Listen up.
Any of youse goes stool-pigeon on me,
you'll find yourself in a Chicago overcoat.
Honey, you're not gonna talk like that
all the way to the wedding, are you?
Or all the way to that overpass?
Hey, at least you look cute.
Who picked my outfit?
I did.
My dad and Lorraine decided to have a 1920s-themed wedding.
Such a romantic time.
Yeah, dust bowls, the Klan, Prohibition.
Oh, I'm -- I'm sure they'll have alcohol.
Self-serve?
I guess the grease monkeys must be out back shooting dice.
Can they come out here and shoot us?
Oh, God, look down.
Haley?
We're going somewhere fancy, okay?
Where, the past?
Hi, Kimmy.
You didn't feel like dressing up, too?
What do you say those pretty peepers of yours
never saw the famous gangster Phillinger
and his ex-prostitute getaway driver?
I think a, uh -- a sawbuck should do the --
That's too much. I'm gonna get some change.
Enjoy dress-up day.
Mom, you need to control your man.
I cannot listen to this character all day.
Guys, you know your dad. You know your dad's dad.
We are up against unimaginable forces of goofy.
Just remember he does it out of love.
It's Johnny Law! Let's hot-foot it!
Ohh!
Phil!
What the hell is all this?
I got a rush order for my sauce,
and the kitchen that I usually use was booked,
so I have to do everything myself.
You know, I think I slept funny last night.
No, don't. I know better than to ask for your help.
Ah, good, 'cause I have a tee time.
On the way, could you take me to pick up my prom tux?
That sounds like something you'd love to do.
I so don't want to do that.
I'm turning 70 next year.
I know -- I look great.
One of the few perks of getting up there
is the ability to say no without guilt.
"Can I have a ride to the airport?" No.
Do I want to see your niece's recital?
Nuh-unh.
"Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global --"
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Was anyone in my room last night?
Not after I tucked you in.
Great. I have a monster.
I'm sure you're mistaken.
Nope. And we have to catch him before I go to bed tonight.
Joe, there's no such thing as monsters.
Calm down. I'm not gonna ask you to help.
Shaping up like a pretty good year.
Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking.
No, don't touch that!
I'm making that for Uncle Pepper's
costume party tonight.
The theme is famous movie duos.
Daddy and I are going as Leo and the "Revenant" bear.
You know what?
Where is Pam?
She said she was gonna be here two hours ago.
She has no respect for anyone else's time.
You know, she says she's gonna pop in for a "short stay."
It's like we're just supposed to rearrange our lives?
Hmm.
It's taken me a long time, but I've finally learned
that when it comes to Cam's sister,
anything I say can and will be used against me.
Do you think maybe we should, you know,
have the bartender cut Pam off?
Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a little bit messy.
Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of
making a fool out of yourself.
Go to hell, Mitchell!
You go straight to hell!
Whoo!
Well, her majesty has finally arrived.
I can sense how angry you are.
I know. I know. I'm late.
No, there's no late when you're family.
Although Mitchell was just saying --
So what brings you into town?
Modeling. Oh.
I'm sorry. Modeling?
Real-person modeling.
Back home, they put me on a billboard for the feed store,
and I caught the bug. Oh. Wow.
Next stop -- Hollywood.
Okay. wow.
So how long are you gonna be in town?
Well, who's to say?
Well, I was hoping it'd be you.
You can't put a date on a dream.
Mnh-mnh. Speaking of,
we need to take me to an audition,
and I'm a little jittery, so I was hoping you guys
would want to ride along for moral support.
Oh, actually, Mitchell and I have a r--
We have a really busy day. Isn't that right, Mitchell?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, this won't take long. Let's go.
On the ride over, I can practice my joint-pain grimaces.
Hmm. Oh! Oh.
Ohh! Are you okay?
I am! I am!
Oh, yeah, I know. You're good. You're good.
Ohh!
Again?!
Joe hasn't slept in that chewed-up sweater snagger
in years, but Gloria won't let me get rid of anything
the kid has ever touched, so I needed a plan.
Fortunately, when you say no to everything,
it frees up time to concoct ingenious schemes.
Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere.
There's nothing underneath the bed,
nothing inside the teepee.
Are you sure?
Yes, monsters need places to hide.
They're not like the evil spirits,
which are all around us.
What? No, no, nothing, baby.
Nothing. Look, my window's open!
Maybe that's how he got in.
Impossible.
If he came across the roof,
there'd be broken tiles or monster prints or...
My monogrammed money clip.
I snuck in through Joe's window last night because it was past curfew,
and I must have dropped my clip on the roof.
I needed to get it before Mom saw.
I can't afford to get grounded.
David Sedaris is coming to Barnes and Noble
on a school night.
I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber.
Okay. No!
If he falls from the roof and dies,
his ghost will haunt you forever.
Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.
Manny, help me out in the garage.
Do I get to say no to things I don't want to do?
No, at your age, it's unlikable. At my age, it's delightful.
Can you get those Easter decorations down for me?
I don't know if you remember,
but my back's been bothering me lately.
Uh, do I need to change my shirt?
It looks cobwebby up there.
No, just give it a tug.
You know, I never realized how close to the edge
that cinder block is to falling right on this beautiful crib.
Whoa!
Son of a...! You got to be kidding me!
Come on!
Quite the shindig, huh?
You mooks cool your heels.
I'll grab some hooch for this parakeet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Phil, why are we the only ones in costume?
Oh, you're right, doll. Something's screwy.
The invitation clearly said "gangster attire optional."
Optional?! Ow!
You dumbasses actually did it!
Jerry, get this!
No, Jerry, don't get this.
Uh, everyone, this is Lorraine's son, Ray.
Mother-daughter -- My favorite search category.
Shouldn't you be partially upright
on a "stages of man" chart somewhere?
What? Yeah.
Honey, you need to hear this right now.
Your family's embarrassed.
We're the only ones in costumes.
You do this all the time.
I'm wearing wool underwear.
That's an extra step you chose to take.
I'm sorry. I thought this would be fun.
Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea of a horror show.
When you picked me up from school in that hot-dog car.
Repeatedly screaming,
"That's what I'm talking about!" at my graduation.
Walking into my science fair on stilts.
Your exhibit was on daddy longlegs. I had no choice!
Oh, honey, you always have a choice.
You just keep making the wrong ones.
Guys.
Come on, now.
Well, look, it's Pretty Boy Dunphy.
Looking good yourself, Pops.
How, uh -- How you doing?
Well, I got my rings, got my vows.
Now all I need is a way to escape.
Please, someone help.
I'm kidding, of course.
Actually, I'm really looking forward to being married.
Then -- Then what's with the getaway bag?
Oh, I got to ask you to help me out
with what I think is a doozy of a surprise.
Come here.
Get this -- Mid-ceremony, you know, when you ask
if anyone has any objections?
Yeah? I'm gonna pull out
a Tommy gun and tell you to skip that part.
Sweet maple syrup. I like it.
I'm just getting warmed up.
I got a script, prop guns, exploding paint capsules.
I even hired a few of the local theater people to help out.
And, uh -- And Lorraine's cool with all this?
That's the beauty part. She doesn't know a thing about it.
80% of comedy is surprise.
The other 20% is wordplay.
Something wrong, son?
I think this might be a terrible idea.
What do you mean?
Lorraine might be one of those old-fashioned brides
that doesn't want a body count on her special day.
Dad, you and I like to have fun, but not everybody's like us.
Some people -- Some people think
our brand of humor is embarrassing.
Oh, you're right. Maybe I do overdo it.
I remember your mother was really ticked off at me
at your baptism when I kept pretending the holy water
was boiling.
Ouch! Ouch!
Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy today.
Don't worry about it. Thanks, Pops.
But, wait, you're still gonna do my funeral
the way we talked about, right?
That recording of you banging on that piece of wood
screaming, "Let me out of here!"
It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.
What are you doing? That accident that Manny caused earlier
gave me quite a start, so I figured
I'd pull everything out and put it back in a safer fashion.
Gloria, could you plug this in for me?
I want to dust off some of this stuff.
Did you call me outside just for that?
I got a back situation.
Maybe Manny mentioned it.
Oh, no! Wrong cord!
What have you done?
Geez, it seems like Joe's crib's damaged beyond repair!
No, no, it's fine.
It just Froggered across the street.
Leave it there. The garbage man is coming tomorrow.
And you're fine with that?
You're attached to everything related to that kid.
Yeah, but not to that stupid crib.
Do you know how many clothes I've ruined walking by it --
nice dresses, sweaters, a pair of high heels?
How do you snag a pair of high heels?
I kicked that stupid thing. How else?
Oh! Ay!
My trap worked! I caught the monster!
I got you now, monster!
Wait, wait, wait, stop! It's me -- Manny.
Prove it. Do I like vegetables?
Only with ketchup.
Manny, what are you doing here?
Uh, I just needed a place to practice
some new dance moves for the prom.
Do it.
What? Do the dance moves.
Uh...
I have to admit that that is very good.
But I know that you're lying.
Fine.
I was the one in here last night.
I came in through the window because I broke curfew.
I dropped my money clip,
and I was just trying to get it back.
Forget about going to David Sedaris.
I was wrong, Joe.
There is a monster in this room.
The key to real-person modeling
is not to attract a lot of attention to yourself.
This is me thinking about buying a car. Uh-huh.
This is me with a toothache, obviously. Ah.
Oh, this is me smart.
What was that, Mitchell? I didn't say anything.
I thought you said something about that we had a busy day.
No. No, I'm just happy to be here
watching a career get launched.
Oh. Yeah.
Hey, tell me if they call my name.
I'm gonna go pretty down.
Mm. Okay.
Can you believe her?
She just barges into our life and expects us
to drop everything and invest in this crazy dream.
Well, she really does look like someone who just broke her mop.
Okay, what is going on with you?
I'm not doing it anymore, Cam, okay?
Okay, you're too afraid to confront your big, scary sister,
so you use me to do it.
Well, I'm out, okay?
Until you learn how to confront her yourself,
you're never gonna get the respect from her
that you clearly crave.
Okay, you know what?
I am not in the least bit intimidated by her.
"Her" who?
Oh, the lady at the costume store that,
uh, M-Mitchell's pressuring me to go
pick up the costumes right now.
I go-- Okay, I'm going, Mitchell.
My gosh. My gosh.
Hey, give me a dollar
so I can get me some gum. Oh.
Here. Thank you.
My God, you're perfect.
It's happening!
You're absolutely unremarkable!
Terry, get out here!
This better not be another false
I can't not take my eyes off him.
Oh, I'm -- I'm not here to audition.
Say that again.
Yes, I've already forgotten what you said.
When they made him, they kept the mold.
Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?
Please tell me you're doing a scene from a movie
and not confused about what a mirror is.
Hi, honey. What's that?
A bag of plastic guns.
My dad was planning this crazy stunt at the wedding
that Lorraine didn't even know about.
There's a whole script for it and everything.
Don't worry. I talked him out of it.
No more embarrassing the Dunphys today.
I heard what you guys said, and I'm -- I'm truly sorry.
Oh, quick.
What nickname did Jennifer Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz?
J-- Never mind.
Hello? Yes, the rings.
Wow. He didn't say "J-Lo."
He also heard that siren and didn't say,
"There's my ride."
Did we break Dad?
And when was the last time you saw him
pick up a can of whipped cream
and not do his "I've got rabies" gag?
Oh, my God. Did we go too far?
Have we knocked the fun out of him?
No, no, no. Stop this thinking.
We are this close to having a normal dad,
and you are not ruining it.
Hey, guys, can I have Claire for a second?
Sure.
Ew, they're spending their wedding night right next door?
Calm down. The loudest noise
you're gonna hear is Grandpa getting out of a chair.
You look great. Oh.
How are you feeling?
Well, you'd think on my fourth marriage,
I wouldn't be this nervous.
Ah, I guess it never gets easier.
I remember my wedding.
My stomach was filled with butterflies.
And Haley.
I've always married such serious men.
Frank is not that at all.
Oh, I know, but if you can see past that.
Past that?
Yeah, he's got a lot of wonderful qualities, too.
Oh, sweetie, you're missing it.
All my ex-husbands were accomplished, serious men,
but bone-dry.
A day hasn't gone by that Frank hasn't made me laugh.
I hope I keep up.
Oh. But who am I telling?
You got lucky, too.
Sweet victory!
Okay, wait, wait.
Charge! No, no, no!
Not my hair!
What are you doing? What are you...?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?
Oh, nothing. We're painting Joe's wall
with monster repellent to protect him.
Looks like you're having fun, huh?
Honey, don't worry. We're not gonna ask you to do anything.
The trick to the corners is if you --
Yeah, yeah, we got it.
Go fix yourself a drink!
"Fix yourself a drink."
Right there, right there, Joe.
The thing about saying no --
You say it too much...
people just stop asking.
You stole my dream.
Okay, would you please stop saying that?
If you hadn't distracted those ninnies
with your striking regularness, they would have put me
in a national TV ad campaign instead of neither of us!
Why are you flipping out?
I-I am not in competition with you.
Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?!
N-No.
Well, maybe I am crazy, but I have a damn good reason.
Connect the dots, you dummy.
I'm wearing real loose clothes. I need money real bad.
My hair is lustrous like a lion's mane.
Uh, you're in love?
No, the opposite! I'm pregnant!
Okay. Oh, God.
The family didn't want me to get back together with Beau
on account of he's six-parts Chicopee and married,
but I did it anyway, and now he's in County
for punching a police horse in the face.
And if they find out, then they'll just know
that everyone was right about me being such a screw-up.
Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea.
I mean, how many months along are you?
Oh, all of them.
Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me.
I can see the judgment all over that generic face of yours.
This strap is cutting into me like a piano wire.
Would you mind going through my luggage
and pulling out my after-dinner bra?
If I must.
I'm home!
I didn't get picked. Thanks for asking.
Well, I have good news.
Mitchell and I are early contenders
to win the best costume in the human/animal category.
What are you doing? Self-comforting with food.
I've been working on that all morning,
and it is for a party tonight.
What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a cake
but stand around screeching about how pretty it is?
Okay, that's it.
Pam, you are rude.
You are disrespectful.
And you are going in for another bite?!
Put the fork down! Put it down!
It is high time that you start thinking
about somebody other than yourself!
Oh. So that's how you feel?
Yes, it is.
Then I guess it is on!
Don't. No!
You better run! No!
Get off of me! I wasn't ready!
Then get ready for this!
Hey! Cut it out!
Hey! That hurts!
Good, then it's working!
Oh, cut it out, you faker. I'm not even touching you.
I assume it's this one. Oh, what are you doing?
She's pregnant!
What?!
Hey! Hey! Cut it out!
Oh! Oh! Okay, okay.
Oh, no, I think my water just broke.
Is it on me?!
I'm fixing to reproduce right now!
Call 811.
No, Mitchell, that's for livestock.
Call 911.
Yeah, I-I know. I know.
Pamela, why didn't you tell me?
Well, why do you think?
I didn't want to disappoint you.
You know you're the person I look up to mo-o-o-o-o-st...
Whoa! Oh, my gosh.
...in the family. I am?
Why do you think I came here?
Oh. I wanted to be near you
when the baby po-- Aah!
Ow!
But I thought maybe if I got a job first,
I wouldn't look like such a pathetic me-e-e-e-ss!
Ow!
What? I'm so cold, Cam!
Oh, oh, here, put on Mitchell's bear costume.
Here you go. Come on.
Okay, so they are gonna be here in, uh, 10 minutes.
I'll never make it!
Okay. It's a-coming!
Okay! Mitchell! Mitchell, okay.
It's all right. We're here for you.
Help me get her pants off.
Okay. Yes. All right, we need to get
some pillows up underneath her hips
to get her birthing canal properly angled.
Yeah! All right, here we go.
Relax.
Mitchell!
I want to make sure that they don't miss the house,
so I'm just gonna... Breathe, breathe.
Frank and Lorraine, today marks the public and legal
joining of your souls, marriage being above all else,
a contract.
Uh, one of my favorite authors once wrote,
"If love is not all, then it is nothing.
This principle, and its opposite,
collide down all the years of -- of my breathless tale."
Seeing Phil bomb up there, I felt like a mama bird
who had just nudged her chick out of the nest
without a single pun to break his fall.
"For man can no more survive without love
than a cooper without his billhook,
nor a whaler less his flensing knife."
Words as true today as they were
when they were written 18,000 years ago.
That can't be right.
Now is the moment when I ask if anyone here
has reason to object to the union of these two people.
Thank you.
I object!
I object to you not handing over those diamond rings, preacher!
You heard her.
Hand over the ice, or I fill you full of...leed.
Lead. Honey, what are you doing?
Sorry, padre, you had your chance.
I now pronounce you dead!
When in the world did --
A lot of questions for a cadaver!
Ohh! Ohh!
Don't you see? These twos is in on it together!
Mind your own potatoes, Daisy.
Ohh! Excuse me.
This is my wedding and your funeral!
Ohh!
And one for the choir boy!
Missed me.
Hey, uh, you guys feel like doing one more paint job?
Only all of us this time?
Sure.
Sometimes life can be simpler than we think.
We're born...
You know, um, maybe we should let Pam and the baby
stay upstairs for a little while.
Mitchell was just saying -- No, he hates when I do that.
I was just saying that maybe you and the baby
should stay upstairs for a while?
Oh, Cam!
...we die...
You're all mad with the devil's brew!
...and in between...
Ah! ...if we're lucky, we laugh...
...which makes the journey worth taking.
With that in mind...
Do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I know...
...take Lorraine to be your long-suffering wife?
I do. Ohh.
You may kiss the tomato.
Yay!
Your bedtime was an hour ago, señor.
I want to finish this.
You don't even know how to read.
Stop worrying. There's no monsters upstairs.
That paint works.
Mommy, can you check it?
Okay.
Your mother won't even let me get rid of this sticky, old tarp.
She's attached to everything.
Someday soon, that will work in your favor.
Hey, careful of that cinder block.
Man, you couldn't budge that thing with a -- Oh!
Whoa! Whoa! Oh!
Great! Now I have a swamp monster!