One reason interns have so much trouble putting in chest tubes
is because it is a violent procedure. You must not be scared, though.
You need to use force to get the tube between the ribs,
then pop it through the pleura. What do you say there, Lis? You can do this.
Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with this.
- You lost my teaching mannequin. - I don't know what happened to it.
Hello, carpool lane.
[Janitor] What movie do you want to see?
Inserting chest tube.
Lisa! God, he was joking!
Yes, I was, Lisa. Now take the rest of the afternoon off
and think about what you did.
This is a warning, people.
Anybody else who hurts Keith is going to get the same treatment as Lisa.
Good day.
Nothing like watching your boyfriend get humiliated daily.
Purple nurple!
[Screaming]
Baby, look at this! I'm starting to look like a big fat pregnant lady.
No, you're not. You look like you let yourself go a little.
[Crying]
OK, that came out wrong. But baby, it's OK.
You're overreacting because your pregnancy hormones are taking over.
It's fine. These past few days, your moods have changed like that.
That is not true!
- That's cool. - I'm sorry.
Let me kiss the owie. Kiss the owie.
Baby. Oh, I want to do it right now.
You don't want to do it now. This'll pass.
This is happening.
You're damn right this is happening.
My mom.
I can't believe she'll never meet her grandchild.
Do you want to start with kissing, or get to the good stuff?
What is wrong with you?
When will you learn? [Groaning]
[J.D.] Turk talking to a new staff member.
Give her a special treat and say hello.
Hello!
J.D., I'm sure you know Kim Briggs.
Uh, no, you big knucklehead, I don't.
On behalf of everyone here at Sacred Heart,
I'd like to say konichiwa.
- I've been here five years, big guy. - I know that, Kim.
It's a game. What's your name? Turk. What's that guy's name? I don't know.
It's a patient. Looks like a Dave. Are you Dave? We don't know.
- Torture him about this. - Will do.
Peace out.
How come I never noticed her before?
Because she wears a wedding ring.
You don't notice women who wear wedding rings.
- [Turk] Kim was here on your first day. - That's enough.
[Turk] She was at Ben's funeral.
- Dude, she's been around. - # Everybody was Kung Fu fighting
# Ne-me-ne-me Me-me-me-me-me #
So because she wears a wedding ring, she's invisible to me?
- Yes. - Please, T. I'm not that shallow.
Oh, really? Will all women who are married in the area
please remove your wedding rings?
[Scoffs]
Thank you.
Dr. Feinberg?
Anastasia?
Gift shop girl.
Hey, J.D.
- I thought you died. - No, I just got married.
But I sent your family flowers.
I know. You bought them from me. It was kind of weird.
- Gift shop girl! - [Girl] What?
- Stop that! - Sorry.
# I can't do this all on my own
# I know that I'm no Superman
That's backwards. It's been bugging me for years.
# I'm no Superman #
How are we doing, Mr. Peters?
[J.D.] I had checked up on Kim. She got along with everybody.
All the guys liked her.
Cover up, sailors. Chick on deck. I need extra towels for the ladies' room.
Oh, I got a towel for you.
Yah!
- [Fast swishing sound] - Thanks, Todd.
All the women liked her.
[Fast swishing sound]
I just love that every woman knows how to do that.
She even got along with the greasers.
I know everyone gives you a hard time, but trust me, this look is coming back.
I never got a synchronized snap from the greasers.
Mr. Peters, having a gal urologist might seem a little uncomfortable,
but the penis is just another excretory organ,
so let's take the stigma off of it.
Now, this is the length of the average penis.
What?!
That seems about right.
Good for you. I was just messing with Dr. Dorian over there.
You know what? I'm not talking to any of you guys.
I know, right?
You lie...!
Oh, my God!
Keith, I know we have plans tonight, but I am way too tired.
No problem. I'll call you tomorrow.
Hey, girls. Listen, Perry got uppity with me for,
and I quote, "spending $20,000 we don't have on shoes,"
so to get back at him, I'm treating everyone to drinks.
- I'll go. - You told Keith you were too tired.
I think Keith and I might be done.
What?!
Dorian, can I borrow that pencil for a second?
Just one second? Thank you.
[Fake Italian accent] Oh, no. I snapped the pencil.
- It's from my standup act. - Where do you perform?
I'm at the Giggle Pit every Monday at sunup.
- I'll have to come by sometime. - Do it, man.
Wait, I'm mad at you. You stole my video camera
with the scenes from Dr. Acula, the movie I'm making.
Why do you think I stole it?
I was surfing the hospital's Web site and I saw that someone posted
the "Dr. Acula delivers a baby then eats it" scene.
Someone with the screen name "Rotinaj."
"Rotinaj" is just "Janitor" spelled backwards, Rotinaj.
Morning, Dr. Rotinaj.
Good morning, Mr. Clean-Up-Man.
Mr. Peters, I looked at your CT scan and I recommend we don't do surgery.
Great.
This is goodbye, but I leave you in the capable hands
of Dr. John D. Dorian.
You take care.
I gave you a new middle initial. It reassures patients.
The "D" stands for "Dallas" because I told Mr. Peters
that's where I lost my virginity. Don't know how we got down that path.
Something about that old man makes me want to open up.
I hope you like your new initial.
I don't mind it a turtle's wink.
Wait, you only pepper your conversation with cute animal imagery
if you're smitten.
- Could you lend me a pen? - Quick as a porcupine's hiccup.
[Sexy jazz music]
All right, there's only one problem with this.
[Record scratches and music stops]
OK, see ya, J.D.
Kim, wait.
Unfortunately, there's no way I can make you mine,
unless I make you mine...
...for eternity.
Dr. Acula, don't stop!
Vampires like it windy.
Why are you breaking up with Keith?
Look, Keith is sweet,
but after watching him get walked on again,
I feel like I need a stronger man in my life.
I want what you have, someone to stand up for me when I need it, you know?
Someone as confident as Turk
or as brave as Dr. Cox or as...
I'm sorry, I don't know your husband. What are some of his good qualities?
Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix, and when it rains,
he carries me to the car.
And you guys have been together, what, 60 years?
I'm 48, and I'm done here.
My bad. Yeah.
I don't want Keith to go.
Elliot, I don't want Keith to go! [Crying]
There, there.
What? "I'm pregnant. I'm crying. I'm laughing." Enough already!
It's boring.
Listen up, nametags.
I need to wire some cash to my son so he can make bail.
Apparently, the musical he was producing was just a front for a crystal meth lab.
Here's the kicker: He fled to Toronto. The freaking Mounties are involved.
Anyhoo, I need somebody to zip out to my house and grab $400.
I'll do it.
I shouldn't be mopping here anyway. This is a rug.
[Sloshing]
Don't let him in your house, sir.
He'll steal everything you've got like he stole my camera.
You know the difference between you and me?
Your melon-sized prostate, sir?
I will never fear this man.
- You think I'm afraid of you, chief? - No, sir, I do not.
Look, I keep my extra cash in a pickle jar on the top shelf over the sink.
Enid wants that jar so bad she can taste it. [chuckling]
Oh, right.
You don't remember she's paralyzed and can't stand out of her wheelchair.
- That's why you're not laughing. - No, Bob.
We're not laughing because we're all horrified.
Well, it tickles me.
[Sloshing]
Huh.
OK, honey, I know Elliot upset you with this whole Keith thing,
but listen,
we're all gonna be extra, extra sensitive so you don't get riled up, OK?
I'm wearing red. Should I not be wearing red?
She's pregnant, she's not a bull.
I know you think I'm just being crazy, but Elliot,
you should not give up on Keith.
You say he's not strong enough because he gets stepped on at work,
but that's what it's like.
You're doing what we do when we get into a serious relationship,
freaking out and trying to poke holes in it.
Remember when I started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him
because he cried at the end of sex?
- Baby! - Relax, Brown Bear.
There's no shame in cry-maxing.
And you know how hard single life can be. Just ask Kim.
Wait. Kim's single?
Yeah. She's been divorced for over a year.
She wears the ring at the hospital so she doesn't get hit on.
Turk, keys!
Yahtzee!
Hey, girl. What are you doing? Want to get some coffee later?
- And then, the ultimate Cox-block. - [Cox whistles]
Hey. Why isn't Mr. Peters in there getting surgery?
I decided against it.
She thought it would be best if I treated him medically.
First of all, Newbie, nobody's ever thought that, ever.
Secondly, she's a cutter.
When is the last time you met a cutter who didn't want to cut?
Laverne, you've been here 40 years now. You ever heard of such a thing?
I'm gonna kill somebody.
I guess we all get mad when people say things we don't want to hear.
Elliot!
I'm sorry, but you can't leave until you promise me
you'll think about it with Keith.
Oh, my God, Carla! Will you please just butt out of this one?
Especially when things feel a bit fishy.
- Here's your cash. - Oh, thanks.
Hey, is that a new coat?
Yeah. Just picked it up.
Where did you get the money to buy it?
Mmm, I don't think that's any business of yours.
Still, it's always good to hear the truth.
Surgery is really the only thing that has a shot
at curing this guy,
and the reason that she's not going to do it
is he's older and has heart issues, which makes him high risk.
And if he were to drop dead on her operating table, well,
that would make her surgery stats go down.
And that wouldn't look very good on a young doctor's résumé, would it?
Even if it means losing respect for someone you might like.
What can I say? You got me.
Damn.
Hold on. Dr. Turk,
I covered your gastric-bypass patient last night. He left a message for you.
- What'd he say? - You are square.
- [Greasers laughing] - [Tires squealing]
Stupid greasers.
Oh, here comes Kim.
She had all night to think.
She'll probably be in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it.
- Oh, hey, fellas, how you living? - Large!
What!
What, was I not supposed to answer?
I wasn't the only one having relationship problems.
Sorry about the way I left last night.
We're OK, right?
Until you receive further notice, consider us not speaking.
I know you took my money to buy that ridiculous coat.
I bet you can't prove it.
Enid, you are my eyewitness.
Did he take more than $400?
Enid, is that a new pantsuit?
You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
All I think is that leather never goes out of style,
and if you keep money in a pickle jar, you should know how much is there,
and it won't hurt to buy your invalid wife something nice
so she can feel pretty.
These are just general thoughts about life, nothing specific to you.
- Mmm, that was nice. Thank you. - That wasn't me.
- Hey, dudes. - Don't "hey, dudes" us.
- You know what bothers me? - Non-threatening colloquial greetings?
It bothers me that a doctor won't help a patient so she could keep her stats up.
- Yeah! - Look, J.D.
Surgery's competitive. We do what we must to get ahead.
My best friend here's a surgeon,
and he'd never pass on risky surgery to keep his stats up.
Actually, I have done that.
- Everyone has. - Oh, my God!
Out of here! Dr. Cox, please weigh in.
Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them.
I'd liken them to rocks, but that would insult rocks
because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society.
We build bridges, throw them at guys wearing phones clipped to their heads.
It's a phone. You can't do this?
- However... - Now, back to the crux of the matter.
Hit her, Per!
However, it is not Dr. Briggs' fault
that she works in a broken system.
Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons
who they think are flawless.
That's not the answer you thought you'd hear,
but as always, I don't care.
Thank God he didn't see this.
Yeah, Mom, I was listening the whole time. I just couldn't talk.
[Groans]
[Kelso whistles]
Looks like somebody took their new titanium eight iron with a leather grip
and went to town on your van.
Well done, sir.
What? You think I did it?
Too bad you can't prove it.
Really?
I think I need to take more...
... blood.
What the hell is this?
It's Dorian's camera. This must be a scene from Dr. Acula.
You ain't taking no more blood from my ho-slapping hand.
I will pimp slap you!
This feels really racist, J.D.
- Why can't I be a vampire? - Because it's my movie!
Now, let's take it from the top and I'm not gonna ask you again, blacker!
- Blacker. - Yes, please.
- Blacker. - [J.D. Screaming]
[Hissing]
Now comes the good part.
Prove that!
And that! And that!
Yeah!
What do you want?
So, hey, I thought you might be hungry.
You enjoyed the pancakes I left on the computer?
No, but I enjoyed the 3,000 ants crawling on my keyboard.
There's two doing it on the F button.
I could be wrong, but it looks like two girls.
- What do you want, Elliot? - I wanted to apologize.
- Well, save it. - Look, Carla, I...
You must be bored with this friendship
when all you do is take, take, take.
The most embarrassing thing is you don't realize you do it.
Because, at the end of the day,
you're nothing but a spoiled, selfish, neurotic girl from Connecticut
who has absolutely no idea how to...
OK, that's enough!
I don't know what you are fighting about, but it doesn't matter.
No one's allowed to be that mean to my girl, especially when she's apologizing.
- Are we clear? - [JD] Nobody speaks to Carla like that.
It was cool getting to know you, man.
The irony was Keith was yelling at the one woman
who was trying to save his relationship.
I'm sorry, Elliot.
And even more ironic was that it looked like she had.
- Thanks for standing up for me. - Yeah, totally.
I think Elliot finally seeing who Keith really was
made me understand why I was so upset with Kim.
[# Aqualung: Easier to Lie]
Look who's happy again.
- Yeah, well, it's just... - J.D., one sec.
I'm on the phone with my mom. She just got her RV fixed.
Mom, I gotta go. You can call me from the road.
My mom loves the road.
I finally figured out what bothers me so much about you.
Well, lay it on me, studly.
It's the way you're so concerned about protecting yourself.
I mean, no one in this entire hospital has a bad thing to say about you,
and I'm guessing that's because you're careful not to rub anyone the wrong way.
And you still wear your wedding ring.
That prevents any guy from getting anywhere near you.
You wouldn't operate on Mr. Peters,
and we both know how you're protecting yourself there.
I don't know. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal.
I was a little disappointed to find out who you turned out to be.
I'll see you around, Kim.
See you.
- I don't want to do this. - No problem.
I'll give the tape to the police.
Ladies and gentleman, this is your chief of medicine, Bob Kelso.
"I feel compelled to tell you that I do,
in fact, fear the Janitor.
Honestly, is there anyone else with such a brilliant mind?"
You planned this, didn't you?
The whole being mean thing, so that Keith would stand up for me.
Oh, thanks.
- You didn't plan a damn thing, did you? - No, I snapped like a twig.
Please don't tell her.
Anyway, I guess people can always surprise you.
Who's Dr. Briggs operating on?
Your patient, Mr. Peters.
"So please join me in basking
in the glow of the Janitor's awesome:
...this isn't a word. - Read it.
"Fearitude." Good night.
[Imitating Edward Murrow] And good luck. I loved that movie.
I saw you did that surgery on Mr. Peters.
Did you decide it was the right thing to do?
No, actually, it was a stupid career risk.
Then why'd you do it?
Because for some reason, I find myself
really caring about what you think of me.
Oh.
Cool.
[Kim chuckles]