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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
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00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,723
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
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00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,391
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
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♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
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♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
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Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
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00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,372
Hi.
Welcome to P.F. Chang's.
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How spicy would you like me
to make your Chang Sauce?
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Chris, the people at table 3
need their check.
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I know.
I'm swamped!
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- I've got no help here!
- What about the new waiter?
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The new waiter is useless.
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And I think he's high.
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How spicy would you like
your Chang Sauce?
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Can we just place our order,
please?
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Oh, man.
I have no idea what's going on.
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Everything okay here?
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Fine, except this towel
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has been mixing Chang Sauce
for 15 minutes.
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He's clueless.
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Don't call m e shoeless!
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You're shoeless!
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Yeah.
Well, you're a towel.
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You're a towel!
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All right. That's it.
Get out of here. You're fired!
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Yeah!
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Not him, you!
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Aww.
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[ Down-tempo music plays ]
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Oh, man.
I really screwed up this time.
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The rent's due
at the end of the month,
35
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and I don't have any money!
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I need to shape up
and find a new job quick!
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But first maybe I'll get
a little high.
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Wait.
Here it comes.
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A good idea is coming.
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Yeah.
Hey, yeah!
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I should become a writer!
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If I just write a book about
my life, I can get it published
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and then make plenty of money
to pay rent!
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I'll bet people can't wait
to read my memoirs.
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"A Million...Little Fibers."
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"By Toweleeeie."
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This is a really good idea.
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Uh-huh.
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Mm.
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Yes.
Yes, I see.
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Well, that's quite
a fascinating story --
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you being engineered as a towel
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with a computer chip
that determines dryness.
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Yep.
And it's all true!
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Chapters 4 through 8, however,
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seem to all be about
Doritos brand corn chips.
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I guess I could edit
those chapters down some.
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Don't bother.
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I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,
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but nobody is ever going to
publish your memoirs.
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Huh?!
Why not?
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Well, just the small,
trivial fact
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that people aren't interested
in autobiographies of towels.
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Well, yeah, but maybe people
will read my memoirs
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and, like, apply its lessons
to their own lives.
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No, they won't.
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Because they're people.
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And you're a towel.
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You're a towel.
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No, I'm a big book publisher
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who's not the least bit
interested
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in your stony memoirs.
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You're a towel.
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
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Now what am I gonna do?
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I got to pay rent,
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and I just wasted three weeks
writing my memoirs.
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It's time for me to stop being
so irresponsible.
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I've got to shape up, focus,
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and come up with real solutions
to my problems.
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I'd better get a little high.
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Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
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But you have to think
of something fast,
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and getting high
makes you smart.
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All right.
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I'll just use
my special getting-high powers
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one more time.
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Hey.
Hey, wait a minute!
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Of course!
That's it!
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Why didn't I think of it
before?!
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"All my life I've been
a pretty irresponsible towel."
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"Person."
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"I thought I was somehow
stronger and more immune
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than other towels."
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"People."
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This is a really good idea.
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Oh.
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Oh, my God.
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I cannot believe a human being
has led this kind of life,
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Mister...
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McTowelie.
Steven McTowelie.
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It's heartbreaking passages
like this one --
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"I am a person who often
gets hung out to dry
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by all those around me."
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I know this company would be
honored to publish this book.
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I just have one small question
first.
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You're not...a towel, are you?
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No.
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If I was a towel,
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why would I be wearing this hat
and this fake mustache?
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Right.
I'm sorry.
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Well, Steven,
if it's all right with you,
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I'm going to get our agents
and lawyers on the phone.
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We're in business, sir.
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All right!
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[ Up-tempo music plays,
crowd cheering ]
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Thank you so much!
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Once in a while,
I come across a book
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that is so honest and so moving
that it changes my life.
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"A Million Little Fibers"
is the true story
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of a man who was born
in a laboratory.
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Please welcome author
Steven McTowelie!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Steven, when I read your book,
I thought to myself,
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"How can a human being
go through all this
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and still turn out okay?"
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Well, I guess I'm just
an extra-special tow--
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person!
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You talk in your book
how you would sometimes
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have to spend days
hung up on a rack.
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What would that do to you
emotionally?
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You have been through so much,
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and I think that people
all over America...
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MINGIE: [ British accent ]
Oh, God. There she goes again.
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00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,991
Babbling about people's lives
and carrying on.
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She hasn't paid any attention
to m e in years!
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A life that kept getting up
whenever it was down...
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MINGIE: Nobody knows what it's
like to be Oprah's minge.
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All she does is work.
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Never gives her ol' minge
a nice rub now and again.
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00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,589
A minge needs attention!
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At least a scratch
once in a while!
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Well, Steven, your book hasn't
sold a lot of copies yet,
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00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,013
but I have some pretty exciting
news for you.
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MINGIE:
Used to be a time
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00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,974
when Oprah would play with me
night and day.
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She'd pet me for hours,
using every finger.
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But now I just sit here...
in the dark.
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Not even so much as a pinkie.
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I should write a book.
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It'd be much more depressing
than his.
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And so, Steven,
I am making your book
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my official
"Book of the Month" selection!
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- Really?
- [ Cheers and applause ]
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Wow!
I'm gonna get super-rich now!
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[ Up-tempo music plays ]
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Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, listen.
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Maybe we can get her in
as a guest on the 19th.
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Is John Travolta available
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00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,529
to be a guest
the week after that?
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Okay. That might work better
since it's sweeps week.
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MINGIE:
Can't take it anymore.
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All she ever does
is work, work, work.
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Never pays attention
to the ol' minge.
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I'm always trapped
in these stuffy pantsuits.
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I want attention.
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I'm bloody bored!
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GARY: [ British accent ]
Oh, stop your complainin'!
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I'm trying to sleep back here!
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MINGIE: Oi, who's that?
Is that you, Gary?
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GARY:
Yes, it's me.
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You think you got it bad?
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Oprah hasn't paid any attention
to me in years.
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MINGIE: Oh, what do you care?
You're just an asshole.
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I'm a minge!
Minges need stimulation!
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GARY: Assholes need stimulation,
too, you bastard.
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I want to travel.
I want to see Paris.
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00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,067
I thought life
was going to get better.
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00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,777
But Oprah's always busy.
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00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,447
Working and working,
dieting and not dieting.
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I'm either puking up mounds
of chocolate cake
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or teaspoons of wheat grass.
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MINGIE:
She's a workaholic.
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Let's face it --
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The only way we're gonna get
any attention
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is if Oprah doesn't work
anymore.
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GARY:
Well, that will never happen.
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00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,543
MINGIE:
Not unless she gets fired.
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00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,254
GARY: Fired?
You got a plan, Mingie?
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MINGIE:
That bloke on the show today,
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00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:30,135
the one Oprah supported --
He isn't a bloke at all.
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He's a towel.
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00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,180
GARY:
Oh. How do you know?
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MINGIE:
I'm a minge.
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Minges know a towel
when they hear one.
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If evidence gets out
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00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,478
that Oprah's champion author
is a towel,
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she'll look right foolish.
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Fans will start dropping off
by the millions.
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00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150
GARY:
How do we get proof?
201
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,069
MINGIE:
We get somebody else to do it.
202
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,030
The greatest investigative
reporter of our time.
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00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:52,991
Mr. Rivera?
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00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,243
What is it, Dmitri?
205
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,203
There's somebody on the phone
to speak with you.
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00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,663
He says he has inside
information for you
207
00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,331
that may discredit
Oprah Winfrey.
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00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,375
[ Dramatic music plays ]
209
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,086
This is Geraldo.
210
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,337
MINGIE:
Hello, Geraldo.
211
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,340
I've got some information for
you you might find interesting.
212
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:11,260
It could make Oprah Winfrey look
quite foolish.
213
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,553
Who am I speaking with?
214
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,721
GARY: He wants to know
who he's speaking with.
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00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,975
MINGIE: Let's just say I work
very closely with Oprah.
216
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,227
You'd like to see her
discredited, wouldn't you?
217
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:21,895
What information do you have?
218
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,021
MINGIE:
What'd he say?
219
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,357
GARY: He wants to know
what information we have.
220
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,775
MINGIE:
Just tell me what he says, Gary.
221
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,527
Don't wait for me to ask you,
"What'd he say?"
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00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,237
GARY:
Stop wasting my time.
223
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,072
MINGIE:
Don't get snooty with me, Gary!
224
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,032
GARY: I didn't say,
"Stop wasting my time."
225
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,075
Geraldo did!
226
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,493
What is going on here?
227
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,828
MINGIE: All right, Gary.
This isn't working.
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00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,746
Let's switch.
I'll listen and you talk.
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00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,251
- GARY: Hello?
- Who is this?
230
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:45,460
T-This is Gary.
231
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,129
Gary who?
What is your last name?
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00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,714
MINGIE:
Don't give away your name.
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00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:50,007
We don't want him knowing
who we are.
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00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,008
GARY:
All right. Look.
235
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:54,428
All you need to know is I'm
definitely not Oprah's asshole.
236
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:55,762
MINGIE:
Oh, you stupid twit!
237
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,723
GARY:
Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
238
00:09:57,848 --> 00:09:59,891
MINGIE: He didn't call you
a stupid twit. I did!
239
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:02,227
Now, just tell him this.
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00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,897
GARY: The writer of the book on
Oprah's "Book of the Month" club
241
00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,107
is a phony.
242
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,734
He's not a person at all.
243
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,402
He's a towel.
244
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,946
A towel?
A talking towel?
245
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,489
That doesn't make any sense.
246
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,949
MINGIE:
Tell him he'd be surprised
247
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:16,992
the things that can talk.
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00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,661
GARY: You'd be surprised
the things that can talk.
249
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:22,080
What proof do have
of this accusation?
250
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,958
GARY: Just look into the author
of "A Million Little Fibers,"
251
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,793
and you'll discover the truth.
252
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,211
And how do I go about that?
253
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:29,504
[ Click, dial tone ]
254
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,965
Hello?
Hello?!
255
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,927
- [ Mid-tempo music plays ]
- MAN: This is "Larry King Live."
256
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,764
My guest tonight
is Steven McTowelie,
257
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,433
author of the acclaimed book
"A Million Little Fibers."
258
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,101
How are you tonight, Steven?
259
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,771
Well, Larry, I'm a little high.
260
00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:48,190
Your book has helped
a lot of people beat addiction.
261
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,399
What made you write it?
262
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:53,153
Well, Larry, I was really just
writing down my memoirs as a --
263
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,947
What? What's that?
Oh, excuse me, Steven.
264
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:58,116
I understand that we have
a special report coming in.
265
00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,077
Joining us live
from Afghanistan,
266
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,703
here is Geraldo Rivera.
267
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,246
[ Static ]
268
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,791
Hello?
Larry, are you receiving me?
269
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:08,126
We're here, Geraldo.
You're live on the show.
270
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,545
Larry, this brave reporter
has spent days
271
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,172
investigating and researching,
272
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,424
and I have come up with
a shocking discovery
273
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:18,095
that is going to rock the balls
and ass of the literary world.
274
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,640
Steven McTowelie, author
of "A Million Little Fibers"...
275
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,309
is a to we I.
276
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,686
You're a towel!
277
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,896
No, you're a towel.
278
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,606
Well, you're a beaner towel.
279
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,899
What did you say?
280
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,610
I'm sorry.
I'm high.
281
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,070
This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
282
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,365
Your fans look to you to be
all-knowing and all-seeing,
283
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,616
and you've just spent two weeks
284
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,244
supporting a lying,
racist towel.
285
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,205
MINGIE: He did it, Gary!
Geraldo got the proof!
286
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,290
GARY:
Oprah's got egg all over face!
287
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:48,834
She'll have to retire!
288
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,002
MINGIE: It's the beginning
of a new life for us, Gar.
289
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,713
Without her career
to worry about,
290
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:54,840
Oprah's sure to travel
the world,
291
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,800
enjoy the finer things in life.
292
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,970
She'll spend hours just playing
with her ol' minge.
293
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,513
GARY:
And her Gary, too?
294
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,098
MINGIE:
Sure, and her Gary.
295
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,349
We did it, mate!
296
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,727
Oprah, we need to figure out
what we're going to do!
297
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,312
What's the big deal?
His book helped people.
298
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,565
Why does it matter
that he made some stuff up?
299
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,025
Are people really going to be
that mad?
300
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,194
[ Crowd shouting ]
301
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,242
Your book got me to give up
alcohol!
302
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,369
But I thought you were a person!
303
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,122
Yeah, we want our money back,
you dumb towel!
304
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,500
MEN:
No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
305
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,044
No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
306
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:36,465
Oh, God.
I'm really in trouble now.
307
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,258
[ Telephone rings ]
308
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,634
Hello?
309
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,094
Steven, it's Oprah.
310
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,513
Can you come on my show
again tomorrow?
311
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,306
Why?
312
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,183
We need to tell the audience
313
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:48,310
why you changed some
of the facts in your book,
314
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,146
that you thought it necessary
to heighten certain things
315
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,982
to make the book more relevant
to people.
316
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,151
Hey, yeah.
317
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,194
Just come on the show
318
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,112
and explain
in a very level-headed way
319
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,947
that changing some facts
shouldn't matter
320
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,074
if the book helps people, okay?
321
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,242
Okay!
322
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,287
Thanks, Oprah.
You're a real friend.
323
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,705
See you tomorrow!
324
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,333
All right.
I've got one chance here.
325
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,252
I need to focus and come up
with what I'm gonna say.
326
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,505
Maybe I should get
a little high.
327
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,839
No.
Wait a minute!
328
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,633
I'm not gonna get high
this time.
329
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:21,218
Aw, come on.
330
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:24,554
You need to come up with ideas
of what to say on "Oprah."
331
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,807
But the ideas I come up with
when I'm high
332
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,475
keep getting me in trouble.
333
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,771
Yeah, that's why you should
only get a little high.
334
00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:36,274
Well, maybe just a little high.
335
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:39,736
[ Up-tempo music plays,
crowd cheering ]
336
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,948
Today, my guest is once again
Steven McTowelie,
337
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,699
whose memoirs
many of you purchased
338
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,160
after I made it my
"Book of the Month" selection!
339
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,790
MINGIE: You hear that, Gary?
Nobody's applaudin'!
340
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,834
GARY: Yeah.
They're all right pissed off!
341
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,126
This is great!
342
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:58,088
Now, it turns out that your name
isn't really Steven.
343
00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,631
It's Towelie, correct?
344
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,715
Yeah.
345
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,300
And you a re a towel.
346
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,886
Yes, I'm pretty much a towel,
Oprah.
347
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,555
Can you explain to the audience
348
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,974
why you said
you weren't a towel before?
349
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,143
Well, Oprah, I was all, like...
350
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,313
Um...w-well, they're all like...
It's like...
351
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,399
Was it that you thought
embellishing the story
352
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,860
was okay if it helped people?
353
00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:21,570
Yeah!
Yeah, that's it!
354
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,154
Well, you know what I think,
Towelie?
355
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,950
I think you're a lying sack
shit.
356
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,451
[ Dramatic music plays ]
357
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,371
You lied to all these people,
and for what?
358
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,081
To make money!
359
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,792
They bought your book
thinking it was true!
360
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,335
- Yeah! That's right!
- Yeah.
361
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,545
But I thought you said --
362
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:42,048
How dare you lie to me
and make me look foolish?
363
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,384
MINGIE: What's this?
What's she doin'?!
364
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,177
GARY:
I don't understand, Mingie!
365
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,930
You think writing is a joke,
you stupid towel!
366
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,432
Yeah.
You -- You get him, Oprah!
367
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,683
ALL:
Yeah!
368
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,602
You will not get away with this.
369
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,770
MINGIE: She's getting everyone
back on her side!
370
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,439
Oh, the clever cow!
371
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,107
You lied to me, Towelie,
372
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,735
and therefore,
you have lied to America.
373
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,362
We are going to rise up
against you!
374
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,780
ALL:
Yeah!
375
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:09,743
Is this audience ready for
a good old-fashioned lynching?
376
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,369
ALL:
Yeah!
377
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,287
Huh?!
378
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,247
Audience, if you look
under your seats,
379
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:17,667
you'll find
your very own torches!
380
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,211
[Audience murmuring ]
381
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,548
GARY: Minge! Does this mean
I have to wait to see Paris?
382
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,300
MINGIE:
There's not gonna be any Paris.
383
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,968
Don't you get it, Gary?
384
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,262
The fat cow got everyone
on her side again!
385
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,097
She'll be working
more than ever now!
386
00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,350
- Our plan is ruined!
- GARY: No!
387
00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:35,977
We'll give you
a five-second head start!
388
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,312
One, two!
389
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,313
Aah!
390
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,522
Let's get him!
391
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,816
Burn him!
392
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,276
Burn the towel!
393
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,279
Burn that which lies to Oprah!
394
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,032
[ Dramatic music plays ]
395
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:51,284
[ Crowd shouting ]
396
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:55,789
[ Rattling ]
397
00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,917
Looks like your time is up,
Towelie!
398
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,753
I've lead my adoring fans
right to you!
399
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,714
- All right, Oprah!
- Yeah!
400
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,925
I've shown my fans that --
401
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,302
Ugh! Ow! Wha--
402
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,804
[ Gun cocks ]
403
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,056
MINGIE:
All right! Everyone back!
404
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,224
Get back, I said!
405
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,518
[ Crowd screaming ]
406
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,522
What the hell is this?
407
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,816
MINGIE:
Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
408
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,901
GARY:
Mingie! What are you doing?
409
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,404
MINGIE: We're getting out of
here, Gary, one way or another!
410
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,782
What is going on?
411
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,368
MINGIE: Shut up!
Shut up, you miserable old cow!
412
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,578
Or so help me,
I'll blow your brains out!
413
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,998
I want a chopper --
you got that? --
414
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,041
and a jet waiting
at the airport!
415
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,794
GARY:
Mingie, have you lost your mind?
416
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,004
MINGIE:
Come on, Gary.
417
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,131
You said you always
wanted to see Paris.
418
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:49,884
GARY: Not like this, Mingie.
Not like this!
419
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,428
All right.
The gig is up.
420
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,804
Just put down the gun.
421
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,014
MINGIE:
Stay back, mate!
422
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,598
Drop the gun and step away.
423
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:56,933
MINGIE:
I'm warning you!
424
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,643
- Put it down, I said!
- [ Gunshot ]
425
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,770
[ Groans ]
426
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,024
GARY:
Jesus, Minge! You killed him!
427
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,900
You shot him dead!
428
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,485
MINGIE:
No turning back now, Gary.
429
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,363
GARY: Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna be sick!
430
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,614
Keep your head, Gary!
431
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,701
GARY:
I can't. I'm gonna puke!
432
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,786
[ Vomits ]
433
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,913
MINGIE:
Oh, Gary, that smells awful.
434
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,457
Now I'm gonna throw up!
435
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:22,751
[ Vomiting ]
436
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:26,880
Try to leave,
and I'll shoot you, too!
437
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,715
You hostages aren't going
anywhere
438
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,175
until we get what we want!
439
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,135
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
440
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,846
You got us into this, towel.
Think of something!
441
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,098
All right.
I'm gonna get a little high.
442
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,935
No!
No, I'm not gonna get high!
443
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,520
Every time I get high,
444
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,273
I come up with ideas
that get me in more trouble.
445
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,692
I'm not getting high this time!
446
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,488
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
447
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,202
I'm standing in the business
district of central Chicago,
448
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,954
where Oprah's vagina
has killed a police officer
449
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,207
and taken several people
hostage.
450
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,792
It is yet unconfirmed
but believed
451
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:07,170
that Oprah's asshole may be
an accomplice in this as well.
452
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,549
We got the walkie-talkie
you asked for.
453
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,760
MINGIE:
Put it underneath me.
454
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,429
Slowly, mate!
Slowly!
455
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,764
Now back off.
456
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,476
All right, Gary.
Squeeze the walkie button.
457
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,603
- [ Click, static ]
- This is Oprah's minge.
458
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:26,272
Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson.
What are your demands?
459
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,317
MINGIE: I want a chopper
and a jet waiting at the airport
460
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,652
to take us to France.
461
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,612
Plus, we need some
fresh knickers right away.
462
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,990
All right. How about fresh
underwear for one hostage?
463
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,826
MINGIE: I'm not playing games
with you, mate!
464
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,786
Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
465
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,497
All right. We'll work on it.
Don't do anything foolish.
466
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,498
We don't have any time.
467
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,750
This is the most unstable vagina
I've ever talked to.
468
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,127
O'Reilly, you got a shot?
469
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,294
I got it.
470
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,506
Not with those hostages
so close!
471
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,549
It's too risky!
472
00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,676
GARY:
Just put down the gun, Mingie.
473
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,636
Maybe they'll go easy on us.
474
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,347
MINGIE: Don't be stupid, Gary.
I've killed a policeman.
475
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,142
They'll fry me
and lock you up for life.
476
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,978
GARY:
Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!
477
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,271
MINGIE: We're gonna get out
of here, mate.
478
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,355
Just leave it to me.
479
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,607
Oprah's vagina,
this is your last warning.
480
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,109
Put down the gun.
481
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:12,944
MINGIE: If that chopper
isn't here in two minutes,
482
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,904
I'm killing a hostage!
483
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,573
Hey.
Wait a minute.
484
00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:19,117
[ Dramatic music plays ]
485
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,375
Psst!
486
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,252
MINGIE:
I mean it!
487
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,754
Hostages are gonna start dyin'
if you don't listen!
488
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,592
Hostages are clear!
489
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,385
All right. That's it.
Take it out.
490
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:38,928
Aah!
491
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,680
MINGIE: What the...
[ Chuckles ]
492
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,640
You missed me,
you stupid buggers!
493
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:45,310
You see that, Gary?
They can't even aim!
494
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:48,146
GARY: [ Weakly ]
Min-- Mingie?
495
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,689
MINGIE:
Gary, what's -- what's wrong?
496
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,024
GARY:
They got me, Mingie.
497
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,193
MINGIE:
No. Oh, no!
498
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,154
GARY:
Oh. They got me bad.
499
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,780
Oh, the blood!
500
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,282
MINGIE:
Try to hang on, Gar!
501
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,201
GARY: [ Grunts ]
It's gettin' dark, Minge.
502
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,204
MINGIE: Oh, Gary.
What have I got you into?
503
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:07,457
GARY: I'm seeing my life
flash before me eyes.
504
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:08,917
Mingie?!
505
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,043
MINGIE:
I'm here, Gar!
506
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:12,545
GARY:
Where -- Where are we, Mingie?
507
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,380
Are we in Paris?
508
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,592
MINGIE: Yeah.
Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
509
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,720
GARY: [ Whimpers ]
Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
510
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,096
MINGIE:
I-It's beautiful.
511
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,514
[ Voice breaking ]
We finally made it.
512
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,516
GARY:
Tell me what you see, Mingie.
513
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:29,103
MINGIE: Well, there's the Eiffel
Tower right in front of us,
514
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,231
the Louvre right over there
behind you,
515
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,566
and fresh baguettes all around!
516
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:37,362
GARY: Ah.
I can smell 'em, Mingie.
517
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:40,949
At least I got to see Paris
before I...
518
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,284
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
519
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,661
MINGIE:
Gary?
520
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,162
Gary, say something!
521
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,122
GARY:
[ Farts ]
522
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,999
MINGIE:
You killed him, you bastards!
523
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,960
He didn't even want any part
in this!
524
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,295
This all your fault,
you stupid cow!
525
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:58,216
You never gave your ol' Gary the
time of day, and now he's gone!
526
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,093
Life ain't worth living anymore.
527
00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:01,719
What's the use?!
528
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,680
- I'm coming to see you, Gary!
- [ Gun cocks ]
529
00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:04,931
I'm coming to see you!
530
00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:06,724
No!
Don't!
531
00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,310
[ Gunshot ]
532
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,312
[ Siren wails ]
533
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,731
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
534
00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,236
Oprah's going to be okay.
535
00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:21,531
Wish I could say the same
for her vagina and asshole.
536
00:21:21,656 --> 00:21:22,991
That's a great idea you had
537
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,993
to sneak the hostages
inside the bank.
538
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:26,160
Yeah, it sure was.
539
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,663
We're sorry we tried to burn you
and murder you before.
540
00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,123
Oh, that's okay.
541
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:32,208
This whole thing was my fault.
542
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:37,797
I learned that I shouldn't
get high to come up with ideas.
543
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,215
I should come up with ideas
544
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,676
and then get high
to reward myself.
545
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,137
You said it!