[ thunder crashes ]
>> [ laughs evilly ]
[ sawing ]
[ electricity crackles ]
>> it's alive!
[ thunder crashes ]
>> [ laughs evilly ]
[ smooch! ]
[ laughs evilly ]
[ dance music plays ] >> uh...
>> mmm...M&m's. [ crunch! ]
Oh [bleep] gross, man. This isn't even close to an m&m.
>> [ chuckles ] they're reese's piece--
[ gasps ] what the hell?! >> [ growls ]
>> this one's throat is injured. >> their race is so primitive
And yet so fascinating. ¶ their skin is naked to the
Breeze ¶ ¶ did their fur fall out from
Some disease? ¶ ¶ they're pale and frail and
Smell like a latrine ¶ ¶ but I feel like I must take
The risk, for my chosen job is scientist ¶
¶ so even though my friends might find it too obscene ¶
¶ I'm gonna [bleep] a human ¶ >> what?
>> ¶ [bleep] a human ¶ ¶ [bleep] a ¶
¶ [bleep] a human ¶ >> cornelius, my pencil broke.
Be a dear and fetch me another? >> right away.
>> phew! ¶ this chick's cute, but smells
Like balls ¶ ¶ I guess she'll do when nature
Calls ¶ ¶ but astronauts are used to
Better ta-a-a-ng ¶ ¶ zira needs an astro-pimp ¶
¶ I'm limp to blimp when I see that chimp ¶
¶ perhaps our common language will be "gang bang" ¶
¶ I'm gonna [bleep] a monkey ¶ ¶ [bleep] a monkey ¶
¶ [bleep] a ¶ ¶ [bleep] a monkey ¶
>> human, you can talk! >> hell yes, I can talk, and I
Can also hear, like when I hear damn dirty apes vowing to stick
Their damn dirty ape dorks into us humans.
>> and I heard you vow to put your disgusting, hairless, human
Skin flute into one of us apes. >> on my planet, we have a term
For this... >> both: "best summer ever!"
>> if his theory is correct, any one of those diseases could
Be used to camouflage him from the zombies.
>> but he doesn't know which diseases are in the vials.
>> no, not that one. >> oh, this is brutal.
Oh, god, he's... >> no.
>> yep, he just injected himself with aids.
>> it worked. >> oh, but he definitely has
Aids now. >> oh, geez, he's -- he's
Celebrating. [ exhales sharply ]
This is sad. >> what's he doing now?
Is he going back for more? >> oh, I can't watch this.
Oh, god, we are making a snuff film.
>> isn't aids a livable disease nowadays?
>> that's hiv, not aids. >> come on, no!
>> oh, this is brutal. >> what's he doing now?
>> d-don't. No, don't! Don't do it!
This is absurd. >> did he just drink his own
Piss?! >> he's all hopped up on aids.
>> whoo! >> where did he get that
Sombrero? >> it was first prize for
Putting a fork in world war z! [ groans ]
[ retching ] >> oh, boy, it sure is a great
Day here on sesame street! >> yeah, especially since we're
The last neighborhood in new york that hasn't been
Gentrified. >> until today because our
Special guest is hannah horvath from the "marginally popular,
But ignored in the flyover states" hbo series "girls."
>> hey! Do you know where I could find a
Cocaine dealer/organic vietnamese taco truck around
Here? >> [bleep] me.
>> ooh, you're so cute.
I really love how you don't play games, grover.
>> oh, but I play lots of games -- patty cake and
Marco polo -- >> oh, yeah!
Insult my parents! [ moans ] oh, yeah!
>> whoa! Today we are going to learn
About the number 3. I have three apples.
>> and I know three girls who were date-raped at the same bar
On sixth street. >> that is sad.
[ chomp! ] uh...You're eating my props.
>> I'm proud of my body. >> I know. I know.
>> [ groans ] yeah!
>> oh, god! >> yeah!
>> [ laughs ] yeah!
[ tires screech ] >> [bleep] jerry, man.
That guy is always straight-up killing it.
>> and now back to "indian love boat."
>> siva will marry my uncle jarish, for he has paid
Her dowry. And, ravi, you will marry the
10-year-old daughter of your neighbor.
>> but I have already known ravi's touch!
>> you whore! >> I have shamed my family!
>> ¶ the indian love boat ¶
[ fog horn blows ]
¶ was this sketch progressive or
Racist? ¶
¶ the indian love boat ¶
¶ I wrote it, and frankly I'm
Not sure ¶
¶ the indian love boat ¶
¶ could I show this to an indian friend? ¶
¶ the indian love boat ¶ [ elephant trumpets ]
¶ maybe it's best to just move
On ¶
>> in 1998, two twins met and reunited their mom and dad in...
>> both: A parent trap! >> now we find out how it all
Began... >> I want a divorce!
>> thank god! >> ...With two little
Complications... >> you're pregnant.
>> both: Aw [bleep] >> with twins.
>> both: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
>> ...And only one solution. >> what?
You want to split up twin sisters?
You understand that children are not like monetary possessions.
>> I do not, your honor! >> neither do I!
>> okay, I'll allow it.
>> you go back to England with yours.
>> and you stay here with yours. >> both: And we never let them
Know the other exists. [ clap! ]
>> sometimes happy endings have truly horrifying, glossed-over
Beginnings! >> [ laughing ] bye forever!
>> ideally! >> it's good to be back.
Cool, man. Where's my food?
>> oh, it's over there. Yeah, it's on the filthy ground
Now, 'cause we hear that you eat food off the filthy ground now.
[bleep] savage. >> and we are in month three of
Overtime as the puck is still stuck under player 12's foot.
[ knock on door ] >> oh, goodie!
The whore I ordered. Oh!
>> hello, mr. Franklin! Oh, if only there was a way I
Could see more of her body and less of that face.
Oh, well. It's not like they make glasses
With two different types of lenses.
Hmm... >> and it was on that night that
Benjamin franklin came up with one of his most famous
Inventions. >> there...Should be a...Postal
Service! >> oh, yeah!
>> [ moans ] >> ugh, bruce!
All we've done since we got to florence is sit at different
Cafés and wait for alfred to randomly walk in.
>> listen, selina, I know alfred goes to some café along the
Arno, I just don't know which one, okay?!
>> can't you just tell him you're alive in an e-mail?
This is my fifth espresso today. I am about to shit myself!
>> selina, if you can just be cool, like, for once, this has
The potential to be such an epic and awesome moment!
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
Shut the [bleep] up. He's here! Just look cool!
[ dramatic music plays ]
>> that was it? [ farting ]
Aah! I told you! God damn it, selina!
>> [ italian accent ] hey, is that-a bruce wayne?
He's alive! >> son of a bitch.
>> ch-ch-ch-cheese!! Crikey!
Tastes like someone cranked off on me gums!
>> monterey! That's my vegan cheese!
>> call it cheese one more time. I dare you, sweetheart.
I [bleep] dare you!! >> you won the day, but I'll get
You next time, gadget! [ telephone rings ]
>> yes? >> hi, is this dr. Claw?
>> yes. >> yeah, hey, dr. Claw.
So, my name is nev. I'm actually a friend of
Inspector gadget, and he tells me that you guys have been in
Some kind of death struggle for about 10 years now?
>> [ groans ] that's right.
>> and you've never met. >> I'm shy.
>> so, this is weird, but I make a show for mtv called "catfish,"
And I'd like to set up a meeting with you and inspector gadget.
>> I guess. Sure.
>> are you ready for this? >> to meet the man who's plotted
In secret to destroy my life, all because you offered us a
Chance to be on television? It makes perfect sense!
My brain's been replaced with a boxing glove.
[ door opens ] >> hold on.
>> my name is regina claw. And I've been trying to kill you
Because I'm in love with you. >> go, go, gadget closure!
[ both crying ] my enemy, my friend.
>> hi, I'm nev. A couple years ago, I fell in
Love online. She wasn't who I thought she
Was, so I called her a catfish, the most disgusting fish in the
Sea on a national stage. And now I'm helping other people
Find their catfish, which is a super-complicated thing that
Takes way too long to explain. So, let me get this straight.
Some charlie guy has been sending you on missions for the
Last five years, but you guys have never met him?
>> it's a fun mystery. >> I'm afraid charlie might be a
Catfish. >> and...What's that again?
>> so, they used to transport cod across the atlantic and --
Look, it actually makes a lot less sense if I explain it.
Charlie, can you come out here, please?
>> all: Charlie?! >> you're the one who sent us on
Missions where we had to wear bikinis and sleep with men and
Then tell you every detail? Oh, this makes perfect sense.
>> so...Which one of us is the catfish now?
>> make it 40 cubits high, noah! >> I will, god!
>> noah, come on. You've been building this ark
For years, but have you ever met god?
>> no one looks upon the glory of god.
>> oh, boy. I'm sorry, noah. This isn't an ark.
It's a fishing boat. And you just caught a catfish.
God? >> sorry, man, I just --
[ clears throat ] I just -- I really needed a
Boat. >> you've changed my life,
Catfish. My name's not catfish.
"catfish" is the name of the show.
>> oh, really? >> [ screeches ]
[ both grunting ] >> [ screeching ]
>> ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ¶
Ba-gawk! Bawk.