Are -- Are you awake?
I slept for six minutestwo hours ago.
I'm gonna have to takea sleeping pill,
which means you're gonnahave to hide my car keys,
laptop,and Reba McEntire wig.
It's been a crazy couple days.
Uh, yesterday, I found out I didn't get
the college football coaching job that I had been chasing.
I was -- I was devastated.
And moments before that,we got a phone call
from our old adoption agencywith the opportunity
for us to adopt a baby boy.
So, a door closes...
A window opens. Yeah.
But do you answer it?
You don't answer windows.
Well, how fun for you. Cam made a little mistake.
I keep making lists of all the pros and cons in my head.
Uh, the -- the way a baby smellsis on both.
Okay, alright. Pros, go.
Okay, well, a baby to love. The sound of giggling.
You know, a bigger family,
an extra vote on whether to pullthe plug on us when we get old.
I'm worried that Lily has an itchy trigger finger.
Yeah, and another childwould help us figure out
how much of Lily's personalityis our fault and what's on her.
It would be nice to be vindicated.
Okay, other pros -- Christmases.
Dipping little toes into the ocean
for the first time,
the way a toddlerrun towards the door
in their jammies saying,"Daddy!"
Okay, you'd better hit me with some cons.
I'm practically ovulating.
Okay, no sleep, car seats, diapers,
coughs and colds, all -- all the doctor's appointments,
plastic toys everywhere.Everywhere.
Our -- Our place is already too small.
We don't have enough bedrooms.
Mnh-mnh.
Oh, God, the clock is ticking.
We have half a day to give them an answer.
Okay, you know what,no thinking.
On the count of three,say yes or no.
One, two, three...
I don't know.I can't decide!
--Captions by VITAC--
Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc.
and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can.
Hey, why is there a blackSuburban outside with a driver?
My company sent it.
I'm manning the Helo Dynamics booth
for the job recruitment fair at Caltech.
Wow!
Look at you, being chauffeured in a giant SUV.
When I picture you driving, you're crying in a Prius.
I do cry less when I'm driven.
And that outfit is on point.
Well, I mean, it's -- it's sortof a triumphant return for me.
I spent four years therein sweats, with greasy hair,
caring only about grades.
The only time anyoneever noticed me was when
I pulled out all my eyebrowsduring finals week.
Now I have a big job,swanky apartment,
shoes that cost morethan my first laptop...
Oh, it's like a rom-com --
you left a nerd and returned a hot nerd.
Ooh! Speaking of hot people,
maybe I should go and recruit for NERP.
For legal reasons, we need a science-y person
to endorse product.
Considering we're all a bunch of people who didn't graduate college,
we sell a lot of products that go inside of you.
Yeah, no,it doesn't really work that way.
A, you have to be invited,
and B,no self-respecting scientist
is going to endorse the nonsenseyour company is pushing.
Excuse me, but our copper-infused toothpaste
is on the FDA's top ten items to watch, so...
Phil! Phil, can you come in here?
I've worked up a little presentation
for my Skype interview, and Iwould love to get your feedback.
Yes, please!
You've been such a cheerleaderfor me with all my magic shows
and SCARB dinners,I'd love to be yours.
Hit it.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
I've been out of work for a few months,
and I've gotten kinda antsy.
To channel my anxiety, I have cleaned, I have organized.
Perhaps a bit obsessively.
Doctors were consulted.
One -- a therapist, so not even a real doctor.
But meds were quickly dismissed.
We didn't wantthe sexual side effects.
Anyway...
I am going to channel my anxietyinto a career.
I am interviewing for my dream job --
Senior VP of my favorite organizing chain store,
Organize 'Em!
I'm so excited, I could have an organaz--
You're better than that.
So, throughout the call, I'm gonna be referring
to this organizational system
that I created using the Organize 'Em products.
Smart. Yeah. Watch.
Oh, Ms. Beckman, what an interesting point.
I should jot that down.
Boop.
Bop.
Bam.
What the hell is that?
Oh, my God. What?
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, your dad came over to help me.
I gotta fix that step.
It splintered.
I wiped out this morning and landed on my head.
Yeah, but my call.
We gotta take care of that before someone gets hurt.
Someone did.
I mean, what if it was Haley with the babies? Or Dylan?
Or...?Or me. I threw up.
Holy Moses. Gloria was here yesterday in heels.
That could've been ugly.
I'm sleepy.
Buddy, you gotta move. Someone's gonna trip over you.
Hey, guys, we can't do thisright now, okay?
I've got -- I've gotan interview at 1:23.
Well, that's specific.
No, not for Audrey Beckman.
Her whole life is scheduled downto the second.
She's a god to OCD people.
Why do you thinkI've got that bumper sticker
that says "Straighten It Like Beckman"?
Can I come down now?
If I don't have the babies' bottles
when they wake up, they're mean.
You're not even in the terrible twos yet.
Oh, when do those start?
Okay, look, it's almost time.
Just please, nobody make anynoise, nobody go in that office.
I have all my ducks in a row.
I'm just gonna run upstairsand change my shirt.
Oh, okay, but be careful.
I know what I'm doing, I have got this.
Oh!Oh! Oh, boy! Oh, God!
My leg is stuck!
Somebody do something!
I'm really goodat getting rings off.
Do you want meto butter your thighs?
Hey, Dylan, sometimes I like to play things out
in my head first, if that's helpful.
Hey, honey, uh, we need to talk to you about something.Hey.
Sweetie, this is somethingpretty big,
and I -- I want you to brace yourself.
The adoption agency called --
I'm not going back!
Do you know what happens to soft, entitled kids in Da Nang?
No, no, no, no, no, no!No, no.
N-No. No.
There's a baby boy --
Ohhh.
I think you should do it.
Really? Just -- Just like that?What?
Whatever stops you dropping by my sleepovers.
You guys are way too focused on me.
Plus, I think it'd be fun to have a baby brother.
Oh? Although...
Although what?
Aren't you guys kind of old to be having a baby?
I'm getting into the juicy part of my teen years.
I don't want to have to take over for you.
Okay,we are not that old.
You're like 50.
Oh, my God! No!
Daddy's 44, and I'm 48.
You do realize when the baby's a senior in high school,
you guys will be senior citizens?
We will not be senior c--
Cam.Sixty-six.
I'll be sixty-six.
And I'll be sixty-one.
Well, sixty-two.
Not until June!
It's not working!My leg is really stuck in there!
It might be time to return to myidea.
I'm not cutting my leg off.
Think about how fast you would run with a robot leg.
Luke, your mom's not getting a robot leg!
She'd need two, or she'd just run in circles.
Come on, let's checkunder the stairs.
Yes, please, and hurry!
What the hell's the matterwith this house?
How could two steps be broken?
My God, the humidity.My hair's gonna frizz out.
That's why I never showany pictures from 'Nam.
Oh, no, I totally forgot about the humidifier
for my mushroom log.
It needed darkness and moisture.
It must have rotted the wood.
Wow, honey, you're reallywedged in here tight.
Yeah, no kidding.
Why can't you buy your mushrooms at a store,
like a normal person?
Store-bought mushrooms?
You really don't getmy generation, Boomer.
Maybe this'll enlighten you.
Open up.
Get your hand away from my --
Open up!
That's damn good.
Why do I always default to "no"?
Is Gloria right? Should I try slim-cut jeans?
Guys! What's going on down there?!
Your foot's stuckbetween two copper pipes.
We're gonna have to cut it.
It might take a while.
I don't have a while!
I can't believe this. I'm going to miss my interview.
And this was my dream job!
I was gonna get to organize the whole world.
And now everything is gonna stay so messy.
Can't you just reschedule it?
No! Phil, I'd look like a flake!
This is an organizational company,
not the loosey-goosey world of real estate,
where everything's "See you noon to three,
and I'll bring the cookies"!
Sorry. I'm lashing out.
No, it's okay. The lion doesn't lose sleep
over the opinions of sheep.
Honey, just take the callfrom there.
How ridiculous would I look taking a call on stairs?
Plus, I need my shelves, 'cause I had this whole thing
worked out with the products and --
You don't need gimmicks!
You were the C.E.O.
for Pritchett's freakin' Closets.
You know how many peoplecan say that?
Me and you!
And Margaret every five years,
when I went under for my colonoscopy.
Fine. Give me my phone.
I'll bomb the interview from right here.
She's lost her confidence. She needs those shelves.
You know what, if she can't get to the office,
we can bring the office to her.
You're staring.
I'm frizzing, aren't I?
Alex: I've got to admit, walking onto that campus...
All those eyes on me, the adoration...
It felt good. It felt right.
Like I had earned everything that was coming my way.
You suck!
No! You!
What?
Helo Dynamics is evil!
Excuse me? We help people.
Yeah! People like fascists,dictators, oligarchs.
What are you talking about?
We make things like facial scanners
that detect predisposition to genetic diseases.
Which oppressive governments use
to identify political dissidents.
Well, I mean, it's also used on video chats
to turn yourself into a unicorn.
Name one thing more fun!
Why don't you walk your fancy shoes outta here, you sellout?!
Why is someone wearing socks and sandals
yelling at your fabulous shoes?
Sellout!I don't know!
And what are you doing here?
Well, I'm recruiting for NERP.
I told you I need a science-y person.
You can't just saunter in here.You have to be approved.
Oh. Hey, kid. You don't care what you look like. You must be smart.
Want to work at a place that has a lot of hot girls?
Stop it!
Could you make this horriblesituation any worse?
Hell no, Helo! It's time you go!
I didn't do that.Together: Hell no, Helo, it's time you go!
Hell no, Helo, it's time you go!I've never seen nerdsswarm like this before!
We're not typicallya clustering people.
Oh, my God. It's Arvin.
Oh, no.I emailed him I'd be here.
Oh, this is gonna be so awkward for me!
The last time I saw him, I broke his heart.
Awkward for you?
These people hate me so much,they're making eye contact!
Alex? Hi!
What's all the com--
Haley.
Arvin. Hi.
I didn't know you'd be here.
This isn't going to be easy to say.
I got married, and I have twins.
I know. Yes.
It was the lead story in Dylan's holiday newsletter.
You sure you haven't been stalking a little?
No. No, that's why.
Alex, is this directed at you?
Yes. Yes, it is.
And they are so mean!
Hell no, Helo!
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, you -- you all know I'm a cool guy, right?
I'm chill with you calling me Arvin.
We had class outside that one time.
Hmm? Will you just give us a minute?
I assure you, she will feel the full effects of my rage.
So, how have you been?Not so great.
They're not fans of your employer?
Which is so unfair!
I'm doing very advanced research
that could have far-reaching implications.
Yeah. Of course you are.
One sec.
How do you sleep at night?!
Okay, so, you, too?
No, of course not.
I am not here to judge youor your boss --
Satan!
Anyway, I just thought I'd dropby and say a quick hello.
Haley, lovely to see you.
You haveto move on.
Alex, I wish you nothingbut the best.
Okay.
Right, guys. Now with feeling.
Together: Hell no, Helo! It's time you go!
Hell no, Helo! It's time you go!
What Lily said really got to us.
Maybe we aretoo old to have a new baby.
Yesterday, I found hairson my ears
and I yelled at the local news.
And I called Seinfeld "Steinfeld."
You know, but on the other hand,there are a lot
of men our age having babies.
Yes, but -- but they havesecond wives and nannies --
who are often the same person.
We just needed to talk to a -- a parent
that had a baby when theywere old.
You must be mistaken,because I had Joe when I was 35.
No, I remember.You had just turned --
She's not gonna budge.
Okay, j-just tell us, how hard is it?
Well, are there nights where you don't sleep
and you want to kill yourself?
Of course.
Are there shooting pains in your back
from picking the baby and putting him down?
Constantly.
Okay, well, is there a but?
It's hanging in there, but it's not the same.
Look, I know that you guys worrythat you're too old
or too slow to have a baby at this age.
But guess what.
You can!
Aah!
What the hell was that?A doll.
It was supposed to prove that you guys were ready
to have a baby,
but if this was a real one, you would have killed it.
Well, wouldn't it be your fault for throwing it?
Give me a break. I was trying something.
I'm in the middle of selling a house.
Oh, yeah,it's very cute, by the way.
How many bedrooms is it?
Three and a den.
Oh, that's one more than we have.
Mitchell, this house, huh?
Cam, I can't even begin to think about a house
when we haven't even made a decision about whether or not
we're going to --But maybe it's a sign.
You know, the new job goes away,a baby comes along,
and all of a sudden,we're standing in a charming
three-bedroom --Three and a half bath.
Which, holy cow, we could affordif we just switch back
to grocery store face cream.No.
And it's in a great school district.
You know what?She's right about that.
They have a full-time nurse.
We have a Band-Aid jarand a can of ginger ale.
Okay, we already have too much on our plate.
We're not buying this house!
Oh, and in the basement, they have a karaoke room
for people that want to impersonate divas
without their fathers seeing them.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to look.
I don't know, guys. Does it really look like I'm in my office?
Jaws wasn't a real shark,but I still wouldn't
sit on a toilet seatfor months.
How's this angle, Mom?
Um, uh, fine, I guess.
My cheek is itching! Is there something on my face?
Admiral Ackbar,what the hell happened to you?
I'll bet it was your stupid mushrooms!
Why do I try new things?
I'm sticking to my Brett Favre jeans!
Oh, God! That's her! That's her!
Shh! Everybody quiet!
Wait, I have to get up there with the babies --
Shh! Sit!
Hi, Ms. Beckman.
Thank you so much for this --
Jay: Achoo!Choo!
...opportunity.
You're welcome. Achoo!
I -- I wasn't mocking you.
It's just that wheneverI hear someone sneeze,
I have to sneeze, too,so that it's an even number.
It's --it's perfectly normal.
Oh, no, I completely understand.
A few years ago, I forgot to tapthe towel rod twice
when I got out of the shower,
and we lost George Michael that day, so...
That was you?
Let me tell you a little bit about our company.
Oh! I'd love that.
But first, I'd like to take some notes.
Tilt up!
That's what I love about this industry --
never a "dull" moment.
It's not plugged in.
We like to think of "Organize 'Em"
as a wellness company --
Achoo!
Choo!Achoo!
A mindfulness company.
Are your shelves shaking?
Uh...yeah.
Yeah, I think we're having a little earthquake.
You know what? Why don't I tell you
a little something about myself?
I like to think that I'm the kind of person
who can see where the consumer...
trends are leaning,
adjust quickly,
and lean back the other direction.
Oh, my God!
Do I love organizing!
Baby,do I love it!
M-Ms. Dunphy,have you been drinking?
Just lie. She can't smell your breath.
No, Poppy, no!
Oh, no.
What the hell is happening?!
I'm calling it.
I'm sorry, Ms. Beckman. This was a terrible idea.
I -- Okay.
I fell through a step, and my leg is stuck.
And listen, there's no company I would rather work for.
I didn't want to cancel on you, so I asked my family
to make it look like this was my office.
Jay Pritchett, closeteer, but you probably know that.
Achoo! Achoo!
Could you just please get him out of my ear shot?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Listen, I wanted you to think that I was a person
who had it all together, but I'm not.
The reality is I live in chaos!
But that's why I love your products.
When -- When my kids are fighting
or -- or the grandkids are crying
or my husband is making pancakeson a pogo stick,
I know that I can go into my office
and file bills in a color-coded divider
and experience one moment of peace.
I know I'm what your company needs,
because I know how much I need your company.
Wow.
I got the job!
I'm so proud of her!
I guessit's our lucky step.
Don't worry. It's just me.
Oh. See?!
You know what?You could have defended me!
Mm. Should I have?
Are you saying you agree with them?
I found their chant rather simplistic.
You know, I would have probably gone with something like...
"Helo Dynamics is a multinational corporation
that prioritizes profits over ethics."
I knew it. You arejudging me.
Do you judge allof your students like this?
Alex...
all my students don't have the potential you do!
You were extraordinary!
You were meant to change the world!
And it's not just me that thinks it.
Dylan said so in his newsletter.
Oh, spare me.
The sanctimonious academic,looking down on the star pupil
because of herthousand-dollar shoes!
Those shoes were a thousand dollars?
Damn it.Do they come with medicine for a village?
You know what? I hate to say it,
but I don't need your approval,because I love what I do.
Ah. Well, I am sorry to hear that.
Don't be.I'm sorry because I am assembling a research team
to create A.I. capable of everything
from discovering exoplanets in deep space
to biomarkers of disease in humans.
And youwould've been a superbaddition
to an exceptional team.
But pbht!
Well, Professor...
you can take that job...
and give it to me.
But I'm going to need youto match my salary!
I'm not sure we have that kind of money.
Deal.
I'm gonna go seeif I can still return these.
And finally, back to the beautiful family room.
It's great.
I mean, it is beautiful.
I can see you both
having a delightful misunderstanding here.
Okay, now, Mitchell.Hmm?
You know I'm not usually impulsive --
Please. You never goto the grocery store alone
and not come home with a balloon.
But that bathroom upstairs is amazing.
Yeah, and I -- I do love theidea of me having my own sink.
Our housekeeper would finallyrealize who the realvillain is.
Okay, so we should -- we should do it!
Let's do it!
Buy this house? Yeah.
We haven't even made a decisionabout the baby yet.
Oh. Another broker just sent me a text.
An offer is coming at six o'clock.
Great.Another ticking clock.
Let's also disarm a time bomb
while buying Beyoncé tickets online
with an expired credit card.
Okay, that one got to me. I'm having a hard time breathing.
I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack!
And this big family room with the cozy fireplace
is the perfect place to have that.
Okay, you know what, Gloria? Stop.
We -- We -- We need to think.
No, no, no,we do not need to think.
We need to stop this.
Okay, within the span of eighteen hours,
we're supposed to completelyand utterly change our lives?
No -- No big,life-altering decision
should be made that way.
You're right.
Here, let's -- Then let's not.
Okay.It's just way too much.
When things are right,
i-it shouldn't bea struggle like this.
You just know it.
Yeah. I know.
That little boy, he's gonna findan amazing family, right?
Of course he is. Yeah. Yeah.
You -- You know what? I already --
I already feel a little lighter.
And we don't needthe stress of moving.
No.Because you know what?
I love our house. I do, too.
It is not perfect. But neither are we.No. We aren't.
And neither is your car.
Can you please remove that thingfrom the driveway?
I'm trying to sell a lifestyle here.
Is that the adoption agency?
Yep.
Um...
I'll -- I'll tell them.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hello.
Uh, yes, my husbandand I would love to adopt him.
Let's write up an offer.
Dad. Wake up.Oh, what -- what -- what --
I think Daddy took a sleeping pill again.
Is he --
Yep. Okay.
♪ He taught me to love him
♪ And promised to love
♪ And cherish me over all others above ♪
Come on, sing it with me, Tucson!
♪ My poor heart is wonderin', no misery can tell -- ♪
Hey, Mitchell.I have a dozen wings for Reba.
Yep, okay, thank you so much, Corey.
We'll see you next time.
Tony, I'm getting a littlefeedback in my ear here.
Tony Hammond,ladies and gentlemen!