♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
You guys! You guys!
Chef is going away.
Going away? For how long?
Forever.
I'm sorry, boys.
STAN: Chef said he's been bored,
so he's joining a group called the Super Adventure Club.
Wow!
Chef, what kind of questions do you think
adventuring around the world is gonna answer?!
What's the meaning of life? Why are we here?
I hope you're making the right choice.
I'm gonna miss him.
I'm gonna miss Chef, and I --
and I don't know how to tell him!
Dude, how are we gonna go on?
Chef was our f-friend.
And we will all miss you, Chef.
But we know you must do what your heart tells you.
[ Music continues ]
- Bye-bye! - Goodbye!
- So long, Chef! - So long! Bye, Chef!
Goodbye, Chef!
Have a great time with the Super Adventure Club!
Goodbye.
- See you later! - Bye, Chef!
[ Sobbing ]
[ Music continues ]
And now part two of "Life Without Chef."
Draw two cards, fat-ass.
Reverse to you, Jew.
- [ Doorbell rings ] - I'll get it.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Hello, there, children!
He's back!
- Yeah! - Yeah! All right!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Chef, I can't believe you're back!
Well, it's true.
But are you back for good?!
That's right.
Hey, everybody, Chef's back!
- All right! Yeah! - Huh? Oh!
Oh, finally!
[All cheering ]
[ Laughter ]
That's great! That's great!
Wow. It seems like you had a great time
with the Super Adventure Club, Chef.
They sound like really interesting people.
Yeah.
But now that you're back here,
does that mean you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore?
No, no!
Oh, so have you decided you can still belong
to the Super Adventure Club
but live here in South Park again?
That's right!
Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club
was just what you needed, Chef.
You must be feeling very happy
that you found a club to belong to with new friends
but that you can also live here in South Park
with all your old friends whom you care for deeply, right?
That's right! Randy!
Yeah. Yeah! [ Laughter ]
Well, Chef, you're welcome to stay here with me
until you buy another house.
Thank you. Jimbo.
Well, come on, everybody.
I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved in.
That's right! Thank you!
Goodbye! Everybody!
- Later! - Great to have you back!
- Bye-bye! - See you, Chef!
See you later, Chef! Bye!
Well, I guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef.
You bet. Goodbye!
Children!
Right.
Uh, see ya.
Uh, guys...
did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?
Well, look. He said he's happier now.
Maybe he just needs to rest up a little.
Yeah, I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does
- is pretty tiring. - Yeah. Look, whatever.
I'm just glad he's back for good.
Mrph rm rph.
[ Bell rings ]
It's really weird what he said.
I don't know. It kind of confused me.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again!
Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak
with buttered noodles!
- You guys, you guys! - What?
Something's wrong with Chef.
He's saying some really weird stuff.
Like what?
I think -- I think he wants to have sex with me.
What?
I got to -- I got to go.
Weirdo.
Hello, there, children!
- Hey, Chef! - Mrph rm!
- How's it going? - Good.
Well, how about I meet you boys after work, and we...
♪ Make love ♪
Excuse me?
Come on, children.
You're my sexual fantasy.
Let's all make sweet love.
Chef, a-are you okay?
♪ I want to stick my balls ♪
Inside your rectum. Kyle.
Dude, what are you saying?
♪ I'm gonna make love to ♪
Your asshole, children.
What?!
Hi, kids. I'm Detective Jarvis.
Uh, I need to ask you all some difficult questions
about your school cafeteria chef.
This doesn't make any sense!
We have some information that all this time,
Chef has been, and still is, a pedophile.
No, he's not.
Uh-huh.
No, he's not.
Yeah. Yeah, he is so.
What's a pedal file?
Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef,
so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions.
Did Chef ever touch any of you here?
No!
Okay. Did he touch you here?
ALL: No!
Did he ever do this?
How about this?
BI-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
My Uncle Bud did that to me once!
Did Chef ever try one of these on for size?
God damn it! Chef isn't like that!
Something funny is going on here!
Young man, will you please pay attention?
This is very important stuff!
Oh! Ooh.
[ Bell rings ]
Hello, there, children!
Chef, the police are asking questions about you.
Oh, really?
Well, let's all go home and...
♪ Make love ♪
No, Chef, we don't want to make love to you.
Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?!
Chef! Chef!
You need to get out of here
before you get arrested, all right?!
I specializes in your asshole, Kyle.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
Man, I can't believe all this time
Chef just wanted us for sex.
He didn't want us for sex, fat-ass!
Something is making him say those things.
Mrph rm?
Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone.
Maybe he hit his head
or got stuck in some quantum time vortex.
Look, he spent the last three months
with that adventurers' club.
Maybe they know what happened to him.
Mrph! Rmhmhm rm mrph rphmrmhmhm rm rmphmhm rm!
Yeah!
All right! Come on, guys!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Bird calling ]
Hey, guys. You know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs?
Joobs.
[ Rope creaking ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
May I help you?
Uh, hi. Can we speak to the head guy or something?
Right this way.
Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro
should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a --
Excuse me, sir.
These boys wanted to speak with you.
Ah, yes! Splendid! Good afternoon, lads!
I'm head adventurer William P. Connelly, Esquire.
Welcome to the Super Adventure Club!
- Jolly-o! - Cheers!
- Hello! - Indeed!
Uh, hi.
Our friend joined your club a while back,
and now he wants to molest kids.
What?
Well -- Well, yes, of course!
That's what the Super Adventure Club does!
Huh?
We travel the world and have sex with children.
Yes. What else would we do?
Well, we thought you went exploring
and, like, hunting and stuff.
No, no. That's the Adventure Club.
We're the Super Adventure Club.
Next week, we will be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon,
where we will make camp
and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe.
Then it's off to the mighty Himalayas,
where we will climb K2
and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit.
Dude!
I know! But it gets even better!
From there, we will kayak to the fruitful banks
of the Mili River in Africa,
where the secret and mysterious Hanini people have children
who have never seen a white man's erect penis.
Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with
on the plane rides over to these places.
So how would you all like to join the Super Adventure Club?!
No!
No?
Oh, really?
Perhaps I should ask you again.
[ Whistles ]
How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club?
[ Whistles ]
No.
[ Whistles ]
Dude, what are you doing?
Oh, well. It doesn't work on everybody.
Well, so long, then.
Just what the hell is that thing?!
What? What thing? I don't see anything.
- Ha! I knew it! - Knew what?
The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us
is because he's been brainwashed by this fruity little club!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Oh, son of a bitch!
Come on, children.
Let's all go home and...
♪ Make love ♪
You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef.
It's for your own good.
I'd just like to...
♪ Make love ♪
Up your butt.
Oh, my God!
Mr. Chef, is it?
All right. Come on.
Hello. I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today?
Hi. Our friend has been brainwashed
by some fruity little club.
Brainwashed?
Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club,
and they convinced him having sex with kids was okay
with a little thing that goes: [makes whistling noise].
I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking.
No, that's the Adventure Club.
The Super Adventure Club has sex with children.
Oh.
Oh! That's right. Yeah.
Doctor, do you have...children?
Why, yes. I have two young boys.
Have y'all been sodomizing your childrens, too?!
You say he's never been like this before?
No. Chef has always been super cool.
♪ I'm gonna make love to ♪
The children.
He's pretty brainwashed, all right.
Worst case I've ever seen.
So what can we do?
I'm afraid there's no simple answer.
When somebody is brainwashed, it can take months, even years,
to reverse the process.
But we don't have years!
If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever!
Tell me -- What was Chef's favorite thing to do
before it was having sex with children?
Having sex with women.
Then that's it!
We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away.
[ Rock music playing, crowd cheering ]
All right, guys. Be sure to tip your waitresses.
This is a two-for-one.
Put your hands together. This is Monica.
Aw, come on, children. Let's go home.
This isn't working.
Well, let's give it some more time, kids.
[ Hoarsely ] Would you like a dance?
No, thanks. We're trying to un-brainwash our friend.
Dance?
Anybody want a dance?
Come on, bitch. Dance.
Up yours, fatty.
Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off.
All right, guys. How we feeling out there?
We got a featured dancer coming up next.
Put your hands together for Spantaneous Bootay.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on, guys. We might as well go.
God damn!
Chef, we're leaving.
No, no. Wait. Let him go.
[ Music continues ]
Come here, sugar.
BI-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
Wait a minute.
He's remembering!
Children, what have I done?
It's okay, Chef. Go on. Remember!
♪ I'm gonna -- I'm gonna -- ♪
Come on, Chef. You can do it!
♪ I'm gonna make love to you, woman ♪
♪ Gonna lay you down by the fire ♪
- Yay! - Mrph rm!
Hey, children, everybody! I'm back!
Ow!
Great shot, William. Hit him with another.
Oh!
- Chef! - Mrph!
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
Tally-ho, lads!
I must say you're starting to become
quite a thorn in my balls.
Where's Chef? What have you done with him?
He's safe.
He's fasting in the deprivation room
and being read the Super Adventure Club manual.
We've got to undo the damage you've done.
Look, if you want to go around the world molesting kids,
that's totally fine, but why do you need Chef?
We don't need him. He needs us!
Our club offers hope.
You think we go around the world molesting children
just because it feels really, really, really, really good?
No!
Our club has a message
and a secret that explains the mysteries of life.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
Very well.
I'm now going to tell you the secret
of the Super Adventure Club.
We don't want to hear it.
You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded
by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phineas!
Phineas climbed the highest peaks,
tamed the mightiest rivers!
But every time he got somewhere,
he realized that other explorers had beat him to it.
Phineas was depressed until he realized
that if he couldn't be the first to discover places,
he could be the first to have sex with the native children
that inhabited those areas!
Phineas quickly went down in history books as the first man
to have sex with the aborigine children at Uluru
and the first explorer to bugger
all the underage mountain folk of Nepal!
But now the most wonderful part.
You see, after having sex with all those children,
Phineas realized that molesting all those kids
had made him immortal.
Immortal?
CONNELLY: He discovered that children
have things called marlocs in their bodies.
And when an adult has sex with a child,
the marlocs implode, feeding the adult's receptor cavity
with energy that causes immortality.
So sayeth the ruler of Bethos.
Phineas traveled the world, loving many, many children.
And he lived for eternity,
until he was hit by a train in 1892.
Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Is it any more retarded
than the idea of God sending His son to die for our sins?
Is it any more retarded than Buddha
sitting beneath a tree for 20 years?!
Yeah. It's way, way more retarded.
Well, now that you know our club's secrets...
it appears you leave us no choice.
I'm afraid we're going to have to...
ask you to leave.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
We're not leaving without Chef.
If you choose not to leave,
then I'm afraid we're just going to have to...
call security and make you leave.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
You'll be led out by security,
and it will be super embarrassing,
and everyone here will see.
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Bird calling ]
You know how, like, when you want people to leave,
but they won't leave, it's really frustrating?
We're not going anywhere without Chef!
Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome.
You petulant fools!
You just had to push it, didn't you?
You don't realize who you're dealing with here.
Security!
Take these boys to the door.
All right. Come on, kids.
No! Hey!
Ha ha! Look, they're being led out by security! Ha ha!
No. You don't understand.
They've got our friend in a deprivation room!
This is their house, and they don't want you here.
- [ Grunts ] - Aah!
Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club
isn't taking our friend!
And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skill.
Chef, come on!
Children! - Get out of here!
Kenny, spin blossom nut squash!
Mrph! - Ow!
Come on, Chef!
I can't break these locks.
Here!
Come on, Chef!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
What the -- Impossible!
I made them leave!
Get outside!
Stop them!
- [ Screaming ] - Children, run!
Stop!
We made it!
Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
- Chef, come on! - You sought adventure!
And why do people seek adventure?
Because their lives have become dull and empty!
Yeah, he wanted adventure,
not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap, right, Chef?!
Chef?
Don't forget all your training, Chef.
Stay with us, and your life will be grand and eternal!
Chef...we love you.
I'm sorry, children.
No! Chef! They've filled your head with lies.
Can't you see that?
Get the hell out of here, children!
Yes.
Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all.
[ Thunder crashes ]
Aah!
No!
- Chef! - Chef!
Aah!
[ Grunts ]
Ow! Oh! Aah!
Oh! Damn it!
[ Grunts ] Oh!
No!
[ Coughs ]
[ Mountain lion roars ]
A mountain lion!
[ Screaming ]
We can't lose another member! Shoot it!
Aah!
I right missed!
Aah!
- Chef! - [ Bear growling ]
A grizzly bear!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Oh, my God.
They killed Chef.
You bastards!
Pity.
He would have made an excellent child molester.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Maybe -- Maybe he's still okay.
No. Really!
They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your --
[ Farts ]
Oh, never mind.
Come on. Let's go.
[ Music continues ]
We're all here today
because Chef has been such an important part of our lives.
A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made
in the past few days.
Some of us feel hurt and confused
that he seemed to turn his back on us.
But we can't let the events of the last week
take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile.
I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy
who always broke into song.
I'm gonna remember Chef
as the guy who gave us advice to live by.
So, you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us.
We should be mad at that fruity little club
for scrambling his brains.
- [ Music continues ] - Yeah.
He's right.
And in the end, I know that somewhere out there,
there's the good part of Chef that's still alive in us all.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Is it working? Is it working?!
[ Electricity crackles ]
Yes. We've got a pulse!
Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry!
[ Whirring ]
That's done it! Good! Raise him up!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Mechanical breathing ]
Chef, can you hear me?
Say something.
[ Mechanically ] Hello, there, children.
How would you like some Salisbury steak?
Yes. Go on.
And for dessert,
how would you children like to suck
on my chocolate salty balls?
Oh. You mean like a chocolate candy?
No. I mean my balls.
Yes!
[ Laughs evilly ]