1 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:08,941 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 2 00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:10,943 [ sawing ] 3 00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:19,852 [ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive! 4 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,531 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 5 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,834 [ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ] 6 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:41,040 >> and now back to disney's "gargoyles." 7 00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,975 >> [ scoffs ] please stop saying that every 8 00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:44,977 Time we start to have sex. >> honey, come on. 9 00:00:44,979 --> 00:00:47,646 We are unattractive people. I'm just owning it. 10 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,815 >> find mcclane and bring me my detonators. 11 00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:52,684 >> unless you want it to get messy out there, I suggest you 12 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,686 Start organizing trips to the bathroom. 13 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:57,556 And fyi -- the east bathroom is being redone and only has a 14 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,091 Urinal. >> fine. 15 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:01,260 [ door opens ] [ hostages scream ] 16 00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,262 >> attention. If you are a male who has to go 17 00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:06,598 Pee really, really bad, raise your hand and keep it raised. 18 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:10,436 This is your bathroom pass. When your group color is called, 19 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,005 You must show the leader your pass before your group can 20 00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:17,076 Proceed to the bathroom. If you are a woman who has to go 21 00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:20,679 Poo, you are in the aqua group. [ static ] 22 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:24,349 >> hey, hans, I just took a dump in the east bathroom urinal. 23 00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:25,951 >> regroup! Everyone hand back your 24 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,954 Laminates. >> uh, this is the source of the 25 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:32,291 Transmission, but nobody's here. >> should a couple of space 26 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:34,626 Truckers be making first contact with an alien ship? 27 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,361 >> [ shouting ] sorry it's so messy! 28 00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,797 It's hard to get maid service in space! 29 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,699 >> [ chuckles ] who are you? 30 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:43,635 >> my name's gordon shumway. I crash-landed here. 31 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,972 How ironic! My ship goes down, my insurance 32 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,341 Premium goes up! [ both laugh ] 33 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,810 >> that was hilarious. Maybe we should take him back to 34 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,245 The nostromo. >> ripley here. 35 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,914 Quarantine procedure says we are forbidden from bringing any 36 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:58,984 Alien life form on board, kane. >> thanks, captain paranoid of 37 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:01,753 The s.S. "rules"! We're bringing this hilarious 38 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:04,857 Mother[bleep] aboard. >> ooh, nice outfit, brett. 39 00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:07,893 I didn't know there was a goodwill in space! 40 00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,929 [ laughter ] >> this guy's jokes are obvious. 41 00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:13,932 I want him off the ship. >> the crazy cat lady who 42 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:17,636 Doesn't want us to have any fun doesn't want us to have any fun? 43 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:21,373 I'm gobsmacked. >> seriously, brett, I dress 44 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:25,611 Better than you, and I'm naked! [ laughter ] 45 00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:28,881 >> [ coughing, choking ] >> whoa! 46 00:02:28,883 --> 00:02:31,984 Someone get that guy a tums! [ laughter ] 47 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,619 >> I can't not laugh at this guy. 48 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,354 >> your friend just choked to death! 49 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,389 Your shitty jokes are going to kill my crew. 50 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,758 >> can't you see, ripley? He's the perfect organism. 51 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,994 His jokes are flawless in structure and delivery. 52 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:46,431 He nails it every [bleep] time. >> but kane is dead! 53 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:49,601 >> the only thing that died is your interior decorator. 54 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,904 Geesh! [ laughter ] 55 00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,805 [ all choking ] 56 00:02:57,477 --> 00:03:01,580 What a delicious-looking cat. Allow me to introduce it to my 57 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,082 Stomach. Here, dinner, dinner, dinner. 58 00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:05,984 [ cat yowls ] 59 00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:14,726 >> get away from her, you hack! >> another outfit change?! 60 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:18,564 What is this -- the oscars? Ha! I kill me! 61 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:22,201 >> no. I kill you. >> hey, relax! 62 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:28,207 Ever hear of decaf? That's gonna leave a mark. 63 00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:32,277 Anybody got any bactine? >> just shouting something 64 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:36,415 Doesn't make it funny! >> is this because I didn't use 65 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,317 A coaster-r-r-r-r-r?! 66 00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:44,923 [ wind whistling ] >> just a lizard wizard in a 67 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:48,560 Blizzard, yo. Nothing to see here. 68 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,129 >> muckman, you stay here and keep April safe. 69 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:56,034 We'll go after shredder! >> man, shredder and stuff. 70 00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:58,303 Craziness. >> yeah. 71 00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:01,773 >> hey. Question. Is there a full banana peel 72 00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:04,710 Melting into my head right now? >> yes. 73 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:11,850 >> that is unfortunate. [ loud fart ] 74 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:16,688 What the...Who did that, man? That was probably krang or 75 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:19,324 Something. >> krang was never here. 76 00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:22,628 It's just us. >> nah, that was probably krang, 77 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:26,098 I bet. So nasty! That guy, man. 78 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,133 >> uh, that's impossible. I would've seen him. 79 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,535 >> nah, man. Nah, he was here. 80 00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:35,907 He blew ass, and then he left. >> muckman, I know you're lying. 81 00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:39,444 >> freaking krang, man. >> there is no way krang came 82 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,714 In, farted for 10 whole seconds, and then left. 83 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,983 I absolutely would've seen that occur. 84 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,853 Look, I don't care! You had gas! It happens! 85 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:51,590 Just please don't blatantly lie to my face! 86 00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:54,660 >> cool, man! No! Cool! Absolutely. I'm sorry. Cool. 87 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,061 We -- we are cool. 88 00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:01,967 Krang, man. >> it was not krang!! 89 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:06,138 >> [ panting ] >> have you seen my soap on a 90 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:08,240 Rope? How did I manage to lose it? 91 00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:12,678 It's on a freakin' rope! Ha! >> it's still not even a joke. 92 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,650 >> I'm glad we finally admitted we just don't work as roommates. 93 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,585 >> now people will stop saying we're gay. 94 00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:23,088 >> ah, this is much easier than one of us ever getting a 95 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,556 Girlfriend. [ knock on door ] 96 00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,224 Oh, that must be the new roommate. 97 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:30,128 I found him off craigslist. >> um, is that safe? 98 00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:34,533 >> where can I put my spoons? Hey, bert? 99 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,835 Dude, am I waking you up, man? Hey. 100 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,304 >> what?! >> you ever put a gun in your 101 00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:42,107 Mouth, just to get that taste on your tongue? 102 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:46,211 >> no, sam. >> hey, bert! Bert. 103 00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:48,680 >> what? What?! >> do I have blood in my 104 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:52,284 Mustache, bert? >> oh, is this another 105 00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:54,986 Harebrained scheme like ernie? Oh, my god! 106 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:59,291 You're shitting in the sink! >> your toilet insulted my 107 00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:02,094 Spoons! [ mid-tempo music playing ] 108 00:06:02,096 --> 00:06:04,162 >> hey, kids! Do you have trouble tying your 109 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,298 Shoes? Well, sam and I have a song 110 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:09,401 About it! ¶ tying your shoes is so much 111 00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:11,703 Fun ¶ >> ¶ the american government 112 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,740 Planned 9/11 ¶ >> uh... ¶ you make two loops 113 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:18,143 That look the same ¶ >> ¶ everyone knows there was no 114 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:20,445 Second plane ¶ whoops! Uh-oh! 115 00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:23,215 My tooth fell out! Guess another angel got his 116 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,851 Wings. >> hey, bert! Just wanted to -- 117 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,286 Whoa! What happened?! >> oh, ernie, I tried to make 118 00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:31,623 Sam the new you, but instead, he made me the new smackhead dave! 119 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:34,159 >> oh, bert, I can cheer you up. [ pop ] 120 00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:37,329 [ raspy laughs ] >> hey, I can do that, too. 121 00:06:37,331 --> 00:06:40,866 [ grunting ] >> aah! Oh, god! 122 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,101 >> don't go! >> I must, john connor. 123 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,704 To protect the future, I must be destroyed. 124 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:48,340 >> wait! Of all the abusive fathers that 125 00:06:48,342 --> 00:06:51,743 Came and went, you -- a-a terminator -- were the only 126 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:55,814 Positive influence. Stay. Be john's father. 127 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:58,717 >> dad? >> affirmative. 128 00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,553 >> you were supposed to pick me up from school and take me to a 129 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,121 Dodger game! >> oops! Forgot! 130 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,023 >> I order you not to forget stuff! 131 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,225 >> negative. A string of neglectful father 132 00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,661 Figures gave you a strong distrust of authority. 133 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,597 That trait led to your role as leader of the resistance and 134 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:15,967 Savior of the human race. So go get me another beer, you 135 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,737 Piece of shit. [ can clatters ] 136 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:21,606 What are you doing, idiot? >> writing a short story for 137 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:25,444 School. [ beeping ] 138 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:29,648 >> would you like my review? This is terrible. 139 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,918 You don't write stories again. You suck at it. 140 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,687 >> don't worry! I won't! [ sobbing ] 141 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:40,926 [ whirring, beeping ] I am drunk! 142 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:43,728 >> [ scoffs ] good for you. >> don't smoke in my house, boy! 143 00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:46,031 >> I can do whatever I want in my room! 144 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:47,766 [ beeping ] 145 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:54,473 >> now your room has no wall, so it's technically part of my 146 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:59,945 House! Hasta la vista, butt-nut! 147 00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:05,817 >> he has a point, john. >> if we're going to save this 148 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,386 Ship, we'll have to tap into the navigation computer and -- 149 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:12,057 >> winona ryder's on this ship?! Lock my trailer! 150 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,226 My ipod's in there! Ha! 151 00:08:17,363 --> 00:08:20,999 >> I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm 152 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:24,703 Smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. 153 00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:27,272 [ chuckles ] ohh, I haven't smurfed these 154 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:30,809 Things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot! 155 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,881 >> so, you're my new intern, huh? 156 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:39,084 >> that's right, farmer smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, 157 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:42,754 Little life -- I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career 158 00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,023 Choice. >> well, smurfs are a thirsty 159 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:48,793 Bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day! 160 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:55,000 >> we've been drinking caterpillar milk?! 161 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:58,436 Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna 162 00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,872 Smurf off! >> yep, my carpal tunnel got so 163 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,608 Bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place! 164 00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,911 >> but our healthcare is smurfy, right? 165 00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:09,281 >> eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries. 166 00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:11,950 >> what?! [ cash register dings ] 167 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:15,153 >> dr. Smurf, why are deductibles so high? 168 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,589 >> boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. 169 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:20,225 Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a jamba-juice run 170 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,060 In my gold-plated helicopter. Zoom, zoom. 171 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,762 >> actually, I'm not really qualified. 172 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:26,831 I -- [ door opens ] 173 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,134 >> we need dr. Smurf! Handy had an accident! 174 00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:32,337 >> did someone get a sliver? Oh, my smurfing god! 175 00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:34,573 >> I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! 176 00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,508 Half our building materials are fungus! 177 00:09:36,510 --> 00:09:38,944 Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this! 178 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,313 >> you can smurf his fingers, right, nurse? 179 00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:44,616 >> I'll certainly try. >> I'll certainly tried. 180 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,885 >> [ crying ] you can probably stop sewing. 181 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,820 >> no, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. 182 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,956 So, grouchy smurf, how's the coffee today? 183 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,591 >> I hate coffee! >> oh! Okay. 184 00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,326 But how do you like working here? 185 00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,628 >> I hate working here. >> oh, goodness. Okay. 186 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:59,297 Well, is there anything that maybe papa smurf could do? 187 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,800 >> I hate papa smurf! >> all right, what exactly do 188 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,736 You do around here? >> I, um -- I... 189 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,839 Hate stuff? >> I'm being deadly serious. 190 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:10,241 >> I...I... 191 00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:15,580 I hate shoveling dog shit. >> well, now that's actually an 192 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:20,719 Appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-shit smurf! 193 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:23,054 >> ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ 194 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,190 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶ 195 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,325 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ 196 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,494 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶ 197 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,630 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ 198 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,832 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶ 199 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,734 Ba-gawk! Bawk. 200 00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:41,439 >> hey. Question. Is there a full banana peel 201 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:44,209 Melting into my head right now? >> yes. 202 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:50,048 >> that is unfortunate. [ loud fart ] 203 00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,817 What the...Who did that, man?