1 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:08,941 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 2 00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:10,943 [ sawing ] 3 00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:19,852 [ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive! 4 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,531 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 5 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,834 [ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ] 6 00:00:38,304 --> 00:00:40,472 >> okay, fred. Time for your colonoscopy. 7 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,808 You may feel a little pressure when I insert the camera. 8 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,944 >> yabba-dabba -- yaah! Yee! 9 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:49,748 >> now tell me what you see. >> me going back to college. 10 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,683 >> [ laughing ] did you hear that? 11 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:57,156 >> get the stork out of my ass! >> a penis sucked is a penis 12 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,491 Earned... So which one of you wants to 13 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:02,661 Earn this dick? >> okay, mr. Franklin, hold that 14 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,196 Pose. [ zipper unzipping ] 15 00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:07,166 [ cash register dings ] [ patriotic music plays ] 16 00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:13,772 >> don't worry, cinderella! We'll get you to the ball yet. 17 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,841 This is a spell that works so well. 18 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,911 Flippity floppity flee! Hmm. 19 00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:23,882 Maybe I need to try a new spell. Oh, satan, make me your whore 20 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:28,520 And send cinderella to the ball! >> what the -- stop that! 21 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,122 >> you want to go to the ball, dear, right? 22 00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:33,258 >> well, yeah, but -- well, my spell wasn't working, 23 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:37,396 So I had to go with plan "b." oh, prince of suffering, free 24 00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:42,167 Your minions from the darkest crotch of hell and send 25 00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:48,574 Cinderella to the ball! [ demons screaming ] 26 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:53,145 >> [ vomiting ] [ insect screeching ] 27 00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:59,451 [ sheep bleats ] >> oh, and you also need shoes! 28 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:03,622 >> no! Please! Let it stop! 29 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,225 >> oh, silly me! My wand was turned the wrong 30 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,460 Way. Ha ha! We didn't need the demons 31 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,829 After all! >> [ sobbing ] 32 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:15,000 >> flippity floppity flee! >> scrooge mcduck is an 33 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:18,737 International businessman worth over 10 million swimming pools 34 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:22,274 Of gold coins. Now entrepreneurs will fight for 35 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:27,479 His investment. >> I'll give you two bathtubs of 36 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,282 Rubies for 25% of the company. >> I'm sorry. 37 00:02:30,284 --> 00:02:32,551 How much money is that? >> guess what, smartass. 38 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,953 My offer is now one gold rock the size of a goose egg. 39 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,489 >> is that more or less? >> I'll go in with a toilet full 40 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,758 Of emeralds. >> get off me balls, cuban! 41 00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:46,331 >> take a good look at what they did to your father, children. 42 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:50,602 Look long and hard so you never forget! 43 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:54,072 [ children crying ] >> jason! Dinner! 44 00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,175 >> in a second, mom! I'm playing 45 00:02:56,177 --> 00:03:00,546 "rollercoaster tycoon!" [ mouse clicks ] 46 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:03,515 [ laughs ] [bleep] idiots. 47 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:07,119 >> we are shocked that such a terrible crash could occur here 48 00:03:07,121 --> 00:03:10,923 At "no gaywads allowed" land. Our park owner is unavailable 49 00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:13,892 For questions, as he is currently studying for, and I 50 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,228 Quote, "some lameballs math quiz." 51 00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:18,997 >> yes, how do you respond to accusations that the park owner 52 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,033 Has been drowning tourists in the lake? 53 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,168 >> no comment. >> I would just like to point 54 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,204 Out that these hot dogs are very good value. 55 00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:28,707 >> we are very proud of the food sold at "haha hot dogs look like 56 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,309 Dicks." what the -- 57 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,277 Aaah! Aah! 58 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:35,314 [ gasping, choking ] >> jiro, I am in great debt to 59 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:37,649 You for helping me train for the fruit ninja tournament. 60 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:41,220 >> the honor is all mine, brother. 61 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:48,460 >> aah! Jiro! Was that a [bleep] bomb, jiro?! 62 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:51,230 >> I'm so sorry, brother. Sometimes I confuse my fruit 63 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,498 Basket with my bomb basket. >> your bomb basket?! 64 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,467 >> look, I'm sorry. Let's just stay focused on the 65 00:03:55,469 --> 00:04:02,941 Training. >> jiro! 66 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:05,744 Three lit bombs?! What the [bleep] is going on, 67 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,446 Jiro?! >> okay, okay. 68 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,449 Just don't tell mom. I'm kind of a wanted japanese 69 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,783 Terrorist. >> what?! 70 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,586 You're a what?! >> hey, if my bombs are here, 71 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:17,589 Where's that extra fruit? >> everyone dies! 72 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,358 [ all gasp ] ah, damn it, jiro! 73 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,959 [ all shouting ] 74 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,864 >> ha ha! That's a good-looking pie! 75 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:29,434 Yah-tah-tah-tah! You know, maybe that 76 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:33,605 Jason biggs had a good idea or two. 77 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,375 Ohh! That's hot! That's so hot! 78 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:39,311 >> what's that darn ol' purple pie man up to now? 79 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:43,181 Oh, huckleberry pie! Yes! I'm so deep in you! 80 00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:46,084 >> oh! >> huckleberry pie, you are 81 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:49,855 Accused of fraternizing with our enemy, the purple pie man. 82 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,291 >> aw, that's bullcrap! >> I know what I heard! 83 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,293 >> whatever! Just sentence me so I can get 84 00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,994 Back to my fishing. 85 00:04:57,897 --> 00:04:59,965 >> it's getting a little "children of the corn" down 86 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:03,902 There. Eh. 87 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,138 Ugh! Oh, right. 88 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:09,508 I [bleep] this one. Meh. 89 00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,744 >> okay, marilyn, time for your big scene. 90 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:15,180 >> just one more taco. >> we're losing the light. 91 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:18,050 >> but these tacos are great. >> no more tacos! 92 00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:22,187 Places, everyone! Places! >> "seven year itch," scene 78, 93 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:24,356 Take 1. >> and action! 94 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:28,427 >> [ farting, grunting ] oops. 95 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,729 >> cut! What the [bleep] was that? 96 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,531 >> tacos. >> do we have time for another 97 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,166 Take? >> oh, we just lost the light. 98 00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,201 >> [bleep] it. We'll say it was a passing train 99 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,203 Or something. Let's move on to the next scene. 100 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:41,440 >> guys, I definitely shit myself. 101 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:51,249 >> [ groans ] unh! >> oh, no! Doc! 102 00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:54,019 Someone call 911! Hey, what's up everybody. 103 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,722 I'm little mac. For 25 years, doc had two 104 00:05:56,724 --> 00:06:00,092 Passions -- training me to punch out my opponents and 105 00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,994 Eating fried butter. I'm heartened to see so many of 106 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,131 My former opponents here today. >> life is so fragile. 107 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:09,735 I, great tiger, was diagnosed with brain cancer last week. 108 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,804 Turns out this teleportation gem was pumping radiation into my 109 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,873 Brain, and it -- oh, no. No! 110 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,075 I can't take it anymore! I can't control it! 111 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:21,079 Where is it taking me now? Please! Not detroit again! 112 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:24,683 >> I am soda popinski. Doc suffered from type 2 113 00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:28,353 Diabetes, just like me. And let me tell you, I learned 114 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:31,256 Nothing from this! I'd rather die than drink 115 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:34,693 Sugar-free soda! Diet dr. Pepper does not taste 116 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:40,866 Like regular dr. Pepper! [ gasping ] 117 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:44,603 Doc was the one who said, "king hippo, get your stomach 118 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,205 Stapled." but he never warned me about 119 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,741 Leftover skin! My stomach is basically a 120 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:52,110 Skirt! Whoa! 121 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,980 >> I did not know doc. I have filled my pockets with 122 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,516 All the pizza rolls. Now I am leaving. 123 00:06:57,518 --> 00:07:00,819 If you think you can stop me, you are welcome to try. 124 00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:09,361 >> the spell is broken! This was my true form all along. 125 00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:11,663 I can't wait to marry you, shrek! 126 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,398 >> marry you? >> well, yeah. 127 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,535 Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after. 128 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:20,572 >> fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror and I 129 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:24,476 Wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I 130 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:27,379 Was born. Then I make my way to the putrid 131 00:07:27,381 --> 00:07:31,082 Swamps, the only place on god's green earth a monster like me 132 00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:34,085 Feels at home. Sometimes children gather to 133 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:37,489 Scream at me. "monster! Animal!" they yell. 134 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:41,493 Then someone screams, "kill yourself!" and it takes a few 135 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:45,864 Seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth. 136 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:49,201 By then, I've made my way to the old hangin' tree. 137 00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:52,037 Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine 138 00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:55,140 Around my own neck. It goes taut, and I pray to the 139 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,343 Gods that, this time, the vine will hold. 140 00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:02,380 But, alas, every day, I wake up in my own filth. 141 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:06,685 And I lie there, and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see 142 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:10,155 My face again! So, no. 143 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:14,659 Marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my 144 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:17,429 To-do list! >> have you tried these mini 145 00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:20,899 Cheeseburgers? Great! 146 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,802 >> unh! [ cheers and applause ] 147 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,638 [ camera shutter clicks ] >> aah! 148 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,707 >> a vampire! >> oh, that sailor's a [bleep] 149 00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:33,478 Vampire! >> aah! 150 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,380 [ all screaming ] 151 00:08:43,489 --> 00:08:45,757 >> where is it when I really need it? 152 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,159 Ugh! >> hey, she-ra, I made a 153 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:51,696 Balloon! [ choking ] 154 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:54,499 >> ah, birth control is magic. And I don't just mean I don't 155 00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,135 Understand how it works. I mean, on my world it's 156 00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:00,739 Literally created by sorcerers. >> when you're on the tour bus, 157 00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,474 Birth control is whatever's handy. 158 00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:05,043 You improvise. A hardee's cheeseburger wrapper 159 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:09,047 Tied off with a hair scrunchie, or, you know, just do anal. 160 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:13,018 Are any kids gonna see this? I do not like that answer. 161 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:16,154 You want to see something really unsexy? 162 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,324 These are from the px at cobra headquarters. 163 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:22,894 No, no, no. Wait. It gets better. 164 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:35,173 >> ugh! In a village where the 165 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:39,878 Male-to-female ratio is 99 to 1, every other text message is a 166 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,515 Dick pic. >> do boys ask for photos of my 167 00:09:43,517 --> 00:09:45,317 Berries? Why, yes! 168 00:09:45,319 --> 00:09:48,320 Everyone knows I have very good berries. 169 00:09:48,322 --> 00:09:51,656 Yes, like I said, my berries. Berries. 170 00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:56,094 Are you asking about my tits?! >> pussy double entendre. 171 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,664 Pussy double entendre. Oh, here's a good one -- pussy 172 00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,566 Double entendre. 173 00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:08,139 >> oooh, la la! >> got to love the bad boys. 174 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,141 I hooked up with moss man once. 175 00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:12,377 Afterward, my bed smelled like a hefty bag full of lawn 176 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,146 Trimmings that's been sitting in the sun for two days. 177 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,782 Also, his penis was a gnarled root. 178 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,985 >> here's a joke. This is a good one. 179 00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:23,455 "what's the difference between a face and a toilet?" 180 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,457 You know who else doesn't know the answer? 181 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:28,259 R. Kelly. >> I gave a blowjob to 182 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:34,065 Osama bin laden. Ha! The look on your face! 183 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:38,336 I did, though. Terrorcon '94. 184 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,505 >> ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ 185 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:42,641 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶ 186 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,776 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ 187 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,945 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶ 188 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,080 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ 189 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,282 ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶ 190 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,184 Ba-gawk! Bawk.