[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ sawing ]
[ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive!
[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ]
>> hut one! Hut two! Hut -- >> aah!
>> double cross, bitch! >> wilson! I see a boat!
There's a boat coming this way! We're rescued!
>> go! Go! Go! Go! Go! >> what are you doing?
>> we are hijacking your ship, captain.
Call your government and tell them we want $1 million, or we
Will kill you. >> everyone thinks I'm dead
Already. >> okay, this is, uh, clearly a
Mistake. >> aah!
>> holy crap! Is that a bengal tiger?
>> [ growls ] >> aah!
>> richard parker! >> wilson!
>> richard parker! >> wilson!!
>> welcome back to boxing night here in bangkok.
The champion is saensak payakaroon, a proud thai
Fighter. His challenger is another thai
Fighter -- tie fighter. [ bell clangs ]
And the bells clang, and payakaroon advances on his
Opponent and lands a right jab and a hook, and now another
Solid jab, and it doesn't seem to be fazing the empire
Starfighter at all! If anything, payakaroon seems to
Be injuring his own hand, shooting punches straight into
The metal hull. Ooh!
And there's a laser blast from the tie fighter, and
Payakaroon's head is blown clear off.
Tie fighter wins his first fight with a decisive victory.
They are trying to attach the championship belt to his waist,
And he does not like it! >> baby, I've got a secret, but
I'm afraid to tell you. >> it's okay, baby.
You just say it. >> I-I just put on this frosting
So you'd like me. I'm actually a bagel.
>> [ sobs ] you're jewish?!
>> kal-el. >> father?
>> I've programmed a hologram of myself to assist you.
Get out of here before general zod arrives.
>> thank you, father. >> looks like you're eating too
Much dairy, kal-el. >> dad! I don't need your help!
>> your digestive tract suggests otherwise.
That's going to be a triple wipe -- maybe more.
Aim for a one-wiper. Try to eat less cheese.
>> ugh! Ridiculous! >> oh, clark.
I think I'm ready to go all the way.
>> game time, lois. [ both smooching ]
>> I'd begin with foreplay, kal-el.
>> what's going on?! Who's that?!
>> start by kissing her inner thigh, then spell out the
Alphabet on her clitoris with your tongue.
The krypton alphabet, specifically the letter
[babbling wildly] >> dad! This is so embarrassing!
>> your dead father makes some good points about cunnilingus.
Thanks. >> jor-elcome.
>> are you a house? >> uh, no.
[ machine beeping ] [ dramatic music plays ]
>> fly with me to never land! [ children laughing ]
>> children! No! >> these are the lost boys.
They're not vampires. [ telephone rings ]
We...Have a phone? Hello?
>> I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.
I don't know why you dress like...?
>> a gay robin hood. >> like a gay robin hood.
But I have a very particular set of skills that make me a
Nightmare for people like you, by which I guess I mean flying
Gay robin hoods. >> good luck finding never land,
Grandpa. [ receiver slams ]
>> oh, what's he saying? [ dial tone ]
>> he's saying "ahhhhhhhhhhhh." >> that's the dial tone.
>> dial tone? This is a very old phone.
He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground
Sex club called "never land." >> oh, thank goodness you do
Security work for bankers, like myself, mr. Mills.
But how will you reach the children?
They were flying. >> I think I heard them say
Something about "thinking happy thoughts."
>> happy thoughts, eh? >> no! No, please!
Aah! >> whoo-hoo! Off I go!
[ crash ]
>> aah! >> ugh!
>> aah!
>> [ farts ] I just pooped in my tail!
>> where are the children? >> [ farts ]
>> I've never met real-live mermaids before!
>> oh-ho! That's so fun! Let's drown this bitch.
>> no! Please! Don't! No! No! Oh!
>> wendy, where are your brothers?
>> there! On the pirate ship! >> time for these little
Chickadees to walk the plank! [ laughs evilly ]
>> ticktock. Time's up. Hyah!
>> aaaaaaah! >> I'm taking you home,
Children. >> not so fast, you old codfish!
>> ooh! Nah nah nah! Nah na--
>> tink! Good luck getting home without
Her fairy dust, asshole! >> why would I want to leave
When my happy thought's about to come true?
>> your what? Oh! No! No --
Aah! >> okay, but seriously, man, how
The [bleep] are we getting home?!
>> hang on. >> oh! No! No! Wait!
Aah! >> [ humming ]
>> "a but tuba"? This looks like the work of --
>> was it a bat I saw? >> palindrome.
I see you're still talking in sentences that are spelled the
Same forward and backward. What are you planning?
>> evil I did dwell, lewd I did live.
>> tell me, why do you continue to haunt gotham, palindrome?
>> mr. Owl ate my metal worm. >> mr. Owl?
I don't know mr. Owl! >> go hang a salami, I'm a
Lasagna hog. >> over my dead body,
Palindrome. Yah!
>> yarg! God dam mad dog. >> I should feed you to the
Dogs. >> no, sir. Prefer prison.
>> it's not too late for you, palindrome.
You could still do good. >> do good, I? No!
Evil anon I deliver, I maim nine more hero men in saginaw,
Sanitary sword a-tuck, carol, I. Lo! Rack, caught a drowsy rat in
Aswan. I gas nine more hero men in
Miami. Reviled I, nona, live on.
I do -- oh, god! >> wow.
That was impressive. Yah!
>> yarg! >> look, honey! A shooting star!
>> aww! >> domino, mother[bleep]
[ machine gun firing ] >> both: Ah! Ah! Aaaaah!
>> thanks for throwing me a welcoming party, count.
I've never been to a party hosted by a vampire before.
>> I do it for all the newcomers, alex.
After tonight, I guarantee you'll be...
One of us. Anh anh anh anh!
[ techno music playing ]
>> mmm. >> mmm.
>> I guess when our show's guests include katy perry and
Ice-t, it's a slippery slope. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Hey, grover. Hi, snuffy. Huh?
Oh, no! The count -- h-he turned you
All into the undead! >> if you assumed I was a
Vampire in every other way but that, then I count one -- one
Moron. >> aah! Aah! Oh, no!
Aah! Oh! [ dramatic music plays ]
Oh, nice character intro. How long you been waitin' here
Watching me shit myself? >> get him!
>> ooh! >> aah!
>> "s" is for "sever."
>> ha! Flawless built-in defense
System. Wait! W-what are you doing?
>> aah! Oof!
I see one -- one dead mother-- oh, my goodness.
There's not a speck of blood on you.
What, do you keep a pack of handi wipes in that flak jacket?
>> no. Just this. >> one. Two --
>> stop counting. >> that was a play-by-play.
I just pissed and shit in my own pants.
Aah! [ choking ]
>> wow. So, I guess if you've hunted all
The way to sesame street, you must have gotten every vampire
In the world. >> not quite.
>> who wants some of my count chocula cereal?
Which, if looked at from a very specific point of view, is a
Nutritious part of this balanced breakfast.
[ shotgun cocks ] you!
>> almost done there, doc? >> just a second, mr. Peterson.
I... Yes, I am done.
I'd like to do further tests, but I --
My watch! >> yoink!
>> [ nerdy voice ] what's going on?
>> [ nerdy voice ] they announced the premiere date for
"star wars: Episode vii." it's gonna be so cool!
>> yeah. It's so cool. ♪ I should be happy about
"star wars" ♪ ♪ but just like blue milk, I
Feel blue ♪ ♪ 'cause what if it's a mess? ♪
♪ I can't help but obsess ♪ ♪ about all the horrible crap
They could do ♪ ♪ they could give lightsabers to
Ewoks ♪ ♪ make boba fett have a
Talking dog friend ♪ >> voiced by eddie murphy.
Heh heh heh heh... >> ♪ product placement would be
Sad ♪ ♪ plot twist, luke is his own
Dad ♪ >> I'll never join me!
>> ♪ and everyone high-fives in the end ♪
>> all: Yeah! Don't do drugs! >> ♪ they could save all of the
Wookiees ♪ ♪ and dress them up in business
Suits ♪ ♪ ackbar said... ♪
>> it's a rap! >> ♪ and then he starts to rap ♪
♪ and han says a catchphrase when he shoots ♪
>> oh, did I do that? >> ♪ oh, I've been burned so
Many times before ♪ ♪ green lantern, prometheus,
2 girls 1 cup ♪ ♪ but "star wars" is the one
That I most adore ♪ ♪ please, j.J., don't [bleep]
This up ♪ >> all: ♪ u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-up ♪
>> [ vomits ] >> ♪ I don't know what's real
Anymore ♪ ♪ "star wars" has become my sad
Fixation ♪ ♪ mom wanted me to be a
Surgeon ♪ ♪ I'm 26 and still a -- ♪
Comic collector. Ohhhh!
♪ but never mind ♪ ♪ these movies could be
Awesome ♪ ♪ a million force ghosts going
On a killing spree ♪ ♪ giant space worms everywhere ♪
♪ chewie's grown back all his hair ♪
♪ I'll camp out for a whole year just to see ♪
♪ "star wars: Episode vii" shot in imax and 3-d ♪
And starring me as luke skywalker's favorite son,
Who gets the best stuff, like lightsabers made of gold!
♪ and finally has sex ♪ [ all cheer ]
>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk. >> wilson!
>> richard parker! >> wilson!
>> richard parker!