[ Birds chirping ]
Ah. [ Sighs ]
Listen to those birds.
Mm.
I love it out here. It's so peaceful.
We should have done this months ago.
I'm gonna go for a run.
Okay. Let's justmake sure it's safe.
Okay.
[ Whispering ] Okay, now! Go now!
Phil: Four days ago,
Claire and I moved out here to the driveway.
The house exceeded maximum capacity
when Alex moved back home.
She quit her fancy job
for something low-paying and ethical!
Yay.
Between her, Luke, Dylan,Haley, and the twins,
things have devolvedinto total chaos.
[ Pounding on door ]Alex! Open up!
My hair is drying, and I haven't put any product in yet.
Alex: [ Scoffs ] Go use Dad's!
Ugh! Can I get like two minutes to myself?!
Phil: Oh, my God!
[ Babies crying ]Hey!
You woke up the babies, you idiot!
Luke: [ Sighs ]Dylan: Haley!
[ Scoffs ] Great, now he'sup.
Darn it, Luke. That was my foot!
Who made macaroni and cheese and left it out?
Sorry, Mrs. D.That was me and Luke.
But in our defense, we were high
and got spooked byyour German dishwasher.[ Door opens, closes ]
Well, now the entire kitchen is covered with ants,
and so am I.
God, I got to take a shower.
Well, good luck with that. No more hot water.
Yep! Gonna lose a toenail.
There goes sandal season!
--Captions by VITAC--
Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc.
and brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can.
♪♪
[ Door opens ][ Gasps ] Oh.
Mitchell: Do you love it?
Oh, my God!You've gotten so much done.
Well, I wanted to finish it before the housewarming.
It looks so good.
Thank you! I swear it's this place.
It -- It makes me better at things.
I -- Yesterday, I threw my T-shirt
at the laundry basket, yelled, "Money!"
and it almost went in.
It's been a weirdand wonderful month.
We adopted a baby boy.
Yeah, and we moved into a new home,
which we love so much,
we named our son after our street.
Rexford.Rex Tucker-Pritchett.
With a name like that, he can be anything he wants --
a quarterback, a running back, a middle linebacker.
Oh, he -- he's got big feet.
Maybe he could be a kicker.
Why don't you believe in him, Mitchell?
[ Scoffs ] This is crazy!
We're out of everything!
Is that the last of the cereal?
Oh, we haven't had cereal in days.
This is formula over croutons.
They're grrrrrross!
Ooh, coffee dust.
Ew!
Don't -- Don't judge me!
You've been wearing bathing suits for underwear
since the washing machine broke.
I wish I hada clean bathing suit.
I had to cut leg holes into a shower cap.
Do I have coffee in my teeth?
Mm. Arvin wants to meet
before I sign the contract, for some reason.
Ooh.
I bet I know the reason why.
'Cause he wants to get with you.
No, he does not. He's about to be my boss.
Which is why he wantsto talk before you sign.
Nowadays, you get in troublefor dating at work
unless it's a pre-existingrelationship.
I know this becauseI had to go to an HR thing
thanks to some smoking-hot janitor
who can't takea compliment. [ Scoffs ]
Married mother of two, and you are insane.
Eh.
Arvin doesn't see me that way.
[ Scoffs ]
I mean, d-does he, do you think?
Yes!
He gets all nervous
and yammerywhen he's around you.
How do you stillnot know you're a babe?
Well, I mean, you did call me a frumpy nerd for 20 years.
Well, I didn't stopbecause I got nicer.
Who ate all the formula and croutons?
Where are Mom and Dad? We need food.
[ Sniffs ] Wait. What's that smell?
Phil!
Bacon?They're gonna smell that.
Oh, my God! I didn't think about that!
Quick! Eat it!
Ow! Worth it.
Hey! They have food!
And coffee. Are you guys living in here?
Mom, I need to borrow some underwear. [ Sighs ]
[ Door closes ]
It's not my fault. I tried to stop him.
Stop who? What happened?
[ Gasps ]
Ay, your hair! Where is it?!
Dad took me to his barber.
It was so cool!
Have you heard of Playboy?
I'm going to kill him!
It gets worse.
He went rogue on Mitch and Cam's housewarming gift.
So, he didn't buythe coffee table book
about Los Angelesthrough the decades?
Jay: Check this out!
Oh, my God![ Laughs ] See?
You don't get that reaction
from a picture of a dusty guy
picking oranges on Sunset Boulevard.
That's the ugliest thingI've ever seen.
But I like my hair!
No, not you, sweetie.You're perfect.
And no womanwill ever deserve you.
Hey, I don't know if you journal,
but you might want to dog-ear today's page
for your future therapist.
Jay, you can't be buyinghome décor things for gays.
Mitch and Cam aregoing to hate this thing!
No, they won't.
The guys are gonna love it.
Just like Joe loves his haircut.[ Sighs ] Ay.
Everybody's gonna thinkthat he has lice.
I hope not.
Bad hygiene is one of Miss September's
three biggest turn-offs.
[ Sighs ]
Mitchell!
I love this house!
Do you love it? Say you love it.
I do. I love it.
I love the flow. Ah!
I love the lights. I love the location.
There -- There's even a karaoke room in the basement.
[ Gasps ] So fun!
The last time I hada hot Mike in my basement --
You know what? I'm gonna wait till
there are more people here.
Yeah.[ Rex fussing ]
Oh, oh, the baby's awake.
Do -- Do you want to meet him?
I do. I can ask himif he liked our gift.
We never heard.
[ Cellphone ringtone plays ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]Hello?
Mr. Tucker. It's Jim Alvarez.
Athletic Director from
the University of North Central Missouri.
Uh, yes, of course. How -- How can I help you?
This is a bit of an awkward call.
As you know, you were the runner-up
for our head coaching job.
Uh, yes, yes, and, uh, you know,
Coach Ashley is a-a great guy, great choice.
No hard feelings. [ Chuckling ] I actually --
I sent him a bottle of congratulatory scotch.
Well, he drank it. [ Sighs]
Then he did a press conference
where he used some colorful language
to address a female reporter
and blamed some things on the Jews.
Oh, my.
The point is, uh,
the job is yours, if you still want it.
S-- I'm -- I'm sorry. W-What?
I know this is coming at you fast,
but I'll need an answer by the end of the day,
so talk it over with the mister
and, uh, let me know.
Um, uh, yes. O-Ok-- Uh, yes.
Okay, thank-- thank you very -- thank you very much.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Sighs ]
Ronaldo: Look at him! He's perfect!
Mitchell: I know. I know. It's all perfect.
It's like the universe gave me everything I wanted.
[ Sighs, groans ]
[ Glasses clink ]
[ Groans ]
Okay, family meeting.
Please. Sit down. Dylan, please. Thank you.
[ Sighs ]Now, um,
this is gonna sound harsh.
No -- No parent
with half a heart wants to say this,
so, Claire? [ Sighs ]
Fine. I haveno problem saying it.
There are too many peopleliving in this house.
[ Poppy and George babbling ]It's disgusting!
I think there's something alive
in the kitchen sink water.
It's just Sinky.
You didn't turn on the garbage disposal, did you?
O-Okay.W-We cannot live this way!
One of you has to move out.
What?! That's not fair!Are you serious?!
Are you kidding me?!That's not okay!You can't just spring this on us!
I mean,how could you do that?I-I just took
a huge salary cut.It's so unfair!
So it is really not a good time
for me to move.Me neither.
I just took a leave of absence from work
to spend more time with my family.
Well, I have two babies and a special needs husband.
It's true.I have a medical condition
that requires a room big enoughfor a giant mattress.
He sleep-wiggles.
Look, if one of you doesn't volunteer,
your mother's gonna have to pick someone.
Well, Haley's the oldest. There's four of them.
And honestly, it's only a matter of time
before she gets pregnant again.
[ Scoffs ]Especially since he's a wiggler.
Whoa! Wecan say it.
Well, Alex is the onethat has the most education.
[ Scoffs ] I shouldn't be penalized for being smart.
I'm not running for president.
What about you?Didn't you apply to college?
Yeah, and I never heard back from them.
College is rude.
Okay! You can figure this outamongst the three of you
as you clean up the house.
We need a nameby the end of the day.
Luke: Well, it's not gonna be me.
I just can't imagine beingapart from my best friend.
Nice try, Luke.
[ Whispering ] Help me.It's working.
Oh, come on.
[ Door opens ]
[ Up-tempo music plays on stereo ]
Hey, Cam. Look!
Cam! Cam!
Oh, s-- I'm sorry. My -- My mindwas elsewhere. [ Chuckles ]
Our neighborjust dropped this off.
So sweet!And -- And guess what.
She's a pediatrician. Ohh!
I mean, how lucky is that?Jotham: Ohh!
That's amazing!
Now you don't have tougly up the house
with baby-proofing.
Don't ever have kids.
There's champagne, there's truffles,
there's caviar.Ohh, city folk, huh?!
I mean, whatever happened to a basket of apples
and a thoughtfully misspelled note?!
I mean, huh? It's like...
Alright, give us a tour,
and make sure it includes the bar.Yes!
Okay, so let's start downin the karaoke room,
and then we'll workour way up to the master.
Oh, sounds like my dream date!
Sorry, I'm a single father. I never get out.
Is this still how we talk?
Okay. No. Uh, alright.Right this way.
Okay, I hope the big earthquake that we're long overdue for
doesn't hit while you're down there!
You're being so negative.
What is wrong with you?
Okay, look, I have to tell someone,
but you cannot repeat it to anyone, especially Mitchell!
Oh.
I just got offered
the football job that I wanted in Missouri.
But you just moved in!
I know. With a newborn!
I know! And you werethe one pushing for both!
I don't need a recap! It's my crisis!
We're here!
Mitchell: Hey! Hey, guys!
Wow! Joe, nice haircut!
See?See?
I miss his old hair.Stefan: It's cute.
He looks like Tom Cruise in "A Few Good Men."
I wouldn't mind cruisinga few good men.
Again, I'm sorry.
I spend all my timeat kids' birthday parties.
We're really probably betterthan this now, right?
Yeah.Jay: Anyways,
we brought youa housewarming gift.
-Oh. -Jay deserves all the credit.
Close your eyes.Maybe never open them.
Ta-da!
[ All gasp ]
He's an old-time barkeep. Now, check it out.
He's a big guy, like Cam,
and he's got red hair, like you!
Mitchell: Dad!
This is exactly what we needed -- a little whimsy!
I love it!
No, you don't. Other gays, tell him.
[ All speaking indistinctly ]
We're gonna haveso much fun with this guy.
We can throwa-an Uncle Sam hat on him
for the 4th of July,a pilgrim hat for Thanksgiving.
Or a rainbow wig for -- for Pride.
Well, it's a piece of art.
I don't think you want tomake it silly.
So, does this, uh, big fella have a name?
Sure does.
Since he's a combo ofCam and Mitch, he's Kitsch.
[ Laughter ]Oh, yeah!
Yes, he is! Dad, it's perfect!
Great. Now Mitchell's even happier.
I'm gonna die in this house.
Hi. Alex. Hi.
Come in. Have a seat. [ Chuckles ]
So, um...
So, I guess I'll just get right into it.
I-I didn't see this coming
when I asked you to work with me,
and I guess I'm sort of afraid...[ Items clatter ]
...how you -- how -- how you might react,
which, uh, explains why I'm acting so awkwardly
and why this sentence won't seem to end,
which is so delightful when Hugh Grant does it,
but I just sound like a raving --
Let me stop you. Please do.
I think I know whatyou're trying to say.
Uh, it appears there's someromantic tension between us,
and you're afraid thatonce I sign my contract,
we won't be able to act on it.
Uh...actually,
I was -- I was just going to tell you
that our project has been moved to Switzerland.
Damn it, Haley!
Well, [Scoffs] thenwhy were you hemming and hawing
and bringing up Hugh Grant,
which takes every girl right to rom-com?!
Well, I was afraid that you wouldn't want to move so far.
And -- And -- And --
And [Sighs] you know, I feel responsible
for you quitting your job.
Forget what I said!So, uh, Switzerland, huh?
Do they pay for housing?
Um, actually, yeah.
Perfect. Perfect. That solvesa big problem for me.
Yep. Count me in.See ya at the airport.
Oh, hold on! Ohh!
Um, it seems like there's something
that we should circle back to.
No, no, no. I'm fine.
Alex, I've never c-considered
a romantic relationship with you.
Oh, great. Let's relive it.
I mean, I'm so much older.
I-I-I dated your sister.
All good reasons.I'm at a meter, so I'm just --
But if it's something that isn't completely
out of the realm of possibility for you,
then I'd be lying if I said
it was out of the realm of possibility for me.
Oh. Okay.So, let's go back.
You're saying that if we had a pre-existing relationship,
or rather, a relationshipthat existed in a quantum state,
like two entangled particles --
You don't have todumb it down, but --
but, yes,
we'd be good to go, legally speaking.
Huh.
Well, then, maybe we should create evidence now
of a relationship that may or may not happen later?
What kind of evidence?
I suppose we could exchange saucy texts.
Seems logical. Yeah?
Okay.
[ Cellphone clicking ]
[ Cellphone swishes ]
[ Alert chimes ]
"You look beautiful today"?
Is that too much?
No! No, no, no.
I -- But -- But maybe deletemine, or just read it --
Oh, my God!
You're so much better at this than I am!
[ Whispering ]Didn't have to send that.
Maybe we should take a photo, you know?
Proof that we were together?
[ Normal voice ] Uh, maybea kiss on the cheek?
Yeah. How provocative.
Yeah! [ Chuckles ][ Chuckles ] Okay.
Um, uh,
and one, two, three.
Mwah.
Oh, God! Oh. Oh! Oh!
Good God! I'm so sorry.Oh!
I-I-I thought my --my lips and your cheek.
No, I-I thought you meant your cheek.
No! Wow! Oh! Okay.
Well, that -- that --We have it. Yeah.
We have it,and that's super important.Well done, us!
Oh, good God. Oh, just great.
[ Up-tempo music playing on stereo ]
Hello, you two! Hi!
How about a little quiche?
Oh! How European.
Mwah. Mwah.
Oh, Ronaldo, what's your secret?
Mm, Cam got offeredthat coaching job in Missouri,
and Pepper gothis eighth face lift.
What?! [ Sighs ] I know.
We don't buy soup anymore
because he can't close his mouthall the way.
Cam! You got the job!
And you're moving.Damn it, Ronaldo.
Apparently, Pepper's notthe only one who can'tkeep his mouth closed.
Go. Serve your little apps.
[ Sighs ]
I can't believe this.
Okay, don't panic.I'm -- I'm gonna turn it down.
Oh, really? But it's what you've always wanted.
I know,but Mitchell, he's...
[ Laughter ]I've never seen himso happy.
And I can't ruin that.
I'm -- I'm not even gonnatell him I got the offer.
Well, look, I-I am not a fan
of the idea of you guys leaving,
but if you don't tell Mitchell,
you're gonna end up resenting him.
No, that's -- that'snot how I'm built.
I make decisions,move forward, don't look back.
No regrets.
[ Glass clinks ]Mitchell: Hey, everyone?
Um, I just want to thank you all for coming
to see our new home
and meet our precious new roommate, Rexford.
[ Laughter ]
And, uh, I also want to thank my wonderful husband, Cam,
who really led the charge and made all of this possible.
I-I couldn't be happier right now,
and it's all because of him.
Now, if I could just get him togive up hogging the covers, huh?
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I haven't given upenough for you!
[ All gasp ]
This is so embarrassing.
I just realized Ronaldo was offering me quiche.
So, y-you were never gonnatell me you got offered the job?
It's just thatyou seemed so happy,
and I couldn't ask you to give that up.
Cam, you've been wanting to move closer
to your family for years,
and -- and this is your dream job.
No.
No. T-This is my chance to be there for you.
Are you sure?
Look, I-I don't care where we live,
as -- as long as you're there by my side.
Always.
Aww!Aww!Aww! Aww!
Alright, now let's celebrate with some champagne!
Yeah!
Mitchell. Mitchell. That was beautiful.
Well, everyone was looking at me.
What the [bleep] was I supposed to say?
[ Door closes ]
How are you feeling?
Uh, it's gonna be weird without them being here all the time.
Plus, they got the new kid.
Hmm.Poor guy's gonna grow up
with those Missouri closets,
thinking that's normal.[ Liquid pours ]
It was sweet how Mitch
didn't have to think twice about going.
Well, it's like he said,
it's his turn to support Cam.
Almost the same thingI'm trying to do for you,
except I'm pissing you off.
Because you won't do anything the way that Iwould do it!
I don't see anyone elsecomplaining.
That's the worst part -- that nobody needs me.
It's 2020. I shouldn't belosing jobs to an old white man.
[ Sniffles ]
When Manny gets homesick,
who do you think he's gonna call?
When Joe has a nightmare,who does he want?
And when I'm sitting here
already sadabout Mitchell leaving,
who do you think I wantto walk into this room?
Me? Of course!
And I think I knowwhat's going on here.
You're feeling guiltyabout working. Don't.
Do you think I ever felt guilty working
while you held down the fort here?
You sure didn't.
No, and now it's time
for you to go out into the world
and crush it.
While youhold down the fort
and look pretty?
Well, I'm not just a sex object.
I have other gifts.
[ Car alarm chirps ]
[ Sighs ]
That was a crazy day.Yeah.
I think I'm gonna be up for a while tonight.
You want to buckle yourself into bed
and I'll drive youaround till you fall asleep?
[ Laughs ]
You know, I-I don't want tosleep in the driveway.
I don't.I want to sleep in our house,
with our kids -- all of them.
[ Sighs ]
With what's going onwith Mitchell and Cam,
I just feel like we're losingenough family as it is.
It's funny.
I was feeling that, too.Mm.
You came down so hard on them earlier. Mm.
I'll go give 'em the good news.
Like hell you will!
[ Grunts ]
Hey! Hi!Oh, good. You're home.
Yeah. Are your brother and sister here?
I want to talk about this whole living situation.
Yeah.Actually, problem solved.
What?I'm moving toSwitzerland.
What?They're transferringmy research team there.
I get housing and everything.
So you're good.
Like, hot chocolate Switzerland?
Haley: Oh, hey!
Did you tell them our news?
Uh, just mine.
Dylan and Iare moving out, too.
Oh.Oh, but you don't have to!
Well, we want to. You guys are right.
It's time for us to go.
We did the math,
and we realizedwe had a million dollars.
[ Chuckles ]
Then we had Alex check the math,
and turns out we don't,
but we do have enoughfor a cute apartment.
Dylan: Now that they don't test on animals,
I've made extra money doing clinical trials at work.
The hours are long, but the mazes are fun.
[ Door opens ]
Sweet. You're all here.
Everyone can relax. I'll be the one who goes.
-Oh. -Oh, no, no, Luke.
It's okay.No, no, no, no.
I lied before.
I actually did hear back
from the University of Oregon.
I got in.
Oh, honey!Amazing!
That's wonderful!
[ Laughs ]We're so proud of you!
-That's amazing, Luke! -Yeah. Congrats.
Wait. You're --You're all moving out?
Really? We are?
Yeah.
Weird.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh! It's Arvin.
Sorry, I've got to respond to it.
It's a work thing. [ Sighs ]
I've got to get ready. I've got a date.
[ Babies crying ]
Oh, there they are.
Bet you're not gonna miss that.
[ Door opens ]Alex: Oh! Luke,I'm in here!
Luke: What are you doing?!
Oh, get out!
[ Door slams ]
[ Babies crying ]
I amgonna miss this.
[ Sniffles ]
Me too.
Hey. Everybody's gone.
Look. [ Sighs ]
I haven't called the college yet.
I wanted to talk to you first.
I know you were beinggenerous up there, and --
You know me. I-I can be happy anywhere.
No, seriously.
After some time, I-I'll forget all about this place.
We named our son after the street.
So we'll just change his name to the new street.
The coach's houseis at the intersection
of Route 13and Burnt Corn Lane.
Dear God, what are we doing?
I-I'm not gonna -- I'm not gonna fit in.
[ Sighs ]W-What if no one likes me? What if I can't find a job?
Are there -- Are there lattes?
A-Are there art house theaters?
Well, what if -- what if I never see
a black-and-white movie or -- or a black-and-white couple?
Hey. Where are we on this move?
Well, that's what Daddy and I
are talking about right now, sweetie.
'Cause I have a majorproject due on Tuesday,
and I'm not sayingI haven't started it,
but if you asked to seewhat I've done so far,
there wouldn't be anything.
We're going.
A-Are you sure?
I-I'm gonna need a little time to adjust,
but we -- we are going.
Are you okay with that?
Totally.I'll reinvent myself.
I'm gonna dye my hair blue
and carry aroundan emotional support pig.
Aww! I kn-- I know just the pig!
Cam, well, call the college.
Okay! I just want this to be the right thing.
If -- If this ends up hurting the family,
I would never forgive myself. No, no.
We're stronger than that, okay? We're gonna be fine.
[ Voice breaking ] Yeah.[ "Endless Love" plays]
Not -- Not now, Lily.
You guys are gonna end upsinging. Just get to it.
Excuse me, young lady.
We're -- We're having a-aserious conversation here, okay?
Do not reduce us to a couple stereotypical --
♪ My love
♪ There's only you in my li-ife ♪
♪ The only thing that's bright ♪
Now you.
Why do I always have tosing the female part?
[ High-pitched ] ♪ My first love
♪ You're every breaththat I take ♪
I didn't think this through.
♪ You're every step I make ♪
I do not like being the first person at a party.
Uh, oh, actually, you're the last one.
Yeah, Sal, everybody's gone.
What?! Boo!
Gays used to be so fun, before kids.
Come on! Let's do shots!
You know this house is onlya block from my new place.
[ Inhales sharply ]Well, it's not "mine,"
but I get to stay therefor free
'cause I let the guy who owns itwatch me on webcams.
[ Gasps ] Aah!
I'm gonna be coming overall the time!
Yay! [ Chuckles ]
And, um, Happy Face Emoji herecan babysit my dogs and kid.
And you guys cook, right?
Ahh, 'cause my gummy'skicking in.
Actually, I'm feeling better about the move already.Good.
[ Cellphone chimes ]Oh! Uh, Cam, our car's here.
[ Voice breaking ] Oh. So, this is really it?
Cameron: We are gonnamiss you all so much.
And, here,I want you to read this,
but not until after I leave.
It's gonna make me cry, isn't it,
you beautiful, corn-fed son of a bitch?[ Sobs ]
You guys are gonna visit,right?
Of course. And you all are gonna visit us.
It's just a couple quick flights
and a short Goober ride from the airport.
Did he just say --Wait, isn't Grandpa coming?
He said goodbye last night.
You know how he hates these things.Gloria: Yeah.
I can't believe I'm losingmy old skating partner.
Well, whenever you look at our old trophy,
just remember what a good team we were, huh?
I said I wasn't gonna cry.
And you're not.
Yeah. It's called strength.
[ Gasps ]Joe: He came!
[ Family "Aww"s ]Phil: Hey!I couldn't miss this.
My baby boy is going away.
Oh, Dad.Cameron:Oh, Jay, don't hate me
because your son's leaving.
Bothmy sons are leaving.
Mitchell: Aww.[ Voice breaking ] Oh, Jay! Jay!
Claire: Oh, my God.Oh, get in here. Get in here. Get in here.
Jay: A lot can happen to a family over the years.
New additions...Hi. [ Cooing ]
Get that!
Manny, go!
...new struggles.
Give me a second.
You don't always mark the moments,
because you're too busy taking care of life.
Best you can do sometimes
is remind yourself to cherish every single --
[ Cellphone chimes ]Oh. [ Sniffles ]
There's a tornado warning in Missouri.
Uh, our flight's delayed two hours, so...
-Oh. -Oh. -Oh.
[ All murmuring ]
Uh, yeah.[ Door opens ]
[ Sighs ]
You guys remembered my birthday!
[ Laughs ]
Together: Surprise.
It's nice we havethis extra time together,
thanks to that lucky tornado.
It hit an elementary school, Phil.
Well, no kids were there.
It's opening day of squirrel-hunting season.
Jay, do you want to come and join your family?
Jay!
He's been like this a lot lately --
in his own world.
Well, it's a tough time.
Mitch and Cam leaving,
Manny heading out next week,
plus I'm missing his birthday
for a tumbling congressin the desert.
You've probably heard of it.
Turning Man?
And don't forget that Joe and I
are leaving to Colombia for the whole summer.
How's that gonna be for Jay?
Rough.
If you drive past my house
and see me sock-sliding past the window
with a scotch in my hand,
that's just how I deal with grief.
Not to, uh, rush this,
but we are very behindon packing for our new place.
You know, we still needto box up all the baby stuff,
our linens, our book.[ Cellphone chimes ]
Well, don't stress out too much.
The -- The car is here. Okay.
Claire: Oh.Phil: So [Sighs]
this is goodbye again.
Mitchell: [ Sighs ] Yeah.
It's gonna take a minute
to ramp back upto all the emotion --
[ Voice breaking ] I'm there.
[ Family "Aww"s ]Get in here. Get in here.
Yes.Mitchell: Come on.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Sorry. One second. One second.
I need my arm.Oh.
Huh.
Flood warnings this time.
Oh, and a swarm of locusts hasbeen spotted in the flight path.
What part of the Old Testament are we moving to?
[ Birds chirping ]
Is it alive?
No.
Is it scissors?
Sure.
No, but you said it was heavier than a piano!
I just want this to be over.
Can we be done with games?Yes.
[ Family murmurs in agreement ]Yeah, we're done.
Your Earl Grey.
Oh, thank you.
[ Slurps ] Ugh!
Is there vinegar in here?
Congratulations. You're dead!
Never take a drink if youhaven't watched it be made.
Uh, he saw this special called "You Cruise, You Lose,"
and he's convinced
something bad is going to happen to me on my trip.
If this had been the real thing,you'd be on a container ship
halfway to the slave marketsin Tripoli.
[ Cellphone chimes ]Oh, our car's a minute away.
Okay. Alright.
Goodbyes Part 3. And please, no hugs.
[ Clears throat ]Lay off my linen suit.
It's already as wrinkled as my favorite pig
when she lost all that weight.
Oh, c-can we take one last picture by the staircase?
Oh, great idea.
I just don't think you have the time.
Alright, no gushiness.You know the drill.
Love, kiss, hug,"See ya at Thanksgiving."
Okay.Love, kiss, hug, "See ya at Thanksgiving."
[ All shouting indistinctly ]
Do not look back.Yeah, good idea.
You know, I don't think I could take the sight
of their tear-streaked faces pressed against the glass.
In many ways, it's easier for us.
I mean, we're off to a new adventure,
and they're stuck in the samedull, mirthless --
Family members: Cheese!
You're taking a family picture without us?!
[ Indistinct talking ]
Okay, well, you have madeleaving a lot easier...[ Sighs ]
...because, clearly,what this family needs
is some time apart. Uh-huh.
Let's...[ Cellphone chimes ]
Uh-oh.
Did any of us really not think
that was gonna happen?
Hail this time. [ Sighs ]
Okay, Mitchell, now that we have this moment,
I'm pretty sure youhave the skating trophy.
Um, I recently packed upmy entire house twice.
I think I would noticemy only sportstrophy, Claire.
Well, I haven't packed up my house at all...I don't have the trophy!
...and I know that I don't have it.Stop!
Neither of you has it.
You argued endlessly about which room it was going into
until your mother grabbed it
and donated it back to the skating rink.
Ohh.Ohh.
Okay, well, now our only option is the 9:00 p.m.
Fortunately, it's a direct flight into Kansas City
and then just a short hop on HamTrak, so...
Did you just say "Ham"--Jay: Fine.
Everybody get on with their day.We'll meet back here later.
Okay. Well, we got to pack.
Oh, we love our new place, by the way.
Thanks again for putting in
a good word for us with the owner.
Yeah, he just neededsome reassurance,
considering most of Dylan's money
is tied upin Dave & Buster's gift cards.
Mm.Safer than banks.
So, just because I'm curious --
Yeah, it's a livestock train, but people ride it, too.
But don't worry,
we're in first class with the show hogs.
[ Chuckles ]
Mitchell,we skated our little hearts out
to "Hungry Like the Wolf" for this thing.
I'm taking it.Damn it, it's locked.
You brought me here to steal?!
I can't go to jail. I am a gay prosecutor.
There's no prison gangs for that.
Relax.Just keep an eye out.
W-What are you doing? You -- You know how to pick a lock?
Luke's always getting lockedinto something.
Between that and trying tobreak into Haley's diary,
I'm kind of a pro.
By the way, thanks forgetting her on birth control.
Oh, yeah, what are uncles for?
Oh, security. Be cool.
Hi.
How many nights did we spend in these exact same positions?
Me doing homework by flashlight,
and you inventing new illnessesto get out of P.E.
Oh, yeah! Remember when I had frumbles?
[ Both laugh ][ Gasps ]
How about when Lukewould have nightmares
and drag his sleeping bag in here?
[ Sighing ] Oh.We'd wait till he fell asleep,
light candles, put on devil masks,
and wake him up. [ Laughs ]
He still can't form long-term attachments.
[ Laughs ] [ Chuckles ]
Couldn't have been easyhaving us as big sisters.
So...
maybe before we all move out,
we should mess with him one last time, right?
Oh, yeah.
It was 2005,
and we desperately wanted a dog.
So we made a video to convince our parents
that we could be responsible dog owners.
The dog, of course,was played by a 6-year-old Luke.
[ Chuckles ] He'd alreadyhad ringworm that summer,
so he had an entryway into the role.
Luke!
Okay. Okay. Get up here.
Okay. Okay, alright.
[ Both gasp ]
Haley: What was that?
Oh, my God! the Woofie tape!Oh, no! Oh!
You cracked it. Mom's gonna go insane!
[ Sighs ]She watches it every year on Mother's Day!
This is bad. This is bad. This is bad! Oh.
What should we do?This probably won't work,
but... Say it!
We could re-create it with you as the dog again... Mm.
...as a sweet gesture to make upfor what you'vedone.
There. [ Sighs ]
Wait a minute.
The Woofie earsjust happen to be here?
I must bethe luckiest bastard alive.
Let's do this.
[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]
So, Missouri, huh? Yeah.
You know, I'm -- I'm actually feeling pretty good about it.Uh-huh.
There are a lot of really great career opportunities there.
And with my experience, I could become a judge.
And we're clear. Hmm.
It's a pretty exciting time for you, too, huh?
Mm-hmm. Yeah? Big new job
at that storage-and-container company...
Yeah. ...kids moving out.
They're not.
But I thought that they --
They're not. Oh! Okay.
Haven't even started the job yet,
and you're already compartmentalizing.
And you're already judging.
This isn't working.
Hey, let's just forget it. Come on.
[ Sighs ]Oh. Oh, my God.
The claw machine.
Oh. Come on!
Remember how we killed at that?
Yeah. Yeah.You on the claw, me scouting from the side?
Aww. Wait a minute.
Give me a boost. What?
Yeah, give me a boost.What are you doing? What are you doing?
Okay, alright. This is our chance.
Okay. Now go down, down.
We got to go forward.
And d-down more. Down more.
Claw. Claw it. Claw. Clawing.
Clawing, claw.Okay, don't get cocky.
That's how we lost the Garfield bank.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I got it! I got it! I got it!You almost have it.
Got it! I got it. I got it.You have it! Yes! That's us! Okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Alright. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.We got it.
Okay, don't worry.This time, we'll share it.
But I get it first.
[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. That was so fun!
Oh, I never do stuff like this with anybody but you.[ Sighs ]
Well, also because I'm an adult with ethics.
[ Chuckles ]We make a great team.
Oh, my God. It just hit me.
This might be the last time that we --
No, no, no. No, no.We already said goodbye twice.
Keep it light. It's just that some
of my best memories are of you and me here.
That -- There, that's it. I'm done.
Would you say...you're hungry for more?
Hungry like...
♪ Dark in the city, night is a wire ♪
Ha!Ha!
♪ In touch with the ground
♪ I'm on the hunt, I'm after you ♪
This is more sexualthan I remember it being.Yeah.
♪ Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found ♪
I'm starting to think we won for the wrong reasons.
♪ And I'm hungry like the wolf [ Both howl ]
That's it.
We're finally out of my hot sauce.
Jay, are you hungry?
Jay?
What's wrong with him?
Is everything gonna be okay, Mommy?
You're scaring us.
Oh, it's okay, buddy.
Jay is just going throughsomething right --
Idiot!
I hope you like dancing for coins
on the streets of Calcutta.
Jay: I found more hot sauce in the garage.
Muy caliente.
Oof! I almost gave it away, there.
I got a big surprise for Gloria in the works.
I'm learning Spanish.
Every chance I get, I pop my earbuds in,
learn a few lessons.
Jay, do you want to come and join your family?
[ Man speaks Spanish]
Jay: Program's even got a cool feature.
Any phrase I want to learn, I just say it in English,
and it spits it right back at me in Español.
I'm sorry, I mean "Spanish."
I go back and forth without even noticing.
Loco!
[ Doorbell rings ]
Hey, you're sure now's not a bad time
to borrow your garment steamer?
Of course not.And this thing's a marvel.
Who knew George Foreman hadone more in him after his grill?
Phil. Hey.
I'm so glad that you're here.
Do you remember
that little problem that I told you I had?
Everyone has dreams like that.
The Japanese have a whole genreof comic books about it.
No, no, no. It's about Jay.
I don't know if he's losing his hearing
or he's depressed or what.
Probably he's ashamed to talk to me, but --
But not to his best friend.
Say no more.
I just need you to fill
a spaghetti pot with waterand boil it.
How is that gonna help?
Oh, it's a backup for Cam's suit.
I lost all confidencein George Foreman
after his teeth-whitening systemburned my gums.
Table for two, please.
Are you my waiter?
Hey, Jay. How you doing?
This isn't what I wanted.
I know you mightbe feeling a little down
with everybody leaving,
but it's not the endof the world, right?
I'm finished here.
Hey, don't you talk like that.
Could I please have a spoon?
Wh--
Whatever you need...
buddy.
Ahh. Whoa!
What?!What the hell are you doing?!
What?! I thoughtthat's what you wanted!
What, to spoon with me?! Yes.
Slightly out of character, yes,but it's an emotional time!
Everything's changing!I'm --
I was worried about you.
I'm fine, Phil.
And I'm changing, too.
I'm learning Spanish to surprise Gloria!
Of course.
[ Inhales deeply ]
Well, then, having added
yet anotherembarrassing incident
to our storied history, I will slink out.
Hey.
Today can't be easy for you either.
And I appreciate you're worried about me, but...
maybe start thinking...
what you want your next chapter to be.
Thanks, Jay.
[ Steamer hissing ]
Oh, uh, Gloria? Gloria?
I noticed your mascarawas still intact,
so I assume you haven'thad a chance to read my note.
No, not yet.Oh, well, you know,it will be hard on both of us,
but there's -- there's no time like the present.
Hmm.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
Aww, Cam.
Oh, uh, G-Gloria,maybe you didn't notice
that there's a second side to my note.
And you know what? Maybe it would help
if I played the music that Iused while I was composing it.
Oh, oh. [ Sniffles ]
[ Somber string music plays]
So nice.
[ Cellphone beeps, music stops ]What? Nice?
It was the perfect goodbye letter.
It's "The Notebook" meets the first 10 minutes of "Up."
It was enough to make you curse God
for giving you the ability to love.
It was a poemwhere every line started
with a letter of my name.
Okay, alright, I -- I know what you're doing.
You're putting up walls around your -- your feelings,
because you're not emotionally prepared
to let go of someone you love so dearly.
Manny.
Oh, yeah. He's leaving, too.
21 years.
Five careers.
Two husbands.
He was the only constant.
I can't start crying to himabout this now,
because I might never stop. Yes.
I don't want to put all that on him.
Yes, I know, but those feelings have to go somewhere, Gloria.
Why don't you do what I did -- put them in writing?
That might work.
Thank you, Cam.
No.
No, Gloria.[ Sniffles ]
Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me
to be your guideto spiritual awakening
the last 12 years.
It has been... a true privilege.
What are you talking about?
We've been alone maybe like eight times.
Shh.
Soar.
Hi, Mommy and Daddy.
We know you don't think that we can take care of a dog,
but you haven't met our dog, Woofie.
Woof!No barking, Woofie.
But you just said to --
Bad dog!
Ow! No!
And don't worry, we'll always remember
to feed him and keep him healthy.
Is there a pill in here?
So, you don't want a shiny coat?
And don't worry,we'll make sure he gets along
with other dogs.See you in a few hours.
Hours?
Woman: Come on.Oh.
You guys are probably worried
he's going to get the house all dirty.
Well, we know how to handle that.
Wait. How are we gonna do the --
Ugh! [ Grunting ]
So, as you can see, we can do this.
We know a dog's a lot of work,
but we'll never have todo it alone.
Yeah, it will always be the three of us.
Always.
The end.
[ Beep ]
You guys know you can call me anytime, right?
And it's easy tovisit Switzerland, so...
And I can still count on you
for relationship advice, right? Yeah.
I don't want to become one of those pathetic guys
that lets women manipulate them.
We're gonna be fine.
Sit.
Stay.
[ Sighs ][ Handcuffs click ]
Joe! Joe: Too late.
I just sold your kidneyon the black market in Zanzibar.
Joe, your brother's trying to take a bath.
Privacy, please.
Oh, Mom!
Mom, no.
[ Sighs ]
Thank you.
I know that you're the poet in the family,
but I wrote you a little something.
[ Sighs ]
[ Paper rustling ]
[ Sighs ] Oh, Mom.
I'mthe lucky one.
I'm gonna miss you so much, but I am so excited
that you're going to have adventures on your own.
Have the best year, Manny.
I will.
And I'm gonna miss you,too.
Come back in one piece.
I promise.
[ Handcuff locks ]What?
Talk is cheap. Mom!
What -- How am Isupposed to get out?!
You have everything you need to figure it out.
Slow down your heartbeat, look at your surroundings.
Uh, Mom, wait. Mo-- Mom!
[ Footsteps approaching ]
Wow.
This room. Yeah.
You okay?
It just got me thinking
about the empty house we first moved into.
Couple of newlyweds planning a cross-country trip,
but I kept getting morning sickness.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Six months later [Snaps fingers] --Wah, wah, wah.
You carried two boxes, Dylan.
I carried two humans.
Yes, Poppy and George. Who else?
[ Cellphone beeps ]We got the hang of it pretty fast.
Yeah, we were feeling pretty smart for a while and...
Guys, I'm on the phonewith the landlord in Geneva.
The apartment he has is4 1/2 by 11 meters.
Quick, what does thatwork out to in square footage?!
[ Muttering ] Meters and yards...
Yeah, no, no. I'm still here.
Bigger than... Are they bigger than? Well...
Oh, do you have this?That one's kind of ridiculous.I'll have to get back to you.
No, no, I was just following the path of this fly.
Ugh! I'll do it.Okay, give me a second.
[ Luke sighs ]
Which one of youhas the steadiest hands?
Haley: Oh, Luke,
we got a second key the last time that happened.
It's in the kitchen drawer. Come on.
[ Luke grunts ]
So, that's pretty much...
25 years of uninterrupted crazy.
Then, when it ends... it ends.
Until our next chapter.
I'm just brainstorming here,but, uh...
maybe we takea long-delayed RV trip
across the United States,
get selfies withall the Major Leaguebaseball mascots.
I must really love you, 'cause that sounds fun.
[ Sighs ]
[ Voice breaking ]They're really leaving.
What do we do?
[ Sobbing ]
[ Voice breaking ] What people have always done.
Leave the porch light on.
They come back.
Mitchell: [ Clears throat ]Cameron: Everyone!
I would like to, um, say a few words
before our car comes.
Two simple words, actually -- thank you...
[ Family "aww"s ]Aww, Cam.
...for making me feel so welcomein this family.
-Of course. We love you. -You are family.
A family that taught me so much.
From Jay, I learned to get to the point.
[ Light laughter ]From little Joe, I learned --
Cam, we only have a few minutes.Why don't --
Why don't we take that family picture, huh?
Yeah, let's do that.
-Great idea. -You got Rex?
Lily: I got him.
Luke: Hey.
I know people tend
to get mushyin moments like this,
but with you headed around the world
and me headed off to college...
[ Voice breaking ] We'll stay close.
How come you neverwrote a poem for me?
Don't you get it?
They were all for you.
[ Sighs ]
Chaqueta.
Sombrero.
What are you?
I know you're masculine.
What is wrong with you?
What are you talking about?
You're acting crazy,and it's scaring me.
You're too youngto be acting like an old man.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
I've been using this app, you know,
so I'll know what's going on
when I go with you to Colombia this summer.
[ Gasps ] You're coming?!
You've been staring at my familyfor 12 years.
Least I can do is stare at yours for one summer.
You're wonderful.
But no staring,
and never, evertake the same route twice.
Ay, Jay,you're gonna love it.
[ Indistinct conversations ]Okay, everybody, squeeze in.
Squeeze in for the picture.
Okay.
Yeah. Yep. Okay.
-Alright. -[ Chuckles ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Perfect. I got it!
Okay.[ Laughs ]
[ Cam sniffles ]I kind of don't want to let go.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
Yeah, me neither.[ Sniffles ]
[ Voice breaking ] I mean, it's Mitch and Cam now, but...
it's these three next.
[ Sighs ]
Who knows when we'll all be together again.[ Sniffles ]
Why is this so hard?
We've done this like seven times already today.
[ Light laughter ]It's hard because not everybody gets to have what we have.
[ Inhales sharply ] Oh.
Mitchell, I put the skating trophy in your suitcase.
I want you to have it first...Ohh.
...so that I know you'll come back.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, um... I'm gonna set an example
and be the first one to let go.
♪♪
It was awful.
♪♪
Jay: Life is full of change --
some big, some small.
I learned a long time ago, you can fight it...
Cameron: Oh!
...or you can try to make the best of it.
Jay: Ay! Ay! Ay!
[ Both shouting in Spanish ]
And that's all a lot easier
if you've got people who love you... Hey.
...helping you face whatever life throws at you.
At least, that's what helps me sleep at night.
[ Crickets chirping ]
♪♪