LOIS: I can't believe you, Dewey! How could you do this?!
When is she going to stop?
I'm starving. Go get us some food.
I'm not going out there.
LOIS: That's right, you better cry!
Sorry doesn't cut it, young man!
This was a good idea.
Just wish you had told me earlier.
I was hiding outside for 45 minutes
before I came in.
I saw you.
♪ Yes, no, maybe
♪ I don't know
♪ Can you repeat the question?
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big
♪ Life is unfair.
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Boys, you know how you've been hounding us for years
for your own computer?
Well, your mother and I have arranged a deal
with our nice neighbor Ed to get you one.
I'm giving you my old laptop.
Is it inside that?
Nope, that's it. And in exchange,
you're going to help Ed set up his new computer.
It shouldn't be hard for a smart kid like you.
All you have to do is install the sound and graphics card
and set up a wireless network for my broadband connection,
and I'm good to go.
And, Reese, you're going to help him
resod his lawn and build a gazebo.
What?! No!
Come on, boys.
Nothing in this life comes free.
Oh, Hal, here are those Foreigner albums.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Oh, just be glad you're getting a computer.
Maybe I should get a dog or a rat.
Some dumb animal that at least knows how to work for a living!
Yes, ma'am.
Damn idiots never learned how to do one damn thing right
your entire lives!
Yes, ma'am.
And the blood from my knees
was tracking behind where I had already scrubbed
so I had to keep going around and around
until finally she let me put dish towels
on my knees.
So, how was your day?
Did you make a lot of snow globes?
I don't care about that.
My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit
to eat the crap between your toes.
Someone ought to cut that woman's belly open
with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails.
I love you, too.
If you want me, I'll be under my bed.
Oh, come on, Dewey, it wasn't that bad.
It was terrible!
I hate soccer.
I stink!
My team stinks.
Well, 27-0 doesn't reflect how close
the first five minutes of the game were.
Hey, you guys won the coin toss.
I want to quit. Well, you can't quit.
People don't just quit because they lose a couple games.
The coach quit.
No, he had an emotional breakdown.
That's not the same thing.
The point is, you're not quitting.
In fact, you know what?
I'm going to coach you.
What?! Well, sure!
This'll be great.
It'll give us a chance to hang out,
spend a little time together,
kick the ball around.
And who knows, someday you might just look back
and say, "Boy, I sure had some fun with my old man."
What do you say?
No! Dewey, you are not
quitting the team.
I am going to coach you
and we are going to create treasured father-son memories
whether you want to or not.
So, what's... on the... hard drive?
Nothing. He erased everything.
No, he just thinks he did.
He may have deleted all the programs,
but he didn't format the drive.
They never... do.
There it is.
Let's check out what he's got in here.
Let's go through his e-mails.
Why? It's Ed.
What's he going to...?
Oh, my God.
"Eddie, last night was amazing.
You touched me places my husband never knew existed."
"TGoodwin."
That's Mrs. Goodwin from down the block.
That's horrible.
They're both married.
And fat.
Look at this one.
"Edward, just saying your name turns me to jelly."
That's... Mrs. Fisher.
Mrs. Conlin, Mrs. Wilson, Mrs. Beltz...
He's sleeping with half the women in this neighborhood.
Here's one from old Mrs. Swanbeck.
Open the picture attachment.
All right, kids, let's huddle up.
Huddle up. Come on.
Hello there.
My name is Hal.
I'm the new coach.
Now, I don't claim to know a lot
about soccer, but I do know about being a young boy.
And growing up can be tough.
I know what it's like to be the class spaz...
the fat kid...
the nose picker.
Just wipe it on the grass, son.
But together, we are more than that.
And today we're going to find out
what it's like to be a team!
Can we just forfeit and get a burger
before the line gets too long?
No.
What we're going to do is go out on that field
and we are going to have some fun.
MAN: You kids make me sick!
If you're not puking from exhaustion,
you're not playing hard enough!
It's a beautiful day.
Let's go out and enjoy the sunshine
and play some soccer!
You will rip their heads off!
Do you hear me?!
Now stop crying.
Stop crying, you little baby!
Hey, fella, why don't you just ease up!
Come on, they're just kids.
You hear that, men?
That's what a loser sounds like.
All right, what do you say,
we go out and give it our best and have some fun?!
It was 48 to nothing before the half.
I had to call it.
Of course.
TEAM: Two, four, six, eight! Who did we annihilate?!
The Tigers! The Tigers!
We killed the Tigers!
Hey, Stevie.
You were supposed... to meet me...
at the library.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
You know, I actually found something decent
on Ed's computer.
The Virts?
Yeah, you create a virtual family,
put them in different situations,
and the computer plays out their lives.
I'm putting in the characters right now.
Is that...
your mom?
Not yet.
Reese.
Make sure... you capture...
the blackness of his soul.
Aggressiveness-- ten.
Hygiene-- zero.
Okay, now me.
Malcolm.
Appearance-- nine.
No, ten.
A ten for intelligence.
And social skills... ten.
Too bad... it doesn't go... higher.
I have social skills, jackass!
Okay, it's dinnertime.
Where's Malcolm?
Looking at himself in the mirror.
How you doing?
I'm hot and I'm bored.
What is this stuff?
It smells awful.
What are you doing?
There's bare patches all over the place.
Are you even paying attention to what you're doing?
Hey, I get grounded plenty, Ed.
I know how to do grunt work.
So why don't you just go fix Mrs. Conlin's "garage door"
and get off my back!
What did you say? You heard me.
Oh, my God. What do you know?
Everything.
You might want to formulate your megabytes
next time you get rid of your computer.
Oh, and by the way,
Mrs. Swanbeck? You are sick.
Keep your voice down.
Look, it's not my fault.
I try to be faithful,
but the women on this block are just so desperate
and lonely.
It's like I cast some kind of spell.
I try to tell them no,
but it always leads to a back rub.
I know, Ed. I read all about it.
Is that you, Ed?
I'm a little busy right now, Martha.
Look...
you can't tell my wife.
You can't tell anyone.
Please.
I'll do anything.
I'll do anything you ask.
I can work with that.
Damn these loggers!
Don't they know somebody's got to clean up
their caribou carcass?
These antlers won't fit down the disposal!
Oh, hey, Francis, come away from there.
You don't have to do that.
You're much to valuable an employee to mess with that.
But yesterday you said you'd seen tumors with hair
that were smarter than me.
Can't you tell good-natured ribbing?
I got a more important job for you.
Why don't you sit in that chair
and check out the reception on the TV.
It's been kind of spotty lately.
Oh, and make sure these sodas haven't gone flat.
That sounds... doable.
We got other people to do the grunt work.
A newlywed like you shouldn't be tiring himself out
before he even gets home.
Your lovely, young wife wouldn't like that, would she?
What did you do?
I don't know what you're talking about, honey.
Lavernia is being nice to me.
She's treating me like a human being!
What did you do to her?
Maybe she turned over a new leaf.
Sometimes really big crappy jerks
just realize they got to change their ways.
This woman was terrified,
and I've never seen her scared of anything.
I don't know how you threatened her,
but you must have said something.
I wouldn't do that, Francis.
You're the man.
I'm not going to fight your battles for you.
Obviously that's not true.
Now, damn it, you're going to tell me what you did!
You know what?
I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.
And you might want to reconsider your tone of voice.
Sometimes you make me so mad.
All right, look, uh, today's practice was...
Well, let's-let's focus on the positive.
I-I think it's encouraging that so many of you
found the right field.
And a special congratulations go to Billy
for using the sidestep that we practiced
to run away from the butterfly that almost landed near him.
But we do need to work on
your general unwillingness to kick the ball.
It hurts!
Boys, if we are going to get better,
we're going to have to work together.
We're going to have to start acting like a team.
You know what it means to be on a team, don't you?
Well, don't look at...
Come on, think of a team.
Like the X-Men?
Yes!
Yes! Yes, like the X-Men.
You boys are like the X-Men.
And what do the X-Men do?
Fight evil?
Yes, they work together.
To fight evil and also to uphold the ideals
of good sportsmanship and teamwork!
And fight evil!
Yes! Okay, okay, boys.
Come on, come on, come on, huddle up, huddle up.
I should not be telling you this,
but the American Youth Soccer Federation
has been infiltrated by evil forces
hell-bent on total domination of the Earth.
Now, the infiltration goes all the way down
to the lowest levels.
I'm talking the Blackhawks, the Bulldogs, the Eagles.
Every other team in our league
has been lost to the forces of evil.
And it's up to you boys to stop them.
Now, boys, what do you say, hmm?
Who wants to be on the side of goodness and virtue
and who wants to rid the world of evil?!
All right, boys!
Now, let's get out there and do some kicking drills!
Can you please... start working?
Just one more second.
This is really interesting.
I just made my mom quit her crappy job
and go to law school.
It's less money, but her happiness level went way up.
I made my dad quit, too.
All he's doing is working on neighbors' cars,
but check out his happiness level.
But I still think they could be happier.
Let's send Reese to China.
What are you changing... about Malcolm?
Nothing, he's fine.
He's burning himself...
with a cigarette.
Just a phase.
Where were you?
I've been waiting ten minutes for that lotion.
Look at this. I am starting to freckle.
Look, Reese, my wife gets back soon.
I'm going to have a hard time
explaining why I'm catering to a 15-year-old boy.
I'll explain it to her if you want me to.
That's okay, forget I mentioned it.
Fly. Where?
Just a drill.
Well, the oak seems to burn
a few degrees hotter than the maple.
This game is asinine!
I thought you liked it.
No, this is idiotic programming.
My family has turned out horrible.
My mom finished law school
and became a Supreme Court justice,
Reese is the king of China,
and my dad is a millionaire
from his chain of auto body shops.
Why is Malcolm sneaking scotch
from the toilet tank?
He won't stop drinking!
That's his second bottle since breakfast.
I am so done with this game.
No, you know what?
I'm moving them all to Arkansas to become chicken farmers.
That ought to level out the playing field.
Hi, honey. This is great!
You're home early.
And you don't come home so mad anymore.
I think we may have to split up.
What?!
I'm not sure this marriage is working.
I mean, I love you, but I don't know you that well.
Hell, I can't even pronounce your last name.
Tan-nah-nah-ha-ahk-nah.
And then with this whole Lavernia thing,
I'm starting to think there's a side...
I don't understand.
If someone does something because they love someone
and it solves the problem, then...
No!
Marriage is supposed to be
about trust and communication and not being terrified!
We're supposed to be a team, I thought.
Look, I'm going to ask you one last time,
for the sake of our marriage, what did you do?
: Took her parakeet.
What? I took her parakeet!
You stole the woman's pet?
The woman's pet?!
You protect the people that you love.
I figured you'd do the same for me.
But I would tell you!
If I was going to grab someone's parakeet
and hold it hostage...
Well, gee, I wouldn't do that!
How long were you going to keep it for, anyway?
Till she behaved.
And if she didn't, I guess I'd have killed it.
See, that's where it gets alarming again.
But putting aside
the horrible nature of the act itself,
what's really upsetting is that you made
this unilateral decision.
I said I was sorry!
How many times do you want me to say it?!
You didn't say you were...
And what about you?
You were going to break up with me!
You think that makes me feel safe?
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Wait! No!
I'm not apologizing here.
We need to bring this bird back,
and if I do it, she's going to think I was involved.
You made this mess without me.
You clean it up without me!
Or what?
Or maybe I'll do it for you!
And you...
have dinner ready when I get back!
Look, Ed, school gets out at 3:00.
It is 2:15.
I've been waiting around for over an hour!
Sorry, Reese.
WOMAN: Excuse me.
Damn, hurry up. Get in the car.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Abbott, Reese's guidance counselor.
I've been trying to talk to you about your son
for the past three weeks.
Well, I'm here now. What can I do for you?
You have to stop this.
Stupid game!
This is ridiculous!
Everybody in my family is, like, perfect.
My mom is president,
Reese is married to six supermodels,
and my dad used all his money
to fund a search for extraterrestrials.
Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever.
If I give them money, if I take it away,
if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian,
everything works out beautifully for them
and horrible for me!
Dewey just became Pope.
And I weigh 500 pounds.
That's it.
I'm just going to have to kill them.
Go to counter, get knife, kill them.
No!
Don't make yourself a sandwich!
Kill! Kill!
No, not yourself!
Don't kill. Don't kill.
You stupid fat bastard!
This means nothing!
So, Dad, are you going to ground me?
Boy, your counselor was furious.
So how about we head back to your place,
you can set up your Jacuzzi,
and then you can throw something on the barbecue for me.
I've got a better idea.
I'll get in my Jacuzzi, and you'll fix dinner for me.
What are you talking about?
With the information I just got on you,
I can call your mother
and you won't see daylight for years.
Oh, yeah?
One word, and I'm telling your wife your little secret.
I guess the question is: am I more scared of my wife
or are you more scared of your mother?
Then get a dozen peach roses--
they got to be peach--
and run them over to Mrs. Malone's.
Lavernia, I'm sorry.
I just talked to my wife, and it turns out
this was all a big misunderstanding.
She's sorry, too, and we just want you to have...
I guess I should have put
a blanket on this on the way over.
I just want you to know that I...
Okay, boys, look, we have come a long way,
and today is the day we show what we're made of!
Now, who are we?
BOYS: The forces of good!
And who's evil?
BOYS: The Gophers!
We've got a schedule change, Coach.
The Gophers didn't show up,
so you're playing the Blackhawks again.
Don't worry, I'll call it before it gets too ugly.
We're playing the Blackhawks again?
Boys, boys, listen to me.
You're forgetting your mission.
You're here to fight evil,
and the Blackhawks are the most evil of all.
You know when the teacher remembers to give you homework
right before you're leaving school at the end of the day?
The Blackhawks are behind it.
When your mother says
you can't watch TV, for no reason,
the Blackhawks told her to say that.
And when you didn't get the Christmas presents
that you wanted, do you know who got them?
The Blackhawks.
If it were up to them,
we wouldn't even have a Christmas.
I for one am glad that we have the chance to fight
for what is right and good in this world!
Now, I ask you boys, who are we going to beat?!
BOYS: The Blackhawks!
And what are they? BOYS: Evil!
Yeah!
Teams take the field!
I love you boys.
I've done all the coaching I can do.
The rest is up to them.
No...
♪
Eat chalk, evildoer!
Oh, my God. No.
We couldn't stop them if we wanted to.
So you just left the truck there
and ran all the way home?
Hey, you didn't see the look on her face.
I'm kind of scared to even go into work tomorrow.
You know, she does have a turtle.
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