♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woe's behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[♪ Mumbling ♪]
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
Mom, please, can we just leave?
You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
But I hate the eye doctor.
He's always making fun of me for being fat.
You're not fat. You're big-boned!
That's what I told him but he doesn't listen to reason.
Eric Cartman?
Oh, weak.
Hello Eric.
Hi, Doctor Lott.
How's my little piggy, today?
Hey, don't call me "little piggy"!
I just say that because you're my little buddy.
I'm just here for an eye exam
keep your fat jokes to yourself!
Hop up on the chair.
Don't break it, now.
Goddamn it!
Just kidding, let's see how your eyes are doing.
All you have to do is read the letters.
Can you see the letters?
Yes.
Read them out for me.
I-am-a-little-piggy.
Hey! - Ha ha ha!
That does it! Mom!
No no, that's just a weird coincidence.
I do not know how that happened.
"I am a little piggy," what are the odds of that!
Alright, let's get down to business, shall we?
Gee that's a good idea.
My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian.
Hmmm, let's see, which is better, 1 or 2?
They look exactly the same!
Just pick one-- or 2?
I dunno-2.
Okay.
1 or 2? 1 or 2?
Uh, 1.
1 or 2? 1 or 2?
2!
No! The answer is 1, piggy, 1!
Ooww, I hate you!
Yes, there's obviously a problem with your eyes.
I'm going to have to dilate them and run some tests.
I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
Yeah, usually when he ditches school he still shows up for lunch!
[mumbling]
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, oh, here he comes!
Hey, dudes.
Wow, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
My asshole eye doctor made them all diabated.
Why?
Why? I'll tell you why,
because he's a goddamn asshole,
and that's about it!
Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Because my eyes suck.
But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm gonna do!
Dude, just ask Chef for help, he always knows what to do.
Hey yeah.
Oww!
Hey Chef!
Hello there, children!
Dudes, now my eyes are screwed up.
Chef looks like a skinny little white guy!
It's time for luncharoo!
Where's Chef?
Chef quit!
[all] What!
Chef is gone, so let me introduce myself...
I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp!
[♪ Fanfare ♪]
Mr. Derp?
When I'm in the kitchen,
you never know what nutty things are gonna happen.
If you liked Chef, you're gonna love Mr. Derp!
[♪ Fanfare ♪]
Ooh-derp!
Derp!
Wasn't that silly kids?
Ha ha ha!
Why did Chef quit?
Aren't I a great character?
My antics go right to the funnybone!
Ooh, I don't feel so good.
Ha ha ha, derp!
Could you just hand us some food, please?
Sure gang, I have yellow stuff or white stuff. Derp!
Can I have the yellow with a side of white?
Dude, I hate Mr. Derp.
Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school
and get him to come back.
I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing is pretty funny.
Shut up, Cartman!
Oww!
Oh, hello there, children!
Chef, what the hell are you doing?
We almost starved to death at lunch today!
Oh, didn't they tell you?
I quit.
Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
Well, it's true.
But why?
Why would you quit?
Children, 3 nights ago I was at the library
checking out some books on Kama Sutra,
when I met the most amazing woman, ever!
She knew so much about so many things.
She really got me thinking.
We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off!
So you made sweet love to her down by the fire?
No no, we just sat there all night long and... talked.
Talked?
Yeah, she told me all about the power of the Goddess.
And how man had been oppressing women for years
and viewing them as sexual objects.
And I realized that I had done that myself!
Oh, what darling little children!
Here she is now.
Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
That's nice.
Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor--girlfriend?
Children, Veronica's moving in with me.
Moving in?
I'm in love.
[all] Love?!
Oh, you nut!
What the hell is going on?
Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me.
Sorry, boys.
Looks like I'm stealing Chef away from you.
But Chef always helps us with our problems.
When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better!
Well I can still do that, children.
In fact, Veronica can help me.
She's a great singer too.
What's the problem?
My eyes are going bad
but the only eye doctor in South Park
is really, really mean.
Oh, I know just the song for you.
♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
♪ We have a chance to find the sunshine ♪
♪ Let's keep on looking for the light... ♪♪
This... is insane.
That bitch!
She's stealing Chef from us!
He didn't even seem like Chef.
He seemed like an empty shell of a man.
Maybe it's just a phase.
We just have to get him alone
so we can tell him what a bitch she is!
Wait, you guys...
Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous
because Chef is our friend
and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
Yeah, so?
Yeah, screw that bitch!
Bitch, I hate that bitch!
Look, we've just got to get Chef alone.
He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
Good idea!
Alright, we've got the test results back, piggy--
Stop calling me piggy!
You've got a small stigmatism that's causing all the problems.
What does that mean?
It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
Alright. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious, okay?
If you call me piggy one more time,
I'm gonna leap out of this chair
and rip your goddamn nuts off with my bare hands!
Well don't worry, I've got something
that is going to make your eyes as good as new.
Oh dude, super weak.
I'm not wearing these.
The guys would totally rip on me!
I know the hardest thing to do
is get kids to wear their glasses.
I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave.
That's why we have the little stapler.
Oww, son of a bitch!
They said Chef works in one of these buildings.
Hey, dudes.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha!
"Ha ha ha, look at Cartman with his stupid glasses. Ha ha ha."
Dude, just take them off!
I can't, it's stapled to my head!
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
I hate you guys.
Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein, can I help you?
We want to talk to Chef!
Chef?
He's a big guy with a beard and a Chef's hat.
[mumbling]
Oh, the black guy!
Huh?
Third cubicle on the left.
Hey, aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Mcguire?
Uh yeah, sure, sure!
Wow, you really got fat!
Hey!
Hello there children!
Hey Chef.
Eric, you've got glasses!
Chef, you have to dump the bitch.
Huh?
We need you Chef!
Hey Chef, we're all gonna run down to the office supply store
and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
You bet!
Chef this place isn't you.
Children, Veronica has shown me that I've been living a very empty life.
Meaningless sex is fun for 20 or 30 years,
but after that, it starts to get old.
But we don't like her!
Why not?
I don't know. No reason, I guess.
Children, friends get girlfriends all the time.
It's something even you will have to face with each other someday.
No way, dude!
Please Chef, I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses!
That's easy, get some laser-corrective surgery.
That's what I did!
Hey, laser-corrective surgery, thanks Chef!
You see, everything's gonna be fine.
How about I meet you boys after work and we can play ball?
[all] Okay!
Chef should be here any minute.
Dude, he bailed on us!
I can't believe it!
C'mon, we're going to his house.
[knocking]
Oh! Hello there children.
Alright mister!
You'd better have a good explanation why you didn't show up to play ball!
Oh children, I'm sorry, I forgot.
You forgot?
Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner.
She's so amazing!
Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef.
Hello, children!
Man, we're having a dude man to man here if you don't mind.
Children, I've got some great news for you.
Veronica and I are getting married.
Oh no, no no no!
My whole family's coming in for the wedding.
I want you boys to come, too.
This is so wonderful!
Let's sing!
♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
♪ We have a chance to find the sunshine... ♪♪
And that, children, is what you need to know
about the facts of life.
So let's review...
Tootie left in the 4th season,
but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands,
leaving the 5th and 6th seasons hideously stagnant.
[bell ringing]
Okay, children, that's lunch, see you in 30 minutes.
Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
Sure!
Normally we go to Chef with our problems,
but we can't this time!
Well, children, I am your teacher.I think you'll find
that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
Alright, Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend
and then stopped being your friend and it pissed you off?
Oh, the old succubus syndrome.
What's a "succubus"?
A succubus is a woman sent from hell to suck the life out of a man!
That's it! - Yeaah!
There's not much you can do about a succubus.
Their evil power makes man blind to love.
This is totally what's happening!
Wow! You are smart, Mr. Garrison!
Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill.
Poontang's expensive.
That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw 'em and leave 'em.
I say, "get out of my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry."
Thanks Mr. Garrison.
Sure, kids!
You're not fooling anyone.
Shut your hole, Mr. Head!
C'mon guys, we gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus!
Yeah, he's gonna be so thankful we told him!
There you are, Eric!
C'mon we have to go to the eye doctor!
Oh, no!
C'mon, do you want your laser-corrective surgery or not?
Yes, but can't we wait 'til tomorrow?
Now, hon.
But Mom, I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubus.
[door bell]
Hello there, children.
Who are you?
I'm Chef's father.
We just flew in for the wedding.
Oh, hi, is Chef here?
We have to talk to him!
Yeah, c'mon on in.
There he is!
Chef, we have to talk to you!
Ooh, not now children.
I gotta get fitted for my britches.
Be right back!
Well, aren't you crackers just cute as a dickens.
You're Chef's parents?
Yes, all his life!
We have to talk to him!
Well, he should be out now directly.
Oh, he's so excited about the wedding!
Say, would you crackers love to hear about the time
we saw the Loch Ness monster?
No, that's okay.
Ooh, it must've been about 7, 8 years ago.
Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night.
When all of a sudden a huge creature--
this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic era
comes out from the water!
We were so scared, Lord, I jumped up in the boat and said,
Thomas, what on earth is that creature?
It's stood above us, looking down,
with these big red eyes--
Ooh, it's so scary!
And I yelled, I said, "what do you want from us, monster?"
And the monster bent down and said,
"I need about three-fitty."
What's three-fitty?
Three dollars and fifty cents.
Three-fitty.
He wanted money?
That's right! I said,
"I ain't giving you no three-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness monster!"
"get your own goddamn money!"
I gave him a dollar!
She gave him a dollar!
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar!
Well, of course he's not gonna go away now.
You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
Okay, lets get started...
You're here for the liposuction, right?
[giggle]
Oh, you son of a bitch!
Alright, time to laser me a little piggy!
Ha ha ha!
Hey! You son of a bitch.
I'm gonna kick you square in the--
[gas hissing]
Ehh...ehh...ahh.
I bet his mom wishes she could do that!
And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster!
Then one time, I believe it was July--
August.
August- there's a knock on the door,
I opened it, and there's this cute little girl scout.
Oh she's so adorable with little pig tails 'n all.
And she said to me,
"how would you like to buy some cookies?"
And I said, "well, what kind do you have?"
She had "Thin Mints" "Graham Crunchy Thins"--
"Raisin Oatmeal"
"Raisin Oatmeal"...
And I said, "we'll take a graham crunch."
"How much will that be?"
And she looks at me and she says,
"I need about three-fitty!"
[mother] Three-fitty.
Well, it's about that time that I noticed
this girl scout was about 8 stories tall,
and was a crustacean from the planet Ogere.
The Loch Ness monster!
I said, "damnit monster, get off my lawn!
I ain't giving you no three-fitty!"
She said, "how about just two-fitty!"
I said, "oh now it's only two-fitty!"
"what is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?"
Lord, he was angry!
Damn right I was angry!
Not you, the monster!
He was about to kick your ass!
Shut your mouth, woman!
Uh, can you just tell Chef we were here!
Sure!
That crazy old monster.
And then, the fourth time...
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery.
I have to wear these bandages for 3 days.
Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman!
Oh thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw!
What happened to Chef?
Did you tell him she's a succubus!
Oh, we couldn't even talk to him.
She's so evil she has him totally kept away from us.
Eric, you have a little visitor.
Is that all right?
Okay.
Hello, boys.
I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.
Aaaggh, it's the succubus!
Huh?
We know what you are lady!
Yeah!
You're a bloodthirsty succubus!
A what?
A demon from hell sent to suck life out of men!
Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?
Well, you are taking Chef from us!
Boys, come here, I want to explain this to you.
I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man.
He has needs you boys can't fulfill.
He wants a life with me because I make him happy.
Do you understand?
I guess.
Good!
Oh, and boys, just one more thing...
I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow,
[demonic voice] and there's not a Goddamn thing you can do about it!
Ha ha ha!
Aaaarrgghh!
Toodle-loo!
Jesus, dude!
What? What happened?
Could I have your attention, please!
Tomorrow my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.
I'm very happy for them both.
I told myself I wasn't gonna cry now.
It's okay Pap!
Now you're gonna get me going, hah!
I remember when Chef was just a 3-year-old little man.
He came running up to me with a big smile
and his little Chef's hat on,
and he said, "Papa, Papa!"
I said, "what do you need Chef, my boy?"
And he said, "I need about three-fitty!"
Three-fitty.
Well it was about that time I got suspicious, I said, "Chef,
why do you need three-fitty?"
He said, "my imaginary friend, Goo-Goo the Dinosaur wants it!"
I went to my son's room and sure enough, there was
the Loch Ness monster!
Aw, it was scary!
I said, "damn it, monster!"
"you stop bugging my children now!
"we work for our money in this house!
We don't give money away!"
Excuse me...
We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news.
This is not a woman!
It is a succubus!
What?
Yeah!
She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him!
Children!
That hurts my feelings!
Oh, you can pretend all you want!
You're not fooling anybody!
Alright, guys!
That's enough!
I have had it with you!
This is the happiest time of my life,
and you can't be happy for me!
Chef, but--
No "buts", Stan!
I love this woman and I am marrying her...
Now you can either accept that or get out of my life!
Now if you'll excuse us, we're having a party!
...So I chased the monster down the street, you see!
I guess there's nothing we can do.
Chef likes her more than us!
No!
I'm not willing to give up!
Chef wouldn't give up on us!
Oh, man!
There's tons of stuff on succubuses,
but there's nothing on how to stop them!
You guys, it's 6 in the morning, I have to get some sleep!
Dude, Chef's wedding is in 3 hours.
We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a succubus!
You know what?
Screw Chef. There- I said it! Screw him!
Let him marry Succubus!
I wanna go to sleep!
Here, here! Look at this!
It says, "the succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody,
"this is the succubi power,
"only playing this melody backwards
can vanquish the succubus' power!"
What the hell does that mean?
I don't know.
[mumbling]
Right...
[mumbling]
Yeah...
Ohhh...
Hey yeah, what's that song she always sings?
♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
♪ We've got to find our way together ♪
That's it!
We gotta learn that song backwards!
In 3 hours!
Oh, man, I can't keep my eyes open!
We can't fall asleep, we gotta nail that song!
You've got the tape recorder, Cartman?
Cartman!
He's asleep, wake up, fat ass!
What what what?
Goddamn it, you can't fall asleep!
I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
And then these aliens had me up in the ship, right
they was probing me and all that...
We had taco salad that night!
Don't matter what we had for dinner, woman!
Now these aliens had a big head and big black eyes
and it was all bent over me.
I said, "what do you want from me, alien?"
And you know what he said?
Three-fitty.
Let me tell the damn story now!
He said, "three-fitty"!
And so I realized it was no alien...
It was that Goddamn Loch Ness monster again,
trying to trick me into giving him three-fitty
by dressing up like an alien!
Don't that beat all!
I just given him three-fitty the week before!
What?
You gave that monster another damn three-fitty!
He tricked me!
Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house.
You keep giving him the three-fitty!
[Stan] There she is!
Bitch!
Dirty bitch!
Alright, Kenny and I are gonna take position up-front.
Okay!
Do you Chef take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
To have and to--
I do!
Oh, my baby's getting married!
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
I do.
And now a special sharing of vows through song.
Here it goes...
♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
Now, Cartman!
[gasp]
Now, Cartman!
Children, you're screwing up my wedding!
I'll take care of them!
Cartman, wake up, you fat piece of crap!
Oww!
♪ Light... the for looking on keep let's sunshine ♪
Aaaarrghh!
♪ The find to chance ♪
No-oooo!
What the...?
[music stops]
Oh no, the tape jammed!
[growling]
What the...?
She's a Goddamn succubus!
Succubus is trying to take my baby!
[growling]
[all] Arrrgh!
C'mon, Cartman!
I can't see anything!
[growl]
Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
You bastard!
You damn monster get away from my baby!
Hold on, I'll see if I have three-fitty!
Got it!
♪ The through on hold can we if after ♪
♪ Morning a be to got there's ♪
[growling]
♪ Warm... and safe that's-♪♪
Oh wow, you don't see that everyday!
We're sorry, Chef, we had to do it.
No, I'm glad you did, children...
Now that she's gone,
I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her!
Poontang's poontang.
C'mon, children, let's go get some ice cream.
Hurray!
Wait, what happened, you guys?
Is Kenny okay?
Hello there, children!
Hey, Chef!
How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?
We'd love them!
It's great to have you back, Chef!
Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week!
♪ Sometimes you fall in love ♪
♪ And you think you'll feel that way forever ♪
♪ You change your life, and ignore your friends ♪
♪ 'cause you think it can't get any better ♪
♪ But then love goes away ♪
♪ No matter what, it doesn't stay as strong ♪
♪ And then you're left with nothing ♪
♪ 'cause you're thinking with your dong ♪
♪ So watch out for that lover ♪
♪ It can destroy like a typhoon wind ♪
♪ Just play it cool and don't be a fool ♪
And never let poontang come between you and your friends!
Damn right, Garrison!
Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?
After today they're going to be fine
and I'll never have to see you ever again!
I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes!
No, not with my eyes!
With these!
Ha ha ha!
Was he an organ donor?
Sure!
Alright, then let's get to work!
Say, you don't have $3.50 on you, do you?
♪ Light... ♪
♪ The for looking on keep let's sunshine... ♪
♪ The find to chance a have we night... ♪
♪ The through on hold can we if after ♪
♪ Morning a be to got there's ♪
♪ Warm... ♪
♪ And safe that's place a find and ♪
♪ Toge...ther bridge the cross we don't why storm ♪♪
Captioning made possible by Comedy Central