(alarm beeps) (lucy) I finally figured out
The key to getting everything done at medical school--
Do a bunch of thgs at once and never sleep. Hey, dad. Don't have a lot of time for our daily update,
But here goes-- school's hard, dorm's gross,
Not really dating, but I am having my lady needs
Tended to by a handsome young stallion.
(laughs)
Wow. Just remembered who I'm talking to.
Sorry, dad. But since it's out there,
Hot damn, I am in the middle
Of a real sexual awakening right now. Hmm?
Yeah, that's about enough for me today, too.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Baby, what's up? It's 5:30.
I have 9,000 things to do. Go back to sleep.
Girl, once you wake up the troops,
You gotta storm the beach.
You know what? You are actually on my "to-do" list.
Yeah.
The iliohypogastric and ilioinguinal nerves
Innervate the groin region.
God, I'm great at study-walking.
Oh, good. Dr. Turk.
I scanned those slides for your lung lecture.
I e-mailed them to you. Did you get a chance to check 'em?
He's gone, lucy. He's gone.
Yesterday was dr. Dorian's last day.
Dr. Turk was taking it pretty hard.
He done gone to zion.
What?
Hey, turk.
Okay, this is why pregnancy sucks.
Your stupid name took my head right to "turkey," because I
Have been craving the hell out of thanksgiving food all week.
This morning I actually pounded a jar of cranberry sauce
And me dry stuffing.
It was like a holiday, only much, much sadder. You want to talk about sad--
I spent the whole morning moping around 'cause j.D. Wasn't here.
It took me about an hour to get out of it. Oh, he said to say he misses you.
He did?
Yeah.
(exhales deeply)
It's okay. It's okay.
He reacted the same way when he got your muffin basket.
Look, turk, I know that you're hurting, but you're gonna find
Someone else here to ride the eagle with.
Elliot, you don't ride the eagle. You eagle.
You choose "toe or thumb?" you join "fight club with pillows."
You and j.D. Had a pillow fight club? The first rule of pillow fight club--you don't talk--
Yeah, I get it. No, I don't think you do. Elliot.
Elliot, please don't say anything. Hey, turkleton.
I know what it's like to lose a friend.
I lost my good buddy steve back in korea.
Sir, that was a horrible war. Yes, it was, but I'm talking about
A family trip we tookto the '88.
I suggested a wife swap to steve,
And things got pretty weird.
Yes, it was an amazing night,
But was it worth it to lose a good friend over?
Probably.
Great effort in the sack last night.
Just remember, when I say, "I hate you. Don't touch me,"
It's not about you. It's about all men.
Cool. Crap, I'm a be late for class.
Drew, wait. There's something I have to tell you--
I'm late, too.
You missed your...
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
(laughs)
I'm kidding. Your face looks so dumb right now.
Why would you do that to me? I'm bored.
You're lucky I vibe on crazy.
I hate you. Don't touch me. Fair enough.
At patients with pancreatic disorders.
Shh.
Hey, drew. Glad you could make it.
Sorry I'm late. You should be sorry as I'm giving all of you murderers
The honor of shadowing me today. There is no penalty forthcoming,
However, as it is an optional exercise.
Optional? Hey, man, I gotta cruise.
Bunch of crap to do. You--you cool here?
Now just a second. You're leaving?
Well, what the heck am I supposed to do?
How will the hospital get by, for god sake?
(mutters) shut it down. (electricity powers down)
Everyone, shut it down. It's over. (machine beeping erratically)
Stop saving lives. (laughs) man, you crack me up.
Ugh. (electricity powers up)
Uh, but for reals, I tta split.
I met this old cat upstairs
Who's got really painful glaucoma.
(singsongy) translation-- crazy-ass government product.
(normal voice) yeah, we'll probably hang out,
Maybe watch some "benson" reruns.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Number one, remind me again why I can't kill him.
His daddy built the hospital. Fair enough.
All of you remain where you are for a moment.
I'm going to punch through a wall.
(thud)
Maureen, I e-mailed you
Your bachelorette pictures this morning.
I would have put them in the regular mail,
But I think we could get arrested.
Okay, class, I want to thank ms. Bennett
For her help on this presentation. Thank you!
Not really a stand-and-wave moment. Here we go.
What do you mean they're not the bachelorette photos?
All right, people, we'll start
With advanced mesothelioma of the lung. (click)
(students laugh)
Now that's not a lung. Dr. Turk, please--
No, lucy, I think this could be what we call a teachable moment.
Next up should be
Pulmonary fibrosis.
(students laugh)
That ain't pulmonary fibrosis.
That's a woman nibbling on some panties.
(click) looks like the night took a dark turn, people.
Let's see what's next. Oh, she's back!
Back in action! (click)
Oh! (man) ooh.
You can't do stuff like that to strangers, woman.
It's not right. Know. I'm sorry.
He's a human being, lucy.
He got 9 bucks, okay? I made it rain. Move on.
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You all right?
It was a rough surgerydon't think the guy's gonna make it.
Oh, that stinks.
Yeah. This is when I really miss j.D.
You know, at work, he'd see me like this
And then try and pick me up.
Then I'd point to that doctor over there and I'd say,
"who does that look like to you?" and he'd say... Who?
A japanese laura dern. How do you not see that?
I can't believe you get to see j.D. Naked.
That was weird.
That's okay. That's okay, turk.
I can do this with you. See that nurse over there?
She looks like a mexican carrie scott.
Who?
Childhood friend.
Yeah, she, uh, joined a cult and disappeared when she was 16.
Oh, my god. That could actually be her if she got really tan.
Carrie! Carrie scott!
No, not her.
Police are right. She's probably dead.
What were we talking about? I don't remember.
This morning was such a disaster.
Maybe my problem is that I've been trying to do too much.
Mm, I decided to do some optional shadowing of dr. Cox
To get my mind off it. Dr. Cox, may I ask you a question?
Do you see that shadow?
Over there? Do you see how it's just quietly standing
Against the wall, not askingnane questions
That make me crave the sweet taste a hollow-point bullet?
That's you-- a dumb, quiet shadow.
Act like it. You know why you should ignore him?
Let's just forget for a second
That you sprained your wrist punching a wall. Oh, I can explain that. I hate someone.
Miss simmo' platelets are low,
So I don't really think heparin's a good idea. I'd never met dr. Reid, but she seemed incredible.
She went toe-to-toe with dr. Cox.
But the bottom line is-- I admitted her, so she's mine.
Fair enough. She's yours.
Thank you. Hmm.
She was amazing with her patients...
You're gonna be just fine, kate. We'll get the blood work back
And then run a simple test called a bronchoscopy.
She was a loving wife...
J.D., what's wrong?
Yes, sweetie, turk misses you, too.
What?
I don't--he's wearing scru.
His green ones.
And she did it all while being pregnant.
Can you hand me that bedpan? Thank you.
(vomits and coughs)
Oh, yeah. Much better. Take that. Who are you
And why are you following me around and staring at me?
I'm lucy. I'm a med student. Be cool, lucy. Be cool.
And I just have to say, you have the spirit of a noble warrior,
Which is not to say that you're not incredibly feminine,
Because clearly you are.
I mean, you're, like, stupid, frickin' pregnant,
But also so skinny.
I mean, come on. You're like a snake that ate a tiny horse.
(laughs) my point is, I'd like to get to know you better.
Oh, so you're crazy. Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's cool. I'm dr. Elliot reid. See you later.
Who's got food? Mama needs a refill! I'm dying here!
All right, class, we're looking for evidence Of disease or abnormality.
Hey, dr. T. I heard one time they opened up a dude's stomach,
And there was a finger inside of it.
I mean, think about it. You're in a lab,
You're a little buzzed, everything's cool.
Then all of a sudden your dead guy's flipping you the bird
With another dude's finger. I mean, what?!
Denise, could you please handle this? I've had a really bad day.
I'd love to.
So... You and me?
We're gonna have a stupid jar.
Every time you say something stupid,
We're gonna put a nickel in that jar.
And when that jar gets nice and full,
We're gonna take it and beat you with it.
Okay?
Dude.
How much fun is she in the sack?
More scary than fun.
Look cole, you gotta dial it down a bit.
School newspaper's coming out next week,
And they're publishing class rankings. I thought you were already number one.
That's just with dr. Cox. These are the real rankings.
Everything counts--grades, participation, grunt work.
Everyone sees. Really?
Yeah. Huh. Hey, it's all good. I don't mind if people know my rank.
Okay, it's like going to the gym.
When you blast it as hard as I do, you want people to notice.
How much you think I bench? I don't know, like--
I don't bench. I do high intensity reps. I'm toned as bal.
What's with the lame writing on your ass?
Is it like a surgeon thing?
No, it's for pork chop day, an old tradition for me and j.D.
We made special pants.
His said "pork" on the back.
That's actually why he had that little sexual harassment thingy.
There's only one left. Do you mind? No, that's all you. I don't even like pork chops.
Hey, look. There's j.D. Where? Where? Did he wear his pants?
Sucka. I lied. I love 'em.
You're a pork chop keyser soze.
Can you believe that? Oh, I do. The chops are awesome.
I pounded down 11 of 'em already, gristle and all.
And I'm a vegetarian, but the baby--carnivore.
Hey, turk.
(sniffs) mmm, it's like christmas morning.
You want to help me get her back? This is what we do--
We fill her car up with pork chops, and when she opens
The door, the pork chops will slide all over the place,
And she'll have to dig a little seat.
I'm talking about a major inconvenience. Okay, you're losing it.
We need to get you a new work buddy, like, today.
Until then, you gotta just chillax, my brother.
Okay, I cannot pull off "my brother," can I? No.
At least I nailed "chillax." No, you didn't.
Dr. Reid, you're so inspiring. Oh, stop.
Go on.
You're totally the kind of doctor I want to be
When I get super old. Compliment took a bit of a left turn there.
I just don't think you realize how awesome it is
For me to see a woman actually doing it, you know?
I just don't think you realize you're a great doctor,
And you've got your life together. You're handling both.
Me--I've got nine texts this minute.
My boyfriend needs me, my dad wants his daily phone call,
My sister maureen is
Freaking out about her bachelorette party.
She has to have sex with her fiancÃ© for the first time
In case the stripper got her pregnant--long story. Oh, sure, sure.
Plus, with all the studying and the schoolwork and-- lucy, you can do it.
You just need to learn how to prioritize.
Uh-oh. (voice breaks) I've been so emotional lately,
And I just pictured you as my little sister,
And I'm starting... To lose it.
Quick. Say something to remind me of how crazy you are.
Um... I ran out of underwear today,
So I wore my bathing suit. Huh. Thanks. All better.
Hey, so you and me got off on the wrong foot.
Nobody's fault. I mean, you put two alpha dogs in a cage,
And there's bound be some barking, right? Woof! Woof!
Yes. Yes, we are exactly alike indeed.
See, you get it. Anyway, I just wanted to talk about my ranking
Before the newsletter comes out.
Spoiler alert-- you're last.
Hey, dr. Cox, please.
If my dad reads I'm at the bottom,
He might lose it and cut me off.
Okay, I know I don't act like it sometimes,
But I really do want to be a doctor. Son, that is the first honest thing you've ever said to me.
Yeah, you know what it's like
To have a miserable, judgmental bastard for a dad?
No. My father was so super sweet thaty entire childhood was
An endless parade of lollipops and hugs. Of course I do.
Look, I can't just move you up in the rankings
Based on nothing, so for the next week,
If I need something done, I'll go to you.
-We'll call it "extra credit." -Great.
In fact, go to bed 12. There is a very, very large sick man
There who needs an alcohol bath all over his entire body. Thank you for the opportunity.
So did he buy the whole newsletter rankings nonsense?
Like an elderly shut-in talking to a telemarketer.
Outstanding. (mutters)
Thank you for meeting me.
So basically I'm looking for a work friend,
Someone to pal around with at the hospital.
I am so ready to take this relationship to the next level,
You know, mentally, physically and emotionally.
I'm sorry, did you just say "physically"?
Weird five. Get there.
If you were on a desert island, what three cds would you bring?
Motorhead, metallica
And the original cast recording of "wicked."
I stage-managed the, uh, midwestern leg of the '05 tour.
And, yes, kristin chenoweth is a delight. (laughs)
Why am I here again?
How's the food? This soup is amazing.
Shut up, frank. We are lucky enough to dine
With an educated physician, and you order soup?
I'm sorry, dr. Turk. I'll send him back for a sandwich,
Something more fitting. Talking about soup.
(slurps)
How you doing,ate? I'm a little nervous.
Is a bronchoscopy gonna hurt? There'll be a little discomfort afterwards,
But you'll be under for the procedure,
And the whole thing will be over in an hour. And you'll be here when I wake up?
Yeah, of course. Isn't she the best?
I think we're all searching for something.
Sometimes it's a replacement for the irreplaceable...
Lookit, gandhi, if you expect me to go all the way,
You gotta step up your game a little bit here, pal.
Maybe take me out to a nice dinner,
Introduce me to some of your friends. You're not taking this seriously, are you?
Not even a little, and not just because I want nothing to do
With dorian's sloppy seconds. Work sucks.
You, however, have been lucky enough to have worked
With your very best friend for eight years.
That will never, ever happen again.
Other times it's just a hard-to-reach spot
On a fat guy's back.
(groans)
Oh, no.
Dude, a little help?
Oh, isn't it terrible?
Mm, awful. Mm.
(groans)
So ms. Simmons is gonna wake up in a while.
Can I hang out with you while you sit with her?
Lucky for me, I found what I was looking for...
Please. I'm going home.
And she was a lying, selfish jerk.
Morning, sunshine. You look rested.
Wow, and making time for the paper, too.
That must be nice. Later, you munch.
Did she just call me "buttmunch"?
Well, she didn't use the word "butt," though I can't think
Of any other prominent type of "munch." so, yeah, I think
She called you a "buttmunch." I'm drew, by the way.
So I said to the lady, "where can a well-hung marine
Buy a pair of shoes around here?" (laughs)
(laughs) I don't even know what that is.
Turkleton, those days are gone.
Dr. Kelso, really? Please tell me
You're not another one of dr. Turk's gentleman suitors.
I am indeed. I think it will be great to have a black friend
To help me out with the sisters.
Get my swirl on. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Mm!
Holy crap. That totally looks like a korean helen hunt.
No, that's a japanese laura dern.
No, it's not. I'm gonna get my picture with her.
Oh, yeah? Ah?
Well--well, tell her I loved her inapanese "jurassic park"!
Hey, you came here with me. Why you talking to her?
No, I'm still here with you. (mutters) what the hell am I doing?
I always end up in relationships like this.
For once, get out with some dignity, bob.
Don't ever call me again.
No, it's okay.
Hey, crazy swimsuit girl.
What are you doing? Volunteering at physical therapy.
I'm stretching mr. Biegel's hamstring. Stop. He'll be fine.
How do you know? He works in the gift shop.
You get what you can get. Please leave.
The baby isn't mine, is it? Get out, kevin.
Question--when you called me "munch," were you referring
To richard belzer's beloved detective character
First established on "homicide"
But best known from "law & order: S.V.U."?
Crime procedurals soothe the baby.
Luckily, there is a different one on every nine seconds.
You walked out on ms. Simmons when she needed you.
I to stay with her all night. She faked out. She did?
Can I get you anything?
(funk music playing) (mouths words)
Yeah. (scoffs)
It got real in there, big-time.
Plus, I got no sleep and I had so much do this morning,
I had to do my dad phone call
While having sex with my boyfriend.
So many things wrong with that, not the least of which
Is the fact that it's the most turned on I've ever been. No filter, huh?
Nope. Lucy, there was a hospital
Full of residents and nurses here last night.
If there was a problem with ms. Simmons,
I would have been called. Stop making excuses.
You know, I thought you could do everything,
But I guess it just seems that way
Because you half-ass it with your patients. (gasps) come with me.
Hey, dr. Cox. I just finished cleaning that guy's foot ulcer.
How'd that go for you? Not gonna lie, I yakked on his face.
Otherwise... (singsongy) crushed it.
(normal voice) what else can I do?
Actually, drew here was about to assist me with something.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I got it. What's the job? Sorry, charlie, this is my deal.
No, you know what, drew? Cole's been really stepping up,
Showing some promise. I'm gonna let him do this one.
Room 32. I want you to do a manual rectal disimpactation.
Mr. Hanson is very constipated.
You will fix that...
With your hands.
(whispers) oh, lucky!
(flatly) yay.
"sorry, charlie"?
I thought it was brilliant. Eh.
Mr. Valadez is gonna need another surgery, huh?
Yep. I don't think he's gonna be able to take it.
That totally sucks.
Um...
If you want, uh, today's eileen in radiology's birthday,
And I was gonna go up there and just steal her cake.
I hate eileen in radiology.
I'm definitely in.
She's so nice, it makes me want to cut her throat. I know, right?
I was thinking, after that, maybe we could stop on three
And then I'd show you the nurse that looks like-- looks like nigerian kelly ripa?
Thank you!
Lucy, ms. Simmons needs a new I.V. Placed.
Let's say, uh, you take a shot at it.
Yeah...
I, um...
Your hands are a little shaky there. I'm jacked up on 17 cups of coffee
Because I haven't slept a lot lately and my head is sweating.
But I'll be fine.
(gasps) don't you think you should disinfect the area?
Good catch, kate. What do you think, lucy--
Should we wipe away all the deadly bacteria
Or just do this civil-war style?
I really shouldn't be doing this.
No, you shouldn't.
(whispers) one second.
Once again, a giant swing and a miss for lucy bennett.
What's wrong with me?
Lucy, when I got pregnant, I learned two things--
Ketchup on cereal is delicious,
And sometimes you have to be selfish.
That's why I went home last night.
I mean, finally I have something inside me
Forcing me to take care of myself. See, I'm like you.
I probably ended up in medicine
Because I want to try to take care of the whole world.
But here's the crazy thing about being a doctor--
You can't even take care of one single patient
Unless you learn how to take ce of yourself first.
So tell your dad you can't talk every day,
Have your boyfriend grab a cold shower every once in a while,
Stop doing slides for dr. Turk
And let your sister mess up her own life.
That's the key to being a good doctor--
You first, then the world. Now go home and get some sleep.
I guess there are lots of ways to get by in a hospital.
You can just try to suck it up... Ugh.
Or find someone to make the day-to-day hell bearable.
(mouth full) mmm. Mmm. (mouth full) mmm. Get the middle.
For me, it was just about learning who comes first.
(cell phone rings)
(beep)
Ahh, snoops!
(singsongy) ole king cole is in the house!
(normal voice) hey, did everybody see the newsletter?
Check it out.
Number one--aaronson, cole.
Isn't that just an alphabetized list
Of all the students in our class? Yep.
You gonna tell him? I haven't decided.
Oh, too bad, bennett, lucy.
(laughs) what happened, suffin?
You're, like, two-thirds of the way down this thing.
That is rough! I don't know, but congratulations.
Yep, old double-a aaronson nailed it again.
You suck, zimmerman!
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