Crap. Crap.
Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.
In Colombia, when the old man starts yelling at the mail,
we put them on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in.
Well, Delgado's got a doozy of a Valentine's dilemma.
I texted out feelers for two dates.
Vicky Noh is top choice, but Alexa Potts has been doing
this bad-girl thing lately I'm into.
So, while I wait for a yes from Noh,
I've got to keep Potts on the back burner.
Oh, my God. Is it still talking?
Jay, that's so rude!
He overthinks everything.
If you have a shot at the bad girl, jump.
I don't know.
She has a stepdad who only pays attention to her hot older sister.
I will dial the phone for you.
Ugh.
That was Joe's school. He's in trouble.
We need to go meet with the teacher.
What the hell did he do?
He robbed a bank and took 18 hostages.
How would I know? Let's go.
It's a no-go.
Alexa wanted to use the hot tub tonight,
but apparently can't find her bathing suit.
If you don't come home smelling of light beer and chlorine,
do not come home at all.
**
-- Captions by VITAC --
Uh, honey?
Um...
Whoa. Happy Valentine's Day, my love!
Oh, thank you. Ooh.
I love this. What is it?
It's the actual porch swing where we had our first kiss.
No. Check it out.
The carvings are still on the back from 25 years ago.
Oh, my gosh. "Phil hearts Claire."
Oh, honey, this is gonna look so great out on our porch.
I can't believe you did this.
It was nothing. Wow.
I made a few calls, drove half a day...
Uh-huh. ..had Campari and haggled with a handsy gay landlord,
took the swing apart, loaded it in a van,
ran out of gas in the desert,
got harassed by a shady state trooper,
and drove back with a blinding migraine.
But easy-peasy.
I love it.
Knock, knock. Happy Valentine's Day
or, as I call it, "the best night
to go to the grocery store."
And here is your Valentine's gift.
I wrapped it myself in the office,
and then, like a dingdong, I left it there, so...
Whoa, sparkly.
Just like you. That's why I picked the wrapping.
She sure did. Yeah. Go ahead.
Claire, I think I know what this is.
I can't believe you did this.
I know, right?
You got me an old watch.
Pretty cool, right? So cool.
I've got a crazy-good poker face,
but I didn't love the watch.
I'd been dropping these big hints
about a pair of genuine Houdini handcuffs
on sale at a local magic shop.
They're from his famous Coffin of Cobras Escape of 1923.
The trick was so shocking
that women went into spontaneous labor
and the men paired off in violent fighting.
I, uh, don't think it's working.
Uh... Oh, well, I mean,
I'm just seeing this watch for the first time,
but it looks like it's got a self-winder.
You just move your... Yeah.
...arm around to keep it going.
I should probably get going.
Mother's waiting in the truck... Mm-hmm.
...and she's patient until she isn't.
Oh, and I've got to get to work, too,
before all the single gals show up.
It's pretty hard to concentrate with all the bathroom crying
and the half-eaten chocolates getting hurled at the wall.
Have a good one. I will.
Hey. Hey.
Wow. Those are nice.
Yeah, they were on the front porch.
They're from a mystery admirer.
The card says, "You don't know your power."
Oh, that's my bad.
I was power-washing the flagstones
in my old cheer shorts -- They're for me.
Yeah, don't ask who they're from,
because I don't know, but I will find out. Oh.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, I am winding an old watch
that your mother gave me for Valentine's Day.
Oh. That's pretty uneven. You gave her this awesome swing.
Man, where did mom find a guy as sweet as you?
Actually, she hit me with her car
when I was break-dancing in a KFC parking lot.
And your mother's not unromantic.
She's just been busy with work lately.
Well, you've been married for like 25 years.
What's that supposed to mean?
You guys are overdue for the romance
to fizzle out a little bit.
Oh, well, it's nice to know that some dime-store posies
from an unnamed stalker have made you an expert on matters of the heart.
It so happens that your mother is still very romantic,
which I will prove with a surprise visit
to her office this afternoon.
Let me guess -- you built this inside
and didn't measure the door?
Card was right. You don't know your own power...
to be mean.
Thank you so much for helping us out.
Ah, yeah. Rainer has work, anyways.
He does this Valentine's Day thing
where he tracks Cupid on the radar. Aww, cute.
Oh, and Lily gets to stay up a little later tonight
because she had a big-girl moment at school.
Yes, this boy Jagger -- 'cause that's a name now --
teased her and she told him off in front of everybody.
And we're proud of you because you used your words.
She used our words. We wrote her a little speech.
She really told that kid off good.
Our society encourages women to be unassertive,
so we need to do everything we can to -- to really empower Lily.
We may not get women,
but that allows us to really get women.
We may not hook up with women,
but we really understand women.
I think it was clear when I said that.
So, what's with this whole "going out early" thing.
Well, it's been forever since we've had a date-night out,
and so we made a little list of the six things
that we love to do but never get to do.
Ugh, pathetic.
Okay, we get to say that, not you.
No, no, no, it's Dylan.
He texts me every Valentine's Day begging to hook up.
Oh, that is sad.
I know. It almost never works.
All right, you old bags,
put your teeth in, you're taking me out.
Sal, what are you doing here?
It's Valentine's Day and my new German boyfriend, Werner, is out of town,
and I don't like to drink alone.
The first part's true.
Well, actually, we have plans.
Aw, but now you have better plans.
Fausta here can babysit Sammy
and General Tsour over there.
Sammy, tell your guncles hello like I taught you.
Enchanté.
Ahh! What am I looking at here?
I'm raising him gay.
Tell Uncle Mitchell what you think about those pants.
Tragic.
Oh, it's sticking!
So, come on. Let's go. Uh...
Hey, if she's watching the kids,
I don't want to be a fourth wheel,
so I'll just come and join you three.
That -- That sounds great. Ahh!
Mitchell, can I talk to you over by the fireplace?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, so what about our plans? Look, you know Sal.
She's not gonna leave until we agree to this.
So, look, we'll just get the two of them drinking.
They won't even notice when we slip away
and, you know, get back to our list.
That's a good plan. Yeah.
You know what?
I didn't even want to do number one anyway.
It makes me feel dirty and ashamed.
Okay, well, bye-bye, Cheesecake Factory.
Wow. All right.
I asked you guys to come in today
because Joe has given me
a very, um, inappropriate Valentine's Day gift.
I assume that he got this from home?
Ms. Clarke, I am so sorry.
I'm sure that Joe doesn't even know what he was doing.
Oh.
Looks like I'm finally gonna get to fight with one son
over the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.
Jay, this is not funny.
I come from a very long line of overly sexy men.
My cousin Ricardo, he had a sex addition.
You mean "addiction."
Uh, yeah, sorry.
He built an addiction onto his house
for making love to his many girlfriends.
Well, Joe just needs to know
that this type of gift is not okay.
And you're right, and I'm gonna talk to him.
Did I do something wrong?
You did take something
out of your mom's drawer without asking.
But I'm gonna give you a pass on that one.
The thing is, the gift was inappropriate.
Well, you give underpants to mom.
True.
You do it every year.
Look, you can give that kind of thing
to your wife or your girlfriend.
But it's a little bit different when it's your teacher, okay?
Fine. Can I go back to the quiet room now?
I already missed half of my nap.
You know how I get.
Sure. Go ahead.
Everything's squared away.
Ms. Clarke, sorry for the trouble.
May I have that back?
Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.
I didn't know that real humans could have these dimensions.
Thanks. Thank you.
Oops.
I seem to have dropped my spare hotel key.
Phil -- Shh.
No need to call whoever this Phil is.
You're in no danger.
This key is to room 422 at the Ramada down the street.
Slip out when you can.
I'll pre-disable the smoke detectors
so you don't set it off when you shimmy out
of those sensible wide-leg trousers.
For the past several Valentine's,
we've adopted sexy alter egos --
Juliana, wild and spontaneous,
and Clive, passionate collector of beautiful women
and antique sailing maps.
Clive, I love this id--
Shh.
Save that energy, my dear.
This hotel has a very short memory
and a very long outdoor staircase.
Claire, you have to finish signing these contracts.
Hey, Phil.
Phil? No.
Name's Clive, friend.
Say, maybe you could take over here for a bit.
I'll make sure the boss lady's
back in one piece no later than --
Oh, come on.
Hi, Phil. It's Clive, actually.
Apparently they have a thing like how you and your sister
go to those conventions dressed like stuffed animals.
Oh. Uh, Claire, your 2:00 is here and you can't be late.
Phil, look, I really appreciate this. I do.
It's just that -- So, I spoke to the florist.
Turns out my admirer sent these from Pritchett's Closets.
I may have a sad love life, but I don't need my mommy
trying to boost my self-esteem.
And if you really want to give me some confidence,
how about a picture of me on your desk,
and not just Haley and Luke.
First of all, I didn't give you those flowers.
Second of all, there is a picture of you.
Where is it? Mm-hmm.
Salutations.
Yes, hello.
I've got a meeting.
Ben, you're gonna finish the contract stuff.
Margaret, you're gonna take Alex.
You're gonna find out
who's using our account for flowers, okay?
Phil, honey,
we'll do Valentine's Day later, okay?
Do I know that guy in the cloak?
Ah, hinge specialist. You might've seen him around.
He's the guy for offbeat swivels and rare-beveled hook joints.
I find everything you just said very titila--
Shh.
We'll make up for this later over dinner, I promise.
I've got it all planned.
This whole Clive thing wasn't even necessary.
Claire was taking me out to dinner all along.
Romance strong as ever.
Margaret, get a reservation
for me and Phil tonight, anywhere.
I've got too much going on to even think about it.
Werner is great.
You know, he's a rich musician, tours a lot, no strings.
Well, um...
...this has been fun, but we should, uh...
You're not going anywhere, Carrot Bottom.
Oh, my God. Is that Rainer?
Why is he with another woman?
That sounds cheat-y.
That's Haley's weatherman boyfriend.
Sorry, Hale. We need to leave.
No, you got to go confront him.
Mm. I'm upset. I've had a couple drinks. No.
Okay.
So, what's it like touring the world
with other Canadian acrobats? What?
We just assumed you were a member of Cirque du Soleil.
Yup, because you're bending over backwards
to avoid standing up for yourself.
And setting a good example
for other women. For other women.
You both were thinking that?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Fine. Finally.
I was beginning to think she was weaker
than Mitchell's jawline.
Everyone knows why you grew that thing.
Okay, this coming from the woman who -- who won't admit
that she's upset that her boyfriend abandoned her
on Valentine's Day.
Oh, and didn't you just get back from learning
how to plant corn with the Indians?
Because you look, to us, like an early settler. Settler.
We're saying that you settle.
You practice this at home, don't you?
We do not.
Now, I knew it couldn't be angels bowling, so --
I thought you were working today.
And didn't we agree that you never wear that sweater again?
My... Excuse me.
We're kind of on a date right now.
Uh, Haley. Oh, save it, you lying,
cheating, middle-aged pointer.
That's what you do, you know -- you point.
You point for your money! We are done!
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh.
My hair.
Oh, that was crazy
and great and awful and I don't know what to do.
I'm just gonna go home. What?! No! I like you now.
Werner has a yacht with a full bar. Let's go.
I'm not letting you go home in this mood.
Yes. Okay, well, you know, that sounds kind of like
a girl thing, so...
Oh, okay, if that's Rainer calling
to make excuses, don't answer.
It's just pathetic Dylan trying to hook up again.
Let me handle this. Hey, Boo Boo.
Well, another woman empowered.
It's what we do. Yes, it is.
Okay, back to the list.
Oh, wait one second. It's Lily.
Hey, honey. Is everything okay?
Jagger was very hurt by our speech.
Well...
She didn't answer his texts
'cause we told her not to.
Good.
He ran away. He did?
People are forming a human chain
to search for him in the woods.
Okay, honey, well, we'll be home soon, all right?
Do you think we have some responsibility
in this Jagger situation?
Ah...no. No.
They -- They chose to build near the woods.
Good advice is good advice, okay?
That's right. You guys, where's Haley?
Um, She is on a boat in the marina,
putting you in her rearview mirror.
Boats have those, don't they? I think so.
You guys, I was only letting that woman
think we were on a date
because she runs a celebrity site
that buys photos from paparazzi, okay?
I was trying to get one of me back
because Haley is in it and this is the photo.
No. God, no. Oh, my gosh.
Bedhead, sneeze face, and UGG slippers?
And now Haley's not answering my calls
and somehow I'm supposed to smile through a weather report
in 15 minutes?
Pull yourself together, Rainer.
You're a weatherman.
Do you think our advice --
Sucked? Yes. Yes.
We need to get to that boat
before Haley hooks up with Dylan.
She wouldn't do something that stupid.
Did you see the UGGs?
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mom, I'm home.
We got valentines.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Kewley. Is the party over?
We had an incident.
Your son gave my Bailey
a very strange Valentine's gift.
I am so sorry.
Didn't your father talk to you about this already?
Yeah, and he said it's okay to give it to a girlfriend.
We're going. And Bailey is certainly not his girlfriend.
She would be lucky!
Is that Bailey?
'Cause I think Joe has a little thing for her.
Yeah, he did have a little thing for her.
It's here. He did it again.
I knew I shouldn't have trusted you talking to him,
because you will let him get away with murder
because he's a mini you and you like it.
And you know what's worse?
That you're so mean to Manny
because he's different than you.
First off, Joe is not a mini me.
Crap. Crapola. Crapinski.
Well, maybe a little, and maybe I kind of like it.
But why would you want to knock the Jay out of Joe?
Instead of one trophy, you get two.
Ugh.
Okay, thank God.
Oh, gosh, there she is.
Hi. Hey.
What are you guys doing here?
Need a sailor to cross off number four
on that Valentine's Day list of yours? Was that mean?
I've been around Sal, I've lost my filter.
You know what? We all make mistakes.
Which is a-a funny thing to remember
when we tell you about a very funny misunderstanding.
Cameron, Mitchell, what a pleasant surprise.
Sal, you okay? You seem not yourself.
Yeah, I feel like you used to blink.
I took your advice. Called Werner.
Told him I wasn't going to settle.
How did that --
How -- How did that go?
He was thinking that we might be something special,
and then I gave him the ultimatum,
and he said, "Maybe we're not actually meant to be."
I don't know what's happening. S-Sal, w-what are you doing?
Straightening up.
You know, a place for everything...
No. ...everything in its place.
Hey, what about this?
This was actually salvaged from the Bismarck.
Oh. Oh, wow.
That's -- Ah!
Why are you helping?
Feels good. Men suck.
No, no, n-not all men, okay?
We -- We just talked to Rainer, and, um, that wasn't a date.
What?!
Okay, why did you break that?
'Cause now I'm mad at you!
You made me break up with him!
Oh, my God. Now I have to call Rainer -- and Dylan.
Um...
Oh, Sal, sweetie... Sal, you gotta --
...you're spilling there.
Lift it, lift it. Oh, clumsy, clumsy.
I'll just make it all go away.
No! We are still on board. No, Sal.
We are sorry we made you call Werner.
We didn't know that that was gonna happen.
So you have to understand that you
Mitchell you want to step in here?
I'm getting dizzy.
I am --
Stop it! Okay, no more.
No more matches. No more matches.
Okay, what -- I don't know what to do.
Okay, well, maybe we should just...
Werner's precious Tony Award.
He keeps in at sea as the ultimate aphrodisiac.
For women?
Auf Wiedersehen, Award for Best Orchestration.
Oh, my God. No. Sal, Sal.
Haley, help. No.
I will not tell your gay son
that you threw a Tony into the ocean.
Give it to me! No!
Aah!
Oh, my God. Did she fall in?
No. I've got her right here.
Sal, we are so sorry.
If it wasn't for our stupid advice,
you would've left things alone and things might've been okay.
Shut up! Okay, okay.
That cold water woke me up to the hard truth --
I'm smart, I'm beautiful,
I'm legendary in bed, yet I do settle.
I mean, Werner is not good enough for me.
I mean, I get why you two idiots settled.
This is the best you're gonna do, right here.
You're perfectly matched.
Aww.
Well, it's kind of sweet when you look at it that way.
Yeah.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.
Shut up. Read a room, poofs.
Hey. Margaret said you keep the phone records.
Why? What do you need them for?
I'm still trying to find out who sent me those flowers.
You keep them in here? No, don't.
Don't.
Ben, why do you have this photo of me in your desk drawer?
I think someone's pranking me, probably.
I'm gonna go. Okay.
Wait, look. I sent the flowers, okay?
When you temped here last summer,
I became tempted by your charms.
Well, thank you, but aren't you like 40?
What? I'm 26.
I -- I had a SweeTART addiction when I was a kid
and I permanently damaged my collagen.
Wow. I've been in a series of bizarre,
shame-filled relationships.
You work for my mother. You still live at home.
Look at all those medications. Kiss me. What?
Whoa. Okay, that was very cool,
but you should know that I have dedicated my life to closets,
I am obsessed with your grandfather,
and I sleep with a body pillow that I put a nightgown on.
Stop, you're making it better.
Here you go. Busy night, sir.
I assume you have a reservation?
Yes. My wife made it.
She kind of dropped the ball on my gift,
but she came through with a table at the legendary Enrico's.
I'm sorry, sir. Enrico's is a couple doors down.
So, just yourself?
Uh, no, I'll be meeting my wife tonight.
That's the spirit.
What'd I miss?
This overpaid bum missed a putt.
I'm supposed to not like this.
Well, call me an idiot, Jay.
Sure enough, Alexa and I did end up in a hot tub together.
But around her third beer,
I suggested she have some water to stay hydrated.
She tried to shut me up by kissing me,
which I liked, but she kept calling me Travis.
Oh, my God! Is it still talking?!
Joe, you don't ever disrespect your brother like that.
And no more giving underwear to little girls, or anyone else,
'cause it's creepy and European.
Now go to your room.
It's fun when your kids get your best qualities,
but it's a kick in the gut
when they pick up stuff you hate about yourself.
I saw that ugly, impatient part of me
coming out of my adorable son.
In fairness, that adorable part also came from me.
We both got my mom's crab-apple cheeks and pillow lips.
Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.
We had a whole incident -- Mwah --
at the warehouse, a paint mixer blew up.
Luckily I had these overalls in my office I could...
Oh, you're mad, aren't you?
Mad?
I mean, was this the best Valentine's Day
we've ever had? no.
Was it the worst? Yes.
I gave you a great gift.
I tried to surprise you at the office.
You repaid the effort by making a reservation
at a truck stop and dressing up like Tom Sawyer.
But hey, maybe this happens to everyone, Claire.
Romance fizzles. Magic dies.
At least we can mark the exact time it happened to us,
thanks to my new watch,
which only a switchboard operator from the 1950s
could keep wound.
You mean this watch?
The Houdini handcuffs.
I've been taking magic lessons as a Valentine's surprise.
Wait a minute. The supposed hinge salesman at your office.
The Great Majesto.
Of course. I didn't recognize him
without his floor-length robe covered in question marks.
And we also really do have a reservation
at that really nice place down the street.
So, we should probably get your check.
Excuse me. Can we get the check?
But are you really dressed for...
So wonderful. I can't...
Mwah.
Come on, honey. We should get going.
Wait, uh, do you have the key?
No. But you do.
I don't deserve you.
Honey, you gave me a V.D. I will carry with me always.
Let's say "Valentine's Day."
You know, I never thought you'd beat my gift, but you did.
Oh, honey.
I'm beginning to think that mine
was a swing and a miss.
Hardly. Yours was fantastic.
But how about a swing with a miss?
You are killing it today! I know!
Did you cover that again?
I didn't. That's weird.
What the hell?
I transported it to the porch.
You're welcome.
I didn't ask him to do that...
or tell him where we live.