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"Last Man Standing" was recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
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00:00:05,984 --> 00:00:08,285
(Sighs)
3
00:00:08,385 --> 00:00:11,255
Happy Sunday, sir. And Mrs. sir.
4
00:00:11,355 --> 00:00:12,923
Kyle, we're not married.
5
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We're just having a baby together.
6
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How old-fashioned do you think we are?
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- Thanks for the lift, honey.
- Yeah.
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It's a pleasure driving
you anywhere, Eddie.
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I don't know how I'm gonna get home
without someone telling me I'm too close
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00:00:24,568 --> 00:00:25,736
to the car in front of me.
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One car length for every 10 Miles an hour.
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Remember, you're carrying precious cargo.
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I know. Your conga drums are in the back.
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(Both smooch)
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All right. Have a good day.
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(Grunting) There we go. All right.
17
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So, what's this morning's mystery pastry?
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- Okay, I don't want to give it away...
- Uh-huh.
19
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...but bear in mind, an animal would
love to get his claws on this.
20
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I'm gonna go with "bearclaw."
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No, it's an apple fritter.
22
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Get it?
23
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Bears fritter away their day eating apples.
24
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What kind of a crazy bear
would eat his own claw?
25
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It's awfully early for this, son.
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(Sighs)
27
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Another day is rising on my kingdom.
28
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(Chuckles) I-I treasure
the chance to inspect
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my domain before all the
customers arrive, huh?
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Yeah.
31
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Yeah. It's beautiful like this.
32
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I wish the store could
always be totally empty.
33
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That's a solid business plan.
34
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All right, store opens in an hour.
35
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Take a look around and
tell me what you see.
36
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Yep. Okay, well, I spy
with my little eye...
37
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Stop it. Do it right. Come on.
38
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Um, well, the spacing on the
jacket rack is uneven, sir.
39
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That's good. Good. What else?
40
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Oh, there's a mannequin down.
41
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Ooh, never good in the hunting department.
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Sends the wrong message.
43
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Looks like his buddy sent
him to mannequin heaven, huh?
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Oh, no. Mannequins don't go to heaven, sir.
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They're not people or owls.
46
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Ah, I see.
47
00:01:54,991 --> 00:01:56,893
I know these Sunday morning walk-throughs
48
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are important to you, but
I do miss going to church.
49
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Uh-huh. And my pastor brought up that
I've been missing a lot of services.
50
00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:05,801
Hmm, well, tell your
pastor you work Sundays
51
00:02:05,903 --> 00:02:07,537
and that he sounds a little pushy.
52
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Huh?
53
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Did I ever tell you about the
time I met Sammy Davis Jr.?
54
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It was in the produce department of a
supermarket in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
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That's when I realized you never slap a
guy with a glass eye on the back, no.
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(Stammers)
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E-especially near the grapes.
58
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I mean... (Chuckles)
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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
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Oh-ho-ho.
(Laughter)
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Hey. What's so funny?
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Can't be anything your mom said.
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You know, insulting the
person making your stew?
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That is pretty "stew-pid."
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(Chuckles)
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You just make my point.
Really, what's so funny?
67
00:02:46,477 --> 00:02:49,945
Mandy's just showing us
selfies on her phone. Oh.
68
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Mandy: I'm not showing them all my selfies.
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Don't scroll too far to the
right please. Ew, ew, ew.
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Thank you.
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Okay, #sundaydinner withmybeautifulfam.
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Dad! No, you're in my shot.
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The most over-documented generation ever.
74
00:03:03,860 --> 00:03:06,862
Neil Armstrong landed on the moon,
only took five pictures of himself.
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Mandy takes five of herself
just walking out the door.
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Ah, to be fair, many of my fashion
choices are a giant leap for mankind.
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Wait, so, that Armstrong
guy walked on the moon
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and he won the tour de France?
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Maybe I should try steroids.
80
00:03:22,246 --> 00:03:24,479
You should try something.
81
00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:26,147
You know what? I agree
with you about selfies.
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The Internet is cluttered
with worthless images.
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Sorry. Worthless? Try
telling that to my 50 likes.
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(Chuckles)
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Actually, I do take a lot of selfies
when I'm driving my beer truck.
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But I'm using them to make a statement.
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What's the statement?
88
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"I drive an 18-wheeler with my knee"?
89
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You know what?
90
00:03:41,098 --> 00:03:42,764
You need to be careful
when you're on the road.
91
00:03:42,865 --> 00:03:45,935
We wouldn't want anything to
happen to all that cold beer.
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I pull over along my route and
I take these protests selfies.
93
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He's drawing attention
to various injustices.
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Mm-hmm. Ooh, thanks.
95
00:03:52,209 --> 00:03:56,078
This is me at Warren Air Force Base,
where we stockpile our nukes.
96
00:03:56,179 --> 00:03:57,079
Nice job, hippie.
97
00:03:57,180 --> 00:03:59,014
Why don't you just draw ISIS a map?
98
00:04:00,584 --> 00:04:05,520
And this is me in front of the "our lady
of the rockies" statue in Butte, Montana.
99
00:04:05,622 --> 00:04:07,656
"These mountains already had religion"?
100
00:04:07,757 --> 00:04:08,924
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
101
00:04:09,025 --> 00:04:12,493
Yeah, a group of christians put up a
90-foot statue of the Virgin Mary.
102
00:04:12,596 --> 00:04:13,929
It's in mountains sacred
to native Americans, okay?
103
00:04:14,030 --> 00:04:16,598
- It's an affront.
- Mm. I don't know.
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00:04:16,699 --> 00:04:21,603
Any woman willing to give birth without
getting to have sex deserves a statue.
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It's not cool to disrespect anyone's mom.
106
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Especially Jesus'.
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It is the native Americans who
have been disrespected, okay?
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I'm just spreading the word like
you do with your Vlogs, Mike.
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I just sell hunting and camping gear.
110
00:04:32,749 --> 00:04:35,550
While criticizing the failed
policies of our president.
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00:04:35,651 --> 00:04:37,386
So the Vlogs work. You admit he failed.
112
00:04:38,721 --> 00:04:40,622
Oh, man, Ryan, you only got two likes?
113
00:04:40,723 --> 00:04:42,990
That's really sad. You got
to up your hashtag game.
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Try stuff like #hot, #love, #side-boob.
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00:04:48,630 --> 00:04:53,401
#goingtohellfortalkingabout
virginmaryandside-boobs.
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It's not fair that he
can say whatever he wants
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00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,540
about Jesus and his 90-foot mom.
118
00:04:58,641 --> 00:05:01,709
The first amendment,
kid... free speech.
119
00:05:01,810 --> 00:05:03,651
You know, even if it's
the speech of a jackass.
120
00:05:04,747 --> 00:05:06,882
Do I have an amendment
for my freedom of religion?
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00:05:06,983 --> 00:05:09,218
(Chuckling) It's the same one.
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You can practice whatever
religion you want.
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Nobody can tell you any different.
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Oh, thanks, Mr. B.
125
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I-I didn't write it.
126
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You know what? And thank
you for supporting my right
127
00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:20,062
to be a jackass and speak my
mind. It means a lot to me.
128
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And I'll call you a jackass
anytime you want me to.
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"Jackass."
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Sounds like Ryan's got
a new nickname, Mr. B.
131
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(Chuckling) That's just
'cause dumbass was taken.
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(Chuckling) Oh, man, you
dodged a bullet there, Ryan.
133
00:05:37,447 --> 00:05:39,680
Hey, dad, a couple more
things about the restaurant.
134
00:05:39,781 --> 00:05:41,115
So, for the liquor license,
135
00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:44,185
we need to decide between just
beer and wine or a full bar.
136
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We're getting people used
to yak meat... full bar.
137
00:05:47,122 --> 00:05:48,689
Oh, I'll get on it.
138
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Oh, and the contractor thinks
that we should close the store
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for two full days while we demo.
140
00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:54,228
Ed's too cheap for that.
141
00:05:54,329 --> 00:05:56,064
I have a hard time getting him
to shut the place down at night.
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Go to the warehouse,
143
00:05:57,466 --> 00:05:59,201
we'll just get the barriers
up that say "pardon our mess."
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Or better yet, borrow
them from the White House.
145
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,310
Hey, Mr. Alzate, I wanted to talk to you
146
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:09,810
about our Sunday-morning walk-throughs.
147
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,713
Yes, me too, Kyle. No more apple fritters.
148
00:06:12,814 --> 00:06:14,014
All right?
149
00:06:14,115 --> 00:06:18,386
I didn't realize how important that
bran muffin was to the rest of my week.
150
00:06:18,487 --> 00:06:20,889
No, I've decided I'm not
coming in on Sundays anymore.
151
00:06:20,990 --> 00:06:22,624
It's the lord's day of rest.
152
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Yes, it's the lord's day of rest.
153
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You create the universe in six days,
you can take Sunday off, too.
154
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But I want to exercise
my freedom of religion.
155
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Where are you getting this nonsense?
156
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The constitution.
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And an even higher authority... Mr. B.
158
00:06:39,175 --> 00:06:42,076
Well, I admire this new assertive attitude.
159
00:06:42,177 --> 00:06:44,312
It's exactly the kind
of thing I'll look for
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in the guy I hire to replace you.
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Wait. So you're saying no?
162
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Don't worry. I'll put in a
good word for you with the lord.
163
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:56,356
All right? Chances are I'll
be seeing him before you do.
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Unless you keep bugging me about this.
165
00:06:58,461 --> 00:06:59,627
But you can't do that.
166
00:06:59,728 --> 00:07:01,129
Please, please, end of discussion.
167
00:07:01,230 --> 00:07:02,297
- Ed.
- Yeah?
168
00:07:02,398 --> 00:07:03,877
I need to talk to you about... whoa!
169
00:07:03,899 --> 00:07:05,266
What? Did you rob a pharmacy?
170
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,935
Mm.
171
00:07:07,036 --> 00:07:09,504
I require a lot of maintenance.
172
00:07:09,605 --> 00:07:10,838
I want to talk about the Outdoor Man Grill.
173
00:07:10,939 --> 00:07:11,872
Excuse us for a minute.
174
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,307
No, Mike, I've got a headache.
175
00:07:13,408 --> 00:07:16,144
Hey, I-I'll pray for
your headache, Mr. Alzate.
176
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If God even remembers who I am.
177
00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:20,214
What's with the kid?
178
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,550
Oh, Kyle wants Sunday off.
179
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:26,653
Someone put it in his head that
it's his constitutional right.
180
00:07:26,754 --> 00:07:28,555
So what's the problem
letting him have Sunday off?
181
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,391
You could get somebody
else to come by the store
182
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,726
and read stories to the trout.
183
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,896
It's a slippery slope, Mike.
184
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,463
People like slippery slopes.
185
00:07:36,564 --> 00:07:38,466
Just try to go to vail on the weekend.
186
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:42,302
If I give Kyle the day off, everybody
else will want their holiday,
187
00:07:42,403 --> 00:07:44,639
and this hanukkah can pop up anytime.
188
00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:47,307
They're always moving it
around. I don't trust it.
189
00:07:47,408 --> 00:07:50,343
You give guys the day off
to go to the Broncos games.
190
00:07:50,446 --> 00:07:51,913
That's 16 times a year.
191
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:55,582
Well, let's not forget
the one playoff game.
192
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:57,718
What's really going on with you right now?
193
00:07:57,819 --> 00:07:59,387
I'm trying to run a business. Yeah?
194
00:07:59,487 --> 00:08:00,887
Kyle works Sundays, and that's it!
195
00:08:00,988 --> 00:08:03,591
Well, if you get cranky about it, maybe
I'll take the rest of the day off.
196
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,927
I think it actually is hanukkah.
197
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,762
Guys, check it out...
Because of my advice,
198
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:20,500
Ryan is up to 2,000 followers
for his protest against statues.
199
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,867
What?
200
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:26,372
That's only 27 million less than that
chain-smoking baby on the Internet.
201
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,841
Babies can smoke?
202
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,509
Yes, Boyd.
203
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,946
Because constantly throwing up and pooping
204
00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:35,081
doesn't make them disgusting enough.
205
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:38,051
Why don't you go upstairs
and play before dinner, okay?
206
00:08:38,152 --> 00:08:39,418
Okay.
207
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,088
It's great that Ryan's selfies
are starting to have an impact.
208
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,857
He's been traveling so much, he's
had to neglect his other causes.
209
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,059
I know.
210
00:08:47,161 --> 00:08:49,962
Now's the time to chop down the
rainforests and pig out on dolphin.
211
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,532
Do not say that around dad.
212
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,667
He'll want to serve dolphin
burgers at Outdoor Man Grill.
213
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:55,802
Vanessa: All right, you know what?
214
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:59,806
Let's get politics out before dinner
because I am making a Greek salad here,
215
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,140
which somehow your father
will turn into a lecture
216
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:04,110
on the decline of the euro.
217
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,446
I've noticed a decline
in Euros lately, too.
218
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:10,081
I think they're getting really
stingy with that yogurt sauce.
219
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:13,219
Well, look who's all dressed up. Wow! Yeah.
220
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,620
Who died?
221
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,522
Jesus.
222
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,991
Yeah, for our sins. But then he came back.
223
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:21,894
There's a whole book about it.
224
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,296
How was church, babe?
225
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,496
Oh, real good.
226
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,499
I hadn't been to a Sunday
morning service in months.
227
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:31,102
And the sermon was
great. We are all doomed.
228
00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:35,140
Whoa. Hey, babe, I thought you
were on a delivery run to Yuma.
229
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,076
I have been suspended.
230
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:40,078
My protest pics have come
to the attention of the man.
231
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:43,415
And the man is coming down on me, man.
232
00:09:43,517 --> 00:09:45,918
Oh, I am really sorry to hear that, man.
233
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,988
Oh, God, now you got me saying it.
234
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,157
Maybe you shouldn't
have gone up against God.
235
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,658
He can be very vengeful.
236
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,659
I thought that God was pure love.
237
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,462
Yeah, but he's not a big wuss about it.
238
00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:59,932
Wait, wait, wait. How long
are you gonna be suspended?
239
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,432
Just till I take down the protest selfies.
240
00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:03,601
You know, and finally when I'm
starting to connect with people,
241
00:10:03,702 --> 00:10:05,004
they take away my voice.
242
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,306
You're like the little
mermaid of beer-truck drivers.
243
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,143
Grocery store was packed.
244
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,479
Hey, what are you doing here?
245
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,714
Good to see you, too, Mike.
246
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:17,883
Kris said you couldn't
make it to Sunday dinner.
247
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:20,284
The only vegetable I got was chicken.
248
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,389
Ryan got suspended over
his protest selfies.
249
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,390
Yeah, he had to turn in his beaded backrest
250
00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:28,826
and his tiny, little
pine-tree air freshener.
251
00:10:28,927 --> 00:10:31,730
What are you gonna do?
You cannot lose that job.
252
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:33,565
I am gonna cave and take down the photos.
253
00:10:33,665 --> 00:10:35,834
That's a good choice.
254
00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:38,504
I thought you supported my
right to free speech, Mike?
255
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:42,139
I do, but I also support your company's
right to tell you to stuff it.
256
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:46,477
You know, you probably shouldn't have
worn your uniform in the selfies, genius.
257
00:10:46,578 --> 00:10:48,980
Not a lot of protests
are corporate sponsored.
258
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:52,317
Beer drinkers don't want to
know about world problems.
259
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,486
That's why they drink beer.
260
00:10:55,587 --> 00:10:58,322
You get to do your Vlogs and express
your opinion whenever you want.
261
00:10:58,423 --> 00:11:00,759
That's because management
approves of my message.
262
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:02,927
Of course, you're management.
263
00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:06,431
Well, that does streamline
the approval process.
264
00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:08,432
So, in America, if you really
want to have free speech,
265
00:11:08,533 --> 00:11:09,868
you need to be the boss.
266
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:12,770
Oh, look, Canada boy
just figured out America.
267
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,153
Maybe instead of picking a fight with God,
268
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:17,741
you could have come with me to church.
269
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,946
And the choir could have used another
tenor on "old rugged cross."
270
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,280
I'm really proud of Kyle.
271
00:11:23,381 --> 00:11:27,018
He stood up to Mr. Alzate and exercised
his right to worship as he sees fit.
272
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:31,389
I didn't go with him
because I didn't see fit.
273
00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:32,456
Good for you, Kyle.
274
00:11:32,557 --> 00:11:34,459
- Thanks, Mr. B.
- Yeah.
275
00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:36,628
Wait, so you support him
for standing up to Ed,
276
00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:38,263
but I have to roll over for my boss?
277
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:39,965
Bigger fan of Jesus than lefty politics.
278
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:41,966
What? Jesus was the original lefty.
279
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:44,134
I don't think I'd let the
hair and the sandals fool you.
280
00:11:44,235 --> 00:11:45,956
He had a lot of run-ins
with big government.
281
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:48,239
Well, thank you very much
for your support, Mike.
282
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,075
I'm back to saying that sarcastically.
283
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:52,476
Honey, honey, why don't you
come help me light the grill?
284
00:11:52,577 --> 00:11:53,745
Come on. You know how to light the grill.
285
00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:56,246
Seriously. You're gonna trust
me to touch your man stove?
286
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,315
- Okay.
- Come. Come.
287
00:11:57,415 --> 00:11:59,984
(Sighs) It's all right, Ryan.
288
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:02,620
Not everyone is lucky
enough to be a smoking baby.
289
00:12:03,855 --> 00:12:06,557
You know, Mike, both of those boys
are desperate for your approval.
290
00:12:06,658 --> 00:12:07,892
What are you talking about?
291
00:12:07,993 --> 00:12:11,229
All I do around here is dole out praise.
292
00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,230
By the way, you're doing this wrong.
293
00:12:13,331 --> 00:12:15,466
You're gonna blow yourself
up. You got to vent it.
294
00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:16,701
Go ahead.
295
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:19,203
Neither of them has had
much of a father in his life.
296
00:12:19,304 --> 00:12:22,005
And it's really hard for
Ryan when you favor Kyle.
297
00:12:22,106 --> 00:12:23,073
I know. It's sad.
298
00:12:23,174 --> 00:12:24,576
Yes, I know. I feel for Ryan.
299
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,244
No, it's sad for me.
300
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:30,347
If I'm choosing Kyle, it just
shows how bad my options are.
301
00:12:37,789 --> 00:12:38,923
Morning, Kyle.
302
00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:40,692
Morning, Mr. B.
303
00:12:43,761 --> 00:12:46,496
- Hey, Ed.
- Hmm?
304
00:12:46,597 --> 00:12:50,668
Why is Kyle washing your
truck in a bear costume?
305
00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:54,337
'Cause my car's dirty and it's funny.
306
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,008
Ed, that's true, but why the bikini?
307
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,876
Sex sells, Mikey.
308
00:12:59,977 --> 00:13:02,779
Kind of hard on Kyle
these days, aren't you?
309
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,615
We walk the store together Sunday mornings.
310
00:13:04,716 --> 00:13:06,049
It's important, right?
311
00:13:06,184 --> 00:13:08,351
He just wants to observe
the sabbath, right?
312
00:13:08,452 --> 00:13:11,188
Yeah, well, he can observe it through
the eye holes of a bear suit.
313
00:13:11,289 --> 00:13:12,657
He's lucky he still has a job.
314
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:15,927
He's lucky a male bear
doesn't see him in that bikini.
315
00:13:17,929 --> 00:13:19,730
Ed, come on. What's happening with you?
316
00:13:19,831 --> 00:13:22,667
It's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
317
00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:25,001
Okay, Kyle can have Sundays off.
318
00:13:25,102 --> 00:13:27,203
Now can you just leave me alone?
319
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,307
Ed, what's up?
320
00:13:30,408 --> 00:13:33,644
(Sighs)
321
00:13:33,745 --> 00:13:36,080
Wendi lost the baby.
322
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:44,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
323
00:13:45,990 --> 00:13:48,392
It happened a few days ago.
It was always a long shot.
324
00:13:48,493 --> 00:13:49,894
I guess I was...
325
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:53,364
I was stupid to get my hopes up.
326
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,966
I'm sorry, Ed.
327
00:13:57,068 --> 00:13:58,802
It was gonna be a boy, too.
328
00:13:58,903 --> 00:14:01,971
(Chuckles) My one and only son.
329
00:14:02,072 --> 00:14:03,640
Yeah.
330
00:14:05,277 --> 00:14:06,844
Anything I can do?
331
00:14:06,945 --> 00:14:08,611
Yeah, you can leave me alone.
332
00:14:24,256 --> 00:14:26,490
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
333
00:14:26,591 --> 00:14:28,351
I want to talk to you
today about an epidemic
334
00:14:28,427 --> 00:14:29,661
sweeping this country.
335
00:14:29,761 --> 00:14:31,996
And I don't mean the
"One Direction infection."
336
00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:33,465
(Laughter)
337
00:14:33,566 --> 00:14:36,134
I'm talking about dads
who've abandoned their kids.
338
00:14:36,235 --> 00:14:39,136
Really, calling you
"dads" is way too generous.
339
00:14:39,238 --> 00:14:42,373
You came to the party, but didn't
stick around to clean up the mess.
340
00:14:42,475 --> 00:14:46,376
That's right. Your kid's a
mess. And it's your fault.
341
00:14:46,479 --> 00:14:50,715
Boys from fatherless homes are more
likely to drop out of school, use drugs,
342
00:14:50,816 --> 00:14:52,884
and not send you an
ugly tie on father's day.
343
00:14:52,985 --> 00:14:56,221
They need dads, dads to
teach them how to be men.
344
00:14:56,322 --> 00:14:59,724
Stuff like throwing a ball, shaving
correctly, giving a firm handshake.
345
00:14:59,825 --> 00:15:02,559
And the most important
lesson... showing the hell up.
346
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:05,395
Running out on your son is a
slap in the face to all men,
347
00:15:05,496 --> 00:15:08,066
especially men who never
had a chance to raise one.
348
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,333
Curious...
349
00:15:09,434 --> 00:15:12,503
Six of our last eight
presidents only had daughters.
350
00:15:12,605 --> 00:15:15,840
Maybe it's something about
powerful, successful men.
351
00:15:15,941 --> 00:15:18,342
Did I mention that I have three daughters?
352
00:15:18,443 --> 00:15:21,346
Huh. One more than Obama.
353
00:15:21,447 --> 00:15:25,682
But you absentee fathers still
have time to make things right.
354
00:15:25,783 --> 00:15:28,852
Come down to Outdoor Man
for the "deadbeat dad day."
355
00:15:28,953 --> 00:15:31,522
Show us the court order
you're in violation of
356
00:15:31,623 --> 00:15:35,692
and we'll give you 15%
off and a kick in the ass.
357
00:15:35,793 --> 00:15:37,861
I'll throw that in for free.
358
00:15:37,962 --> 00:15:39,697
Buy a fishing pole, take him fishing.
359
00:15:39,798 --> 00:15:41,365
Buy him a tent and take him camping.
360
00:15:41,466 --> 00:15:45,202
Buy a boat because, damn it,
we need to sell some boats.
361
00:15:45,303 --> 00:15:49,539
Maybe one day your son will invite
you to his high-school graduation.
362
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,043
You might have to wear an ugly tie,
363
00:15:52,144 --> 00:15:55,278
but you'll wear it proudly,
'cause you earned it.
364
00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:04,254
Hey, you wanted to see me, Mr. B?
365
00:16:04,355 --> 00:16:06,123
Come on in. What happened to your bikini?
366
00:16:06,224 --> 00:16:09,793
Oh, I took it off. I looked ridiculous.
367
00:16:09,894 --> 00:16:14,798
Uh, listen, pull up an iceberg.
I got good news for you.
368
00:16:14,899 --> 00:16:16,419
You don't have to work Sunday anymore.
369
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:18,501
And this is okay with Mr. Alzate?
370
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:20,004
It was his idea.
371
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:21,838
And he didn't come by that decision easily.
372
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:24,340
I guess he likes walking around
the store with you on Sunday.
373
00:16:24,375 --> 00:16:26,277
That's like church to him.
374
00:16:26,378 --> 00:16:28,658
But I mean, he can get anybody
to walk the floor with him.
375
00:16:28,746 --> 00:16:31,014
I guess he likes walking around with you.
376
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,850
Really?
377
00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:36,519
Sometimes we're more important
to people than we really know.
378
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,154
But you're getting out
of the bear costume now.
379
00:16:38,222 --> 00:16:40,323
Right. Thank you. This thing is so hot.
380
00:16:40,424 --> 00:16:42,525
I don't know how polar bears wear them.
381
00:16:44,361 --> 00:16:50,868
You know, that must be why global
warming makes them so sad.
382
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,836
Some people think that's a myth.
383
00:16:52,937 --> 00:16:54,004
You can't fool me, Mr. B.
384
00:16:54,105 --> 00:16:57,640
Unlike reindeer, polar bears are real.
385
00:17:00,745 --> 00:17:01,745
(Knock on door)
386
00:17:04,281 --> 00:17:05,682
Dad. Hey, Kris.
387
00:17:05,782 --> 00:17:07,183
Hey. I wasn't expecting you.
388
00:17:07,285 --> 00:17:09,519
You weren't expecting Boyd.
You learned to love him.
389
00:17:09,621 --> 00:17:12,722
Yeah...
390
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,391
I'm actually here to see Ryan.
391
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:17,092
Is he in one of the two places in
this apartment that I can't see?
392
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,563
(Sighs) Honey? Will you be gentle, okay?
393
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:22,132
Those protests were
really important to him.
394
00:17:22,232 --> 00:17:23,866
It was like his boss took
away a part of who he is.
395
00:17:23,968 --> 00:17:25,434
The part that nobody likes.
396
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,740
Hey, Mike. To what do we owe this pleasure?
397
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:33,410
Now, why would you think this
was going to be a pleasure?
398
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,512
I hate to do this to you, but
I got to get to work, okay?
399
00:17:36,614 --> 00:17:37,814
Love you.
400
00:17:37,914 --> 00:17:41,483
I better not come home to
find my fiancé in that bag.
401
00:17:41,586 --> 00:17:44,019
I make no promises, honey.
402
00:17:44,121 --> 00:17:45,387
What's up?
403
00:17:45,489 --> 00:17:47,891
Why did you give up so quickly
on taking those selfies?
404
00:17:47,991 --> 00:17:49,271
That is important to you, right?
405
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,427
You told me I was doing the right thing.
406
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,063
Now I'm really confused, Mike.
407
00:17:53,163 --> 00:17:55,798
You're a lefty vegetarian.
You're a lot confused.
408
00:17:57,101 --> 00:17:58,835
What if I told you I have a way
409
00:17:58,935 --> 00:18:01,371
that you could take the
pictures and keep your job?
410
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:03,506
I'd say you were a genius.
411
00:18:03,606 --> 00:18:05,275
Go ahead. Say it. I want to hear it.
412
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,576
You're a genius.
413
00:18:06,676 --> 00:18:09,278
What are you doing?
Nobody likes a suck-up.
414
00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:16,190
How stupid do you think I am?
415
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,086
I put that on, you're
gonna try and shoot me.
416
00:18:21,192 --> 00:18:22,992
Seriously? You want me
to wear this bear head?
417
00:18:23,059 --> 00:18:25,300
You're lucky I didn't bring
the bikini that goes with it.
418
00:18:25,328 --> 00:18:29,699
With this bear head on, you can
take your pictures anonymously.
419
00:18:29,799 --> 00:18:31,134
Don't think of it as a silly costume.
420
00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:32,935
Think of it as more of a marketing tool.
421
00:18:33,037 --> 00:18:34,971
Isn't it cowardly not to show my face?
422
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:37,874
With that face, you're
doing people a favor, really.
423
00:18:37,974 --> 00:18:41,943
I mean, polar bears do represent
the destruction of the planet.
424
00:18:42,046 --> 00:18:43,078
There you go.
425
00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:45,059
Didn't take you long to
turn that into a bummer.
426
00:18:47,351 --> 00:18:50,318
From a branding point of view,
it's more effective this way.
427
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:51,820
"A bear that cares."
428
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:54,723
It's better than "cryin' Ryan from Canada."
429
00:18:54,825 --> 00:18:57,559
(Chuckles)
430
00:18:57,661 --> 00:18:59,327
Why are you doing this, Mike?
431
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:01,329
Because you have a son.
432
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,832
And you should show him
what a man looks like
433
00:19:02,932 --> 00:19:05,067
that stands up for his principles.
434
00:19:05,169 --> 00:19:07,403
Apparently like a bear. Yeah.
435
00:19:07,503 --> 00:19:09,271
Thanks. I'll give it a shot.
436
00:19:09,373 --> 00:19:11,740
Right. There's velcro in there.
Try it on. See if it fits.
437
00:19:11,842 --> 00:19:13,409
All right. (Sniffs)
438
00:19:13,509 --> 00:19:15,443
What the hell?
439
00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:17,613
Oh, pfft! You should air it out.
440
00:19:17,713 --> 00:19:19,214
I might have farted in it.
441
00:19:22,285 --> 00:19:25,688
That's for taking a
shot at the Virgin Mary.
442
00:19:31,342 --> 00:19:33,809
(Sighs)
443
00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:35,811
(Clears throat)
444
00:19:35,846 --> 00:19:37,814
(Birds chirping)
445
00:19:52,827 --> 00:19:54,595
Good morning, Mr. Alzate.
446
00:19:54,630 --> 00:19:58,265
Kyle, what are you doing here?
447
00:19:58,299 --> 00:20:02,895
Wait, isn't this Sunday, or did I take
all of my wrong pills this morning.
448
00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:08,836
I-I came to walk the store with you
and I brought you your bran muffin.
449
00:20:08,871 --> 00:20:10,638
What's the lord gonna say about this?
450
00:20:10,673 --> 00:20:14,375
He'd say I'm doing his work,
keeping Mr. Alzate regular.
451
00:20:14,410 --> 00:20:16,711
Hmm.
452
00:20:16,746 --> 00:20:19,213
Those muffins work in mysterious ways.
453
00:20:19,248 --> 00:20:20,714
(Chuckles)
454
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:22,884
I'm glad you could make it, son.
455
00:20:22,919 --> 00:20:24,251
- Me too.
- Yeah.
456
00:20:24,287 --> 00:20:27,556
Okay, look, if we walk through
the store quickly, all right,
457
00:20:27,589 --> 00:20:30,424
you can be done in time
for your 11:00 church service.
458
00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:31,692
Are you sure?
459
00:20:31,727 --> 00:20:33,862
Sure, I know God wants you
all to himself today.
460
00:20:33,895 --> 00:20:37,398
But I don't mind sharing.
I can be the bigger man.
461
00:20:37,432 --> 00:20:41,102
I spy a terrific guy.
462
00:20:41,136 --> 00:20:42,770
Come on. It's awfully
early for that.
463
00:20:42,805 --> 00:20:43,872
Yeah.
464
00:20:46,241 --> 00:20:48,542
Did I ever tell you
about the time I ran into
465
00:20:48,577 --> 00:20:50,711
Sammy Davis Jr.
at the supermarket, hmm?
466
00:20:50,746 --> 00:20:54,382
Oh, after the show at the Latin
casino in Cherry Hill, New Jersey?
467
00:20:56,318 --> 00:20:57,585
Nope.
I'd love to hear it.
468
00:20:57,619 --> 00:20:59,721
Okay.
469
00:20:59,755 --> 00:21:02,356
All right, so, Sammy was
at the produce section, right?
470
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:06,694
And he complained that
the bananas were a little soft,
471
00:21:06,729 --> 00:21:10,230
so I suggested that he take them
to see a Mamie Van Doren movie.
472
00:21:10,266 --> 00:21:14,134
(Laughs) Sammy...
And Sammy just lost it.
473
00:21:15,305 --> 00:21:21,661
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