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00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:12,013
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
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00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,681
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
3
00:00:13,806 --> 00:00:15,349
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
4
00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:18,561
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
5
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,271
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
6
00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,605
♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
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00:00:21,731 --> 00:00:25,109
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:28,362
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
9
00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:32,992
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
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[ Bell rings ]
11
00:00:36,412 --> 00:00:39,165
And so then I put my finger
up my butthole, right?
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And I walked up to Kelly Nelson,
13
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and I said,
"Do you smell lemongrass?"
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And she smelled my finger
and puked!
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[ Laughs ] Oh, God.
You should have been there.
16
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:49,341
Eric, I have to take you
to the principal's office.
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What?
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I didn't do it.
Kelly Nelson's a liar!
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I've been instructed to bring
you to the principal's office.
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00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:57,475
Oh, suck my balls,
you ginger Jew-rat hall monitor.
21
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Punk-ass stoolie.
22
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:00,019
Who the [bleep]
do you think you are?
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I'm just doing my job.
24
00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:02,354
[ Mockingly ]
"I'm just da-da-da-da!"
25
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:03,773
You know why you're
a hallway monitor?
26
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Because you don't have
any friends.
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You should kill yourself.
You should kill yourself!
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PRINCIPAL VICTORIA:
Eric Cartman,
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00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,696
report to the principal's office
immediately.
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Aw, God damn it!
31
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- [ Knock on door ]
- Come on in, Eric.
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00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,869
I'm sorry, Principal Victoria.
I didn't mean to do it.
33
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How could I have been
so foolish?
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Eric, the reason
we called you in here
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is because it is your turn to be
the school hallway monitor.
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The hall monit-- Me?
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You need to watch
for bad behavior
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and make sure anyone
in the halls during class
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has a hall pass, m'kay?
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If anyone doesn't, you have the
authority to bring them to me.
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Auth...
Authoritah?
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Now, Eric,
being the school hallway monitor
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is a big responsibility, m'kay?
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It is important
that you take the job seriously
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and that you don't abuse
the power.
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Me?
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[ Rock music plays ]
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CARTMAN: ♪ There's fear
and darkness all around you ♪
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00:01:55,199 --> 00:01:58,119
♪ The criminals are on the run ♪
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♪ No use in not having
your hall pass ♪
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♪ I'll take you
to the principal ♪
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♪ 'Cause I'm The Dawg ♪
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♪ I am The Dawg ♪
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♪ The big, bad Dawg ♪
55
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♪ The hallway monitor ♪
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- [ Laughs ]
- [ Tapping ]
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Hey, kid, get out of there.
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That's cool.
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I'm done making my video
anyways.
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[ Music continues ]
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Hall pass!
Show me your hall pass!
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What?
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[ Grunts ]
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You know what this is?!
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This is the mace
that they use on bears, faggot!
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Now, let me see your hall pass!
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It's right here!
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All right. Cool, brah.
Go with Christ.
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What? You can't just push me
up against the --
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- Aah!
- Aah!
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♪ I am The Dawg ♪
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♪ The big, b-- ♪
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Oh, my God.
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00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:52,173
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
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What the [bleep] is this?!
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00:02:55,134 --> 00:02:58,721
And so this shape
with four sides is what, class?
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Kwhyah!
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00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:03,809
Ike Broflovski?!
You littering my hallway, brah?!
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00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,269
What are you doing?
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00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,104
I found this in the hallway.
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00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:09,481
Apparently, your student Ike
has a crush on you.
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00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,442
You got a crush
on your teacher, brah?
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00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:12,776
Keep it out of my hallway.
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00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:13,777
Go with Christ.
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Here you go.
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I don't think
that's really necessary.
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Hey, I don't tell you
how to run your class.
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Don't tell me how to run
my hallway.
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♪ Ike has a crush on Teacher ♪
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ALL:
♪ Ike has a crush on Tea-cher ♪
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[ Laughter ]
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00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:29,043
That's enough, class.
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00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:30,085
[ Bell rings ]
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00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:32,796
Okay. We'll see you tomorrow,
everybody.
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00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:36,133
Ike, could you stay
just a few minutes, please?
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00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:42,514
Ike, I'm very flattered
by all of your love notes,
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00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,099
but I need to be clear.
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00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:47,019
There have been a lot of female
teachers on the news lately
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who have been having
relationships
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00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:52,900
with young male students, and...
people might get the wrong idea.
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00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:55,694
Even though I do admire you.
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00:03:55,819 --> 00:04:00,241
You are so smart and gifted,
so mature for your age.
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I don't like medicine.
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00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:07,081
You listen and you really care
about what I have to say.
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00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:11,210
You make me feel things
I've never felt before.
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00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,091
Ike, this is crazy.
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00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:18,592
I'm your teacher.
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00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:22,137
How can we be having
these feelings for each other?
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You're so mysterious.
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And I can't...
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And I can't...
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♪ And I can't fight this feeling
anymore ♪
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00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:40,447
♪ I've forgotten
what I started fighting for ♪
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♪ And if I have to crawl
upon the floor ♪
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00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:48,122
♪ Come crashing
through your door ♪
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00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:57,589
♪ Baby, I can't fight
this feeling anymore ♪
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00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,973
That was unbelievable.
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00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:09,101
I've never felt
like such a woman before.
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They'll say our love is wrong.
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00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:14,356
But we can't let anybody know.
They'll never understand.
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We were meant to be.
I know it.
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How else could sex be
that incredible?
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Ike made a no-no.
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[ Zipper opens ]
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♪ Hey, there, Mr. Wiener,
what do you know? ♪
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00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:34,918
♪ Do you need to
tinkle-tinkle? ♪
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00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:36,712
♪ "Yes, I do think so!" ♪
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00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:37,713
Hands!
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- Let me see those hands!
- Aah!
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00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:41,383
Where's your pass?!
Show me your hall pass, brah!
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00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,052
It's -- It's -- I just had it!
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I knew it!
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[ Grunting ]
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00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,766
[ Handcuffs click ]
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Look, brah,
I had to bring you in,
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but I don't have any hard
feelings against you, all right?
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00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,939
- Huh?
- Here. You need a smoke, brah?
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00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:57,107
Uh, okay.
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00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,653
You got to give yourself over
to Christ, brah.
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00:06:01,779 --> 00:06:03,072
I do?
[ Coughs ]
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00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,156
Jesus is Lord.
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00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:05,491
You can go one direction
in life,
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00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,618
where you just walk around
hallways without a hall pass,
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00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:09,161
or you can see the light, brah.
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[ Coughs ]
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00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:14,583
Kyle, I need you to go get
your brother
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- over at his teacher's house.
- Huh?
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00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:17,669
Tell his teacher I'm sorry,
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00:06:17,795 --> 00:06:20,172
but I forgot that he has
a doctor's appointment today.
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00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:21,965
What's he doing
at his teacher's house?
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00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:25,260
He's been going there in the
afternoons for private tutoring.
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♪ Sky rockets in flight ♪
153
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♪ Afternoon delight ♪
154
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:35,854
- ♪ A-A-A-Afternoon delight ♪
- Hello?
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00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,689
Excuse me?
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00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:39,233
I'm here to pick up Ike.
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00:06:39,358 --> 00:06:41,693
♪ A-A-A-Afternoon delight ♪
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00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,779
Uh, hello?
Is Ike here?
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00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,739
[ Woman laughing ]
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00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:47,533
- ♪ Afternoon delight ♪
- Hello?
161
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- [ Screams ]
- Oh, God! I'm sorry!
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00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,537
I didn't mean to --
I-I was looking for my brother!
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Ike?
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What the hell is going on?
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00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:03,173
Oh, what's the use, Ike?
We're caught.
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00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:06,427
Hold on. Please!
You don't understand!
167
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,470
Really?
What's there not to understand?
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00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:11,807
Your brother and I...
are in love.
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00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,643
He's a little young,
don't you think?
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00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,186
Oh!
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00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,814
Ike is very mature for his age,
and you know it.
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00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,858
Ring around the rosie!
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00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:23,193
He makes me feel
like nobody else does.
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00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,028
He loves me and only me.
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And I know I am a goddess
to him.
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00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,699
When we make love,
he can give it to me hard
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00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,451
- or soft and gentle --
- All right!
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00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:31,827
We're getting
the hell out of here.
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00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,579
[ Whining ]
Lo-la-Io-la-nah.
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00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:35,914
Ike, you can't possibly
want this.
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00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,082
We have to tell Mom.
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00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,334
[ Sobs ]
183
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:40,377
Ike!
184
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:44,006
Is it so hard to believe
that true love exists?
185
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,676
This is nuts.
186
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:55,350
Mom, Dad, have you ever met
Ike's kindergarten teacher?
187
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,021
Miss Stevenson?
Yes. She's very nice.
188
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,231
Yeah.
Well, she likes Ike a whole lot.
189
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,274
That's great.
190
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:04,651
Yeah, except it's maybe
not perfectly great,
191
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:07,070
because to some degree, Ike
and Miss Stevenson are having --
192
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:08,071
Spider-man!
193
00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:10,115
I'm spaceman!
194
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,784
Yes, Ike.
You like Spider-man, don't you?
195
00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:17,247
Mom, there might be something
that you should look into
196
00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:18,832
about Ike staying after school
all the time --
197
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,834
Waah!
Punkin.
198
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,879
Mommy, I love you.
I love you.
199
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,048
Mommy loves you, too, sweetie.
200
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,009
Would you excuse us
for a second?
201
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,429
You can't just expect me
to sit there and say nothing.
202
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:35,098
No, Ike. I'm supposed to be
looking out for you -- What?
203
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:36,558
I wasn't gonna just
blurt it out.
204
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,852
I was gonna use some tact, but
you won't even let me -- what?
205
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,605
Nuh-unh!
That's not fair, Ike.
206
00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,818
Mom, I think maybe
you should talk to Ike
207
00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:47,903
about love and sex.
208
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:51,031
Sex? Oh, boubbie,
Ike is much too young.
209
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,204
- You're so full of crap, Foley.
- What?
210
00:08:57,329 --> 00:09:00,165
I did shoot him in the face --
twice!
211
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,292
Ex-- Excuse me?
212
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,503
My name is...Brad.
213
00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:07,506
And I-I need to report
a crime -- anonymously.
214
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,091
Oh?
What's the crime?
215
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,051
Well, I attend
South Park Elementary,
216
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:14,513
a-and one of the teachers
is having sex with a student.
217
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:16,765
- Oh, my God!
- Get a name!
218
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,642
- Did you hear what he said?!
- This is terrible.
219
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,103
Y-You did the right thing
telling the police, Brad.
220
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,021
Now, who is the teacher?
What's his name?
221
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,898
Well, it isn't a guy teacher.
It's a woman.
222
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,275
- A woman?
- Yeah.
223
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,318
She's having sex with a boy.
224
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,237
Oh, but --
but she's ugly, right?
225
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,154
Well, no, not really.
226
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,823
It's the kindergarten teacher,
Miss Stevenson.
227
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,575
- The blonde?
- Yeah.
228
00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,035
Some young boy is having sex
with Miss Stevenson?
229
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,036
Yes.
230
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,247
Nice.
231
00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:41,456
Nice.
232
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,333
What?
No. You don't understand --
233
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:44,793
You sure they've had sex?
234
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,794
Yeah.
235
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,504
Has she performed oral sex
on him?
236
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,339
I think so.
237
00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,257
Nice.
238
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,383
Nice.
239
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,634
Nice.
240
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,595
So wait.
W-What's the crime?
241
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,388
The crime is she isn't doing it
with me.
242
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,307
[ Laughter ]
243
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,183
Hey!
He's totally underage!
244
00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:01,810
She's taking advantage of him!
245
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,605
You're right. We're sorry.
This is serious.
246
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,356
We need to track
this student down
247
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:09,359
and give him his Luckiest Boy
in America medal right away.
248
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,820
[ Laughter ]
249
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,697
Aah!
250
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,159
[ Bell rings ]
251
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:20,829
Guys, can I talk to you?
252
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:21,830
Sure, dude.
253
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,749
I need you to keep quiet
about this, all right?
254
00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:24,833
My little brother and his te--
255
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,335
Brahs, it's almost class time,
256
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,420
I need you to start clearing
the hallways, all right?
257
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:31,256
Not now, Cartman.
I have really serious problems.
258
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:32,507
Dude, what's the matter?
259
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,092
The kindergarten teacher
is having sex
260
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,886
with my little brother.
261
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,972
- Wow.
- Mrph?
262
00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:40,891
Damn, brah. Your little brother
is pretty cool.
263
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,059
It's not cool.
264
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,602
Ike isn't old enough
to understand!
265
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:44,603
What's to understand?
266
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,355
You get a boner,
slap her titties around some,
267
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,774
and then stick it inside her
and pee.
268
00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:52,486
"Stick it inside her and pee."
269
00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:54,988
Well, okay. Fine. Unless you
don't want to get her pregnant.
270
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,823
Then you pull it out
and pee on her leg.
271
00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,158
Dude, I really don't see
a problem.
272
00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,618
Yeah, I've got bigger things
to deal with.
273
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:00,619
You guys don't understand!
274
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,454
His wacko teacher
is like a schoolgirl.
275
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,164
They pass notes to each other
in the classroom.
276
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,791
They have sex at her house
over lunch break,
277
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:08,877
and during class they sneak out
and kiss in the hallways!
278
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:10,754
They what?
279
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,340
They sneak out during class
and make out in the hallways.
280
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:14,508
Hang on a second.
281
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:17,052
Making out in the hallways is
strictly against school policy.
282
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,304
- Well, they're doing it.
- Yeah. Well, now it's personal.
283
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:20,972
The hallways
are my jurisdiction.
284
00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:22,808
If there's a hallway infraction
going on,
285
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:25,352
they're gonna have to deal with
The Dawg.
286
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:29,064
Okay. Just continue
with your macaroni pictures.
287
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,316
Teacher has to step out
for a second.
288
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,735
Uh, Ike,
could you help me out, please?
289
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:37,197
Oh, Ike.
290
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,408
I just had to have
a second alone with you.
291
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,368
I like baba better.
292
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:43,954
I got your love letter,
and I wrote you one back.
293
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,915
Oh, just one kiss to hold me
over for the rest of class.
294
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:49,918
Hall infraction!
295
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,629
Oh, uh, we were just
heading back in.
296
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:53,797
You got a hall pass, brah?!
297
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,299
I don't need a hall pass.
I'm a teacher.
298
00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:57,759
Yeah?
Well, where's his hall pass?
299
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,052
Look.
Just let us get back in --
300
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,262
Get down on the floor!
301
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,847
We're going back inside!
302
00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:03,473
You like bear mace, ice head?!
303
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:04,683
Bear mace?!
304
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:06,309
You're going with Christ!
305
00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,103
Aah!
306
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,522
And that's what I got,
principal brah.
307
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,816
These two were in the hallways,
making out.
308
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,651
She had those love letters
on her person.
309
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,529
"Ike, I long to feel
your arms around me"?
310
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:18,739
Miss Stevenson,
311
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:21,324
y-you're having a relationship
with this student?
312
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:24,494
Yes. During class time,
without a hall pass.
313
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:25,996
This is unbelievable.
314
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,999
I know. It's like a hall pass
doesn't even matter to her.
315
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:32,169
Miss Stevenson, I will need to
inform the police.
316
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:33,295
Oh, God.
317
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:36,006
You just dealt with The Dawg,
bitch.
318
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:37,841
[ Sirens wailing ]
319
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,259
[ Shutters clicking ]
320
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:43,472
Sorry we have to do this,
but the lady principal insisted.
321
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,348
What's going on?
322
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:48,018
The kindergarten teacher
is suspected of having sex
323
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:49,019
with a student.
324
00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:50,562
With a student?
325
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,564
But...she's a woman.
326
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,441
Yeah.
I know.
327
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:57,319
But...she's hot.
328
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,988
Wow.
I think I owe you one, Cartman.
329
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,116
You don't owe me anything.
My hallways are clean.
330
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,833
Ike, I didn't tell on you.
331
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,668
You got busted
by the hallway monitor.
332
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:16,880
Okay. Okay.
333
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,548
I did have something
to do with it.
334
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,926
But someday you're gonna realize
it was for the best.
335
00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:24,095
You are dead to me.
336
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:25,639
What?
337
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:29,434
I said you're dead to me.
338
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:31,478
I'm dead to you?
339
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:34,564
You're dead to me, Kyle.
340
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:37,317
I'm at the police station.
341
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,027
They say they found
some evidence.
342
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,529
I'm so scared!
343
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:44,449
Listen.
I want you to know it's okay.
344
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:47,911
If anybody tries to talk to you,
you don't need to say anything.
345
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:52,165
Just leave it to me.
I know a way out of this.
346
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,710
Tom, an elementary school
teacher is under arrest
347
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:59,381
for allegedly having an affair
with one of her young students.
348
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:02,384
The case is shocking
due mostly to the fact
349
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,095
that the teacher is pretty hot,
Tom.
350
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,639
If the accusations are true,
then...
351
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:08,765
Damn.
352
00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,517
Uh, it looks like the defendant
and her lawyer
353
00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,018
are about to give a statement,
Tom.
354
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,230
I am deeply sorry to announce
355
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,774
that the allegations against me
are true.
356
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,401
Over the past several weeks,
357
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,820
I have been having
physical relations
358
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,864
with one of my students.
359
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,575
Nice.
360
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,034
Nice.
361
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:31,913
I know my actions were wrong,
but I can not be fully to blame.
362
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:35,542
You see...I am an alcoholic.
363
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,586
Ohh.
364
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,588
Yes, I'm afraid it's true.
365
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,506
- Oh, no!
- What?
366
00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:42,507
I don't believe it.
367
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,968
She's using
the Mel Gibson defense.
368
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:48,763
I am a perfectly good person,
but when I drink
369
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:53,059
the alcohol makes me say and do
things I wouldn't normally do.
370
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:54,519
Well, that explains it.
371
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,062
Do we still press charges?
372
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,814
Who are we gonna convict --
Johnnie Walker?
373
00:14:57,939 --> 00:14:59,524
Poor woman.
She's a victim.
374
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:01,776
Yeah.
She's a hot victim.
375
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:06,364
My client has agreed to check
herself into rehab immediately.
376
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:07,699
[ Cheers and applause ]
377
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,409
- Yeah!
- Good luck, ma'am!
378
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:11,077
You can beat your alcoholism!
379
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:12,704
[ Cheers and applause ]
380
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:15,707
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
381
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:22,923
Alcohol is a crutch, which we
use to medicate ourselves,
382
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:26,051
to -- to cover up
emotional baggage from our past.
383
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:29,554
Was there ever a history
of sexual abuse in your family?
384
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:32,974
No, but my Uncle used to ask me
and my twin sister to kiss
385
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,809
and he'd take pictures.
386
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,104
Nice.
387
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,690
Congratulations, Miss Stevenson.
388
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,193
All better now!
389
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,905
[ Engine starts ]
390
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,032
[ Music continues ]
391
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:55,413
Ike!
392
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,707
Miss Stevenson!
393
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,543
Ike, we have to get out of here.
394
00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:02,295
They'll never
let us be together.
395
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,965
I think...
I think we should go to Milan,
396
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,716
like we always talked about.
397
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,719
Yay!
Milan!
398
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:13,306
Get your things together.
We don't have much time.
399
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:17,519
[ Banging ]
400
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:19,646
Ike, you okay?
401
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:22,107
- [ Dramatic music plays ]
- Ike?
402
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,567
Ike!
403
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:32,200
Are you sure you're not lying,
Foley?
404
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,284
No!
Really!
405
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:36,496
I shot both of them!
They weren't even doin' nothing!
406
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:38,540
Help! Please!
I need your help!
407
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:39,708
That teacher, Miss Stevenson,
408
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,501
she --
she's left town with my son!
409
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,628
I got a note saying
they're going to Milan!
410
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:44,963
You're kidding.
411
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,548
- No! It's true!
- Damn it!
412
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,467
Where were all these sexed-up
teachers when I was a kid?!
413
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,011
This is serious!
414
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:53,972
Yeah. A boy is going to Milan
with a beautiful older woman.
415
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,598
Quick.
Call the FBI.
416
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:57,267
[ Laughter ]
417
00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:58,768
Are you going to do nothing?!
418
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:00,854
All right. All right.
We'll make a report.
419
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:02,439
Jesus.
420
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:06,192
There you are.
What are doing?
421
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,610
You giving up, brah?
422
00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:10,030
Dude, my brother's in Milan.
There's nothing I can do.
423
00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:11,156
No.
They haven't left yet.
424
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:12,991
Their flight
is tomorrow morning.
425
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:14,159
How do you know that?
426
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:16,661
I had Beth check out
their Travelocity account.
427
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,747
- Who's Beth?
- Beth is my bitch.
428
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,415
I've put a whole crew together,
brah.
429
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,083
I'm gonna get that
hallway-defiling slut
430
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,084
no matter what it takes.
431
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,003
Are you in?
432
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,297
[ Rock music plays ]
433
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,799
CARTMAN: ♪ I got
some bad-ass guys to help me ♪
434
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:33,011
♪ I only had to pay them
15 bucks ♪
435
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:36,598
♪ You think you got away
with not having a hall pass ♪
436
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:40,643
♪ You won't get away from me,
'cause I'm The Dawg ♪
437
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,103
♪ I am The Dawg ♪
438
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,230
♪ The big, bad Dawg ♪
439
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,191
Think you can get away
with not having a hall pass?
440
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,525
Think again.
441
00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,153
How was that, Butters?
442
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,405
That was pretty good!
443
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,032
Can we get going now, please?
444
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:55,533
Yep.
We're all done with the video.
445
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:56,701
Let's move out!
446
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:03,208
Ike, is that all you're gonna do
is watch TV?
447
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,960
I love TV.
Yay!
448
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,670
But what about me?
449
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:10,006
I want to talk.
450
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,217
[ Laughter on television ]
451
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,968
Everyone get a good look
at our fugitive.
452
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,678
I want her taken down fast
and clean.
453
00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:16,679
She ran away.
454
00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:20,100
Now she got to deal with
The Dawg, huh?
455
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:23,228
Beth found out they have a room
at the Airport Hilton.
456
00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:24,854
We need to search it.
457
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:25,855
Here's the hotel!
458
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:28,108
Beth, tell Leeroy
to pull up here.
459
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:30,318
[ Dramatic music plays ]
460
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,070
All right! Let's go!
Move out!
461
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,905
Hey. You can't leave
your car there.
462
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,032
It's okay.
I'm a hallway monitor.
463
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,535
Keep separation.
Leeroy, check out our 20.
464
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:39,661
Can I help you?
465
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,830
You seen this woman, brah?
She's staying here.
466
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:43,206
Who are you?
467
00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:44,707
♪ I am The Dawg ♪
468
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,668
♪ The big, bad Dawg ♪
469
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,420
I think you should leave
before I call the police.
470
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:50,880
Beth, bear-mace that guy!
471
00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,340
Aah!
472
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,508
Let's check out the rooms!
473
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,885
Leeroy and Kyle, go that way!
Beth, you come with me!
474
00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:58,763
We need police here right away!
475
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:02,350
Yes?
476
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,227
I'm looking for this teacher.
She in your room, brah?
477
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,104
Do you mind keeping it down?
478
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:07,397
Keep your mouth shut, brah!
479
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:09,816
[ Sirens wailing ]
480
00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:14,571
Oh, no.
Ike, they're onto us!
481
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,197
Oh, no!
482
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,700
Hurry, darling.
We have to get out of here.
483
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:19,742
What have we got?!
What have we got?!
484
00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:22,579
- Who called 911?
- They went that way!
485
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,831
Look out!
They have bear mace!
486
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:28,251
Open up!
I'm with The Dawg!
487
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,377
Oh, crap!
488
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,796
- You freeze right there!
- [ Gun cocks ]
489
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,884
Come on, darling.
490
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,302
Hey!
491
00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:40,471
I got 'em, Dawg.
Fifth floor.
492
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,056
Praise Christ!
Let's go!
493
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,766
Ike, run!
494
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:45,560
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
495
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,770
Beth, bear-mace that guy!
And that guy!
496
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:50,106
- Aah!
- Aah! Aah!
497
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:56,196
Freeze, bitch!
498
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,488
- Freeze!
- Hands up! Hands up!
499
00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:58,907
Don't move!
Don't move!
500
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,326
It's all right.
There's been a misunderstanding.
501
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,161
I'm a hall monitor.
502
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:06,164
This fugitive is trying to avoid
a hallway infraction
503
00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:07,790
by skipping off to Milan.
504
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:11,669
Hey, that is the teacher
we just got the report about.
505
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:13,922
All right, Miss Stevenson.
You've got nowhere to go.
506
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:16,132
Why couldn't you
just leave us alone?
507
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,551
- All we wanted was to love.
- Get down!
508
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:21,095
We can do this the easy way
or we can do it Dawg style.
509
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:25,391
She got a scarf on her head,
huh?
510
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:29,437
It's all over, Ike --
Milan, the house in Tuscany.
511
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,356
They'll never let us
be together.
512
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:34,359
We have to go
with the backup plan.
513
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,656
Now, hold on.
Don't do anything foolish.
514
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,449
We can talk about this.
515
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:44,077
You can't accept our love,
516
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:47,038
so then we can only be together
in eternity.
517
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,374
No!
Ike, don't do it.
518
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,126
Dinosaur funny bad bad.
519
00:20:52,252 --> 00:20:53,586
Ike, please.
520
00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:56,005
I know your first love
seems like the only love.
521
00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:57,507
But trust me, it's not.
522
00:20:57,632 --> 00:20:59,175
You have so much life
ahead of you.
523
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:04,681
You, who don't believe
in true love, don't understand.
524
00:21:04,806 --> 00:21:06,557
Ike, you need to have a life.
525
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:07,725
Have fun.
526
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,019
Then ruin it by having
a serious relationship.
527
00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:12,063
[ Dramatic music plays ]
528
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,274
I'm afraid you're too late.
529
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:16,901
Are you ready, my love?
Here we go.
530
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,778
One! Two! Three!
531
00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:21,030
Aah!
532
00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:22,407
Ike?
533
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,786
Yay!
534
00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:28,371
Ike!
535
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:32,292
Well, looks like once again
The Dawg has prevailed.
536
00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:33,626
I hope you've learned, kids,
537
00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:35,128
that if you don't go
with Christ,
538
00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:36,879
you could end up
just like that splattered bitch
539
00:21:37,005 --> 00:21:38,047
down on the pavement.
540
00:21:38,172 --> 00:21:40,341
Hey, kid, you need to
get off the roof now.
541
00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:43,261
That's cool. I'm done making
my video anyways.
542
00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:44,929
[ Static ]