[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ sawing ]
[ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive!
[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ]
>> you don't have to do this! >> actually, baby, I do.
>> I love you. >> never a doubt in my mind.
For the queen! >> [ choking ]
[ explosion ] [ groans ]
>> he did it! [ all cheering ]
>> waypoint set, master chief. Covenant forces incoming.
>> you're my eyes and ears, cortana.
On my way. Right after I take a quick
Leak. >> detecting enemy -- oh!
I-I'm sorry! >> oh, shit!
Cortana! Wait! Oh, great.
>> um, enemy combatant 500 meters ahead.
>> wait. Cortana, remember 5 seconds ago?
Did you see my peener? I mean, I don't care.
I'm just -- it's just, I'm stressed right now with the
Fighting, and my peener's a little smaller than usual.
>> heads up! >> got 'em.
Anyway, I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but my peener
Being that small, that's, like, a super-rare thing.
>> noted. You know what?
I still got to pee just a little bit.
Can I have a second? >> yeah, sure. Whatever.
Okay, little chief -- time to chub up.
Here we go. Alyssa milano in
"poison ivy 2," girl from "cradle of love" video...
Mmm, nice. Houston, we have plumpage.
Cortana, cortana! >> yes, chief, what is the --
Oh, god! >> oh, it's crazy!
There was an attack! Oh, man.
I hope I wasn't shot! Uh, head, chest, my peener, that
Is right now at the length and thickness that represents the
Usual size of my peener. >> chief...
>> sorry if you caught a glimpse of my peener during that.
You saw that, right? Crazy.
>> it's not a big deal. [ chuckles ]
Literally. >> pardon me?
>> hey, needle peen! >> aah!
>> so, what are you in for? >> well, I was minding my own
Business, eating some food, and then some more food started
Shooting at me, so I starting eating that food, and then like
Two more foods surrounded me... And I woke up here.
>> [bleep] food, man. [bleep] food.
>> abby! We'd like to invite you to join
The babysitters club! All the baby-sitters in
Stoneybrook join, and the club only takes 15%.
>> no, thanks. I have my own clients, and I get
To keep all the money. >> we are babysitting in this
Town. If we ask you to join, you join.
>> sorry.
Hi, todd. I'm here for our date.
>> listen, I don't think we can be boyfriend-girlfriend anymore.
Baby-sitter club told me you have aids.
Now we're having a four-way. >> wha?
[ crying ] how could they do this to me?
[ gasps ] hmm?
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Mom, dad! They put a wolf in my closet!
>> who put a wolf in your closet?!
[ gunshots ] >> no!
I'll never join you! I'll fight you to the gates of
Hell! >> we'll be right back with
More "baby-sitters club"! >> now voting on
Resolution 765 -- 1% increase in sanitation aid for
East mongolia. All in favor?
>> together: Aye. >> resolution passes.
Now voting on resolution 766 -- all countries shall bow to
Dr. Doom. All in favor?
>> aye! Now all shall kneel before the
Might of doctor -- >> all opposed?
>> together: Nay. >> resolution fails.
>> [ sighs ] worth a shot, right?
>> oh, you are so adorable. Okay...
Now take all of your clothes off.
>> reow?! >> visionaries, you shall
Receive magic in the form of powerful animal totems.
Witterquick, due to your blinding speed, receive the
Power of the cheetah! >> [ roars ]
Incredible! >> toby, your stealth has earned
You the totem of... The toothpick fish.
>> what the [bleep] is a toothpick fish?
>> oh, yeah! I read about those.
Some guy peed in the amazon. The toothpick fish swam up his
Urine stream and into his urethra.
He had to have elaborate surgery.
>> merklynn, can I have another totem, please?
Not looking forward to swimming up a pee stream into a bad
Guy's donger! >> once the totem has been
Bestowed, it is permanent. >> oh, that's fantastic news.
[ all scream ] >> witness the rise of
Darkstorm! To assert my dominance over you,
I shall piss on your battered bodies!
Ahh. >> oh, jackpot!
It's toby time! Aah!
Aah! Something's in my urethra! It is like a bladder infection
But worse! I-I need to get this checked
Out! Toby, you saved our lives!
Toby? >> I think he's still in
Darkstorm's dick. >> that is going to require
Elaborate surgery. >> comrade obama cut the defense
Budget again, general hawk. I can nix our efficient drone
Program or the g.I. Joe program that racks up billions to stop a
Single terrorist group! I mean, for [bleep] sake, where
Were you on 9/11? >> ending cobra's scheme to
Conquer america with an evil telethon! Oh, god.
I'll see myself out, sir. >> goodbye, army of
Village people rejects. Say hello to g.I. Drone!
>> ♪ g.I. Drone ♪ ♪ g.I. Drone ♪
♪ it bombs for freedom without any conscience ♪
>> g.I. Drone is the code name for america's soulless,
High-tech killing machines. >> aah!
>> holy shit! >> its purpose -- to bomb the
[bleep] out of whoever, whenever.
Oh, yeah. We have an erection, too.
>> hide in that hospital! >> what happened to
Proportionate [bleep] response?! I only wanted to control the
Weather! >> ♪ g.I. Mother[bleep] drone ♪
>> according to passover tradition, I will pardon one
Prisoner of your choosing. Will you pardon the murderer
Barabbas, or will you pardon jesus?
>> barabbas! Barabbas! Barabbas!
>> barabbas, you are pardoned. >> what?
Wait, wait, wait! Aaaaah! >> wait. Which one is the magic
One? >> [ crying ] I'm the magic one!
>> no takebacks, chickenheads! >> the midnight society is now
In session. Can you all handle betty ann's
Scary story, or are you afraid of the dark?
[ all gasp ] >> my story actually happened to
Me. I call it "night of terror."
I agreed to a date with a guy, who shall remain nameless, who I
Did not want to go out with. But our parents are friends so
I had to. It was a shit-show from the
Moment he showed up in his crappy nissan.
>> hi, betty ann! He was so nervous, he ejac'd in
His khakis and then ran into a low-hanging tree branch.
>> aah! [ laughter ]
>> hey, don't you drive a nissan, gary?
>> what?! No! Yes! I mean --
Aah! Unh! Aah!
[ laughter ] oh, my khakis!
>> forrest, we've been married for a while.
Maybe we should spice things up. Talk dirty to me.
>> what does that mean, jen-ny? >> I don't know.
Say something mean. >> okay.
You are a [bleep] idiot. >> not what I had in mind,
Forrest. Say something else, but call me
A slut after. >> okay.
Staying sober is a daily struggle for you...Slut.
>> forrest! Just, um...
Be rough with me. Don't worry. I'll like it.
Ow! Shit, forrest!
>> spicing things up is hard, jen-ny.
>> I'm gonna go get some ice. >> bitch be out of her damn
Mind.
>> ow! Ow!
>> all right, y'all, let's get sexy!
>> that was a terrible way to start a grief-counseling
Session. >> yeah. How terrible.
>> honey, look out! Cliché!
>> huh? [ all screaming ]
What's happening?! >> kre-o!
They're everywh-- aah!
>> run! There's something wrong with
Them. They look like us but different!
>> this way! Hurry! Your life has more value than
Other people!
Jerry, we need your expertise! >> my expertise?
I'm not a soldier! >> jerry, we need a lawyer.
>> put simply, jerry, we're being invaded...
By imitation blocks. >> off-brand products with a
Taste for lego blood! They're nearly identical but
Different...Wrong. Like when you sit on your hand
Until it goes to sleep. You try to pretend flo from the
Progressive commercials is giving you an h.J., but you
Know it's not flo. You know that!
She'd never be so clumsy, so artless.
>> that's impossible! We're trademarked!
>> no, general. Lego bricks aren't protected by
Trademark. They're protected by patent.
>> hell, man, what's the difference?
>> the difference is... Patents expire.
Cool! Someone turned that legal document into a gif.
That's fun. >> isn't it "jiff"?
Anyway, how do we stop it? >> there's nothing we can do.
Don't worry, flo. I'll protect you.
>> don't worry, girl from the wendy's commercials.
>> don't worry, geico gecko. >> they covered the whole globe
In no time -- mega bloks, kre-o, best-lock, coco, banbao,
Rokenbok, super blox, and leggo with two g's, which was
[ zombies groaning ] >> ♪ lego my baby ♪
♪ lego my honey ♪ ♪ lego my ragtime gal ♪
>> daddy, are we safe? >> of course we are, son.
People are singing, aren't they? Ugh.
That is the lowest form of music.
>> ♪ honey, you'll lose me ♪ ♪ then you'll be left alone ♪
[ zombies groaning loudly ] >> the terrible singing!
They're attracted to the terrible singing!
>> ohh! >> ow!
>> fire! Fire! They're too fast!
Ohh! >> jerry, I've found a way to
Camouflage ourselves! >> that beats my solution.
Pew pew! Pew pew! Pew! >> legos are machined to a
Tolerance of 10 micrometers! That's why we're so expensive!
But this serum will make us look cheaper and sloppier!
Aah! We look like them now!
>> I'd...Rather...Die. >> what?!
They have transformers? No, son! No!
>> aah! >> noooooooooo!
>> you probably don't even want to go on living now.
>> huh? Oh, that was just a kid from my wife's first marriage.
But that looked really painful. Hit me with the juice!
[ groaning ] no! You turned me into a [bleep]
Duplo! It's the same company as lego,
You fool! Aah!
Guys, is this ending working?
Let's re-shoot it. [ zombies murmuring ]
>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.