[Indistinct chattering]
[Guy] Hey, bro. What's up?
[Clark] Chloe, what the heck is this?
I thought we were coming in to get a coffee.
How could you do this to me?
I didn't know, I swear. I'm sorry, Clark.
No, hey, you're not gonna spend the rest of your life hiding
in the barn either. Let's go.
What is it you always say about Valentine's day? Oh, yeah.
"Our annual sneak peek at hell."
That must have been before cupid struck.
Don't you think after being trapped
in a front seat to the Clark-Lana operetta,
I deserve a good v-day?
You're the only person
who can make me feel guilty, relieved and a little sad...
All in one sentence.
It's a gift. Don't worry, Clark.
Your achy-breaky heart will go away, too, one of these days.
Can you put that in writing?
Just give the Lana thing a little more time.
You never know when the next love of your life is right around the corner.
Oh. Is it really wrong that I want these chubby cherubs
to burst into flames?
The way I see it, Valentine's day is like finding out how babies are born.
- [Lois] What? - Just stay with me.
It's like, it seems so weird and confusing,
but when that bomb finally hits, it's like everything clicks into place.
It all seems to make sense.
[Chloe] What's wrong with you?
Jimmy.
And Lois.
- Welcome to the love fest. - Yeah, and me without my uzi.
Excuse us for just one second.
What are you doing?
We were supposed to take Clark out tonight, remember?
Yeah, well, Lois was all alone and then it hit me.
Lois and Clark.
Lois and Clark?
You gotta admit, they got chemistry.
Yeah, so do Nitroglycerin and peroxide,
and I don't suggest putting them together.
Come on.
[Slow music playing on speakers]
Please tell me we weren't just set up.
Looks like it.
That's like hot fudge and Halibut.
I take it I'm the Halibut.
Naturally.
Well, I've had my fill of fat babies with arrows.
Knock yourself out, Lois.
[Star] Little down on love?
After my breakup?
Cupid could use me for target practice and I still wouldn't feel anything.
Then maybe you need a little euphoria elixir or romance remedy.
Just a nudge in order to move on.
Move on?
Honey, you're talking to somebody who's still waiting for acid-wash
to come back in style.
Try this.
It's made with Jasmine and a mixture of aphrodisiac oils.
I get the brilliant hue from red meteor rocks.
This is gonna make me fall in love with someone new?
The first man you set eyes on.
Hmm.
Who knows? Maybe this color will look good on me, huh?
Clark.
[Opening theme song playing]
Somebody save me
let your warm hands break right through
somebody save me
don't care how you do it
just stay, stay
come on
I've been waiting for you
just stay with me
I've made this whole world shine for you
just stay, stay
come on
[Martha] Yes, I'm calling to rsvp for the engagement party.
Martha Kent. Thank you.
Hi, how was the Valentine's party?
- I lived to see another day. - Clark.
Mom, really, if it's more love advice, I got my quota last night. Trust me.
But thank you.
[Knocking on door]
Lois?
Is Clark here?
Yeah. Come in.
Hey, Lois, listen, I'm sorry that Jimmy pulled you into that last night.
I mean, after Oliver and...
Oliver's history.
Actually, Mrs. K, can you give us a couple minutes?
Yeah. I'll be upstairs.
Here we find ourselves all alone.
Wow. How did I never notice what big, strong hands you have?
[Chuckles]
- What's going on, Lois? - Well, you know me.
I'm not very good with words. 80...
People don't think whitesnake sings power ballads,
but they do.
You made me a mix cd.
Yeah.
Well, I will kill you if you tell anyone this,
but there's nothing that I love more than slow-dancing
with some big, strong arms around me.
Just like yours, Smallville.
Lois, why don't you go put this on?
Okay.
I know how you dance, so...
Just in case...
Clark?
Lana.
I'm kind of surprised to see you here.
Yeah, I know that we left things in a weird place.
Come in.
I'll take credit for the weirdness, but to be honest,
you're the one who did the leaving.
I was really frustrated.
Chloe, I can't afford to lose you, too.
Ever since I've been with Lex,
I feel like I've lost everyone else in my life.
Well, are you sure it's that you lost them,
or were you being forced to leave them behind?
It seems like you've been walled up in the mansion.
It's not like I'm in captivity.
Right, well, not in so many words,
but I know how protective Lex is over the things he values the most.
Chloe, I know that you'rejust looking out for me.
And you've done your maid-of-honor duty and asked the tough questions,
but I was hoping that we could just get past this?
Okay. Case closed.
Did I miss something? "Maid of honor"?
Yeah. I hope that you're not allergic to taffeta.
That's actually why I came by.
Will you stand up with me?
Of course. Wow.
So, uh, does this mean that we just ignore the huge elephant
named Clark in the corner?
Yeah, whatever he's hiding,
he chose to confide in the people that he trusts the most...
And as much as I wish that I was one of those people,
I can't hold it against you.
I'm not gonna ask you to betray Clark's secret,
if you'll stop denying that he has one.
[Indistinct chattering]
Will this holiday ever end?
Sorry to be the culprit of such a felony-sized PDA.
We were supposed to meet 20 minutes ago. Where have you been?
I just... I got stuck in traffic.
I did some digging into our favorite martian manhunter,
but it's coming up empty.
Well, we have another manhunter to worry about.
Lois.
Why does that make me picture her wielding an ax at men in Metropolis?
She's only after one man.
Lois is...
Into me.
She's into you? What, like...?
Wow. She really pulled out all the stops.
She's not herself, all right?
It's like she overdosed on love potion number 9 or something.
And this isn't funny.
- Pretty funny. - Chloe.
We have to find out what happened before she strikes again.
- Too late. - [Lois] There you are.
I've been searching all over for you.
Look what I got.
Maybe you could get one to match.
I think you're right about that story. I'm gonna look into it.
Chloe...
Hi, you.
Lois.
Now, Lois, I've got...
You can pour on the modesty all you want, Smallville.
It only makes you that much more adorable.
Lois, what happened to you when I left last night?
I went home. Alone.
But you know where I wanted to be.
Wow. Well, nothing screams romance like a dusty newspaper office.
Come on, you can do better than this.
I was planning on it.
Not that I'm complaining, but isn't this a little sudden?
I mean, all this time one kiss and all of a sudden you like me?
No, I mean it. This is for real, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, this couldn't be more real.
Wait, wait a minute. Wait.
I knew I kissed you before.
In the alley.
- You're green arrow. - Hardly.
I was just pretending to be so you wouldn't know it was Oliver.
Oliver?
Oh, my god.
All those times he disappeared.
What is my deal with emotionally unavailable weekend warriors?
Thank god, I finally found a normal guy.
What do you mean "normal"?
Oliver's not even the same league as me.
You don't have to be macho just for me.
I like the dorky farm-boy thing.
Dorkier than a hood and a quiver?
Just because I don't wear a costume and splash my face
- all over the papers... - Clark.
So what if your signature move is driving a tractor.
I think it's adorable.
You know, Lois, I think that it's time for you to meet the real Clark Kent.
I have a surprise for you.
I thought we said no gifts for the engagement dinner.
It's not exactly for the dinner.
So I have this dilemma.
I can't decide
between stegosaurus
or Mr. Duck.
That's really sweet, Lex.
- But don't you think it's kind of...? - I know. I know it's kind of early,
but the doctor said you're perfectly healthy.
I just don't know if it's a good idea to have all this stuff out here.
There's a lot of people around.
Nobody knows about this pregnancy, apart from Clark and Chloe.
Well, what if they did?
I was thinking...
What if we announced it tonight at the party?
I don't know if that's a great idea.
I think that tonight should be about our engagement.
It sort of feels like you're in denial.
Like if no one finds out about the baby, it doesn't exist.
Lex, do you know how many people are looking over my shoulder,
second-guessing why I'm marrying you?
Am I that hard a sell?
I don't want people assuming that we're getting married
because of this baby.
I want them to know that I'm with you
because I love you.
Wow. This is a beautiful detour, but what are we doing up here?
That's Oliver's balcony over there, isn't it?
What? That tiny speck under the clock tower?
Clark, this isn't funny. You can come back down now.
Or you could come up here with me.
[Lois] Om
I'd like to see Oliver do this.
[Lois] Whoa!
[Lois laughs]
What'd you say about a dorky farm-boy?
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I can't wait to see what else you can do.
Well, I'm fast,
but not too fast.
You're being very bad.
You know, the last time I was here, I was with a good friend of yours.
Obviously, he wasn't that good.
I better make sure you didn't spell my name wrong.
[Lois] Whoo.
[Gasps]
Sounds like a real rager, doesn't it?
Can't say I'm surprised I wasn't invited.
I rsvp'd back before Oliver headed for the hills,
but now I've found a better way to occupy my night.
What? And disappoint the future Mrs. Luthor?
I don't think so.
Besides it's not a party until someone crashes it.
Hey, thanks for the roses.
Thanks for this.
Yeah, I don't know, I just... It kind of seemed very you.
I love it. But it might sit on the bench till my next style renaissance.
Or until I'm off the blacklist at the Luthor mansion.
Aren't you supposed to be leaving for Smallville in negative two minutes?
Yeah. But I'm gonna have to push the boundaries
of fashionably late on this one
because I just got a huge lead on whatever love-nip Lois rolled in.
You just can't admit that I'm a natural born cupid, can you?
Jimmy, I know that you would love to think
that your little nudge actually caused this whole thing,
but trust me, Lois would have to be shot out of a Cannon
to romantically land anywhere in the direction of Clark.
Hmm. Sounds kind of like you're jealous.
Of Lois?
No, of anyone getting in between you and Clark.
Come on, you spend all your time with him,
and then you make up all these excuses.
- Why? - You know what, Jimmy?
On the list of personality quirks that I've learned to fall in love with,
paranoia is definitely at the bottom.
- Translated to "back off"? - Yep.
Got it.
- Chloe. - Pushing it.
Look, if you're really notjealous,
then why are you bailing on your best friend's engagement party?
Clark's a big boy. How much damage can Lois really do?
You know, you're right.
I can just delegate.
I've done that.
Once.
And, since I doubt the Rose peddler dowsed Lois,
I'm putting all my money on the oil essence lady.
So, you can just meet her in an hour. Here's the address.
Thanks. You're my guy.
Looking for a little inspiration?
No, thanks, I've already got my muse.
So is this supposed to make you feel blissful or whatever?
Not "supposed to," it does.
Oh. Now that sounds kind of easy.
You're on the rebound. You just rub some sexy goo on, and wham!
You're singing Barry white songs again.
Indigenous cultures have used herbal oils for centuries.
We've strayed so far from nature, we think we're above it.
Yeah, yeah, nature, good. Greenhouse gases, bad. I get it.
Look, my girlfriend thinks
that you dosed her cousin with a love potion last night.
Tall, loud, down on love?
That would be Lois.
So do you have any, like, anti-love exfoliant or whatever?
Something to take the vaseline off the lens, so to speak?
This will counteract the aphrodisiac.
But I usually have a sixth sense about people.
Something tells me Lois and Clark's destinies
are a little more entwined than they realize.
[Chattering]
[Tapping on glass]
Could I have everyone's attention, please?
I just wanted to thank you all for joining us to celebrate.
Over the years, I'm sure some of you have placed a few bets
on whether I'd settle down.
But this couldn't be further from settling.
I'd like to toast my beautiful fiancee
for making me happier than I thought I could ever be.
- Looks like we missed dinner. - Clark, what are you doing here?
Come on, Lex, you didn't think I was gonna miss this, did you?
And look.
My own mother would rather raise a glass
with the enemy than stand by her own son.
Clark, you're not yourself.
It's okay, mom.
You're more a Luthor than Kent these days anyway.
I mean, dad's been what? Dead a year?
But who can blame you for joining the race with Lana
to see who's gonna add the Luthor monogram to their name first?
Lex, he's obviously on something, and he wants us to react.
Please don't.
Chloe, I can't say that I'm surprised that you're celebrating here.
After all, once Lana's off the market, all those years of unrequited pining
may actually pay off.
I can't say I haven't thought about it.
And you.
You know, I gotta hand it to you.
If you were gonna rebound,
why not choose the one person that I hated the most?
But, I mean, come on, Lana, the joke's over by now, isn't it?
[Lex] Clark, I think you've done enough damage.
- Why don't you leave? - I'm not done yet!
Besides, Lex,
I haven't given you my gift yet.
Congratulations on sealing the deal.
[Rattles]
To baby Luthor.
[Crowd murmuring]
The real reason that Lana's marrying you.
[Lana] Lex.
- How dare you? - [Clark] Come on, Lana,
if no one else in this room is gonna save you from Lex, then I will.
I don't think so. Lana is your past.
I'm your future.
This is the present.
Clark was acting like he was exposed to red kryptonite.
I'm guessing it wasn't a coincidence
that Lois went hopelessly devoted at the same time.
According to Jimmy, I think we may have found our culprit.
Lipstick?
Infused with a cupid's cocktail.
Lois was hit with an aphrodisiac.
- But that shouldn't affect Clark. - Well, it didn't.
But I'm guessing that the lipstick's Ruby-red sheen
didn't come from crushed Cranberries.
If he was infected by a kryptonite kiss, the second he was away from Lois,
he should have been fine.
I think Lois' kisses were a little more than skin deep.
I think it's in his system.
He wasn't good enough for me anyway.
I'll let you handle Lois.
Hopefully, I can find Clark before Lex does.
Hey, you got it?
Mugwort, aka. A delegating success story.
Now, once this hits her skin, Lois' pumpkin ride is over.
What does she have that I don't?
It's so weird to see her acting like a girl.
- What's that? - Just a little something
to help break the infatuation spell.
I think it's time we get those glass slippers back.
You know what? Stop making fun of my feelings.
Just because you never got Clark
doesn't mean you need to take it out on me.
[Lois] Wow. This is awkward.
Please tell me I was going to costume party.
You humiliated me in front of my friends.
Come on, Lana. You hardly knew anyone at that party.
- Clark, what do you want from me? - What I've always wanted.
For you to be happy.
I would love to know how that feels.
But it seems like every time I get close,
you rip it all away from me.
Lana, stop kidding yourself.
You're never gonna be satisfied with Lex.
You can't marry him.
I've already made up my mind.
Even though you're still in love with me?
What makes you so sure?
Because I'm still in love with you.
Don't marry Lex.
Marry me.
I have given you every chance.
I have stood in this spot so many times,
just waiting for you to say something and you decide to do it now?
You don't love me, Clark.
You just can't stand the idea that I love someone else.
[Lex] Lana.
Lana?
Lex.
Go ahead, Lana, tell him. That you'd rather be with me.
Don't listen to him. He's on something.
Oh, well, it didn't seem to bother you two minutes ago
when you were kissing me.
What do you really expect is gonna happen now, Clark?
- Exactly what you're afraid of. - I'm not a competition.
You are to Lex.
He didn't tell you?
He's always wanted everything I've ever had.
And you were at the top of that list.
You're just a trophy to him.
And he's nothing but your consolation prize.
Now tell me you don't love me.
Lana. Tell me you don't...
Stay away from her.
You don't wanna do that.
You can't win. You don't even know the rules of the game.
Clark, stop it!
[Grunting and gagging]
If I'd have known who you were gonna turn out to be,
I never would have saved you on that bridge.
Clark, you're killing him.
[Clark] Oh!
[Grunting]
Lana. Let me handle this. Please just leave.
[Grunting]
Clark... are you okay?
Oh, sweetie.
[Panting]
If you hadn't shown up in time...
I'm not sure what I would have done to Lex.
How'd you know what to do?
The last time you had some kind of kryptonite in your system,
you had to sweat it out.
Weakening you seemed to be our only chance.
I just can't believe all those things I did.
I can.
I guess I can't blame you for being mad at me, too.
Clark, you've walked around here for years bottling everything up,
basing every decision on what's best for other people.
You never stop to think what's best for you.
Mom, you don't think I really meant those things I said about you and Chloe?
I think there was a grain of truth in all of it.
Every time you've been affected by red kryptonite,
it hasn't changed who you are,
it's just stripped away your inhibitions.
I think you need to start being more honest about how you feel.
So, you're saying that I wanna kiss Lois and keep Chloe in my back pocket
while the whole time I'm still in love with Lana?
You're the only one who can sort that out.
When I kissed Lana, I could tell that she still felt something.
And, mom...
Mom, I can't let her marry Lex.
This is probably hard to hear,
but I think the best thing you can do is leave her alone.
[Lois] Clark, girl alert.
I never know what I'll find in a grown man's clubhouse.
Oh, sorry, Mrs. Kent.
Hey, Lois.
Yeah, hi.
Well, I talked to Chloe and she filled me in on Lois gone wild.
But I'm just missing a few details about us.
[Sighs]
Like this.
Wow, Lois, I had no idea.
Save it, Smallville. I was obviously on something.
Thank god, the ink wears off in a week.
[Sighs]
Well, I guess it's best that neither of us remembers.
I mean, I can't even really picture the two of us...
You don't think that we...?
Think that we what?
[Sighs]
You know,
that we...
No, Lois.
[Sighs]
I think I'd remember.
Yeah.
Of course, you would.
Highlight of your life.
Though I did find something.
I think you made it for me.
Vvhhesnake.
Wow.
I must have really liked you.
Hey, put another one down for the j-chlo team.
Thanks to you, Lois is back to her old, heartbroken, abrasive self.
I'm glad I could help with that, I guess.
And Clark is, well, back to being Clark.
Well, you're kind of brushing the landfill under the rug, aren't you?
What, with Clark?
So he took the whole breakup jealousy way past the drunk-dialing stage.
Can't arrest him for it.
He crashed Lana's party and told the world that she's eating for two.
Did I mention he kidnapped her?
I guarantee you Clark is beating himself up more than anyone right now.
So we can just give the Clark-bashing a reprieve, okay?
No. No, not until you admit that he royally screwed up.
You don't know him like I do.
And you remind me of that every day.
You know, if I did the things he did, you'd never talk to me again.
- And don't deny that. - So what are you saying?
I'm lying to you now?
Can you really tell me
that if you had the choice, you wouldn't rather be with him?
Of course not. You're my guy.
Now you don't believe me. Well, I don't know what else to say.
Well, I think that's the point.
Neither of us do.
You know, maybe we should take a break.
Jimmy, I have...
You're fine, miss lang. Nothing to worry about.
[Lex] Thank you, doctor.
I just wanted to be sure
with everything Lana went through yesterday.
Lex, I'm really sorry about what happened last night.
About Clark.
As far as I'm concerned, what we have doesn't have anything to do with Clark.
But, then, iwasn't the one kissing him.
And I wasn't the one holding a gun to his head.
Funny how he calls this a game.
What were you gonna do, Lex? Shoot him?
If I had to.
To save me or to hurt him?
Considering what he did to you, Lana,
I had every right to come after Clark.
But the thing is,
I can't blame him.
If I ever let you slip through my fingers,
I've no idea what I'd be capable of.
How is she, really?
Well, you know this isn't the most typical pregnancy,
but everything's on schedule.
[Closing theme music playing]