1 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:08,941 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 2 00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:10,943 [ sawing ] 3 00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:19,852 [ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive! 4 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,531 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 5 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,834 [ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ] 6 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:44,410 >> hey! >> unh! 7 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:51,116 >> hey! >> unh! 8 00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:53,018 >> hey! 9 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:57,890 >> our game, "candy crush saga," is so simple and addictive -- 10 00:00:57,892 --> 00:01:00,659 Just match three items in a row! Ha! Why hasn't anyone thought of 11 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,561 This before? >> yeah, I came up with it when 12 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,797 I was playing "bejeweled," but more importantly, who should 13 00:01:04,799 --> 00:01:06,298 Direct the "candy crash saga" movie? 14 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:10,536 >> what about zack snyder? [ whooshing ] 15 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:14,540 >> unh! Ah! [ crashing ] 16 00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:24,183 Aah! [ crash ] 17 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:29,555 This ends now! [ children screaming ] 18 00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:33,592 >> millions are dead! >> but I found three orange 19 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,562 Candies! >> eh, too violent. 20 00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:39,264 How about tyler perry? >> ooh, lawdy! 21 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:42,568 I just got t'ree of dem little candies in a row, praise be to 22 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,803 Jesus! >> madea, three years ago, I was 23 00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:47,172 Sexually assaulted at a fraternity party. 24 00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:51,143 Now I'm addicted to crack. >> love is more powerful than 25 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:55,581 Any addiction, baby girl. In fact, it is one. 26 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,549 >> that got really dark and weird at the end. 27 00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,418 >> eh, they all do. You think it's gonna be 28 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,987 "big momma's house," and then it turns into some high-school 29 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,489 Girl's idea of a "relevant" play. 30 00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,624 >> those peter jackson movies make a lot of money! 31 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,893 >> ¶ pass the mints and share the treats ¶ 32 00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,229 ¶ won't the viewers think it's sweet? ¶ 33 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,298 >> this scene has gone on for 45 minutes, and I still don't know 34 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,667 What a hobbit is. >> run, you fools! 35 00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,503 >> eh, it doesn't matter who directs it. 36 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,304 We're the biggest thing on the internet! 37 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,406 It'll be a hit no matter what! >> you're right! 38 00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,675 Hey, I gotta get home soon. "shit my dad says" is on 39 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:24,943 Tonight! >> oh, no, phil. 40 00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:27,713 No. No, it isn't. >> hahaha ha-ha! 41 00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,915 Hahaha ha-ha! Hahahahahahaha! 42 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,984 [ cellphone rings ] hello? 43 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:35,687 Oh, dad? Why are you calling? What? When? 44 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,556 I ju-- I just saw her! Oh, my god. 45 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:40,592 Was the other driver drunk or... Yeah, I'll hop on the first 46 00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:42,327 Plane out of here. [ sniffles ] 47 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:46,598 I love you, dad. [ sobbing ] wuhaha ha-ha. 48 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:51,370 Wuhaha ha-ha. Wuhahahahahaha ha-haaaaaa. 49 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,772 >> "and the dragon and the squirrel skipped down 50 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,074 Peppercorn lane..." hey! 51 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,277 >> huh? What? >> I need you to understand that 52 00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:01,079 Once you fall asleep, there is zero value in me reading this 53 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:04,082 Book. >> I sure did have a good time 54 00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:05,918 Tonight, jack. >> yeah, me too. 55 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,121 Maybe we could -- oh, no! Tonight's the full moon? 56 00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:11,723 Run, sally! Run away as fast as you can! 57 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:16,328 I'm a werewolf! [ groaning ] 58 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:19,798 >> no, jack, I'm staying! I love you! 59 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,534 >> wait, what?! >> I love you! 60 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,704 >> [ groaning ] thank you? 61 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,807 >> "thank you"? I say "I love you," and you say 62 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:32,211 "thank you"? >> oh, are...We...Doing this 63 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:34,079 Now? [ groans ] 64 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,748 [ straining ] I think you...Are very nice! 65 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:39,785 I just got out of a long-term thing, so -- 66 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,587 Look, I'm turning into a werewolf. 67 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:46,091 You should really go -- aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooo! 68 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,894 [ sighs ] oh, god. 69 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:51,029 What did I do to sally last night? 70 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:54,800 >> you made me the happiest girl in the world! 71 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,909 [ both conversing in iranian ] 72 00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:15,721 >> oh, yeah! >> go, go, go! 73 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,223 [ machine gunfire ] >> stay down! Stay down! 74 00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:21,226 Get on the ground! [ clock ticking ] 75 00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,662 >> and you feel the army took advantage of you? 76 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,597 >> yes! I can't control what happens 77 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,466 When anybody says "hey, kool-aid!" 78 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,801 >> oh, yeah! >> what? 79 00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:30,969 >> what? >> what? 80 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:34,306 >> keep rolling. >> so, you see, kids, if you 81 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:37,042 Share with others, others will share with you -- 82 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:40,779 Aah! [ children scream ] 83 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,981 [ cellphone beeps ] >> siri, I'm hungry for a 84 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,483 Burrito. [ cellphone beeps ] 85 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,618 >> I'm sorry, bane. I don't understand you. 86 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,854 [ cellphone beeps ] >> I want you to find me a 87 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:51,089 Burrito store, siri. [ cellphone beeps ] 88 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,258 >> your voice is barely audible, bane. 89 00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:56,028 [ cellphone beeps ] >> burritos in bane's stomach 90 00:04:56,030 --> 00:04:57,629 Now! [ cellphone beeps ] 91 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,198 >> perhaps a mask was a bad costume choice. 92 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,700 >> aah! 93 00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:08,073 >> we will drink here, lawrence. >> wait. Who owns this well? 94 00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:10,242 >> we are thirsty! We will drink! 95 00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:13,278 >> who steal the water from the sheik? 96 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,080 >> aah! >> I'll break your back! 97 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:18,050 >> I'll make you humble! >> my name is t.E. Lawrence, 98 00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:20,819 And I could use your assistance in this war, sir. 99 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:25,490 >> now you friends with sheiky baby! 100 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:30,062 I'm gonna break your back! >> such bravery! 101 00:05:30,064 --> 00:05:33,732 >> I'll make you humble! >> he's quite the warrior. 102 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,401 >> young men make war. Old men make peace. 103 00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:40,005 Oh! Son of a bitch! >> I'll make you humble! 104 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,541 >> okay... [ camel spits ] 105 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:46,011 >> ah! I'll make you humble! 106 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:49,014 >> that's a little excessive. >> ah! [ spits ] 107 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:53,118 Sand show no respect. Sheik put you in the camel 108 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,454 Clutch! >> okay, this guy's crazy. 109 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,789 >> did lawrence and sheiky baby win the war? 110 00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,192 >> I don't know. This movie is 3 hours and 48 111 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,961 Minutes long. A lot of stuff happened. 112 00:06:06,899 --> 00:06:10,969 [ tires screech ] [ birds chirping ] 113 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,871 >> [ sobbing ] 114 00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:28,387 >> greetings, boos and ghouls! Boys and girls! Boos and ghouls! 115 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:30,288 [bleep] that was barely coherent! 116 00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:34,025 Tonight we have three tales of terror guaranteed to chill you 117 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,561 To the "groans"! Wait, the word "bones" was 118 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,663 Already scary. Why'd we -- okay. Who cares? 119 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,432 Let's keep this turd train rolling. 120 00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:44,436 [ thunder rumbles ] >> I love my new unicorn 121 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:47,506 Trapper keeper! The old gypsy said not to open 122 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:51,243 It after midnight. Oh, well. Couldn't hurt. 123 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:54,012 >> [ neighs ] hello, tracy! 124 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:57,783 Let's be best friends forever! >> oh, my god! Yes! 125 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,985 I love you! >> say, who's this? 126 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,454 >> oh, that's just my boyfriend, charlie. 127 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:07,125 >> [ nickers ] he looks fun. >> uh, yeah, I guess. 128 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:10,195 >> what's this? A pool party? Count me in! 129 00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:13,965 >> whoa! A unicorn! >> you look like you could use 130 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:17,702 Some sunscreen! >> yeah, I guess I do need some. 131 00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:21,973 >> whoops! No hands! Better improvise! 132 00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,576 >> [ laughs ] that tickles! [ laughs ] 133 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:27,145 >> oh, yeah. >> hey, charlie -- aaaaah! 134 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:30,415 >> [ muffled screaming ] >> could have sworn I tied a 135 00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:33,785 Sock on the door, tracy. >> oh, my god! You're a monster! 136 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,254 You're a pervert! You're -- aah! 137 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:39,558 >> that was a warning. Walk away. 138 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:44,930 >> I'd rather ride. [ both grunting ] 139 00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:49,534 >> ohh! Ooh, ahh. All you've done is made me 140 00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,336 Stronger. Uh-oh. 141 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:55,073 >> you wanna get sucked? Get sucked! 142 00:07:55,075 --> 00:08:00,579 >> nooooo! [ echoing neigh ] 143 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:04,683 >> it's finally over, baby. >> bye-bye, college fund. 144 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,052 >> college fund? [ camera beeping ] 145 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,187 Ew. >> oh, hello! 146 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,224 I was just enjoying the latest best "heller"! 147 00:08:12,226 --> 00:08:16,394 [ laughs ] this is actually dan brown's 148 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,430 "inferno." it's a piece of shit. 149 00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:21,433 Our next tale is something of an "alle-gory"! 150 00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:24,503 You might say it's a "meta-gore"! 151 00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:27,439 Let's just roll it. [ crickets chirping ] 152 00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:36,281 >> get out... Get out of the house. 153 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,216 Get out of the hou-- >> why don't you get your tongue 154 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,452 Out of your daddy's [bleep]hole so I can jam your mama's [bleep] 155 00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:43,288 Up there, you [bleep]-gargling pile of monkey spunk? 156 00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:47,592 Nothing to say now, huh? >> there's just a lot to unpack 157 00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:49,861 There. >> well, wake me up when you 158 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:54,065 Figure it out, shit stick. [ snores ] 159 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,967 [ yawns ] 160 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,207 Blam! Where's your [bleep]-ass art 161 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,310 Project now, [bleep] nut? >> it wasn't supposed to be art! 162 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,446 It was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! 163 00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:11,316 [ crickets chirping ] strawberry shortcake! 164 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:14,185 >> huh? What? >> get out of the house! 165 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,687 [ thunder rumbles ] >> aaaaah! 166 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,590 >> hey, [bleep] clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you 167 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,393 Take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's [bleep]hole and 168 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,828 Lick it clean before you shove it up your [bleep]? 169 00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:26,197 >> hey, stop talking about my dad's [bleep]hole! 170 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:29,100 I'll leave town, okay? Oh, fyi, that isn't blood. 171 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:32,637 That is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. 172 00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,140 All I did was turn the painting upside down. 173 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,542 Live with it. >> do you think he was right 174 00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:41,179 About the insulation? That could be berry expensive. 175 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:44,549 >> hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a 176 00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:48,086 [bleep], shit tits! Dun dun-dun-daaaa! 177 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,988 Bitch pudding! Blam! 178 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,524 [ crash ] >> I should really move. 179 00:09:52,526 --> 00:09:55,760 >> now that's what I call bare-bones storytelling! 180 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:59,097 [ laughs ] it's like the writers were 181 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,334 "scare-ly" trying! [ laughs ] 182 00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:05,403 Let's keep moving. >> honey, I'm running to the 183 00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,372 Store! >> you be careful out there, 184 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,274 George r.R. Martin. 185 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:17,048 >> hey, george! George r.R. Martin! 186 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,217 George! >> when's the next book gonna be 187 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,986 Finished? >> will it be finished today? 188 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,821 >> say today! >> is jon snow's mom really 189 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,723 Melisandre? It makes perfect sense, if you 190 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,191 Think about it! >> hey, george! 191 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,526 If the land beyond the wall is a metaphor for canada... 192 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,895 >> ...Then what's new jersey? >> are dire wolves real? 193 00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,897 >> can I have emilia clarke's phone number? 194 00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,799 >> three-eyed raven! >> can I do brienne? 195 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:39,671 >> stay -- stay back! >> george r.R. Martin! 196 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:40,705 >> oh! No! No! 197 00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:46,444 >> is brienne doable? >> jon and ygritte! 198 00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:49,414 >> that was weird. Anyway, tune in next "shriek" 199 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,650 When we -- oh, we're not back next 200 00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:54,386 "shriek"? We were canceled years ago? 201 00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:58,056 You mean "fears" ago! Oh, you're serious. 202 00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:02,894 Well, [bleep] me, jerry, I -- [ laughs ] 203 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:09,768 [ sobbing ] jerry, where'd you go? 204 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:14,506 Jerry, where'd you go?! Don't leave your boy, jerry! 205 00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:17,075 I'm your boy! Why-y-y? 206 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:21,413 I've got nowhere to go! [ sobbing ]