1 00:00:02,478 --> 00:00:05,847 "Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:09,518 Nothing like a cozy nightcap by the fire, huh? 3 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:12,186 What happened to actual nightcaps? 4 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:14,723 People just don't dress for bed anymore. 5 00:00:14,756 --> 00:00:16,158 Well... 6 00:00:16,192 --> 00:00:18,926 Well, you do your part by wearing socks. 7 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,862 Or once, you tried that thing with the, uh, with the bow tie. 8 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:24,332 Oh, that was my homage to the Chippendale dancers. 9 00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:25,667 Ah. 10 00:00:25,701 --> 00:00:28,169 Well, Chippendale dancers wear it on their neck. 11 00:00:31,306 --> 00:00:32,506 Ooh. Oh. 12 00:00:33,676 --> 00:00:35,310 You coming down with something? 13 00:00:35,344 --> 00:00:36,411 Mnh-mnh. 14 00:00:36,445 --> 00:00:38,313 Can I get you anything, like a... motel room? 15 00:00:38,347 --> 00:00:39,581 No. 16 00:00:39,615 --> 00:00:40,881 It's allergies. That's all. 17 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:41,850 - Yeah? - Yeah. 18 00:00:41,884 --> 00:00:44,987 You know, I want to tell you about this teaching seminar I went to today... 19 00:00:45,021 --> 00:00:48,590 "the secret of a successful blended classroom." 20 00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:51,893 Honey, honey. 21 00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:54,195 Hey, you know what? Maybe you're allergic to boring conversation. 22 00:00:54,229 --> 00:00:55,396 No, it's something in the yard. 23 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:56,463 Where you going? 24 00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:57,865 I'm gonna go inside, honey. 25 00:00:57,899 --> 00:00:58,866 Oh, come on. 26 00:00:58,901 --> 00:01:00,701 Honey, I'll tell you the story later. 27 00:01:02,471 --> 00:01:03,471 Don't tax yourself. 28 00:01:03,506 --> 00:01:06,373 You might have to drive to a motel. 29 00:01:06,408 --> 00:01:07,975 Yo, yo, yo. 30 00:01:08,010 --> 00:01:10,578 Ho. Hey, Garfield. There's no lasagna up here. 31 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,147 Go, go, go. Go. 32 00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:18,051 Boo! Oh! 33 00:01:18,087 --> 00:01:19,587 Oh, God. 34 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:20,989 Honey, why did you do that? 35 00:01:21,022 --> 00:01:23,424 Oh, I was trying to scare you so you'd stop. 36 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,591 That's hiccups. 37 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,293 No, those were definitely sneezes. 38 00:01:26,328 --> 00:01:30,430 Hey, hon, I think I figured out why you're doing all this sneezing, 39 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:32,700 who left the surprises in Boyd's sandbox, 40 00:01:32,734 --> 00:01:35,302 and why we have orange hair all over the lawn furniture. 41 00:01:35,337 --> 00:01:37,138 Oh, my God. We have clowns? 42 00:01:37,171 --> 00:01:39,039 No, we have a cat. 43 00:01:39,073 --> 00:01:41,442 I sprayed for clowns. 44 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:44,444 Well, that makes sense. I'm extremely allergic to cats. 45 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:48,682 Well, just say the word, and I'll send Fluffy packing with my airsoft rifle. 46 00:01:48,716 --> 00:01:51,085 Uh, no one is shooting at a cat. 47 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,186 You know the rules. We don't shoot animals that have collars. 48 00:01:53,222 --> 00:01:56,424 That's how Yogi Bear has lasted so long. 49 00:01:56,457 --> 00:01:58,893 Well, suit yourself, but it worked with the Swanson kid 50 00:01:58,926 --> 00:02:00,861 when he kept pooping in our sandbox. 51 00:02:00,896 --> 00:02:05,132 You know, I'm pretty sure I've seen Carol Larabee feeding a big orange cat. 52 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,501 - You want to go ask Chuck? - Why don't you go ask Chuck? 53 00:02:07,536 --> 00:02:10,103 No. I don't want to strain things with the neighbors. 54 00:02:10,138 --> 00:02:11,605 I know. That's more my thing. 55 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:12,939 I'll call him in the morning. 56 00:02:12,974 --> 00:02:14,682 Oh, you know what... I want to tell you about 57 00:02:14,713 --> 00:02:16,210 that instructional seminar I attended... 58 00:02:16,245 --> 00:02:17,377 I'll call him right now. 59 00:02:18,479 --> 00:02:21,449 Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com 60 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:29,074 Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM 61 00:02:30,224 --> 00:02:31,891 Hey, Baxter. 62 00:02:31,926 --> 00:02:33,127 Hey, Chuck, man. 63 00:02:33,161 --> 00:02:36,197 I hate to bother you while you're watching "Arsenio." 64 00:02:37,899 --> 00:02:40,299 "Arsenio's" off the air, but I am watching an all-black show. 65 00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:42,103 It's called "sports." 66 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,171 What can I do for you? 67 00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:47,908 Listen, I got a little trouble with orange cat hair 68 00:02:47,942 --> 00:02:49,376 all over my outdoor furniture. 69 00:02:49,411 --> 00:02:50,811 You know anything about this? 70 00:02:50,846 --> 00:02:52,513 Yeah... if you don't have a lint roller, 71 00:02:52,546 --> 00:02:55,915 wrap some tape around your hand sticky-side-out. 72 00:02:55,950 --> 00:02:58,418 All right, thanks. I'll just shoot the cat. Good night. 73 00:02:58,453 --> 00:02:59,586 Hang on, hang on, hang on. 74 00:02:59,621 --> 00:03:01,655 It sounds like you're talking about Tigger. 75 00:03:01,689 --> 00:03:03,723 - When did you get a cat? - We didn't. 76 00:03:03,758 --> 00:03:05,759 He used to belong to the Pettigrews down the street, 77 00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:07,433 but they left him behind when they moved. 78 00:03:07,461 --> 00:03:08,461 Pettigrew moved? 79 00:03:08,496 --> 00:03:09,430 Uh-huh. 80 00:03:09,463 --> 00:03:11,198 He's got my rake! 81 00:03:11,231 --> 00:03:14,134 Not anymore. I bought it at his yard sale. 82 00:03:16,137 --> 00:03:19,872 Carol felt sorry for Tigger getting abandoned, so we started feeding him. 83 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,375 Well, then, it's your cat. 84 00:03:21,408 --> 00:03:23,076 You feed it. You own it. 85 00:03:23,110 --> 00:03:25,344 Oh, in that case, I bought you lunch last week, 86 00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,146 and I got a lot of yard work to do. 87 00:03:28,550 --> 00:03:31,117 I'll even let you use my good rake. 88 00:03:31,151 --> 00:03:32,985 Why don't you keep that thing indoors? 89 00:03:33,021 --> 00:03:34,954 It's starting to bother my wife's allergies. 90 00:03:34,989 --> 00:03:36,088 Oh, I can't do that. 91 00:03:36,123 --> 00:03:38,125 I got this huge German Shepherd, and... 92 00:03:38,158 --> 00:03:41,194 and she's terrified of cats. 93 00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:44,598 Shh, shh, shh, shh. 94 00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:47,768 Besides, you know, the whole neighborhood feeds Tigger. 95 00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,703 He... he's a neighborhood cat. 96 00:03:49,736 --> 00:03:52,906 Yeah, the whole neighborhood's become that cat's litter box. 97 00:03:52,939 --> 00:03:54,974 Look, this is just one more example 98 00:03:55,009 --> 00:03:57,411 of you people not accepting responsibility. 99 00:03:57,444 --> 00:04:00,280 And what people are those, Baxter? 100 00:04:00,313 --> 00:04:01,948 You gonna make me say it? 101 00:04:01,983 --> 00:04:03,049 Yes. 102 00:04:03,084 --> 00:04:04,617 Cat people! 103 00:04:12,259 --> 00:04:13,592 How about some lunch, Mikey? 104 00:04:13,627 --> 00:04:14,693 All right. 105 00:04:14,728 --> 00:04:16,129 All right, how about the Indian place? 106 00:04:16,197 --> 00:04:19,064 Or we could save time and just order diarrhea. 107 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,401 You have something on your shoe. 108 00:04:22,435 --> 00:04:24,704 Oh, damn it! 109 00:04:24,738 --> 00:04:27,807 I stepped on a glob of gum. 110 00:04:27,841 --> 00:04:29,175 Oh, man. Look at that. 111 00:04:29,209 --> 00:04:33,279 And it's the... it's the coupon for the Indian place. 112 00:04:36,216 --> 00:04:38,451 Adios, tikka masala, right? 113 00:04:38,485 --> 00:04:41,821 I mean, come on, now. What's wrong with people, Mike? 114 00:04:41,855 --> 00:04:43,822 People just spit out their gum willy-nilly 115 00:04:43,858 --> 00:04:46,259 and expect someone else to clean up their mess? 116 00:04:46,293 --> 00:04:47,326 You know what that is? 117 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,129 I'll go with wintergreen. 118 00:04:50,163 --> 00:04:53,132 It's people not accepting responsibility for what they do. 119 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,534 It's what my vlog is about. Watch this. 120 00:04:55,569 --> 00:04:58,004 Hey, Mike Baxter here with a word on cats. 121 00:05:00,608 --> 00:05:02,908 That's the wrong one. That's about cats, Mike. 122 00:05:02,942 --> 00:05:04,043 Just watch the rest of it. Here. 123 00:05:04,077 --> 00:05:08,314 Listen, those of you who have cats, learn a little responsibility. 124 00:05:08,348 --> 00:05:10,415 Start with spaying or neutering them. 125 00:05:10,451 --> 00:05:12,918 Or, better yet, have a veterinarian do that. 126 00:05:12,952 --> 00:05:15,321 And keep the little predator in the house. 127 00:05:15,355 --> 00:05:18,725 If you let them wander around outside, we all got a cat. 128 00:05:18,759 --> 00:05:22,694 If you don't take care of your own stuff, then society has to do it. 129 00:05:22,730 --> 00:05:23,970 "Hey, I'm done with this couch. 130 00:05:23,997 --> 00:05:27,065 "I'll just leave it here on the street corner. Somebody will use it." 131 00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,569 You know who? Cats. 132 00:05:29,603 --> 00:05:31,637 It's still about cats, Mikey. 133 00:05:31,672 --> 00:05:32,704 Keep watching. 134 00:05:32,740 --> 00:05:35,141 What's worse than abandoning a sofa? 135 00:05:35,175 --> 00:05:36,975 Abandoning a human being. 136 00:05:37,009 --> 00:05:40,312 We actually have a law in this state that if you have a baby, 137 00:05:40,346 --> 00:05:44,683 you get three days to decide if it's a keeper. 138 00:05:44,718 --> 00:05:47,185 That's right... there's a lemon law for babies. 139 00:05:47,221 --> 00:05:50,223 If you decide it cries too much or clashes with the drapes, 140 00:05:50,257 --> 00:05:52,925 you can just drop it off at your local fire station. 141 00:05:52,959 --> 00:05:56,728 So you, me, and everybody but their parents ends up taking care of them. 142 00:05:56,762 --> 00:05:59,865 Now, sure, there have been a few abandoned babies who have turned out okay. 143 00:05:59,899 --> 00:06:03,101 I'm thinking about superman and Moses. 144 00:06:03,136 --> 00:06:05,004 But with this kind of safety net, 145 00:06:05,038 --> 00:06:07,673 you're practically begging folks to be irresponsible. 146 00:06:07,708 --> 00:06:10,375 You know, it shouldn't be easier to dispose of a child 147 00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:12,444 than to dispose of used motor oil. 148 00:06:12,478 --> 00:06:16,348 Plus, you're distracting firemen from their more important duties... 149 00:06:16,382 --> 00:06:18,184 posing shirtless for calendars. 150 00:06:18,218 --> 00:06:23,788 And listen, folks, a beefcake photo shoot is no place to raise a baby. 151 00:06:23,824 --> 00:06:25,725 What'd you think? 152 00:06:25,759 --> 00:06:29,595 It's another bull's-eye, Mikey. 153 00:06:29,629 --> 00:06:33,264 Once you get past all that cat crap. 154 00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:34,699 People just need to step up 155 00:06:34,733 --> 00:06:37,435 and take responsibility for their own messes, that's all. 156 00:06:37,471 --> 00:06:39,071 I know. You... Ed, Ed. 157 00:06:39,105 --> 00:06:41,273 - Yes. What? - You gonna pick this up? 158 00:06:41,307 --> 00:06:43,268 Somebody else will take care of that. Don't worry. 159 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,648 I'm gonna miss you so, so much, Kyle. 160 00:06:49,682 --> 00:06:52,550 And I'm gonna miss you so, so, so much, Mandy. 161 00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:56,120 I'm gonna miss you so, so, so, so, so... 162 00:06:56,156 --> 00:06:57,355 Stop!! 163 00:06:58,658 --> 00:07:02,595 This always ends with confusion and counting on fingers. 164 00:07:02,629 --> 00:07:05,064 Have a wonderful time in Vegas, Kyle. 165 00:07:05,098 --> 00:07:06,564 All right, thanks. 166 00:07:06,598 --> 00:07:07,699 Okay, I better get going. 167 00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:09,300 I don't have an assigned seat on the plane, 168 00:07:09,336 --> 00:07:10,968 and I want to make sure I get a middle one. 169 00:07:11,004 --> 00:07:11,836 Okay. 170 00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:13,971 Hey, have an awesome time, okay? 171 00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:16,341 And, um, remember what we agreed to. 172 00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:17,341 - Ii will. - Okay. 173 00:07:17,377 --> 00:07:19,110 Bye, Eve. Bye, Mrs. B. 174 00:07:19,144 --> 00:07:20,112 Bye, Kyle. 175 00:07:20,146 --> 00:07:25,451 Mandy, honey, uh, just out of curiosity, what did you and Kyle agree to? 176 00:07:25,518 --> 00:07:26,819 Um, no bigs. 177 00:07:26,853 --> 00:07:28,687 We're just taking the weekend off from being a couple. 178 00:07:28,721 --> 00:07:30,622 A couple of idiots? 'Cause it's about time. 179 00:07:30,656 --> 00:07:32,591 Ha ha ho! 180 00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:35,860 You're giving your boyfriend a free pass at a bachelor party in Vegas? 181 00:07:35,894 --> 00:07:37,062 I don't know. 182 00:07:37,096 --> 00:07:38,564 I just really wanted him to be able to cut loose 183 00:07:38,598 --> 00:07:39,865 without feeling guilty, you know? 184 00:07:39,899 --> 00:07:40,865 Isn't that great? 185 00:07:40,899 --> 00:07:42,334 Well, sounds great for him. 186 00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:44,369 We even came up with this cute slogan about it. 187 00:07:44,403 --> 00:07:47,471 It's like, "whatever happens in Vegas stays a secret." 188 00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:52,177 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 189 00:07:52,211 --> 00:07:54,346 Relax, mom. This is Kyle in Vegas. 190 00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:55,880 The only thing that's gonna happen 191 00:07:55,915 --> 00:07:59,183 is we'll get a panicked call every half-hour that there's a volcano erupting. 192 00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:03,754 I'll get that. 193 00:08:04,790 --> 00:08:05,990 Hey, Chuck. What's going on? 194 00:08:06,024 --> 00:08:07,692 Hey, Baxter. 195 00:08:07,726 --> 00:08:10,028 I'm here on security-company business. 196 00:08:10,062 --> 00:08:14,132 Well, that's perfect, 'cause I want to report an unwanted visitor. 197 00:08:15,268 --> 00:08:17,269 Tigger has gone missing. 198 00:08:17,302 --> 00:08:18,336 Oh! 199 00:08:18,370 --> 00:08:19,937 Well, have you checked his known associates? 200 00:08:19,971 --> 00:08:22,052 How about that weird little bear that wears no pants? 201 00:08:23,076 --> 00:08:25,843 Do you two have any idea where the cat might be? 202 00:08:25,877 --> 00:08:27,045 No, no. 203 00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:29,120 But what was in that weird stew we just had? 204 00:08:30,382 --> 00:08:32,984 No, I-I haven't seen Tigger in a while. 205 00:08:33,019 --> 00:08:34,686 Oh, yeah? 206 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,989 Well, um, according to your neighbors across the street, 207 00:08:38,024 --> 00:08:43,562 uh, he was in your yard on Wednesday, and there was an, uh... altercation. 208 00:08:43,596 --> 00:08:45,730 Altercation? What... what altercation? 209 00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:47,765 I think you should check with that weird Swanson kid. 210 00:08:47,799 --> 00:08:50,534 You know, the one that pulls doll parts around in his wagon? 211 00:08:50,570 --> 00:08:53,004 There's video. Oh. 212 00:08:53,038 --> 00:08:57,509 This is the last time Tigger pettigrew was seen alive. 213 00:09:03,048 --> 00:09:04,749 I believe that's you, Vanessa. 214 00:09:04,783 --> 00:09:07,485 Yeah, I was... I was just shooing him. 215 00:09:14,793 --> 00:09:18,196 Squirting a kitty in February. 216 00:09:18,230 --> 00:09:19,331 Not cool. 217 00:09:20,499 --> 00:09:22,466 You may want to lawyer up. 218 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,501 Look, I would never, ever hurt an animal. 219 00:09:24,537 --> 00:09:28,373 It... it was a warm evening, and water is a humane training technique. 220 00:09:28,407 --> 00:09:32,009 Yep. That's what they said at Guantanamo, huh? 221 00:09:32,043 --> 00:09:34,778 But besides the cat thing, where did you get the video of this? 222 00:09:34,813 --> 00:09:36,947 Yeah, yeah. Somebody was actually filming me? 223 00:09:36,981 --> 00:09:40,384 It's from one of the surveillance cameras I installed over at the Shirazis'. 224 00:09:40,418 --> 00:09:41,586 The Shirazis? 225 00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:43,587 We're being monitored by middle easterners? 226 00:09:43,621 --> 00:09:45,389 Shouldn't it be the other way around? 227 00:09:45,423 --> 00:09:50,628 The Shirazis are from Milwaukee, so technically, they're midwesterners. 228 00:09:50,663 --> 00:09:54,099 And their security package includes multiple cameras, 229 00:09:54,133 --> 00:09:56,334 one of which happens to capture your front lawn. 230 00:09:56,402 --> 00:09:59,903 Maybe I should rethink that loose robe I wear when I pick up the newspaper. 231 00:09:59,938 --> 00:10:02,907 Why? Then we'd have to pay the paper boy. 232 00:10:02,942 --> 00:10:05,342 A lot of your neighbors have security cameras now, 233 00:10:05,376 --> 00:10:08,779 so I get a pretty clear overview of what's happening on our street. 234 00:10:08,813 --> 00:10:10,114 So you're snooping on all of us? 235 00:10:10,149 --> 00:10:12,817 So you're not just a brother. You're big brother. 236 00:10:12,850 --> 00:10:14,586 Oh, I don't like any of this. 237 00:10:14,620 --> 00:10:16,354 Who... who else has seen this footage? 238 00:10:16,388 --> 00:10:17,522 A lot of folks. 239 00:10:17,556 --> 00:10:19,823 The whole neighborhood is worried about Tigger. 240 00:10:19,857 --> 00:10:22,293 Well, maybe the whole neighborhood should take him inside. 241 00:10:22,327 --> 00:10:24,828 I want you to take that camera down. 242 00:10:24,863 --> 00:10:27,831 No, no. It's the Shirazis' right to protect their home. 243 00:10:27,865 --> 00:10:31,269 Legally, you have no expectation of privacy in your front yard. 244 00:10:31,302 --> 00:10:34,438 How would you feel if everywhere you went, people were watching you? 245 00:10:34,472 --> 00:10:37,709 I'm a black man in suburbia. People are always watching me. 246 00:10:46,171 --> 00:10:48,639 I like that cat. He's like the neighborhood greeter. 247 00:10:48,673 --> 00:10:49,874 Always makes me feel welcome. 248 00:10:49,908 --> 00:10:52,143 Well, Vanessa killed it. 249 00:10:53,077 --> 00:10:55,245 Look, this whole Tigger thing is a nightmare. 250 00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,213 The whole street is giving me dirty looks... 251 00:10:57,249 --> 00:11:00,451 except for Bob Ashby, who's giving me filthy looks, 252 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:03,520 you know, 'cause of the whole loose-bathrobe thing. 253 00:11:03,554 --> 00:11:06,423 Well, welcome to our surveillance culture. 254 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:09,427 We have to assume we're being recorded 24/7. 255 00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,195 Oh, hello, NSA. 256 00:11:11,229 --> 00:11:13,831 Nope, not making a bomb here. Just some mu shu. 257 00:11:13,865 --> 00:11:17,668 You just said "shu" and "bomb" in the same sentence. 258 00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:21,404 Prepare to be cavity-searched for the rest of your life at the airport. 259 00:11:21,438 --> 00:11:24,707 For the record, he's not actually part of our family. 260 00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:25,909 It's not just cameras. 261 00:11:25,943 --> 00:11:29,212 They're listening to our phone calls and reading our e-mails. 262 00:11:29,246 --> 00:11:32,316 2015 is now "1984." 263 00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:34,851 I'd rather it was 1984. Reagan would still be president. 264 00:11:34,885 --> 00:11:38,054 I could get my parachute pants on and say, "U can't touch this." 265 00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:40,890 If you haven't done anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about. 266 00:11:40,924 --> 00:11:44,427 Unless you have skeletons in your closet... Cat or otherwise. 267 00:11:45,864 --> 00:11:48,331 Oh. It's Carol Larabee. Excuse me. 268 00:11:48,399 --> 00:11:49,832 You know, the way I see it, 269 00:11:49,868 --> 00:11:52,235 Uncle Sam can flip through my e-mails all he wants 270 00:11:52,269 --> 00:11:57,006 if it helps him blow those isis bastards to smoldering bits of terrorist goo. 271 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,408 Who's hungry? 272 00:11:58,442 --> 00:12:01,144 Even if we hurt them, they still hurt us 273 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:04,047 'cause they make us compromise our freedom. 274 00:12:04,081 --> 00:12:05,783 Ben Franklin said it best. 275 00:12:05,817 --> 00:12:09,285 "Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither." 276 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,355 Or was that aretha Franklin? 277 00:12:12,990 --> 00:12:15,091 Who's on the $100 bill? 278 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,094 It's not just the government snooping around. 279 00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:18,761 Google takes pictures of our houses. 280 00:12:18,796 --> 00:12:21,063 They keep track of what we eat at the grocery store. 281 00:12:21,099 --> 00:12:22,865 I am sick and tired of the judgy looks 282 00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:26,036 when the haagen-dazs coupons come flying out of the register. 283 00:12:26,070 --> 00:12:30,240 It is ice-cream coupon after ice-cream coupon after ice-cream coupon. 284 00:12:30,274 --> 00:12:33,043 Sounds like Ryan's the judgy one. 285 00:12:33,076 --> 00:12:34,878 It's your generation that brought this on. 286 00:12:34,912 --> 00:12:38,414 You gave up your privacy to get overnight delivery and 15% off. 287 00:12:38,448 --> 00:12:41,150 What's the alternative? Go off the grid? 288 00:12:41,184 --> 00:12:42,018 Yeah. 289 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,320 We'd live up in the mountains 290 00:12:43,354 --> 00:12:46,123 in a house made out of old tires and ice-cream cartons. 291 00:12:46,157 --> 00:12:48,792 The ice cream was for Boyd's birthday party! 292 00:12:48,826 --> 00:12:51,894 Great... now Carol Larabee canceled coffee with me tomorrow. 293 00:12:51,928 --> 00:12:54,597 She says she's sick, but I know it's because of that damn cat. 294 00:12:54,631 --> 00:12:55,899 Or... or she's sick. 295 00:12:55,932 --> 00:12:57,634 I wish. 296 00:12:57,668 --> 00:12:59,635 I tell you, if this whole thing doesn't blow over, 297 00:12:59,669 --> 00:13:01,638 I'm just gonna move away, start a whole new life. 298 00:13:01,672 --> 00:13:04,274 You could just stand in the driveway with your thumb out in that bathrobe. 299 00:13:04,307 --> 00:13:06,875 I'm sure Bob ashby would take you anywhere you wanted to go. 300 00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:08,445 Oh! Oh, there he is! 301 00:13:08,479 --> 00:13:10,279 There he is! He's alive! 302 00:13:10,313 --> 00:13:12,148 It's Tigger! Look, look, look, look! 303 00:13:12,182 --> 00:13:13,182 Where? Where? 304 00:13:13,216 --> 00:13:15,085 He was... he was right there. 305 00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:16,293 I saw him. Come on, you saw him, too, right? 306 00:13:16,323 --> 00:13:16,586 No. 307 00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:17,921 He was right there. 308 00:13:17,955 --> 00:13:20,756 Girls, just tell your mom you saw the cat. 309 00:13:20,791 --> 00:13:22,958 You know what she's capable of. 310 00:13:26,831 --> 00:13:28,331 Hey, hon. 311 00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:29,466 Has the mail come yet? 312 00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,601 I'm running a little low on bathroom literature. 313 00:13:32,635 --> 00:13:33,937 Check it for yourself. 314 00:13:33,971 --> 00:13:36,239 Whoa. 315 00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:38,307 Somebody went postal on our mailbox? 316 00:13:38,341 --> 00:13:39,709 Yeah. 317 00:13:39,743 --> 00:13:42,044 Somebody knocked it off the post last night. 318 00:13:42,078 --> 00:13:44,514 You know, honey, I think one of the neighbors is trying to send me a message. 319 00:13:44,548 --> 00:13:46,883 Send you a message over a missing cat? 320 00:13:46,917 --> 00:13:49,719 Look, the neighborhood hostility toward me is just getting worse. 321 00:13:49,753 --> 00:13:53,121 Okay, Mrs. Conroy, that old lady who wears all those weird cat sweatshirts... 322 00:13:53,157 --> 00:13:55,390 Yeah... Just brought over these brownies. 323 00:13:55,426 --> 00:13:58,126 I'm afraid to try them. Tell me if they smell weird. 324 00:13:58,162 --> 00:13:59,562 That's ridiculous. 325 00:13:59,596 --> 00:14:01,397 I'm not gonna live in fear of baked goods. It's just brownies. 326 00:14:01,432 --> 00:14:03,032 Have the girls try them. 327 00:14:05,101 --> 00:14:06,168 But not Eve. 328 00:14:07,370 --> 00:14:10,039 I just would feel better if I knew who knocked down that mailbox. 329 00:14:10,774 --> 00:14:12,408 Wait a minute. 330 00:14:12,442 --> 00:14:13,743 I got an idea. 331 00:14:13,777 --> 00:14:16,611 Unfortunately, it involves making nice with Larabee. 332 00:14:17,947 --> 00:14:19,248 Give me the brownies. 333 00:14:28,357 --> 00:14:29,825 Ah. Hello, Baxter. 334 00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:31,092 Hey, Chuck. 335 00:14:31,128 --> 00:14:34,897 Brought you a little thing for, uh... Black history month. 336 00:14:34,932 --> 00:14:36,731 Brownies. 337 00:14:36,767 --> 00:14:38,600 Very clever. 338 00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:41,703 You know, there's a fine line between offensive and clever, 339 00:14:41,738 --> 00:14:43,673 and I think I walk it pretty well. 340 00:14:43,706 --> 00:14:46,042 Not as well as you think. 341 00:14:47,443 --> 00:14:49,378 So, you still worked up about the cameras? 342 00:14:49,413 --> 00:14:51,212 No, no, no. Actually... 343 00:14:51,248 --> 00:14:52,947 I need a little favor with the cameras. 344 00:14:52,982 --> 00:14:54,616 Someone ran into my mailbox last night, 345 00:14:54,650 --> 00:14:56,719 and I'd like to see if you got any footage of it. 346 00:14:56,753 --> 00:14:58,086 Well, well, well. 347 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,057 First, I'm big brother. Now I'm the belle of the ball. 348 00:15:01,091 --> 00:15:03,759 That must have been some butt-ugly ball if you... 349 00:15:03,793 --> 00:15:05,059 Can I just see the footage? 350 00:15:05,095 --> 00:15:06,461 Fine. All right. 351 00:15:06,495 --> 00:15:09,164 But just because I care about neighborhood security 352 00:15:09,198 --> 00:15:11,933 and I know the brownies are your way of apologizing. 353 00:15:11,967 --> 00:15:13,101 Yeah, you got me. 354 00:15:13,135 --> 00:15:15,270 So, where's the command center? 355 00:15:15,304 --> 00:15:16,337 Right here. 356 00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:18,106 Yeah! 357 00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:21,110 Every 8-year-old in town has a command center just like this. 358 00:15:21,144 --> 00:15:22,110 Uh-huh. 359 00:15:22,144 --> 00:15:24,413 The Shirazi feed from last night. 360 00:15:24,447 --> 00:15:26,248 - After 12:00 midnight. - Okay. 361 00:15:26,283 --> 00:15:28,450 Here we go. 362 00:15:28,485 --> 00:15:31,986 Looks like a Prius hybrid pulls up at 1:02 A.M. 363 00:15:32,022 --> 00:15:34,690 Yeah, just 'cause it saves gas, they think they're above the law, huh? 364 00:15:34,724 --> 00:15:35,624 Mm-hmm. 365 00:15:35,658 --> 00:15:37,426 But he didn't hit your mailbox. 366 00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:40,095 Ooh. Looks like Mr. Prius is hitting something. 367 00:15:41,965 --> 00:15:43,532 My daughter, Mandy. 368 00:15:43,566 --> 00:15:45,000 Oh. Uh... Yeah. 369 00:15:45,034 --> 00:15:46,701 And that wasn't Kyle, was it? 370 00:15:46,735 --> 00:15:47,936 No, it wasn't. 371 00:15:47,971 --> 00:15:50,438 But we still don't know who hit your mailbox. 372 00:15:50,472 --> 00:15:53,207 Uh, isn't that Mrs. Conroy in the cat sweater? 373 00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:54,809 Yep. There she is. She's down the str... 374 00:15:54,844 --> 00:15:55,811 Whoa! 375 00:15:55,879 --> 00:15:57,546 Whoa! Oh! 376 00:15:57,580 --> 00:15:58,846 Man. 377 00:15:58,881 --> 00:16:00,515 Oooh! 378 00:16:00,549 --> 00:16:01,817 Oh! 379 00:16:01,850 --> 00:16:04,485 You may not want to eat that brownie. 380 00:16:11,408 --> 00:16:13,909 Mike, you are absolutely sure you saw them kiss? 381 00:16:13,943 --> 00:16:15,278 I mean, this isn't like the time you swore 382 00:16:15,312 --> 00:16:18,313 you saw Nancy Pelosi rifling through a dumpster, is it? 383 00:16:18,347 --> 00:16:21,549 Pelosi never denied that. 384 00:16:21,585 --> 00:16:23,152 And yes, I recognize our daughter. 385 00:16:23,186 --> 00:16:25,153 It was her in the car kissing some dude. 386 00:16:25,187 --> 00:16:26,355 This is why she was so eager 387 00:16:26,389 --> 00:16:28,356 to give Kyle the weekend off from their relationship. 388 00:16:28,392 --> 00:16:29,792 She's living it up in our driveway, 389 00:16:29,826 --> 00:16:32,927 and that poor guy is stuck at a bachelor party in Vegas. 390 00:16:36,298 --> 00:16:39,701 You know what I'm eager to do? Forget about this whole thing. 391 00:16:39,735 --> 00:16:41,302 Mandy has to be honest with Kyle. 392 00:16:41,337 --> 00:16:42,804 Honey, we need to talk to her. 393 00:16:42,838 --> 00:16:44,840 No. We need to stay out of this. 394 00:16:44,875 --> 00:16:46,841 If she is over Kyle, she needs to tell him. 395 00:16:46,876 --> 00:16:48,043 - No, she doesn't. - She... 396 00:16:48,077 --> 00:16:50,211 Maybe she's moved on to a guy with more of a future. 397 00:16:50,246 --> 00:16:51,147 What?! 398 00:16:51,181 --> 00:16:55,417 She couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a guy with more of a future. 399 00:16:55,451 --> 00:16:58,821 We could test it out if we knew where you buried Tigger. 400 00:16:58,855 --> 00:16:59,989 Oh! You know what? 401 00:17:00,023 --> 00:17:01,956 You keep it up, and you might just join him. 402 00:17:01,991 --> 00:17:04,492 I just think there's certain things that should remain private. 403 00:17:08,097 --> 00:17:09,964 Like that. 404 00:17:11,468 --> 00:17:13,536 Hi, Kyle. Welcome back. 405 00:17:13,569 --> 00:17:16,204 I've been counting the minutes since you left, 406 00:17:16,239 --> 00:17:21,376 which has been very hard for me because it's math. 407 00:17:21,411 --> 00:17:23,378 I wish you could have come. I saw this amazing show. 408 00:17:23,413 --> 00:17:24,380 Yeah? 409 00:17:24,413 --> 00:17:26,448 The dancers only had on tiaras. 410 00:17:26,482 --> 00:17:27,782 Whoa. 411 00:17:27,817 --> 00:17:29,917 But it didn't seem wrong, 'cause they were poodles. 412 00:17:29,952 --> 00:17:31,920 Oh! 413 00:17:31,954 --> 00:17:34,722 Well, those poodles are somebody's daughters. 414 00:17:34,758 --> 00:17:38,227 You, uh, you get in any trouble in Vegas, Kyle? 415 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,261 Well, my cousin and his buddies went a little wild, 416 00:17:40,296 --> 00:17:44,365 but why go to clubs when you can watch fancy dogs crush a conga line? 417 00:17:45,634 --> 00:17:49,471 Well, I didn't do anything while you were gone, except for miss you. 418 00:17:49,506 --> 00:17:53,208 Kyle, will you be a dear and get me a soda out of the fridge in the garage? 419 00:17:53,242 --> 00:17:54,643 Yeah, okay. 420 00:17:54,676 --> 00:17:58,814 Uh, for the record, a deer could never fetch a soda. 421 00:17:58,847 --> 00:18:01,517 What you need around here are some poodles. 422 00:18:03,819 --> 00:18:05,019 - Honey... - Hmm? 423 00:18:05,054 --> 00:18:08,390 I-if you're having second thoughts about Kyle, you need to be honest with him. 424 00:18:08,423 --> 00:18:10,459 What? 425 00:18:10,492 --> 00:18:13,362 Well, your dad saw you kiss that guy in the Prius. 426 00:18:15,632 --> 00:18:18,133 Oh, my God. You were looking out the window, spying on me? 427 00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:19,534 No! 428 00:18:19,568 --> 00:18:22,604 I was watching a surveillance camera at Larabee's house. 429 00:18:22,638 --> 00:18:25,707 Seriously, dad, this is so none of your business. 430 00:18:25,741 --> 00:18:26,741 Right... wasn't. 431 00:18:26,776 --> 00:18:30,077 But... cat's out of the bag now. 432 00:18:30,113 --> 00:18:30,979 Oh, God! 433 00:18:31,013 --> 00:18:32,114 It's just an expression. 434 00:18:32,147 --> 00:18:33,714 There's so many of them. 435 00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:35,017 Mandy. Honey, wait a minute. 436 00:18:35,050 --> 00:18:37,152 No. You know what? It's so unfair that I live here. 437 00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:39,287 My friends on campus get away with way worse stuff, 438 00:18:39,322 --> 00:18:41,256 and their parents never have to know about it. 439 00:18:41,289 --> 00:18:42,891 I want to be one of those kind of parents. 440 00:18:42,924 --> 00:18:44,286 All right. You know what, sweetie? 441 00:18:44,292 --> 00:18:45,961 It's not the worst thing in the world, okay? 442 00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:49,396 You're not married, y-you're not engaged, and it was just a kiss. 443 00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:52,567 Right? It was... was just a kiss, right? 444 00:18:52,602 --> 00:18:53,501 Here you are. 445 00:18:53,536 --> 00:18:55,237 Ah. Kyle. Uh, you know what? 446 00:18:55,270 --> 00:18:56,770 I-I actually wanted a cream soda. 447 00:18:56,806 --> 00:18:59,773 Uh, I think there's one in the fridge way, way, way in the back. 448 00:18:59,808 --> 00:19:01,476 Oh. Wish you'd told me. 449 00:19:01,510 --> 00:19:03,979 I'm not a mind reader. 450 00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:07,648 Unlike that bulldog with the crystal ball. 451 00:19:07,717 --> 00:19:09,483 Mandy, honey, what is going on? 452 00:19:09,518 --> 00:19:10,451 Nothing. 453 00:19:10,486 --> 00:19:11,452 Mandy, come on. 454 00:19:11,487 --> 00:19:12,653 Okay. 455 00:19:12,688 --> 00:19:15,723 There was this fashion exhibit at the art museum, 456 00:19:15,758 --> 00:19:17,892 and this guy in my class asked me out, 457 00:19:17,926 --> 00:19:20,729 and I-I figured that one date couldn't hurt, 458 00:19:20,762 --> 00:19:23,230 especially if Kyle was getting the same deal. 459 00:19:23,265 --> 00:19:25,500 I was just... curious. 460 00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:27,568 Curious, huh? 461 00:19:27,603 --> 00:19:29,770 You know what they say curiosity killed? 462 00:19:33,875 --> 00:19:36,877 I ended up thinking about Kyle the whole time anyway, 463 00:19:36,912 --> 00:19:39,012 even when that dude was kissing me. 464 00:19:39,048 --> 00:19:42,150 Well, you went out with a guy from the fashion class. 465 00:19:42,183 --> 00:19:44,919 He was probably thinking about Kyle, too. 466 00:19:46,221 --> 00:19:47,989 But that guy, he doesn't mean anything to me. 467 00:19:48,022 --> 00:19:49,891 I just hope that I haven't screwed everything up. 468 00:19:49,924 --> 00:19:51,925 All right, well, I think we all know what you need to do. 469 00:19:51,961 --> 00:19:53,627 - Yeah, I do. I have to tell him. - Absolutely. 470 00:19:53,662 --> 00:19:55,730 - Absolutely not. - Oh. Oh. No, I know. 471 00:19:55,763 --> 00:19:57,298 - You don't know anything. - What are you telling... no, yeah, no. 472 00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:58,566 Your idea is to pretend it never happened 473 00:19:58,601 --> 00:19:59,733 and just forget about it... is that it? 474 00:19:59,768 --> 00:20:01,234 What's the good of her telling him? 475 00:20:01,269 --> 00:20:03,003 Makes her feel better and he feels horrible. 476 00:20:03,038 --> 00:20:04,872 He's a depressed guy walking around my store. 477 00:20:04,906 --> 00:20:06,907 We have guns there. 478 00:20:06,942 --> 00:20:11,078 Dad, if I don't tell Kyle, I'm gonna feel horrible. 479 00:20:11,113 --> 00:20:13,413 Well, maybe you should. 480 00:20:14,849 --> 00:20:17,818 Hey, Mrs. B. I couldn't find a cream soda. 481 00:20:17,853 --> 00:20:19,019 Yeah, uh, don't worry. 482 00:20:19,054 --> 00:20:21,088 It's, uh, it's time for wine anyway. 483 00:20:21,123 --> 00:20:23,191 Kyle, I need to tell you something. 484 00:20:23,224 --> 00:20:24,192 Yeah, what is it? 485 00:20:26,361 --> 00:20:27,194 Um... 486 00:20:30,632 --> 00:20:31,865 I love you. 487 00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:33,901 Don't ever go away again. 488 00:20:35,103 --> 00:20:37,270 Well, I'm not going back to Vegas anytime soon. 489 00:20:37,306 --> 00:20:38,271 Good. 490 00:20:38,307 --> 00:20:41,942 Oh, and I, uh, lost that 20 bucks you asked me to bet for you. 491 00:20:41,977 --> 00:20:43,544 Don't worry about it. The house always wins. 492 00:20:43,578 --> 00:20:45,413 Oh, no, I-I didn't lose it like that. 493 00:20:45,447 --> 00:20:47,114 I dropped it running for my life. 494 00:20:47,148 --> 00:20:48,182 What? 495 00:20:48,215 --> 00:20:50,250 Yeah, I'm going in this casino... 496 00:20:50,285 --> 00:20:51,786 A volcano erupted. 497 00:20:54,990 --> 00:20:59,093 Yeah, I grabbed a couple little kids and took off. 498 00:21:00,305 --> 00:21:06,674 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org