[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ sawing ]
[ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive!
[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ]
>> hey! >> unh!
>> hey!
>> our game, "candy crush saga," is so simple and addictive --
Just match three items in a row! Ha! Why hasn't anyone thought of
This before? >> yeah, I came up with it when
I was playing "bejeweled," but more importantly, who should
Direct the "candy crash saga" movie?
>> what about zack snyder? [ whooshing ]
>> unh! Ah! [ crashing ]
Aah! [ crash ]
This ends now! [ children screaming ]
>> millions are dead! >> but I found three orange
Candies! >> eh, too violent.
How about tyler perry? >> ooh, lawdy!
I just got t'ree of dem little candies in a row, praise be to
Jesus! >> madea, three years ago, I was
Sexually assaulted at a fraternity party.
Now I'm addicted to crack. >> love is more powerful than
Any addiction, baby girl. In fact, it is one.
>> that got really dark and weird at the end.
>> eh, they all do. You think it's gonna be
"big momma's house," and then it turns into some high-school
Girl's idea of a "relevant" play.
>> those peter jackson movies make a lot of money!
>> ¶ pass the mints and share the treats ¶
¶ won't the viewers think it's sweet? ¶
>> this scene has gone on for 45 minutes, and I still don't know
What a hobbit is. >> run, you fools!
>> eh, it doesn't matter who directs it.
We're the biggest thing on the internet!
It'll be a hit no matter what! >> you're right!
Hey, I gotta get home soon. "shit my dad says" is on
Tonight! >> oh, no, phil.
No. No, it isn't. >> hahaha ha-ha!
Hahaha ha-ha! Hahahahahahaha!
[ cellphone rings ] hello?
Oh, dad? Why are you calling? What? When?
I ju-- I just saw her! Oh, my god.
Was the other driver drunk or... Yeah, I'll hop on the first
Plane out of here. [ sniffles ]
I love you, dad. [ sobbing ] wuhaha ha-ha.
Wuhaha ha-ha. Wuhahahahahaha ha-haaaaaa.
>> "and the dragon and the squirrel skipped down
Peppercorn lane..." hey!
>> huh? What? >> I need you to understand that
Once you fall asleep, there is zero value in me reading this
Book. >> I sure did have a good time
Tonight, jack. >> yeah, me too.
Maybe we could -- oh, no! Tonight's the full moon?
Run, sally! Run away as fast as you can!
I'm a werewolf! [ groaning ]
>> no, jack, I'm staying! I love you!
>> wait, what?! >> I love you!
>> [ groaning ] thank you?
>> "thank you"? I say "I love you," and you say
"thank you"? >> oh, are...We...Doing this
Now? [ groans ]
[ straining ] I think you...Are very nice!
I just got out of a long-term thing, so --
Look, I'm turning into a werewolf.
You should really go -- aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooo!
[ sighs ] oh, god.
What did I do to sally last night?
>> you made me the happiest girl in the world!
[ both conversing in iranian ]
>> oh, yeah! >> go, go, go!
[ machine gunfire ] >> stay down! Stay down!
Get on the ground! [ clock ticking ]
>> and you feel the army took advantage of you?
>> yes! I can't control what happens
When anybody says "hey, kool-aid!"
>> oh, yeah! >> what?
>> what?
>> keep rolling. >> so, you see, kids, if you
Share with others, others will share with you --
Aah! [ children scream ]
[ cellphone beeps ] >> siri, I'm hungry for a
Burrito. [ cellphone beeps ]
>> I'm sorry, bane. I don't understand you.
[ cellphone beeps ] >> I want you to find me a
Burrito store, siri. [ cellphone beeps ]
>> your voice is barely audible, bane.
[ cellphone beeps ] >> burritos in bane's stomach
Now! [ cellphone beeps ]
>> perhaps a mask was a bad costume choice.
>> aah!
>> we will drink here, lawrence. >> wait. Who owns this well?
>> we are thirsty! We will drink!
>> who steal the water from the sheik?
>> aah! >> I'll break your back!
>> I'll make you humble! >> my name is t.E. Lawrence,
And I could use your assistance in this war, sir.
>> now you friends with sheiky baby!
I'm gonna break your back! >> such bravery!
>> I'll make you humble! >> he's quite the warrior.
>> young men make war. Old men make peace.
Oh! Son of a bitch! >> I'll make you humble!
>> okay... [ camel spits ]
>> ah! I'll make you humble!
>> that's a little excessive. >> ah! [ spits ]
Sand show no respect. Sheik put you in the camel
Clutch! >> okay, this guy's crazy.
>> did lawrence and sheiky baby win the war?
>> I don't know. This movie is 3 hours and 48
Minutes long. A lot of stuff happened.
[ tires screech ] [ birds chirping ]
>> [ sobbing ]
>> greetings, boos and ghouls! Boys and girls! Boos and ghouls!
[bleep] that was barely coherent!
Tonight we have three tales of terror guaranteed to chill you
To the "groans"! Wait, the word "bones" was
Already scary. Why'd we -- okay. Who cares?
Let's keep this turd train rolling.
[ thunder rumbles ] >> I love my new unicorn
Trapper keeper! The old gypsy said not to open
It after midnight. Oh, well. Couldn't hurt.
>> [ neighs ] hello, tracy!
Let's be best friends forever! >> oh, my god! Yes!
I love you! >> say, who's this?
>> oh, that's just my boyfriend, charlie.
>> [ nickers ] he looks fun. >> uh, yeah, I guess.
>> what's this? A pool party? Count me in!
>> whoa! A unicorn! >> you look like you could use
Some sunscreen! >> yeah, I guess I do need some.
>> whoops! No hands! Better improvise!
>> [ laughs ] that tickles! [ laughs ]
>> oh, yeah. >> hey, charlie -- aaaaah!
>> [ muffled screaming ] >> could have sworn I tied a
Sock on the door, tracy. >> oh, my god! You're a monster!
You're a pervert! You're -- aah!
>> that was a warning. Walk away.
>> I'd rather ride. [ both grunting ]
>> ohh! Ooh, ahh. All you've done is made me
Stronger. Uh-oh.
>> you wanna get sucked? Get sucked!
>> nooooo! [ echoing neigh ]
>> it's finally over, baby. >> bye-bye, college fund.
>> college fund? [ camera beeping ]
Ew. >> oh, hello!
I was just enjoying the latest best "heller"!
[ laughs ] this is actually dan brown's
"inferno." it's a piece of shit.
Our next tale is something of an "alle-gory"!
You might say it's a "meta-gore"!
Let's just roll it. [ crickets chirping ]
>> get out... Get out of the house.
Get out of the hou-- >> why don't you get your tongue
Out of your daddy's [bleep]hole so I can jam your mama's [bleep]
Up there, you [bleep]-gargling pile of monkey spunk?
Nothing to say now, huh? >> there's just a lot to unpack
There. >> well, wake me up when you
Figure it out, shit stick. [ snores ]
[ yawns ]
Blam! Where's your [bleep]-ass art
Project now, [bleep] nut? >> it wasn't supposed to be art!
It was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving!
[ crickets chirping ] strawberry shortcake!
>> huh? What? >> get out of the house!
[ thunder rumbles ] >> aaaaah!
>> hey, [bleep] clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you
Take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's [bleep]hole and
Lick it clean before you shove it up your [bleep]?
>> hey, stop talking about my dad's [bleep]hole!
I'll leave town, okay? Oh, fyi, that isn't blood.
That is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking.
All I did was turn the painting upside down.
Live with it. >> do you think he was right
About the insulation? That could be berry expensive.
>> hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a
[bleep], shit tits! Dun dun-dun-daaaa!
Bitch pudding! Blam!
[ crash ] >> I should really move.
>> now that's what I call bare-bones storytelling!
[ laughs ] it's like the writers were
"scare-ly" trying! [ laughs ]
Let's keep moving. >> honey, I'm running to the
Store! >> you be careful out there,
George r.R. Martin.
>> hey, george! George r.R. Martin!
George! >> when's the next book gonna be
Finished? >> will it be finished today?
>> say today! >> is jon snow's mom really
Melisandre? It makes perfect sense, if you
Think about it! >> hey, george!
If the land beyond the wall is a metaphor for canada...
>> ...Then what's new jersey? >> are dire wolves real?
>> can I have emilia clarke's phone number?
>> three-eyed raven! >> can I do brienne?
>> stay -- stay back! >> george r.R. Martin!
>> oh! No! No!
>> is brienne doable? >> jon and ygritte!
>> that was weird. Anyway, tune in next "shriek"
When we -- oh, we're not back next
"shriek"? We were canceled years ago?
You mean "fears" ago! Oh, you're serious.
Well, [bleep] me, jerry, I -- [ laughs ]
[ sobbing ] jerry, where'd you go?
Jerry, where'd you go?! Don't leave your boy, jerry!
I'm your boy! Why-y-y?
I've got nowhere to go! [ sobbing ]