crappy room, but when I tried to complain...
The thermostat in my room is broken.
The AC won't turn off.
Ooh!
Sounds like the work of Captain Dearduff.
He brings with him the icy chill of death.
So... bad luck there.
Night-night.
It sounds like you're using Captain Dearduff
as an excuse for a crappy room.
I beg your pardon.
I did not get to be a 40-year-old night clerk
by making excuses.
Now, if there is anything wrong with your room
that isn't ghost-related,
I'm more than happy to address it.
Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work.
Ghosts interfere with electronic devices.
The shower's leaking.
Dearduff likes the sound of dripping.
Reminds him of his bleeding victims.
And the door won't lock.
Captain Dearduff doesn't want to...
you know, be locked out of his room.
Why would a locked door keep a ghost out?
Can't he just walk through walls?
Maybe he's afraid of rats.
There are rats in the walls?
No.
And the inn's booked up because of the wedding,
so we can't change rooms.
Oh, that sucks.
I'm sorry, baby.
Hey...
but if Dearduff does manifest,
you know the proper way to harvest ectoplasm, right?
Hey, good news-- we're all set for the dove release.
The what? When we leave the church,
they're gonna release a hundred doves.
It's gonna be avi-wait-for-it-ary.
Aviary!
Oh.
That might be a problem. Why?
Because when we leave the church,
a few of the gun enthusiasts in my family
are gonna fire a 21-gun salute.
Hey, man.
Oh, look-- one got away.
Can't you guys just fire blanks?
At a wedding?
Yeah, that's romantic.
Ted!
What the hell are you doing in my room?!
Uh...
There was an explanation.
You see, after Marshall got off the phone with Lily,
he'd called me.
Hey, buddy. What's up?
Ted, listen, I need you to sneak into Lily's room,
find her phone, and delete the last text she got.
Why? What's...
Ted, I need you to do this
no questions asked.
And as we both know, you owe me a "No Questions Asked."
Hey.
Hey. Listen, I need you to do something for me
no questions asked, okay? What is it?
Meet me at the corner of 53rd and 8th.
Bring your drill.
Marshall.
What the hell?
How did you...
No...
questions... asked.
I broke federal law drilling you out of that mailbox.
Hey, I was a man in need.
I know. You were a "Priority Male."
You said you'd
stop doing that joke after the editor
of Bazooka Joe comics rejected it.
That man is a comedy snob.
The point is,
you owe me a "No Questions Asked."
Okay, okay! I'll delete the text.
Thank you.
I just have to figure out
how to get into Lily's room.
Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so...
The drainpipe! What?
There's a drainpipe that runs up near her window,
and, no big deal, I can totally climb it.
I'll call you when it's done.
Her door is unlock...
Uh...
Marshall wanted me to check on you.
He was worried that you might be scared
all alone in the ghost room.
Remind me to call you next time
Marvin has a nightmare-- you can calm him
by bursting into his room with a chain saw and a hockey mask!
Sorry, I didn't want to knock in case you were already asleep,
so I just climbed the drainpipe up to your window.
No big deal. Mm, opened the latch
with this here coat hanger.
I would have called, but, uh...
well, I didn't know if you'd have your phone handy.
Say, where is that old phone of yours?
Ted, I am not scared,
so why don't you head back to your room...
Oh...
kay...
Why, I guess you can stay until I fall asleep,
if it'll make you feel better?
A-And...
maybe if it'll make you feel even better,
you can sing me a version of Marvin's lullaby?
Okay.
? Night-night, little Lily
? No ifs, ands or buts
? No peg-legged ghost is waiting ?
? To hook out your guts.
Ted!
Sorry. Sorry.
Nighty-night.
Cold...
So cold.
Help me.
Help me...
Oh, God, the Hooker's here! Ted,
I am not gonna cheat on Robin.
But you're a hell of a best man for getting me one, buddy.
Where is she?
All right, I'll take a lap dance.
Can I borrow some sweatpants?
Barney, what are you doing in there?
Marshall asked me
to do something for him, no questions asked.
Sidebar-- I forgot to get my cousin David
something for his bar mitzvah last week.
Could you send the hooker to his room?
Wait, Marshall called you, too?
Turns out I wasn't Marshall's first call.
Can't you guys just fire blanks?
At a wedding?
Yeah, that's romantic.
I just wish I would've
known about the guns. Well,
I wish I'd known about the doves.
That's the problem with us-- we don't think
about checking in with the other person before doing something.
Honestly, I think
that's what broke us up the first time.
We're both... lone wolves--
always off in our own worlds.
That's not gonna work.
Not in a marriage, no.
What? Sorry, I was thinking about getting the doves
little Kevlar tuxedos, but that's not gonna work--
there's no time for a fitting.
Hey.
Listen, I need you to get to Lily's phone
without her seeing, and delete the last text she got.
Why? What did you...
And I need you to do it
no questions asked.
As you'll recall, you owe me a "No Questions Asked."
Hello?
Marshall, I need you to rush to the Macy's in Herald Square,
find the utility closet on the third floor,
and bring me the following things:
a clean pair of underwear, a clean pair of pants,
a box of moist towelettes, hand sanitizer,
and a garbage bag, no questions asked.
You deuced your pants.
Never mind.
Ha. You didn't wind up helping me, so it doesn't count.
Yes, I'm the one Face!
who should be embarrassed by that story.
But that wasn't the time I meant.
This was last fall.
Hey, I got here as fast as I could.
Are you okay? Yeah, fine.
Th-These quacks said I was...
unfit to leave on my own. Blah, blah, blah.
"Danger to myself." Blah, blah, blah.
"Whoever signs me out is legally responsible for my actions."
I just need you to sign me out.
What the hell happened?
Uh-uh!
I said no questions asked.
W...
Star, clover, horseshoe.
Barney, did you swallow real versions
of all the Lucky Charms items?
No... questions... asked.
Now come on. Let's hit the bar. I'm buying.
I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare.
Fine, I'll delete the text.
But how am I supposed to get into Lily's room?
Easy. The lock on her door is busted...
Air ducts! What?
I'll use the system of air ducts to get in her room,
just like the bad guy in Die Hard.
Barney, Bruce Willis is not the bad guy in Die H...
Not important. The point is, the door is not lock...
I'll call you when it's done.
Anyway, I was saying,
I think we need to be better about talking to each other
before doing stuff.
Can't talk. Doing stuff.
What is going on?
Barney, what are you doing in there?
Uh, well, there is a story there.
It involves a trained Guatemalan kinkajou,
a Bolshoi Ballet prima ballerina
and Olympic gold medalist Duke Kahanamoku's surfboard.
Tell her, Ted.
Uh...
uh...
The kinkajou...
the kinkajou...
Oh, God, what is it now?
Good evening, Ms. Aldrin.
I didn't order room service.
It says right here, room 13.
Lobster, caviar, champagne.
$400?!
I didn't order any of this.
Maybe Dearduff the Hooker ordered it.
Well, I'm not paying for room service the Hooker ordered!
- I've been there. - Okay,
you know what? I need to talk to the manager.
All right, where's that damn phone?
You, too?!
- Hey. - Robin,
I need you to delete the last text
that Lily got before she sees it.
Bro, it's my wedding weekend.
Just because you didn't know better
than to take a naked selfie
while you were in the coldest part of the country...
First, I'm an Eriksen.
Cold has a plumping effect.
Second, you owe me a "No Questions Asked."
All right, I'm-I'm at the alley near 22nd and 2nd. Now what?
No questions asked. Tell me about that giant trout
you and your dad caught ice-fishing that one time.
Well, it was more beast than trout.
Fought us for three hours and nearly dragged us both
into Lake Winnibigoshish.
It was this big, and...
Hey.
Run!
I never asked you who those weirdos were,
why they kept calling you Night Falcon
or even what was in those darts that they were blowing at us.
Your vision came back, didn't it?
Wuss.
Fine, I'll take care of it.
Just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Her door doesn't lock. You can just...
Room service!
Night Falcon, you're a genius.
I'll call you when it's done.
Why would he call
you guys before me? Well, dude,
you're not great in a crisis.
What was that story you were prattling on about?
What the hell is a kinkajou?
Okay, let's just find it before she gets back.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
You ordered it, so you have to pay for it.
Not to mention the room damage you're responsible for.
I've got a report here:
broken lock, faulty Wi-Fi,
you've taken several items from the minibar...
There is no minibar.
Stolen minibar.
It's not here.
Well, where else would it be?
Okay.
I think it's time I call my lawyer.
Uh-oh.
Okay, we need to get to Lily's phone before she sees that text.
I'm on it. Night Falcon is on it.
Good thing I packed my unitard.
This is exactly what we always do, isn't it?
Yeah.
We were both gonna bolt off and lone wolf it
without telling the other person a thing.
Why do we do that? I don't know.
Maybe we're just incapable of working as a unit.
You know...
I bet even lone wolves can learn to work together.
I'd like to think so.
They could build their little woodland den together.
Roam together.
Hunt together.
Lure prey into a tight corner and...
Snap its limbs with our powerful jaws
and watch the life drain from its eyes.
Aw...
Point is, we're gonna make a great team.
We'll just need some practice.
Yeah. Yeah, let's prove that we believe in marriage
by working together
to help Marshall hide something from his wife.
First, we take position in the lobby.
Then you cause a distraction.
Then you send in a trained dove to grab Lily's phone.
The dove drops the phone into your hand.
You delete the text
and toss it back on the counter.
Wait.
It's absolutely insane...
...how foolproof this plan is!
Sometimes it's best to just go simple.
Yep.
Wh-Why do you have a gun?
Why do you always have a gun?
Where's Lily?
She went up 20 minutes ago.
You're kidding.
Courtney Dove, no!
I already lost Kurt Coo-bain!
I can't lose you as well.
Great. How are we gonna get Lily's phone back now?
Oh, I already took care of that.
And now I'm rewarding myself
with some of the inn's finest brandy.
Bottoms up.
Well, thank you.
No, no, that's a warning.
The dove's about to...
What happened?
Well...
I think it's time I call my lawyer.
Hi, baby.
You are never gonna believe this, but...
Uh, someone sent me a text.
Lily, stop!
Why?
Because...
because...
And that's when I realized
that the answer had been there all along.
Throw your phone on the ground and smash it with your foot.
What? No. I need you
to do this no questions asked.
You owe me a "No Questions Asked."
Hey, Lil. What's... Ted, I need you
to come to my classroom right now
with two dozen cupcakes and a box cutter.
No questions asked.
Lily, I brought the...
Oh-oh, my God.
Ted,
put the cupcakes at the feet of their leader,
then cut me loose.
Don't make eye contact!
Ted...
No... questions... asked.
Well, interesting that I was the one who fixed everything
even though Marshall called me...
- third. - Ninth,
as I found out later, but I won't go into it.
The important thing is what happened
right after the untimely death of Lily's phone.
So you're saying you didn't order room service
and you didn't order Prison Sluts Nine?
I am saying I did not order room service.
It is done. By me.
Your third call.
Actually, you were...
Thank you. H-How did you do it?
I called in a "No Questions Asked" with Lily.
But, wait, why didn't you do that?
You must have, like, a million of those.
And Marshall thought back.
Hello?
Hey, baby, it's me.
Um, can you come bail me out of jail?
I thought I saw Bigfoot in Central Park
and so I tackled him,
but it turned out to be Russell Brand.
Hey...
Oh, do you mind looking up our vaccination records?
I tried to hug a raccoon.
Hey, babe, um,
could you dig up our warranty?
I took the TV apart, and I made
a robot out of it.
Hello?
Hey.
I tackled Russell Brand again.
I've never asked Lily to do anything no questions asked
because...
I've never wanted to.
She's the love of my life.
I never keep anything from her.
Ted, put Lily on the phone.
Hey. It's Marshall.
Want to tell me what's going on?
Yes.
I was offered a judgeship in New York.
And I took it.
Even though we already agreed to move to Rome.
I'm gonna be a judge.
Lily?
You know, Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts,
and I'm not sure anyone died in our room,
but someone's going to.
"And I see in your eyes the emerald reefs
"of the primordial seas afroth
"with the first stirrings of life,
"infinite in mystery and miracle.
"Forever yours,
"the guy you met at the drugstore an hour ago.
"I heard you give your address to the pharmacist
while I was buying foot powder."
Yeah.
Mailed it.
No! No! No, no!
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man