1 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,331 I'll rip your dick off, you son of a bitch! 2 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,726 My eye! 3 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:14,647 On behalf of the entire Disrupt conference, 4 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:19,442 I would like to apologize for what happened out there this afternoon. 5 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,530 This man will never be asked to judge again. 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,929 I've just learned he's been, uh, fired from Oracle, 7 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,525 and apparently his wife left him. 8 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:32,363 Anyway, I just got a call from your attorney, Mr. LaFlamme, 9 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:37,731 informing me that in his view, this incident is actionable. 10 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,965 Uh, and in addition to holding TechCrunch liable for any damages, 11 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,008 which may include the loss to Pied Piper 12 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,721 of potentially billions in revenue and share value, uh, 13 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:52,442 he may be naming me personally in a lawsuit. 14 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:57,727 So, I would like to propose that we, uh, put this incident behind us, 15 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:03,125 legally speaking, uh, by sending Pied Piper directly through to the finals 16 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:07,603 of Startup Battlefield, where you will compete for the grand prize. 17 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,248 - How does that sound? - I think that's... 18 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:15,008 One question, uh, regarding our hotel accommodations? 19 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,251 Barn! Am I right, guys? 20 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,805 I was just happy you got punched in the face, Erlich, 21 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,566 but now I'm super happy. I feel like I won twice. 22 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,842 I'm gonna disrupt this bathroom. 23 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,289 I don't think this couch pulls out. I guess I'll get myself a roll-away bed. 24 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:44,321 I mean, you're welcome, guys. I had to fuck a wife and take a punch, 25 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,721 but now we get to go into the finals tomorrow 26 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,848 without having blown our wad in the prelims. 27 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,966 We're trending up, boys. We are trending up. 28 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,247 Maybe you're right. But, uh, we should probably 29 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,721 get back down there and check out the competition. 30 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,209 - Ladies and gentlemen, Gavin Belson. 31 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,727 No matter what you may have heard, size matters. 32 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:11,041 Welcome, everyone, to a journey into the Nucleus. 33 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,360 I hope this sucks. 34 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,046 Nucleus will provide the most diverse features 35 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,726 ever assembled in a cloud-based compression suite. 36 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,043 Massive functionality, inter-connectivity, 37 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,403 and the simplicity one has come to expect from the Hooli family. 38 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:28,883 We're making all your files available for lightning-fast download. 39 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,969 Accessible from any device. 40 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:35,484 AH these features will be seamlessly synced to Hooli-mail, 41 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:39,770 Hooli-search and the full suite of Hooli computing power. 42 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,649 That's a lot of functionality. 43 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,401 Don't worry, he can't come close to our Weissman score. 44 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:48,167 Even with all this extra shit, it's like a fancy car with a crappy engine. 45 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,527 And now, for the moment of truth. 46 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:56,927 As you will now see, our Weissman score is the best in the history of compression. 47 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:00,487 What the fuck? 48 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,528 That's exactly the same score as us. 49 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,446 2.89. That is not an error. 50 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:12,086 We are breathing rare air here, operating at the limit for lossless compression 51 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,961 in audio, video and data. 52 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:20,048 Anyone who tells you that their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers. 53 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,401 I hope you've enjoyed your journey into the Nucleus. 54 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:28,442 We have the speed. We have the features. And we have... 55 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:29,561 Shakira! 56 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,365 Hola, TechCrunch! 57 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,561 I mean, they just completely 58 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,484 reverse-engineered our entire compression engine. 59 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,130 He totally sniped us. 60 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,010 - We'll be fine. - What? 61 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,643 They judge this contest on viability in the marketplace. 62 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,402 I mean, at best, we're a worse version of Nucleus. 63 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,047 I mean, they have 50 modules, and they're all awesome. 64 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,770 We have five that barely work. 65 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,765 I mean, we're still having trouble compressing 3-D files. Who's lining up to buy that? 66 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,251 Who the fuck cares? 67 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:18,644 So the platform can't handle 3-D files. You know what, 3-D movies suck anyway. 68 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,650 I could actually argue this Gavin nonsense is a positive. 69 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:22,721 Please don't. 70 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,007 We just need to really dial it up for the big show tomorrow. 71 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:26,684 Dial what up? He just ruined us. 72 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,128 And until then, we need to do what any animal in nature does when it's cornered, 73 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,568 act erratically, and blindly lash out at everything around us. 74 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,210 I'm gonna go get in Gavin's head. 75 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:39,451 Hey, guys, I just had a thought. Okay, so this is it, right? 76 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,808 A lot of successful start-ups launched with a different business model, 77 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,804 and when they ran into trouble, they pivoted to something new, right? 78 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,771 Like lnstagram. That was a location-based check-in service when it started, 79 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:50,887 and then they pivoted. 80 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,520 Or Chatroulette, okay, that was social media, 81 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,685 and then they pivoted to become a playground for the sexually monstrous. 82 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,488 We just need a new idea, something that people want. Right? We can pivot, too. 83 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,601 - Dude, you are fucked up right now. - Yeah, you're pinning bad. 84 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,330 Well, I'll admit, I'm sleep-challenged. 85 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,483 I just spent four days trapped in a steel box out on an oil rig 86 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,050 full of robot-forklifts. 87 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,441 So, that was hard, but I'm back. 88 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:18,809 I am recovering and I am focused and we're gonna pivot. Don't lose faith, guys. 89 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,167 All right, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. 90 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,720 We've got a great name. We've got a great team. 91 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,246 We've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. 92 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,925 Now we just need an idea. 93 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,560 Let's pivot! Let's pivot! 94 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,602 That might be the last time we see him alive. 95 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,843 Ah, I think I'm just gonna take a walk and, you know, try and clear my head. 96 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:44,767 I'll see you guys back at the hotel room and we'll figure out what to do. 97 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,445 We're going to be poor. 98 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:53,810 Hi! I'd like to talk to you about a company called Pied Piper. 99 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:55,450 What does it do? Good question. 100 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,170 Maybe you can help us find an answer. 101 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,406 What if Pied Piper was an app that could attract rodents? 102 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,925 You know, like the fairy tale? 103 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,368 For purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake. 104 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,284 We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats, 105 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,522 we're here to get you rats, stat. 106 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,928 Would you be very interested, somewhat interested or not interested? 107 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,721 Which one? Which one? Which one? 108 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:25,765 Look at them, all full of hope. Pricks. 109 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,321 Oh, look, Kwerpy's here recruiting. 110 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:33,248 They just got 20 million in Series A at a $280 million dollar valuation. 111 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,721 - Wow. - That could have been us. 112 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,482 It's too bad we already have jobs, we could easily go work there. 113 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,165 Yeah. 114 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,800 It'd be a real dickhead move to bail on Richard now, right? 115 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,850 I mean, before we officially go under. 116 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,489 - Yeah. Yeah. Total dickhead move. - Yeah. Yeah. 117 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,690 Yeah, even though it is just a matter of days. 118 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,685 - And we are so close. - I mean, he is standing right there. 119 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,329 - But I'm not a dickhead. - No. Neither am I. 120 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,840 Yep, just a couple of non-dickheads. 121 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,086 My dick and my head, totally separate. 122 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,925 You've heard the phrase, "Time to pay the piper," right? 123 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,287 What if there was an app called Pied Piper that could tell you, 124 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:19,160 to a statistical degree of certainty, whether you were going to heaven or hell? 125 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,604 Very interested, somewhat interested, not interested? 126 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,045 Which one? Which one? Which one? 127 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,646 So you made some really over-the-top promises about Nucleus. 128 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,569 - Can you deliver? - Absolutely. 129 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:36,170 For me, Kara, goodness, greatness, these are not simply catchphrases, 130 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,527 but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning. 131 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,888 Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response! 132 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,009 I can speak for myself. Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper. 133 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,208 Was I brutally assaulted? Yes. 134 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,364 Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear. 135 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:55,367 All I know is that the rumor that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven. 136 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,210 - Wait, what rumor? - Thank you. 137 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,601 Why would Gavin have anything to do with this? 138 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:04,811 Unless he had some reason to be frightened by Pied Piper and its superior technology? 139 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:09,364 This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated. 140 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,842 Okay, the alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work, 141 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,891 the impending crash of Hooli's stock... 142 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,604 This is the most ridiculous... 143 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,604 Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details, 144 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,485 with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar? 145 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,325 Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you. 146 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,041 Care to comment? 147 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,320 Let's keep moving, shall we? 148 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,085 Yes, let's all keep moving. Let's move on from this. 149 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,046 I forgive you, Gavin. No matter how brutally I was assaulted. 150 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,286 Wow, Pied Piper sounds like a great place to work. 151 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,441 Oh, yeah, it is. 152 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,762 Pied Piper is the best, right? 153 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,770 Oh, my God, every day feels like I've died and gone to hell. 154 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,161 I'm sorry. 155 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,083 - He's a Satanist, so it's good. - Mmm-hmm. 156 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,050 - Oh, fun. - The point is, we love our company, 157 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,724 and I don't have a problem saying that out loud. 158 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,131 - You... - Love it 159 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,441 We both say it out loud and I think that fact, 160 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,801 proves that we're not dickheads. 161 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,962 So what we wanted to ask you was... 162 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,121 Guys? 163 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,563 Totally between us, our beta crapped out. 164 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,609 The VCs did a full claw back and our Series A is DOA. 165 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:22,083 We're going down. We have enough runway for maybe two, three weeks max. 166 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:23,801 So... 167 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,930 Do you guys think you could hire me? 168 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:37,044 How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper, 169 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,804 tracking the location of your child? 170 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,610 I can follow your child anywhere, 171 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,728 and there is nothing you can do to stop me. 172 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,527 Most missing children are never found. 173 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,161 Interested, very interested, or very interested? 174 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,443 Richard. Hi... 175 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,251 - Hey... Uh, suitcase. Yeah. - Yeah. 176 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,084 So you're, uh... 177 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:00,720 Peter called. 178 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,441 - He saw Erlich's presentation, such as it was. - Ah. 179 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,851 And Gavin's. 180 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,969 So he wants me to go back to Palo Alto. 181 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,051 There's just a few other things that he wants me working on. 182 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,880 Now that we're, you know, dead in the water. 183 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,602 Listen, I'm sorry you walked away from the money like you did. 184 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,802 But I swear I only wanted Peter to seed you 185 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,000 because I thought that you had a really great company. 186 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,884 - Mmm. - It just didn't work out for you this time. 187 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,530 Uh... Can I be honest with you? 188 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:31,286 I haven't had more than two straight hours of sleep in months. 189 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,562 I've had a cold for, like, a year. 190 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,611 My stomach cramps up so much I feel like I'm menstruating. 191 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,006 Maybe this is for the better. 192 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,007 Look, I gotta go. Um... 193 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,806 I'm really sorry that we're not gonna be working together anymore. 194 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,530 Yeah, me too. 195 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,489 I guess... I guess we won't see each other again. 196 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,522 Well, I mean, now that the rules about socializing with coworkers 197 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,286 aren't in effect anymore, let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime. 198 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,129 What, like a "drink"? A "drink-drink"? 199 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,400 You go on dates with failures? 200 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,687 - Constantly. - Okay. 201 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:10,921 Uh... 202 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,367 - Bye. Okay. - Bye. 203 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,970 You have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time? 204 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,047 - Why, yes. Yes, I do. - Huh. 205 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:24,761 Let's go. 206 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,643 Adderall. This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours? 207 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,963 No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house. 208 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,366 Yeah, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me. 209 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,364 That's a kind invitation, but I have too much to do. I'm pivoting! 210 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,608 - Let's go now! - No. I'm pivoting! I'm pivoting! 211 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:42,721 I'm pivoting! 212 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,202 I mean, what do we even present tomorrow? 213 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,691 Honestly, anyone? 214 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,250 Why do we have to present at all? 215 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,641 What's that supposed to mean? 216 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,245 If we are going to fail and be humiliated, 217 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,403 why do it on stage in front of 1,000 people and a live-streamed audience? 218 00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,603 Are you saying we shouldn't even show up? 219 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,088 No offense, but it's basically going to be a public execution. 220 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,487 Yes, and public executions are very popular. 221 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,291 It's show business. We are not quitting, Richard. 222 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,723 Look, Erlich, I want to present, I do, it's just... 223 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,529 I don't know. 224 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,129 Jesus, are you okay? 225 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,771 What? Yeah, I... Okay. 226 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,524 Yeah, all good. They let me go. 227 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,406 - Who let you go? - When was the last time you slept, Jared? 228 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,131 Yeah, absolutely, David. 229 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,840 What are we talking about, gents? 230 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,850 We're talking about how I didn't get to present in the prelims, 231 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,888 because I was too busy getting my face pummeled 232 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,450 so that our team could move forward. 233 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,124 That's why we're presenting tomorrow. 234 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,322 And you know what? We're going to win. 235 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,485 Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off 236 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:47,846 every guy in the audience. 237 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:49,930 That's a lot of jerking. 238 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,605 And we only have 10 minutes to present. So... 239 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,441 So, we're fucked, aren't we? 240 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,804 Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room? 241 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,929 So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is. 242 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,929 - The what? - Mean jerk-time. 243 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,207 I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically, 244 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,568 time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate. 245 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,767 Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half. 246 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,411 How would he do four guys... 247 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,211 He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right? 248 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,881 Look, you have two guys on either side with their dicks, tip to tip, 249 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,362 so you're going full-length. Four, see? 250 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:30,441 Oh... 251 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,449 From the middle out. That does make sense. 252 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,520 Like two Shake Weights? 253 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,847 Yeah, so what we're trying to do, hypothetically, 254 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,487 is minimize time, which is 800 dudes, 255 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:43,326 multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four dicks at a time. 256 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:47,769 Of course, Erlich would have to pre-sort guys by height, so that their dicks lined up. 257 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,365 Not by height, technically. 258 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:53,007 The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick-to-floor. 259 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,682 - Call that D2F. - Huh. 260 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,366 Oh, my God. 261 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,767 You know, if a guy's dick was long enough, 262 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,890 it would be able to reach up or down to another guy with a different D2F. 263 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,487 The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge, 264 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,451 but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion. 265 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,410 I would just have to jerk it on an angle. 266 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,801 So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2, 267 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,121 and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4, 268 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:23,240 where length, L, creates a complementary shaft angle. 269 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,651 Call that theta D. 270 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,440 - Now, the orgasm threshold... - Holy shit. Oh, my God. 271 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,489 I'm such an idiot. Middle out! 272 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,809 Middle out! Middle out! Oh, my God. 273 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,211 HOW could I... 274 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,810 Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability 275 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,486 to jerk different dicks simultaneously? 276 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,603 Shit. Yeah, I think it would. 277 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:06,561 Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T20, 278 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,809 has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks, 279 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,880 otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted. 280 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:16,369 Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in. 281 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,480 So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy. 282 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,325 Even so. I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina. 283 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:26,924 Guys? Richard's been locked in here for almost two hours. Do we think he's okay? 284 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,330 Hmm, you don't think he'd... 285 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:30,686 He did seem pretty bummed out. 286 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:11,607 All right, guys, let's go. 287 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,284 - The finals are starting. - Up! 288 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:14,407 Gilfoyle! 289 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,007 Jesus! 290 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,161 What happened to the door? 291 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,163 Don't worry about it, Richard. Ls the platform up and running? 292 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,164 I made a few changes, but yeah... 293 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,164 Okay, tell me on the walk. All right, you dildos, let's go! 294 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,847 All right, talk to me, Richard. What were you working on last night? 295 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,763 Well, uh, I might've made a breakthrough. 296 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,161 Really, so everything is working? 297 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,884 Uh, technically, no. 298 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,604 Let's face it, ladies, is there anything less sexy 299 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,480 than when a user's visualization UX is completely sub-optimal? 300 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,802 I mean, it's the worst, right? 301 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,121 So we've gone through all the research and all the steps. 302 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,960 We have a solution for these problems and Zenella is ready to bring it to the marketplace. 303 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,168 Yeah, I get it, Richard. You changed a lot. 304 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,969 Now, just give me the basics and I can roll with it. 305 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,565 I need to know what I'm presenting here. 306 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,400 I don't think I have time to explain it all. 307 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,047 What the hell does that mean? 308 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,930 Richard? Is this the right build? I can't find the mobile suite here. 309 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,685 Uh, it is nowhere. I deleted it. 310 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,325 - What? - Here they are. 311 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,444 - Pied Piper's here. - Sorry, we're late. 312 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,126 Richard, talk to me. 313 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,447 I can't front a band without knowing what we're playing? 314 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:48,770 Uh, I think I'm just going to do the presentation myself. 315 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,088 Wait, what? No, no, no, Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard. 316 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,811 Respectfully... Respectfully, you're terrible. 317 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,122 You have a world-class showman standing right in front of you 318 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,361 and you're going to pass on that? 319 00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,966 Release me, Richard. Release the Kraken! 320 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,283 - Pied Piper. You're on. - This is it! 321 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,523 I don't know what you did, Richard, but I hope it works. 322 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:07,601 Me, 1100. 323 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,770 All right, let's welcome our final team to the finals 324 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,128 of this year's TechCrunch Disrupt Startup Battlefield. 325 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,568 - Presenting for Pied Piper is Erlich Bachman. 326 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:26,443 Uh, actually there has been a change of plans. 327 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,967 Presenting for Pied Piper will be Richard Hendricks. 328 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,646 Richard? 329 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,125 Ah, sorry. Got a little light-headed there for a second. 330 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,567 I set 'em up for you, now knock 'em down. 331 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,804 I don't understand. I thought he made the platform better. 332 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,690 - He just deleted everything. - Maybe he moved it to the cloud? 333 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,809 No. All The Carver's work is gone. 334 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:59,726 Pied Piper is a cloud-based compression. Without the cloud, nothing's left. 335 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,768 Uh, gentlemen, this is likely the last 10 minutes 336 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,286 of Pied Piper, so let's enjoy it. 337 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,488 - Has he lost his mind? - He's lost his fucking mind. 338 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,166 Hello... Hello. Hello. 339 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,683 Um, I am... My name is Richard Hendricks, 340 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:17,482 and I am, along with, uh, this guy, him, him, 341 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,801 and another guy that has disappeared, uh... 342 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:24,841 Um... 343 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,571 We are Pied Piper. A compression company. 344 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,210 Well, you know, in your pamphlets 345 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,850 it says that we are a cloud-based 346 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,049 multi-platform solution for user-focused compression. 347 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,642 Uh, and we were. Until yesterday. 348 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:39,963 But now we are not. 349 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,002 Uh, because you see, Hooli 350 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,408 did everything that we were trying to do, uh, better, way better. 351 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:48,926 Um... 352 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:55,084 Nucleus is built on the same engine as ours, like exactly the same, 353 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:59,006 and their Weissman score was 2.89, same as ours. 354 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:03,245 But the thing is, they built a ton of really great stuff up on top of that. 355 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:07,325 And we can't compete, so now we have to be something else. 356 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,802 Um, well-played, Hooli. 357 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:15,569 Uh, okay, so anyway, we all know that the most obvious way 358 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,404 to compress files is with Shannon coding, right? Top down. 359 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,131 Richard, they can't see that, it's too small. 360 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,245 - Okay. - Literally, hundreds of people here. 361 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,446 Oh, no, but I need... 362 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,811 Shit, okay. 363 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:29,921 Um... 364 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,331 Right, oh. 365 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:36,201 Uh, so Shannon coding and then David Huffman came along, 366 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:40,968 and he pioneered bottom-up, and Lempel-Ziv with left-to-right, obviously. 367 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,850 And for decades, we used these codes to compress, 368 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:47,447 you know, JPEGs, MPEGs, MP3s, Zips, all that stuff. 369 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:51,691 Uh, but we all know that, so there's no point in talking about it. 370 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,243 But, uh, what happened was, 371 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:58,530 last night, um, I was watching my friends here have this argument 372 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,327 about, you know, uh, manipulating d... Uh, data. 373 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:08,928 And, you know, how many datas could one guy manipulate at once and... 374 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,765 And I was just... I was thinking. 375 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,560 Uh, maybe it could be another way, you know? 376 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,927 Uh, something that I would call, "middle-out." 377 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:21,605 It's up-and-down, back-and-forth all at the same time going on at once. 378 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,003 Okay, well, anyway, I deleted all our modules last night, 379 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,448 and I completely rebuilt our engine, from scratch last night. 380 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:34,641 Um, now, this morning I really only had enough time to do one test, 381 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:40,124 and when I did, we hit a Weissman score of 3.8. 382 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,801 Now, I know the theoretical limit was 2.9, 383 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:51,842 - but as you can see here... - I'm sorry. You scored a 3.8? 384 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,925 Uh, yes, sir. 385 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,168 And this is a universal lossless compression engine? 386 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,687 - Text? Audio? Video? - Yes, that is correct. 387 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,402 Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your eloquent presentation, Richard. 388 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,849 But, rather than say anything more, why don't we just give you a file 389 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,048 and we'll see whether this thing can do what you say it does. 390 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,886 Because if it can't, then we're done here, right? 391 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:14,645 Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. 392 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,842 So we can give you any kind of file and you can compress it, 393 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:20,447 without degradation, at this standard? Three-eight? 394 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,008 Yes... Yep. 395 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,605 All right, give us a minute, please. 396 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,521 - What do we got? - Does anyone have anything? 397 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,760 - Do you have something? - I've got a file for him. 398 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,646 Okay. Andy Stafford here, has a file for you. 399 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,690 - Okay. - It's 132 gigabytes uncompressed, 400 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,444 and it's a 3-D video file. 401 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:48,560 Okay- 402 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,971 Shit... 403 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,042 - A fucking 3-D file? - Yes. 404 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,930 - Are you fucking kidding me? - God damn it. 405 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,531 - Can we handle this? - I guess we'll find out. 406 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,849 Damn it, I hope this works. 407 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:13,880 Shit, it's hung. 408 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,610 Oh, no. 409 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,250 Is it stuck? 410 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,766 There is a time limit, you have two minutes remaining. 411 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:24,920 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. 412 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,120 It looks like it's done. 413 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,882 Wait, 24 gigs? What happened? 414 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,930 Oh, shit, there's no way. 415 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,965 It didn't compress the whole thing. It should be twice that size. 416 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,567 I mean, 24 gigs, that's less than a fourth the file size. 417 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,569 That seems dubious, Richard. 418 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,128 Why don't we run a Weissman test for verification, see where we went wrong. 419 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,601 Okay, I mean it shouldn't take too long, it only compressed half the fucking file. 420 00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,848 I'm sorry. I shouldn't have rewritten all this code. 421 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,764 I mean, what we had before worked. 422 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,129 I'm sorry, guys. Gavin won. We lost. 423 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:10,201 At least it didn't happen in a public and brutally embarrassing way. 424 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,168 - Thanks, Gilfoyle. - Yeah. 425 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:19,886 Wait a second. What's happening? 426 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,566 There's no errors, look! 427 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,771 - 5.2? How, how... - Wait, what? 428 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,247 - Wait, it compressed the whole file? - Whoa! 429 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,085 That's the whole file. 430 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,771 It's just half the size I thought it would be. 431 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,921 Ladies and gentlemen, obviously we're going to keep looking at this to verify, 432 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,561 but with a confirmed score of 5.2, 433 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:47,850 Pied Piper appears to have just doubled the best Weissman score ever measured. 434 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:48,967 - Doubled it! 435 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:50,724 Pied Piper, ladies and gentlemen! 436 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,649 Let's hear it for them! 437 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,571 Holy shit! 438 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,242 Hey, I'm at TechCrunch. 439 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,324 This kid, Hendricks, and Pied Piper just ran a two-minute mile. 440 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:02,890 We should get on this, now. 441 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,482 Suck it, Gavin Belson! 442 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:09,561 Hendricks, you beautiful bastard! 443 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,410 I told you we'd do it! Come on! 444 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,323 We're not going to be poor! 445 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,205 What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened? 446 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:18,884 Ah, we just won the cup! 447 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:21,281 Whoo! 448 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,729 And I don't think it comes as any shock that the winner of this year's Disrupt Cup 449 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:32,364 and $50,000, like they're going to need it, is Pied Piper. 450 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,410 So Richard wrote the code? 451 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,326 Richard wrote the code, yes, but the inspiration was clear. 452 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:41,921 - Let me ask you something. - Mmm-hmm. 453 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,322 How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? 454 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,121 'Cause I know how long it would take me. 455 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:49,926 And I can prove it. 456 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,570 - Nice. - Thank you so much. 457 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,086 I don't fully understand it but I would definitely like to invest. 458 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,650 - Oh, great. - Really impressed. 459 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,085 I really want to get you in front of my partners. 460 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,964 - Really soon. - Oh, wow. I appreciate that, guys. 461 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,088 Well, hopefully we'll talk to each other soon. 462 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:02,241 - Thanks. - Thanks. 463 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,403 - Hey! - Monica! 464 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,563 Congratulations! You were amazing up there. 465 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,529 - Thank you. - I just spoke with Peter. 466 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:13,685 He watched the live-stream via satellite and said he was "not unpleased." 467 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,604 Oh, yeah, that's great. 468 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,482 Uh, so I guess we're back to working together, huh? 469 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,720 Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. 470 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,848 It's gonna get pretty insane for you, Richard. 471 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,127 - Yeah. - You're going to have more offers of funding 472 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:31,964 - than you're going to know what to do with. - Yeah. 473 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:33,530 You're going to have to grow a business, 474 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:36,490 - hire a staff, rent offices, get an assistant. - Mmm-hmm. 475 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,530 Peter is going to be a lot more hands-on and a lot tougher on you. 476 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,969 People may take credit for your idea and try and sue you. 477 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,924 - How awesome is that? - Ah, yeah, that's awesome. 478 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,122 I mean, if you thought it was crazy getting to this point, 479 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,282 you're not going to believe what it turns into from here. 480 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:51,361 Right. 481 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,442 I mean pretty soon, you could be managing thousands of employees 482 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,329 - who are all looking up to you. - Mmm. 483 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,126 And Gavin Belson, he's not going away anytime soon. 484 00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,929 - Mmm. - But it's going to be amazing. 485 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,725 Excuse me a second. 486 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,124 Oh, Jesus.