[both laughing]
Boy, that was a hoot and a holler.
Did you like that, South Parketeers?
children: You bet! - Well, great.
Then you're gonna love this next episode.
It's our favorite.
It's called "Tom's Rhinoplasty."
In it, Mr. Garrison gets a nose job,
a substitute teacher comes to South Park,
and our boys learn how to lick carpet.
You know, South Parketeers,
the reason that this episode is our favorite
is because we got Natasha Henstridge
to be the voice of the substitute teacher.
Natasha Henstridge was that actress in the movie "Species,"
and we loved her acting.
In fact, Matt and I used to freeze-frame
a lot of her acting from that movie on the VCR
and play with ourselves.
Then we'd play a little game called I'm Natasha Henstridge,
in which I'd close my eyes
and pretend that Matt was Natasha Henstridge.
Then Matt would close his eyes
and pretend that I was Natasha Henstridge.
But, kids, remember:
If you want to play I'm Natasha Henstridge with your friends,
play it safe.
Oh! Oh, look, it's our Indian friend,
Indian Companion.
Say hi, kids. Say hi to Indian Companion.
children: Hi!
What's happening, Indian Companion?
Someone coming?
Someone coming. - Someone coming.
Someone coming, great. Thank you.
Thanks, bud. - Thanks so much.
Why don't you go build a teepee there, buddy?
I think you'll be Natasha Henstridge tonight.
Anyway, why don't we all sit back, relax,
and have a rootin'-tootin' good time
with "Tom's Rhinoplasty"?
Yeehaw!
Ready?
[guns fire]
children: Hooray!
[twangy music]
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
all: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[singing indistinctly]
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.
I know.
Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.
I can't afford a cruise, dude.
I know, but we can make a little boat out of cardboard
and pretend it's a cruise!
[hysterical laughing]
Shut up, Cartman!
That is so lame!
[laughing]
And then we could dress up in little costumes
and pretend we're getting married.
[hysterical laughing]
Stop this!
You're killing me over here!
Children, I have some difficult news for you.
Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while.
He has to have surgery!
[all cheering]
So you're going to have a substitute teacher!
[all groaning]
And I want you to show the substitute
the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.
Yes, little boy?
We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
Oh. Anyhoo, I want you all to meet your new substitute,
Miss Ellen.
Hello, children.
Whoa! - Whoa!
Wow, she's pretty.
[mumbling]
You can say that again.
[mumbling]
Good luck, Miss Ellen.
If they get out of control,
just use this tear gas, okay?
Thank you.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Now, children, I know that you must be very upset
about your teacher having surgery,
but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible
for all of us.
[gasping]
Stan?
Stan!
Now let me try and learn your names
by your seating assignments.
You are Eric Cartman?
Yes, ma'am!
Okay, and you must be Stan Marsh!
[retches]
Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?
No, he always pukes when he's in love.
I'll kick your ass, Cartman!
So you're all right?
[retches]
Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?
I have to admit I'm still embarrassed
about getting a nose job, Tom.
I didn't want people at school to know,
so I told them I had herpes.
You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison.
People have cosmetic surgery all the time.
Before we start, this computer can help you
pick what kind of nose you want.
Wow! Isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?
It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
Now, we could go with something a little smaller,
which would make you look like this.
Hmm...
Or we could straighten out the bridge,
which would make you look like this.
Oh, that's not bad.
Of course, we could narrow the bridge,
which would make you look more like this.
Wow! That's it!
That's the nose I want!
All righty, then.
Now, I must warn you, Mr. Garrison,
that there are risks.
You could wind up a hideous, foul, shadow of a creature,
so terrifyingly ugly
that you are forced to live in the sewers,
only emerging at night to hunt for scraps of food.
I can live with that.
All righty, then, let's get started!
She wasn't looking at you, butt-lord,
she was looking at me!
Well, that goes without saying, fat-ass.
How could she help but look at you?
You guys can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out.
Until you puked on her.
Hello there, children.
What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Miss Ellen, dude. She's beautiful!
Is she like a Vanessa Williams beautiful,
or a Toni Braxton beautiful?
Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?
Or is she Erin Gray
in the second season of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?
Yeah, that one! - Whoo!
I gotta meet this woman.
Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm
is longer than the right one?
No. - Well, it is!
That's okay, you know what they say
about women with one arm longer than the other.
[mumbling]
That's right.
Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck
with the hair growing out of it?
That's okay, you know what they say
about women with a mole on the back of their necks
with hair growin' out of it.
Stan, we're still valentines, right?
Sure, Wendy, whatever.
Hey, we should buy Miss Ellen Valentine's Day presents.
Yeah, we'll go to the mall tonight.
I'm gonna buy her a vacuum cleaner.
Chicks like vacuum cleaners!
[somber music]
[sniffles]
♪♪
♪ I remember when we were so in love ♪
♪ The moments that we shared were timeless ♪
♪ Saw it in the wind ♪
♪ Knew it in a glance ♪
♪ The songs we sang were simple and rhymeless ♪
♪ I can't stop now ♪
♪ My heart's awake ♪
♪ I feel your arms ♪
♪ My arms to take ♪
♪ I guess times change ♪
♪ Even when love is the same ♪
♪♪
[writing on chalkboard]
Oh, goodness.
Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
You guys are so immature!
Act like eight-year-olds!
Stan, how 'bout you?
[retches]
I'd love to!
Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.
Cartman?
What's a multiplication table?
Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?
Well, where did he leave off?
We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth
is going out with that Richard Grieco guy
that used to be on "21 Jump Street"
but then he got his own show for just a little while.
Oh, hello.
Can I help you?
I'm Chef. - And?
I just, uh-- I stopped by 'cause little Kyle
forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.
My laundry detergent? - That's not Kyle's--
Shh! Crazy cracker's always
leavin' that detergent all over the place.
What was your name again?
Uh-oh, Chef's movin' in on Miss Ellen.
I'm the substitute.
Well I'm sure there's no substitute for you.
That's very nice, Mr. Chef.
Now if you're finished...
[funky music]
♪ Nobody could take your place ♪
♪ No way they can match your face, no ♪
♪ You got it goin' on in a way ♪
♪ So clear ♪
♪ I just wanna buy you a beer ♪
Maybe tonight at 7:30 or something, I can come by and...
♪ Pick you up in my car ♪
♪ No substitute ♪
♪ No substitute for you ♪
♪ No substitute ♪
♪ No, baby there's ♪
♪ No substitute ♪
♪ For you, girl ♪
♪ No substitute ♪
♪ For you now ♪
♪ You know that it's true ♪
♪ No substitute ♪
♪ There's just no substitute for you ♪
We've got to learn how to do this, dude.
Yep. - That was enthralling,
Mr. Chef, but could I get back to teaching now?
If we can have dinner tonight.
Fine, Chef.
Just let me do my job before I get fired.
Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Miss Ellen!
What?
Mr. Garrison, Mr. Garrison!
Where--where am I?
The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
Oh, I feel weak. How do I look?
You look great!
I--I feel kind of nauseous.
Yes, well, that's to be expected.
We did some major reconstruction,
sawed through some bone,
snapped some cartilage.
[groans]
All the blood and mucus,
just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart.
[imitating cracking]
Ohh...
By the way, did you ever see that movie "Contact"?
[retching]
Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison,
why don't you get some rest?
I'll check on you a little later.
[breathing shakily]
I waited through that entire movie
to see the alien and it was her goddamn father.
[school bell rings]
Okay, kids, remember your homework.
We have a lot of catching up to do.
Good-bye, Miss Ellen.
Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!
Miss Ellen, can I talk to you?
Of course, Wendy.
I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking
to my boyfriend Stan.
Oh, well, I've taken a liking to all of you.
You're all so young and cute and full of life.
Can I tell you something, Miss Ellen?
Of course, Wendy.
Don't [bleep] with me!
What? - You heard me!
Stay away from my man, bitch,
or I'll whup your sorry ho ass back to last year!
Bye, Miss Ellen!
Well, I certainly want to thank
all you lovely children
for the presents you bought me!
Oh, what a delightful scarf!
Thank you, Kyle!
[coughs] Loser gift, loser gift!
And here's one from Kenny.
Oh, thank you very much, Kenny.
This is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.
[laughing]
Oh, and what a nice alarm clock.
Thank you, Stan. [retches]
And here's another present, from Wendy.
Oh, why, it's a dead animal. Thank you, Wendy.
See? She liked my present the best!
Where's your present, Cartman?
Well, I got Miss Ellen a chocolate pie,
but I, uh, left it at home.
Okay, kids.
We're gonna take a spelling test now.
[all gasping]
But as an extra incentive, I'm gonna take
whoever gets the highest score on the quiz
out to dinner.
Aw, man, I wish I knew how to spell!
Are there any questions before we begin?
Yes, Wendy?
When someone gets as old as you,
do they have to wear Depends undergarments?
Dude, I aced that test!
I'm gonna win that dinner with Miss Ellen!
No, you're not. I don't think I missed any!
Hi, Stan.
I bet I scored a 100!
[shouting] Hi, Stan!
Oh, hi, Wendy.
I was just in the bathroom,
and Miss Ellen was in there
taking the biggest dump I've ever seen!
No, she wasn't!
Yes, she was!
That's impossible!
Well, she did!
And she has horrible, horrible gas too!
She says she can't control it!
Nuh-uh!
It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Oh, cool!
All right, Wendy, seriously,
you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing.
Yeah, you're acting like a freak, Wendy.
[screaming] No, I'm not acting like a freak!
[voice echoing]
Hey, man, someone's gotta pull that monkey
out of Wendy's ass!
Hello there, children. - Oh, hey, Chef.
How did your date with Miss Ellen go?
Not too good. - What happened?
Didn't you make sweet love to her?
No, no, no, she's not like that.
You see... uh, how do I put this?
Children,
Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play
for the right team.
In--in other words, children,
she's not a member of the heterosexual persuasion.
Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
A what-bian? - A plebeian?
You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Kenny?
No, explain it to us, Chef.
That's okay, uh, look--
all you need to know is,
Miss Ellen's a lesbian, and that means
she only likes other lesbians.
Oh.
Now move along, children,
you're holding up the line.
Weak, dude.
She only likes other lesbians?
Hey, man, if she only likes other lesbians,
then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
Hey, yeah!
Hey, guys, you know what?
My grandma was Dutch-Irish,
and my grandpa was lesbian.
That makes me quarter lesbian.
You're just sayin' that, Cartman.
Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat-ass!
I am too!
Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
Well?
Take a look for yourself.
Wow, that's a pretty good nose job!
What do you think, Mr. Hat?
I think it looks great.
Yes, I think once the swelling goes down,
you'll really notice a difference.
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
My mom said if you want to become a lesbian
you have to lick carpet! - Really?
Well, I got a Indi-glow Girls CD.
The guy at the record store said it was perfect.
And I got these killer Birkenstocks.
♪ I woke up very early one Sunday morning ♪
This is a bunch of crap!
I've been licking this carpet for three hours
and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
♪ Do it light ♪
♪ Taking me through the night ♪
♪ Shadow dancing ♪
♪ Baby, you do it right ♪
♪ Give me more... ♪
Hi, Mrs. Kimball.
Oh, how-dy, Mr. Garrison.
Say, honey, you look kinda different.
Really?
Did you get a haircut?
No, but thanks for asking.
♪ Do it light ♪
♪ Taking me through the night ♪
Call me... I'm in the book!
Wow, Mr. Hat, having a nose job
is even better than I thought.
There's a whole world of opportunity
opening up in front of us.
Thanks for coming over, Bebe.
That's okay, Wendy,
I brought my makeup kit like you asked me.
What are we doing, anyway?
That mean old substitute isn't gonna stop
until she takes everything from me, Bebe!
Really? - Yeah!
What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket
and have her shot into the center of the Sun!
But instead,
I'll just get Stan to notice me again.
Bebe, I need a makeover!
Oh, cool!
I can't wait for Miss Ellen to see
what a raging lesbian I am!
I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
No, you're a fatter lesbian than me!
Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
Whoa, is that Wendy Testaburger?
♪♪
Hi, guys, what's up?
Wow, Wendy looks just like that chick from "Grease,"
Elton John!
Wow, hi, Wendy.
Oh, hi, Stan.
I think it worked, Bebe!
Yeah!
Good morning, children.
Wow!
Damn! Get down!
Yeah!
Oh, Wendy,
you wore black leather too!
We're like sisters.
Die!
All right, kids, I finished grading your papers
and the person with the highest score...
Hello there, children!
♪ Do it light ♪
♪ Taking me through the night ♪
♪ Shadow dancing ♪
Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back!
Oh, weak, dude!
Hooray, hooray!
Hooray for Mr. Garrison!
♪ He's back, he's back, Mr. Garrison is back ♪
So long, substitute!
Don't let the door hit your ass
on the way out, now!
Children, I have a very important announcement to make.
I'm quitting my job as a teacher.
[all gasping]
What?
It's strange, but suddenly I feel
really confident about myself.
And I've decided to quit teaching
and do what I've always dreamed of doing:
hang out and screw hot chicks.
You... you can't!
But the good news is,
I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it,
and Miss Ellen can stay on
as your permanent teacher.
[all cheering]
Really?
That's right. Will you stay?
Well, sure!
No!
Oh, by the way, kids,
the person who scored highest on the quiz
and gets to have dinner on me,
is Stan.
[retches] Kickass!
[screaming] No!
No!
Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot,
we just got a call in the office.
Your grandma just died.
[screaming]
Ooh, my, what an exciting day!
♪ Do it light ♪
♪ Taking me through the night ♪
♪ Shadow dancing ♪
Great, baby, you're lookin' great!
I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat!
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Okay, just a few hundred more shots,
and we'll be done.
A few hundred?
Hey, that's the life of a model, baby!
Oh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack!
You got it!
[camera shutter clicking]
I'm very glad we could have dinner together, Stanley.
I want you to know
that I really care about your education.
Are we making love now?
Excuse me?
They don't have a fireplace here.
We shouldn't be making love yet.
What are you talking about?
You have to make love down by the fire,
that's what Chef always says.
Stan, I'm your teacher, okay?
We're only friends.
But why?
Well, first of all, you're eight.
It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
Oh, boy.
[thunder rumbling]
It's over.
I give up.
Boy, I'll tell you something, Mr. Hat,
being hot and sexy is fun for a while,
but it sure does get boring.
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
[women screaming]
What the...
Whoa! Hey, wait, wait!
Ahh!
Mr. Hat, save yourself!
[school bell ringing]
So how'd your date with Miss Ellen go?
Did you make love?
I think so.
No way! - Yep!
Down by the fire? - Yep!
[mumbling]
Did I what?
Good morning, children.
Miss Ellen, can I talk to you?
Sure, but can it wait till after class, Wendy?
No, I just have to apologize
for the way I've been acting.
Oh, that's okay, Wendy.
No, it's not.
Since you're here to stay,
I just hope we can be friends.
Well, I would love that, Wendy.
And... [clears throat]
I want to apologize to everybody.
The way I acted was wrong,
and I've learned from it.
I just wish Stan and Miss Ellen
would have all the happiness in the world.
Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan.
That's not what we just heard!
[women screaming]
Oh, Mr. Hat, I hate this!
I wish I'd never had a nose job!
Damn this beautiful face of mine!
Damn it to hell!
We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat.
I wanna be the old me again!
Okay, children, let's catch up
on our cursive handwriting.
Down, down, everybody down!
What the hell?
So we meet again Miss Ellen.
And just what is going on here, mister?
I am Hakeem Korashki
of the mighty nation of Iraq.
This woman is a traitor to our government.
It's a lie!
She has killed thousands
and will kill again, I assure you.
Miss Ellen, is this true? - No!
We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
Oh, cool!
Principal Victoria, please!
Here is a black-and-white photo of Miss Ellen
with our leader!
Her real name is Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh.
Well, Miss Makaraqesh,
you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy!
Take her away!
No, get away from me!
Oh, my God, she killed Kenny!
You bastard!
No!
Wow, what incredible irony.
[sirens wailing]
Wow, I can't believe
Miss Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive!
Yeah, you just never know.
Well, I guess I'm sorry
that I was ignoring you and stuff.
Happy Valentine's Day, Stan.
[retching]
Eww!
Sorry. - No, it's okay, Stan!
Everything's going to be okay.
Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?
Yeah, dude, my mom says all I have to do
is chow on this box.
For crimes against this country,
you are hereby sentenced to be
shot into the center of the Sun!
This is all a mistake!
This can't be happening!
Please!
For the love of God!
Shut up!
[upbeat music playing]
[laughs] Great party, Wendy!
Thanks, Mrs. Kimball.
Thanks for helping me
to get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.
Anything for you, sugar-pie.
Oh, hi, Kyle.
I've been thinking, Wendy,
this whole outcome is pretty strange.
Uh, excuse me.
[speaking foreign language]
[grumbling in foreign language]
How is it that Miss Ellen was suddenly arrested for being--
Wait, wait! Shh, shh!
It's time to whip out the eclipse shoeboxes!
Bye-bye, Miss Ellen.
Wendy... you didn't!
I told her...
don't [bleep] with Wendy Testaburger!