[cheers and applause]
Hello, everyone. I'm Trey Parker.
And I'm Matt Stone, and we're doing what we do best...
all: Bakin' bacon with Macon!
That's right, and here to help us
is our old buddy, Macon.
[Macon oinks, crowd cheers]
Nobody likes bakin' bacon more than Macon.
That's true, if someone's bakin' bacon,
Macon's heart starts breaking if he's forsaken.
Well, today we're gonna make a bacon dish
that you kids can all make at home,
Western Iowa Bacon Casserole.
[audience oohs]
First off, let's cook the bacon.
Butter.
Bacon. Salt.
Mmm, that smells good.
You like that, Macon? [Macon oinks]
You better give Macon his treat.
Oh, right.
Now, what we've done for Macon is,
we've taken some bacon
and we've wrapped it around some pork sausages.
This is one of Macon's favorite treats.
All right, buddy. Here you go, here you go.
Yeah!
Come on, come on.
[laughter]
Once the bacon is done, we chop it up
and then get a casserole dish
where we add our other ingredients.
That's right.
Frozen hash browns on the bottom.
Bacon in the middle.
Some processed cheese item.
More bacon. - More bacon.
- And then we're gonna top it all off with bacon.
[audience oohs]
Now, we're gonna bake this for 30 minutes at 450 degrees.
And while we're waiting, let's watch
our favorite episode of "South Park."
It's all about the boys' haunting trip
to the planetarium and Cartman's quest to be a star.
That's right, you know, most people don't know it,
but this episode is actually a parody
of an old "Star Trek" episode called "Dagger of the Mind."
And so that's why we decided to call this episode
"Roger Ebert Should Eat Less Fatty Foods."
[laughter and applause]
Enjoy the show, and we'll be back
with Western Idaho Bacon Casserole.
[cheers and applause]
[twangy music]
♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[singing indistinctly]
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Well, Detective, it looks like you fooled them again.
All in a day's work, I guess.
I just hope that next time I don't have to run so much.
♪♪
Okay, children, what do you think
Barnaby Jones meant when he said,
"This is not a victimless crime"?
Anybody?
Children, were you paying attention?
Mr. Garrison, we've been watching
"Barnaby Jones" repeats for eight days now.
It's hard to keep paying attention.
Oh, well, excuse me, Kyle.
Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?
Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones,
and then let's see how far you get in society.
Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us
how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?
Can't we just be like normal third graders
for a little while?
Oh, and what do you consider normal?
I don't know, like learn about art and music
and go on field trips and stuff.
[all] Yeah! - Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants,
it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow.
[all] Hooray! - To where?
To the planetarium.
[all] Aww!
Planetariums suck.
Oh, now, what's wrong with a planetarium?
It's boring.
Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
Well, too bad, you're all going
to the planetarium tomorrow, and you're all gonna love it.
In the meantime, we're gonna watch episode #203,
"Barnaby Under Siege." [children groan]
Oh, sorry, I taped these at home,
so there's more commercials.
Hey, kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?
[all] Yes.
Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid
to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song.
Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.
I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
If you win, you could be picked
to be in our next Cheesy Poof commercial.
So remember... ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ You love "Cheesy Poofs" ♪
♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ We'd be lame ♪
Okay, children, let's quiet down
so the nice bus driver
can concentrate on the road.
That ain't how you do it! You do it like this!
Sit down and shut up!
Ow, Jesus, lady!
[all] Whoa! - This is the planetarium!
Watch your step on the way down so as not to hurt yourselves!
Ow.
Okay, children, now, I'm going to remind you
that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel.
Let's behave ourselves.
Does your child have what it takes
to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
Hey, there it is!
We're going around the country
to find the kid who can sing
the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song
with both hands tied behind my back.
- You couldn't get both your arms behind your back, fat-ass.
Come on, Eric, we're going to the planetarium.
But I have to go sing the Cheesy Poofs song
for that talent van!
No, you have to go in this building
and see a bunch of stupid stars, now, come on.
[yelling indistinctly]
Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams.
Welcome to the planet-arium.
I thought it was planetarium?
Well, it is, but I have a bone disease
which impedes my ability
to pronounce the "T" in planet-arium.
That's a pretty weird bone disease.
Yes, perhaps someday I can get a bone marrow transplant.
Yes, little boy?
How long is that Cheesy Poof van gonna be outside?
Well, I don't know, but anyway, boys and girls,
soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe.
But first I want to show you how the planet-arium works.
As if we care?
Hey, who are you?
Little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
I love my work.
Wow, dude, you're only as old as us.
Shouldn't you be in school? - I love my work.
[ominous music]
Come on, let's get into the planet-arium, shall we?
Good morning, children, and welcome to the planet-arium.
We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe.
So I want you to lean back
in your chairs and get comfortable.
This is stupid.
And now I'm going to dim the lights
and let the stars... come out.
Whoopee.
Here we see the constellation called the Big Dipper.
If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...
we see where this constellation gets its name.
These stars over here form the constellation
of Taurus, the bull.
While these stars form the constellation Roger Ebert.
And these two little stars over here
form the constellation the Crusades.
Now, stars are actually made of hot gas,
which is exactly what comes out of--
Ah, man, screw this.
And now breathe deep as the stars
slowly start to move in little circles.
I know you think planet-ariums are boring,
but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ We'd be lame ♪
That was great, Tommy!
Tommy Frets from Torey Pines.
He could be our winner.
Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass.
Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
Eric Cartman.
All right, here's Eric Cartman
giving it a shot.
- [grunts] - [clears throat]
♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ We'd be... lame! ♪
♪ I'm talking "Night Court ♪
♪ In its fifth season" lame... ♪
Wow! - That's right, suck on that.
Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
Me neither! But I loved the planetarium.
Me too. It was sweet.
Really? What did you like best about it?
I don't know.
I don't even remember what happened.
Wait a minute, where is Eric?
I did it! I did it! - Did what?
I got a callback for the Cheesy Poofs song!
You snuck off and sang that stupid song?
Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!
Good-bye, children. Thanks for visiting.
Don't forget, we have laser rock shows
at night here at the planet-arium.
This week it's laser Kenny Loggins and laser James Taylor.
My head still feels funny. - Yeah, mine too.
Hey, guys, when I'm doing the Cheesy Poof commercials,
I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
Like you really need it, hippo ass.
It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle.
It really is.
[screams] - [screams]
Whoa, dude, who the hell are you?
My... name... is... Van Gelder.
Van Gelder? What the hell are you doing on our bus?
Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid
from the planetarium on our bus!
Oh, great, well, I guess we have to go back.
No! Don't go back! No!
Hey, be careful, asshole.
Don't take me back there! Can't! Can't!
All right, dude. Mellow out! Jeez.
We better get him to the nurse's office, stat.
♪♪
Ah! The planetarium!
I'll give him a painkiller. That should calm him down.
No! No painkiller! I'll be okay.
Okay, Van Gelder? - [screams]
Mm-kay, I'm Counselor Mackey.
Have you been smoking mari-ju-ana?
Mari-ju-ana's bad, mm-kay?
Must tell... the machine...
the machine is...
I've never seen anything like this.
What do you think, Principal?
Well, whatever happened to him,
happened at the planetarium.
Ah! Planetarium! - I think tonight
the planetarium's doing laser Loggins.
I might have to check it out. - [screams]
[Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" playing]
♪ I'm turning it loose ♪
♪ Footloose ♪
♪ Kick off the Sunday shoes ♪
Oh, man, this is boring!
Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?
Dude, this is totally killer.
I hope this goes on for, like, seven months, man.
♪ Come on before we crack ♪
♪♪
You will not remember what happens here.
To remember it will cause incredible pain.
Incredible pain!
Incredible, icky pain!
Dude, I'm totally tripping. - Dude, this is totally killer.
[bell ringing]
Okay, children, today we're going to learn
all about Japanese poems called "haiku."
A haiku is just like a normal American poem
except that it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.
For example... uh, where's Eric Cartman?
That's a haiku? - No, I'm asking why
Eric Cartman isn't at school. - Oh.
Was he on the school bus this morning?
No.
♪ Fat ass Cartman was ♪
♪ Not on the school bus today ♪
♪ What a big fat turd ♪
Oh, very good haiku, Kyle.
Yes, haikus have five syllables,
then seven, then five.
Kenny, can you give us another example?
[mumbling]
[laughter]
What's a discharge?
Mr. Garrison, since haikus suck so much ass,
can we go back to the planetarium again?
Yeah, I want to go to the planetarium again, too.
But you were just there.
Why do you want to go again so soon?
Yeah, why do we want to go again so soon?
I don't know.
I just have this sudden urge to go back.
Well, I guess we could go again,
since it's just down the street.
Well, hello!
It's all my little friends,
with all their little dreams.
Eric, where have you been?
Let's see, where have I been? Where have I been?
Where have you been, Cartman?
Well, I might have been over
at the Cheesy Poof callback
winning regional championships! [all gasp]
This is my regional championship certificate.
Do you like it?
Hey, Where's your regional champion certificate, Clyde?
Oh, you don't have one?
Hmm... do you have a regional certificate, Wendy?
No? Apparently, only I do!
♪ Ass full of pork fat ♪
♪ Jiggles like a Jell-O mold ♪
♪ Mouth is flapping too ♪
Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle.
I'm regional champion.
Does that mean you're gonna be in
that Cheesy Poof commercial?
It's between me and four other kids.
I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
♪ I bet you don't win ♪
♪ They don't let big fat asses ♪
♪ Perform on TV ♪
Very good, Kyle. - ♪ Shut your goddamn mouth ♪
♪ Or else I'm gonna... kick you ♪
♪ Square in the balls... asshole ♪
Oh, damn it!
How's he doing, nurse?
He's stable, but I still can't get
any information out of him.
I'm gonna sedate him now.
No! No drugs!
Drugs are good, mm-kay?
Don't let them go... planetarium!
Why, Van Gelder?
The machine... the machine is--
[screams] - The machine is... ah?
That's probably bad.
- He's been talking about "the machine" for hours.
That and Daisy Fuentes.
Why? Why, "America's Funniest Home Videos," why?
There's only one way to get any sense out of him.
We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mm-kay?
A what?
It's an ancient technique handed down
from school counselor to school counselor.
I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
Well, what will you need?
Just time to prepare, Nurse.
Just time.
Mm-kay?
Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
They just begged to come back.
I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
- Well, I'm sure we're gonna have a marvelous time.
Won't we, children?
[all] Yes.
This way, please. - Enjoy your visit.
Billions of stars and billions of galaxies
make up our universe.
Here you see Polaris, the Dog Star.
I'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee.
Certainly, Mr. Garrison.
You love the planetarium!
To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain.
All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive.
To not do so makes your stomach ache
with needle-like stab--
and right over here,
we see the constellation Orion.
Orion's Belt is made up of three stars, one of which--
Dude, what just happened? - What do you mean?
Come on, we gotta get out of here
before something bad happens.
Don't pick your nose, hon.
I wasn't picking it, I had an itch,
for crying out loud!
Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
- I don't know, there's a lot of competition here.
Do you think I might win, Mommy?
I hope so, honey-- then, perhaps,
we can eat for a little while.
[melancholy piano music]
- Hey, look, they're giving away bread outside!
Did you hear that, Mommy? - Come on!
Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!
Psych!
What the hell are you boys doing?
You're supposed to be in there.
Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is--
Shh.
Good-bye, children. Thanks for coming.
I want to go again. I want to go again!
- Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde, you just went.
Well, Clyde, if you like the planet-arium so much,
perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
Yes. Yes, please.
Me too! - Me too!
I want to do it! - Yeah, me too.
Mr. Garrison? - Well, I guess I could
give 'em extra credit for it.
Excellent! Why don't we step over here,
and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
[children cheer]
Dude, this isn't right. - What?
We're kids, dude.
We don't volunteer for anything.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, we gotta see what's going on in there.
Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.
[humming]
He hits this switch.
[mumbles]
You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.
Yeah, I guess so.
[mumbles]
What does that do? - I don't know.
Kenny, what's it doing?
[mumbling excitedly]
This says "maximum."
Oh, my God! We've killed Kenny!
We're bastards!
Dude, I told you something was up with this place.
We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
[clapping rhythmically] G-O.
♪ G-O, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
[clapping rhythmically] O.
♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪
♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
[clapping rhythmically] Ing.
♪ And Bingo was his name-o! ♪
Thank you, uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.
Next will be, uh, Eric Theodore Cartman.
Hello, everybody.
Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.
I know, I know.
♪ She works hard for the money! ♪
♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪
♪ She works hard for the money ♪
♪ So you better treat her right ♪
♪ She works hard for the money ♪
♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪
♪ She works hard for the money ♪
♪ So you better treat her right! ♪
Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.
Thank you. - We'll let you know.
Thank you. Don't pick your nose, hon.
I'm not picking it, Ma! God damn it, I have an itch!
Jesus, where do we find these people?
Our minds are one, mm-kay?
Our thoughts are one, mm-kay?
This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Please, Nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head,
you're not being very open-minded.
Open your mind to your counselor.
Open your mind.
- Dr. Adams... - Yes.
He owns the planetarium. What about him?
[both together] He uses the machine.
The star machine. - Mm-kay?
[both together] He uses it to erase minds.
But why?
[both together] Planetarium about to go out of business.
Adams has to create slaves to survive.
My God, this is amazing.
Please, Nurse, you're throwing off my chi, mm-kay?
Well, we certainly want to congratulate all our finalists.
Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize,
and, unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.
Yes! I'm the best!
You were actually our last choice,
but the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs
as volunteers at the planetarium.
That's odd. - Sweet!
It appears that more and more South Park residents
are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium.
Here with a special report is a 34-year-old Asian man
who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
Thanks, Tom, yes, indeed, the planetarium
has become very popular as word spreads
that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected.
I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation
to all South Park residents
to come see a special free show this evening.
I guarantee it will change the way you think
about the planet-arium.
So bring the whole family to the planetarium
for a night of excitement and wonder.
And then we turned the dial,
and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
That's a pretty farfetched story, boys.
But it's true, dude! - Are you boys sure
you're not just making this all up?
Yeah, pretty sure.
Well, just as soon as I handle
all the other crime in South Park,
I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium
so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
What other crime in South Park?
Oh, yeah. Let's go.
Okay, let's shoot the commercial.
Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
I'm over here! - Oh, you look great, hon.
Mommy's fat little piggy.
Hey!
Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
Okay, roll camera, and... action!
♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪ - Oh, wait! Wait!
You've got a little eye booger, hon.
Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake! - Got it!
And... action. - ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
Hold it! Cut!
Can we get more light on that backdrop?
Sure thing. - Oh, man, come on.
Got it.
Okay, here we go, and... action!
♪ I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy ♪
Cut! - What?
I'm not liking the shoes. Can we change the shoes?
Oh, God damn it!
Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
What brings you out here?
Well, these boys seem to think
you're some kind of sick weirdo
that's got a master plan to screw with the minds
of everyone in town.
[laughs]
Oh, really?
Yeah, I just thought I'd come show them around
so they know there's nothing to be scared of.
Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.
Okay, I'll be quick then.
Of course, Officer, come on in.
Hello, children.
Oh, no. They got Chef too!
Welcome to the planetarium.
Well, it's nice to see you finally got
a real job, Chef.
I love my work.
I know what you mean.
I've always loved the planetarium too.
Would you like to see the stars, Officer?
[both] No! - That would be superduper!
Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
Hello? - Hi, Grandma, it's me, Eric!
Oh, hello, Eric!
Grandma sure has missed you.
I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be
on television tonight, so be sure to watch.
Oh, I will, Eric.
You know, I remember when I was a little girl
and had my first talent show audition--
Okay, bye.
Hello, the Marshes aren't in right now.
Please leave a message. [machine beeps]
Stan, I'm gonna be on TV tonight.
Be sure to watch.
Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis.
Please leave a message.
Where the hell is everybody?
I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
Oh, neato!
And now, Officer, from this moment on,
you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
Oh?
To not be Elvis will cause you great pain!
Pain. - You see, children?
There's no stopping me.
Even your highly intelligent policemen
are no match for me.
He's not highly intelligent. - Why are you doing this, dude?
Why? Because nowadays, kids have computers
and surround sound television.
They've forgotten all about planet-ariums,
but I'll make 'em remember, starting with the two of you!
"Terrence and Phillip" will be right back
after these announcements.
Oh, dude, here it comes!
Packed full of ingredients,
Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up!
So remember: ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.
And now back to "Terrence and Phillip."
Yes! Yes, that was me!
I was on television!
Aha! Caught you red-handed, mm-kay?
Mr. Mackey! - Officer Barbrady.
This man is using some kind of mind control.
[mumbling indistinctly as Elvis]
What's wrong with him?
[mumbling indistinctly as Elvis]
Oh, no, apparently he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
No, you idiot. He thinks he's Elvis.
Elvis, escort our guests to the planet-arium.
[as Elvis] Folks, if you wouldn't mind,
could you please follow me?
Uh-oh. - [singing]
Well, let's begin, shall we?
And now you will remember nothing
except that the planet-arium
is the best thing you've ever known.
Well, well, well, you guys can all kiss my ass
because I was on television!
[whirring intensifies]
Hey, didn't you guys hear? I was on television!
You missed it!
You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!
[metal creaks]
Planetariums suck ass!
[pulsing intensifies]
Ugh... ugh!
Cartman, you saved us!
The hell are you talking about?
Get over here and untie us.
Eric, you really saved the day, mm-kay?
Not so fast there, tubby.
I'm just taking care of business.
Think hard, Elvis.
You're not really the king of rock 'n' roll.
You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman
in a small town, mm-kay?
Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, Counselor!
Oh, my God! Dr. Adams!
He got a full dose of the stars.
Yeah, with nobody around to say anything.
Can you imagine it, Stan?
A mind emptied by that thing?
Wow, what a day this has been.
I was on TV, and I'm a hero!
Don't pick your nose, hon!
God damn it, Ma! I wasn't picking it!
I had an itch!
♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.
♪♪