Well, I don't get it, sir.
Why do our doctors have to put a picture of themselves in their patients' rooms?
'Cause, Ted, not only does it make our doctors more accountable,
but a recent AMA study showed that it helps our patients
feel much closer bond with their phisician.
Plus, who would mark this young bucketer bedside.
That picture's so old that beaches are still segregated.
Look, they got us way in the back,
doesn't that bother you?
Good God I'm stunning.
Besides, have you seen everyone else's picture?
Turk!
Baby, ain't nobody lookin' at you.
Where was that taken?
Sears. Do you want a copy?
Dr. Cox and I were both taking care of Private Dancer.
See, I went with a younger picture, 'cause Ilike the father/son motif.
That is taken seconds after I won
the watermelon seed spitting contest at my theatre camp.
Probably my happiest day as a tennager.
That is both very sad and, not the least, bit shocking.
So, Brian, since we found they're getting you discharged, we came to say goodbye.
What's next for you, man?
I'm goin' back in the army.
I know it's gonna take a lot of phisical therapy, but...
that's where I belong, you know.
All the best, dear soldier-boy.
Brian cared abot one goodbye more than others.
Hey, uhm, would-would you sign this?
I promise you I'll...put that up in barracks.
So d'you want me to start it with I can still walk normally
and then sag away into an anecdote about how you play my tush like a bunghole
until i cry down in pleasure-pain?
Sorry?
Your army buddies are gonna see it, I assumed...you wanted it filthy.
No...filthy is cool.
ccc
Private Dancer, more like
Man, he sure has a positive outlook on life!
Right?
Carla, you're a rascal,
I can't help it notice young love-making jokes
What the...what the devil was that you were saying about your coffee?
I said: "It's so good it's like crack!"
I'm telling you guys, it really is.
You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable
about just how unfunny that actually was.
So what, I'm not funny?
Oh, I think you're very funny,
when you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse.
You know, as long as you stay right in your wheel house.
And it's no different for any of us.
Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck,
your husband sells it with a cocky attitude.
Yeah, ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
The janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane.
I made shoes for my rabbit.
And Alice here, well, she can turn a phrase.
I assume that because I just called you Alice,
that you're now fantasizing about me being the maid in the Brady bunch...
Am I right?
He was.
Now sadly, some people just aren't funny, but...
they have got funny names. For example:
Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Colonel Doctor and Snoop Dogg Intern.
Hey, hey.
My bad, Snoop Dog Resident.
The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me,
and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
- I am? - Yes.
Awwwwww.
And me, well, I'm funny because I commit.
C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T...T
I also do, uh, funny rants.
To tell you the truth, there is only one guy in this entire dump
who is funny no matter what he says.
Holy hell, are my new boxers made of wool?
Because my weasel's getting heat stroke!
The point is:
please, don't tell any more jokes.
- I'm not a sad sack, am I? - Ted, your pen exploded.
Awwww.
Awwwwwwwwwww.
- Bitches, leave! - It's go-time.
No no no no no...we're playing "Guess the movie quote". That was from Robocop.
It's my turn.
- "I could've got more out ..." - "Schindler's List".
I took my college girlfriend Stacy Blue to see that on our first date.
I cried, she didn't. Always thought that was weird.
- I remember Stacy... - Of course you do, Turk,
- you banged her while I was in Theology. - For the hundredth time, nothing happened!
We had a water-balloon fight, got wet and took our clothes off.
- You walked in and thought the worst. - There were no water balloons.
I looked, no balloons. You know what, I'm tired of this story.
I have Stacy's number on my phone, I'm gonna call her
- and we'll throw it up once and for all. - Call her!
Hi, Mrs. Blue?
Hi, it's, uhm, Dr. John Dorian,
I dated your beautiful daughter, Stacy, when we were in college.
She's dead?
- She fell asleep in the pool? - Oh, my God!
Incidentally did she ever mention banging a black guy...
when she was in college? Had a high top fade like Kid'n'Play.
Kid, Kid, Kid'n'Play, you know, they were a rap group. Your dead daughter loved them.
- Hello?! - Real smooth!
You know what, Turk, I wouldn't mess with me on watermelon day.
- Ooohhhhh! - Aahh! I've just changed my shirt!
My chicken!
Itasa Team Scrubs proudly presents
Scrubs - Season 06 Episode 12 My Fishbowl VO subtitles
Transcript: gi0v3, Tania, JohnDorian, Dharmagirl
Sync: R!ck, gi0v3
Revision: gi0v3
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JD, come on, let's go!
- Where did you get that fish? - Mr. Roth, who owns the pet store...
he's so excited to be in remission,
he got all the doctors who helped him out a pet as a thank you.
- Who else worked on that case? - Snoop Dog Resident.
My Hoos are gonna love this.
Hey, why are you checking Private Dancer's blood sugar?
- He's being discharged. - Not yet, he isn't.
They had just found him unconscious.
Could you hold this?
- Oh, damn! -What?
I don't know if it's old age that's slowing me down,
or maybe all that blood I lost last night fighting that hobo,
but I just blew that. I should have said,
"You think my job is so unimportant that I can stand around all day holding a fish?"
I can have you all moppy tonight, when we're out clubbing and on throwing me off my game.
Fine. I'll wait here
- and do this thing right. - Ok.
Well, it was quite scaring, but he's stable and breathing now.
- What happened? - I'm hoping one of you will figure it out.
He is low on meds carton.
Maybe some of the meds have just made his prescriptions up.
He'll regain consciousness soon.
- I'm gonna wait it up. - I wil too.
- Keith is out of town, I can stay. - And so can we.
No, we can't!
Baby, remember? We're supposed to renew our relations tonight
- ...for the first time since Izzie was born. - Well, I guess the only thing
you gonna renew tonight is your driver's licence. Hello?
- Wow! - I'm funny, damn it!
Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight is Karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.
- JD, drop it! - What happened that night?
This is how I remember it:
I was coming down from class and outside my room I heard
"Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!"
Then I open the door and I see you and Stacy. So I said:
"Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep,
you won't be crappin' my kids for a week!"
Then you said:
"Chill out, doooog, you know you my boyyy!
This ain't be what it looks like, aaaaight?"
- But it wasn't aight, was it Turk? - This is what really happened.
Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class, and she said:
"Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!"
We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like:
"Bbrr, I'm cold! Let's take off our clothes, get under the covers and warm up!"
Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy saying:
"Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!"
Then you came in and said...
"Uh, hey guys..."
Calm down JD, this isn't what it looks like.
Then I said:
All right?
- Nothing happened. So drop it. - No balloons!
And we didn't even have a basketball!
What the hell!
Who changed my picture?!
But it better not be like this in all the other rooms...
Hey jerk, you think I got nothing better than...
Sorry. Wrong jerk.
Dorian. Take it forever and there... I should just... I' m gonna smash it!
He knows that I'm gonna smash it.
He wants me to smash it.
He wants to prove that I can't "not smash" it. It's a head game.
You're never gonna win a head game with me, Dorian. Never. Never!
No, Turk, I know that face. Don't you dare make a foofy.
Baby, I had a big whole lunch. Now I got to...
- ... down town, push down. - No!
- Can I just have a little one? - No.
Oh, my God! You think farts are funny too?
- We can't let them know! - Shhh. No, no. Not that, that.
I changed his picture.
He says I can't make jokes,
- but that's funny, right? - Not really.
I mean, those pictures are there to reassure the patients.
I can't believe this! My picture's been changed in every single room.
I mean, what the hell! If I wanted my patients to be more depressed,
I'd just have them read noobie's latest blog entry!
"Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome?"
Mm!
- Why would anyone do this to me? - It's a mystery's what it is.
I'm never surprised by what people will do. Or, for that matter...
- ... who they will do. - I'm outta here!
Bathroom break.
Turk, don't go.
Oh, you're right there, listening to my every move, aren't you?
A small child vomited downstairs. It smells like pickles and milk.
Sort of like one of Enid's burps. Consider it a chance for you to prove yourself.
Yes sir. In fact it-Wait up! Let's work together.
I'll tell you about my favorite stain. Let's turn this corner!
Oh, you're good.
Guys, I think I figured out what happened to Brian.
This letter from the army says his injuries are too severe to let him back into service.
The army is his life.
He didn't take too many pills by accident.
- He's tried to commit suicide. - We can't discharge him.
We gotta get him one of the shrinks.
The only way we can make him stay here is if he admits that he did it.
Yeah, well, I didn't do it.
It's like you said earlier. I must have mixed up my prescriptions.
and taken too many of one.
- How long have you been awake? - Long enough to know that you need to fart.
and Carla is not funny,
- and JD's imitation of a black guy is really racist. - He be trippin'?
Brian, this is just a sad back. You can't let it take you to such a bad place.
Aah!. Not a bad place.
But if I were, it'd be understandable, right?
Cause, what the hell do I have to live for?
I mean, the only thing waiting for me in my crappy apartment is
this whole disability chat to remind me
that the only place that I ever felt like I really belonged doesn't want me anymore.
But no worry. I'm sure there's a huge demand out there
for a high school grad who can't sign his name
and gets confused by stuff that won't phase a five year old.
There is no happy future for me, so please, do not tell me it's all gonna turn around.
Nobody's leavin'this room until you admit to us what you did.
Why should I admit anything to you since you guys aren't, uhm...
...that truthful one to each other
Sometimes to get the truth out of someone, you have to come clean yourself.
Dr. Cox, I'm the one who switched your picture.
Carla!
- I slept with Stacy. - I knew it!
Of course some admissions you don't see coming.
I once tried to kill myself.
After Elliot told us that she attempted suicide,
I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
Was that because I broke up with you?
- No, JD. - Oh, good, good, good, good!
I'm not even sure why I did it.
These things just catch up with you, you know, you get lonely, not happy
- with what's happening in your life... - An amazing guy breaks up with you...
JD, this is not about you! I was sixteen!
So how'd you tried it?
- Brian! - Please, you 're dying to know!
-Do I?! I'm not-- - Carla, it's fine!
I was on the poetry back then,
you know, Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf...I know, shocker, huh?!
All they both kill themselves.
Plath stuck her head in the oven
but that was not an option for me, because everytime my head gets hot
I need to pee and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine.
Not again, not after the prom fiasco.
If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself,
I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here.
So, I decided to do like Virginia Woolf, I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself.
Cut a parley on a saturday,
- put on my bikini.. - Wow, why would you wear a bikini?
Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Punjadi's car.
That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it...anyhow,
...I swam up to the middle of the lake, and I couldn't bring to myself to go under
so I just started, you know, floating around...
...waiting to get tired, and then, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM,
I got hit in the head by four whores as our school's ralling team passed by.
and then they just... picked me out of the lake and took me home.
Oh no, Turk, I know that look, don't you dare to while Elliot is baring her soul.
Oh baby, the pressure is building, no one on Earth is this uncomfortable.
Oh, no! I have to pee!
Come on, fight it man, think about something else, take your mind of it.
Here we go, uh! It passed...and that's a big bowl of swishy liquid. Damn it!
Look, Elliot, I appreciate what you trying to do
but none of you guys has any idea what is like to feel this hopeless in your life.
- You know other than JD. * People agree with Brian *
- Wait, wait! What's happening? - Go, Brian, I know exactly how you're feeling,
you should have seen me when I was dealing with post partum depression,
I just wanted out!
I'm so glad that I didn't do anything because I got on antidepressives
- and now I don't feel that way. - That's right!
And my baby being happy is worth all the vaginal dryness in the world.
And none of us would ever look at Carla the same way again.
How long can he stay in there?
I don't need anithing since I stole that hobo's pecan pie.
Come on, buddy! Get it together!
How you doing? The name is Roger Dorsey.
That's not real, I'm starting to lose it.
How do you know I'm not real?
Well, for one thing, you're just using my voice,
only slightly higher, like this: "How you doing buddy?"
Oh yeah? If I wasn't real, could I hit this note?
* Fish hits an high note *
That was lovely!
We all have those bleed moments when we swear we'll never bounce back...
Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with I look that I'd never seen
she said "It's over Turk, Micheal Jordan's career is over."
- Is anyone a bigger idiot than you? - Is he the black golfer?
My point is we don't know what the future holds.
Yeah, well, I know what my future holds, if I hold this fart in any longer!
I wonder what would happen.
- Fine. Let me move out the way! - And everybody clear back!
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If only I had a satellite I could have ridden you.
Never seen 'em alive, were they good?
If you are wondering why I'm wearing these...
...It's partly because at the Kelso family Christmas we all pick one name
out of the hat to buy a gift for, and I was lucky enough
to be chosen by my son Harrison's new life partner RayRay.
The other reason is that my work shoes
are coated in the taddler vomit I told you to clean up earlier.
Now, are you going to get on it or am I dogging your pay?
You do what you have to do sir, Roger Dorsey and are seeing this thing till finish.
Roger Dorsey was my squad leader Vietnam, he died in my arms.
Tell Bob I love him.
Guys, it's been really great to sharing, really, but, I... I gotta get dressed.
You win. I see your point. Here is the name of a really good...
- ...therapist. - Look, I know,
uhm, you think I owe it to myself?
Please! Who cares about you?
Never mind the fact that we've been busting our asses
trying to take care of you every day for the last three weeks.
I mean, for God's sake, if I've known back then
that you were just gonna go ahead and give up, I would have saved myself a huge hassle,
smothered you with a pillow and spent all my extra time catching up
on Noobie's pathetic blog.
Oh, my God, he referenced me in a tough love speech. Stop smiling!
So, no, Brian, no! You don't owe anything to yourself, but...
you damn sure owe to each one of us.
All right, then.
I'll call him.
Brrrr! Ahhhh! Damn crap! Auch, auh, auh, auh!
You think that's funny? Making me kill that helpless little animal?
If you didn't wanna hold it for me you could have put it on the counter.
Me? No! You, you were... I tried... I hadn't...
Rayray? I started to...
It's so cold!
Roger? Rog? Stay with me buddy!
This isn't now. Go get me some water.
Now, when Brian had turned the corner allowed us had to get back to our own present issues.
I can't believe you are pissed about Stacy. If I could go back in time
- and I'd sleep with her... I would! - Well, unfortunately she's dead, Turk!
Congratulations! You win again.
I don't care what you say, I'm as funny as anybody else in this place.
Uhaahhh!
That was actually pretty good!
Hey Brian, wait up.
You accidentally left that shrink's phone number in...
- your room's trash can. - Uhm, whoops, okay.
You gonna stop finding all my notes.
You know what really helped me when I went through this?
Elliot, you didn't go through this!
You went for a leisurely afternoon drown and you got hit in the face with a paddle.
I spent my entire childhood as an awkward lonely outcast.
With a floody mum who liked to talk about how fat I was.
I had zero self-esteem. I struggled with that for years. I still do.
But the only difference between the two of us,
is that I was smart enough to know that it's never too late to come back from.
- I can't be what I used to be. - I don't even know that guy.
I know this guy, and I like him.
Ok, let me ask you something.
I keep working on my rehab, and I get my act together.
You think someone like you could go for someone like me?
Yeah!
If you are ever single, I' m looking you up.
I hope you do.
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