[murmurs]
- Hi, I'm Trey Parker. - And I'm Matt Stone.
And we're Trey Parker and Matt Stone,
and this is "Terrance and Phillip: Not Without My Anus,"
which is our favorite episode, and it really is.
I know we always say that,
but this one really is our favorite episode.
This, uh -- we did this show last year.
It aired on April Fools' Day,
and it was supposed to be an April Fools' joke, and--
What are you doing?
I'm doing a -- you know, the MTV stuff.
- Don't do that. - You know--come on.
Don't do--no, don't do that.
- All right. - Just sit there.
It aired on April Fools' Day.
We'd set up the end of season one with a cliffhanger
about who Cartman's dad was.
You had to tune in to find out who Cartman's dad was,
and it was April 1st,
so instead of telling you who Cartman's dad was,
we aired an entire Terrance and Phillip episode,
which we thought was hilarious,
but it didn't go over very well.
- Most of America hated it, yeah. - Everyone hated it.
And they--'cause they-- they were like,
"Well, who's Cartman's dad? Who's Cartman's dad?"
And everyone sat through this episode waiting to see
who Cartman's dad was and didn't get to really
experience the beauty and the--
the awesomeness of this episode,
and so we're really glad that it's out on video
so now people can enjoy it for what it is.
We're very glad this episode is out on video.
Because now everyone can see
what a brilliant piece of work it is.
So enjoy "Terrance and Phillip: Not Without My Anus."
[indistinct chatter]
Since the last "South Park," you've waited four long weeks
to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is.
Now finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage
will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you
the following special presentation.
Now get ready for Canada's hottest action stars,
Terrance and Phillip in the HBC Movie of the Week.
Ladies and gentlemen,
before you today sits a murderer.
On the night in question,
this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer
and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer.
That monster is sitting right over there
and his name is Terrance!
( farting )
Terrance, you farted in court.
Yes, Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.
All of these things link Terrance to the murder.
Hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings,
a piece of his shirt,
a watch with his initials on it.
A day planner with the murder scheduled.
A haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer".
"Dr. O'Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in
with my new hammer."
Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon,
but you're not God!
J'accuse, Terrance.
Would you like a "monkey claw", Phillip?
Yes, please.
( farting )
( laughing )
That's called the "monkey claw"
because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart
by a thousand monkeys.
The "monkey claw" is smelly.
Come on, get a move on.
I ain't getting any younger up here.
My sentiments exactly, Your Honor.
I see from your accent that you're southern Canadian.
That is correct.
Good people of the jury, my client, Terrance,
is an innocent man.
( farting )
Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument!
I have, haven't I, Terrance?
( farting )
( laughing )
Your Honor,
the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court.
They think that farts are funny, but they're not!
Sustained.
Good people of the jury, my client Terrance
is no more a murderer than you or me.
He loves puppies and hates mean things.
Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?
Of course not.
So in summation, find Terrance innocent,
or else he'll kill you.
( gasping )
( laughing )
Just kidding.
The defense rests.
( farting )
God damn it, that isn't funny.
Madam foreperson, have you reached a verdict
so we can get the hell out of here?
We have, your honor. We have found Terrance
in the above entitled action of murder
against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer--
( farting )
You're gonna have to repeat that verdict
because we had some flatulence issues.
I said, we find--
( farting )
we find Terrance--
not guilty!
Did you hear that, Terrance?
You're not guilty!
Oh, Phillip, you've saved me from the gas chamber!
( laughing )
Oh, no!
That sure was fun, Phillip.
Let's go home and eat kroff dinner.
Here, here.
Well, looks like you got away with it,
Terrance and Phillip.
Oh, hello, Scott.
No hard feelings, right, old pal?
There are hard feelings. This isn't over!
I'm gonna see to it
that you both pay for what you've done!
And do you know why?
'Cause you're a dick?
No, because I hate you.
You think farting is so funny. Well, it isn't!
Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy,
and if I--
( farting )
Oh, I hate you both!
I've hated you ever since I can remember.
I hate you and I wish you both had cancer!
Cancer?
Yes, in the head.
Head cancer?
This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip.
You'll rue this day.
Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
But we're not gay, Phillip.
We're not?
Well, let us board the subway and return home.
There we can eat kroff dinner.
Yes, it's been a long day
and only kroff dinner can calm my nerves.
( farting )
( laughing )
Say, Phillip, why does Scott
always try to convict me of murder?
He does it every week.
He sure does seem to hate us.
I wonder what he'll try to do next.
God only knows.
The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.
It sure is. Let's look for treasure.
Yes, let's look for treasure.
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Hello. Is this Scott from Canada?
Yes, yes, it is.
You're a journalist, right?
Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines.
I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Yes, yes, I do.
They think fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy,
but they're not.
Well, what if I were to help you get rid of them
once and for all?
Who is this?
Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you
if you help me.
Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator?
Hey, relax, guy, I'm just your average Joe.
Take a rest!
What do you want?
You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada.
I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada.
That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it?
Super, let's get started.
I'm not sure I should trust you.
Hey, relax, guy, trust me.
Well, it's too bad we didn't find any treasure
on the subway, Phillip.
Oh, hello, Ugly Bob.
Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.
My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.
How come you guys say stuff like that?
Because you're Goddamned ugly, Bob.
I know, but--
Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried
to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.
I can't help how I look.
Besides, it's not what's on the outside that matters,
it's what's on the inside.
No, it isn't.
( laughing )
Want to see what's on the inside of me?
( farting )
( laughing )
Wait, wait, I've got an idea!
Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?
Yes, if people can't see your face,
they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.
Really? Hey, thanks, you guys.
Maybe now I can score with chicks.
Sure you can, Ugly Bob.
If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are,
they'll want to sleep with you.
Thanks, you guys.
Hello, Barky, hello, Purry.
Bark, bark!
Prrr, prrr.
Say, Terrance, I was just about to make some kroff dinner.
Would you like some?
You know I never turn down kroff dinner, Phillip.
( farting )
( laughing )
I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
( doorbell )
Special delivery for Terrance.
I'll take that.
Sign here and here and here,
and here and here.
And here.
Oh, Terrance!
You got a letter!
Shiver me timbers, Phillip.
At this rate I'll never get to my kroff dinner.
Oh my God!
What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?
No, it's Sally.
She's being held captive in Iran.
Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance.
Why Sally? God, why?
Say, Terrance, who's Sally?
My daughter.
I never knew you had a daughter, Terrance.
Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearties?
No, you never did, Terrance.
Oh, well, it all began 15 years ago.
My God, what a fascinating story, Terrance,
especially the part about Celine Dion.
Yes, indeed.
But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran
and I will have to go and find her!
And I will go with you, Terrance.
You are such a good friend, Phillip.
Well, you know what they say.
"A friend in need is a friend with kroff dinner."
Avast there, mateys.
( doorbell )
Hello, Celine Dion.
Terrance, this is quite a surprise.
You're looking well.
And you.
Celine, where is our daughter, Sally?
She's in the Middle East studying anthropology, why?
Wrong!
She's been taken hostage and is now being held prisoner.
What?
Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her,
but we may never return.
Oh, Terrance, what happened to us?
We just grew apart, Celine Dion.
Please bring our daughter home safe, Terrance.
( farting )
( laughing )
Hello, Ugly Bob.
Hi, guys.
How's the paper bag working out?
People seem to really like it.
I even have a date this Friday.
Terrific!
We need two tickets for Tehran, please.
Iran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there.
Damn it, man! Danger or no,
I'm going to help my friend find his daughter!
( laughing )
All right then, there's a flight leaving today.
Oh, good.
Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.
Indeed, Phillip.
Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran,
please bring my body back to Canada
and bury me in a box with a side of kroff dinner.
Same here, Phillip.
♪ O Canada ♪
♪ Our home and native land ♪
♪ True patriot love ♪
♪ In all thy sons command ♪
♪ With glowing hearts we see thee rise ♪
♪ The true north strong and free ♪
♪ From far and wide, O Canada ♪
♪ We stand on guard for thee ♪
♪ God keep our land... ♪
Scott to Red Dragon. Come in, Red Dragon.
Go ahead, Scott. This is Red Dragon.
The plan is working perfectly.
Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.
Excellent.
My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada.
Has everything been arranged?
Yes, everything's proceeding according to plan.
Now, you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive
they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Hey, relax, guy.
I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain.
Roger, Red Dragon. Scott out.
I've got you now, you fart-loving fart lovers.
( farting )
( laughing )
( Phillip ) I got ya!
( farting )
( laughing )
Oh, Phillip.
How will I ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place?
We don't speak the language.
We are unwelcome strangers,
and we have no idea where to begin.
Oh, look, there she is.
Oh, good.
Who? Where?
I'm here, Sally.
It's your father, Terrance.
I'm here to save you from your smelly Iranian captors.
Papa.
Say, she looks a lot more
like Celine Dion than you, Terrance.
( farting )
Oh, now I see the resemblance!
Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.
( farting )
( laughing )
Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back,
I feel like going to Celine Dion's house
and asking her to marry me again.
Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend.
No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.
Oh my God! What is this?
Is this Canada?
It seems to have changed.
This is madness!
What's going on, Phillip?
How could Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?
I don't know, Terrance.
And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?
I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion
and see what she has to say.
Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back
and I want to tell you that--
Terrance, could you come back a little later?
Why?
Uh... I'm just a little busy right now.
You've got a man over, don't you, Celine Dion?
Well, I--
Hi, guys.
Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob!
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm doing Celine Dion, what's it look like?
Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done?
I was going to make us a family again
but now you've slept with Ugly Bob.
What do you mean? Why are you calling him "Ugly Bob"?
Because that's his name, you stupid bitch.
You told me your name was "Handsome Bob"!
Look at him, Celine Dion.
( screaming )
Behold his horrible face.
Oh my God, he's hopelessly ugly,
and I am pregnant with his child!
What? No...!
I'm going to have a freak baby!
Oh, the humanity!
Hey, Saddam,
you helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip
and I appreciate that,
but why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?
Huh? Oh, that?
Don't worry, guy, you just need a rest.
No, I don't need a rest.
I want to know what this is all about.
Hey, relax, fella.
I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip
can never come back to Canada again.
I just need a couple of things
and then I'm gonna head back to Iran.
I thought you were from Iraq.
Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference?
Relax, guy.
( farting )
( laughing )
Phillip, I'm convinced that something
very, very not good is happening to Canada.
Yes, I agree whole-fartedly.
( laughing )
Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?
Oh, hello, Scott.
You're not supposed to be here.
You're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped--
I mean, how are you guys today?
Wait, what were you saying?
Nothing, why?
Hey, Scott, guess what?
What?
( farting )
I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip!
I absolutely abhor you both!
What are you doing, Scott?
I'm wishing cancer upon you.
Cancer?
That's right, I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Ahh! Stop that!
Hey, don't give me cancer.
Mr. Hussein, the U.S. government is becoming worried.
Worried? About what?
Take a load off, relax.
You seem to be taking over Canada.
"Taking over Canada," me?
Hey, you need a rest, fella. I'm not hiding any bombs.
We didn't say anything about bombs.
Oh, you didn't? Hey, relax.
We're giving you just three years
to clear your forces out of Canada.
After that we're gonna bomb all of Iran.
I'm from Iraq.
Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?
Ugh, I hate Americans.
Please let me kill them.
No, no, you need to relax, guy.
Remember the plan. First we take over Canada,
then we'll have the best of the female pop vocalists.
After that, we'll take over the U.S.,
then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland,
then the world!
( laughing )
What's so funny?
Nothing, relax, buddy.
Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada.
Oh, really?
You promised me they'd be gone for good.
That was your part of the bargain.
I changed my mind.
Pray that I don't change it any further.
This deal's getting worse all the time.
Hey, Terrance, let's watch American television.
Yeah, we can get satellite feed from the U.S.
And watch all the stupid TV shows.
Oh, look, here's a show.
[Bleep] you!
Stupid.
God damn, their TV shows are lame.
The father of Eric Cartman is...
( laughing )
Look at those silly American heads.
They look like groundhogs.
And in other news, it appears that Saddam Hussein
has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S.
inspect his military operations.
When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement,
Hussein replied, quote, "Hey, relax, fella,
you need a rest, guy."
Hey, Phillip,
isn't that the smelly gentlemen
we've seen in pictures all over town?
Yes, it is, Terrance.
According to that newsy,
he's some kind of Turkish dictator.
Well, we can't just sit here and eat kroff dinner
and let Canada be overrun by the Turks.
( phone )
( laughing )
That fart sounded like a ringing phone, Terrance.
It sure did, Phillip.
( phone )
Oh, wait, that is the phone.
Hello?
Terrance, this is Scott.
Oh, hey... It's Scott.
Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
Phillip says hello, Scott.
Just shut up and listen.
You've unleashed a monster onto Canada.
And only you can get rid of him,
even though I hate you and I wish you had cancer.
You are such a dick, Scott.
You're a dick.
- You're a dick. - You're a dick.
The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada.
You give other Canadians a bad name, and if I had my--
I'm sorry, Scott, could you hold on a minute?
Sure.
( farting )
( laughing )
How do you like that, Scott?
You son of a bitch, I'll get you if it's the last--
Oh, wait, I have another call, Scott, can you hang on?
Sure.
( farting )
Oh, that was Sir Smelly.
He says hello.
God damn it!
Oh, wait a second, Scott.
Sure. I mean, no!
You listen to me.
If you want to save Canada
you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff Dinner Restaurant
in half an hour.
Oh, Ugly Bob, I'm so confused.
I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.
Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
We can only hope.
I suppose we'll be okay
as long as you keep that bag on your head.
What's this?
Hey there, my name's Saddam.
I'm a big fan of Polo.
I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion.
Oh, no you don't, she's my bitch.
Hey, who are you?
I'm Bob, but my friends call me "Ugly Bob"
because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.
Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike.
Let me see.
( screaming )
Well, I'm sorry, guy.
You know, I could cure that face of yours.
You could?
Sure. I just need a favor.
There's a Canadian football game tomorrow.
The Ottawa Roughriders against the Vancouver Roughriders.
It's at that game that I will officially turn
the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.
What? Why?
Hey, don't worry about that, take a load off.
Don't think about it, look over here.
All I need is for Celine Dion
to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game
to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What do you say?
Did you say hostile takeover of Canada?
No, no, relax there, fella.
Well, Scott said to meet him here but he's not showing up.
( farting )
( laughing )
Well, while we're waiting,
why don't we search for treasure?
Oh, good idea, let's search for treasure.
What are you idiots doing?
We're looking for treasure.
Is that some kind of metaphor
for a kind of search that can't be described?
No, we're searching for treasure.
Listen, I have an inside scoop.
There's an Iraqi dictator
who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
Yes, you mean Saddam Smelly.
We saw him on the telly.
Well, what are you two gonna do about it?
What do you mean?
It's your fault that he's here.
You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane
when you rescued your kidnapped daughter.
(Gasping ) You mean we are to blame?
That's right, and now you must make amends.
Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada
at the Roughriders/Roughriders football game.
It will be your only shot at wiping them all out.
Here, take this.
What is this?
It's a bomb.
You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game,
and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions.
That sounds scary.
Well, you must do it for Canada.
For Canada, Terrance.
For Canada, Phillip.
Yes, Terrance and Phillip.
And when the dust is settled
Canada will be rid of both the Iraqis
and your immature fart humor.
Well, Phillip, I'm very sad that we have to die for Canada.
Yes.
This bomb will blow us both to smithereens.
But we really have no choice.
Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
( farting )
( laughing )
That's funny.
Wait a minute, Terrance,
that fart gives me pause.
Why is that?
That smelly Saddam Hussein,
he uses German chemical warfare, does he not?
Yes, apparently he does.
Terrance, get the phone book.
We must call every Canadian we can.
Oh, Phillip, it sounds like you have an idea.
I do, Terrance.
( dialing )
( farting )
( laughing )
And the Roughriders are really giving the Roughriders
a run for their money.
All else aside, I must say that the Roughriders
are simply outmatched by these Roughriders.
( whistle )
And that's going to take us to halftime.
Be sure to stick around for the halftime show,
Saddam and the Electric Iraqis,
in a salute to hostile takeovers.
( band playing )
Well, I guess it's time, old friend.
Yes, prepare the alert.
Hello to my Canadian friends.
Everybody, relax, take a rest, put your feet up.
Those dogs are barking.
You may have noticed some changes to your country.
Don't worry about that. The changes will continue.
I'm here to announce once and for all
that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad.
( exclaiming )
( gasping )
You will bow down to me as your ruler.
You will obey my laws or you will be killed.
( laughing )
And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem
or you will be stabbed in the head.
(Arabic )
Now, Phillip?
Now, Terrance.
( blowing bugle )
Hey, what the hell is this?
(Arabic )
( everyone farting )
( screaming )
They're using chemical warfare.
How could they?
( cheering )
We did it, Phillip.
We destroyed the Turks!
Oh, glorious day.
Terrance, Terrance, you've saved Canada.
Oh, it was all Phillip's idea.
God bless you, Phillip.
Don't touch me, Ugly Bob.
Hey, what the hell happened?
You were supposed to be blown up!
We came up with a better plan.
You see, Scott, after all your criticism,
it was farting that saved Canada.
Oh, that is so juvenile.
Hey, Scott, do you like apples?
Of course.
( farting )
How do you like them apples?
I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!
Oh, Celine Dion.
You never finished that national anthem.
You're right, Terrance, you're right.
♪ O Canada, our home and native land ♪
♪ True patriot love ♪
♪ In all thy sons command ♪
♪ With glowing hearts we see thee rise ♪
♪ The true north strong and free ♪
♪ From far and wide, O Canada ♪
♪ We stand on guard for thee ♪
♪ God, keep our land ♪
♪ Glorious and free ♪
♪ O Canada ♪
♪ We stand on guard for thee ♪
♪ O Canada ♪
♪ We stand on guard for thee ♪
( farting )
( laughing )
Who is Eric Cartman's father?
Find out on an all-new "South Park"
in just a few weeks.