[ Wind whistling ]
[ Snow crunching ]
[ Computer beeping ]
[ Door hinges creak ]
No mail. Again.
Hey, Portal, call Dad.
[ Computer pinging ]
[ Babies crying ]♪ When the rates fall
♪ They will refi
♪ And that'sthe Realtor's lullaby ♪
George, please!
Why are they still crying?
Do you think they know they're chubby?
It took us a while,
but we finally named our babies.
This is Poppy,
because that's my favorite flower.
And this is George,
because he came out looking curious.
You know, like Boy George.
[ Baby crying ][ Computer chimes ]
Oh, hey, Portal, answer. [ Gasps ]
Hi, Alex!
How's my little ice queen?
Didn't love being called that in high school,
don't love it now.
Hey, honey.Um, people keep asking --
tell me again what you're doing?
Detecting the presence of neutrinos
beneath the South Pole.
Yeah, you -- you can stop. I'm just gonna keep telling them
you're searching for the snow monster.
Seriously, Alex?
You can't come downstairs to talk to us?
I've been gone for a month.
Wait. So, that'smy hair in the drain?
Honey, is everything okay?
You look a little sad.
Oh, no, no.
I was sad earlier, and my face froze that way.
But no regrets about turning down
that cushy tech job in L.A.
[ Chuckles]
I mean, yeah, I miss Bill
and the safety of other women around,
but Grandpa was right.[ Crying intensifies ]
This is the time of life to have an adventure.
Is this a bad time?
Oh, no.No, this is our new normal.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ] We never sleep.
Well, I know all about sleep deprivation.
Uh-huh. The sun never sets here,
so I've been up for days.Yeah, that's fun.
Really nice, honey. I dream awake now.
Hang on a second. Haley.
[ Crying continues ]
Haley, I know that you are committed to breastfeeding
and the book,
but I think it's time that you considered formula.
It will help the babies sleep,
and the pediatrician said it is perfectly healthy.
I'm living proof. I was a formula baby --
had a full set of teeth at six months.Yeah.
But the book says --
Uch, the book.
What do you have against my book?
It is called "Your Parents Did Everything Wrong."
Dr. Goode is a celebratedpediatric life coach.
And can you tone downthe negativity?
Chapter six says that it cancause an allergy to peanuts.
Uh-huh.
Oh, man, no kid should grow up without Snoopy.
Alex: Sounds like a crazy morning.
[ Chuckles] I miss those.
My research partner, Yngvar, doesn't speak English.
[ Items clattering]
Yngvar: Is me who did that?
Hmm.
Except for what he learned from reruns of "Family Matters."
[ Crying stops ]Phil: [ Whispering ] Guys!
So that can be a little annoying
having a research partner not speak your language,
but I could also try and learn his language,
which I have.[ Computer beeping, volume decreasing ]
[ Whistling ]
Wake them, and I kill you.
Phil: Uh-oh.
Ah...Ah...
Ah...
[ Toaster pops ][ Sneezes ]
[ Babies crying ][ All groan ]
--Captions by VITAC--
♪♪
Ruff! More Spanish.
[ Trilling ] R-R-R-Ruff!
If this is role-playing,
I'd like to play the part of disgusted son.
I'm making a promo videofor my dog-bed company.
And Stella's the star,of course.
Today we're recordingher voice.
And I am doing the Spanish version.
Who's directing it?
I don't know. Me, I guess.
Wow,that's a punch in the gut.
Why, Manny? Do you want to direct it?
Why not?
Some of our best artistsstarted out making commercials.
Am I better than Spike Jonze or Guillermo del Toro?
Nope.
Listen, normally I would just
cook up some fake reason why you couldn't direct it,
but in this case, I have a real excuse.
Your old girlfriend, Sherry,
is the voice of Stella.
Jay, how could you?
After she broke his heart when she got repulsed
by the idea of getting married to him?
More overwhelmed than repulsed,
as I remember it.
She's already on our website
as Stella's voice.
Changing that now
could be jarring for our fans.
Like when they made
my GPS lady British.
I'd rather be lost
than talked down to by a snob!
Please, Jay.
I need to prove to myself that I'm over her,
that I can rise above itand be professional.
Fine, but if your emotions
get in the way of this production,
you will never work in dog-bed commercials again.
Don't worry.
My only passion
is helping you realizeyour creative vision.
By day's end, Sherry will be mine.
[ Birds chirping ]
Oh, no,which icon's birthday
are we celebrating today?
Uh, Lauren Bacall's.
We're dropping tulips by her grave later,
but that's not what this is.
No, I'm having some at-risk students over.
Why, you ask? I'm good.
Well, 'cause I want to bond with these kids.
I want them to know that even though
the rest of the world's given up on them,
I haven't.
I don't want to just be their Vice Principal.
I want to be their niceprincipal.
I can't believeyou let this happen.I didn't know there'd be wordplay.
Cam asked me to speak tohis students as an Assistant DA,
give them the perspective of law enforcement.
Truth is, I have been looking for an opportunity
to show off my new badge.
Even the most hardened criminals
shudder when they get a gander at -- Ohh!
Please don't be scratched!
♪ With a banjo on my knee ♪
I don't carewhat these kids did.
This is cruel. I know.
A vice principal that plays rock 'n' roll.
Am I a little different? Yes, I am.
I'm not like the other adults in your life
that are just waiting for you to mess up
so they can point the finger at you.
I don't want to finger a bunch of kids.
That's not how I get my jollies.
Cam. Cam.
I know what it's like.
I had issues in school,
and I was fingered left and right.
And let me tell you, it did not feel good.
Oh, Mitchell, should we be recording this?
Oh, yes, no one's gonna believe me.
How long is this gonna take,Mr. Tucker?
Oh, now, Mr. Tucker's the cool vice principal at school.
Here at my house
[Whispers] call me Cam.
[ Normal voice ] Okay?
And this is Mitchell.
He's an Assistant District Attorney,
and he is our guest speaker.
He's so white he's see-through.[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
We live in a society bound by laws.
Okay?
They're all that stand between order and chaos.
And those who violate those laws
wind up staring at the business end of --
Cam: [ Gasps ] It's gone!
What,the spotlight on you?
No, my porcelain clown figurine.
It's supposed to be on this table.
It's always on this table.
[ Gasps ]
One of youstole it!
[ Gasps ]
And on Lauren Bacall's birthday?
Cam. Cam. R-Relax.
Uh, isn't the whole pointof today not to prejudge them?
Oh, please, Mitchell. They're trash.
I know it. They know it.
Everybody knows it.
[ Babies crying ]
♪ Welcome home, my sweet babies ♪
♪ After escrow, get the key
Please don't sing that song.
Sorry, it's better than "Pop Goes the Appraisal."
Aw. Shh. Mom, what are you doing?
Stop it. The book says you're not supposed to
make eye contact during nap time.
They're babies,not Johnny Depp on a film set.
♪ Open house, noon to 5:00
♪ Such a charming fixer-upper
[ Snoring ]
[ Crying continues ]
[ Laundry basket thuds loudly ]
H-o-ow's it going?
Still crying.
You didn't make eye contact, did you?
That can't be a thing, Phil.
And I'm getting a little sick
of Haley insinuating thatwe don't know how to raise kids.
She can't be saying that about me.
I spent half my 30s in blanket forts with those kids.
You know what?
Youneed to get her to go to sleep
so I can put those babies downthe right way.
Our way.
She's crazed right now. How am Isupposed to get her to sleep?
I don't know. How did you do itwhen she was a kid?
[ Crying continues ]
Dad, isn't the drugstorethat way?
It is, but there's construction,
so I got to -- got to go around.
[ Sighs ] Is it warm in here?
I feel fine.
You know, uh, I just discovered this new station
called "Winds of the World."
Ooh, this is -- this is a good one.
If you close your eyes,
it feels like you're right there in, um...
"Open Prairie."
[ Nature sounds playing]Try it. You should get some restback there.
I'm not sleepy.
Well, you don't have to sleep.
Just, uh -- Just rest your eyes.
Uch. I don't wanna.
You are just grumpy 'cause you're overtired.
[ Whining ]Stop saying I'm tired!
Okay.
I know.
Let's make a list
of all the things we want to do tomorrow.
I am, uh -- I'm gonna have some waffles,
uh, go outside,
uh, make a list of all my friends' names.
[ Yawning ] There's, uh, the mailman...
the lady with the ice cream...house...
[ Snores ]
Cuando te acuestas en una cama de perro por Stella,
sabes que eres amado.
It's perfect, honey.We got it.
She's never gonna get there.
I'll ask one of the nanniesin the park to do it
next time I take Joe.
They love me.
I can never get out of therewithout a bag of tamales.
Well, there's our star!
Hey, Jay.Love the script, so fun!
Manny.
I didn't know you'd be here.
I'm your director.
No reason it has to be awkward.
As long as you do everything I say
between "action" and "cut."
Speaking of which,
I've been getting quite a bit of action.
And cut. Look, I'm renting this joint by the hour.
Can we just do this?
Hi, Gloria.
Hi, Sherry. Break your legs.
Okay, Sherry,whenever you're ready.
Boy, am I tired after a day of playing fetch, digging,
and sniffing other dogs at the park.
If only there were an American-made bed...
Ugh, I'm so sorry. That was terrible.
Manny, can we start over?
I never stopped. Oh.
You mean the commercial.Yes.
Although, that was exquisite.
I believed that you're a dog.
It's Gloria.
And you, you're embarrassing yourself.
What are you talking about?You're trying to win her back.
The unbuttoned shirt, the cologne,
the praising of her pedestrian performance.
It's not gonna work, Manny. Why not?
Because if you want someone to like you,
you need to make them wantyour approval.
Mom, that's a tired,old way of thinking
that doesn't work.
Here you go.
What do you think is wrong with this?
Damn it, the lemon! I'm sorry, baby.
L-Let's start from the top.
And this time, not so slow.
Stronger.
Assert yourself, Manuel.
And I couldn't understanda word you were saying.
Try to get the marblesout of your mouth.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, whatever you need.
Wow,maybe this could work.
[ Panting ]
While you're up,my shoulders are a little tight.
You mind getting in there?
I don't think you want my hands that close to your neck.
[ Voice breaking ] I invite you into my home,
and this is how you repay me?
Oh, I know what you were thinking.
"He'll never miss it. He lives like a king."
We didn't take your stupid clown!
Interesting you know it's a clown, Suzie!
You said it three times,Cameron.
It's Vice Principal Tucker!
Show some respect. I'm not your mom's pimp.
Mitchell: Oh. Okay, Cam.
[ Chuckles ]
Cam, I-I know you likeyour tchotchkes,
but aren't these kids hereso you can bond?
[ Ringtone plays ]Um...
Hey, Alex. Everything okay?
Alex: Yeah, yeah. I-I'm probably overreacting.
It's just I tried to make friends
with one of the scientists, but there's a language gap.
He misunderstood and kissed me.
So it's a little awkward now.
[ Giggles]
Uh-huh, that sounds fun.
What?! It's not. Oh.
I kind of want to come home,
but Grandpa was so excited about me doing this,
and I don't want to disappoint him.
Hey, you've disappointed him a lot.
What was that like?
Ohh, Alex,I struggled with this for years,
but I-I finally learned
that the most important thing is --
Hey, Alex! Say "Hi" to Santa Claus.
Bye! I'm at the South Po--
[ Cellphone beeps ]Okay.
Alright, I've decided what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna turn the heat up on one of the kids.
If they did it, they'll confess.
If not, the actual criminal...Mm-hmm?
...will feel guilty and step forward.
So, this is gonna beour whole Saturday?
Okay.
Why -- Why did we evenbuy bikes?
You took his stupid, little clown, didn't you?
I find it sadthat your generation
is so damaged and cynical.
It happened a few days ago.
I hated that thing.
It had to go.
I mean, that's how collections start.
I wasn't crazy about the cat cozy, either.
But I never intended
for Cam to blame it on one of those poor kids.
I mean, I was just gonna pin it on the cleaning lady.
Where's it at, Wonderbread?!
Uh, I don't know whatyou're talking about,Mr. Tucker. I-I swear.
Mitchell: Okay. Okay.
Let's just, uh -- Let's all take a breath
and just remember some of the basics of the law, okay?
We're all innocent until proven guilty.
Take it from someonewho is packing one of --
oh, dang it.Ooh, I left it in the kitchen.
Okay, stay right there.
This is lame. Let's bounce.Okay, no.
No one is bouncing until I get my figurine.
But I have to get home soon.
I've read your file,Belinda. No one knowsor cares where you are.
And...
[Inhales deeply] done!
[ Babies crying ]
Oh, why?! Why?!
What is going on?
How are they still awake?
I tried the vacuum. I tried formula.
I tried everything.
Not quite.
It is time to break out...
the big guns.
Hmm?
I knowHaley banned pacifiers,
but I bought these
when I thoughtshe was gonna be a fun mom.
Let's do it.
[ Crying stops ][ Gasps ]
[ Whispering ] Look at that.
It's working already.
[ Whispering ] Old-schoolparenting for the win.
They'll be asleep in no time,
unless they see each other.
Then they won't be able to stop laughing. Yes.
[ Snoring ]
[ Snorts ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Whispering ] What the hell?
Formula? Pacifiers?
Are you kidding me?!
This is a very weird wayof saying, "Thank you, Mother,
for settling down my babies.
I have a lot to learn from you."
You ignored everything I asked of you!
Haley, don't be so hard on your mom.
Ohh, you!
Those pacifiers have you written all over them.
Hmm.
[ Door opens, closes ]
[ Laughing ] Babies aren't supposed to smoke!
[ Coos ][ Both laugh ]
[ Door opens ]
How could you sneak behind my back like that?
Honey, we were just tryingto help.
Well, you didn't.
The book says 85% of pacifier users
grow up to be cat people.
I can't believe I'm saying this,but you need to stop reading.
And do what?
Do what? Rely on my instincts?
I don't have any. That is the problem!
Honey, everybody has instincts.
Oh, do I?
Because I keep waiting for them to kick in,
and they haven't.
And I don't think that they ever will.
I just -- Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom.
Sweetie, of course you're meant to be a mom.
Listen, it is normal to feel overwhelmed. Really.
It -- The best parents are the ones who worry
they're doing it wrong.
Same goes for lovers.
[ Baby crying ]
Wait, are the babies still on the couch?
Oh, I'm sure they're fine.
It's locked. Babies start rolling over at this age.
Oh. Do you have a key?
Uh, it's inside, but I hid oneout here years ago.
It's in, um...
[ Whispering ]It's in a fake rock.
Can't -- Can't find it.
It's -- It's too realistic.
Why did I spring for the good one?
I have to get in there.
[ Crying continues ]
Haley! Haley, what are you doing?!
Honey. Honey, be careful.
It's impossible not to fall off of that roof!
[ Grunts ]
Poppy! George! Mommy's coming!
Claire: Those sure look like mominstincts to me!
You're a natural!
Now we know how she used to sneak in after curfew.
And who's hanging the Christmaslights this year.
Yeah. Babies are up.
Somebody gonna take care of that?
[ Crying continues ]
When you lie down in a Dog Bed by Stella,
you know you're loved.
Was that any better?
[ Sighs ] Where to begin,where to begin...
[ Clicks tongue ]You've met a dog, right?
Yes.
And I know you've feltloved before.
So let's link those two ideasand try to get it this time.
Can I get some water first?
I suppose.
You should make her drink it out of a dog bowl.
That seems over-the-line,but you were right.
This is working.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Hey, Alex. Kinda in the middleof something.
Okay. It's just that things are spiraling
a little bit down here.
This guy, Yngvar, keeps trying to woo me
with things he's killed.
Oh.
Another fish. Thanks.
I'll...put it with the others.
We're still at this?Meter's running.
[ Clears throat ]
And...action.
When you lie down in a Dog Bed by Stella,
you know you're loved.
Wow.
You have her right where you want her.
Now, go in there, give her a little praise,
and then reel her in.
It won't be hard.
This is her best performance
since that improv audience suggested "Jackée O."
Alex: Yngvar does seem sweet.
I read the suicide rate here has plateaued.
Okay, that's enough. Wrap it up, kid.
Time to go home.
Oh. Thank you.
This has not been working out.
I mean, I just needed your permission to admit it
because part of me came down here to impress you.
See you soon, Grandpa. Love you.
So?
That was really good.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, thank God.
I mean, it's all you.
I've never had a directorwith such a sure hand.
It's so electric.
It is, isn't it?
What do you say we get a drink,Brown Eyes?
It was all happening.
I was on the brink of a directorial masterpiece.
This was the kind of thing that could launch me
straight into an unpaid internship.
Let's put a pin in that drink.
I wanna go again.
It took 63 more takes, but I got it.
When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,
you know you're loved.
You're a purebred. Stop acting like a mutt.
Again!
When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,
you know you're loved.
There's pain behind this.
They spayed you without your permission!
It's your body! Who decided?! Again!
When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,
you know you're loved.
Again! When you lie downin a Dog Bed by Stella,
you know you're loved.
And cut! We're good in here.
Anything you wanna try?
Not with you!
Cameron: Garbage.That's what I'm looking at here.
Human garbage.
Yeah, you're right.
It's just like my mom says --I'm nothin'.
I'm gonna join a gang,get a face tattoo.
I'm gonna sell my hair for nose drugs.
No, okay, stop!I-I can't take it anymore.
I'm sorry.I threw away the statue.
It was --It was just so tacky.
You guys, please don't give upon yourselves, okay?
You havevery bright futures.
Yeah, you're right.
They sure do...in theater.
Because this is the theater group from school,
The Emotivations![ Laughter ]
Bravo! Brava!
I found this in the trash the other day.
I knew you put it there and wouldn't admit it.
So I brought some very talented young thespians over
to portray at-risk youth.
He got you, girl![ Laughter ]
You know, I said I wanted to bond with these kids,
and I sure did.
We had some hard-core bondage.
You're gonna get fired.
[ Inhales deeply] Ahh!
This bed feels good on my weary bones.
Mmm!
Bones.
I'm gonna need money for reshoots.Not gonna happen.
Alex: Sometimes in life, you've got to know when to call it quits.
It's not always easy.
It takes a lot of courage to admit your mistakes.
The only thing you can do is try to learn from them
and keep moving forward.
Anyways, the helicopterwill be here soon.
So,I guess this is goodbye.
Aw!
I'll miss you, too.
[ Wind howling ]
Do you hear that?
There is no sound betterthan babies not crying.
[ Chuckles ] Mm, we're gonnaget so much sleep.
Or...
Again?
I just feel like I could do better.
Oh, you were fine.
Really? Mm.
Yes!
Mm. Good night.
Good night.
[ Window opens ] Hey!
What?! What is that?!What is it?!
Haley!What are you doing?!
I locked myself out again.
Oh.[ Babies crying ]
Great. Thanks for screaming.
Ohh.
Well...[sniffs] as long as we're both awake...
[ Snoring ]