1 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:08,941 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 2 00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:10,943 [ sawing ] 3 00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:19,852 [ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive! 4 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,531 [ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ] 5 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,834 [ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ] 6 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,406 >> hut one! Hut two! Hut -- >> aah! 7 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:45,110 >> double cross, bitch! >> wilson! I see a boat! 8 00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:48,747 There's a boat coming this way! We're rescued! 9 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,749 >> go! Go! Go! Go! Go! >> what are you doing? 10 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,718 >> we are hijacking your ship, captain. 11 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,221 Call your government and tell them we want $1 million, or we 12 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:59,191 Will kill you. >> everyone thinks I'm dead 13 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:02,327 Already. >> okay, this is, uh, clearly a 14 00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:03,762 Mistake. >> aah! 15 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:06,031 >> holy crap! Is that a bengal tiger? 16 00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:08,333 >> [ growls ] >> aah! 17 00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:10,235 >> richard parker! >> wilson! 18 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,271 >> richard parker! >> wilson! 19 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:15,240 >> richard parker! >> wilson!! 20 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:19,812 >> welcome back to boxing night here in bangkok. 21 00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:22,881 The champion is saensak payakaroon, a proud thai 22 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,917 Fighter. His challenger is another thai 23 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,885 Fighter -- tie fighter. [ bell clangs ] 24 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:29,388 And the bells clang, and payakaroon advances on his 25 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:32,257 Opponent and lands a right jab and a hook, and now another 26 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,927 Solid jab, and it doesn't seem to be fazing the empire 27 00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:37,563 Starfighter at all! If anything, payakaroon seems to 28 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:40,399 Be injuring his own hand, shooting punches straight into 29 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,667 The metal hull. Ooh! 30 00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:44,269 And there's a laser blast from the tie fighter, and 31 00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,605 Payakaroon's head is blown clear off. 32 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,741 Tie fighter wins his first fight with a decisive victory. 33 00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:53,045 They are trying to attach the championship belt to his waist, 34 00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:56,682 And he does not like it! >> baby, I've got a secret, but 35 00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:58,750 I'm afraid to tell you. >> it's okay, baby. 36 00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:01,420 You just say it. >> I-I just put on this frosting 37 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:04,223 So you'd like me. I'm actually a bagel. 38 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:08,427 >> [ sobs ] you're jewish?! 39 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:09,695 >> kal-el. >> father? 40 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,397 >> I've programmed a hologram of myself to assist you. 41 00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:14,600 Get out of here before general zod arrives. 42 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:18,537 >> thank you, father. >> looks like you're eating too 43 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,039 Much dairy, kal-el. >> dad! I don't need your help! 44 00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:23,208 >> your digestive tract suggests otherwise. 45 00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,444 That's going to be a triple wipe -- maybe more. 46 00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:28,347 Aim for a one-wiper. Try to eat less cheese. 47 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,782 >> ugh! Ridiculous! >> oh, clark. 48 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,851 I think I'm ready to go all the way. 49 00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:35,821 >> game time, lois. [ both smooching ] 50 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,756 >> I'd begin with foreplay, kal-el. 51 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,591 >> what's going on?! Who's that?! 52 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:42,361 >> start by kissing her inner thigh, then spell out the 53 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:44,596 Alphabet on her clitoris with your tongue. 54 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,965 The krypton alphabet, specifically the letter 55 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:50,402 [babbling wildly] >> dad! This is so embarrassing! 56 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:53,505 >> your dead father makes some good points about cunnilingus. 57 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,875 Thanks. >> jor-elcome. 58 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,344 >> are you a house? >> uh, no. 59 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:03,315 [ machine beeping ] [ dramatic music plays ] 60 00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:06,552 >> fly with me to never land! [ children laughing ] 61 00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:09,755 >> children! No! >> these are the lost boys. 62 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:12,124 They're not vampires. [ telephone rings ] 63 00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:15,327 We...Have a phone? Hello? 64 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:18,197 >> I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. 65 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:20,365 I don't know why you dress like...? 66 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,768 >> a gay robin hood. >> like a gay robin hood. 67 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,637 But I have a very particular set of skills that make me a 68 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,974 Nightmare for people like you, by which I guess I mean flying 69 00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:32,311 Gay robin hoods. >> good luck finding never land, 70 00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:34,112 Grandpa. [ receiver slams ] 71 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:36,281 >> oh, what's he saying? [ dial tone ] 72 00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:41,887 >> he's saying "ahhhhhhhhhhhh." >> that's the dial tone. 73 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,056 >> dial tone? This is a very old phone. 74 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:47,292 He's holding your children in what I presume is an underground 75 00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:50,262 Sex club called "never land." >> oh, thank goodness you do 76 00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:52,898 Security work for bankers, like myself, mr. Mills. 77 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,033 But how will you reach the children? 78 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,502 They were flying. >> I think I heard them say 79 00:03:57,504 --> 00:03:59,938 Something about "thinking happy thoughts." 80 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:02,507 >> happy thoughts, eh? >> no! No, please! 81 00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:04,610 Aah! >> whoo-hoo! Off I go! 82 00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:05,510 [ crash ] 83 00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:13,018 >> aah! >> ugh! 84 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,920 >> aah! 85 00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:20,826 >> [ farts ] I just pooped in my tail! 86 00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,995 >> where are the children? >> [ farts ] 87 00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:26,098 >> I've never met real-live mermaids before! 88 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,201 >> oh-ho! That's so fun! Let's drown this bitch. 89 00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:33,272 >> no! Please! Don't! No! No! Oh! 90 00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:36,341 >> wendy, where are your brothers? 91 00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:39,811 >> there! On the pirate ship! >> time for these little 92 00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:44,249 Chickadees to walk the plank! [ laughs evilly ] 93 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,752 >> ticktock. Time's up. Hyah! 94 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:49,054 >> aaaaaaah! >> I'm taking you home, 95 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,457 Children. >> not so fast, you old codfish! 96 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:57,095 >> ooh! Nah nah nah! Nah na-- 97 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,765 >> tink! Good luck getting home without 98 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,934 Her fairy dust, asshole! >> why would I want to leave 99 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,270 When my happy thought's about to come true? 100 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,872 >> your what? Oh! No! No -- 101 00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:10,375 Aah! >> okay, but seriously, man, how 102 00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,511 The [bleep] are we getting home?! 103 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,579 >> hang on. >> oh! No! No! Wait! 104 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:17,683 Aah! >> [ humming ] 105 00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:26,725 >> "a but tuba"? This looks like the work of -- 106 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:29,127 >> was it a bat I saw? >> palindrome. 107 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:32,664 I see you're still talking in sentences that are spelled the 108 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,667 Same forward and backward. What are you planning? 109 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:39,871 >> evil I did dwell, lewd I did live. 110 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:43,141 >> tell me, why do you continue to haunt gotham, palindrome? 111 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:47,079 >> mr. Owl ate my metal worm. >> mr. Owl? 112 00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:50,382 I don't know mr. Owl! >> go hang a salami, I'm a 113 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,884 Lasagna hog. >> over my dead body, 114 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,353 Palindrome. Yah! 115 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:57,889 >> yarg! God dam mad dog. >> I should feed you to the 116 00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,158 Dogs. >> no, sir. Prefer prison. 117 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,061 >> it's not too late for you, palindrome. 118 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:06,998 You could still do good. >> do good, I? No! 119 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:12,237 Evil anon I deliver, I maim nine more hero men in saginaw, 120 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:17,843 Sanitary sword a-tuck, carol, I. Lo! Rack, caught a drowsy rat in 121 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:20,946 Aswan. I gas nine more hero men in 122 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:25,050 Miami. Reviled I, nona, live on. 123 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:29,554 I do -- oh, god! >> wow. 124 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:34,459 That was impressive. Yah! 125 00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:37,562 >> yarg! >> look, honey! A shooting star! 126 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:41,133 >> aww! >> domino, mother[bleep] 127 00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:43,602 [ machine gun firing ] >> both: Ah! Ah! Aaaaah! 128 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:46,104 >> thanks for throwing me a welcoming party, count. 129 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:49,074 I've never been to a party hosted by a vampire before. 130 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,610 >> I do it for all the newcomers, alex. 131 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,413 After tonight, I guarantee you'll be... 132 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:58,583 One of us. Anh anh anh anh! 133 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,685 [ techno music playing ] 134 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,590 >> mmm. >> mmm. 135 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,293 >> I guess when our show's guests include katy perry and 136 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:12,431 Ice-t, it's a slippery slope. Whoo-hoo-hoo! 137 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:16,201 Hey, grover. Hi, snuffy. Huh? 138 00:07:18,037 --> 00:07:20,972 Oh, no! The count -- h-he turned you 139 00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:24,142 All into the undead! >> if you assumed I was a 140 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:28,613 Vampire in every other way but that, then I count one -- one 141 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,950 Moron. >> aah! Aah! Oh, no! 142 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,119 Aah! Oh! [ dramatic music plays ] 143 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:37,489 Oh, nice character intro. How long you been waitin' here 144 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:41,493 Watching me shit myself? >> get him! 145 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:43,228 >> ooh! >> aah! 146 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,430 >> "s" is for "sever." 147 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,835 >> ha! Flawless built-in defense 148 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:52,437 System. Wait! W-what are you doing? 149 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:53,672 >> aah! Oof! 150 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:57,342 I see one -- one dead mother-- oh, my goodness. 151 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,977 There's not a speck of blood on you. 152 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,480 What, do you keep a pack of handi wipes in that flak jacket? 153 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,349 >> no. Just this. >> one. Two -- 154 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:07,552 >> stop counting. >> that was a play-by-play. 155 00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:10,789 I just pissed and shit in my own pants. 156 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:14,860 Aah! [ choking ] 157 00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,795 >> wow. So, I guess if you've hunted all 158 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,531 The way to sesame street, you must have gotten every vampire 159 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,533 In the world. >> not quite. 160 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,635 >> who wants some of my count chocula cereal? 161 00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:26,371 Which, if looked at from a very specific point of view, is a 162 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,406 Nutritious part of this balanced breakfast. 163 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:31,309 [ shotgun cocks ] you! 164 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:33,812 >> almost done there, doc? >> just a second, mr. Peterson. 165 00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,981 I... Yes, I am done. 166 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,749 I'd like to do further tests, but I -- 167 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,484 My watch! >> yoink! 168 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:40,852 >> [ nerdy voice ] what's going on? 169 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,821 >> [ nerdy voice ] they announced the premiere date for 170 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:46,057 "star wars: Episode vii." it's gonna be so cool! 171 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:52,731 >> yeah. It's so cool. ♪ I should be happy about 172 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:56,535 "star wars" ♪ ♪ but just like blue milk, I 173 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:59,704 Feel blue ♪ ♪ 'cause what if it's a mess? ♪ 174 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:03,174 ♪ I can't help but obsess ♪ ♪ about all the horrible crap 175 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:09,414 They could do ♪ ♪ they could give lightsabers to 176 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,550 Ewoks ♪ ♪ make boba fett have a 177 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,286 Talking dog friend ♪ >> voiced by eddie murphy. 178 00:09:14,288 --> 00:09:16,454 Heh heh heh heh... >> ♪ product placement would be 179 00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,456 Sad ♪ ♪ plot twist, luke is his own 180 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,191 Dad ♪ >> I'll never join me! 181 00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:22,394 >> ♪ and everyone high-fives in the end ♪ 182 00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:27,299 >> all: Yeah! Don't do drugs! >> ♪ they could save all of the 183 00:09:27,301 --> 00:09:30,268 Wookiees ♪ ♪ and dress them up in business 184 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,970 Suits ♪ ♪ ackbar said... ♪ 185 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,773 >> it's a rap! >> ♪ and then he starts to rap ♪ 186 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:37,375 ♪ and han says a catchphrase when he shoots ♪ 187 00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:41,313 >> oh, did I do that? >> ♪ oh, I've been burned so 188 00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:44,449 Many times before ♪ ♪ green lantern, prometheus, 189 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:47,519 2 girls 1 cup ♪ ♪ but "star wars" is the one 190 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:50,488 That I most adore ♪ ♪ please, j.J., don't [bleep] 191 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:54,492 This up ♪ >> all: ♪ u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-up ♪ 192 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,828 >> [ vomits ] >> ♪ I don't know what's real 193 00:09:56,830 --> 00:10:00,398 Anymore ♪ ♪ "star wars" has become my sad 194 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,867 Fixation ♪ ♪ mom wanted me to be a 195 00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:05,837 Surgeon ♪ ♪ I'm 26 and still a -- ♪ 196 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:09,741 Comic collector. Ohhhh! 197 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,713 ♪ but never mind ♪ ♪ these movies could be 198 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:17,148 Awesome ♪ ♪ a million force ghosts going 199 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,318 On a killing spree ♪ ♪ giant space worms everywhere ♪ 200 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,153 ♪ chewie's grown back all his hair ♪ 201 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:26,224 ♪ I'll camp out for a whole year just to see ♪ 202 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,728 ♪ "star wars: Episode vii" shot in imax and 3-d ♪ 203 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,430 And starring me as luke skywalker's favorite son, 204 00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,834 Who gets the best stuff, like lightsabers made of gold! 205 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:42,674 ♪ and finally has sex ♪ [ all cheer ] 206 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:45,076 >> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 207 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,212 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 208 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:49,347 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 209 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,516 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 210 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,652 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ 211 00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,854 ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 212 00:10:55,856 --> 00:11:00,959 Ba-gawk! Bawk. >> wilson! 213 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:04,129 >> richard parker! >> wilson! 214 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:07,232 >> richard parker! >> wilson! 215 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,900 >> richard parker!