[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ sawing ]
[ electricity crackles ] >> it's alive!
[ thunder crashes ] >> [ laughs evilly ]
[ smooch! ] [ laughs evilly ]
[ insects chirping ] >> honey, why don't you just try
Counting sheep? >> does that really work?
>> just give it a try. >> [ sighs ]
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... [ sheep bleating ]
>> ...7, 8, 9, 10! Move it, sheep! Jump, jump!
Listen up. You have one job -- to help
Humans fall asleep. Fail and we'll turn your asses
Into lamb chops! 11, you're late!
>> [ bleating ] my name is samuel.
>> now, let that be a lesson to all you --
>> my name is samuel. >> my name is samuel.
>> my name is samuel! >> what the the [bleep]
All right, stay -- stay back! Stay back!
[ screaming ] >> [ yawns ]
>> hey, how'd you sleep? >> eh, fine.
[ both grunting ] >> you're pretty good, misty.
>> better than you, ash. Oh, darn!
Ash! Why have we been playing tennis with a pokéball?
>> pikachu pissed on my rug. >> [ groaning ]
>> damn right. >> [ singing operatically ]
[ cheers and applause ] hold my oakleys!
Huh! >> no, no, no, no!
[ vacuum cleaner runs ] >> get your penis out of the
Vacuum cleaner. [ vacuum cleaner shuts off ]
>> family, after nearly killing you on a ski trip to the
Himalayas, i saved your lives by giving each of you bionic
Implants. Let's use these cool new powers
As the bionic six! [ all cheering ]
>> uh, hon, maybe we should be grateful we're alive and not --
>> the bionic six! >> open wide!
>> you just got eighty-bionic-sixed!
>> [ grunts ] dad, turns out hitting homers
Isn't a superpower. Aah!
>> bionic five! >> eric?
>> uh, his code name is sports-1.
>> he's our son and he's dead, you asshole!
We're getting a divorce. >> bionic four!
>> hyah! [ gunfire ]
>> bionic three! >> you killed my brother!
>> aah! >> bionic two!
>> we never had any training! [ groans ]
>> bionic one! >> only now do i see that
Bionics solve nothing. >> i am out of work!
>> it is every parent's worst nightmare to outlive their
Child. I will treasure each of the
Years i had with my sweet, beloved andrew.
Hold my oakleys, brah. Andrew was way too pussy to surf
A wave like this. Yeah!
>> i'm sorry, professor dumbledore.
This curse is at stage 4. You only have six months to
Live. >> [ sighs ]
>> but try to look on the bright side.
You're a highly educated wizard. I'm sure you've done something
Really great with your life. >> i teach high school.
>> oh. Well, i'll leave you alone to cry.
[ door opens ] scalpus badassus.
[ twinkle! Twinkle! Twinkle! ] [ "breaking bad"-like
Theme plays ]
We will create a money-making potion to fund your war with
Voldemort long after i'm gone. >> wolfsbane, fluxweed,
20 packages of sudafed? This sounds like the dark arts.
>> it's what your parents would've wanted, harry.
>> i'll do it! >> well done, ms. Granger.
Your batch is 99% pure. And mr. Weasley...
>> oh, no! Ron! The most useless of our trio!
>> relax, hermione. Untrained students mixing
Potentially fatal potions are no big deal at hogwarts.
See? He's perf-- oh, my god! [ thud ]
>> children, have you learned nothing from your annual
Near-death adventures? Magic heals anything.
Makes it hard to care about the consequences, frankly.
He'll be good as new! [ insects chirping ]
[ humming ]
>> i don't think so, harry. Professor snape said he wouldn't
Drink your potions with bea arthur's dick.
>> yeah. >> yeah, come on.
>> quick! Use the magic words dumbledore gave us!
>> both: The first taste is free!
>> you know, i always thought bea arthur was attractive.
>> okay, class. As you know from your reading, a
Hydra's temperature can only be taken rectally.
Any volunteers? Children? By merlin's merkin!
>> [ mumbling ] >> hagrid is going to blow the
Lid off our entire operation, professor!
>> i knew hiring a 12-foot-tall mongoloid would bite me in the
Ass one day. I'm on it.
>> i'm home, fang! Come here, boy!
[ beeping ] fang!
>> i did it! Now i can...
[ groans ] i got hit with a stray shell.
Seems kind of arbitrary after such a tightly plotted rise to
Infamy. [ rock music playing ]
[ banjo playing ] >> one man can be pretty dumb
Sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't
Nothing can beat teamwork. [ chair creaks ]
[ patriotic music plays ]
>> [ straining ] [ squeak! Pop! Splat! ]
Another perfect giraffe! Oh, no.
That's too good to waste. Hey, where's that birthday boy?
[ baby crying ] >> can -- can i hold my baby?
>> you can hold your baby's oakleys.
[ hard-rock music plays, crowd cheering ]
>> [ bleats ] >> i finally figured out what's
Wrong with you, otis -- male cows don't have udders.
>> uh, right. And neither do i.
I was born a hermaphrodite? I, uh...
Oh, sweet cud. I'm a girl. You got me.
[ laughter ] >> oh, my god.
Was that a strap-on or -- oh, was that your hoof?!
>> what? You want to hate me for pretending to be something i'm
Not? Fine.
Then, abby, cows don't have blond hair!
[ all gasp ] and, bessie, cows can't walk on
Two legs. Our knees should explode under
This much weight. >> ow!
[ both scream ] >> fantasy looks pretty good
Now, huh, you judgmental bitches?!
[ whistle! ] >> my balls!
[ whoosh! ] >> my vagina!
>> am i doing this wrong? I think i'm doing this wrong.
>> dear mother, i take pen in hand to inform you that, today,
Your son, private pizza, became a killer.
Our platoon was on dawn patrol when the enemy hit us.
>> ambush! We got a-- bullets started flying and, in
That moment, i couldn't tell my fellow kitchen commandos
Apart from our enemy, the refrigerator rejects.
I felt powerless, until i saw that greasy bastard killing
Major munch. A rage overtook me, and i gave
That fried freak a closed-casket funeral.
I can't remember why we fight anymore.
I pray that someday this war ends, a day when there is no
Meat drawer, no veggie crisper, just food and food alike in one
Fridge, together. Until that day, i am your son,
Private pizza, 1st battalion, kitchen commandos.
>> aah! >> suicide taco! Get down!
[ coughs ] [ weakly ] nobody wins...
[ coughs ] ...In a food fight.
>> let us begin this journey for the roman catholic church.
Let us allow gays to marry and maybe shut up once in a while
About abortion. Hold my oakleys.
Hey! Aah!
>> so, rapunzel, does the carpet match the drapes?
>> mm, you tell me. You just climbed up the carpet.
>> cobra has developed a mind-control energy drink.
It even looks and smells like asparagus piss, just like the
Real thing. Cobra is giving it away at the
X games, so -- never thought i'd say this -- this is a mission
For g.I. Joe... Extreme.
>> all: Extreme! >> [ sighs ]
>> ballistic, grab the mountain dew!
Metal-head, crank up the smash mouth!
>> so, duke, i got to ask -- why does g.I. Joe have a unit for
Extreme tasks? >> eh, it was the '90s.
>> harpoon, talk to the hand! Not!
[ engine revs ] [ horn honks ]
>> do i spy a ninja with bleached blond hair?
>> it's frosted tips, brah! I'm bustin' moves, extreme
Style! Go-gurt!
>> remember, you're undercover. Don't call attention to
Yourselves. >> you heard the bro!
Chillax, you ally mcbeals! >> oh, you son of a --
>> take it easy, boss. [ horn honks ]
>> listen up, fellow youth. Snakebite energy drinks are not
Cool! >> [ whispers ]
>> or dope. [ sea gull squawks ]
>> i am sold! It's ironic viral marketing!
Let's get a snakebite! >> don't worry, dawg.
I got this. Who wants in? Pretty sick, huh?
I got devil sticks, too. [ sea gull squawks ]
>> let's get a snakebite! >> no fear!
>> no! We got to take it to the extreme!
Black dragon? Who wants to see some gnarly
Shredding? >> uh, that's a steep half-pipe.
Where's that ninja's helmet? >> don't need one.
Homey's got frosted tips! >> say no to
Snakebite energy drink! Show me the money!
[ crack! Splat! ] [ sea gull squawks ]
>> well, time for the most extreme option!
Target my location. Let the dogs out.
>> oh, my gosh. Did you call an air strike on
Us? [ tires squeal ]
>> well, seems a little -- >> say it!
>> extreme. [ bomb whistling ]
>> due to your extreme negligence...
>> all: Extreme! >> ...You are sentenced to
Death.
>> [ singing in spanish ] ♪ hey, maricopa ♪
[ singing in spanish ] ♪ hey, maricopa ♪