[applause] What a great episode.
Yep, and we're back just in time to check up
on Northern Wyoming bacon loaf.
Say, that looks bacon-licious.
[laughter]
Now all we have to do is garnish.
[pig squeals]
Hey, Macon's going crazy.
Hold on, buddy. This one's for you.
Okay.
Here's a nice fresh bacon loaf, just for Macon.
Whoa, hold on there, buddy.
Not too fast now. Okay, all right, hey.
[applause]
- Well, all that bacon grease can't go to waste,
so what I do is, I pour it into ice pop makers, like this.
- That's right, you see, bacon grease congeals,
so if you pour it in and you wait long enough...
bacon pops!
[applause]
Who'd like to try one?
You, come on up.
Come over here, you. Do you like bacon?
Yeah. - Well, give that a try.
How is it? - It's bacon-licious.
Well, now it's time to watch our favorite episode
of "South Park." It's called "Chickenpox."
You see, chickenpox affects you worse the older you get.
So when I was young, my mom would make me sleep over
at friends' houses when they had chickenpox
in hopes that I would get the dreaded disease
while I was still a child.
Well, in this episode, the boys
also learn a valuable lesson
when they hire a prostitute with cold sores
to give their parents herpes.
[laughter]
So grab a bacon pop, sit back, and enjoy...
"Chickenpox."
[playful melody]
[twangy music]
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[singing indistinctly]
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.
But what's wrong with her? - It's chickenpox.
There seems to be a small epidemic going around.
Your daughter never had the chickenpox
as a little girl, I take it?
No, no, she's been perfectly healthy.
Well, that's the problem.
You see chickenpox is a pretty normal thing
with young children, but as you get older
it becomes more and more a ferocious disease.
Shelley, looks who's come to visit you.
Your little brother Stan.
Oh, whoopee!
You know, most people don't realize
that chickenpox is actually a form of herpes.
Dude, you got herpes on your face!
Shut up, brat!
Will my daughter be okay?
She'll be fine.
Stop it!
We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
[thud] [Stan shouts]
Come on, Stanley, give your sister a kiss,
and then we have to go.
And then the doctor said that
it's much worse as you get older.
My daughter is in pretty bad shape now,
but if she were in her 20s, she could die!
My God, I never knew the chickenpox
was such a dangerous illness.
I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.
So tell me if I'm crazy but I started thinking that we should
intentionally have our boys play with a child
who has the chickenpox.
Let them get it now while they're young.
That's not crazy at all, Sharon.
Mothers do it all the time.
Ooh yes, when I was a child, my mother had me go over
to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox
just so I would get it.
So it's not such a crazy idea after all.
No, no! And I'm pretty sure that
strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now.
Are you guys having a meeting or something?
How would you boys like to have a little slumber party
at your little friend Kenny's house tonight?
No way dude, Kenny's family is poor.
They live in the ghetto.
Yeah, let's just have a slumber party here.
Boys, you're going to sleep over
at Kenny's, and that's final.
Oh, weak!
I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over
at Kenny's so bad. - Yeah, it's pretty weird.
- Well, all I can say is he better have Nintendo.
Well, here's Kenny's house.
- ♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ On the cold and gray Chicago morning ♪
♪ Another little baby child is born ♪
♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto ♪
Yeah?
We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.
What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with--
That's the whole point, remember?
Their moms want them to catch it while they're young.
Oh, yeah. - Catch what?
Nothing. Come on in. I was just making dinner.
♪ And his mama cries ♪
♪ 'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need ♪
♪ It's another little hungry mouth to feed ♪
♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto ♪
Shh! Cartman! - What?
Kenny! Your little friends are here!
Come play with them!
[Kenny mumbles]
I know you're sick. Now get your buns out here!
[giggles] Buns.
[mumbling] Hey, you guys, what's going on?
Whoa dude! You got herpes on your face too!
Where is the Nintendo?
We don't have a Nintendo.
We got a ColecoVision plugged in to the black and white TV.
Oh, my God, this is like a third-world country.
Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room
and then come grab some dinner.
Oh good, I'm starving.
Let's say grace.
Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload
of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us.
And since we have been faithful to you,
we know that you will send us some good fortune
one of these days, even though you sure as hell
seem to be taking your sweet time.
Amen. both: Amen.
[scoffs] Okay, let's dig in.
That one's mine! That one's mine!
What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening
with our frozen waffles?
Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?
- So Kyle, your dad still bringing home
those big, fat lawyer paychecks?
I don't know. - Stewart,
don't even get started.
What? I'm just asking a question.
You know your dad and I used to be best friends
when we were teenagers.
We even worked together at Pizza Shack.
But he got promoted, went off to community college,
and I didn't.
And you know why?
'Cause your dad's Jewish!
Heh. I heard that.
That ain't why, Stewart!
It's because you are an alcoholic retard,
and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles
for dinner every night!
Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?
What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?
You put 'em in the toaster, you cook em!
You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.
My waffle's done! My waffle's done!
- Now, Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody.
You have to split that with your brother.
Oh Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
Hey! We don't say fuck at the table,
you little asshole!
Yeah, we apparently don't say "side dishes" either.
[sneezes] - Kenny, honey,
if you're gonna sneeze, sneeze on them.
Huh? - [sneezes]
Hey!
Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny.
Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
Come on, let's just get in our sleeping bags
and get this night over with.
Cartman, what the hell is that?
It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it cool?
No, it's not cool!
Dude, I think I just saw a rat.
Ah! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Mm-hmm. - Dude, seriously,
you better stop being so poor
or else I'm gonna start hocking rocks at ya.
I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.
[mumbling]
Oh.
[sneezes]
Okay, let me see.
Oh, goody, you've got a fever!
Goody? What do you mean goody?
Yep, it looks like you've got chickenpox, all right.
Chickenp--Oh no!
I must've caught it from Kenny last night.
Oh gee, I guess you did.
Well, you sure seem happy about it.
All right, it's off to bed with you, young man.
[moaning softly]
Don't scratch it, hon.
But, Mom, seriously, it itches.
I can't stand it!
No, hon. - Mom, seriously!
I got you some calamine lotion.
I don't wanna!
It'll make your itches go away.
Ahh. Hey, give me that!
[sighs]
- Not too much, hon.
It says on the bottle that too much can be bad.
More calamine lotion!
I don't understand it, he's perfectly healthy.
Yeah, I feel great.
Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?
Yeah dude. I told you we had bread sandwiches for breakfast.
Did you sleep in the same room?
Yes, why?
Bubie, how would you like to spend the night
at your friend Kenny's house again?
No way, dude, it sucked ass.
They didn't even have cable.
Well, I think you need to spend more time
with your friends.
Kenny's not really my friend, Ma.
I don't give a rat's ass about him.
I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
Ahh. Hey dad, is it true
that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends
when you were young?
Who Stewart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were.
Well, how come Kenny's family
eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor,
and we have a big house and lots of food?
- Well, because Kenny's family
doesn't have as much money as we do.
But why? If they're hungry and poor,
why don't we just always give them half of our food?
[laughs]
Oh, boy, have you got a lot to learn.
Sit down, son.
You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society.
And in order for a society to thrive,
we need Gods and clods.
Gods and clods? - Yes.
You see, I spent a lot of time going to law school
and I was able to go because I have
a slightly higher intellect than others.
But I still need people to pump my gas
and make my French fries
and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down.
Oh, I see. Gods and clods.
That's right, so Kenny's family
is happy just the way they are.
And we're all a functioning part of America.
[crickets chirping]
Stanley, can I get you anything else?
Stanley? Oh my God.
Randy! Randy, hurry! He's burning up!
Don't you worry, Stanley; you're going to be okay.
Can I talk to you outside?
Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?
Okay. - Serves you right,
you little brat.
At least I'm not gonna die from it like you might!
- [laughs] - If I die from this,
I'm taking you with me!
Will Carol find out she's a fireman?
I don't wanna watch this.
I wanna watch "Terrance & Phillip."
- We're watching this.
Well, I've got the remote, bitch! [laughs]
Say, Terrance, would you check my ass for abnormalities?
Sure thing, Phillip.
[farts] - [laughs] You got me again!
That's tomfoolery.
[laughter]
Give me the remote. - No way, dude.
We're gonna watch "Terrance & Phillip" all day.
Hey! Get me outta here!
She was a-- - He'll be okay.
But it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while.
Oh God, what have we done?
There, there now, it's not your fault.
Doctor, we purposely sent our son to stay with a friend
who had chickenpox so that he would get it early.
Ooh, wow, you did?
Wow, you guys suck.
Can we go home now, Mom?
No bubula, you play with Kenny some more.
But we've been playing for 8 hours!
We can't think of anything else to do.
I've got a great game for you!
It's called Ookie Mouth. - What's Ookie Mouth?
First you let Kenny spit in your mouth.
Then you try to swallow his spit
and try to say "Ookie Mouth" at the same time.
Sick, dude! - No, no, boobie.
It's loads of fun. Try it!
That outta take care of it.
You want some more hot water?
Oh no thank you. It's terrific, though.
You don't have any teabags or coffee grounds
to go in the hot water do you?
No, we don't care for that hoity-toity, rich folk stuff.
I see; well, you certainly have a humble home,
Mrs. McCormick.
Yeah, well, unfortunately my husband
is a washed-up hunk of shit!
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
[Kenny spits]
Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
Try again, bubie!
[Kenny spits] - Ahh!
You know, your husband and mine
used to work together as teenagers.
Oh, they was best friends. You couldn't separate 'em.
Really?
I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know.
What happened to them?
Oh, they just grew apart, I guess.
I think Stewart's a little jealous that your husband got
out of making pizzas and went on
to make something of hisself.
Well, that's too bad.
I'm sure your husband is a fine man.
Oh, hell no. He's a nugget of deer turd.
But if they were such good friends,
it seems silly that they don't even talk anymore.
Let's get them together. - I don't know.
We'll just arrange a little fishing trip
for them or something.
I can't say "Ookie Mouth" and have Kenny
spit down my throat at the same time.
It's impossible.
Practice makes perfect, boobie.
God damn it, where's that calamine lotion?
Phillip, I got good news and bad news.
Give it to me straight, Terrance.
The good news is you have a clean bill of health.
Oh, what a relief!
The bad news is you have cancer.
[gasps] - Cancer?
Yes, I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
My ass is collapsing!
Yes. See this x-ray? That's your ass.
See that line? That's your ass collapsing.
Your ass is collapsing!
Will this mean I won't be able to fart anymore?
No, it means you won't be able to live anymore.
[laughter]
Oh, no.
Damn it! - [meows]
- No, kitty that's a-- wait a minute.
Come here, kitty. - [meows]
Yes, yes.
I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine lotion.
It's about friggin' time! Give me that!
Just use a little bit of that stuff, hon.
It has to last a while.
Gimme.
[grunting]
Gimme.
[sighs]
Yes...
Oh, you guys, seriously... [mumbles]
[sighs]
I didn't know you liked to fish, Gerry.
Oh yeah, I love it.
I haven't done it for a while, though.
I had to run out a buy a few things.
You know, a rod and a reel and a...
Tackle box? - Yeah! Tackle box.
[inhales deeply] Man, smell that mountain air.
What a great Saturday morning. Aren't weekends just the best?
When you're unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
Right, right, right.
[school bell rings]
And so, children, that's how you tell
a prostitute from a policeman.
Now, are there any questions?
Yes, Kyle.
What the hell does that have to do with American history?
That's a good question, Kyle.
Are there any other questions?
Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here.
Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Right, right.
Well, class, I'm gonna assign you all a paper.
The theme of the paper will be
"How I would make America better."
What? Does everybody have to do it or just me?
Don't worry, Kyle, I'm sending homework
to all the children who are out sick.
They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
Homework? But I'm in the hospital!
Well, your teacher sent this stuff over
for you to do while you're sick.
That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?
Now, Stanley, I know at your age
teachers can seem cold and heartless,
but later you'll understand
that he did this for your own good.
Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo.
Yeah, it's true, he is. - Oh.
Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper.
Wait, where are you going?
We're going down to, uh, Happy Burger
for some milkshakes. - Milkshakes?
Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
See ya, son. - Weak.
"So this is how America works.
"We have Gods and clods.
"My dad says America needs both rich and poor to survive,
but I have a better idea."
No, I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz;
he's perfectly healthy.
He's been over at Kenny's house three days in a row
and still hasn't caught the chickenpox.
What? - I don't know what else to do.
We sent the other boys over and they all got sick,
but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it.
Oh, my God! - Kyle!
What are you doing there, honey?
You!
I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.
You! - What, bubula? What is it?
You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose!
You wanted us to get sick!
Oy. It was for your own good, Kyle.
I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young.
Why? So I could be sitting in the hospital
waiting to die like Stan?
Now, Kyle, come here.
You get away from me, you crazy woman!
Oh boy.
Beer? - Huh?
Oh, no thanks, I brought my own.
Microbrew sampler from Aspen.
Has six different beers from local breweries.
Say, remember that time we built
the fort in your mom's backyard?
[laughs] Yeah.
It took us damned near two years to finish it.
[laughs] Whatever happened to that old hunk of junk?
That's where I live now.
Oh, right.
"And so that's why 'Nightrider'
was the best show in America."
Stan, Stan! - Shh!
Wake her up, and we're both dead.
Sorry, sorry, you know how after we spent the night
at Kenny's house and you and Cartman
got sick with chickenpox?
Yeah? - Dude.
Our parents sent us over there to get us sick.
What are you talking about?
They knew that staying at Kenny's house
would make us sick and they made us do it anyway.
They did? - Yeah.
And I think I figured out why. - Why?
Because they're a bunch of assholes.
[gasps] Of course!
Come on, dude, we gotta get outta here.
I don't know what they're planning next,
but it can't be good.
"I hope that one day
"America can be more like Endor
"where the Ewoks live.
Endor is very cool."
[doorbell rings] Mom, answer that!
"They have trees and Ewoks and barbeques,
"which is why I like Endor more than America.
It's... cool."
Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night
at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
Cartman, our parents sent us over there
to catch chickenpox from Kenny.
Yeah, dude.
Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
She what?
It's some kind of parental conspiracy.
Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
- That bitch!
I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
- No, no, no, no. Come on, fatass.
We're gonna get em all back.
Well, I'm sure you'll find another job soon.
Something will come along.
It's not that easy. You were lucky.
Now now, I wasn't lucky. - You had rich parents.
You got to go to that expensive community college.
Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today.
I wanted to be somebody! - I wanted to be somebody, too!
I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass!
You're just jealous!
You're a bitter old drunk just like your father!
Oww!
Now, don't make me do that again.
Oww! You son of a bitch!
[both shouting]
Doctor?
Yes. - Where's Stan?
Stan?
Stan, our son. - Oh, yes, where is Stan?
You mean Stanley's missing?
No no, he's not missing.
We just--can't seem to find him at this moment.
Oh, my God, our son ran away!
Will he be okay out of the hospital?
Oh, sure, sure.
But we have to get him back soon; if he doesn't get
his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
Die? - Yes, die.
It won't be an easy death either.
The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea
into his lungs.
Okay, well, let's go look.
she chokes for breath, the pox will move
through his inner ear into his brain
making him think he's David Duchovny.
Oh, God, no!
I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably
his cellular structure will regress
in a gelatinous mass of--
So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
- That son of a bitch ripped my parka!
Catch anything?
I just don't get it.
Why would he invite me fishing
and then turn into a complete bastard?
Well darling, I have to tell you something.
He didn't invite you; I set the whole thing up.
What? Now, why the hell would you
knowingly deceive me like that?
I thought it would be good for you.
Just like you deceived our son
into going to Kenny's, and that didn't work either!
I'm doing the best I can!
"My Final Solution" by Kyle Broflovski.
My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world.
He has taught me that all poor people
are actually things called clods.
I wanna live in a world of only Gods,
so my idea to make America better,
is to put all poor people into camps.
What? - If we get rid of them,
there will be nothing but rich people;
and there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people,
'cause they'll all be dead. The end.
Oh, God, what have I done?
What's happening here, Terrance?
We're doing an anal transplant;
it's our only hope. - Who's the donor?
I am Phillip. I am.
Terrance, you're giving up your ass for me?
Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip?
Here we are, best friends,
and now we're going to share the same ass.
[knock on door] Oh damn it! Not now!
Damn it!
Children, what are you doing here?
Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!
Chef, we wanna know about herpes.
What makes you think I would know anything about that?
I dunno, you're just the only grownup we trust.
How does someone get herpes?
Well, you get it by sharing relations
with somebody who already has it.
You have to be very careful around someone who has herpes.
- Do you know anybody with herpes?
Well, there's old Frida, down on Main Street.
She has a mouthful of herpes.
You need to stay away from her.
But what if we want to give somebody herpes?
Oh, then Frida's the right person to go to.
Cool! Thanks, Chef!
Okay!
Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?
Stanley? - Stan?
Oh, Stanley, where are you?
Stan? - Stanley!
Are you old Frida? - Who wants to know?
Someone who wants a favor.
Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a nut.
Huh?
We want you to give our parents herpes.
Five dollars.
My dad has $5 on top of his dresser.
[coughs] - Stan you sound pretty sick.
Maybe you should go back to the hospital.
And have Shelley kick my ass? No thanks.
Plus, I got to get my parents back just as much as you do.
[The Monkees' "I'm A Believer"]
♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales ♪
♪ Meant for someone else, but not for me ♪
♪♪
♪ Love was out to get me ♪
♪ That's the way it seemed ♪
♪ Disappointment haunted all my dreams ♪
♪ Then I saw her face ♪
♪ Now I'm a believer ♪
♪ Not a trace ♪
♪ Of doubt in my mind ♪
♪ I'm in love ♪
♪ I'm believer ♪
♪ I couldn't leave her if I tried ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪♪
Thanks a lot, Frida.
[coughs] Don't mention it.
[coughs]
Dude, this is gonna be so killer.
They're all gonna get herpes.
[both] Hooray!
Stanley, where the hell have you been?
Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick!
You have to get back to the hospital for a shot.
I don't wanna go back there.
Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital.
Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?
What?
You know, freshen up your breath.
Oh man, I don't feel so good.
Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken--
[gasps] Kyle!
[tense music]
Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson.
Going out and playing around with chickenpox
almost killed you all. - We're sorry.
- Well, just be thankful we got you here in time.
Your parents are here to see you.
I'll send them in. - This itches.
Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman.
- Hell no, you guys get your own.
- Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?
- Pretty good.
The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.
Yeah, isn't that great, Stanley?
Wow, cool! - And how are you, Kyle?
Are you doing okay? - I'm better now.
[laughter]
What's so funny, you two?
We gave you guys herpes.
What? What? what? You did this?
We got you back for getting us sick.
We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
I can't believe you gave us herpes.
You little rascals!
Well, I guess it serves us right.
Kids, we should've been honest
about wanting you to get chickenpox.
It's true; we were wrong for deceiving you about it.
Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Mom?
Ooh, I have them somewhere else, poopykins.
Hooray!
And, uh, Stewart, I think I owe you an apology.
I've realized I shouldn't be so cold
towards people that are less fortunate than me.
Oh hell, I'm sorry, too.
Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything
turned out for the better. [farts]
[laughter]
Well, I know one thing for sure.
What's that, Eric?
We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
[laughter]
[monitor flatlines]
Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
You bastards!
[laughter]
["I'm A Believer" resumes]
♪♪
- ♪ Love was out to get me ♪
♪ That's the way it seems ♪
♪ Disappointment haunted all my dreams ♪
♪ Then I saw her-- ♪