Every afternoon, I've been going to Luke's campus
to help him train for rugby tryouts.
What do you say we practice that lineout lift one last time?
And... I got to go.
I don't want to be late for women's studies.
That's what I call my lunch break.
All right.
Good luck at tryouts.
PHIL: The other day,
something pretty interesting caught my eye.
Uh...
modifications must be made
to standard microeconomic procedures
to apply supply and demand analysis.
Hmm.
First, we construct a utility function,
where Y equals income
and X equals the cost of services.
Well...
Uh, next, we vary either X --
Pffffbbbbb.
What -- What's on your mind?
Well, um, with all due respect,
uh, you have a roomful of aspiring Realtors here,
and I worry that you might be turning them off
with all those numbers and formulas.
It's actually a very exciting business.
It's about people and -- and emotional connections
and magnets with your face on them.
You think you can just walk in here
and start teaching this class?
I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have --
No, I'm asking -- can you teach this class for me?
If I leave now, I won't have to pay the all-day parking rate.
PHIL: 10 minutes with the dean,
who, it turns out, I'd sold a house to,
and I was official.
Imagine Phil Dunphy shaping minds
in the hallowed halls of Sequoia Community College,
established 2016.
As you can see from this graph, it's not about X's and Y's.
It's about oohs and ahs.
Mm. Okay.
So, what does real estate equal?
80%...
eye contact.
(marker clacks)
**
All right. Your breakfast is almost ready.
You're gonna need all your energy for the courtroom today
in case you have to yell, "I'm out of order?
You're out of order.
The whole damn system's out of order!"
Might not do that.
I think I'm winning, so big fan of the system right now.
Anyway, it can't hurt Cam.
to have some experienced eyes take a look at this police work.
Sloppy. Sloppy, sloppy.
Okay, I know you fancy yourself some sort of detective.
You know, I was quite the amateur sleuth as a boy,
a real-life Encyclopedia Brown.
They called me Thesaurus Jones.
What I really need right now is just a few minutes of silence,
just like -- I would say my toughest case
was "The Case of the Missing Snowman." (papers thud)
You know, at first, I thought he'd come to life,
but turns out -- Oh. Shh! My trial!
REPORTER: Today marks the fourth day
of witness questioning by the DA's office.
Oh, my God. (sputters) Is that you?
I look like an elf that just walked
into his own surprise party.
No, it's like the time we tried to microwave a squash.
I -- Okay, this is my first big trial,
a-a chance to make a name for myself.
All anyone's gonna be talking about is that awful picture!
Okay, this is a disaster.
Th-- There's a place downtown
where all the lawyers go to drink.
It's called The Side Bar.
They put courtroom sketches on the wall
from everyone's first big trial.
Maybe nobody saw it.
(cellphone chiming)
Um...
Don't assume the worst. It could just be an Amber Alert.
(chiming continues)
CLAIRE: Hey, Dad. JAY: Yo.
Since it's our first day with our new partners,
I thought maybe you could get to work
as close to on time as poss--
I will try my best.
(cellphone beeps) Hi.
(chuckles) I'm sorry. Am I late?
NICK: No, no, no, no. Oh.
And we're not real time sticklers here. Ah.
We've found that team members really excel
when they follow their own energy rhythms.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Interesting, 'cause I've found
team members are happiest
when the company stays in business,
which means asses in chairs by 9:00.
Dad, could I just have a quick -- quick sec with you?
Sure.
Um...so, Dad, look,
the culture is just different here.
And you just can't come in with a sledgehammer,
or it's gonna create tension.
You don't want to alienate people.
So you want me to change who I am? No.
I just want you to hide who you are.
I mean, come on. Just a little bit.
Let's get rid of this.
Look at that. That's better already.
Who is this 50-something, huh?
Fine. I will be on my best behavior. Thanks, Dad.
(sighs)
So sorry about that.
Well, it's no problem.
Family time is so important. Uh-huh.
That's why we offer 14 months paid paternity leave.
Mm-kay. Let's see an update
on that Thinfinity model.
Ooh. Cool design.
Who do I high-five for that, huh? Everybody.
Our design meetings are organized around burstiness,
which is a rapid-fire creative process
that really just unlocks the unconscious.
Oh! (chuckles)
Does anybody else find that distracting?
Actually, it's great for left-brain stimulation.
I got winner!
(chuckles) We don't keep score.
No? WOMAN: (muffled) Watch out!
What the hell?!
You don't know about Zorbing?
It promotes mind/body balance.
It's kind of like the German version of Flerming.
Okay, that's it.
Now, I'm about to introduce you squids
to a little thing called
back-breaking, soul-crushing hard work. Mm.
How many heart attacks have you had here in the last five years?
Zero? Where am I?!
America loves closets,
and I'm here to build them, damn it!
And you get this back when I see people pull up in the morning
crying in their cars.
YYYYYeah.
(indistinct conversations)
Okay, must you?
You know what, we are gonna make sure
that sketch artist sees the best possible version of you.
Let's get those apples a-shining!
Okay, okay, stop. Don't!
Okay, your face gets weird when you make that "O" sound,
so avoid that.
A-Are you serious?
The defendant runs the Orange County
Oceanic and Ornithological Organization.
That was hard to watch. Wha--
All rise.
Last looks.
JUDGE: Be seated.
Mr. Pritchett, you may resume your questioning of the witness.
Okay.
Mitchell. Mitchell. He's here.
Only give him your best side.
Avoid the fluorescent lights, no O's,
and whatever you do, do not stand next to the bailiff.
He is breathtaking!
Oh, my God. Counselor?
Uh, sorry, Your Honor. Um...
Miss Carpenter... Bad side!
...do you recall seeing this man on the night in question?
Yes, sir.
And is he, to your knowledge, the C.E.O...
of the Orange County Oceanic and Ornithological Organization?
Counselor, you're mumbling. Oh --
Can you repeat that, please?
Does he run the bird and water place?
He does.
And is he here today in this, uh...
(scribbling)
As I was saying... Little further.
...is he here today in this, uh -- in this courtroom?
That's him.
Let the court note that I am pretty sure
that the witness has identified the defendant.
(gasps)
(scribbling)
Elbow patches?
Did you burn through another blazer at Benihana's?
Actually, it is for my new position
teaching real estate at your school.
What are you talking about?
They offered me a job.
But hey, listen -- listen to me.
Lifelong dreams aside,
I'm not taking this unless you're on board.
I'm definitely not.
(refrigerator door opens)
I get it.
Don't want your old Pops cramping your style,
so I'm -- I'm out.
(chuckling) It's just funny.
I Can't remember the last time I was this excited.
But it wouldn't -- wouldn't make any sense
unless you were excited, too.
Not even a little bit.
Right.
Those poor kids, though, huh?
I have so much to offer.
For example,
which house styles are sold by which cookie type?
French Revival -- (French accent) macaroons.
(normal voice) English Tudor --
(British accent) shortbread.
(normal voice) But... we both know what you want,
so, uh, I'll resign and go back
to trying to figure out what to do with my final years.
Okay.
(knock on door)
I need a place to stay for a couple of days.
Can't go home, can't go to school,
don't want to talk about it.
Got it.
I knew that Alex wanted to talk about it,
but I had a lot on my mind.
I had a rough morning with Joe.
Have a great first day.
Aren't you gonna walk me in?
No. In first grade, you have drop-off.
No one said anything about drop-off.
What if I can't find my cubby?
They don't have cubbies. They have lockers here.
Wait. Wait a second. Where's my lunchbox?
Oh, I signed you up for the hot-lunch program.
(inhales sharply) What is this place?
Okay, I've been feeling some pressure
about what to do after I graduate this year,
and my parents are constantly asking me about it.
I thought that you were going to work.
So did I, but lately, I've been questioning everything.
I even thought about becoming a fellow.
(gasps) Ay, Alex, that's a big change.
But at least you get to keep the same name.
I'm not even sure it's what I really want.
Okay, you have to be very sure,
because I heard it's even harder to reverse it.
Can we talk about anything else? Where's Joe?
He started school today.
He was so panicky when I dropped him off.
I don't know why. It's just first grade.
Just first grade?!
That's when the pressure starts!
Ay! You're freaking me out!
Alex is going to be a very nervous man.
(indistinct conversations)
Uh, e-excuse me, sketch man.
We'd like a word with you about your little drawings. Yes.
You don't remember me, do you?
Uh...
It's -- Um...
Well, obviously, we have offended you somehow.
Oh, were you the barista we had fired?
Here's a hint -- I once stayed in your upstairs rental.
Oh.
Who consumes an entire welcome basket?
We usually reuse half this stuff.
All the Altoids. He was here one night.
He -- He even ate the horseradish mustard.
What did he put it on?
We purposely don't give crackers.
JONAH: Ugh!
Hey. Hey.
We are so sorry we offended you, but --
Ooh, too late.
I own you two.
And I haven't even gotten to my best stuff yet.
I can go redder.
You wouldn't.
Just wait till I connect the brows.
Please.
We have a child.
Oh, fun -- a reporter from CNN.
Looks like this pretty little portrait's about to go national.
Uh... What -- What are we gonna do?
Okay, is it just me, or does this sound
like a job for Thesaurus Jones?
It's just you. No. Blackmail, Mitchell!
We just have to dig something up on this guy.
Shouldn't be a problem, because everyone's hiding something.
Everyone.
I feel like you're sitting on one more...
Everyone. Yep.
CLAIRE: (sighs shakily) (hushed conversations)
-(Clears throat) -Shh! Shh! Shh!
CLAIRE: Just as I feared, my dad had crushed the spirit
of everyone in that office.
I had to do something to prove
we weren't some stuffy killjoys.
It was time to bust out Party Claire.
(chuckles)
She'd retired after spring break '89.
(sniffs)
And again in '92.
Hey, do you have a second?
If this is about my respecting your process --
Actually, we want to thank you for laying down the law before.
Because we have gone soft as a company,
we needed a couple grown-ups to come in
and put us back on track.
You know, thanks to you,
we've gotten rid of all the distractions --
no more ping-pong tables, squirt guns.
The only thing we couldn't find was that giant --
CLAIRE: Break time, bitches!
Uh, it turns out this is a little --
Oh, my God! The Thinfinity!
I'm so sorry!
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
I -- Oh!
(creaking)
(clatter)
Sorry.
Sketch boy was unusually well-groomed
for somebody coming out of a government-subsidized gym.
Something wasn't right.
I was getting that old Thesaurus Jones tingle.
I decided to do some sniffing around.
(sniffs, exhales sharply)
Sketch guy's face had a kind of glow
that can only be achieved with expensive creams and unguents,
yet all I found were packets of cut-rate all-purpose lotions.
According to my sources, the gym had an executive level
that provides all manner of fancy spa products,
but it's for judges and attorneys only.
I created a diversion
by convincing the security detail
there was a towel emergency...
There's a towel emergency.
...and hacked into the gym's computer system.
Turns out he's been accessing the executive level
by swiping the ID of one Victor Graham,
a retired judge.
MITCHELL: Members of the jury,
the defendant, Mr. Kane, would have you believe
that he was working at the time of the crime.
Bald?!
...faced lies!
(door opens) Counselor?
Ah.
Because evidence would clearly suggest
that, um...
Oh.
...that while James Kane
does have an office on his company's executive floor,
he was nowhere near it that night.
Nice try, executive-level Jim.
...Kane...
we're onto you.
Ladies and gentlemen, before you've retired, judge...
...for yourself
and draw a more accurate conclusion
than the one Mr. Kane would have you believe...
Counselor, you're speaking weirdly.
I'm sure you will find the defendant's alibi
to be thin.
(scribbling)
Even thinner.
(scribbling)
(door opens)
Good afternoon, young Realtors.
I have a very important announcement
to make after class,
but in the meantime, if you would be so kind
as to open your books --
(voice breaking) Oh, boy. I can't do this.
Students, today is our last day together.
(students murmuring) Shh, shh.
I've treasured our time together.
Brett, I know we got off to a rough start,
but once we broke down those walls,
I'm not sure who was teaching who.
Whitney, you're the toughest single mother I know.
Lucy, you be good to your mom.
Bob, amazing how you battle that dyslexia.
Maybe ease off on the anger toward your parents, though.
They did you a solid giving you that name.
We're gonna miss you, Mr. Nudphy.
It's -- You -- You -- You flipped it, but...
(voice breaking) I'm gonna miss you guys, too.
(sighs)
Location. Location. Location.
You memorized it.
Now, for the second and last time...
class dismissed.
LUKE: Dad.
Luke?
How long have you been back there?
I pretty much saw the whole thing.
(sighs)
Hey, Dad?
Yeah?
Don't forget your coffee mug.
O-Oh.
I'm sure this all worked out for the best.
I'll, uh, probably miss
a few spontaneous Frisbee opportunities and...
apparently, a tumbling exchange program --
oh, well --
and an Amateur Inventors Association.
How much fun could it be changing the world, anyway?
"The Sequoia College Players Present:
A Hall and Oates Magic Show."
(car door opens)
Dad, wait. Yes, Luke?
Don't forget your mug again.
Come on!
Can't you see I'm meant to be here?
I'm sorry, but I've never had a school to myself.
I was always Alex's dumb brother or Manny's hot nephew.
Now I can finally be my own person.
I'm sorry. I get it.
I-I r-- I-I really do.
I think I was just getting a little overexcited.
I'll, uh...
I'll see you at home.
COACH WALLS: Dunphy.
Glad I ran into you so I can congratulate you personally.
Wait. I made the team? First string.
I got to say, your form on that lineout lift
(chuckles) was impeccable.
Thanks. Yeah.
(cellphone beeps)
Hey, Dad. I made the team.
PHIL: That's amazing!
I knew you would. You're a natural.
Well, I had a great teacher.
Aww!
So, listen.
This is a big campus.
Maybe we could both be here
if we promise to stay out of each other's way. (tires screech)
(engine revs)
Well, I'd hate to step on your toes.
No, no, y-you wouldn't.
(tires screech) I would hate to stop you
from doing something you're so good at.
I guess I could think about it.
I mean, it's not like I'd be there all the time.
I, uh, have class and office hours,
and I have the 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. slot
at the campus radio station on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Hey, if you want to be my sidekick...
Dad? You're right.
It's better if I do all the voices.
What's up?!
What's all this?
Well, you got me so nervous about Joe's terrible day
that I put all this out to cheer him up --
sundae, video game.
I even wrote him a little pep talk.
We're lucky to live in the golden age of medicines.
Hey, Grandpa, I'm staying here for a couple of days,
and I do not want to talk about it.
Cool.
(doorbell rings) (gasps) That's Joe.
Hey, is my dad home?
(whispering) Crap. What is my mom doing here?
Come with me.
I owe him an apology.
I made a huge scene at work.
Well, sometimes the best way to say "I'm sorry"
is in an e-mail.
Why don't you write him at JaysComputerMail@aol.com?
(voice breaking) I plowed over a bunch of people in a giant hamster ball.
And then I tried to impress the foodies
by ordering Indian for lunch.
And then I chewed some gum
to get rid of my coriander breath,
and I'm pretty sure some's in my hair.
And then I -- Oh --
tripped and fell and skinned my knee,
and everybody saw my underwear.
(door opens)
Crushed it!
First days are easy when you're cool.
Uh-huh.
I do feel bad for Conner B.
He brought stinky egg salad for lunch.
He's gonna have to eat with the nurse.
Oh, God! Ay.
Uh, Joe, why don't you go upstairs?
Ugh.
I just want to go back to my old office,
where I had friends.
I know.
Sometimes... (sighs)
...you know, we all have bad days.
And...(Sighs)
And sometimes, we have to -- to deal with mean boys.
Boys are mean.
You're right, Gloria.
I am right?
Mm.
Oh, you know what I love about this family?
Mnh-mnh.
We're not quitters -- especially you.
Remember how hard it was for you to learn how to swim?
It wa hard.
But now it's your favorite thing in the world
because it reminds you of how strong you are.
I mean, I like to swim...
Tomorrow can only be better.
Mm.
But just in case, I'll come at lunch,
and I will kiss you through the fence.
How about I text you around 11:00
and let you know how I'm doing?
So, you want to tell me why you're avoiding your mom?
I'm not avoiding her.
Hey, what's -- what's all this?
Danger O'Shea memorabilia. I'm a big collector.
Who's Danger O'Shea?
Legendary daredevil.
Got famous for jumping over a school bus on his motorcycle.
Get over here! Talk to me.
Tell me why you're avoiding your mom.
Okay.
Well, I've been on a science track my whole life,
which my parents love -- "Alex the scientist."
But...lately, I've been having second thoughts.
I've always loved singing, and -- and I've been doing
some open-mic nights recently,
and it's been going really well.
I see where this is going. Sing for me.
What, like...right now?
Just sing.
* Somewhere over the rainbow *
* Skies are blue
That was great.
Stick to science.
Wow. You really got a knack for pep talks in this house.
I'm not saying it's impossible.
I'm saying play the odds.
For example, you take this O'Shea guy.
Oh, good. We're back to him. But he was smart.
He started a business, got established.
And when he couldn't kick the daredevil dream,
he went for it.
And he was good -- real good --
until that fateful day he tried to jump
over a motorcycle in a school bus.
Fortunately for him, unlike his act,
he had a safety net.
His business. Jumped right back in.
Within a year, it was bigger than ever.
The point is, you've been on the science track for 15 years.
See it through. Build a foundation.
If in a couple of years, you still have the singing bug,
go for it!
I guess you're right.
It would be pretty dumb of me
to give up on the career path I'm on.
I could make half a mil my first year out of school.
Wow! What do they pay men?
(scoffs)
So, Danger never did another stunt again?
He still brings that maverick spirit to everything he does,
which is why he got to the top of his industry.
Some people think it's the greatest stunt he ever pulled off.
(scoffs)
Thanks for the talk...
Danger.
So, I won my case, and even better,
this is going up at The Side Bar. Yeah.
And now maybe you'll have some respect
for my investigative skills.
It was a pretty simple case, because, as I've said,
everyone has something to hide.
Everyone.
You know -- Everyone.
-- Captions by VITA --