1
00:00:01,119 --> 00:00:02,518
MAN:
Well, that party was a dud.
2
00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,440
MAN 2: I think I struck out
with, like, 20 girls.
3
00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:06,872
And...
my condom expired.
4
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:07,989
We are losers!
5
00:00:07,991 --> 00:00:09,625
We've tried everything.
(sighs)
6
00:00:09,627 --> 00:00:11,176
We're covered
in Drakkar,
7
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,494
I've got fresh
new white socks,
8
00:00:12,496 --> 00:00:14,179
and I thought our
mime work in there
9
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,215
was excellent!
10
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:17,382
What?
11
00:00:22,806 --> 00:00:26,725
Um, are we in a zombie
movie right now?
12
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,231
(hiccups)
13
00:00:42,742 --> 00:00:44,960
(scoffs)
14
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,298
(sniffing)
15
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:52,885
Boys...
16
00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:55,704
today is your lucky day.
17
00:00:55,706 --> 00:00:58,206
Because today...
18
00:00:58,208 --> 00:01:01,093
I'm gonna teach you
how to...
19
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:03,312
(vomiting)
20
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,598
...live.
21
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,650
Who's got gum?
22
00:01:08,826 --> 00:01:12,826
? How I Met Your Mother 9x17 ?
Sunrise
Original Air Date on February 3, 2014
23
00:01:12,851 --> 00:01:17,851
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
24
00:01:21,197 --> 00:01:24,232
NARRATOR: Kids, for a brief period
when I was seven,
25
00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:26,735
my best friend was a balloon.
26
00:01:26,737 --> 00:01:28,203
It was the classic story:
27
00:01:28,205 --> 00:01:30,205
boy meets balloon,
28
00:01:30,207 --> 00:01:32,157
boy and balloon become friends,
29
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,425
boy loses balloon
30
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,210
when Mom sets out hot dogs
in the backyard.
31
00:01:35,212 --> 00:01:38,380
No!
32
00:01:38,382 --> 00:01:40,415
NARRATOR: Decades later, boy's new
best friend finds out
33
00:01:40,417 --> 00:01:42,718
about the whole thing and never
lets him live it down.
34
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,219
I hate you so much.
35
00:01:44,221 --> 00:01:45,771
NARRATOR: The whole thing
taught me a lesson.
36
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,039
If you love something,
37
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:48,407
you can never let it go,
38
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,108
not even for a second,
39
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,276
or it's gone forever.
40
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,479
Well, at least
I still got my hot dogs.
41
00:01:55,899 --> 00:01:57,382
No!
42
00:01:57,384 --> 00:01:59,117
NARRATOR:
It was a lesson that took me
43
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,869
nearly 30 years to unlearn.
44
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,604
Where could Barney be?
45
00:02:02,606 --> 00:02:04,406
Oh, relax.
He always finds his way home.
46
00:02:04,408 --> 00:02:06,542
St. Patrick's
Day, 2008.
47
00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:08,276
He did not find his
way home that night.
48
00:02:08,278 --> 00:02:10,329
That Dumpster was
a block from his apartment.
49
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:11,914
I call that a win.
(laughs)
50
00:02:11,916 --> 00:02:14,333
Also, that isn't the filthiest trash
he's ever slept with.
51
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,635
Ho! My future
husband, folks!
52
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,637
(both laughing)
53
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,339
Or maybe he bailed
on the wedding.
54
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,289
Oh, come on.
55
00:02:21,291 --> 00:02:22,474
Don't even
think like that.
56
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,893
Well, he's terrified
of commitment--
57
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,930
although, ironically,
loves being tied down...
58
00:02:27,932 --> 00:02:31,683
Look, as the run-offee
at my own almost-wedding,
59
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,485
I can tell you
you are fine.
60
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,687
Barney is no Stella.
Mmm.
61
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,138
Hey, have you talked
to her in a while?
62
00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:39,107
Stella?
Yeah.
63
00:02:39,109 --> 00:02:40,976
The woman who
broke my heart
64
00:02:40,978 --> 00:02:42,310
and embarrassed me
in front of
65
00:02:42,312 --> 00:02:44,029
all my friends
and loved ones?
66
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,697
(laughing):
Uh... no.
67
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,082
NARRATOR:
That was a lie.
68
00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:48,166
A few days earlier,
69
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,968
I had talked
to Stella on the phone.
70
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,753
Because, as you may recall,
71
00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:54,790
I'm kind of
the wedding gift master.
72
00:02:54,792 --> 00:02:56,041
Okay, I'm gonna stop you.
73
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:57,042
Do you not hear
74
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,377
how weird this all sounds?
75
00:02:58,379 --> 00:02:59,511
What part of this is weird?
76
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,879
You're going to your
ex-girlfriend's wedding.
77
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,831
It's not weird at all.
Where you'll be the best man...
78
00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:03,966
Utterly not weird.
79
00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:05,851
And now, less than
a week before the wedding,
80
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:08,103
you're calling the woman
who left you at the altar
81
00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:10,188
and moved three time zones away
82
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,640
on the razor-thin chance
83
00:03:11,642 --> 00:03:12,774
that I somehow ended up
84
00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,643
with her grandmother's locket?
85
00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:15,644
You know what's weird, Stella?
86
00:03:15,646 --> 00:03:16,812
Not seeing Star Wars
87
00:03:16,814 --> 00:03:17,846
until you're 30.
88
00:03:17,848 --> 00:03:19,364
You're trying
to blow up the wedding.
89
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,566
You called C-3PO "the Tin Man."
90
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:22,701
He is made of tin!
91
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,352
It's Tatooine scrap metal!
92
00:03:24,354 --> 00:03:26,705
This is not an argument
you are gonna win.
93
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,357
Now, do you have
the locket or not?
94
00:03:28,359 --> 00:03:30,709
Look, I might have it somewhere
95
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,577
in one of my old boxes
in our storage locker,
96
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:35,080
but even if I did, I cannot get
out there this week.
97
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:36,715
I'm totally swamped.
98
00:03:37,867 --> 00:03:40,118
One ticket to Los Angeles,
please.
99
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,537
MARSHALL: So the reason someone
can't come up
100
00:03:42,539 --> 00:03:43,805
to fix the air conditioning
101
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,341
is that the ghost
of Captain Dearduff,
102
00:03:46,343 --> 00:03:48,043
who haunts this room,
103
00:03:48,045 --> 00:03:49,378
likes it muggy?
104
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:50,479
That's correct.
105
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,813
Although, now that
I say it out loud,
106
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,849
it does sound
kind of ridiculous,
107
00:03:53,851 --> 00:03:55,350
because there's
no such thing as ghosts.
108
00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:56,685
Right?
109
00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:00,155
You have outflanked me,
Front Desk Guy!
110
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:02,574
Victory is yours!
111
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,577
NARRATOR: The truth is, there was
a ghost in that room.
112
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,195
You see, minutes earlier,
113
00:04:07,197 --> 00:04:09,197
Marshall had been in the middle
of the worst fight
114
00:04:09,199 --> 00:04:10,415
of his marriage,
115
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,901
when all of sudden,
Lily stormed out.
116
00:04:13,736 --> 00:04:16,254
Damn it, Lily.
117
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,622
This is so unfair.
118
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:18,907
I know!
119
00:04:18,909 --> 00:04:21,076
Storming out in
the middle of an argument?
120
00:04:21,078 --> 00:04:22,794
So childish!
121
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,913
Thank you,
Ghost Lily.
122
00:04:24,915 --> 00:04:27,215
I'm glad at least
you see it that way.
123
00:04:27,217 --> 00:04:30,085
Although, let's be honest,
I did you a favor.
124
00:04:30,087 --> 00:04:31,252
You were gonna lose.
125
00:04:31,254 --> 00:04:32,721
I... what?
126
00:04:32,723 --> 00:04:33,889
I was gonna lose?
127
00:04:33,891 --> 00:04:36,224
Uh, check your spectral
scorecard, Ghost Lily.
128
00:04:36,226 --> 00:04:37,392
I had you on the ropes.
129
00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:38,560
That's why you ran out.
130
00:04:38,562 --> 00:04:41,163
I ran out because
you brought up San Francisco.
131
00:04:41,165 --> 00:04:42,481
It was a valid point.
132
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,265
It's ancient history.
133
00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:45,934
If you're mad at anyone,
134
00:04:45,936 --> 00:04:47,536
you're mad at 2006 Lily.
135
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,571
Well, I can't very well
have an argument with 2006...
136
00:04:49,573 --> 00:04:51,456
(à la Borat):
Is nice!
137
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,375
(normal voice):
Do people still say that?
138
00:04:54,243 --> 00:04:55,994
I'm sorry,
how exactly
139
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,879
are you gonna
teach us how to live?
140
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:00,248
The journey to awesome
141
00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:02,417
starts with a single...
142
00:05:03,753 --> 00:05:04,920
Actually, lots of singles.
143
00:05:04,922 --> 00:05:05,954
We're going to a strip club.
144
00:05:05,956 --> 00:05:07,222
(laughs)
Strip club?
145
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,257
We're in the middle
of nowhere.
146
00:05:09,259 --> 00:05:11,176
There is always
a strip club.
147
00:05:12,595 --> 00:05:15,097
Hey, are you a little worried
this guy might kill us?
148
00:05:15,099 --> 00:05:18,133
We just put a down payment
on adult bunk beds.
149
00:05:18,135 --> 00:05:20,318
Would getting killed
really be so bad?
150
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,320
Good point.
I got a weird feeling.
151
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,822
I mean, there's
something off about...
152
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,440
Whoa!
153
00:05:28,044 --> 00:05:29,311
BARNEY:
Question:
154
00:05:29,313 --> 00:05:31,997
why does this sign
say "gentlemen's club"?
155
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,833
Answer: because The Crab Shed
156
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,035
is a place for gentlemen.
157
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,336
A gentleman
158
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,038
tips generously.
159
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,423
A gentleman uses
160
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,792
the complimentary
bathroom cologne...
161
00:05:43,794 --> 00:05:44,993
(whispering):
...but not too much.
162
00:05:44,995 --> 00:05:47,496
Oh. This is
important.
163
00:05:47,498 --> 00:05:49,931
Your instinct may be
164
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,851
to avoid the free buffet.
165
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:56,171
Your instinct is wrong.
166
00:05:56,173 --> 00:05:58,440
Don't sleep on the meatballs,
gentlemen.
167
00:05:58,442 --> 00:05:59,775
They are
168
00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:00,859
exquisite!
169
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,195
Come on!
170
00:06:05,481 --> 00:06:07,399
You know,
I liked Stella.
171
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:08,850
Even though she
broke your heart,
172
00:06:08,852 --> 00:06:10,735
I'd still put her
in your top five.
173
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,070
Which are...?
174
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,789
All right, number five, Stella.
Mm-hmm.
175
00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:15,073
Number four,
Zoey.
176
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,242
Number three, uh,
the Slutty Pumpkin.
177
00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:18,243
Ah.
178
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,360
Number two,
Marshall,
179
00:06:19,362 --> 00:06:21,129
that time you guys
pretended to be a couple
180
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,631
when Barney was trying
to sell the apartment.
181
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,665
(both laugh)
182
00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,917
And number one,
Victoria.
183
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,719
Well, you've given
this some thought.
184
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,887
Well, we all have.
185
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,922
There's kind of a running
e-mail chain about it.
186
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,541
But the pastry chef
was the best.
187
00:06:33,543 --> 00:06:34,726
No question.
188
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,678
I do miss her
sticky buns.
189
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:37,679
Uh, euphemism?
190
00:06:37,681 --> 00:06:40,765
Nope.
(laughs)
191
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:41,933
Can I be honest?
192
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:45,103
Um, it was kind of crazy
how all of sudden
193
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,940
it was just... over
between you and Victoria.
194
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:51,026
I mean...
195
00:06:51,028 --> 00:06:53,862
you guys were seven
years in the making.
196
00:06:53,864 --> 00:06:56,364
She left her fiancé
for you.
197
00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:57,916
What... why would
you break up?
198
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:01,786
What happened?
199
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,240
(clears throat)
200
00:07:05,242 --> 00:07:08,176
We, um...
201
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:10,411
we broke up because of you.
202
00:07:14,733 --> 00:07:16,534
Oh, my God,
this is amazing!
203
00:07:17,033 --> 00:07:19,484
I ruined my pants, but
it's totally worth it!
204
00:07:19,486 --> 00:07:21,486
Best meatballs ever!
205
00:07:21,488 --> 00:07:23,437
Mmm!
I'm gonna ask
206
00:07:23,439 --> 00:07:24,572
a serious question
right now.
207
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:27,074
Can a person live
in a strip club?
208
00:07:27,076 --> 00:07:28,876
Yes.
209
00:07:28,878 --> 00:07:29,961
For the next few years,
210
00:07:29,963 --> 00:07:31,712
your strip club
will be like home.
211
00:07:31,714 --> 00:07:33,915
Then, one day,
you'll date a stripper
212
00:07:33,917 --> 00:07:36,467
and almost marry her,
and after that,
213
00:07:36,469 --> 00:07:38,836
you'll realize
you're done with strip clubs.
214
00:07:38,838 --> 00:07:41,973
In the sense that you'll dial it
back to, like, once a week.
215
00:07:41,975 --> 00:07:44,242
I feel like I can talk to women now.
Yeah.
216
00:07:44,244 --> 00:07:45,877
You just stick
a dollar bill in your mouth,
217
00:07:45,879 --> 00:07:47,461
and the conversation
starts itself.
218
00:07:47,463 --> 00:07:49,380
You know, I think we're ready
to go back to that party
219
00:07:49,382 --> 00:07:50,648
and meet some ladies.
220
00:07:50,650 --> 00:07:52,250
(laughs)
Yeah!
221
00:07:52,252 --> 00:07:53,818
Yeah!
Yeah!
222
00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:57,154
You! Are!
Not! Ready!
223
00:07:57,156 --> 00:07:58,940
Your training is complete
224
00:07:58,942 --> 00:08:02,693
when I say
your training is complete!
225
00:08:02,695 --> 00:08:03,861
Come on, let's go.
226
00:08:05,981 --> 00:08:08,366
You-you broke up with Victoria
227
00:08:08,368 --> 00:08:09,650
because of me?
228
00:08:09,652 --> 00:08:12,920
She didn't want us
to be friends anymore,
229
00:08:12,922 --> 00:08:14,505
so I had to let her go.
230
00:08:14,507 --> 00:08:16,707
Ted...
231
00:08:19,127 --> 00:08:21,879
I just...
232
00:08:21,881 --> 00:08:23,714
Wow, I...
233
00:08:23,716 --> 00:08:25,383
And-and you haven't
talked to her since?
234
00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:27,301
Haven't talked to her since.
235
00:08:27,303 --> 00:08:29,020
NARRATOR:
Also a lie.
236
00:08:29,022 --> 00:08:30,438
Unbelievable.
237
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,306
And I assume this is
all in the hopes
238
00:08:32,308 --> 00:08:33,858
that Robin'll ditch
her own wedding
239
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:35,026
and run off with you?
240
00:08:35,028 --> 00:08:36,811
What? No.
241
00:08:36,813 --> 00:08:37,812
I would never.
242
00:08:37,814 --> 00:08:38,863
You would never
run off with a girl
243
00:08:38,865 --> 00:08:39,897
on the day of her wedding?
244
00:08:39,899 --> 00:08:41,165
Ri...
245
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:42,400
Okay, that's a fair point.
246
00:08:42,402 --> 00:08:43,484
I'm not done.
247
00:08:43,486 --> 00:08:45,152
...ight.
248
00:08:45,154 --> 00:08:46,604
So, do you have it?
249
00:08:50,709 --> 00:08:52,243
I'm looking at it right now.
250
00:08:52,245 --> 00:08:53,628
What?
Oh, uh... stay there.
251
00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:54,662
I'm-I'm on my way.
252
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:55,713
I'm in Germany.
253
00:08:55,715 --> 00:08:56,914
Danke schon!
254
00:08:58,366 --> 00:08:59,333
I see.
255
00:08:59,335 --> 00:09:01,002
Look, if it means
that much to you,
256
00:09:01,004 --> 00:09:02,637
as soon as I'm done
here at the bakery,
257
00:09:02,639 --> 00:09:03,671
I'll overnight it.
258
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:05,022
It'll be there in 24 hours.
259
00:09:05,024 --> 00:09:06,040
(exhales)
260
00:09:06,042 --> 00:09:07,508
Thank you.
261
00:09:07,510 --> 00:09:09,427
So this bakery,
what kind of, uh...
262
00:09:09,429 --> 00:09:10,428
You want me to send you
263
00:09:10,430 --> 00:09:11,729
some chocolate truffle
streuselkuchen?
264
00:09:11,731 --> 00:09:13,648
Yes, please,
you're the best, thank you.
265
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:15,733
NARRATOR:
But then, 24 hours later...
266
00:09:15,735 --> 00:09:16,934
disaster.
267
00:09:16,936 --> 00:09:18,352
MAN:
I'm sorry, Mr. Mosby.
268
00:09:18,354 --> 00:09:21,155
It says here your package
was delivered earlier today.
269
00:09:21,157 --> 00:09:22,406
Your wife signed for it.
270
00:09:22,408 --> 00:09:23,741
My... what?
271
00:09:23,743 --> 00:09:24,892
I... I don't have a wife.
272
00:09:24,894 --> 00:09:27,411
So, then, who's Jeanette Mosby?
273
00:09:27,413 --> 00:09:29,780
Oh, you're kidding me.
274
00:09:31,817 --> 00:09:34,752
Oh, my gosh,
2013 me!
275
00:09:34,754 --> 00:09:36,203
So many questions!
276
00:09:36,205 --> 00:09:38,623
How many MySpace friends
do I have now?
277
00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:40,808
Has James Blunt
put out
278
00:09:40,810 --> 00:09:42,743
the steady stream
of number one hits
279
00:09:42,745 --> 00:09:44,011
we all expect from him?
280
00:09:44,013 --> 00:09:46,430
And why are we in
this hotel room?
281
00:09:46,432 --> 00:09:47,965
We're here for Barney's wedding.
282
00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:49,433
Barney's wedding?
283
00:09:49,435 --> 00:09:50,635
Oh, God.
284
00:09:50,637 --> 00:09:52,103
What desperate ho-bag
285
00:09:52,105 --> 00:09:54,271
is handcuffing herself
to that time bomb?
286
00:09:54,273 --> 00:09:56,590
My dad did a real
number on me.
287
00:09:56,592 --> 00:09:58,976
Okay, uh... Ghost Lily,
seven-years-ago Ghost Lily,
288
00:09:58,978 --> 00:10:00,111
can we get on with this
289
00:10:00,113 --> 00:10:01,445
so I can win the argument
290
00:10:01,447 --> 00:10:02,930
and we can move on to my
regularly scheduled fantasy
291
00:10:02,932 --> 00:10:04,198
of you two making out
with each other?
292
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,533
Sure.
Just so you know,
293
00:10:05,535 --> 00:10:07,151
I really like it when...
294
00:10:07,153 --> 00:10:08,536
I know.
I'm you.
295
00:10:08,538 --> 00:10:11,105
And I don't like
that anymore.
296
00:10:11,107 --> 00:10:11,989
MARSHALL:
Okay, yes,
297
00:10:11,991 --> 00:10:13,541
seven-years-ago Lily,
298
00:10:13,543 --> 00:10:15,660
maybe I am wrong
for still being mad at you
299
00:10:15,662 --> 00:10:19,046
about San Francisco
and our breakup.
300
00:10:19,048 --> 00:10:21,499
But the truth is,
when you left me,
301
00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:23,868
that was the saddest
I've ever been in my life.
302
00:10:23,870 --> 00:10:24,952
Really?
303
00:10:24,954 --> 00:10:26,671
The saddest you've
ever been in your life?
304
00:10:26,673 --> 00:10:27,722
Saddest I've ever been
in my life.
305
00:10:27,724 --> 00:10:30,007
I mean, I am
sitting right here.
306
00:10:30,009 --> 00:10:33,144
Look, Dad, yes, obviously,
losing you was way worse,
307
00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:36,380
but I'm trying to make
a bigger point here.
308
00:10:36,382 --> 00:10:37,648
And what point is that?
309
00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:40,885
Because she hurt you once,
you now get to hurt her?
310
00:10:40,887 --> 00:10:42,687
It's not how it works
in a marriage.
311
00:10:42,689 --> 00:10:43,604
ALL:
Ooh...
312
00:10:43,606 --> 00:10:46,340
You're totally gonna lose.
313
00:10:47,659 --> 00:10:50,444
I can't believe
you're open at this hour.
314
00:10:50,446 --> 00:10:52,146
I'm always open
for my friends.
315
00:10:52,148 --> 00:10:53,247
What are we doing here?
316
00:10:53,249 --> 00:10:54,665
We should go back
to the party.
317
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:57,001
In relaxed-fit domestic denim?
318
00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,819
I'm sorry,
is this a costume party,
319
00:10:58,821 --> 00:11:00,621
and you're going as 1994?
320
00:11:00,623 --> 00:11:02,923
Would you be a peach
and bump this, please?
321
00:11:04,176 --> 00:11:05,659
Who cares
about any of this?
322
00:11:05,661 --> 00:11:06,677
They're just clothes.
323
00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,329
Just clothes? Ted--
324
00:11:09,331 --> 00:11:11,665
sorry, force of habit--
325
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:13,217
boys, suits are cool.
326
00:11:13,219 --> 00:11:14,518
Exhibit A.
327
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,003
I don't care
how well-dressed I am.
328
00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:17,888
The real challenge is walking
up to a girl
329
00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:19,173
that I've never met before
330
00:11:19,175 --> 00:11:22,843
and somehow talking to her
with words from my mouth.
331
00:11:22,845 --> 00:11:24,645
I've looked at it
from every possible angle.
332
00:11:24,647 --> 00:11:26,230
There's just no way to do it.
333
00:11:26,232 --> 00:11:28,515
(both chuckle)
334
00:11:32,237 --> 00:11:33,537
What's your name?
335
00:11:33,539 --> 00:11:34,789
Justin.
336
00:11:34,791 --> 00:11:36,857
Have you met Justin?
337
00:11:36,859 --> 00:11:39,460
Uh, no. Hi, I'm Julie.
338
00:11:39,462 --> 00:11:41,712
So simple, so elegant.
339
00:11:41,714 --> 00:11:42,997
Hmm.
That's it?
340
00:11:42,999 --> 00:11:44,882
You just walk up to someone
you don't know
341
00:11:44,884 --> 00:11:46,250
and introduce them
to your buddy?
342
00:11:46,252 --> 00:11:47,551
I don't know.
That sounds kind of...
343
00:11:47,553 --> 00:11:48,919
Have you met Kyle?
344
00:11:48,921 --> 00:11:50,254
Hi, Kyle.
345
00:11:50,256 --> 00:11:52,206
Are you Jesus?!
346
00:11:53,141 --> 00:11:55,392
I would have understood,
347
00:11:55,394 --> 00:11:56,977
you know?
348
00:11:56,979 --> 00:11:58,345
I mean, if you told me
349
00:11:58,347 --> 00:12:00,397
that we couldn't be friends
anymore,
350
00:12:00,399 --> 00:12:01,816
I-I wouldn't have liked it,
351
00:12:01,818 --> 00:12:03,601
but I, God,
I would have understood.
352
00:12:03,603 --> 00:12:05,102
I could never do that.
353
00:12:05,104 --> 00:12:06,203
Why not?
354
00:12:07,856 --> 00:12:10,391
Ted, okay, I insist
that you tell me why not.
355
00:12:10,393 --> 00:12:11,558
No way.
356
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,278
Answer the question.
It's... it's for the bride.
357
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,696
I'm not gonna answer
the question,
358
00:12:15,698 --> 00:12:18,916
because you know the answer.
359
00:12:19,868 --> 00:12:21,702
You want to talk
about my top five?
360
00:12:21,704 --> 00:12:23,070
There's no top five, Robin!
361
00:12:23,072 --> 00:12:25,539
There's just a top one,
and it's you.
362
00:12:25,541 --> 00:12:29,009
And the only reason I'm saying
any of this is 'cause
363
00:12:29,011 --> 00:12:31,879
I know that it's not gonna
change anything.
364
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:33,931
You and Barney are getting
married today.
365
00:12:33,933 --> 00:12:36,801
If I have to hold the shotgun
myself, it's happening.
366
00:12:36,803 --> 00:12:39,470
I thought you don't like guns.
367
00:12:39,472 --> 00:12:40,971
I'm the best man.
368
00:12:40,973 --> 00:12:43,607
I swore on the Bro Code.
369
00:12:43,609 --> 00:12:46,610
I don't want to go to Bro Hell.
370
00:12:46,612 --> 00:12:47,895
Bro Hell sounds bad.
371
00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:50,197
I'm sure Barney's got
a whole thing about Bro Hell.
372
00:12:50,199 --> 00:12:56,036
But what about when we
get back from our honeymoon?
373
00:12:56,955 --> 00:12:58,605
What about our first night out
at the bar?
374
00:12:58,607 --> 00:12:59,606
But what then?
375
00:12:59,608 --> 00:13:01,709
I mean, is it gonna be weird?
376
00:13:01,711 --> 00:13:03,294
No.
377
00:13:03,296 --> 00:13:05,162
How can you be so sure?
378
00:13:05,164 --> 00:13:07,464
Because I'm not gonna be there.
379
00:13:07,466 --> 00:13:09,550
I'm moving to Chicago.
380
00:13:13,487 --> 00:13:15,571
You're moving to Chicago?
That's right.
381
00:13:15,573 --> 00:13:17,073
I'm gonna work
for Hammond Druthers.
382
00:13:17,075 --> 00:13:18,541
The penis-building guy?
383
00:13:18,620 --> 00:13:20,370
They're not all penis buildings.
384
00:13:20,372 --> 00:13:22,405
They just designed
this clamshell amphitheater
385
00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:23,706
for the St. Louis Symphony.
386
00:13:23,708 --> 00:13:27,560
That one, it doesn't look
like a penis, anyway.
387
00:13:27,562 --> 00:13:30,546
I can't believe
you're leaving New York.
388
00:13:31,432 --> 00:13:33,700
Wait, is this be--
is this because of me?
389
00:13:33,702 --> 00:13:35,918
No, it's not because of you.
390
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:38,587
Well, maybe at first
it was, but...
391
00:13:40,190 --> 00:13:42,775
(sighs)
392
00:13:42,777 --> 00:13:44,593
(grunts)
393
00:13:50,951 --> 00:13:53,436
It's been a really long week.
394
00:13:53,438 --> 00:13:57,991
Some stuff has happened and...
395
00:13:57,993 --> 00:14:01,961
it's just made me feel like
it's, it's time to move on.
396
00:14:03,163 --> 00:14:05,614
Yes, good things happened
to me in New York,
397
00:14:05,616 --> 00:14:09,085
but bad things happened, too.
398
00:14:09,087 --> 00:14:12,905
Like your top five
worst relationships?
399
00:14:12,907 --> 00:14:16,959
Okay, come on. Let me hear it.
400
00:14:16,961 --> 00:14:18,895
Number five, Blah Blah.
Mm-hmm.
401
00:14:18,897 --> 00:14:21,898
Number four,
boats, boats, boats.
402
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:23,483
Number three, Karen.
Mm.
403
00:14:23,485 --> 00:14:27,803
Number two, uh, Zoey.
She made both lists.
404
00:14:27,805 --> 00:14:31,274
Number one, by a landslide,
Jeanette.
405
00:14:31,276 --> 00:14:33,409
Jeanette, of course.
By the way,
406
00:14:33,411 --> 00:14:34,610
have you talked
to Jeanette lately?
407
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,579
I haven't talked to her.
NARRATOR: Liar.
408
00:14:36,581 --> 00:14:39,482
So I was at your apartment
stealing your mail,
409
00:14:39,484 --> 00:14:42,935
and apparently there's
some chick named Victoria
410
00:14:42,937 --> 00:14:44,487
sending you jewelry
411
00:14:44,489 --> 00:14:45,722
from Germany?
412
00:14:45,724 --> 00:14:48,374
Somebody owes somebody
an explanation.
413
00:14:48,376 --> 00:14:50,727
Jeanette, that locket
is a wedding gift for Robin.
414
00:14:50,729 --> 00:14:53,246
Robin?! Oh, God, this again?
415
00:14:53,248 --> 00:14:55,631
That I'm giving
to her as a friend
416
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:57,433
because I'm kind
of the wedding gift master!
417
00:14:57,435 --> 00:14:59,168
Now bring it back
to me right now!
418
00:14:59,170 --> 00:15:01,270
Fine. Meet me
at the Bow Bridge
419
00:15:01,272 --> 00:15:03,022
in Central Park in one hour.
420
00:15:03,024 --> 00:15:05,625
And by the way,
I want Kenny back.
421
00:15:05,627 --> 00:15:06,442
Who's Kenny?!
422
00:15:06,444 --> 00:15:08,027
My pet tarantula.
423
00:15:08,029 --> 00:15:09,362
(gasps)
424
00:15:09,364 --> 00:15:11,614
By the way, I love your hair.
425
00:15:11,616 --> 00:15:13,082
I love your hair!
426
00:15:13,084 --> 00:15:14,283
Imaginary women, right?
427
00:15:14,285 --> 00:15:18,354
I need everyone
to just be quiet, please.
428
00:15:18,356 --> 00:15:23,609
Look, I know that I could
have handled all of this better.
429
00:15:23,611 --> 00:15:26,546
But setting aside the fact
that all of our friends are here
430
00:15:26,548 --> 00:15:28,131
and that we don't speak Italian,
431
00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:30,833
if we stay in New York, we both
get to follow our dreams.
432
00:15:30,835 --> 00:15:32,035
Are we really gonna go someplace
433
00:15:32,037 --> 00:15:33,920
where only one of us gets
to do that?
434
00:15:33,922 --> 00:15:35,704
Of course not.
Well, then how can you...?
435
00:15:35,706 --> 00:15:37,256
Wait-- what?
436
00:15:37,258 --> 00:15:39,041
We're not moving to Italy.
437
00:15:39,043 --> 00:15:41,511
We have a baby.
It makes sense to stay here.
438
00:15:41,513 --> 00:15:42,595
Even I know that.
439
00:15:42,597 --> 00:15:44,347
You do?
440
00:15:44,349 --> 00:15:47,100
So... I win?
441
00:15:47,935 --> 00:15:50,787
Well, then, ho, hey, ho.
442
00:15:50,789 --> 00:15:54,857
In your ethereal face,
Ghost Lily.
443
00:15:54,859 --> 00:15:58,194
Oh, yeah, the Convincer
right here!
444
00:15:58,196 --> 00:15:59,529
She thought I was gonna lose.
445
00:15:59,531 --> 00:16:00,913
You are gonna lose.
446
00:16:00,915 --> 00:16:04,567
You're gonna lose this.
447
00:16:04,569 --> 00:16:06,002
If you keep lying to me,
448
00:16:06,004 --> 00:16:08,004
if you keep cutting me out
of decisions,
449
00:16:08,006 --> 00:16:11,791
if you keep using words
like "winning" and "losing"
450
00:16:11,793 --> 00:16:13,543
when you talk
about our marriage.
451
00:16:13,545 --> 00:16:16,462
It's not like it'll happen
all at once,
452
00:16:16,464 --> 00:16:19,265
but if you keep acting
this way,
453
00:16:19,267 --> 00:16:22,435
little by little,
454
00:16:22,437 --> 00:16:23,736
you're gonna lose me.
455
00:16:23,738 --> 00:16:26,405
Is that what you want?
456
00:16:26,407 --> 00:16:28,641
No, of course not.
457
00:16:28,643 --> 00:16:32,562
You're not my enemy.
You're my wife.
458
00:16:32,564 --> 00:16:33,429
(à la Borat):
My wife!
459
00:16:33,431 --> 00:16:34,714
(normal voice):
Right?
460
00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:36,616
No. Sorr... sorry.
461
00:16:37,785 --> 00:16:40,336
We should
probably head back.
462
00:16:41,438 --> 00:16:44,123
Do you want to watch
the sun come up?
463
00:16:47,494 --> 00:16:48,777
Sure.
464
00:16:48,779 --> 00:16:51,030
JEANETTE:
Thanks for meeting me here.
465
00:16:51,032 --> 00:16:53,782
I'm heading over to the East
Side to stuff a dead squirrel
466
00:16:53,784 --> 00:16:55,585
into a different
ex-boyfriend's mailbox,
467
00:16:55,587 --> 00:16:57,587
so, you know, this made sense.
468
00:16:57,589 --> 00:16:58,954
Of course.
469
00:16:58,956 --> 00:17:00,923
So, can I have the locket?
470
00:17:00,925 --> 00:17:02,809
No.
471
00:17:02,811 --> 00:17:04,343
What? Jeanette...
472
00:17:04,345 --> 00:17:06,729
Ted, listen to me.
You're being crazy.
473
00:17:06,731 --> 00:17:08,047
I'm being crazy?!
474
00:17:08,049 --> 00:17:11,150
Yes! How long have you been
hung up on Robin?
475
00:17:11,152 --> 00:17:12,852
Eight years?!
476
00:17:12,854 --> 00:17:14,153
And you're still
killing yourself
477
00:17:14,155 --> 00:17:16,739
to fetch dumb little trinkets
for her. That's crazy!
478
00:17:16,741 --> 00:17:18,324
That's more than crazy.
479
00:17:18,326 --> 00:17:20,142
I don't think there's a word
for what that is!
480
00:17:20,144 --> 00:17:22,945
Actually, there is a word
for that. It's "love."
481
00:17:23,864 --> 00:17:25,832
I'm in love with her, okay?
482
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:28,317
If you're looking for the word
that means caring about someone
483
00:17:28,319 --> 00:17:30,786
beyond all rationality
and wanting them to have
484
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,421
everything they want,
no matter how much
485
00:17:32,423 --> 00:17:33,956
it destroys you, it's love!
486
00:17:34,925 --> 00:17:37,210
And when you love someone,
you just, you...
487
00:17:37,212 --> 00:17:38,794
you don't stop, ever.
488
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:41,430
Even when people roll their
eyes or call you crazy.
489
00:17:41,432 --> 00:17:43,549
Even then. Especially then!
490
00:17:43,551 --> 00:17:46,135
You just-- you don't give up!
Because if I could give up...
491
00:17:46,137 --> 00:17:49,222
if I could just, you know,
take the whole world's advice
492
00:17:49,224 --> 00:17:52,475
and-and move on and find someone
else, that wouldn't be love.
493
00:17:52,477 --> 00:17:54,026
That would be...
494
00:17:54,028 --> 00:17:56,229
that would be some other
disposable thing
495
00:17:56,231 --> 00:17:59,148
that is not worth fighting for.
496
00:18:00,517 --> 00:18:04,871
But I--
that is not what this is.
497
00:18:04,873 --> 00:18:09,024
So, please, can I have
the locket?
498
00:18:13,547 --> 00:18:14,997
Cuckoo.
499
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:26,726
I think we should
get back together.
500
00:18:31,665 --> 00:18:34,600
ROBIN:
And... new day.
501
00:18:34,602 --> 00:18:38,104
Yep, new day.
502
00:18:39,222 --> 00:18:41,574
? Close your eyes...
503
00:18:41,576 --> 00:18:45,278
Okay, you need to get
at least a little sleep.
504
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,447
? Do you feel
my heart beating? ?
505
00:18:48,449 --> 00:18:51,334
? Do you understand?
506
00:18:51,336 --> 00:18:53,669
? Do you feel the same?
507
00:18:53,671 --> 00:18:55,755
BARNEY (slurring):
A few final thoughts.
508
00:18:55,757 --> 00:18:58,107
Don't get married
until you're 30.
509
00:18:58,109 --> 00:19:00,409
Play laser tag once a week.
510
00:19:00,411 --> 00:19:04,547
Give at least as many high fives
as you get.
511
00:19:04,549 --> 00:19:06,682
Teacup pigs are lady magnets,
512
00:19:06,684 --> 00:19:09,835
but very hard to care for.
Not worth the effort.
513
00:19:09,837 --> 00:19:14,690
The same goes for dogs
and babies.
514
00:19:15,425 --> 00:19:17,560
And most importantly,
515
00:19:17,562 --> 00:19:21,263
whatever you do in this life,
516
00:19:21,265 --> 00:19:23,232
it's not legendary
517
00:19:23,234 --> 00:19:25,451
unless your friends are there
to see it.
518
00:19:26,737 --> 00:19:29,956
Good luck, boys.
519
00:19:29,958 --> 00:19:32,792
Take care of
the game for me.
520
00:19:32,794 --> 00:19:35,227
We will.
521
00:19:36,463 --> 00:19:39,415
Did you ever get
his name?
522
00:19:39,417 --> 00:19:42,335
No. What'd he give you?
523
00:19:42,337 --> 00:19:43,336
I don't know,
524
00:19:43,338 --> 00:19:46,005
but I think it's important.
525
00:19:46,007 --> 00:19:51,394
? I don't want to lose
this feeling ?
526
00:19:51,396 --> 00:19:53,479
Lil-Lily...
527
00:19:54,181 --> 00:19:56,182
I love you. And I'm so sorry.
528
00:19:56,184 --> 00:19:57,600
It doesn't matter
where we live.
529
00:19:57,602 --> 00:19:58,818
I just want us
to be...
530
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:00,252
We're staying in New York.
531
00:20:00,254 --> 00:20:01,654
What? No.
532
00:20:01,656 --> 00:20:03,322
Yes.
533
00:20:03,324 --> 00:20:06,242
It just makes sense.
534
00:20:06,244 --> 00:20:09,829
I've missed you so much.
535
00:20:11,648 --> 00:20:14,450
? Am I only dreaming?
536
00:20:14,452 --> 00:20:16,702
I have to let go now.
537
00:20:16,704 --> 00:20:19,755
? Is this burning
I know you do.
538
00:20:19,757 --> 00:20:22,792
? An eternal flame?
539
00:20:22,794 --> 00:20:28,514
? Close your eyes,
give me your hand, darling ?
540
00:20:28,516 --> 00:20:31,967
? Do you feel
my heart beating? ?
541
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:34,387
? Do you understand?
542
00:20:34,389 --> 00:20:37,540
? Do you feel the same?
543
00:20:37,542 --> 00:20:42,361
? Am I only dreaming?
544
00:20:49,042 --> 00:20:52,011
When we went out
on our first date,
545
00:20:52,013 --> 00:20:53,479
at the end
of the night,
546
00:20:53,481 --> 00:20:55,297
did you want me
to kiss you?
547
00:20:56,270 --> 00:20:58,020
Yeah, I did.
Damn it!
548
00:20:58,022 --> 00:21:03,022
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man