1 00:00:02,128 --> 00:00:04,046 One, two, three, four. 2 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,590 [growling, singing death metal indistinctly] 3 00:00:06,716 --> 00:00:10,177 [rock acoustic guitar music] [singing gibberish] 4 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,596 ♪ I'ma say, hey ♪ 5 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,807 ♪ Death live long, death come for you! ♪ 6 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,642 [yelling, singing gibberish] 7 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,936 ♪ Baby, you don't know, you don't know me! ♪ 8 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,938 ♪ I don't know you! ♪ 9 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,357 ♪ You know nothing! ♪ 10 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,567 ♪ Livin' a lie, livin' a lie! ♪ 11 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,735 ♪ You're living a lie! ♪ 12 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,111 ♪ You're living a lie! ♪ 13 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,113 Oh, hi, everybody. 14 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,948 You just caught Matt and I doing what we love to do most, 15 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,117 entertaining senior citizens at a retirement home. 16 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,327 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang. 17 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,204 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said! 18 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,748 [All] Hi. - What you're about to see 19 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,541 is our favorite episode of "South Park." 20 00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,084 It's called "Chicken Lover," and it's about a man 21 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,544 who likes to have sex with chickens. 22 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:44,920 [chuckles] That's right, Matt. 23 00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:46,464 You know, sex with chickens 24 00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:47,673 dates back to the late 1800s when-- 25 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,383 Excuse me. - What? 26 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,135 Can we leave? 27 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,387 No, you can't leave. We're entertaining you. 28 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,847 You're talking to the camera. 29 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,265 Hey, just keep your damn pants on! 30 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,725 This is our other job, all right? 31 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,769 I have other things to do, too. 32 00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:02,897 Sit down, or else it's ninja star in the forehead for you. 33 00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,861 Anyway, this episode also deals with the wonders of reading. 34 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,696 That's right. Reading used to be a fun form 35 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,656 of entertainment, but now we have TV, so who needs it? 36 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,158 I have to leave. - Kick ba-- 37 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,743 [both sigh] Kick back, relax-- 38 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,204 I must--I must leave. - Ninja star! 39 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,917 Sit back, relax, and enjoy 40 00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:25,586 this episode of "South Park," "Chicken Lover." 41 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,505 [rock acoustic guitar music] - ♪ Get me off! ♪ 42 00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:30,299 [yelling, singing indistinctly] 43 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,260 [barking, singing indistinctly] 44 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:42,520 [twangy music] 45 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,021 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪ 46 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,731 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪ 47 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,733 all: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪ 48 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,276 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪ 49 00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:50,736 - ♪ Going down to South Park ♪ 50 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,571 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪ 51 00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,281 - ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪ 52 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,783 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪ 53 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,284 - ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪ 54 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,120 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪ 55 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:02,206 [mumbling] 56 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,707 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪ 57 00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,501 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪ 58 00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:09,421 Okay, children, each of you gets to choose two books 59 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,173 from the Booktastic Bus. 60 00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,633 Reading sucks ass. 61 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,385 Eric, shut up! 62 00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:18,222 Boring. Boring. 63 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,224 Gay. Boring, boring. 64 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,976 Hey, you guys, check out these books. 65 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,353 Sabrina Unchained. 66 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,398 Wow, these books look cool. 67 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,733 Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books. 68 00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:32,820 [mumbling] - Hello, kids. 69 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,446 I see you're discovering the magic of reading. 70 00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:36,282 Who are you? 71 00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,450 I drive the Booktastic Bus, where magic begins. 72 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,828 You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. 73 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,663 You can take a canoe down the Amazon, 74 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,498 or go back in time to Camelot, 75 00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:45,916 or become a race car driver, 76 00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:47,501 all by just opening a book. 77 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,336 Just like magic. The magic of reading. 78 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,005 Gosh, shut up, dude. 79 00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,590 Go ahead and pick any books you like, 80 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:55,426 then give in, give in to the magic. 81 00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:57,344 If we read, are we gonna become like that guy? 82 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,096 Yeah, this is stupid; books aren't magical. 83 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,431 I don't know, I'm kind of getting 84 00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:01,765 a tingly feeling looking at these. 85 00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:03,434 [chicken clucking] 86 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,811 [mumbling] - I don't know, let's go see. 87 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:11,233 Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. 88 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,653 It's a hard job, but then again, I'm a hard man. 89 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,114 A lot of people think that in a small town 90 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,074 there isn't a lot for the law to do. 91 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,242 Well, they're wrong. 92 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,869 All units, all units, 93 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,246 report to 2-5-4 Avenue de los Mexicanos. 94 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,831 Possible hostile situation. 95 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,291 There, you see? 96 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,834 This could be a bank robbery, 97 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,502 or possibly even a murder! 98 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,129 This ain't no Podunk little town. 99 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,089 And, Barbrady, your wife called-- 100 00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:35,841 she wants you to get some pizza on the way home. 101 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:36,884 Goddamnit! 102 00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,135 [indistinct chatter] 103 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,428 Cool. What is it? What is it? 104 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,641 - Okay, people, move along. 105 00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,684 There's nothing to see here. 106 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,394 What's the trouble? Where's the body? 107 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,438 - Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here 108 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,774 having sex with one of my chickens. 109 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:56,904 Uh, oh. 110 00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:58,113 [chicken clucking] 111 00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,907 My god, that's disgusting. 112 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,076 Whoa, dude, how do you have sex with a chicken? 113 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:03,786 Uh, boys, you move along. 114 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,704 This isn't for young eyes to see. 115 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,790 Did you get a good look at the suspect? 116 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,333 No, I didn't see anything. 117 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,418 It just happened so fast. 118 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:14,755 Well, uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys? 119 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,840 Uh, we're gonna go grab some lunch 120 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,676 and maybe get some shots of those turtles 121 00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,636 down at the pond. 122 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,263 Ah, camel poo! 123 00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:23,430 Hey, what's this? 124 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,848 It looks like a note. 125 00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,600 Give me that! That's a clue 126 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,144 and you'll get your stinky DNA all over it. 127 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:32,273 What does it say? - Uh, it says... 128 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:35,025 Uh, "Sorry I had sex with a chicken. 129 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,111 I won't do it again. Bye, bye." 130 00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:39,154 Well, there you have it, case closed. 131 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,990 Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? 132 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,783 Every time something happens in this town, 133 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,286 you say "Nothing to see here" and "Case closed", 134 00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:46,787 but we want justice! 135 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,580 We have to find this sicko! 136 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,374 I said return to your homes 137 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,251 before I start arresting people! 138 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,961 For what? Orderly conduct? 139 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:55,921 How about fishing without a license? 140 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,381 I'm not fishing. 141 00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,216 What do you call this then? 142 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,093 If you do not comply, I'll be forced 143 00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:03,012 to execute each and every one of you 144 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,097 by gunshot to the head. 145 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432 That's right, 146 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:07,975 return to your simple lives. 147 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,102 Just forget this ever happened. 148 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,228 Forget, 149 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:13,522 forget. 150 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,149 Wow, Barbrady sure is acting weird. 151 00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,900 Yeah, I wonder what's wrong. 152 00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:25,451 [engine turns over] 153 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:26,827 [tires screech] 154 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,835 Welcome to Fran's, can I help you? 155 00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:39,798 Sir, can I help you? 156 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,593 Uh, just give me two cheeseburgers 157 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,678 and some jalapeno poppers. 158 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,972 Sir, there's just one problem. 159 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,600 What's that? - We're a bank. 160 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,103 - I know that, smarty pants! 161 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,147 What do you think, I'm some kind of idiot? 162 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,733 Yes. - Hmm. 163 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,570 I can't go on living this lie! 164 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,657 - With chicken after chicken being violated, 165 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:08,035 the South Park police are under increasing pressure 166 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,788 to solve the case of the chicken [bleep]. 167 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,706 We now go live to a press conference 168 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,291 where Officer Barbrady and the mayor 169 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,377 are fielding questions. 170 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,170 Officer Barbrady, 171 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,297 what would drive a man to such a disgusting act? 172 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,466 Well, nobody can say for sure. 173 00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,885 No motive has yet been established. 174 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,678 Do the police have any leads? 175 00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:28,972 Well, both 3-D computer modeling 176 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,557 and intensive seismology 177 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,976 have not given us any leads as of yet. 178 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,312 But has chicken [bleep] left any clues at the crime? 179 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,816 All right, all right, I can't read! 180 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,154 There, I said it, I can't read. 181 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,532 Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed 182 00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,700 and now you all know my terrible secret! 183 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,244 I'm illegitimate! 184 00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:52,663 I'm not fit to be a policemen. 185 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,665 I retire! 186 00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,876 Okay, thank you all for coming. 187 00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,254 There's coffee and brownies out front. 188 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:03,382 And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence 189 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,134 and South Park will have to manage 190 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,302 without any police force for a while. 191 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,138 This just in, 192 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,849 South Park has plunged into total anarchy. 193 00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:13,517 Exactly two seconds after 194 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,185 the retirement of Officer Barbrady, 195 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,645 looting and pillaging erupted 196 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,313 in the quiet mountain town. 197 00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,774 [yelling] 198 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,734 [screaming] 199 00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,570 Whoopie! This is killer. 200 00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:26,864 With no cops around, we can do whatever we want! 201 00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,115 [alarm blaring] 202 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,116 Woah, dude, what's going on? 203 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,242 I don't know. 204 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,787 Oh, my god, they've killed-- 205 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:35,831 Oh, never mind. 206 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:36,915 [gunfire, screaming] 207 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,126 I don't believe it. 208 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,879 All this time Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful. 209 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,256 Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot. 210 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,467 He is. 211 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,635 Mayor, What do you plan to do about the South Park riots? 212 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,471 No reason for concern. 213 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,764 I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady 214 00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:54,892 is still our active police force. 215 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,852 But he's illiterate; what do you plan to do? 216 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,062 Uh, plan? I don't actually... 217 00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:01,148 Reading classes, plain and simple. 218 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:02,983 By the mayor's order Officer Barbrady 219 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,860 is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read. 220 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,237 Effective immediately. - Yes, that's right. 221 00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,615 It's back to school with Officer Barbrady! 222 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,994 Now, children, we have a new student joining us today. 223 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:17,372 Please say hi to Officer Barbrady. 224 00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,166 I can't see, dude. 225 00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:21,376 Okay, now since our focus has been on reading, 226 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,836 let's review some of the basics. 227 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,129 Yes, what is it? 228 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,715 I need to go poopies. 229 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,675 Officer Barbrady, 230 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,637 in school we go to the bathroom before and after class. 231 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,139 Oh, Christ, how do you kids do it? 232 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,016 Does anyone have any suggestions 233 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,101 where we should begin with Officer Barbrady? 234 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,978 How about a brain transplant? 235 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,022 Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student. 236 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,650 Give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. 237 00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,360 Now I'm going to write a sentence 238 00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,529 and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it. 239 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,991 Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady. 240 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,451 Uh... 241 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,412 "O... O." 242 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,790 Bzzt, wrong! Try again, dumb-ass. 243 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:02,167 [laughing] 244 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,836 Okay, okay, maybe we should try something a little easier. 245 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:07,923 We can work our way up to the hard ones. 246 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,008 Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared. 247 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,552 Uh... 248 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,886 "O..." - Bzzt! Drr! 249 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,930 Did you hear that Mr. Hat? 250 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,432 I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard. 251 00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,393 [laughing] 252 00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,770 Did you kids actually learn how to read this way? 253 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,647 No, we just fake it to shut him up. 254 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,316 Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 255 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,651 Let's try again. 256 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,779 [chickens clucking] 257 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,659 Say, what are nice chickens like you 258 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:39,246 doing in a coop like this? 259 00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,581 [loud clucking] 260 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,877 - Now, children, I hope 261 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,379 you all had a good time reading your books 262 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,257 and are prepared for your book reports. 263 00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,800 Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? 264 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,926 Let's see. 265 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,804 How about Stan or Kyle? 266 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,181 Eric, why don't you go first? - Ugh. 267 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,350 What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again? 268 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,436 I'm prepared! 269 00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,271 For my book report I read 270 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:06,356 "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." 271 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,691 It was very, very good. 272 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,484 Have you read it, Mr. Garrison? 273 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,154 No, I can't say that I have. - Oh, good. 274 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,989 In "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe", 275 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,325 a bunch of, uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff. 276 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,703 They eat lunch and then they find a magical camel 277 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,496 which they have to eat to stay alive, 278 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,707 and that's pretty much it. I give it a "B minus". 279 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,335 And I give you an "F", Eric, now sit down. 280 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,711 Goddamnit! 281 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,296 [laughing] 282 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,839 Okay, Officer Barbrady, 283 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633 why don't you give us your book report? 284 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,762 I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, 285 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,472 "Go, Dog, Go". 286 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,891 I found it a compelling and disturbing look 287 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,643 at the canine psyche. 288 00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,270 If I may read a passage. 289 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,522 "Big dog... 290 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,859 "Little dog. 291 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,865 "A red dog 292 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,367 on a..." 293 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,036 Well, anyway, 294 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,121 I don't want to give away the ending, 295 00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,083 but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn 296 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,293 that parallels my own life. 297 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,961 Thank you, Officer Barbrady. 298 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,089 That was a very good book report indeed. 299 00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:13,507 I'll give you an "A". 300 00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:14,675 Hurray! 301 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,259 Goody two-shoes. 302 00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,264 ♪ Swing set, swing set ♪ 303 00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,684 ♪ Up and down I go ♪ 304 00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,186 ♪ Whoosh goes the willy wind ♪ 305 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:27,979 ♪ Blowing through my toes ♪ 306 00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,606 Dude, I think Officer Barbrady 307 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,608 enjoys being at school a little too much. 308 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,652 Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read? 309 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,196 ♪ Swing set, swing set ♪ 310 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,864 ♪ Up and down I go ♪ 311 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,784 Officer Barbrady, what are you doing? 312 00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,828 [muffled yelling, grunts] 313 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,996 Oh my god! They killed-- - [grunt] 314 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,581 Oh, never mind. 315 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,583 Well, how's the reading coming along? 316 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,627 Oh, pretty good. 317 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,754 Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. 318 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,381 The chicken [bleep] struck again last night. 319 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,133 Oh, no! 320 00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,926 Oh, mayor, please, when we're around children 321 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,804 we prefer to call him the chicken lover. 322 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,598 This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. 323 00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,308 She's catatonic. 324 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,185 Who, Carla Weathers or the chicken? 325 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,813 The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene. 326 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,691 Oh, I can't read this. It has silent E's. 327 00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735 You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady! 328 00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,278 I'm doing the best I can! 329 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,447 I even got a "A" on my book report. 330 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,574 Listen, buddy, either you learn to read quick 331 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:24,077 or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever! 332 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,708 Hey, what'd you do that for? 333 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,501 Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry. 334 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,963 Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble. 335 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,840 I'll never learn to read fast enough 336 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,425 and the town is in chaos! 337 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,051 It's cool, dude, we'll help you. 338 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,429 Hey, that's right, you can help me. 339 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:46,224 Under article 39, section two of police code, 340 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:49,728 I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis. 341 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,313 Really? I want to be a cop. 342 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,148 You boys will be my deputies. 343 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,610 You can help me restore order, catch the chicken lover, 344 00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,738 and swing me on the swing set. - Do I get a nightstick? 345 00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,823 - Sure, nightsticks for everybody! 346 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,451 You keep a tab on crime in the city, 347 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:07,245 and we'll try to solve the chicken lover case. 348 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,539 10-4, sergeant. 349 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,583 Now what does that clue say again? 350 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,585 "If you want to know where I'll strike next, 351 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,630 read "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft". 352 00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,298 To the Booktastic Bus, deputies! 353 00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:19,800 We haven't a moment to spare. 354 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:22,385 [together] hurray! 355 00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,012 Good day, friends. 356 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,597 Welcome to the magical world of reading. 357 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,516 We need a copy of 358 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,893 "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft" right away. 359 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,104 Ooh, that's a very magical book, full of wonders-- 360 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,649 Ah, just give us the damn book, fruitcake! 361 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,027 What's it say? 362 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,948 It says "ma... Ma..." 363 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,115 What's this word? 364 00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,117 "I". - Oh, yeah. 365 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:50,121 "I, ma... Ma..." - Here, give me that. 366 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,291 "I am Bumbly Wumbly, I live in the pond." 367 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,877 A pond. Hey! Maybe that means Stark's Pond. 368 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,671 That's quick thinking, deputy. 369 00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,423 Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately. 370 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:05,720 [upbeat mysterious music] 371 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,517 [honking] 372 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,978 Hey. [siren wailing] 373 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,821 Uh, yes, officer? 374 00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,740 I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there. 375 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,826 Do you know what the speed limit is here? 376 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,870 Well, according to that sign right there, 377 00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:31,371 it's 40 miles an hour. 378 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,206 Step out of the car please, sir. 379 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,500 Wait a second, aren't you Stan's little friend? 380 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,836 Sir, step out of the car, please. 381 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,462 Yeah, you're the one 382 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,964 who always plugs up the toilet at our house. 383 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,507 Hey, I am a cop 384 00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,260 and you will respect my authority! 385 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,971 Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. 386 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,389 [grunts] Ow! 387 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,558 Get your ass to jail! - Ow! 388 00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,976 Hey, what the hell are you doing? 389 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,604 You can't do that! Ow! Ow! Ow! 390 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,397 Sweet. 391 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,318 Oh, weak, dude, we're too late. 392 00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:02,694 Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind. 393 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,321 Well, this is terrible. 394 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,156 Now, who would have sex with a chicken? 395 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,574 I would. 396 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,452 Oh, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. 397 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,329 You don't have any legs. 398 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,372 Oh, yeah. 399 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,167 Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy? 400 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,211 Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue. 401 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,797 Here, here, I found one! - What's it say? What's it say? 402 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:26,635 It says read "Teetle the Timid, ta- ta- ta..." 403 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,179 The taxi-- What's this word? 404 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,847 I don't know. 405 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,643 "Ta- ta-... 406 00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,605 Ta... Taxidermist!" 407 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,482 [chicken clucking] 408 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,944 I read it! I read it all by myself! 409 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:45,111 [cheers and applause] 410 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,863 Hurray, yeah! Whoo-hoo! 411 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,366 ...Enroute to 496. 412 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,992 I've been working this beat 413 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,869 for about three days now. 414 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,996 You definitely have to have pretty thick skin 415 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082 or else these people, they just walk all over you. 416 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,125 Sometimes you have to go undercover 417 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,794 to get the worst of them. 418 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,925 Hi, there, little lady. 419 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,970 Well, hi there. What are you doing tonight? 420 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,472 Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous. 421 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,015 Is 20 dollars enough? 422 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,601 Sir, step out of the car, please? 423 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,687 What? Uh-oh. Is this a bust? 424 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,772 Sir, step out of the car. 425 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,025 Hey, wait a minute, you're just a kid. 426 00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,362 - Maybe this will teach you to listen to authority! 427 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,406 Ow! Ow! Ow! 428 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,199 Hey, man, what are you doing? 429 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,784 Ow, stop it! 430 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:37,455 Eh, sometimes upholding the law is messy, 431 00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,249 but you get by... 432 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:40,834 one day at a time. 433 00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,088 I got a TV. Sh, come on! 434 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:52,971 "Teetle the timid taxidermist 435 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,432 loves to..." 436 00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,976 Oh, Goddamn, reading is lame. 437 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,395 How's it going, dude? - Terrible, I give up. 438 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,732 I'm not fit to be a cop. [sobs] 439 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,233 Come on, dude, it's not that hard. 440 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,651 It is, too! 441 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,194 Just read the sentence. 442 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,239 "Teetle the timid taxidermist 443 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:15,493 loves to go to the pet, pet..." 444 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,037 Come on, dumb-ass, you can do it. 445 00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:19,289 "Pet..." Wait a minute. 446 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:22,083 Conjugate the verb. 447 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,170 Conjugate the verb. 448 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:29,549 Yes, conjugate the verb. 449 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,259 "Pet-ting." 450 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,761 "Petting zoo!" 451 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,263 He loves to go to the petting zoo! 452 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,390 Boys, we're off. 453 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,060 All units, all units, 454 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:42,896 512 at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos 455 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,439 request assistance. 456 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,691 [siren wailing] 457 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,491 Sir, could you step out of the car, please? 458 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,076 We're fine, officer. 459 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,620 And, uh, who--who's in here with you? 460 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,663 - Just me and my wife and my brother, 461 00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,373 and my wife's cousin and his son, 462 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,375 and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids, 463 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,294 and my brother's girlfriend's mother, 464 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,171 and this guy Bob who I met last year. 465 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,715 - Poor people tend to live in clusters. 466 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,801 What--what did you say? - Nothing. 467 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,803 Now, sir, is there some kind of-- 468 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,554 I want him out of my house! 469 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,098 He ain't worth a shit! 470 00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,724 He can't even hold a [bleep] job! 471 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,476 Shut up, bitch. 472 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436 Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language. 473 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,063 There's children present here. 474 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,815 You lazy ass mother[bleep]. 475 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,650 Look what she did to my [bleep] eye! 476 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,401 - I'll do it again! 477 00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:31,820 [laughing] 478 00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:34,072 Mom hit Dad again. 479 00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,782 Now the first thing to do 480 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,909 in domestic disturbance calls like this one 481 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,495 is to just calm everybody down. 482 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,081 Respect my authority! 483 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,083 [both grunting] 484 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,626 All units, all units, 485 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,628 we have a 5-20 on the suspect. 486 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,631 Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately. 487 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,258 Chicken lover. 488 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,388 Keep your eyes peeled, boys. 489 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:02,642 Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute. 490 00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,144 Maybe we were wrong about the clue. 491 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:05,562 Yeah, maybe you read it wrong. 492 00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,147 Oh, no! 493 00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:08,189 [brush rustling] 494 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,316 Shh! 495 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,818 [clucks] 496 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,945 Keep your eyes peeled. 497 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,072 Look! 498 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,365 [chicken clucking] 499 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,908 He's here. - Grab him! 500 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,035 [siren wailing] 501 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,954 Dammit, can't this thing go any faster? 502 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,291 [grunting] 503 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,295 [gunshot] 504 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,380 [gasps] Oh, my God, they've killed-- 505 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,382 [mumbling] - Goddamnit. 506 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,552 I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon. 507 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,304 I think that's a mask, dude. 508 00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,264 Oh. 509 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,600 Whoa, dude. It's the book mobile driver. 510 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:46,269 Caught you red-handed. - Indeed you did. 511 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,021 How did you know I would strike here? 512 00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,773 - By reading "Teetle the Timid Taxidermist". 513 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,817 You did, really? Then it worked. 514 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,445 My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly. 515 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,197 What are you talking about, dude? 516 00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,365 When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, 517 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,659 I knew I had to motivate him somehow. 518 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,453 So I formulated a plan to encourage him 519 00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,371 to learn the magic of reading. 520 00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:06,998 So you [bleep] a bunch of chickens? 521 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,541 Yes, yes, exactly. 522 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,877 Don't you see? Only by [bleep] chickens 523 00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:13,379 could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate. 524 00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,548 That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, dude. 525 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:18,760 Oh, no? He who is blind can now see. 526 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,511 I got Officer Barbrady to read. 527 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,305 My plan worked perfectly. 528 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,516 Well, I guess I should say thanks? 529 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,769 You're welcome. And now my reading friend, 530 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,729 you've proven that you are ready for the big time. 531 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,481 I give you this hardback copy 532 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,941 of "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. 533 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,275 Freeze! Put your hands in the air! 534 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,069 Cartman! 535 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,196 I got reports the suspect is in this area. 536 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,448 Well, he is. It turns out that book mobile driver here 537 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,783 was the one making love to chickens. 538 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,326 Ah, ha! 539 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,162 Ow, that hurts! - Whoa, dude. Cartman! 540 00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,332 No, no, that's not how you uphold the law! 541 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:52,794 But he is not listening to my authority. 542 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:56,381 Oh, oh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend. 543 00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,216 You do it like this. - [grunts] 544 00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,926 You gotta get them in the head. 545 00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,469 They go down quicker. 546 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,971 Oh. 547 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,514 I guess you should leave police work 548 00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:06,349 to the professionals, huh, Cartman? 549 00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,059 Well, anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. 550 00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,727 I've proved that I can read, 551 00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,437 and now I'm back on the job. 552 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,481 [together] Hurray! 553 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,275 Hey, so what are you gonna do now? 554 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,277 Now? Well... 555 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:20,154 I, uh, I think I'll get in the bathtub 556 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,157 and then curl up with a good book. 557 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:28,371 ♪♪ 558 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:34,502 [chicken clucking] 559 00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:50,560 - And so today, South Park held a parade 560 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,520 to honor Officer Barbrady 561 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,690 and his heroic work on the chicken [bleep] case. 562 00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,487 Thank you, everybody, thank you! 563 00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,948 Speech, speech! - What? 564 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,908 They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady, 565 00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:07,493 about the whole experience over the last couple of days. 566 00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:08,703 Oh, okay. 567 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,371 Well, first of all 568 00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:11,956 I'd like to thank the town of South Park, 569 00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,708 the town that bore me 570 00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:16,711 and eventually will rob me of my life precious. 571 00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,921 Second, I'd like to say to all those out there 572 00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,506 who think they can screw chickens 573 00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:22,133 just to teach people to read, 574 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,468 your days are numbered! 575 00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:25,553 [cheers and applause] 576 00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,930 And finally I'd like to say 577 00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:30,725 that reading totally sucks ass. 578 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,685 [together] Hurray! 579 00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:34,937 Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. 580 00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,231 It seemed exciting and magical, 581 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,941 but then I read this, 582 00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,069 "Atlas Shrugged", by Ayn Rand. 583 00:22:41,194 --> 00:22:43,446 I read every last word of this garbage 584 00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,239 and because of this piece of shit 585 00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,991 I'm never reading again! 586 00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:49,660 [together] Hurray for Barbrady! 587 00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:51,871 Wow, I guess reading really does suck ass. 588 00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,374 Hey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys. 589 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,792 I'm just glad everything turned out okay, 590 00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,210 and Barbrady got his job back. 591 00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:58,628 It's poetic justice. 592 00:22:58,753 --> 00:22:59,921 Thanks, boys. 593 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:07,053 ♪♪ 594 00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:32,453 [chicken clucking]