1
00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:03,337
Marshall and Marvin
were taking the bus

2
00:00:03,339 --> 00:00:06,039
on their way to Long Island
to meet up with us.

3
00:00:06,041 --> 00:00:07,424
There, there,
little Marvin.

4
00:00:07,426 --> 00:00:09,126
Let no more
tears fall.

5
00:00:09,128 --> 00:00:12,679
We're gonna see Mommy
in no time at all.

6
00:00:12,681 --> 00:00:14,882
Hello there. I'm sorry
for all of the noise.

7
00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:17,267
It's been a long day
for the Eriksen boys.

8
00:00:17,269 --> 00:00:19,353
Uh... what's with the rhyming?

9
00:00:19,355 --> 00:00:20,554
I'm glad that you ask.

10
00:00:20,556 --> 00:00:23,506
To get my son
sleeping is no easy task.

11
00:00:23,508 --> 00:00:26,059
A few weeks ago,
the job fell to my wife.

12
00:00:26,061 --> 00:00:28,529
And as the poor baby cried out
for dear life,

13
00:00:28,531 --> 00:00:31,698
she read every book,
but all were no use

14
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:35,035
until she arrived
at a mother named Goose.

15
00:00:35,037 --> 00:00:36,987
- Why, Marvin...
- She noted.

16
00:00:36,989 --> 00:00:38,822
...these rhymes
make you tired!

17
00:00:38,824 --> 00:00:40,857
And ever since then,
all young Marvin's required

18
00:00:40,859 --> 00:00:43,360
is one book of rhymes,
and to dream land he goes.

19
00:00:43,362 --> 00:00:44,828
Now, what shall we read?

20
00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:47,414
Oh, crap, I left
his book in the car!

21
00:00:49,201 --> 00:00:50,467
That blows.

22
00:00:52,573 --> 00:00:56,573
? How I Met Your Mother 9x11?
Bedtime Stories
Original Air Date on November 25, 2013

23
00:00:56,598 --> 00:01:01,598
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

24
00:01:05,183 --> 00:01:06,817
Oh, no, what a bummer!

25
00:01:06,819 --> 00:01:08,485
What craptastic luck!

26
00:01:08,487 --> 00:01:10,771
Without Marvin's rhyme book,
this ride's gonna suck!

27
00:01:10,773 --> 00:01:12,823
Does anyone here have
some poetry maybe?

28
00:01:12,825 --> 00:01:14,107
Or any advice?
Yeah!

29
00:01:14,109 --> 00:01:15,659
Don't have a baby!

30
00:01:17,613 --> 00:01:19,496
I guess if I don't want
young Marvin to wake up,

31
00:01:19,498 --> 00:01:22,399
the rhymes will just have
to be ones that I make up.

32
00:01:22,401 --> 00:01:25,568
I'll whip up some poetry
in seconds flat!

33
00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:31,375
Oh, I know!

34
00:01:31,377 --> 00:01:34,011
This story's called
Mosby at the Bat!

35
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,935
The outlook wasn't brilliant
for poor Ted's romantic life.

36
00:01:41,937 --> 00:01:45,755
He was deep into his thirties,
and yet, still he had no wife.

37
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,590
But then, one day
whilst grading papers,

38
00:01:47,592 --> 00:01:49,142
life sent him a whammy.

39
00:01:49,144 --> 00:01:51,111
A physics prof named Lisa

40
00:01:51,113 --> 00:01:52,529
who'd just moved here
from Miami.

41
00:01:52,531 --> 00:01:53,530
Professor?

42
00:01:53,532 --> 00:01:55,432
She asked timidly.
He answered:

43
00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:56,950
Call me Ted.
Oh.

44
00:01:56,952 --> 00:01:58,268
I don't want to bother you.

45
00:01:58,270 --> 00:01:59,870
Please, have a seat.
He said.

46
00:01:59,872 --> 00:02:03,290
I'm fairly new to teaching,
and I'm looking for advice.

47
00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:06,576
Every night I practice giving
lectures, sometimes twice.

48
00:02:06,578 --> 00:02:07,744
But when I teach

49
00:02:07,746 --> 00:02:10,914
magnetic force,
I just see eyeballs glazing.

50
00:02:10,916 --> 00:02:16,420
I asked around, and people say
your lectures are amazing.

51
00:02:16,422 --> 00:02:17,754
Which is really
saying something,

52
00:02:17,756 --> 00:02:19,956
because, architecture? Yawn.

53
00:02:19,958 --> 00:02:21,642
And Ted thought...

54
00:02:21,644 --> 00:02:23,960
Psh, yeah, 'cause physics
is so interesting.

55
00:02:23,962 --> 00:02:25,479
Go on.

56
00:02:25,481 --> 00:02:27,130
It's just
that you're so skilled,

57
00:02:27,132 --> 00:02:29,016
and I'm a relative beginner.

58
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:32,802
If it isn't too much trouble,
can I take you out to dinner?

59
00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:36,523
I'd love to get some pointers,
and I shouldn't keep you late.

60
00:02:36,525 --> 00:02:37,974
What do you say?

61
00:02:37,976 --> 00:02:39,526
What do I say?

62
00:02:39,528 --> 00:02:41,161
Teddy Westside's
got a date!

63
00:02:41,163 --> 00:02:43,313
- Hooray!
- We cheered.

64
00:02:43,315 --> 00:02:44,331
Ted's off the bench!

65
00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:45,699
Our boy's back in the game!

66
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:47,334
Thank God, it's been
a hundred years

67
00:02:47,336 --> 00:02:48,535
since Mosby scored a dame.

68
00:02:48,537 --> 00:02:50,420
The last time he saw
boobies was

69
00:02:50,422 --> 00:02:51,838
the screen-test
scene in Fame.

70
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,290
The last girl he dated,

71
00:02:53,292 --> 00:02:55,158
I think "Righty" was her name.

72
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,010
Hold it.
Let's not all go crazy

73
00:02:57,012 --> 00:02:58,712
like some wild berzerkers.

74
00:02:58,714 --> 00:03:01,381
What if this is just a business
meal between co-workers?

75
00:03:01,383 --> 00:03:03,500
Ted thought back
on past failed dates.

76
00:03:03,502 --> 00:03:05,602
Oh, God, that
could be true.

77
00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:08,805
How many times have I come
home to find my balls are blue?

78
00:03:08,807 --> 00:03:12,175
It all depends where Ted and
his new fetching young Floridian

79
00:03:12,177 --> 00:03:14,844
are standing in relation
to that puzzling meridian

80
00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:17,147
called
"The International Date Line."

81
00:03:17,149 --> 00:03:18,515
That's right, new theory.

82
00:03:18,517 --> 00:03:20,517
"What's that," you ask?
Nobody did.

83
00:03:20,519 --> 00:03:23,120
I'll now address your query!
The date line

84
00:03:23,122 --> 00:03:26,206
is the border betwixt happiness
and sorrow.

85
00:03:26,208 --> 00:03:28,525
On this side,
you go home tonight.

86
00:03:28,527 --> 00:03:31,361
On this side, home tomorrow.

87
00:03:31,363 --> 00:03:34,831
And then, as Barney made some
gestures that were rather rude,

88
00:03:34,833 --> 00:03:38,085
Ted left to go meet Lisa,
in a rather puzzled mood.

89
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:39,803
Was this a date?

90
00:03:39,805 --> 00:03:41,722
He simply couldn't tell
how he was faring.

91
00:03:41,724 --> 00:03:42,923
Then Lisa showed up.

92
00:03:42,925 --> 00:03:46,426
Ted rejoiced to see
what she was wearing.

93
00:03:46,428 --> 00:03:47,928
For girls at business dinners

94
00:03:47,930 --> 00:03:50,046
don't have necklines
that revealing!

95
00:03:54,185 --> 00:03:57,354
But then a friendly handshake
gave poor Ted

96
00:03:57,356 --> 00:03:59,222
a sinking feeling.

97
00:04:03,394 --> 00:04:04,694
And so, the night wore on.

98
00:04:04,696 --> 00:04:07,197
And back and forth,
the globe rotated.

99
00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:10,917
But still, Ted's curiosity was
never fully sated.

100
00:04:10,919 --> 00:04:12,369
How long could this continue?

101
00:04:12,371 --> 00:04:14,204
He was truly fortune's pawn.

102
00:04:14,206 --> 00:04:16,239
Then Lisa saw the TV.

103
00:04:16,241 --> 00:04:17,674
Hey, the Yankees game is on!

104
00:04:17,676 --> 00:04:19,509
Of baseball...
Ted observed...

105
00:04:19,511 --> 00:04:22,295
...you seem to have some
firsthand knowledge.

106
00:04:22,297 --> 00:04:24,181
To which the lady shrugged
and said...

107
00:04:24,183 --> 00:04:25,766
I played softball in college.

108
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,420
Now the age-old softball
stereotype's just that,

109
00:04:30,422 --> 00:04:31,855
and nothing more.

110
00:04:31,857 --> 00:04:33,557
Yeah!
But as the Yankees got a run,

111
00:04:33,559 --> 00:04:35,642
Ted feared he wouldn't score.

112
00:04:35,644 --> 00:04:37,444
For while the date side
of the line's

113
00:04:37,446 --> 00:04:39,613
the one we all might guess
he's in,

114
00:04:39,615 --> 00:04:42,449
there'll be no joy in Tedville
if our Lisa is a...

115
00:04:42,451 --> 00:04:44,034
Yes! We win!

116
00:04:44,036 --> 00:04:46,403
Then Lisa took a drink
and said...

117
00:04:46,405 --> 00:04:48,405
This may sound kind of random,

118
00:04:48,407 --> 00:04:51,241
but there actually is a reason
for my rabid Yankee fandom.

119
00:04:51,243 --> 00:04:52,993
I guess I'll just be
honest here,

120
00:04:52,995 --> 00:04:55,045
though crazy it may seem.

121
00:04:55,047 --> 00:04:59,216
My first week in New York,
I dated someone on the team.

122
00:04:59,218 --> 00:05:00,300
Which player?

123
00:05:00,302 --> 00:05:01,951
I'm not saying.
Please?

124
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:03,303
What are you, a reporter?

125
00:05:03,305 --> 00:05:04,671
Ted's mind began to race.

126
00:05:04,673 --> 00:05:06,473
The waiter came
to take their order.

127
00:05:06,475 --> 00:05:07,790
As Lisa said...

128
00:05:07,792 --> 00:05:09,893
I might like
the spaghetti marinara.

129
00:05:09,895 --> 00:05:11,344
Poor Ted just wondered
silently...

130
00:05:11,346 --> 00:05:13,780
Mariano Rivera?

131
00:05:13,782 --> 00:05:15,098
And as she said...

132
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,133
I read this place has great
chicken Milano.

133
00:05:17,135 --> 00:05:19,352
- All Ted could bring himself-

134
00:05:19,354 --> 00:05:21,438
Alfonso Soriano?

135
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,039
I want something hearty.

136
00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:25,158
How about blackened miso cod?

137
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,443
Is it Joe Girardi?

138
00:05:26,445 --> 00:05:28,812
Holy crap, is it A-Rod?!

139
00:05:28,814 --> 00:05:30,413
Okay, Ted, calm down.

140
00:05:30,415 --> 00:05:32,115
You've got
to get yourself together.

141
00:05:32,117 --> 00:05:33,667
Just smile, be charming,

142
00:05:33,669 --> 00:05:36,036
ooze charisma,
talk about the weather.

143
00:05:36,038 --> 00:05:37,320
For this might be a date,

144
00:05:37,322 --> 00:05:39,539
which means there might be
hanky-panky.

145
00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:42,926
So, dude, be cool, relax,
don't even...

146
00:05:42,928 --> 00:05:44,845
Just tell me which Yankee!

147
00:05:46,230 --> 00:05:48,431
I'd rather not
discuss this here.

148
00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:50,183
But then again, I'd hate...

149
00:05:50,185 --> 00:05:53,353
to let a silly secret ruin
such a lovely date.

150
00:05:53,355 --> 00:05:54,721
If there's

151
00:05:54,723 --> 00:05:55,939
an elephant in the room,

152
00:05:55,941 --> 00:05:57,140
why don't we just remove it?

153
00:05:57,142 --> 00:05:58,475
I dated Derek Jeter.

154
00:05:58,477 --> 00:05:59,842
Here's a picture
that'll prove it.

155
00:05:59,844 --> 00:06:02,062
As Ted looked
at that cell phone pic,

156
00:06:02,064 --> 00:06:03,980
there were two things
he reckoned.

157
00:06:03,982 --> 00:06:05,848
This definitely was a date,

158
00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:08,618
but there wouldn't be a second.

159
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,670
See? It worked.

160
00:06:10,672 --> 00:06:12,873
I said some rhymes,
and out my boy did conk.

161
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,242
Now let's enjoy the ride.

162
00:06:16,161 --> 00:06:18,078
Move, jackass!

163
00:06:21,349 --> 00:06:24,953
Okay, I need a brand-new tale
to silence Marvin's chatter.

164
00:06:24,954 --> 00:06:27,955
I don't know, that last one had
some sketchy subject matter.

165
00:06:27,957 --> 00:06:31,025
Forgive me, but before you got
here, did you smoke a joint?

166
00:06:31,027 --> 00:06:33,294
You don't tell kids a tale
that crass!

167
00:06:33,296 --> 00:06:34,812
I guess he had a point.

168
00:06:34,814 --> 00:06:37,064
I know, I said some things
that were,

169
00:06:37,066 --> 00:06:39,200
as you say,
kind of questionable.

170
00:06:39,202 --> 00:06:41,252
The truth is,
children Marvin's age

171
00:06:41,254 --> 00:06:43,087
aren't really
that impressionable.

172
00:06:43,089 --> 00:06:45,623
Do you remember anything
from when you were this small?

173
00:06:45,625 --> 00:06:48,726
Pumpkin picking at age three is
the first thing I recall.

174
00:06:48,728 --> 00:06:50,094
Hmm.
Huh.

175
00:06:50,096 --> 00:06:51,479
He won't remember this.
I guess it's true.

176
00:06:51,481 --> 00:06:52,713
It better be.

177
00:06:52,715 --> 00:06:53,898
Or else we'll end up paying

178
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:55,382
through the nose
for Marvin's therapy.

179
00:06:55,384 --> 00:06:58,319
Okay, buddy, nice chat,
but I think I need a break.

180
00:06:58,321 --> 00:06:59,220
Great idea.

181
00:06:59,222 --> 00:07:01,272
After this story!

182
00:07:01,274 --> 00:07:03,224
Robin Takes the Cake.

183
00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:10,198
Once in an East Side bakery,

184
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,334
your debonair Aunt Robin was
making other customers think,

185
00:07:13,336 --> 00:07:15,286
"Geez, who let this slob in?"

186
00:07:15,288 --> 00:07:18,539
She didn't care about their
stares, or who was looking on.

187
00:07:18,541 --> 00:07:19,907
She'd just broke up with...

188
00:07:19,909 --> 00:07:21,092
Kevin.

189
00:07:21,094 --> 00:07:23,845
No, Gael. Or Scooby?

190
00:07:24,963 --> 00:07:26,580
Don?

191
00:07:27,249 --> 00:07:28,466
Now, sometimes,

192
00:07:28,468 --> 00:07:29,634
when it rains it pours,

193
00:07:29,636 --> 00:07:30,885
and sometimes,
it starts snowing,

194
00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:33,420
for as cream filling
hit her shirt...

195
00:07:33,422 --> 00:07:34,939
Hey, Robin, how's it going?

196
00:07:34,941 --> 00:07:36,774
'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend

197
00:07:36,776 --> 00:07:39,143
from her younger days
in Canada,

198
00:07:39,145 --> 00:07:40,928
but now, he looked
quite different...

199
00:07:40,930 --> 00:07:43,397
Um...

200
00:07:43,399 --> 00:07:44,782
Rhyme.

201
00:07:44,784 --> 00:07:47,434
Uh... thinking. Uh...

202
00:07:47,436 --> 00:07:49,770
I've just been handed
a news flash.

203
00:07:49,772 --> 00:07:51,539
The word "Canada"
is unrhymeable.

204
00:07:51,541 --> 00:07:52,940
It's easier to--
I don't know--

205
00:07:52,942 --> 00:07:54,876
get drunk and try
to climb a bull.

206
00:07:54,878 --> 00:07:57,295
But Canada, damn it,
ask any man on the planet

207
00:07:57,297 --> 00:07:58,629
and watch
their stammerin' stamina

208
00:07:58,631 --> 00:08:01,499
as they clamor and cram it
into the middle of a sentence

209
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:02,833
for a shot at repentance,

210
00:08:02,835 --> 00:08:05,253
pass the problem on to all
their non-rhyming descendants.

211
00:08:05,255 --> 00:08:07,638
I've never met anyone who could
clean up after Canada.

212
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,423
Except my Uncle Tony
from the Bronx.

213
00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:10,558
He's a janitor.

214
00:08:14,396 --> 00:08:17,515
Show-off.

215
00:08:17,517 --> 00:08:19,317
Simon. Nice to see you.

216
00:08:19,319 --> 00:08:21,402
So, what brings you to New York?

217
00:08:21,404 --> 00:08:22,937
I live here now.
What? Really?

218
00:08:22,939 --> 00:08:24,488
Yeah.
That's great.

219
00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:25,940
Can I get a fork?

220
00:08:25,942 --> 00:08:27,358
He'd always been a deadbeat

221
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,110
and your classic hoser phony,

222
00:08:29,112 --> 00:08:32,029
but seeing Simon all cleaned up
hit Robin like a Zamboni.

223
00:08:32,031 --> 00:08:34,282
And as she looked him
up and down,

224
00:08:34,284 --> 00:08:35,750
young Robin felt a tingle.

225
00:08:35,752 --> 00:08:37,618
Had Simon blossomed finally?

226
00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:39,587
And if so, was he single?

227
00:08:39,589 --> 00:08:40,955
So great.

228
00:08:40,957 --> 00:08:43,374
She purred, whilst batting
her eyelashes like a flooze.

229
00:08:43,376 --> 00:08:45,659
Yup, I'm engaged
to Louise Marsh,

230
00:08:45,661 --> 00:08:47,428
and our pad's got a Jacuzz!

231
00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:49,663
The bakery spinned,
the floor dropped out.

232
00:08:49,665 --> 00:08:51,382
The air was thick as syrup.

233
00:08:51,384 --> 00:08:53,467
Poor Robin swooned,
she couldn't breathe,

234
00:08:53,469 --> 00:08:55,102
her eyes began to tear up.

235
00:08:55,104 --> 00:08:57,171
And as she tried
to stammer some excuse

236
00:08:57,173 --> 00:08:58,973
to get away, Simon said:

237
00:08:58,975 --> 00:09:01,225
Our wedding cake is
pretty bitchin', eh?

238
00:09:01,227 --> 00:09:04,729
And so was born the worst idea
poor Robin's ever had.

239
00:09:04,731 --> 00:09:07,281
And on Ted's door
there came a rapping.

240
00:09:07,283 --> 00:09:09,350
I did something bad.

241
00:09:09,352 --> 00:09:10,901
As Robin told her tale,

242
00:09:10,903 --> 00:09:13,070
Ted knew
she'd made a massive boo-boo.

243
00:09:13,072 --> 00:09:17,375
For stealing someone's wedding
cake is terribly bad juju.

244
00:09:17,377 --> 00:09:19,877
Robin, I'm beside myself
to see what you've become!

245
00:09:19,879 --> 00:09:21,829
You must return
this cake at once!

246
00:09:21,831 --> 00:09:22,830
I can't!
Why not?

247
00:09:22,832 --> 00:09:24,131
'Cause...

248
00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:25,549
Yum.

249
00:09:25,551 --> 00:09:29,804
Ted gasped, for he had never
seen a brazen act so vicious.

250
00:09:29,806 --> 00:09:31,639
Robin felt remorse, and yet...

251
00:09:31,641 --> 00:09:33,674
Oh, God, this is delicious!

252
00:09:33,676 --> 00:09:37,428
So one piece led to two,
then three, then five, then 17.

253
00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:41,548
She savaged that poor cake
like some rapacious wolverine.

254
00:09:41,550 --> 00:09:44,551
Eating, gobbling, munching,
so the frenzied night wore on.

255
00:09:44,553 --> 00:09:46,354
And by the time
your mom arrived,

256
00:09:46,356 --> 00:09:48,322
the cake was halfway gone.

257
00:09:48,324 --> 00:09:50,074
I came as soon as I got word.

258
00:09:50,076 --> 00:09:51,909
So how bad is the damage?

259
00:09:51,911 --> 00:09:56,113
See for yourself the product
of her cake-in-gullet crammage!

260
00:09:56,115 --> 00:09:57,448
Half a cake?

261
00:09:57,450 --> 00:09:58,849
What have I done?!

262
00:09:58,851 --> 00:10:00,951
The world shall not forgive it!

263
00:10:00,953 --> 00:10:02,703
This day will live in infamy.

264
00:10:02,705 --> 00:10:04,905
I never shall outlive it!

265
00:10:04,907 --> 00:10:06,540
For I have become

266
00:10:06,542 --> 00:10:09,577
the girl that eats her feelings,
don't mistake it.

267
00:10:09,579 --> 00:10:12,763
I think I need to get out
of this chair before I break it.

268
00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:15,516
Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash!

269
00:10:15,518 --> 00:10:17,101
Said Mommy, with great fervor.

270
00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:19,920
You can't stop now,
for don't you see?

271
00:10:19,922 --> 00:10:23,757
To the uninformed observer,
you're not some sad cliché,

272
00:10:23,759 --> 00:10:26,977
some loser
from a chick-lit story.

273
00:10:26,979 --> 00:10:30,698
You're Robin, and you're half
a wedding cake away from glory!

274
00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,600
If you quit now,
then Simon wins,

275
00:10:33,602 --> 00:10:35,602
the tale comes to a stop

276
00:10:35,604 --> 00:10:38,072
at how you saw
an ex, freaked out,

277
00:10:38,074 --> 00:10:39,790
and robbed a pastry shop.

278
00:10:39,792 --> 00:10:42,410
If you have the guts, my dear,

279
00:10:42,412 --> 00:10:44,628
it's time to get empowered

280
00:10:44,630 --> 00:10:46,797
and be remembered for this

281
00:10:46,799 --> 00:10:49,467
sweet behemoth you devoured.

282
00:10:49,469 --> 00:10:50,718
And years from now,

283
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,671
the troubadour will
raise his voice and sing

284
00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:56,474
of the time that Robin
took the cake.

285
00:10:56,476 --> 00:10:58,509
And ate the whole...

286
00:10:58,511 --> 00:10:59,760
damned...

287
00:10:59,762 --> 00:11:01,095
thing.

288
00:11:01,097 --> 00:11:03,814
Once more into the breach
she surged,

289
00:11:03,816 --> 00:11:05,466
as Ted and Mommy cheered

290
00:11:05,468 --> 00:11:09,153
and bite by bite the towering
confection disappeared.

291
00:11:09,155 --> 00:11:11,105
Some friends were called
to come and watch.

292
00:11:11,107 --> 00:11:12,690
And no one had to beg.

293
00:11:12,692 --> 00:11:13,974
It soon became a party.

294
00:11:13,976 --> 00:11:15,910
Barney even got a keg.

295
00:11:15,912 --> 00:11:18,996
Forkful after forkful,
Robin guzzled French vanilla

296
00:11:18,998 --> 00:11:21,482
making noises not unlike those
made by a gorilla.

297
00:11:21,484 --> 00:11:23,284
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Come on, Robin, finish it.

298
00:11:23,286 --> 00:11:26,003
- Yeah.
- Mom's exhortations rang

299
00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:29,656
like Apollo coaching Rocky
'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang.

300
00:11:29,658 --> 00:11:31,292
Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite.

301
00:11:31,294 --> 00:11:32,960
No, no, IV is with the Russians.

302
00:11:32,962 --> 00:11:34,828
No, IV's the one
where he talks weird

303
00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:36,347
because of his
concussions.

304
00:11:36,349 --> 00:11:37,798
I think that's all of them.
Hey now,

305
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,551
no need to be discordant.
It's Rocky IV.

306
00:11:40,553 --> 00:11:42,269
No, III.
No, II.

307
00:11:42,271 --> 00:11:44,138
It's really
not important.

308
00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:48,025
At last young Robin raised
the final bite up to her lips

309
00:11:48,027 --> 00:11:49,343
the crowd grew still.

310
00:11:49,345 --> 00:11:51,362
The only sound was Barney

311
00:11:51,364 --> 00:11:53,147
eating chips.

312
00:11:54,783 --> 00:11:56,484
Just one bite left.

313
00:11:56,486 --> 00:11:59,520
Hey, this is like that scene
from Cool Hand Luke. You know,

314
00:11:59,522 --> 00:12:01,405
"My boy can eat 50 eggs " Right?

315
00:12:01,407 --> 00:12:03,374
She's gonna puke.

316
00:12:04,242 --> 00:12:05,543
But Robin did not puke.

317
00:12:05,545 --> 00:12:07,795
She ate that bite
and stood up, proud.

318
00:12:11,050 --> 00:12:13,467
Wait. I'm not done yet.

319
00:12:13,469 --> 00:12:15,219
She shouted,
to the startled crowd.

320
00:12:15,221 --> 00:12:17,138
I've bested
this here wedding cake.

321
00:12:17,140 --> 00:12:18,839
I'll gladly wear that crown.

322
00:12:18,841 --> 00:12:20,007
But now that I have

323
00:12:20,009 --> 00:12:22,393
done that task it's time
to wash it down.

324
00:12:22,395 --> 00:12:24,645
For it's been such
an awesome night,

325
00:12:24,647 --> 00:12:27,148
there's just one way
to cap it.

326
00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:29,517
I'm going to drink
this entire keg.

327
00:12:30,819 --> 00:12:32,520
Okay, Barney, tap it.

328
00:12:32,522 --> 00:12:33,838
Oh!
Wow.

329
00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:37,525
Hup.
Ho-o, oh.

330
00:12:37,527 --> 00:12:40,945
And now that night's remembered
not for Robin getting dumped

331
00:12:40,947 --> 00:12:44,365
but as the night we took her
in to get her stomach pumped.

332
00:12:45,033 --> 00:12:46,417
And look at that,

333
00:12:46,419 --> 00:12:48,902
the little angel's
sleeping soundly, Gus.

334
00:12:48,904 --> 00:12:50,538
Looks like our problems...

335
00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:51,539
Pick a lane!

336
00:12:52,758 --> 00:12:56,243
I hate this
stupid bus.

337
00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:01,596
Marvin, I'm afraid
this night is not much of a winner.

338
00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:03,463
Stuck in traffic,
now we've missed

339
00:13:03,465 --> 00:13:05,398
the whole rehearsal dinner.

340
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,335
I pray that I was right
and that you'll have no memory

341
00:13:08,337 --> 00:13:11,488
of this godforsaken ride
down the congested LIE.

342
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,723
At least we know
one thing for sure:

343
00:13:13,725 --> 00:13:15,358
things can't get worse, I swear.

344
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,861
Adios, truck stop
burrito. Ooh!

345
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,579
Do not go in there.

346
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:23,700
Okay, one more story,
and I'll try to tell it pretty.

347
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:25,702
The tale of Barney Stinson,

348
00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:28,171
Player King of New York City.

349
00:13:33,261 --> 00:13:36,213
Once upon a time, we all
went out to get our drink on.

350
00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:38,081
When who should
walk in but a girl

351
00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:40,417
with sweater tight and pink on.

352
00:13:40,419 --> 00:13:41,501
She ordered up a beer.

353
00:13:41,503 --> 00:13:43,303
I think you see where
this is going.

354
00:13:43,305 --> 00:13:45,605
As Barney put it,
oh so eloquently:

355
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,340
Boy-oy-oy-oing.

356
00:13:47,342 --> 00:13:51,010
He rose to go approach this
girl commanding such intrigue

357
00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:52,362
when Mommy interrupted:

358
00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:54,447
Dude, she's way
out of your league.

359
00:13:54,449 --> 00:13:58,368
She's not in Daisy Dukes,
nor squeezed into a Hooters tee.

360
00:13:58,370 --> 00:14:00,353
And I don't see a
Curves membership

361
00:14:00,355 --> 00:14:01,821
dangling from
her key.

362
00:14:01,823 --> 00:14:02,855
She has no glaring

363
00:14:02,857 --> 00:14:06,359
spray tan, no
unicorn tattoos.

364
00:14:06,361 --> 00:14:10,530
She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding
cherry-flavored booze.

365
00:14:10,532 --> 00:14:11,715
Her makeup
isn't running,

366
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,533
she's not playing
with her hair.

367
00:14:13,535 --> 00:14:16,703
There's very little chance
she'll let you put it anywhere.

368
00:14:16,705 --> 00:14:18,922
Your challenge is accepted, Lil.

369
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,974
There is no girl too pretty,

370
00:14:20,976 --> 00:14:22,709
for I am Barney Stinson,

371
00:14:22,711 --> 00:14:25,145
Player King of New York City.

372
00:14:25,147 --> 00:14:27,514
You can't anoint
yourself the king,

373
00:14:27,516 --> 00:14:29,482
just like that jerk, LeBron.

374
00:14:29,484 --> 00:14:31,685
He left the Cavs
three years ago.

375
00:14:31,687 --> 00:14:33,436
Bro, give it
up, move on.

376
00:14:33,438 --> 00:14:34,437
So why

377
00:14:34,439 --> 00:14:35,939
am I king?
Glad you asked.

378
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:36,990
We didn't.
Never do.

379
00:14:36,992 --> 00:14:38,858
It's origin
story time.

380
00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:41,561
And trust me,
every word is true.

381
00:14:41,563 --> 00:14:45,064
One morning long ago,
I woke up next to a conquest.

382
00:14:45,066 --> 00:14:47,334
So many great things
'bout this girl: her boobs,

383
00:14:47,336 --> 00:14:50,069
her rack, her chest.

384
00:14:50,071 --> 00:14:51,621
She had a thirst for action,

385
00:14:51,623 --> 00:14:53,790
and young Barney
was a-quenchin' it.

386
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,175
Is this important
to the story?

387
00:14:55,177 --> 00:14:56,960
No, just thought
I'd mention it.

388
00:14:56,962 --> 00:15:00,213
As I departed, having bid
this busty babe buh-bye,

389
00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:02,349
I stopped and looked around,
and wondered:

390
00:15:02,351 --> 00:15:03,683
Where the hell am I?

391
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,186
The sign read 22nd Street,
and my concern decreased

392
00:15:06,188 --> 00:15:09,422
until a cold wind
blew a branch aside,

393
00:15:09,424 --> 00:15:10,724
revealing: "East."

394
00:15:10,726 --> 00:15:13,193
The East Side. No.

395
00:15:13,195 --> 00:15:14,427
Wh-What have I done?

396
00:15:14,429 --> 00:15:15,862
I stammered with chagrin.

397
00:15:15,864 --> 00:15:17,614
Just then a black sedan
pulled up...

398
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,316
You Barney?
Yeah.

399
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:20,867
Get in.

400
00:15:20,869 --> 00:15:22,118
Is any of this true?

401
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,238
Of course. Now,
hang on to your "chayers."

402
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,707
For that day
I was called before...

403
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:30,293
the High Council of Players.

404
00:15:30,295 --> 00:15:33,713
Gentlemen, for your attendance
here, our deepest thanks.

405
00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:38,001
I'm sad to say, this council
has a poacher in its ranks.

406
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,452
For Barney here

407
00:15:39,454 --> 00:15:41,721
picked up a girl
outside his territory.

408
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:42,722
The East Side

409
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:44,391
is Tuxedo Charlie's turf.

410
00:15:44,393 --> 00:15:45,475
He's mad.

411
00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:46,876
True story.

412
00:15:46,878 --> 00:15:50,463
The Agreement of 2004
quite clearly did define

413
00:15:50,465 --> 00:15:53,533
Fifth Avenue to be our hunting
grounds' dividing line.

414
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:57,988
Your West Side college girls are
not the slip I park my boat in.

415
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,306
So you should know

416
00:15:59,308 --> 00:16:03,209
my East Side debutantes
are quite verboten.

417
00:16:03,211 --> 00:16:05,362
Members
of the council...

418
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:08,147
Bros... nobody wants a war.

419
00:16:08,149 --> 00:16:11,284
Of course I've not
forgotten the agreement of '04.

420
00:16:11,286 --> 00:16:13,086
What can I say? A bonehead move.

421
00:16:13,088 --> 00:16:14,771
Defend it?
I'm not able.

422
00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:17,257
But, bros, have I not been a bro

423
00:16:17,259 --> 00:16:18,842
to each bro at this table?

424
00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:21,094
My friend from Brooklyn,
Pickle Jar Bob,

425
00:16:21,096 --> 00:16:22,846
will give some validation.

426
00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:24,080
Remember that
young tourist

427
00:16:24,082 --> 00:16:26,666
who was looking
for Penn Station?

428
00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:29,386
She'd just come in from Boston,
had a wicked good-in-bed look.

429
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:33,440
I gave her bad directions
and she ended up in Red Hook.

430
00:16:33,442 --> 00:16:35,392
Shut up, Barney.
Whoa, Bronx Donnie,

431
00:16:35,394 --> 00:16:37,110
let's not get excited.

432
00:16:37,112 --> 00:16:40,347
Tuxedo Charlie's not the only
one here who's been slighted.

433
00:16:40,349 --> 00:16:43,917
You told her you were Jeter
in your quest to lie upon her.

434
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:46,403
Impersonating Yankees
is my thing.

435
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:48,071
Have you no honor?

436
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:50,123
Gentlemen, please,
let's not blow

437
00:16:50,125 --> 00:16:52,075
this détente
to smithereens.

438
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:54,360
Council recognizes Captain Bill,

439
00:16:54,362 --> 00:16:55,829
our bro from Queens.

440
00:16:55,831 --> 00:16:57,029
Thank you.

441
00:16:57,031 --> 00:16:58,214
You all know me,

442
00:16:58,216 --> 00:16:59,899
and you all
respect my game.

443
00:17:01,001 --> 00:17:03,386
I dress up like a pilot
and meet girls in baggage claim.

444
00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:06,673
And on my long-ass subway ride
from 61st and Woodside,

445
00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:09,759
I came up with a plan to keep you
each other's good side.

446
00:17:09,761 --> 00:17:12,312
Barney,
you have wronged these two.

447
00:17:12,314 --> 00:17:13,646
So, for the game

448
00:17:13,648 --> 00:17:15,882
they're losing,
you now must grant them each

449
00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:18,401
a West Side hottie
of their choosing.

450
00:17:18,403 --> 00:17:19,469
You're kidding.

451
00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:20,904
That's the settlement?

452
00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,839
Come on, that's rather silly.
Gentlemen,

453
00:17:22,841 --> 00:17:23,857
what say you?

454
00:17:23,859 --> 00:17:24,858
I want Robin.

455
00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:25,825
I want Lily.

456
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:27,861
Please. Bronx Donnie?

457
00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:30,196
No chance he could
get me in the sack.

458
00:17:30,198 --> 00:17:33,083
Tell that Mafioso I know
something he can whack.

459
00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:34,567
Ladies, don't
you worry,

460
00:17:34,569 --> 00:17:36,736
your fair legs can
all stay closed.

461
00:17:36,738 --> 00:17:38,037
'Cause luckily
they took

462
00:17:38,039 --> 00:17:41,040
the counteroffer
I proposed.

463
00:17:41,042 --> 00:17:42,342
Well, gentlemen,

464
00:17:42,344 --> 00:17:44,194
it seems there's nothing
I can say to sway you.

465
00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:45,528
Charlie, Donnie,

466
00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:47,380
say no more,
I gladly will repay you.

467
00:17:47,382 --> 00:17:49,599
Carlotta, some champagne.

468
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:53,470
Let's toast before
we all adjourn.

469
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,891
To boobies.

470
00:17:59,426 --> 00:18:00,643
Oh, and B-T-dub,

471
00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:02,395
y'all just drank poison.

472
00:18:02,397 --> 00:18:03,530
Ha-burn.

473
00:18:20,631 --> 00:18:23,082
And thus, my friends,
I have become,

474
00:18:23,084 --> 00:18:25,117
through methods somewhat gory

475
00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:27,837
the Player King
of New York City.

476
00:18:27,839 --> 00:18:29,005
Boom.

477
00:18:29,007 --> 00:18:31,290
The end.

478
00:18:31,292 --> 00:18:32,642
True story.

479
00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:34,144
Well, that was great.

480
00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:36,095
Your little story
tickled all our ribs.

481
00:18:36,097 --> 00:18:38,014
But one mistake
you made, sir,

482
00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:40,400
was forgetting
to call dibs.

483
00:18:41,069 --> 00:18:42,468
No! Not fair.

484
00:18:42,470 --> 00:18:44,103
But I'm the king.

485
00:18:44,105 --> 00:18:46,990
- And such a better dresser.
- Sorry, dude,

486
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:48,408
but that's revenge

487
00:18:48,410 --> 00:18:51,110
for Lisa the professor.

488
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:53,613
Let's have
another round.

489
00:18:53,615 --> 00:18:54,831
- Yes.
- Your mommy said.

490
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,616
And so we had one.

491
00:18:56,618 --> 00:18:58,501
The night wore on,
and I must say,

492
00:18:58,503 --> 00:19:00,453
it wasn't a half bad one.

493
00:19:00,455 --> 00:19:02,755
What memories.
Our young and happy hearts

494
00:19:02,757 --> 00:19:05,592
were hot as fire.

495
00:19:05,594 --> 00:19:08,711
Feels like a lifetime
since those days.

496
00:19:10,347 --> 00:19:12,465
Sorry, folks,

497
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:13,933
flat tire.

498
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:15,435
Oh, come on.

499
00:19:15,437 --> 00:19:17,937
Now I'm never gonna
make it to Nantucket.

500
00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:27,647
Oh, look a
fireworks display.

501
00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:29,232
Some rockets
red glare action.

502
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,516
Thank God.

503
00:19:30,518 --> 00:19:34,120
Thought my glaucoma drops
were causing a reaction.

504
00:19:34,122 --> 00:19:38,241
Marvin, I'm so sorry this
whole journey's been a bummer.

505
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:43,329
Soon you'll be right back in
Mommy's arms, as warm as summer.

506
00:19:43,331 --> 00:19:46,916
But sadly while your troubles
stop once we get to the inn

507
00:19:46,918 --> 00:19:50,303
the moment we arrive
is when my troubles will begin.

508
00:19:50,305 --> 00:19:52,922
Sometimes daddies screw up,

509
00:19:52,924 --> 00:19:55,558
sometimes mommies get upset.

510
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,062
I really hope this weekend
is a memory you'll forget.

511
00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:02,565
So look up at those fireworks,
enjoy the falling embers...

512
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:06,185
And that, kids,
is the very first thing

513
00:20:06,187 --> 00:20:09,656
your cousin
Marvin remembers.

514
00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:15,355
 Gentlemen and ladies,
it'll be an hour or so...

515
00:20:15,356 --> 00:20:17,440
before the truck
gets here to give our

516
00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:19,141
broken bus a tow.

517
00:20:19,143 --> 00:20:22,862
So in the meantime I suggest
we all get nice and cozy.

518
00:20:22,864 --> 00:20:25,448
We're gonna be here
for a while.

519
00:20:26,950 --> 00:20:29,418
Uh, ring-around-the-rosy?

520
00:20:29,420 --> 00:20:31,420
Yeah!

521
00:20:31,422 --> 00:20:34,823
How far do you suppose it is
to the Farhampton Inn?

522
00:20:34,825 --> 00:20:36,792
I'd say about five miles away.

523
00:20:36,794 --> 00:20:38,511
Oh, no.

524
00:20:38,513 --> 00:20:39,962
What's with the grin?

525
00:20:39,964 --> 00:20:42,164
Then Marshall
looked up heavenward,

526
00:20:42,166 --> 00:20:44,050
and swore by night's first star

527
00:20:44,052 --> 00:20:46,469
five simple words
he'd soon regret:

528
00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:47,937
I can walk that far.

529
00:20:47,939 --> 00:20:52,939
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man