♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
[ Bell rings ]
And so then I put my finger up my butthole, right?
And I walked up to Kelly Nelson,
and I said, "Do you smell lemongrass?"
And she smelled my finger and puked!
[ Laughs ] Oh, God. You should have been there.
Eric, I have to take you to the principal's office.
What?
I didn't do it. Kelly Nelson's a liar!
I've been instructed to bring you to the principal's office.
Oh, suck my balls, you ginger Jew-rat hall monitor.
Punk-ass stoolie.
Who the [bleep] do you think you are?
I'm just doing my job.
[ Mockingly ] "I'm just da-da-da-da!"
You know why you're a hallway monitor?
Because you don't have any friends.
You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Eric Cartman,
report to the principal's office immediately.
Aw, God damn it!
- [ Knock on door ] - Come on in, Eric.
I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. I didn't mean to do it.
How could I have been so foolish?
Eric, the reason we called you in here
is because it is your turn to be the school hallway monitor.
The hall monit-- Me?
You need to watch for bad behavior
and make sure anyone in the halls during class
has a hall pass, m'kay?
If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to bring them to me.
Auth... Authoritah?
Now, Eric, being the school hallway monitor
is a big responsibility, m'kay?
It is important that you take the job seriously
and that you don't abuse the power.
Me?
[ Rock music plays ]
CARTMAN: ♪ There's fear and darkness all around you ♪
♪ The criminals are on the run ♪
♪ No use in not having your hall pass ♪
♪ I'll take you to the principal ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm The Dawg ♪
♪ I am The Dawg ♪
♪ The big, bad Dawg ♪
♪ The hallway monitor ♪
- [ Laughs ] - [ Tapping ]
Hey, kid, get out of there.
That's cool.
I'm done making my video anyways.
[ Music continues ]
Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
What?
[ Grunts ]
You know what this is?!
This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot!
Now, let me see your hall pass!
It's right here!
All right. Cool, brah. Go with Christ.
What? You can't just push me up against the --
- Aah! - Aah!
♪ I am The Dawg ♪
♪ The big, b-- ♪
Oh, my God.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
What the [bleep] is this?!
And so this shape with four sides is what, class?
Kwhyah!
Ike Broflovski?! You littering my hallway, brah?!
What are you doing?
I found this in the hallway.
Apparently, your student Ike has a crush on you.
You got a crush on your teacher, brah?
Keep it out of my hallway.
Go with Christ.
Here you go.
I don't think that's really necessary.
Hey, I don't tell you how to run your class.
Don't tell me how to run my hallway.
♪ Ike has a crush on Teacher ♪
ALL: ♪ Ike has a crush on Tea-cher ♪
[ Laughter ]
That's enough, class.
[ Bell rings ]
Okay. We'll see you tomorrow, everybody.
Ike, could you stay just a few minutes, please?
Ike, I'm very flattered by all of your love notes,
but I need to be clear.
There have been a lot of female teachers on the news lately
who have been having relationships
with young male students, and... people might get the wrong idea.
Even though I do admire you.
You are so smart and gifted, so mature for your age.
I don't like medicine.
You listen and you really care about what I have to say.
You make me feel things I've never felt before.
Ike, this is crazy.
I'm your teacher.
How can we be having these feelings for each other?
You're so mysterious.
And I can't...
♪ And I can't fight this feeling anymore ♪
♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for ♪
♪ And if I have to crawl upon the floor ♪
♪ Come crashing through your door ♪
♪ Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore ♪
That was unbelievable.
I've never felt like such a woman before.
They'll say our love is wrong.
But we can't let anybody know. They'll never understand.
We were meant to be. I know it.
How else could sex be that incredible?
Ike made a no-no.
[ Zipper opens ]
♪ Hey, there, Mr. Wiener, what do you know? ♪
♪ Do you need to tinkle-tinkle? ♪
♪ "Yes, I do think so!" ♪
Hands!
- Let me see those hands! - Aah!
Where's your pass?! Show me your hall pass, brah!
It's -- It's -- I just had it!
I knew it!
[ Grunting ]
[ Handcuffs click ]
Look, brah, I had to bring you in,
but I don't have any hard feelings against you, all right?
- Huh? - Here. You need a smoke, brah?
Uh, okay.
You got to give yourself over to Christ, brah.
I do? [ Coughs ]
Jesus is Lord.
You can go one direction in life,
where you just walk around hallways without a hall pass,
or you can see the light, brah.
[ Coughs ]
Kyle, I need you to go get your brother
- over at his teacher's house. - Huh?
Tell his teacher I'm sorry,
but I forgot that he has a doctor's appointment today.
What's he doing at his teacher's house?
He's been going there in the afternoons for private tutoring.
♪ Sky rockets in flight ♪
♪ Afternoon delight ♪
- ♪ A-A-A-Afternoon delight ♪ - Hello?
Excuse me?
I'm here to pick up Ike.
♪ A-A-A-Afternoon delight ♪
Uh, hello? Is Ike here?
[ Woman laughing ]
- ♪ Afternoon delight ♪ - Hello?
- [ Screams ] - Oh, God! I'm sorry!
I didn't mean to -- I-I was looking for my brother!
Ike?
What the hell is going on?
Oh, what's the use, Ike? We're caught.
Hold on. Please! You don't understand!
Really? What's there not to understand?
Your brother and I... are in love.
He's a little young, don't you think?
Oh!
Ike is very mature for his age, and you know it.
Ring around the rosie!
He makes me feel like nobody else does.
He loves me and only me.
And I know I am a goddess to him.
When we make love, he can give it to me hard
- or soft and gentle -- - All right!
We're getting the hell out of here.
[ Whining ] Lo-la-Io-la-nah.
Ike, you can't possibly want this.
We have to tell Mom.
[ Sobs ]
Ike!
Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
This is nuts.
Mom, Dad, have you ever met Ike's kindergarten teacher?
Miss Stevenson? Yes. She's very nice.
Yeah. Well, she likes Ike a whole lot.
That's great.
Yeah, except it's maybe not perfectly great,
because to some degree, Ike and Miss Stevenson are having --
Spider-man!
I'm spaceman!
Yes, Ike. You like Spider-man, don't you?
Mom, there might be something that you should look into
about Ike staying after school all the time --
Waah! Punkin.
Mommy, I love you. I love you.
Mommy loves you, too, sweetie.
Would you excuse us for a second?
You can't just expect me to sit there and say nothing.
No, Ike. I'm supposed to be looking out for you -- What?
I wasn't gonna just blurt it out.
I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me -- what?
Nuh-unh! That's not fair, Ike.
Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike
about love and sex.
Sex? Oh, boubbie, Ike is much too young.
- You're so full of crap, Foley. - What?
I did shoot him in the face -- twice!
Ex-- Excuse me?
My name is...Brad.
And I-I need to report a crime -- anonymously.
Oh? What's the crime?
Well, I attend South Park Elementary,
a-and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
- Oh, my God! - Get a name!
- Did you hear what he said?! - This is terrible.
Y-You did the right thing telling the police, Brad.
Now, who is the teacher? What's his name?
Well, it isn't a guy teacher. It's a woman.
- A woman? - Yeah.
She's having sex with a boy.
Oh, but -- but she's ugly, right?
Well, no, not really.
It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stevenson.
- The blonde? - Yeah.
Some young boy is having sex with Miss Stevenson?
Yes.
Nice.
What? No. You don't understand --
You sure they've had sex?
Yeah.
Has she performed oral sex on him?
I think so.
Nice.
So wait. W-What's the crime?
The crime is she isn't doing it with me.
[ Laughter ]
Hey! He's totally underage!
She's taking advantage of him!
You're right. We're sorry. This is serious.
We need to track this student down
and give him his Luckiest Boy in America medal right away.
[ Laughter ]
Aah!
[ Bell rings ]
Guys, can I talk to you?
Sure, dude.
I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
My little brother and his te--
Brahs, it's almost class time,
I need you to start clearing the hallways, all right?
Not now, Cartman. I have really serious problems.
Dude, what's the matter?
The kindergarten teacher is having sex
with my little brother.
- Wow. - Mrph?
Damn, brah. Your little brother is pretty cool.
It's not cool.
Ike isn't old enough to understand!
What's to understand?
You get a boner, slap her titties around some,
and then stick it inside her and pee.
"Stick it inside her and pee."
Well, okay. Fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant.
Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with.
You guys don't understand!
His wacko teacher is like a schoolgirl.
They pass notes to each other in the classroom.
They have sex at her house over lunch break,
and during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!
They what?
They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.
Hang on a second.
Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
- Well, they're doing it. - Yeah. Well, now it's personal.
The hallways are my jurisdiction.
If there's a hallway infraction going on,
they're gonna have to deal with The Dawg.
Okay. Just continue with your macaroni pictures.
Teacher has to step out for a second.
Uh, Ike, could you help me out, please?
Oh, Ike.
I just had to have a second alone with you.
I like baba better.
I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back.
Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class.
Hall infraction!
Oh, uh, we were just heading back in.
You got a hall pass, brah?!
I don't need a hall pass. I'm a teacher.
Yeah? Well, where's his hall pass?
Look. Just let us get back in --
Get down on the floor!
We're going back inside!
You like bear mace, ice head?!
Bear mace?!
You're going with Christ!
Aah!
And that's what I got, principal brah.
These two were in the hallways, making out.
She had those love letters on her person.
"Ike, I long to feel your arms around me"?
Miss Stevenson,
y-you're having a relationship with this student?
Yes. During class time, without a hall pass.
This is unbelievable.
I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.
Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.
Oh, God.
You just dealt with The Dawg, bitch.
[ Sirens wailing ]
[ Shutters clicking ]
Sorry we have to do this, but the lady principal insisted.
What's going on?
The kindergarten teacher is suspected of having sex
with a student.
With a student?
But...she's a woman.
Yeah. I know.
But...she's hot.
Wow. I think I owe you one, Cartman.
You don't owe me anything. My hallways are clean.
Ike, I didn't tell on you.
You got busted by the hallway monitor.
Okay. Okay.
I did have something to do with it.
But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best.
You are dead to me.
What?
I said you're dead to me.
I'm dead to you?
You're dead to me, Kyle.
I'm at the police station.
They say they found some evidence.
I'm so scared!
Listen. I want you to know it's okay.
If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything.
Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this.
Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest
for allegedly having an affair with one of her young students.
The case is shocking due mostly to the fact
that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom.
If the accusations are true, then...
Damn.
Uh, it looks like the defendant and her lawyer
are about to give a statement, Tom.
I am deeply sorry to announce
that the allegations against me are true.
Over the past several weeks,
I have been having physical relations
with one of my students.
Nice.
I know my actions were wrong, but I can not be fully to blame.
You see...I am an alcoholic.
Ohh.
Yes, I'm afraid it's true.
- Oh, no! - What?
I don't believe it.
She's using the Mel Gibson defense.
I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink
the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
Well, that explains it.
Do we still press charges?
Who are we gonna convict -- Johnnie Walker?
Poor woman. She's a victim.
Yeah. She's a hot victim.
My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately.
[ Cheers and applause ]
- Yeah! - Good luck, ma'am!
You can beat your alcoholism!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
Alcohol is a crutch, which we use to medicate ourselves,
to -- to cover up emotional baggage from our past.
Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?
No, but my Uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss
and he'd take pictures.
Nice.
Congratulations, Miss Stevenson.
All better now!
[ Engine starts ]
[ Music continues ]
Ike!
Miss Stevenson!
Ike, we have to get out of here.
They'll never let us be together.
I think... I think we should go to Milan,
like we always talked about.
Yay! Milan!
Get your things together. We don't have much time.
[ Banging ]
Ike, you okay?
- [ Dramatic music plays ] - Ike?
Ike!
Are you sure you're not lying, Foley?
No! Really!
I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothing!
Help! Please! I need your help!
That teacher, Miss Stevenson,
she -- she's left town with my son!
I got a note saying they're going to Milan!
You're kidding.
- No! It's true! - Damn it!
Where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!
This is serious!
Yeah. A boy is going to Milan with a beautiful older woman.
Quick. Call the FBI.
[ Laughter ]
Are you going to do nothing?!
All right. All right. We'll make a report.
Jesus.
There you are. What are doing?
You giving up, brah?
Dude, my brother's in Milan. There's nothing I can do.
No. They haven't left yet.
Their flight is tomorrow morning.
How do you know that?
I had Beth check out their Travelocity account.
- Who's Beth? - Beth is my bitch.
I've put a whole crew together, brah.
I'm gonna get that hallway-defiling slut
no matter what it takes.
Are you in?
[ Rock music plays ]
CARTMAN: ♪ I got some bad-ass guys to help me ♪
♪ I only had to pay them 15 bucks ♪
♪ You think you got away with not having a hall pass ♪
♪ You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm The Dawg ♪
♪ I am The Dawg ♪
♪ The big, bad Dawg ♪
Think you can get away with not having a hall pass?
Think again.
How was that, Butters?
That was pretty good!
Can we get going now, please?
Yep. We're all done with the video.
Let's move out!
Ike, is that all you're gonna do is watch TV?
I love TV. Yay!
But what about me?
I want to talk.
[ Laughter on television ]
Everyone get a good look at our fugitive.
I want her taken down fast and clean.
She ran away.
Now she got to deal with The Dawg, huh?
Beth found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton.
We need to search it.
Here's the hotel!
Beth, tell Leeroy to pull up here.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
All right! Let's go! Move out!
Hey. You can't leave your car there.
It's okay. I'm a hallway monitor.
Keep separation. Leeroy, check out our 20.
Can I help you?
You seen this woman, brah? She's staying here.
Who are you?
♪ I am The Dawg ♪
♪ The big, bad Dawg ♪
I think you should leave before I call the police.
Beth, bear-mace that guy!
Aah!
Let's check out the rooms!
Leeroy and Kyle, go that way! Beth, you come with me!
We need police here right away!
Yes?
I'm looking for this teacher. She in your room, brah?
Do you mind keeping it down?
Keep your mouth shut, brah!
[ Sirens wailing ]
Oh, no. Ike, they're onto us!
Oh, no!
Hurry, darling. We have to get out of here.
What have we got?! What have we got?!
- Who called 911? - They went that way!
Look out! They have bear mace!
Open up! I'm with The Dawg!
Oh, crap!
- You freeze right there! - [ Gun cocks ]
Come on, darling.
Hey!
I got 'em, Dawg. Fifth floor.
Praise Christ! Let's go!
Ike, run!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Beth, bear-mace that guy! And that guy!
- Aah! - Aah! Aah!
Freeze, bitch!
- Freeze! - Hands up! Hands up!
Don't move! Don't move!
It's all right. There's been a misunderstanding.
I'm a hall monitor.
This fugitive is trying to avoid a hallway infraction
by skipping off to Milan.
Hey, that is the teacher we just got the report about.
All right, Miss Stevenson. You've got nowhere to go.
Why couldn't you just leave us alone?
- All we wanted was to love. - Get down!
We can do this the easy way or we can do it Dawg style.
She got a scarf on her head, huh?
It's all over, Ike -- Milan, the house in Tuscany.
They'll never let us be together.
We have to go with the backup plan.
Now, hold on. Don't do anything foolish.
We can talk about this.
You can't accept our love,
so then we can only be together in eternity.
No! Ike, don't do it.
Dinosaur funny bad bad.
Ike, please.
I know your first love seems like the only love.
But trust me, it's not.
You have so much life ahead of you.
You, who don't believe in true love, don't understand.
Ike, you need to have a life.
Have fun.
Then ruin it by having a serious relationship.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I'm afraid you're too late.
Are you ready, my love? Here we go.
One! Two! Three!
Aah!
Ike?
Yay!
Ike!
Well, looks like once again The Dawg has prevailed.
I hope you've learned, kids,
that if you don't go with Christ,
you could end up just like that splattered bitch
down on the pavement.
Hey, kid, you need to get off the roof now.
That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.
[ Static ]