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Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
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It's very different
raising children in America.
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We get to make all
these weird decisions about
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what do we expose our kids to when.
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Other countries, they don't have a choice.
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Like, some parents at my kids'
school were talking about war
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and they're, like, "When do
we tell our kid...
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"Do we tell our children
that our country is at war
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"in Afghanistan and these places?
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When do we introduce this I..."
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Only in America, we have this luxury,
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we get to decide when they find out
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that there is...
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Kids in Afghanistan
don't have... just...
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They find out.
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They find out.
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They find out when they ask,
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"How come Uncle Henry's head is gone now?
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"How come that happened?
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Oh, 'cause of the war."
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Life can be stressful here, though,
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'cause life is good
and so we want it to be better
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and we get... we try to perfect
everything in our lives
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and it's like a job.
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Being a consumer is like a job.
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You have to make sure you get the best one.
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If you get a Blu-ray player,
you gotta do research.
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You gotta look at reviews of a player.
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You gotta go on Amazon and read
a really long review
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written by an insane person
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who's been dead for months...
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...because he shot
his wife
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and then himself
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after explaining to you
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that the remote is counter-intuitive.
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"It's got really small buttons
on the remote,"
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he said...
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before he murder-suicided
his whole family.
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And now you're reading it and going,
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"I don't know.
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"I don't know which one to get,
I don't know.
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I gotta get the best one."
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Why?
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Who are you, the king of Siam,
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that you should get the best one ever?
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"I'm... Bring me
the best DV..."
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Who cares?
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They're all the same, these machines.
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They're all made from
the same Asian suffering.
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There's no difference.
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That was a good set.
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I guess, I don't...
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...a round of applause...
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Hey, Ross. Hey, how's
it going, guys?
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Hey.
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This is my agent, Doug.
Hey, how's it going?
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Hey, Louie, great job.
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Thank you.
It was great.
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The order is terrific.
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I mean, the closing bit,
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Jay's gonna love tomorrow night on the ow.
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Oh, good.
It was just terrific.
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I'm sorry... Louie, great set, great set.
Hey, Bud, how are you?
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Thank you very much, thank you.
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Um, but the great thing
is, also, it timed in at
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four minutes and 30 seconds,
which is the perfect
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amount of... perfect amount of time.
Good.
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I mean, with the audience
reaction and everything else,
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it's just, for our studio,
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it's gonna be the time that we're looking for.
That's great.
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Good, good, good.
So...
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Is Louie gonna interview on panel?
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Tomorrow night,
Tom Cruise is the other guest
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and Tom loves to go long,
tells great stories
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and Jay's surprising him
tomorrow with a motorcycle.
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I'm gonna get bumped, right?
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You're not gonna get bumped, Louie.
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You're not going to get bumped.
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Sounds like I'm...
Nah.
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You know what, I'll...
I'll see you tomorrow night.
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But thank you.
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Thanks, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.
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Okay, thanks, Ross, thanks for coming.
Okay, okay.
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Okay, good.
Okay.
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I'm totally getting bumped.
Yeah.
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I'm getting...
Sounds like...
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It's like they brought me here to bump me,
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all the way...
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Getting bumped is not that bad, Louie.
How is it not that bad?
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'Cause they advertise your name,
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you still get paid
and then they have you back on.
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Just...
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Okay, thank you, thanks, Doug.
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Amazing, this face work.
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Look at this.
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Look at "before"...
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and look at "after."
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Boy, just, you know, I think...
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You know the real trick here?
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I think the real trick here
is, don't be pissed off.
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You look better.
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- I'm here to mic you.
- Sure.
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Just turn around for me.
Oh, sorry.
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Some of that delicious Velveeta juice.
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Yeah!
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Folks, we'll be right back with Tom Cruise
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right after this.
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Okay, where's your jacket?
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I don't have...
This is what I'm wearing.
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Oh.
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You're all set then.
Okay.
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Hey, what's going on?
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I got some really bad news.
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You're bumping me.
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Shit, I knew this.
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No, not exactly, I'm not bumping you.
You're not?
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What's...
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Ross, you tell him?
I haven't told him yet.
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Louie, are you ready?
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Tom Cruise is not coming tonight.
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What do you mean, he's not coming?
So... No, he's not coming.
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He hates surprises
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and the whole motorcycle
thing, he just... he just...
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It doesn't matter why he canceled,
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he's not coming, okay?
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He's not here, you are.
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You're on lead guest, okay?
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We need you to lead off the show.
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Now?
Yes, now.
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Okay.
I can do some questions for him.
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You're a comic, you know how to talk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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All right, here's your chance, all right.
All right.
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You ever flown on an airplane?
Yeah, sure.
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You got airplane stories?
I can do a...
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You all right, you good?
Yeah, I'm ready.
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All right, good, see you out there.
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Okay, thanks.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
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You're on!
Okay, okay, okay.
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Right now? Okay, all right.
Yeah, now!
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Hey, everybody, welcome back.
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Now, folks, as I...
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as I told you, we had Tom Cruise
booked on the show tonight,
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but...
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Well... Yes, yes.
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Well... this is...
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this is live television
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and sometimes things
happen in live television,
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and... Tom Cruise
is not here.
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All right, all right, I don't know why.
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Okay, Louie, listen,
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you're going immediately
to your right, okay?
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And as soon as you get to your right,
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Jay will greet you, got it?
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Okay.
Are you listening to me?
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. Get here...
I don't know what it was.
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Anyway, we have to do a show
and I already did my jokes,
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so what I'm gonna do is bring out the comic
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who was gonna close the show tonight.
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We're gonna give him a shot,
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he's gonna be my very first guest tonight.
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He's a very funny man,
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he'll be at the Comedy Cellar in New York.
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Go out there and go get 'em.
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Okay?
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Louie C.K., Louie!
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Don't swear!
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Good to see you.
Hey, how are you?
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Have a seat.
Uh... thanks.
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Hello?
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Sir, this is housekeeping.
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What?
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You have a "do not disturb"
sign on your door.
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When do you want us to clean your room?
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I have a "do not disturb" sign on the door,
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that's the answer.
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Just don't do this to me.
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When do you want us to clean?
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What's the point of the sign
if you don't...
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What...
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This is the opposite of what it says.
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You understand that?
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When do you want us to clean?
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Just don't ever clean it here ever again.
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I don't know.
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Oh...
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Shit on a dick.
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Oh... shit.
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Bitch.
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Damn.
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Wow.
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00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:10,349
What the hell?
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Hey, Doug.
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00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,029
Louie, Jesus, I've been
trying to reach you.
194
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What... what is this...
What's wrong?
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Did you see that you went viral today?
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I'm what?
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00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,337
Your set from last night, it...
198
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,105
You got a million hits already online.
199
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,341
It was huge.
Wow.
200
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Listen, you have a meeting CBS in one hour.
201
00:09:38,944 --> 00:09:40,712
I have... What?
At a what?
202
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:42,013
The who?
What?
203
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,915
You have a meeting at CBS in one hour.
204
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:46,684
Doug, I didn't tell you
205
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,653
to set any meetings for me today.
206
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:49,621
What the hell is this about?
207
00:09:49,688 --> 00:09:51,489
I don't know, they called me.
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00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:53,791
You have a meeting with
the chairman, president,
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00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:55,793
whatever, of CBS in one hour.
210
00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:58,229
Please, get up,
get dressed and meet me there.
211
00:09:58,297 --> 00:09:59,597
They're sending a car for you.
212
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:00,899
Okay, I got it.
213
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,072
Shit.
214
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,247
It's not even time to
jerk off, for Christ's sakes.
215
00:10:25,808 --> 00:10:26,641
Who are we here to see?
216
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:28,409
Do you have any idea?
217
00:10:28,477 --> 00:10:30,544
They didn't tell you the name of the guy?
I don't know, no.
218
00:10:30,612 --> 00:10:32,618
You didn't find out who we're...
No, I have no idea.
219
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:40,388
Excuse me, can you please tell us
220
00:10:40,455 --> 00:10:41,556
who we're here to see?
221
00:10:52,635 --> 00:10:54,469
Hello?
222
00:10:54,537 --> 00:10:56,471
Thank you, I'll tell him.
223
00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:57,905
You can go in now.
224
00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:09,048
Louie.
225
00:11:09,116 --> 00:11:10,650
Come in.
226
00:11:10,717 --> 00:11:12,251
Hi.
227
00:11:12,319 --> 00:11:13,886
Sit down, sit down.
228
00:11:19,426 --> 00:11:20,926
So...
229
00:11:20,994 --> 00:11:22,295
you know who I am?
230
00:11:22,362 --> 00:11:25,298
Yes, I... yeah, I do.
231
00:11:25,366 --> 00:11:27,500
Oh, this is my agent, Doug.
It's an honor to meet...
232
00:11:27,568 --> 00:11:30,337
You're in from New York.
233
00:11:30,405 --> 00:11:32,139
Yeah.
234
00:11:32,207 --> 00:11:33,440
Have you been there?
235
00:11:33,508 --> 00:11:35,175
I'm from the Bronx.
236
00:11:35,243 --> 00:11:37,410
Oh, yeah, the Bronx?
237
00:11:37,478 --> 00:11:39,946
I... I... I haven't spent...
I haven't spent much...
238
00:11:40,014 --> 00:11:41,448
Whatever.
239
00:11:41,516 --> 00:11:45,485
You were very funny last night
on "The Tonight Show."
240
00:11:45,553 --> 00:11:48,655
Oh, thank you.
Very funny.
241
00:11:48,722 --> 00:11:51,290
Must have been under
a lot of pressure, too.
242
00:11:51,358 --> 00:11:54,160
Yeah, I didn't have much time
to think about it.
243
00:11:54,227 --> 00:11:57,463
What I'm about to tell you, nobody knows,
244
00:11:57,531 --> 00:12:01,600
but it has the potential
to change your whole life.
245
00:12:01,668 --> 00:12:02,968
Okay.
246
00:12:03,036 --> 00:12:05,037
It's privileged information.
247
00:12:05,104 --> 00:12:07,072
Cannot leave this room.
248
00:12:10,709 --> 00:12:12,543
Send Charlie in, uh, please.
249
00:12:14,513 --> 00:12:17,581
Carnegie Deli.
250
00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,850
I used to go there when I was
starting out in New York.
251
00:12:22,386 --> 00:12:24,854
Is that the thing I'm not
supposed to tell anybody?
252
00:12:26,490 --> 00:12:28,558
No.
253
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:31,027
This is Charlie from our legal department.
254
00:12:37,968 --> 00:12:39,135
What is this?
255
00:12:39,203 --> 00:12:40,937
These are confidentiality agreements.
256
00:12:41,004 --> 00:12:42,538
You're signing a document that states
257
00:12:42,606 --> 00:12:45,008
if you repeat anything that is told to you
258
00:12:45,076 --> 00:12:48,378
by the chairman of the
Columbia Broadcasting System,
259
00:12:48,446 --> 00:12:52,616
you will be subject to penalties
and litigation.
260
00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:54,652
Okay.
261
00:12:54,719 --> 00:12:56,186
I don't... I don't know
if I want to sign this.
262
00:12:56,254 --> 00:12:57,355
Then leave the room!
263
00:13:06,533 --> 00:13:07,533
Thank you.
264
00:13:14,776 --> 00:13:16,009
I'm the chairman.
265
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:20,747
There won't be somebody else
here next month.
266
00:13:20,815 --> 00:13:22,582
I'll be here.
Yes, sir.
267
00:13:25,453 --> 00:13:27,054
David Letterman is retiring.
268
00:13:28,656 --> 00:13:32,026
This is his last
year on "The Late Show."
269
00:13:32,093 --> 00:13:35,496
David Letterman's been at CBS for 20 years.
270
00:13:35,563 --> 00:13:37,064
It's over.
271
00:13:37,132 --> 00:13:39,467
I have to replace him.
272
00:13:39,535 --> 00:13:41,268
I brought you here to ask you
273
00:13:41,336 --> 00:13:44,038
if you'd be interested in the job.
274
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,050
No.
275
00:13:55,117 --> 00:13:57,152
No?
What...
276
00:13:57,219 --> 00:13:58,553
Why not?
277
00:13:58,621 --> 00:14:00,622
Well, that...
278
00:14:00,689 --> 00:14:01,990
I mean, that's crazy.
279
00:14:02,057 --> 00:14:03,491
I'm not that guy.
280
00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:05,527
I'm 44 and I'm...
I mean, he's...
281
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,797
You should get Jerry Seinfeld
or somebody, right?
282
00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:12,567
Oh, we're getting Jerry Seinfeld.
283
00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:14,235
You are?
284
00:14:14,303 --> 00:14:16,604
You misunderstood me, son.
285
00:14:16,672 --> 00:14:18,740
I'm not offering you the job,
286
00:14:18,808 --> 00:14:22,310
I'm asking if you're interested in it.
287
00:14:22,378 --> 00:14:23,612
Uh...
288
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,715
We're negotiating with Jerry Seinfeld.
289
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,351
I'm looking for an option.
290
00:14:29,419 --> 00:14:31,353
An option?
291
00:14:31,421 --> 00:14:33,655
Here, let me lay it out for you.
292
00:14:33,723 --> 00:14:37,126
Jerry Seinfeld is a slam dunk,
293
00:14:37,194 --> 00:14:42,131
but he's a $12 million slam dunk at best.
294
00:14:42,199 --> 00:14:44,434
You, I could get for a million,
295
00:14:44,502 --> 00:14:46,570
a little less, maybe.
296
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:48,472
So.
297
00:14:50,308 --> 00:14:51,575
You're thinking.
298
00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:52,743
I see the wheels turning.
299
00:14:52,811 --> 00:14:54,512
Tell... tell me, what?
300
00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:56,347
Well, I just never saw this...
301
00:14:56,415 --> 00:14:58,383
I didn't see this coming.
302
00:14:58,451 --> 00:14:59,551
I don't know...
303
00:14:59,619 --> 00:15:01,253
I don't know how much you know about me.
304
00:15:01,321 --> 00:15:03,756
I know you're
a working-class standup
305
00:15:03,824 --> 00:15:05,525
from Boston.
306
00:15:05,592 --> 00:15:08,495
You do standup, you make, maybe,
307
00:15:08,563 --> 00:15:11,698
$80,000 a year on the club dates,
308
00:15:11,766 --> 00:15:14,368
but you're on the back nine of your career.
309
00:15:14,436 --> 00:15:17,571
Except for, once in a while,
a special on cable,
310
00:15:17,639 --> 00:15:19,139
I think you...
311
00:15:19,207 --> 00:15:21,041
Five years ago, you probably peaked
312
00:15:21,109 --> 00:15:22,709
and now you're waiting around
313
00:15:22,777 --> 00:15:25,078
wondering if something's gonna happen
314
00:15:25,146 --> 00:15:27,480
before it gets embarrassing.
315
00:15:27,548 --> 00:15:29,316
Am I right?
316
00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:37,757
You don't think you can do it.
317
00:15:37,825 --> 00:15:41,627
You think it's over
and you're afraid to try.
318
00:15:41,695 --> 00:15:43,696
I mean, I get it, that's normal.
319
00:15:43,763 --> 00:15:45,164
I've seen it.
320
00:15:45,232 --> 00:15:48,534
And I've seen it turn around.
321
00:15:48,602 --> 00:15:51,070
Let me offer you a proposal.
322
00:15:51,138 --> 00:15:52,738
You go back to New York.
323
00:15:52,806 --> 00:15:54,139
You get in shape.
324
00:15:54,207 --> 00:15:56,108
You lose about 40 pounds.
325
00:15:56,175 --> 00:15:59,311
I get you with Jackie Dahl,
he's my main city man.
326
00:15:59,379 --> 00:16:02,382
He works with you
and then, in about two months,
327
00:16:02,449 --> 00:16:05,085
we do a test show.
328
00:16:05,152 --> 00:16:06,720
A test show?
329
00:16:06,788 --> 00:16:09,189
Jack'll get you a small studio.
330
00:16:09,257 --> 00:16:11,091
You know, you'll do a monologue,
331
00:16:11,159 --> 00:16:12,693
you'll do a couple of interviews
332
00:16:12,761 --> 00:16:15,996
and if the test is good...
333
00:16:16,064 --> 00:16:17,531
I'll put you on the air.
334
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:21,636
And then if you're a hit,
335
00:16:21,704 --> 00:16:24,272
everybody'll think I'm a genius
336
00:16:24,340 --> 00:16:25,641
and I'll have saved the network
337
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:29,077
about $12 million.
338
00:16:29,145 --> 00:16:32,047
If America hates you...
339
00:16:32,081 --> 00:16:33,381
no one's gonna blame me.
340
00:16:34,650 --> 00:16:38,053
We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld to do the show.
341
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,722
No harm, no foul.
342
00:16:40,790 --> 00:16:43,458
But you'll take the heat on all that.
343
00:16:43,526 --> 00:16:46,127
You're gonna crack your head on the ceiling
344
00:16:46,195 --> 00:16:47,695
and you're gonna go down,
345
00:16:47,762 --> 00:16:49,096
probably for good.
346
00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:54,535
Look, Louie.
347
00:16:54,603 --> 00:16:56,337
We're talking about the big game here,
348
00:16:56,405 --> 00:17:00,141
so forgive me if I use big terms.
349
00:17:00,208 --> 00:17:02,443
Here's the reality.
350
00:17:02,511 --> 00:17:04,812
In ten years, you're
gonna be teaching comedy
351
00:17:04,879 --> 00:17:07,615
at a community college to support your kids
352
00:17:07,682 --> 00:17:08,816
and falling asleep to
353
00:17:08,884 --> 00:17:13,253
"The Late Show with
Jerry Seinfeld."
354
00:17:13,321 --> 00:17:16,323
You're circling failure...
355
00:17:16,391 --> 00:17:20,294
in a rapidly decaying orbit.
356
00:17:20,361 --> 00:17:23,630
That's the reality, as we talk now.
357
00:17:23,697 --> 00:17:26,999
But you can change that.
358
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:30,302
It's in your power to change that.
359
00:17:30,370 --> 00:17:31,637
Yes, you'll have to work hard,
360
00:17:31,704 --> 00:17:33,539
you'll have to do things
you haven't done before
361
00:17:33,606 --> 00:17:35,307
and still...
362
00:17:35,374 --> 00:17:38,109
your chances are very slim.
363
00:17:38,177 --> 00:17:41,747
But you could change it.
364
00:17:41,814 --> 00:17:44,649
I'm gonna ask you one re time.
365
00:17:44,717 --> 00:17:48,386
David Letterman is retiring.
366
00:17:48,454 --> 00:17:49,588
Do you want his job?
367
00:17:58,832 --> 00:18:05,832
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
367
00:18:06,305 --> 00:18:12,582
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