1 00:00:05,271 --> 00:00:09,174 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 2 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,176 [ sawing ] 3 00:00:16,383 --> 00:00:20,085 [ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive! 4 00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:32,765 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 5 00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:36,068 [ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ] 6 00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:41,473 >> you don't have to do this! >> actually, baby, I do. 7 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:45,377 >> I love you. >> never a doubt in my mind. 8 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,514 For the queen! >> [ choking ] 9 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:52,317 [ explosion ] [ groans ] 10 00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,753 >> he did it! [ all cheering ] 11 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,156 >> waypoint set, master chief. Covenant forces incoming. 12 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,891 >> you're my eyes and ears, cortana. 13 00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,993 On my way. Right after I take a quick 14 00:01:00,995 --> 00:01:03,862 Leak. >> detecting enemy -- oh! 15 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,397 I-I'm sorry! >> oh, shit! 16 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,666 Cortana! Wait! Oh, great. 17 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,636 >> um, enemy combatant 500 meters ahead. 18 00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,905 >> wait. Cortana, remember 5 seconds ago? 19 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,540 Did you see my peener? I mean, I don't care. 20 00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:16,442 I'm just -- it's just, I'm stressed right now with the 21 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,377 Fighting, and my peener's a little smaller than usual. 22 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:19,545 >> heads up! >> got 'em. 23 00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:22,481 Anyway, I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but my peener 24 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,983 Being that small, that's, like, a super-rare thing. 25 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,185 >> noted. You know what? 26 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,853 I still got to pee just a little bit. 27 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,688 Can I have a second? >> yeah, sure. Whatever. 28 00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:31,390 Okay, little chief -- time to chub up. 29 00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:32,858 Here we go. Alyssa milano in 30 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,327 "poison ivy 2," girl from "cradle of love" video... 31 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:38,730 Mmm, nice. Houston, we have plumpage. 32 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,666 Cortana, cortana! >> yes, chief, what is the -- 33 00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:42,534 Oh, god! >> oh, it's crazy! 34 00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:44,002 There was an attack! Oh, man. 35 00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:46,405 I hope I wasn't shot! Uh, head, chest, my peener, that 36 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:49,007 Is right now at the length and thickness that represents the 37 00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,676 Usual size of my peener. >> chief... 38 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:53,178 >> sorry if you caught a glimpse of my peener during that. 39 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,880 You saw that, right? Crazy. 40 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,982 >> it's not a big deal. [ chuckles ] 41 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,283 Literally. >> pardon me? 42 00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,719 >> hey, needle peen! >> aah! 43 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,422 >> so, what are you in for? >> well, I was minding my own 44 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:06,391 Business, eating some food, and then some more food started 45 00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:09,461 Shooting at me, so I starting eating that food, and then like 46 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,997 Two more foods surrounded me... And I woke up here. 47 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:15,901 >> [bleep] food, man. [bleep] food. 48 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,337 >> abby! We'd like to invite you to join 49 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,606 The babysitters club! All the baby-sitters in 50 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,908 Stoneybrook join, and the club only takes 15%. 51 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,277 >> no, thanks. I have my own clients, and I get 52 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,513 To keep all the money. >> we are babysitting in this 53 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:30,749 Town. If we ask you to join, you join. 54 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,217 >> sorry. 55 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,621 Hi, todd. I'm here for our date. 56 00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:38,090 >> listen, I don't think we can be boyfriend-girlfriend anymore. 57 00:02:38,092 --> 00:02:39,992 Baby-sitter club told me you have aids. 58 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,294 Now we're having a four-way. >> wha? 59 00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:45,197 [ crying ] how could they do this to me? 60 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:50,068 [ gasps ] hmm? 61 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:54,139 Aah! Aah! Aah! 62 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:56,675 Mom, dad! They put a wolf in my closet! 63 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,677 >> who put a wolf in your closet?! 64 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,345 [ gunshots ] >> no! 65 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:03,682 I'll never join you! I'll fight you to the gates of 66 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,451 Hell! >> we'll be right back with 67 00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:09,788 More "baby-sitters club"! >> now voting on 68 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:12,891 Resolution 765 -- 1% increase in sanitation aid for 69 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,560 East mongolia. All in favor? 70 00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,929 >> together: Aye. >> resolution passes. 71 00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:20,432 Now voting on resolution 766 -- all countries shall bow to 72 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,234 Dr. Doom. All in favor? 73 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:25,537 >> aye! Now all shall kneel before the 74 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,806 Might of doctor -- >> all opposed? 75 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,741 >> together: Nay. >> resolution fails. 76 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,411 >> [ sighs ] worth a shot, right? 77 00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:36,748 >> oh, you are so adorable. Okay... 78 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:39,284 Now take all of your clothes off. 79 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:42,654 >> reow?! >> visionaries, you shall 80 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:46,124 Receive magic in the form of powerful animal totems. 81 00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:49,328 Witterquick, due to your blinding speed, receive the 82 00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:52,931 Power of the cheetah! >> [ roars ] 83 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,968 Incredible! >> toby, your stealth has earned 84 00:03:55,970 --> 00:03:58,437 You the totem of... The toothpick fish. 85 00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,505 >> what the [bleep] is a toothpick fish? 86 00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,140 >> oh, yeah! I read about those. 87 00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,743 Some guy peed in the amazon. The toothpick fish swam up his 88 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,411 Urine stream and into his urethra. 89 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,146 He had to have elaborate surgery. 90 00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,682 >> merklynn, can I have another totem, please? 91 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,986 Not looking forward to swimming up a pee stream into a bad 92 00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:16,021 Guy's donger! >> once the totem has been 93 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:20,459 Bestowed, it is permanent. >> oh, that's fantastic news. 94 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,861 [ all scream ] >> witness the rise of 95 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,564 Darkstorm! To assert my dominance over you, 96 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,066 I shall piss on your battered bodies! 97 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,869 Ahh. >> oh, jackpot! 98 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:36,174 It's toby time! Aah! 99 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:39,544 Aah! Something's in my urethra! It is like a bladder infection 100 00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,980 But worse! I-I need to get this checked 101 00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:46,218 Out! Toby, you saved our lives! 102 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,153 Toby? >> I think he's still in 103 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:50,555 Darkstorm's dick. >> that is going to require 104 00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:54,459 Elaborate surgery. >> comrade obama cut the defense 105 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:57,796 Budget again, general hawk. I can nix our efficient drone 106 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:01,533 Program or the g.I. Joe program that racks up billions to stop a 107 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,903 Single terrorist group! I mean, for [bleep] sake, where 108 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:07,139 Were you on 9/11? >> ending cobra's scheme to 109 00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:09,541 Conquer america with an evil telethon! Oh, god. 110 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:12,444 I'll see myself out, sir. >> goodbye, army of 111 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:17,482 Village people rejects. Say hello to g.I. Drone! 112 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:21,119 >> ♪ g.I. Drone ♪ ♪ g.I. Drone ♪ 113 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:24,656 ♪ it bombs for freedom without any conscience ♪ 114 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:27,893 >> g.I. Drone is the code name for america's soulless, 115 00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:34,399 High-tech killing machines. >> aah! 116 00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,401 >> holy shit! >> its purpose -- to bomb the 117 00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:39,271 [bleep] out of whoever, whenever. 118 00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:41,840 Oh, yeah. We have an erection, too. 119 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:45,110 >> hide in that hospital! >> what happened to 120 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:48,280 Proportionate [bleep] response?! I only wanted to control the 121 00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:51,917 Weather! >> ♪ g.I. Mother[bleep] drone ♪ 122 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:54,853 >> according to passover tradition, I will pardon one 123 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:58,357 Prisoner of your choosing. Will you pardon the murderer 124 00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:01,193 Barabbas, or will you pardon jesus? 125 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:04,196 >> barabbas! Barabbas! Barabbas! 126 00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:07,265 >> barabbas, you are pardoned. >> what? 127 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:10,302 Wait, wait, wait! Aaaaah! >> wait. Which one is the magic 128 00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:13,338 One? >> [ crying ] I'm the magic one! 129 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:19,544 >> no takebacks, chickenheads! >> the midnight society is now 130 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:22,614 In session. Can you all handle betty ann's 131 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:26,852 Scary story, or are you afraid of the dark? 132 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,488 [ all gasp ] >> my story actually happened to 133 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:32,457 Me. I call it "night of terror." 134 00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:35,927 I agreed to a date with a guy, who shall remain nameless, who I 135 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:39,030 Did not want to go out with. But our parents are friends so 136 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,400 I had to. It was a shit-show from the 137 00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,835 Moment he showed up in his crappy nissan. 138 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:46,705 >> hi, betty ann! He was so nervous, he ejac'd in 139 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,941 His khakis and then ran into a low-hanging tree branch. 140 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,177 >> aah! [ laughter ] 141 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,446 >> hey, don't you drive a nissan, gary? 142 00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:56,848 >> what?! No! Yes! I mean -- 143 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,151 Aah! Unh! Aah! 144 00:06:59,153 --> 00:07:02,354 [ laughter ] oh, my khakis! 145 00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:05,857 >> forrest, we've been married for a while. 146 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:08,927 Maybe we should spice things up. Talk dirty to me. 147 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,730 >> what does that mean, jen-ny? >> I don't know. 148 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,199 Say something mean. >> okay. 149 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:18,403 You are a [bleep] idiot. >> not what I had in mind, 150 00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:20,739 Forrest. Say something else, but call me 151 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:23,108 A slut after. >> okay. 152 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:27,579 Staying sober is a daily struggle for you...Slut. 153 00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:29,614 >> forrest! Just, um... 154 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:33,418 Be rough with me. Don't worry. I'll like it. 155 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,320 Ow! Shit, forrest! 156 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,390 >> spicing things up is hard, jen-ny. 157 00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:42,227 >> I'm gonna go get some ice. >> bitch be out of her damn 158 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,495 Mind. 159 00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:47,532 >> ow! Ow! 160 00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:49,668 >> all right, y'all, let's get sexy! 161 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,637 >> that was a terrible way to start a grief-counseling 162 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,940 Session. >> yeah. How terrible. 163 00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:58,844 >> honey, look out! Cliché! 164 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:03,148 >> huh? [ all screaming ] 165 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,783 What's happening?! >> kre-o! 166 00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,285 They're everywh-- aah! 167 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,488 >> run! There's something wrong with 168 00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:12,858 Them. They look like us but different! 169 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,126 >> this way! Hurry! Your life has more value than 170 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,028 Other people! 171 00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:24,135 Jerry, we need your expertise! >> my expertise? 172 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,905 I'm not a soldier! >> jerry, we need a lawyer. 173 00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,010 >> put simply, jerry, we're being invaded... 174 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,580 By imitation blocks. >> off-brand products with a 175 00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:38,383 Taste for lego blood! They're nearly identical but 176 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:41,052 Different...Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand 177 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,455 Until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend flo from the 178 00:08:43,457 --> 00:08:45,724 Progressive commercials is giving you an h.J., but you 179 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,826 Know it's not flo. You know that! 180 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:50,395 She'd never be so clumsy, so artless. 181 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:52,464 >> that's impossible! We're trademarked! 182 00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:54,599 >> no, general. Lego bricks aren't protected by 183 00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:56,568 Trademark. They're protected by patent. 184 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,370 >> hell, man, what's the difference? 185 00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:01,573 >> the difference is... Patents expire. 186 00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:04,376 Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a gif. 187 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,077 That's fun. >> isn't it "jiff"? 188 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,747 Anyway, how do we stop it? >> there's nothing we can do. 189 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,382 Don't worry, flo. I'll protect you. 190 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,384 >> don't worry, girl from the wendy's commercials. 191 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:15,787 >> don't worry, geico gecko. >> they covered the whole globe 192 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:19,824 In no time -- mega bloks, kre-o, best-lock, coco, banbao, 193 00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:23,795 Rokenbok, super blox, and leggo with two g's, which was 194 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:28,767 [ zombies groaning ] >> ♪ lego my baby ♪ 195 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:31,136 ♪ lego my honey ♪ ♪ lego my ragtime gal ♪ 196 00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,238 >> daddy, are we safe? >> of course we are, son. 197 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,073 People are singing, aren't they? Ugh. 198 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,309 That is the lowest form of music. 199 00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:40,579 >> ♪ honey, you'll lose me ♪ ♪ then you'll be left alone ♪ 200 00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:44,416 [ zombies groaning loudly ] >> the terrible singing! 201 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,785 They're attracted to the terrible singing! 202 00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,753 >> ohh! >> ow! 203 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,889 >> fire! Fire! They're too fast! 204 00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:54,025 Ohh! >> jerry, I've found a way to 205 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,428 Camouflage ourselves! >> that beats my solution. 206 00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,164 Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew! >> legos are machined to a 207 00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:02,267 Tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive! 208 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:05,337 But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier! 209 00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:07,872 Aah! We look like them now! 210 00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:10,842 >> I'd...Rather...Die. >> what?! 211 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:14,312 They have transformers? No, son! No! 212 00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,881 >> aah! >> noooooooooo! 213 00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:19,284 >> you probably don't even want to go on living now. 214 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,987 >> huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage. 215 00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:25,323 But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice! 216 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:29,027 [ groaning ] no! You turned me into a [bleep] 217 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,396 Duplo! It's the same company as lego, 218 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,798 You fool! Aah! 219 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,902 Aah! Guys, is this ending working? 220 00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:41,873 Let's re-shoot it. [ zombies murmuring ] 221 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,109 >> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 222 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,244 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 223 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,380 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 224 00:10:48,382 --> 00:10:50,548 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 225 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,684 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 226 00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:54,886 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 227 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,788 Ba-gawk! Bawk.