[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ sawing ]
[ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive!
[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ]
>> okay, fred. Time for your colonoscopy.
You may feel a little pressure when I insert the camera.
>> yabba-dabba -- yaah! Yee!
>> now tell me what you see. >> me going back to college.
>> [ laughing ] did you hear that?
>> get the stork out of my ass! >> a penis sucked is a penis
Earned... So which one of you wants to
Earn this dick? >> okay, mr. Franklin, hold that
Pose. [ zipper unzipping ]
[ cash register dings ] [ patriotic music plays ]
>> don't worry, cinderella! We'll get you to the ball yet.
This is a spell that works so well.
Flippity floppity flee! Hmm.
Maybe I need to try a new spell. Oh, satan, make me your whore
And send cinderella to the ball! >> what the -- stop that!
>> you want to go to the ball, dear, right?
>> well, yeah, but -- well, my spell wasn't working,
So I had to go with plan "b." oh, prince of suffering, free
Your minions from the darkest crotch of hell and send
Cinderella to the ball! [ demons screaming ]
>> [ vomiting ] [ insect screeching ]
[ sheep bleats ] >> oh, and you also need shoes!
>> no! Please! Let it stop!
>> oh, silly me! My wand was turned the wrong
Way. Ha ha! We didn't need the demons
After all! >> [ sobbing ]
>> flippity floppity flee! >> scrooge mcduck is an
International businessman worth over 10 million swimming pools
Of gold coins. Now entrepreneurs will fight for
His investment. >> I'll give you two bathtubs of
Rubies for 25% of the company. >> I'm sorry.
How much money is that? >> guess what, smartass.
My offer is now one gold rock the size of a goose egg.
>> is that more or less? >> I'll go in with a toilet full
Of emeralds. >> get off me balls, cuban!
>> take a good look at what they did to your father, children.
Look long and hard so you never forget!
[ children crying ] >> jason! Dinner!
>> in a second, mom! I'm playing
"rollercoaster tycoon!" [ mouse clicks ]
[ laughs ] [bleep] idiots.
>> we are shocked that such a terrible crash could occur here
At "no gaywads allowed" land. Our park owner is unavailable
For questions, as he is currently studying for, and I
Quote, "some lameballs math quiz."
>> yes, how do you respond to accusations that the park owner
Has been drowning tourists in the lake?
>> no comment. >> I would just like to point
Out that these hot dogs are very good value.
>> we are very proud of the food sold at "haha hot dogs look like
Dicks." what the --
Aaah! Aah!
[ gasping, choking ] >> jiro, I am in great debt to
You for helping me train for the fruit ninja tournament.
>> the honor is all mine, brother.
>> aah! Jiro! Was that a [bleep] bomb, jiro?!
>> I'm so sorry, brother. Sometimes I confuse my fruit
Basket with my bomb basket. >> your bomb basket?!
>> look, I'm sorry. Let's just stay focused on the
Training. >> jiro!
Three lit bombs?! What the [bleep] is going on,
Jiro?! >> okay, okay.
Just don't tell mom. I'm kind of a wanted japanese
Terrorist. >> what?!
You're a what?! >> hey, if my bombs are here,
Where's that extra fruit? >> everyone dies!
[ all gasp ] ah, damn it, jiro!
[ all shouting ]
>> ha ha! That's a good-looking pie!
Yah-tah-tah-tah! You know, maybe that
Jason biggs had a good idea or two.
Ohh! That's hot! That's so hot!
>> what's that darn ol' purple pie man up to now?
Oh, huckleberry pie! Yes! I'm so deep in you!
>> oh! >> huckleberry pie, you are
Accused of fraternizing with our enemy, the purple pie man.
>> aw, that's bullcrap! >> I know what I heard!
>> whatever! Just sentence me so I can get
Back to my fishing.
>> it's getting a little "children of the corn" down
There. Eh.
Ugh! Oh, right.
I [bleep] this one. Meh.
>> okay, marilyn, time for your big scene.
>> just one more taco. >> we're losing the light.
>> but these tacos are great. >> no more tacos!
Places, everyone! Places! >> "seven year itch," scene 78,
Take 1. >> and action!
>> [ farting, grunting ] oops.
>> cut! What the [bleep] was that?
>> tacos. >> do we have time for another
Take? >> oh, we just lost the light.
>> [bleep] it. We'll say it was a passing train
Or something. Let's move on to the next scene.
>> guys, I definitely shit myself.
>> [ groans ] unh! >> oh, no! Doc!
Someone call 911! Hey, what's up everybody.
I'm little mac. For 25 years, doc had two
Passions -- training me to punch out my opponents and
Eating fried butter. I'm heartened to see so many of
My former opponents here today. >> life is so fragile.
I, great tiger, was diagnosed with brain cancer last week.
Turns out this teleportation gem was pumping radiation into my
Brain, and it -- oh, no. No!
I can't take it anymore! I can't control it!
Where is it taking me now? Please! Not detroit again!
>> I am soda popinski. Doc suffered from type 2
Diabetes, just like me. And let me tell you, I learned
Nothing from this! I'd rather die than drink
Sugar-free soda! Diet dr. Pepper does not taste
Like regular dr. Pepper! [ gasping ]
Doc was the one who said, "king hippo, get your stomach
Stapled." but he never warned me about
Leftover skin! My stomach is basically a
Skirt! Whoa!
>> I did not know doc. I have filled my pockets with
All the pizza rolls. Now I am leaving.
If you think you can stop me, you are welcome to try.
>> the spell is broken! This was my true form all along.
I can't wait to marry you, shrek!
>> marry you? >> well, yeah.
Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after.
>> fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror and I
Wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I
Was born. Then I make my way to the putrid
Swamps, the only place on god's green earth a monster like me
Feels at home. Sometimes children gather to
Scream at me. "monster! Animal!" they yell.
Then someone screams, "kill yourself!" and it takes a few
Seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth.
By then, I've made my way to the old hangin' tree.
Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine
Around my own neck. It goes taut, and I pray to the
Gods that, this time, the vine will hold.
But, alas, every day, I wake up in my own filth.
And I lie there, and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see
My face again! So, no.
Marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my
To-do list! >> have you tried these mini
Cheeseburgers? Great!
>> unh! [ cheers and applause ]
[ camera shutter clicks ] >> aah!
>> a vampire! >> oh, that sailor's a [bleep]
Vampire! >> aah!
[ all screaming ]
>> where is it when I really need it?
Ugh! >> hey, she-ra, I made a
Balloon! [ choking ]
>> ah, birth control is magic. And I don't just mean I don't
Understand how it works. I mean, on my world it's
Literally created by sorcerers. >> when you're on the tour bus,
Birth control is whatever's handy.
You improvise. A hardee's cheeseburger wrapper
Tied off with a hair scrunchie, or, you know, just do anal.
Are any kids gonna see this? I do not like that answer.
You want to see something really unsexy?
These are from the px at cobra headquarters.
No, no, no. Wait. It gets better.
>> ugh! In a village where the
Male-to-female ratio is 99 to 1, every other text message is a
Dick pic. >> do boys ask for photos of my
Berries? Why, yes!
Everyone knows I have very good berries.
Yes, like I said, my berries. Berries.
Are you asking about my tits?! >> pussy double entendre.
Pussy double entendre. Oh, here's a good one -- pussy
Double entendre.
>> oooh, la la! >> got to love the bad boys.
I hooked up with moss man once.
Afterward, my bed smelled like a hefty bag full of lawn
Trimmings that's been sitting in the sun for two days.
Also, his penis was a gnarled root.
>> here's a joke. This is a good one.
"what's the difference between a face and a toilet?"
You know who else doesn't know the answer?
R. Kelly. >> I gave a blowjob to
Osama bin laden. Ha! The look on your face!
I did, though. Terrorcon '94.
>> ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶ ¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk ¶
¶ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ¶
Ba-gawk! Bawk.